When the Cradle Falls

Chapter Eighteen: Rite of Passage

2002

Noah always believed he became a man right before he turned six.

Alice was worried about her son when he entered kindergarten. Because he never had a constant male figure in his life, Alice always wondered if the other boys would think he was too weak or too girlish. She knew nowadays the trendy way to parent was all about letting kids "embrace who they are." But that doesn't change the fact kids are still cruel. Aunt Jan said "kids are kids", but Alice knew from experience how mean they could really be.

In fourth grade, her body started to change while all the other girls were still as flat as boards. Of course, her body was in some strange, in between state where she just looked round. The boys and girls alike called her fat and other horrible names. On a couple occasions, boys would pull down her skirt and snap her bra straps. The girls would point out the acne starting to form on her face.

So yes, maybe it was horrible for Alice to force her son into gendered stereotypes, but in the long run, it would be better. She sometimes wondered if she were trying to heal herself through her son and daughter being popular and not picked on.

Alice asked Brett Barnes from across the street to let Noah on the peewee football team he coached. Although the kids on the team were seven to nine, Alice hoped that would put Noah into a more acceptable social standing.

So Brett Barnes—who had two sons slightly older than Cara and Noah—mentored Noah. The man was physically flawless—buzzed hair, a constant five o'clock shadow, and a penchant for flannels and well-fitting jeans. Brett spent the weekends throwing a football with his son, home improvement projects, and helping his Irish wife, Paula, cook Sunday dinners that they had after the 10 AM Catholic service at St. Patrick's.

Noah spent all day Saturday over at the Barnes'. She would occasionally see them throwing a football, the sons Grayson and Mitchell wrestling with Noah. Cara would sometimes walk by the window and comment that rolling outside was not her idea of fun.

It was on a particular Saturday in mid-October that was especially jarring.

Around six o'clock, Noah came back from across the street when Alice called him for dinner. He was jumping around and shouting about how excited he was that he mastered a side tackle.

Cara was in the living room reading a book, and Alice was upstairs in her room, changing shirts after some soapy water splashed as a result of putting dishes in the sink too quickly.

When an exuberant Noah made his way into the living room, Cara sighed, rolled her eyes and gave him a few seconds to calm down before she snapped her book shut and climbed down from the tall sofa. "Would you be quiet? I'm trying to read?" Maybe her words were proper, but her tone was snobby.

"No!" he yelled excitedly, attempting to do a spin kick. Noah thought he looked quite like a black belt in karate. Cara thought he looked like an annoying pest.

"Go. Away," she deadpanned, stepping closer to Noah. She carefully set the book down on the coffee table.

He grinned at her. "No thanks Care-uh. Go read your stupid book somewhere else."

The young girl bristled at the childish name. Ever since Noah started playing football, he'd become much meaner to her, Cara noted. "I was here first, Noah! Don't make me get Mom!"

He lost a little bravado but soldiered on. "Mom doesn't care what you think, Cara. No one does!" Her mouth pressed into a thin line, but didn't make a retort.

Adrenaline rocking through his veins, Noah stepped closer to his sister. She still had a couple inches on him. He stared at the book. "You know who likes to read? Stupid people! You're stupid! Girls are stupid!"

"No! YOU ARE!" She screamed back in a shrill voice. It punctured Alice's ears, who was sorting through some folded laundry. The mother shook her head in annoyance, hoping whatever argument the two were having would blow over.

Downstairs, Noah began to dance around the coffee table. "'Boys go to college to get more knowledge, girls to go Jupiter to get more stupider!'"

Cara wanted to pull her hair out. She just wished she would go away!

"Really? You're stupider! You think running around outside like an animal is fun!"

Noah was still grinning, unfazed by the comments his sister was slinging at him. That only served to infuriate her further; she couldn't get a reaction out of him. "At least I'm not a loser with no friends!"

"You don't know anything Noah!" Cara screeched, feeling something inside her snap like a rubber band. Alice had always been worried about Noah—she didn't think she should've worried about Cara more than her brother.

"Only losers read books, Care-uh!"

The comment itself wasn't that bad, but the fact Noah used that stupid nickname, coupled with the insinuation Cara was stupid and had no friends, and the jab at reading books, the young girl had enough.

She darted around the coffee table and lunged at Noah, shoved him in the shoulders. "I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!"

He fell back, and landed, elbows catching him on the cushion of the couch. Now he was mad. Getting up, he did what he was taught to do in football, when someone pushed him.

He pushed back, harder.

Teeth bared, Noah shoved his sister forcefully. She shrieked as she hurtled back into the coffee table, face catching the sharp glass corner. Her upper lip was ripped open, a front tooth knocked out—her first tooth lost—and a nasty bruise over her right eyebrow to form in a few hours.

As she hit the floor, Noah stared at her in shock, especially when she began to wail bloody murder. In football, no one started crying like that when they were tackled.

Cara's wails were incoherent, but zeroed the focus of her mother. Alice immediately dropped the shirt in her hands. She recognized those piercing cries: the kind that meant something was terribly wrong; someone was hurt. She bolted down the stairs, yelling both of her children's names, catching herself on the banister when Alice looked over the railing and saw Cara huddled on the ground, blood on the carpet.

When Alice reached Cara, she scooped her daughter up and put Cara's face in her hands. Horrified at the amount of blood, the mother lost it, momentarily forgetting all her training as a nurse's aid. "What happened? Cara, what happened!?"

The girl, covering her mouth with one hand pointed a finger at Noah, frozen a few feet away. "He pushed me, Mommy!"

Alice turned to ask her son, but by the look on his face, she didn't have to.

Picking Cara up, Alice dashed into the kitchen and grabbed a few dish rags, pressing them to her daughter's face. Not sure what she needed, Alice went and grabbed a bag of peas from the freezer and sat Cara down on the counter to examine.

Cara reluctantly removed her hand when told to do so. Alice gasped when she saw Cara's upper lip was split open, evenly down the middle. She also noticed a tooth was missing. That's going to need stitches.

After a few minutes of frantically running around the house, Alice grabbed Cara and put her in the car, telling the girl to hold the rags and bag of peas to her face. She was still crying, quieter now, but still incoherent.

"Get in the car, Noah!" Alice yelled. The boy did so without question.

Alice reversed into the Barnes' driveway, put the car in park, and yanked Noah out of the backseat by the arm. She marched him up to the door and rang the doorbell.

Paula answered the door, hair messily done up with a clip. The apron she wore was covered in flour. "Alice, what's wrong?"

The other mother shook her head. "Could you just please watch Noah? I have to take Cara to the hospital."

"Of course, Noah's welcome over any time. What happened to Cara?" Paula peeked her head out the door and tried to catch a glimpse at Cara in the back seat.

But Alice didn't answer, she was already hanging on the door of the driver's side. "Thank you, Paula!" She peeled out of the driveway and squealed down the street.

Still stunned by the suddenness of it all, Paula glanced down at Noah, his head hung. She put a hand on his shoulder. "Come on, Noah. I'm almost done making brownies. Would you like to lick the batter?" She guided him into the house and shut the door.

Cara was asleep in bed, drugged up on whatever they gave her. Alice sat at the kitchen counter, fingers dug through her hair. Noah was still over at the Barnes', and Paula had just called, offering to let Noah sleep over. Alice had said she'd be over to pick up Noah in a little while. He didn't get to spend the night with friends for sending his sister to the hospital.

It was moments like this when Alice wondered what the hell she was doing. She was only twenty-four and had no business having two kids who were already in elementary school. But she had to deal with it because they were her kids, which was difficult when she still very much felt like a child herself. Her friends were all older, but if she was friends with people her age, surely they would all be partying, maybe starting to settle down, just beginning to think about marriage and kids, some still living with their parents, no doubt.

This was the worst part of it all: being in it alone. If she'd known what it would be like when she was nineteen, she wondered if she would've prevented herself from making the same mistake again, which was a tricky subject to breach because she desperately loved both of her children. She also wondered how she could never hold any resentment towards Dean, none whatsoever, when she so often struggled and felt utterly hopeless at parenting.

Not knowing what to do, she called Dean Winchester, not because he would know what to do, but because he was such a steadying force.

As usual, he answered on the first ring. "Allie! It's been awhile! How is everything?" He sounded so excited and Alice guiltily thought how it only seemed she called him when things were bad.

She scratched at the corner of her eye. "I just got back from the ER with our daughter."

There was a whoosh of air on the other end of the line. "What happened?"

"Your son pushed Cara into the coffee table. She busted her lip open and needed stitches. One of her teeth got knocked out—thank God it was only a baby tooth. She has a nasty bruise on one side of her face. She's sleeping now."

"But she's okay?"

"As well as she can be."

"And you?"

"What?" Alice couldn't seem to comprehend what Dean was saying.

"How are you?"

"Irrelevant."

"Alice—"

"It doesn't matter right now! God Dean I don't know what to do!"

"Where's Noah?"

"I dropped him at a neighbor's house across the street. He' still there now. I'm going to get him soon. Part of me just wants to leave him there because I know if I see him right now, I'll just ending up screaming at him. I'm trying to cool off a little bit. But, I know I need to talk to him and explain to him what he did was wrong. It's just that this whole thing is my fault."

Dean sighed. He'd heard this before. "Don't blame yourself. You know it's not your fault. Kids, especially siblings can be—"

"No. It actually is this time. I forced Noah to join a football team because I thought it would 'man him up.' How awful is it that I'm making our five-year-old do that? And now look how it ended, he pushed Cara and hurt her."

"Why did you want him to 'man up?'"

"I was worried he would get picked on in school because he doesn't have any constant father figure in his life—Dean, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

He sounded slightly hurt. "No you're right. I'll be there tomorrow."

"You don't—"

The line went dead.

Alice gave herself a little while longer and explained to Noah why what he did was wrong. She sent him to bed, hugged him goodnight and told Noah she loved him, and then collapsed into her own bed.

The next day, Dean was there by nine in the morning. Alice had taken a day off work and was sitting at the counter in her pajamas when the doorbell rang.

The first thing Dean did was hug her and tell her she looked great. In one hand, he had a teddy bear with a pink bow in it and a book—Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe—tucked under another arm. Alice wanted to cry when he asked to go and see Cara. Also because he was so warm to her even after she made the comment about Noah growing up without a father figure.

The little girl was half awake, propped up on some pillows, still feeling floaty from the drugs. Her room was dark and she ran a finger over the stitching on her lip.

There was a knock at the door before it opened, which was odd because Mommy never knocked. When a man in a large leather jacket walked in, it took her a moment to realize who it was. Daddy.

Cara burst into tears when she saw him, she wasn't really sure why.

"Hey Care-bear," Dean said softly, heart clenching at his daughter's battered face, which he could see even in the dark. "I got you a Care-bear." She cried even harder when he handed her the bear.

'He's so soft," she sniffled. Dean noticed her words sounded slurred and poorly-formed.

"How are you feeling?"

"My face hurts," she cried, immediately reaching for her father. He moved quickly and engulfed her in a hug.

"Shh, it's okay, baby." He removed his arms from around her and removed something from the inside of his jacket. "I got you something else."

Her eyes lit up when she saw the outline of a book. "What book is it?" The tears slowed.

"Uhh…Chronicles of Narnia? Have you heard of it?"

"Uh-huh!" Cara said enthusiastically.

"Do you want me to read it to you?"

"Uh-huh!"

Dean positioned himself so one arm was around his daughter and began to read the fantastical novel.

Even at seven years old, she didn't have the heart to tell him she'd already read the book twice.

Alice tried her best not to be cold to Noah when she met him at the bus stop. He probably wouldn't understand why she would be still be mad at him.

"Daddy came for a visit," she said when they were walking back, hand in hand. At this age, Noah often resisted when Alice tried to hold his hand, perhaps he was trying to placate her.

"Is he mad at me?"

She paused. She didn't know. "I don't know." Even after raising kids for so many years, she wondered how she could say things that she never would've said when she tutored middle schoolers back when she was in high school. Why would she say these things to her own child; things that as an adult even she didn't understand? Cara and Noah noticed most kids had parents that lived together or were at least divorced—not some man who showed up however many years ago, knocked Alice up, and then came back every few months. That was normal to them, but they knew it wasn't normal for other families. And Alice still didn't know how to define the relationship she had with Dean, but she suspected it was most man's dream relationship.

Noah sniffled but didn't say anything.

"Do you have any homework, Noah?"

He shook his head. "No, Mommy."

"Noah."

He sighed. "I have to read one book aloud to you. And I have to do the takeaways."

Those damn takeaways, she could imagine Noah was probably unconsciously thinking.

When the two returned home, they found Cara sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a milkshake through a straw, and Dean leaning over the back of the chair, pointing out an illustration in the book he'd brought her.

Immediately brightening up, the little boy wrenched his grip from Alice's hand and ran over to his father. "Daddy!" Dean responded by picking up Noah in a hug.

Attention diverted from her, Cara scowled at her younger brother. Alice had made Noah apologize to Cara and give her a hug last night. She had been drugged up and giggled at him. She didn't remember it, but, she was more irritated about the fact Daddy so abruptly switched his attention to Noah. Alice was quick to sit down beside Cara and ask how she was doing. Cara liked it when both parents were there at the same time. It was nice when Daddy came to visit.

"Mommy! Daddy said he'd take me to the park!"

Hair whipping, Alice spun and glared at Dean, her lips in a thin line. Guiltily, Dean nodded and tried to

communicate a deeper meaning with his eyes. Alice at least got that much. "Fine. But you're doing your homework before."

"But Mo—"

"Don't start with me Noah Leonardo."

The little boy shut his mouth quickly, looking down at the ground. After a minute, he turned to Dean. "Daddy, can I read you a book for my homework?"

"Don't forget your takeaways, young man," Alice reminded sternly.

Noah gave her an almost scathing glance, but quickly left the room before she could say anything back.

Dean followed his son into the other room.

Alice stared after the open doorway.

"You look sad, Mommy."

"I'm not sad, sweetie." Alice smoothed down Cara's hair and kissed her temple.

"You don't need to be mad at Noah."

Alice sat there in silence.

"It's okay that he pushed me."

"Cara, you know it's not okay."

"No, he didn't mean it."

"I know he didn't, but it still doesn't make what he did okay." Surely if Cara could forgive Noah, Alice should.

The sound of sucking on a straw filled the room, covering Noah's voice stumbling over a tricky word.

"Everyone is always so sad when Daddy leaves. Where does he go, Mommy?" Alice wasn't going to be the one to touch that question. She didn't know and didn't want to know.

"I know, I wish he could stay sometimes too," Cara answered herself.

Alice continued to stroke her daughter's hair, wishing that one day Cara would understand that Dean would never simply complete a typical nuclear family, just because he was Dean. Alice didn't understand it much herself. There was always a bit of curiosity, but Dean had an almost dangerous aura around him. Alice didn't think Dean was dangerous, but there seemed to be things about his past and makeup that could be fatal if known. That sharp aura about him was the reason she never asked. Maybe if she didn't have kids she would, but Alice not only had to take care of them, but herself, because if something were to happen to her, Cara and Noah would be shipped off to Aunt Jan. And as much as Alice loved her aunt, she didn't know how well Cara and Noah would fare with the eccentric, unstructured woman. So that was why Dean's world was left in the little cubbyhole with the key thrown away.

Dean would always be in a completely different orbit than Alice and the kids.

It was something Alice had to remind herself of every time Dean exited that front door.

Even though he was only in the other room right now, she could feel that gap.

Noah had finished his math faster than Dean thought it was possible for a five-year-old to count to ten. He was just thankful both kids seemed to get Alice's brains.

The first thing Noah grabbed before the two left for the park was a football. It was such a harmless thing, but Dean had always looked at sports with a certain level of disdain. Sammy had tried an array of different sports, because it was the "normal" thing do to. Tackling other dudes to get a ball seemed like a tremendous waste of time. Whatever. It made Noah happy, and Dean guessed that was good enough. But if it made him aggressive towards his sister, that was something Dean figured he should address.

Once at the park, Noah began to run with the ball, telling Dean to go long.

Crouching down, Dean gently caught Noah's arm, and spoke once the two were eye level. "Yeah, we'll play in a minute. Let's have a talk, first."

Noah stilled. "Okay," he agreed, solemn.

Dean sighed and glanced up at the sky, clear, blue, virtually the same whether it was over an expanse of asphalt or a Midwestern park.

He looked at his son, wondering if his blue eyes came from Mary or the delightful Sherry Mercer.

Setting himself straight, Dean took a deep breath, the kind he took right before a hunt. This breath was particularly good, steadying too. "Noah," he began, "You're nearly six years old, so you're pretty much a man." Noah's chest puffed out in response.

"But, being a man doesn't just mean being strong and awesome—which you already are, by the way. Being a man is so much more than that, Noah. Family always comes first, remember that. You protect your mother and your sister, and you don't hurt them." He hypocritically thought to the previous year, telling Alice that it wasn't Cara's job to look after Noah. So why was it his job to look out for them?

Dean didn't let himself answer that question.

The shiny look was rubbed out of Noah's eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt her. No one cries when they get pushed in football."

"Football is just a game, Noah, and Cara isn't a football player. Mom and Cara didn't understand that you were just playing a game. But, normal life is not a game, Noah, its serious stuff. You should know it's never okay to hurt someone…unless, they hurt you or your mom or Cara. Noah, being a man means standing up for those that can't stand up for themselves and protecting those closest to you."

The five-year-old's eyes were shiny again, and lapping up every word Dean had to offer. "I'll keep them safe when you're gone, Daddy."

Dean smiled proudly and ruffled his son's hair. "I know you will."

Dean and Noah returned from the park, and the boy went upstairs to take a nap-something he rarely did.

Cara was asleep again, still exhausted from the medication.

Alice was sitting at the kitchen table, not really sure what to do with herself.

"Did you have fun at the park?" she asked as Dean sat across from her.

He nodded. "We threw around a football a bit. Had a talk. Man to man."

Alice's face fell. "Dean, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it when I said Noah didn't have any male figures in his life."

Dean gave a mirthless, sad little smirk. "Yes you did."

She felt like she was slapped across the face. "Dean, I'm sorry."

"But it's true, Allie. You're basically raising these kids alone. You do what you have to do, what you think is right for them. Look, if I had to raise them by myself, I would have no idea what to do with Cara."

She stared at the man across from her, guiltily. "Don't be mad at me."

He grabbed her hand. "Never, Allie. There's nothing you could do that would make me mad at you."

She looked down at the table, sheepishly. "Have you heard anything about the Hanratty boys?"

Dean thought to the previous year, when Cara and Noah had almost been drowned by two psychopathic school-age brothers. They had hung themselves while in custody, and only to have their bodies vanish.

Dean had followed every whisper of a lead and researched every speck that could've lead him to those boys.

But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It was like Tyler and Jason Hanratty had never existed.

"No. Haven't heard a single thing about them."

"Their parents were under investigation for awhile. They were as normal and boring as anyone got. No explanation for how their sons ended up as mini-Dahmer's," Alice said, tracing Dean's hand.

Dean shrugged. "Nature vs. nurture, I guess."

That drew a look from Alice.

"What?" he asked, innocently.

She smirked a bit. "I just didn't think you knew much about psychology."

"That's all I knew. I remember Sammy reading about that crap when he was in high school."

Alice glanced carefully at Dean. "How is he?"

He shrugged. "As far as I know, college-boy is great."

"Dean, you should really reach out to him."

Dean stood up, snatching his hand out of her grasp. "He made it perfectly clear he didn't want anything to do with our family. It's been over a year, Allie. I'm not holding my breath anymore. He made his decision."

Alice was silent as she watched Dean pace huffily. Last year, he was so torn with Sam leaving, and now here he was, playing it up like it was all his brother's fault. Alice knew it was much more complicated than that, and Dean was just putting on a macho mask so he wouldn't have to talk about it. But in the year since Sam had been gone, Alice felt she saw Dean less, because he was bending over backwards to do whatever his father asked him to.

She ground her teeth at the thought of John Winchester, feeling the usual hatred for a man she never met.

"Where's your dad, now?"

"East Coast. I have to meet him in a couple days for a job in Rhode Island."

She nodded, wishing he could stay for longer than a few days. She wanted to tell him that, but she wouldn't do that.

"How's Jan?" Dean asked.

Alice squinted her eyes slightly. He was always sure to ask about her oddball aunt, which she thought was nice, but a bit strange. "I'm pretty sure she has a 'boyfriend'."

Dean smirked. "Boyfriend?"

She felt herself grimacing. "Not exactly a boyfriend. More like a friend with benefits."

That caused Dean to burst out laughing. He didn't know what was so funny about it. When he was done, he noticed Alice staring at him with a bemused smile. "What? I'm just glad that means I don't have to hear about the however-many-years-a-widow spiel. It gets a little old, you know?"

"I lived with the woman for five years. Trust me, I know."

Dean smirked. "She's something else."

"Yes, she is. I love her but I'm glad I don't live in that house anymore. It was so gloomy." Dean glanced around the house. They both knew the white, open house was starkly different to Jan's dark wood, heavy curtained home. Alice felt so much life in this building. This was her home.

This was really the first place she could completely call her own home.

To some degree, at her parent's house-or even Jan's-she felt that she was encroaching on their privacy and their lives. And she hoped her children never felt that way.

But if either parent could help it, those kids would never live a day without knowing they had a home.

Her lip was swollen. Cara poked at the inflamed skin, but didn't feel much pain. The medicine they had given here worked beautifully. She was just a little upset she had lost her first tooth by it being knocked out.

With a sigh of boredom, Cara leaned back against her pillow. She had been relegated to bedrest for the past few days. Normally, Cara would've done anything to not have to go to school-she had pretended to be sick before-but it was just boring now that she was actually hurt.

The white door open slightly flew open so hard it banged against the wall. That scared Cara enough for her to sit more upright against the pillows.

"Oh," she muttered muddily, seeing Noah standing there in the doorway.

"When are you gonna start going to school again?" The little, black haired boy asked, walking towards the bed. He stopped about four feet away, hands guiltily clasped behind his back.

Cara shrugged. "Dunno."

"Sorry."

She shrugged again. Noah had already said sorry to her, but she knew it was just because their mom had made him. But this time, it seemed like he meant it, like he actually felt bad about it. "It's okay."

"You forgive me?" Noah asked, eyes suddenly going wide with hope.

She nodded "Yeah. I guess so."

"I promise I won't hurt you again, Care."

"Okay, No. I believe you."

Feeling a heavy weight lift off his five year old shoulders, Noah nodded and quietly left the room after that. He closed the door so it didn't slam shut and went downstairs to the kitchen. He went into the fridge and poured himself a glass of milk, after climbing on the counter to get the cups down.

He went into the cabinet and got out bread and peanut butter. Going about all the steps at making a peanut butter sandwich, he was spreading the peanut butter on one slice of bread when Alice wandered into the kitchen, a laundry basket under one arm. She stopped and stared at him for a moment.

"Do you need help?"

Noah stopped what he was doing and glanced over at her. "No, Mommy, I can do it."

Feeling a swelling feeling in her chest she hadn't felt in a few days, Alice-for a very brief moment-caught a glance at what Noah might be like when he was older.

And she was incredibly proud at what she saw.

Maybe she had been too hard on him.

"I'm proud of you," she said, suddenly, as she lifted up the basket back in her arms.

Almost not at all surprised at what she was saying, Noah took a break from what he was doing and smiled at her. "Thanks Mommy."

Noah turned back and went back to assembling his sandwich. Alice went back to walking the laundry down the stairs and the family went on living.

Here's another chapter! Hope you enjoyed.