When the Cradle Falls

Chapter Fourteen: Baby Blues

"Another." The shot glass was slammed down on the shining counter and in its place were two glasses full of brown liquid.

The glasses clinked together and the two men pounded back the drinks in unison.

"Happy eighteenth birthday Dean-I mean twenty-first," John corrected, giving his son a sly look.

Starting to feel the effects of the shots, Dean smiled and raised his empty glass.

It had been a good day. John had given Dean his most prized possession: the Impala. Dean had been shaken awake, thinking some monster was attacking them or Sammy was missing. But, it was John who simply threw the keys at Dean, telling him to go get breakfast in his new car. Half awake, Dean was rubbing his eyes believing he was still in a dream, stared at the keys that sat on the edge of the bed, as if they were going to fly away or roll under the bed. It was only until John clapped a hand on his shoulder and repeated what he said.

"Thanks Dad," Dean said.

When they had finally moved away from shots to beers, Dean decided it was time to ask John what had been on his mind that entire day.

"Dad?" Dean asked, while John finished his first beer.

"What's up?" John asked jovially.

Dean ran a finger through the condensation of the bottle. "Well, I'm eighteen now."

"Yeah?"

"And I was thinking that it would be cool if I took a road trip in honor of becoming an adult."

John frowned. "We spend most of our time on the road."

"A road trip just by myself, Dad. I wouldn't go on any hunts," Dean added quickly, "I just think a week long road trip for myself would be awesome. What do you say, Dad?"

John shrugged. "You're an adult, you do what you want. And what the hell, you have a car now. Go for it, dude."

A weight lifted off Dean's shoulders and for the rest of the night, he let himself go and enjoy the company of his father.

Dean excitedly and nervously stared at the three-story brownstone house in front of him. There was a rusted iron gate that separated it from the sidewalk.

This house was now a comforting sight to Dean, even though it had been nearly a year since he'd been here, a year since he'd seen Alice and Cara.

Before he could even get past the gate, the front door slammed open and his heart swelled when he saw Alice running down the front steps towards him. Once she reached him, she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. Dean's arms went around her waist and through the loose shirt he felt her protruding stomach-a sign she had given birth recently.

"Allie you look great," Dean said.

She scoffed. "Sure I do."

"I mean it."

"Enough about me. Come meet your son, Dean." Grabbing him by the hand, Alice led him through the front door into the house. As usual, it was dark but in a comforting sort of way. "He's up here." Dean followed Alice up the stairs to where the bedrooms are. They passed Jan's room, whose door was tightly shut, and then past Alice's room, then Cara's pink room, and lastly, they came to a room at the end of the hall.

Dean paused in the doorway. The walls were blue with clouds and sheep decorated them. A white crib sat in the middle of the room, a light blue blanket hung over the side. Jan sat in the matching rocking chair in the corner of the room, holding a bundle wrapped in white in her arms.

Seeing the two, Jan stood up carefully and gave Alice the bundle. When Jan passed Dean, she squeezed his shoulder. "Don't you worry about those demons anymore," she assured before leaving the room.

Dean had been so focused on getting here and seeing Alice and the babies that he had forgotten about the demons. That made him momentarily guilty that he didn't think of something that could be a threat to his family.

But right now, they didn't matter.

"Come sit." Alice nodded her head towards the rocker.

Dean did so and tensed in anticipation as Alice leaned forward and helped Dean take the bundle in his arms.

"This is your daddy, Noah," Alice crooned softly, running a hand along the baby's head.

As soon as the baby was nestled in his arms, Dean took one look at the tiny face and took a sharp breath.

The feeling he experienced was similar to when he held Cara for the first time. There was a swelling in his heart and an overwhelming sense of love and protection for this tiny baby. Only this time, the urge felt sharper than it had with Cara, because he had known about this tiny creature since before he was born. Dean had had months to start to gather the initial love for this child.

Dean couldn't get over how tiny Noah was. Dean thought Cara was tiny at seven months, but seeing Noah at only one month was earth shattering.

The most astounding thing Dean recognized after the shock of black hair was the intensity of Noah's stare. Dean had assumed Noah had been asleep because he had been so quiet, but the baby boy stared at Dean with bright eyes.

"His eyes are blue," Dean whispered.

Alice smiled. "I know. They're so beautiful. I kind of wish they stay blue, but they'll probably turn brown like they did for Cara."

Dean looked up. "Cara's eyes were blue when she was born?"

Alice nodded. "Yeah. But either way, she's perfect and so is he."

"Yeah." Dean went back to staring at Noah, who watched him back. Occasionally, the baby would blink in wonder.

Coming from the baby monitor, there was a soft abrupt cry that caused Alice to straighten. Another, longer cry kept her attention. She moved towards the door. "I'll be right back."

There was a noticeable hush that came over the room once Alice was gone. Through the wall, Dean could hear her cooing to Cara, who had just woken up from a nap.

That amazed Dean, that he could be in one room holding his son, while Alice was next door taking care of their daughter. There was one baby for each of them to hold.

It was kind of perfect, Dean realized.

A few moments later, Dean looked up suddenly, hearing the door creak open slightly. Time had gone by so quickly, he hadn't even realized Alice had been gone for any amount.

He almost did a double take. He knew they had two babies, but actually seeing the two of them in one room almost made everything go spinning.

Grounding himself, Dean became aware of Noah in his arms. The baby's blue eyes had shifted to the doorway, alerted by the shuffling from the doorway.

The baby in Alice's arms was not much of a baby anymore. It was a toddler.

Cara's eyes were still wide, curious, but guarded. There was a tiny pigtail on the top of her head.

"You know who that is?" Alice cooed to the baby.

Cara turned her head to look at Alice in confusion, seemingly miffed that Alice had dared talk to her.

"She's a little drama queen," Alice informed Dean. "She thinks she's too good to talk to me. Those boys are gonna have a hard time."

Dean laughed at that. "Why would there be any boys? She's a baby."

Alice smirked. "She won't be a baby forever, Dean."

It seemed as though Dean hadn't considered that thought, but he had. "Well, there's never gonna be any boys," he said, more seriously.

That caused Alice to laugh. "You're talking like my father. And look what happened to me."

Dean shook his head. "Nope. Cara is not going to be us."

"I'll agree with that, but there are gonna be boys."

Dean sighed. "But that's so far away." There was so much time before that was even a possibility.

"Not as far as you think." She walked towards the rocker and stood over Dean and Noah. She held Cara out in front of her. "Here."

Frowning, Dean glanced up at Alice, not completely understanding what she meant.

She nudged Cara forward. "You said you wanted to hold one of them in each hand."

That's what he'd told Cara when she was in the hospital after giving birth to Noah. At the time, it felt as though Dean would never get the chance to see his kids again. But here he was, a month later, with the opportunity in front of him.

Carefully and skillfully, Alice helped move Noah so the baby was higher up in Dean's arm. The other one outstretched, Alice handed Cara to Dean, the toddler instinctively grabbing the arm in front of her. Once nestled in Dean's hold, Cara's tiny fists grabbed onto his shirt. She turned her head and observed both her father and brother.

"What do you think?" Alice asked, leaning back with a grin.

Dean's head swiveled back and forth between the two. "Cara's so much bigger than Noah."

She laughed. "The big girl here is eighteen months this month, and as of a week ago, this little guy's a month old. They're both so tiny, though."

If he did the math, Dean realized they were seventeen months apart. That was less than two years. And that meant more than two years ago, he and Alice were just two lovestruck teenagers in a small farm town in Nebraska. If things hadn't ended up the way they had, Alice would probably be in a dorm room somewhere, and Dean most certainly wouldn't be holding two babies-his babies.

He thought of what the two would be like when they were older. Would they be close? He and Sammy were four years apart and they were incredibly close. Alice had nothing to compare it to, so it seemed like a total mystery who these babies would turn into.

But right now? Things were fine just the way they were, Dean decided.

There was suddenly a flash and a click, and Dean jumped up from the chair, thinking some kind of monster had gotten into the room. His grip tightened on both of the children. Noah gave a short cry and Cara's hands flailed around as she tried to regain her hold on Dean.

"Whoa, Dean! It's okay! I was just taking a picture!" Alice set the camera down quickly and zoomed in front of Dean. She took Noah out of Dean's arm, but allowed Cara to remain there. Noah's soft cries were soothed when Alice bounced him around in her arms.

With a sigh, Dean glanced around the room one more time, just to make sure nothing was really there. He relaxed and shifted Cara so she rested on his hip. "Sorry. You just scared me."

"No, it's my fault. I should've told you I was taking a picture." She seemed visibly upset by his reaction.

Dean reached out and splayed a hand over Alice's cheek. "No, you shouldn't be sorry. You were just trying to capture some memories."

A bit unsure by the hand on her cheek, Alice nodded and stepped back. She checked on Cara, who now seemed indifferent where she was. It seemed whatever potentially precious moment between Dean and the kids was over because she had tried to take a picture.

Dean noticed the shift too and let his hand drop, not really sure what else to say. He didn't think it was possible for there to be an awkward silence between the two of them. When they were teens, the silences were never awkward, as Alice didn't seem to mind them. And even with two kids between them, it seemed that Alice was at a loss of words, but wanted to fill the emptiness.

"Come downstairs, I'll make something for you." Alice disappeared out of the room, without sparing a glance at Dean.

Slowly following behind her, Dean was intercepted by Jan before he could make it down the stairs. At first, he thought she was going to take Cara away from him, but she placed a hand on his arm, giving him a knowing, but sympathetic look.

"It's not easy, kid. For you or Alice."

And he knew she didn't mean having two kids at eighteen, but trying to balance hunting and having a family, not to mention keeping the two completely separate, because even when he was there in the nursery, there were still scars that had their hooks deep in him, and reactions like the one he had were what kept him alive when he was hunting.

And for the comment about Alice, he knew it was hard, but there seemed to be much more weight behind the words.

"Do Alice's parents know about any of it?" Dean asked, referring to the supernatural.

Jan shook her head. "Nah. My college roommate was killed by a vengeful spirit. I was about your age when I learned. Never told my parents or my sister. Hell, even if I did, they probably would've sent me to the priest to have me exorcised."

Dean glanced down at Cara.

"She's not gonna tattle on you to Alice, if that's what you're wondering," Jan supplied, noticing the look he gave the baby.

"Do you mind if I ask you something?"

Jan shrugged. "I probably will, but go ahead."

"What happened to your husband?"

Jan's mouth moved into a thin line. "Let's just say we met in the field, and he died in the line of fire and leave it at that." She turned and tramped down the stairs, footsteps heavier than they should've been for someone her size.

Alone on the stairs, Dean made his way down. "You're not gonna repeat any of that are you? I may have to bribe you," Dean joked to his daughter.

"No."

He stopped. "What was that?"

"No no no."

It shouldn't have been that much of a shock to him. Through the periodic calls to Alice, Dean knew Cara had been talking for months at this point. It was just strange to actually hear her use intelligible words.

It was kind of exciting.

"Is that all you can say?" Dean teased as he entered the hallway that led to the kitchen.

"No."

"No?"

"No," Cara repeated. She glared up at Dean as if he were an imbecile for having to repeat herself so many times.

"That's her favorite word," Alice said as Dean walked into the kitchen. She plucked Cara from his arms and stuck her in a highchair. Noah was in some kind of sling in Alice's chest.

"Stubborn, just like her parents," Jan muttered from behind a coffee mug, where she rested at the table. With her other hand, she caught a banana sliced from falling to the floor when Cara attempted to throw it off her tray.

Alice moved around Dean as if he were a piece of furniture. Frowning, he tried to grab her attention but she continued to ignore him.

"Allie!" He near shouted, after a couple tries.

Coming out of her daze, she shook her head and looked back at Dean, wondering why he was standing there in the middle of the kitchen. She put down the bowl in her hand. "Yeah?"

He frowned at her in worry. "Can we talk?"

She paused. "I was going to make-"

"Please."

She swallowed. "Fine. We can go upstairs-"

"Do you mind if we go for a drive?" Dean asked. He wasn't entirely sure why he suddenly wanted to go for a drive, but some vibe he had gotten from Jan-almost a plea for help-indicated that she wanted him to talk to Alice.

She sighed. "I don't really-"

"Girl, go. I'll feed Cara," Jan piped up.

"But Noah-"

"That baby is sound asleep again."

"Fine. But Noah's gonna come with. He likes riding in the car."

Dean wanted to partially show off the new Impala, but he never thought that would mean strapping a baby seat into the back bench. Sure, years ago when Sammy was a baby there had been one back there, but Dean hardly remembered that. While he was strapping the car seat into the back, Dean could see familiar indents from where Sammy's baby seat would've been.

"No, this goes like that, and the seat belt goes through here…" Alice, a bit impatiently, attempted to show Dean how the car seat fit in the back.

Once successfully in place and Noah buckled in, Alice slid into the passenger seat of the Impala. This was Dean's most prized possession. Since he had gotten the car, the few times they talked on the phone, Dean was sure to mention the Impala.

"So...this is baby," Dean introduced, patting the seat between he and Alice.

She nodded, trying to appear impressed. "Nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you."

The attempt fell flat, but Dean supposed he was grateful she was at least trying to show interest. He was still trying to understand the cognitive shift that had occurred after his reaction to the surprise picture.

"I'm sorry about how I reacted for the picture. I didn't mean to scare the kids," Dean said, eyes on the road, not daring to look at Alice.

There was silence for a moment, and then she let out a deep sigh, like she was Atlas taking the world off her shoulders. "It's not you at all, Dean. It's me."

He nearly slammed on the brakes, in response, but remembered Noah was dozing away in the backseat. That, "it's not you, it's me," utterance had been Dean's mantra for years. It was the softest but cheapest way to let a girl down. And it was rare he was ever on the receiving end of that phrase.

But had Alice finally come to her senses? She'd seemed so inviting when Dean pulled up, but maybe it was an act? She must've finally realized it was better for these kids that Dean shouldn't be a part of their lives. They would most certainly be safer, maybe a little bitter or confused they would never know their father, but safe at the least. Maybe with Cara, Alice hadn't realized how bad Dean really was for them, but maybe by Dean seeing Noah so young for the first time, that gave her a kick in the pants that this man-this teenager-wasn't someone she wanted around her kids, when he even would be around.

She was breaking up with him all over again, Dean hollowly realized.

And this time was worse, even though they weren't technically dating, or even an item.

This time it was worse, because there were two tiny things that would forever tether Alice and Dean together, whether or not they wanted to admit it.

Glancing in the rearview mirror, Dean tried to prepare himself that this would be the last and first time he saw Noah.

"Alice, I'll leave if that's what you think is best for the kids," Dean finally managed.

She was silent. "What?"

"Aren't you...aren't you breaking up with me? The whole 'it's not you, it's me' thing?"

She nearly laughed. Nearly.

"No. I'm not breaking up with you. We're stuck together, Dean. We're in it for the long haul with these two."

An immense weight seemed to evaporate out of the car.

"Then, what did you mean?"

"Things haven't exactly been easy since Noah was born."

Dean hadn't expected that they would be. "I mean, there are two of them now, that's twice-"

"It's not even that. It doesn't have anything to do with Cara or Noah. It has to do with me."

"Are you okay?"

Alice shrugged. "Not really."

"Are you sick?"

"Kind of."

"Allie, seriously, what's wrong? You can tell me." He was starting to seriously worry now.

"I have something called postpartum depression. Women sometimes get it after giving birth."

"Why?" He wasn't sure what else to ask.

Alice shrugged. "I don't know. It's just something I have."

"How do you feel?"

Alice ran a hand over her stomach. It was still enlarged, something she was familiar with after giving birth to Cara. But it still stung when she was at the store the other day, someone asked her when the baby was due.

"Honestly? Like I'm a failure."

"Allie-"

She held up a hand. "Please, don't tell me I'm not. I just feel like I'm making a terrible mother. I feel like I'm neglecting Cara and spending all my time and attention on Noah. I'm only nineteen and I already have two kids. I should be in college right now, getting a degree. But now, I have no education and no way to support my children.

"And I don't know how I'm supposed to raise a boy. I have no idea how I'm supposed to raise Noah to be strong and to be a man. Hell, I can't even seem to raise Cara right. She's so serious all the time and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. And I don't want to turn into my mother. I don't want to be cold and closed off to my own children.

"And Jan is a tremendous help, but I can't live with her forever. How am I supposed to afford a house and afford taking care of two kids on my own? Huh?

"It's all so weird because before Cara was born, this is what I felt like. But after she was born, the second I held her, it was incredible. I knew everything would be fine. And all throughout Noah's pregnancy, I was almost excited. But as soon as I brought him home from the hospital, something inside me just snapped. And I don't know how to fix it.

"The doctors say this is something that will go away after a few months, but how can something this heavy just disappear? This is something I'm going to be carrying the rest of my life!"

In the middle of her monologue, Dean pulled the car over to the side of the road, and slid over to Alice. He wrapped an arm around her and let her sob. There was nothing he could say, no advice he could give her. He didn't know anything about postpartum depression, he didn't know what it was like to raise two kids alone. He couldn't do anything but feel his heart ache while Alice broke down in his arms.

"I keep thinking that if I keep Noah close to me all the time, then that'll somehow fix me. But it's not working. He's not healing me."

"Allie, I know there's not much I can do, but I can stay," Dean offered.

She shook her head like she didn't believe him.

"I mean it. I'll stay. I'll stay forever if you need me to."

"You can't leave your family, Dean."

"Alice, you're my family." And Dean meant it. As much as his heart panged, knowing how much Sammy needed him and how much even John depended on him, Dean realized he would drop it all. He would drop hunting right at that moment it Alice told him to.

She shook her head. "No. I can't tear you apart like that. The arrangement we have works."

"What am I supposed to do?" Dean muttered.

"There's nothing you can do. There's nothing I can do. Although it sounds impossible, it's just something I need to ride out."

Thinking for a moment, Dean drummed a hand on the steering wheel. He turned to Alice. "I know this may not fix everything, but I think I know something that may help."

She wiped her eyes and turned to look at him. "What?"

He felt the beginnings of a grin forming across his face. "How does a change in scenery sound?"

She frowned. "Where would we go?"

"How does South Dakota sound?"

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