A/N: I'm aware this might read a little like two fics at once at the moment, but I've wanted to try out this Lily storyline for a while now and it seemed to fit in best with this story to add some meat behind the kink/ smut I set out to write given that it's becoming a longer fic. I will make sure this comes together and is rectified as it goes on. Anyway, I will stop narrating my thoughts and let you get on! I hope you enjoy, and reviews would be awesome!
"Are you serious?"
Lily looks down at the brunette with an expression of disbelief, causing Regina to bristle uncomfortably. Still, she pushes the issue, shivering slightly as a cold breeze enters through the recently opened window and stirs the curtains.
"Yes, I'm serious. Why do you presume Emma would be angry with me? I know we didn't exactly start out as the best of friends, but she and I have moved on immeasurably since then. She's mentioned nothing to me about any underlying grievance, and I can assure you that I have enough experience to know that she would let me know loud and clear if something was wrong. True, the last time I saw her she was behaving rather curiously, but she gave no sign that she was upset or annoyed with me, quite the opposite! Before that, the last time I saw her, we were eating breakfast together at Granny's and the woman was in stitches telling me about a bizarre dream she'd had; hardly the behaviour of one with a grudge."
"Just how blind are you?!"
Lily counters angrily, and Regina blinks, taken aback, as the younger woman flashes her teeth.
"What do you mean?"
"All those things; all those nice little chats you two have, all those breakfast dates shooting the shit over fucking coffee... It's like you don't even realise what it is that you did!"
Lily seethes, and the Mayor frowns as she recognises genuine hate in the younger woman's eyes. Continuing with caution, she watches as Lily begins to pace back and forth with her hands shoved into the pockets of her jeans and thunder playing across her brow.
"What did I do?"
"You cast a fucking curse! Or did you forget that?"
"Look, I realise I made mistakes in the past, but-"
"-Mistakes?! I grew up without my mother because you kept her trapped under a fucking library for twenty-eight years! Yes, I can blame Snow and Charming for some of the shit I had to deal with, but it all eventually comes back to you and everything that you did. Without you around, I could have had a normal life, a good life, I could have been happy! Just seeing you when I'm in town makes my blood boil. I hate you; deeply and absolutely, I hate you. But do you want to know the part that pisses me off over everything else now that I've found my mother and I'm finally working to find some peace within myself? It's that you speak to Emma as though you're her friend. You go to her for advice, you ask her for help, you expect her to be there for you... I can't understand how you could think you'd have a right to do that after everything you did."
Lily stops her pacing and turns to face the brunette; challenging her. Regina bites the tip of her tongue nervously, thrown by the younger woman's accusation, and while she answers back in a calm, measured tone, inside she feels a little nauseous as it has been quite some time since her past decisions have been called out for her to answer to. She has spent a long time now building bridges with the others, and sometimes, admittedly, she forgets just how far they've come because of everything that has happened since those dark days of her past.
"Emma comes to me, also. We rely on each other... I don't blame you for hating me, I would feel the same way, I'm sure, but Emma doesn't. Maybe that doesn't seem right or fair to you, but we've each put in a lot of work to make things okay between us."
"Well, I can't accept that."
"It doesn't matter. It's not your choice to make."
"No, it's Emma's, but I don't understand how she can just let you feel as though everything's fine. As though everything's over and forgiven. It's not fucking fine!"
Lily chokes, her anger adding salt to her words, and the Mayor shrugs; not sure what else to say on the matter and feeling thoroughly uncomfortable.
"Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way. I am. I can't speak for Miss Swan, however. I can't tell you why she behaves the way she does. All I can tell you is that the way she was behaving the last time I saw her wasn't normal, and that I'm concerned about her. Whether you like me or not doesn't change the reason I asked you to come here with me. You may not care for me, but you do for Emma, and she's the one we're trying to help."
"She doesn't need your help."
"That's your opinion, but it's anecdotally flawed. With all due respect, I've helped her numerous times, and that help has been both necessary and appreciated."
"She should hate you..."
"But she doesn't. Whether you like it or not, she doesn't, and I know her well enough to be sure that she wouldn't thank you for speaking for her like you are now."
"No. You know her now. Of the two of us, I'm the one that really knows her. I'm the one that knows all the gritty, unappetising, nasty things that she's done you the undeserved courtesy of keeping tucked neatly away. The way Snow stacked the deck, it was down to me to have to suffer the crappy side of the coin, and believe me, I suffered just fine. Emma was supposed to come out of it all unscathed by prophetic bad luck or whatever, but what about just regular, plain, magic-free bad luck? You cast a curse that led to her dad dumping her inside a wardrobe leading to god knows where because you left him no other choice; because you wanted her slaughtered... Well, I knew Emma back when she was paying for that threat you made, and I'll bet there were times when she wished you'd just gone ahead and done it. You're the reason she grew up as she did, and stop nodding as if to say that you know all this, because you know nothing! You weren't there. You accuse me of acting like I don't give a shit, but I do."
"I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I didn't know-"
"-Exactly! You didn't know! You don't know! Emma doesn't talk about things because I guess that makes it easier for her, but it also makes it easier for you... Maybe she can forgive you for how your little tantrum affected us all, but I can't. You ruined my life! Everything! I don't understand how or why she treats you the way she does, I really don't! It's not okay!... Now, I accept that if Emma's missing, it's unlikely to have anything to do with you, but don't you ever ask why she might have a reason to be angry at you again, or I'll do something she might not like... Fortunately, it seems like she'd probably forgive me for it. Seems that's what she does now."
Lily mutters this last part spitefully with her jaw clenched, burned out, before looking up at the Mayor expectantly, waiting for her to bite back. Waiting for her to strike; almost hoping for it. Gearing up for the fight she's been anticipating ever since arriving in Storybrooke.
Instead, Regina looks towards the window, completely silent.
"...What? You're mad at me, now? You don't like what I have to say?"
Lily goads.
"Of course I don't!"
The Mayor snaps, looking back up at the younger woman with a furious glitter in her dark eyes. Shaking her head, she concedes bitterly
"You're right, there's a lot that I don't know, and maybe I haven't given that fact the consideration I should have. I'm not mad at you for pointing it out. I don't approve of your tone or your manner, but I'm not angry with you for doing so. I regret what I did for a lot of reasons, and that number just keeps on rising as more and more revelations come to light... It hurts, believe me, it does, but I can't undo it. I've tried. I've done what I can. You may not like me, but you know that; you know what I did to that terrible part of my heart. I can't change the past, though. I can only move on from it... For the record, I apologise for your part in everything, I truly do."
"Apology not accepted."
Lily hisses, hiding a watery sniff behind a scowl, and Regina sighs defeatedly.
"Fair enough, that's your prerogative, but I can't do anything other than apologise. The rest is up to you. I'm not saying that to goad you, I'm just stating the truth. I appreciate the fact that Emma chose to find her peace with me, and maybe I do need to tell her that more often... I don't know."
"No, you know what you need to do? Get a better perspective on all of this, because your own sucks."
"I can't do anything more than-"
"-You blame her! Constantly, you blame her! For having Hook and Neal and her parents when you felt alone. For messing up some plan or other. For Marion. You gave her so much grief for what was an honest mistake, just like you did Snow. We were good friends back when we were, and we talk now, and she may be picky with her way of wording things and keep most of the drama between you two to herself as she knows how I feel, but I've seen you in action and I know just how you will have been towards her when the shit hit the fan."
"I was upset!"
"Yeah, okay, you were upset. Tell me, at any point, has Emma ever turned around and thrown it all back at you? Beyond the odd, irritable comment referencing the Curse, has she ever bitten back that you fucked up everything!? That you willfully, purposefully, tried to destroy her? You told her that you believe she goes out of her way to ruin things for you, and sure, maybe you were angry, maybe you were hurting, but you know full well that's not true. And the fucking worst part of it all is that she tells you she's sorry! She's sorry!? She should be calling you out and making you beg for forgiveness for what you've done to everyone here, and instead, she's telling you she's sorry and following you around like I've never seen her do anyone, hoping you'll allow her back in."
"I know! I was there! I know all of this! I didn't think!"
The Mayor cries frustratedly, begging an end to Lily's tirade as her chest feels miserably tight and her stomach aches.
"That doesn't excuse it."
"I'm not trying to excuse it! I will be the first to admit- at least to you- that I tend to see things in a way that puts me in the best possible light. I don't mean to do it, not anymore, but it's a habit. I felt so much relief when I got rid of my darkness, and maybe I allowed that to help me feel absolved of the past. I could console myself with 'I didn't do that, the Queen did', and in a way, that's exactly what happened, but... We were the same person, I know we were. I feel an immense amount of guilt for many of my decisions made back when I had the throne, I have done for a long time now. Snow, Charming... Sometimes they remind me of what I did if emotions are running high or they need to put me in my place. I resent it, but not them for doing it. Not anymore. Emma does it less, and I suppose sometimes I just don't pair the fact that she's the Saviour with her role in the Curse anymore. Now, it's usually a positive thing for everyone, including me, and I don't always respect the fact that I was the one responsible for giving her that title."
Regina sighs, looking around the blonde's room glumly. Her previous urgency to get to the bottom of Emma's disappearance now feels like a throbbing toothache, dulled beneath a heavy shroud of unhappiness. She can feel Lily staring at her, but she doesn't look up. She regrets asking the younger woman for her help and wishes she could turn back the clock in order to erase the last couple of minutes. Nothing that Lily has told her should surprise her, but she finds that's exactly how she feels right now.
Surprised.
Surprised, and in agreement with the woman stood fuming in the corner.
"I don't know why Emma treats me the way she does."
She repeats quietly after a long stretch of silence, and Lily toys with her hair distractedly as she senses a drastic change in the energy of the room. She may hate the Queen for what she's done, but she believes the unhappiness in the darker woman's eyes to be entirely genuine. Stalking over to the window and looking out at the unkempt lawn, she sighs.
"When we were first getting to know each other again, the subject of the Curse came up a lot, as I'm sure you'd imagine... I blame you. Since understanding your role in forcing Snow's hand, I always have... Emma?... I don't know. I think she's worried that if she starts exploring her feelings about it, she'll open up a wound. She blames everyone. You, but also Rumplestiltskin and her parents. She forgave her parents, so she has to forgive you also, at least by her logic. That's what I think, anyway. It's troubling, though. She has a lot of anger, and I don't know how she's able to hide it so well now. It must still exist though; anger like that doesn't just go away... I suppose that's the thing..."
"What is?"
Regina asks wearily, feeling emotionally drained as she contemplates the eclectic debris spilling out from under the blonde's bed.
"It did... I thought I couldn't hate you any more than I did at the time, but when Emma stepped in to stop you from becoming the Dark One... I really didn't believe she would ever come back from it. You all said you knew that she would, and I thought you were all idiots... I was wrong though, wasn't I?... I guess I have to accept that you must know her at least a little, because you said she'd come back and she did. I hate even having to say that out loud, but it's true. You must know her a little... After all, she's not the Dark One anymore."
Regarding herself in an ornate, full-length mirror, Emma strips herself of tight leather so that she stands bare. The mirror is the Queen's, just like everything else in the room. The Queen's room. She wonders how long it will take the darker woman to hunt her down but doesn't pay the eventuality any concern. She's fairly sure that the brunette won't take too kindly to her intruding on her private space, and this notion lends her a smile. No matter what state of play their relationship has been in, a small part of her has always secretly enjoyed pissing the darker woman off. She supposes the fact that the result would usually be a pleasant flutter low down in her stomach makes more sense now.
A lot of things make more sense now.
Touching the scrape to her sternum, she assesses herself curiously; drinking in the fresh silver of her hair. It makes her look cold- dangerous- and this causes her smile to widen.
Somewhere down the hall, she catches the sound of doors being wrenched open and slammed shut as the Queen seeks her out. Making her way over to the darker woman's bed, she tracks footprints through the dust before climbing up onto silk covers and lying back with one hand draped lazily over the bare flesh of her stomach. Closing her eyes and thinking back to a conversation she'd had with Regina several months ago, her brow furrows as she concentrates, before once more smoothing out as a grin touches her lips and she strokes the cracked spine of the book now lying at her side. Hearing the telling creak of the door being pushed open, she closes time-yellowed pages in a tight grip and greets the Queen with a wicked smirk as the latter spills across the threshold.