When the Cradle Falls
Chapter Fifteen: Ataractic
The pleasant breeze that blew across the plain might have made any other perfectly sane person feel relaxed, especially this early in the year, but it only miffed Alice Mercer even further, as the the fleece blanket slipped off her shoulder once again, exposing Noah nursing. With a huff, she flipped the blanket back over her shoulder.
For every mile marker they passed with alarming speed, Alice was more and more regretting this little getaway she reluctantly allowed herself on. It wasn't even that Sioux Falls, South Dakota was a completely unscenic stop, and only a bit of the worry of traveling with a one month old and a toddler, but Alice's regret was mostly driven by her desire to be in her bed right now, the blinds closed tightly. However, she couldn't do that. Cara and Noah didn't know nor care she was feeling depressed. All they probably could guess was that their mother wasn't there for them. That their mother was the worst mother there ever was.
Like Alice had been taught by the doctors, she tried to cut off the train of thought, but without paying much mind to it. Cutting off the train of thought but dwelling on it wasn't any better than loathing in the self pity she couldn't seem to escape from.
And of course Jan had been the opposite of helpful when Dean mentioned the trip. Alice kept saying Noah was too young, but Jan absolutely insisted it was for Alice's-and the babies'-best if they all got out for awhile, went on a little trip. Alice had guiltily wondered if Jan was sick and tired of having a depressed teenager and two babies in her house. Alice knew the older woman liked her solitude.
And so here they were. The young family was driving over five hundred miles to visit someone Alice had never met. The man was basically an uncle to Dean, and she assumed Bobby Singer would be happy to see Dean. Surely, he would only see Alice as the stupid girl who ruined his adopted nephew's life.
Maybe everyone would just be better off without me.
The thought escaped with no warning. It shocked Alice. She hadn't said it outloud, but there was no doubt she had thought it. And this particular fragment seemed so much heavier and louder than anything else that was in her mind.
Growing concerned, Alice suddenly felt the feeling of ice creeping up her legs. She knew she wasn't standing in the middle of a frozen river, but for a moment, it sure felt like that. With a sharp intake of breath, she realized the iciness was the numbness from sitting on a frozen park bench at a rest stop somewhere in southern Minnesota.
In alarm, she looked across the decent sized field, that was green grass capped with white tips of ice. Some yards away, Cara toddled around in aimless circles, Dean following behind her. The sight did little to soothe her, as all Alice could think about was how terrible she was that she hadn't made Cara wear any mittens. If the toddler were to fall forward in the grass, her hands would get hurt from the child. Alice hadn't thought to put any mittens on her as the temperature was quite warm, even though the ground showed the cold was not ever too far in the past or future.
As if the world was out to punish Alice for the terrible mother that she was, Cara suddenly tripped and fell forward into the grass, face smashed into the ground. With a gasp-maybe a tad bit overdramatic, Alice would later scold herself for-Alice jumped up from the bench, which startled Noah, who began to whimper.
Adjusting so Noah calmed down and began nursing again, Alice began to walk briskly towards Cara, who had already been scooped up into Dean's arms. Her tiny nose and fists were red.
"Bad grass!" Cara pointed a tiny hand towards the ground and wagged her finger at it.
Dean was completely enamored she had put two words together like that. Although the little girl didn't talk much, Cara knew more words than she seemed. Alice had seen it, when Cara would out of the blue say the correct name of something without Alice pointing it out.
"Is she okay?" Alice demanded, reaching Dean. She placed a hand on Cara's cheek, as if to see if she had a fever.
Dean laughed. "Yeah, she's tough. Kids fall all the time. You should've seen Sammy when he was learning how to walk. That kid ran into everything."
Feeling like a smack across the face, Alice chastised herself that she should've known that.
"I know I should've put mittens on her," Alice muttered to herself, turning away from Dean.
"Allie, she's fine," Dean insisted, winding an arm around her.
She nodded stiffly. "We should go soon. I think Noah's almost done. He's probably gonna fall asleep soon. Hopefully Cara will take a nap too."
The scenery of South Dakota was marginally more exciting than Illinois, so at least Alice had something to look at. They were only about a half an hour away when Alice's anxiety started to kick in.
"You told him we were coming, right Dean?"
"Yep," Dean said, eyes focused on the road.
"And you're sure he's okay with this? I mean I don't want to barge in out of the blue and-"
"Allie! Just breathe. Trust me, it's fine. Bobby was really excited when I told him you and the kids were coming to visit."
Skeptical, Alice nodded and turned around to check on the babies. Cara was still knocked out and Noah seemed to be awake, but was content with looking around the leather interior of the Impala.
Biting her tongue, Alice went back to looking out the window when she saw the speedometer. She already yelled at Dean for going five over the speed limit and she could tell he was not used to being told to slow down while driving. She didn't want to stress him out any further.
Alice took a steadying breath which didn't do much to inspire calmness in herself.
Hands gripping the edge of the seat, Alice sat rigidly as she glanced around the property. It looked like a place where old junkers came to die, and Alice very quickly deducted it wasn't a safe place for the kids. Not especially for Noah, but Alice wouldn't it put it past Cara to try and climb up a pile of cars.
"That's Bobby." Dean put the car in park in front of the house, indicating the man walking down the stairs towards the car.
Alice surveyed the man. He wore a baseball cap, had a plaid shirt with a vest over it, light wash jeans, and a fully grown beard. He looked mean. She was instantly terrified of this man and his reaction to meeting her.
While she was lamenting over his scariness, Dean swung out of the car and pulled the man into a tight hug. They slapped each other on the back and pulled away.
"It's good to see you, boy," Bobby said, patting Dean on the shoulder one last time.
Suddenly, both men turned their attention to the car, Alice realized she couldn't sit there anymore without looking like an imbecile.
Shakily opening the door, Alice plastered on her warmest smile and gently shut the car door. She stiffly walked towards Dean and this new man, Bobby. "It's so nice to meet you, Mr. Singer." She held out a hand for him to shake.
The man scoffed, and she knew she had been right. He hated her. He absolutely-
Her train of thought was cut off by Bobby engulfing Alice in a hug. She squealed in surprise and slowly hugged the man back. Was he actually excited to see her? There was a tiny glimmer of hope wriggling around in her brain.
"Nice to finally meet you, Alice. Dean never shuts up about you, so it's great to finally put a face to the name. and please, call me Bobby."
She nodded, feeling a smile, genuine smile spreading across her face. It widened when she saw Dean's reddening face.
Dean coughed. "Maybe you want to meet the kids."
Bobby nodded eagerly. "Sure do."
Each of the parents opened the back doors and pulled out a child. Alice wrapped an extra blanket around Noah and Dean pulled Cara out, who was slowly waking up. The two walked around the car until they stood side by side, right in front of Bobby.
"This is Cara," Dean introduced, bouncing the toddler in his arms. Over the past few days, Cara had grown quite accustomed to being in Dean's arms.
"And Noah." Alice angled Noah so Bobby could get a glimpse at the baby's face.
"Yep. That kid's gonna be a blue-eyed heartbreaker," Bobby predicted.
That made Alice's heart soar. She loved Cara's brown eyes, but the thought of Noah keeping his blue eyes forever made Alice inexplicably happy. And to hear someone else say made it somehow seem like his eyes would stay blue.
Bobby turned back to Cara. "And you, little miss, I have a feeling your Daddy is gonna be fending off the boys."
The smirk fell from Dean's face. "Nope. No boys. Not ever."
Cara turned and looked at Dean. "Boys?"
He shook his head. "No."
"Yes?" She asked. She was messing with him. His eighteen month old daughter was messing with him. There was no other explanation, because Dean didn't think he had ever heard her say much of anything other than 'no'.
"Oh she's a stinker," Bobby snickered, enjoying seeing Dean as a father-something he didn't think he'd ever see, especially this young.
"She gets it from her mom," Dean responded, smirking over at Alice.
"Ha ha," she laughed monotonously.
A sharp wind suddenly whipped through the air. Bobby playfully smacked Dean across the back of the head. "You're gonna make this poor woman and these kids stand out here in the cold?" Bobby suddenly snatched Cara from Dean's arms. Surprisingly, the toddler didn't seem to mind the shift in who was holding her. With both hands, she grabbed onto Bobby's beard and leaned towards him, to get a better look at his face.
"But I-" Dean tried to speak for himself.
"Yeah Dean," Alice goaded, feeling much better as she followed Bobby into the house. She was pleased to see Cara responding so warmly to someone, a stranger, especially. Alice immediately knew this man was as good as Dean promised he would be.
The interior of the house was dim and decorated by mismatched, old furniture. It immediately comforted Alice, reminding her of Jan's house.
When Dean got back with the luggage, Bobby ushered the family up the stairs. "There's a guest bedroom at the end of the hall you can use," Bobby said, more to Alice than Dean.
Reaching the room, Bobby swung the door open and Alice almost burst into tears.
There was a queen sized bed in the room with that was a pale light green color, but that wasn't what had caught Alice's eye. On either side of the bed were two cribs. They were a light wood color, maybe built from cedar. It was evident these cribs were newly assembled.
"Are these for the kids?" Alice asked softly.
Bobby shrugged. "Course. I couldn't have them sleeping on a bed and falling off. They're not fancy, but I reckon they'll do."
Speechless, Alice felt her eyes brimming with tears.
Dean placed a hand on her shoulder. "Bobby, you really didn't have to. We brought playpens for them to sleep in-"
"Nonsense! They're not sleeping in any playpens. And 'sides, I didn't know how often these two would be staying over, but I guess I assumed it wouldn't hurt anyone if they had a place to sleep if ever they needed one." Bobby grew bashful at the last part, something Alice didn't think she would ever see.
Handing Noah to Dean, Alice rushed forward and threw her arms around the man. Cara had been placed on the floor, now peering through the bars of the nearest crib. Alice's arms wound tight around Bobby's neck as she began to cry openly.
"You built them cribs?! That's one of the most thoughtful things anyone has done for them!" Alice cried. "Thank you! I can't believe you went to all the trouble of doing that." Pulling away, Alice continued to wipe her eyes. "So thoughtful," she whispered, mostly to herself.
A bit embarrassed by all the attention, Bobby tried to brush it off that it was nothing. "You don't need to thank me. That's what family does for each other."
Family. There was that word that used to be so triggering for Alice. With her parents, there had never been any love or compassion, just stiffness and lofty expectations. Back when she still lived with her parents, she didn't think family could be anyone who wasn't blood related or related through marriage. That narrow definition had really squeezed shut her horizons.
But now, Alice realized family was so much more than blood. People who cared were the ones that were family.
She was so thankful Cara and Noah would get to know so many wonderful people they could consider family.
"Family," Alice repeated softly, trying out the word.
"Guess you better get used to seeing me, girlie," Bobby said, grabbing one of the bags from Dean and setting it down on the foot of the bed. "I've got dinner in the oven right now. Better go check on that. You guys settle in and come down whenever you're ready." Leaving the room, Bobby quietly shut the door behind himself.
Dean and Alice smiled at each other lightly once they were alone. Dean began unpacking the bags while Alice shed Noah's winter clothes off and changed both of the babies' diapers.
When they had everything where it was supposed to be, right before leaving the room, Alice kissed Dean lightly on the lips. "Thank you for bringing me. I guess I did need this," she whispered.
Trying to hide a wince as Alice took a bite of an overcooked chicken that at the same time was completely damp, she shoveled a spoonful of black beans in after to mask the taste. It reminded her of her mother's cooking, but worse. The beans were fine, as all they had to do was be heated up in the microwave for only a few minutes. So Bobby wasn't a good cook, and Alice wondered what the man normally ate everyday. However, from what Dean had said, he had never seen the older man cook in his life. The fact that Bobby had attempted to make a meal for Alice was enough to slap a grin on her face and attempt to eat whatever was put in front of her.
However, halfway through the meal, Bobby was having a hard time finishing his chicken. He pushed his plate away with a disgusted look. "I'm ordering a pizza." Standing up, he moved towards the phone on the wall.
Thinking Alice was doing a bad job at hiding her distaste, she quickly jumped up. "No no! I think it's delicious! I love the chicken-"
Bobby only laughed. "You don't need to try and pretend like you like. I couldn't even finish that and I could eat leather before I eat that. What kind of toppings do you like, Alice?"
"Umm, anything is good, thank you," she said.
"You don't need to be so polite," Bobby assured gently.
Alice took a deep breath. "Pepperoni. I really like pepperoni."
With a smile, Bobby saluted her. "Aye aye m'am. One large pepperoni pizza coming right up."
After the pizza had been ordered, Bobby unceremoniously dumped the chicken into the garbage and dropped the plates into the sink. He came back to the table with three beers and placed one in front of Alice and Dean each, and then opened the last one for his own.
Lips turning down at the alcohol in front of her, Alice slowly nudged the bottle away from her.
"You don't drink?" Bobby asked, realizing that maybe he should've asked rather than assume that she drinks.
She shrugged. "I just...I hate beer. You don't happen to have any red wine do you?"
Bobby shook his head. He should've figured a girl like this would like a glass of red wine. "Sorry I've only got beer and liquor."
Her head poked to the side. "What kind of liquor?"
He shrugged. "Whiskey, vodka, tequila, rum-"
"I'll take some tequila."
"Pardon?"
Sheepish, Alice looked at the table. "Could I have some tequila?"
"You like it in a drink or-"
"A shot's fine, thank you," Alice responded softly.
Dean was quietly sipping his beer, watching the exchange with a level of disbelief. He and Alice and drank when they used to sneak out together, but she was always been hesitant to do it. He didn't think having two kids and being pregnant for eighteen months total would've lended much time for her to drink.
Skeptically, Bobby set down a shot glass and topped it off with tequila. Before he could turn to the fridge to get a chaser for the girl, she seized the glass and downed the liquid like a pro. She slammed the glass upside down on the table, and seemed completely unaffected by the burning liquid.
After sighing, Alice noticed Bobby and Dean both staring at her incredulously. She smiled and went on to explain. "Don't worry, I never drank while I was pregnant. I was always very careful about that. And that's the only thing I'll drink. More than a couple drinks while breastfeeding isn't exactly recommended."
Dean and Bobby both nodded, trying to ignore the last part of her explanation. They nodded, deciding the poor girl no doubt deserved a drink once in awhile.
While Dean and Bobby nursed their beers, the three fell into easy conversation, one where there was lots of laughs and revelations. Each person learned something new about the other two that night. Apparently Bobby had been the first chair clarinet player in middle school. Alice had once ran away from home when she was fourteen but came back before her parents noticed. Lastly, Dean admitted he was busted when father his caught him in a club in New York City when he was only sixteen.
By the time the pizza was finished, Noah and Cara were both sleeping upstairs in the cribs. Alice had a baby monitor sitting on the table beside her.
Shortly after that, Bobby said he was going to turn in for the night. He threw the pizza box away and told Alice she better not dare do any dishes after he went to sleep.
Once it was just the two young parents, Alice scrambled for something to say, now that she and Dean were alone for the first time in a long time. For a moment, she didn't remember how to interact with him without a baby nearby or Jan or Bobby.
Finishing his beer, Dean slid it across the table and stood up. He wordlessly held out a hand for Alice. She stared at it, contemplating what that hand meant, and what it meant for them.
Inwardly smiling at Alice's mind in motion, Dean nudged her. "It's fine. It won't bite. I just want to show you something."
The two grabbed their coats and Dean led the way out the back door. The baby monitor was in Alice's hand, the other held in Dean's.
It was particularly peaceful this night. The temperature had dropped a bit, but was still quite tolerable for winter. The frozen gravel created a soft crunching sound as the pair made their way across the salvage yard, towards a garage a few hundred yards away from the house.
"No bathtub?" Alice jeered lightly, nudging Dean, as they navigated through the piles of cars, some five cars high. The effects of the drink were lingering lightly, just enough that she felt at ease, but not tipsy. She felt a genuine grin cut across the space between the two of them. Feeling nostalgic and uncharacteristically courageous, Alice leaned forward and pressed her lips to Dean's. Her hands felt their way to his biceps, which she squeezed lightly.
Forgetting all the time and space and change between them, Dean responded eagerly, placing his hand on Alice's neck, feeling her racing heart, as he hungrily deepened the kiss. He backed the two of them up until Alice leaned back against the warped hood of a car. They pressed closer together as their hands discovered the places they hadn't felt in nearly a year.
But it was like no time had passed.
Three years and two kids later, Alice and Dean could fall back into the rhythm of how things were in those fragmented period when they were together.
A few moments later, things didn't escalate as they had in the past. Instead, it seemed as though Dean and Alice both came to the realization that they weren't high schoolers anymore, but parents. That seemed to sober them enough for them to reluctantly pull their hands away and take a step back.
A bit out of breath, Alice, still craving Dean's touch, nestled into his side. "What did you want to show me again?"
Content to throw his arm around Alice, he pointed towards the garage. "Follow me."
The two trotted over to the garage, and Dean darted inside to retrieve a ladder. Propping it up, he made sure it was sturdy by testing out a few of the steps. After stepping off, he allowed Alice to pass him and make her way up.
Halfway up the ladder, Alice took a misstep. Her grip tightened on the sides of the ladder and she gasped. Dean immediately placed a hand on the back of her thigh, a silent reminder that there was something between her and the ground.
Comforted by that, and a bit embarrassed by her antics, Alice steeled herself and forced her way up the rest of the ladder, careful to not look down at the ground. Once her hands were flat on the roof, she scrambled her way up, trying to find some solid footing where she wouldn't fall off.
Dean appeared a few seconds after her, and took a hold of her upper arm. "Here, scoot this way," Dean instructed, climbing toward one end of the roof.
The section of the roof Dean navigated towards was flatter than the sharper angle they'd climbed up onto. This soothed Alice's vague fear of heights. Adjusting themselves on the roof, Alice leaned onto Dean, who wrapped a secure arm around her, supporting her weight, and as a result, calming her.
The sky was a deep blue color, not black like many associated with night. A net of stars that Alice hadn't seen since Broken Bow was cast over the sky. From living in Chicago for so long, she forgotten the sky could even look like that. She couldn't even recall the last time she'd taken time to just look at the sky.
"How are you? You have to be exhausted from driving." Alice whispered softly. Her fingers on one hand traced circles around Dean's knee, as she found a constellation for the first time, one she'd only ever read about.
It was such a small detail, but Dean couldn't help himself from smiling in wonder. He didn't need any more reminders that Alice was incredible, and her asking how he was was another small one. Even when she was waist deep in her own worries, she was always there to ask about him. She was really the only one to ever ask him about how he was. He was sure she wasn't the only one who cared, but she was definitely the one that cared the most deeply and genuinely.
"I feel like everything's just right," he answered. He stared at the top of her lovely brunette head, followed running a hand through her hair. "How are you feeling?" Dean asked softly, well aware of the risk with that inquiry.
The question didn't trip Alice, a sign she was at ease. She responded languidly. "I feel...peaceful." She let out a deep, content sigh, eyes moving from the sky, downward. "We always find the oddest spots," she commented, no doubt referring to the junkyard, and that parking lot of the Italian restaurant. And now here they sat on a roof, overlooking piles of rusting cars.
"Better than some bench on a sidewalk or a random fountain in a park."
"Thank you," Alice murmured, turning her face into Dean's chest.
He chuckled. "For what?"
"For bringing me here. I'm sorry for thinking this trip would be a disaster."
"You never need to apologize to me, you know. Or say you're sorry," Dean assured.
"It's just not in my nature." The comment was self-flagellating. It was merely an observation.
"I know it's not. It's part of what makes you too good for me."
Alice shook her head, but didn't say anything in response to him. Who would've ever thought the renegade womanizer that he was in high school was so sweet? Seventeen year old Alice certainly wouldn't have. Present Alice didn't think that her old self believed Dean was so much more than the persona he put on. It was only when he tracked her down a year and a half later that the niggling, wondering part of what happened to him was put to rest. She'd underestimated him. And for that, he hadn't known he had a daughter until she was over half a year old.
"You know," Alice suddenly realized, "I used to think I needed a college degree and a big house and lots of money to be happy. Because I saw my parents-neither of whom went to college-with a small house and hardly any money. And I thought maybe those were the reasons they weren't happy.
"But that's not why. I don't even think they fell into a rut. I don't think they were ever happy, even when they were our age. I think they're just miserable people. And of course, I was an unhappy child because of that."
Dean listened silently, not interrupting her. He ran a hand through her hair as a comforting reminder he was listening.
"The worst part, I think, is that they made me afraid of the future. Because I so desperately didn't want to end up like them, but I couldn't see any conceivable way that I wouldn't.
"And I realized, I don't need much to be happy, Dean. Although I have postpartum depression, I remember being happy when Cara was born and how wonderful that was.
"Because of that, I feel sorry for my parents. I feel sorry for them because they can't seem to see the joy that life can offer. To them, everything is blue. But I don't want to see what they see anymore. And I'm sorry because they're missing out on the two greatest joys of my life.
"So yeah, I don't need much in life. Just my babies and a few people that care about me. But I need you, Dean. Even if it's not for very long amounts of time. I just need to know you're always gonna be there." Alice had never admitted that she needed Dean. She had always been able to convince herself that he wasn't someone she needed to count on.
But she did.
He had stolen a part of her heart that she would never get back.
A wave of intensity washed over Alice, a combination of fear and excitement. But, that only lasted a second. The initial feeling was replaced by a secure sense of tranquility.
Dean kissed the top of Alice's head. "I love you, Allie. I'm not going anywhere."
"I love you too," she whispered, voice catching. Alice didn't think she would ever have a moment like this, one of complete bliss and assurance.
It was one of the most perfect moments of her life.
"This is good," Dean commented, tightening his grip around Alice.
And she didn't need to ask what he meant.
Alice knew.
They both knew.
That night, they created a new direction that gave them hope and a sense of security. They didn't repeat old patterns or make the same mistakes. It seemed like the first real night of this young, but complete family.
Up there, on that rooftop, seemed to have a ring of finality, like it was the end of a chapter in their lives. And it was. Their childhood came to a close. Although there was still the nostalgic innocence lingering, Alice and Dean hoped that was something that would always be there, no matter how old they got.
Perhaps just a shift in the wind, but the pair innately knew they would never look back.
All they needed was right there.
I can't believe this story is already at 50,000 words! I wanted to let all of you know I really appreciate everyone who has taken an interest in this story! When I first came up with this idea, I didn't know if I would ever actually publish it, let alone have people who would want to read it! It means so much to me!
You can probably tell this chapter had a certain finality to it. After this, we are going to do a bit of a time jump, and see how things are a few years ahead. The next chapter will probably be a montage of a few years as a kind of transition towards the future. It's also crazy to think that this story is a little more than halfway over, and although that may seem a bit bittersweet, I am very excited to start writing chapters that occur during the series and when Cara and Noah are a little older-and I promise there is plenty to write about and much more to come.
I just want to thank all of you once again and hope you have a great week!