When the Cradle Falls
Chapter Twenty: Patchwork Heart
April 2005
Feet kicked up on the table, Dean alternated between taking bites of pizza and cleaning his pearlized Colt M1911A1, while intently watching his favorite Spanish soap opera, De un Corazón-a guilty pleasure. But, probably not the best idea, as Dean's mouth tasted like weapon's cleaner and the handle of his gun had pizza grease all over it. Sighing, when the gun was only getting dirtier, he clomped his feet back on the floor and rubbed both hands on the front of his shirt. Long, greasy stains became visible on the white undershirt.
"Son of a bitch," he muttered when there was still residue on his hands. Fumbling around for a napkin, closest thing he could find was the rag used to wipe down the gun after cleaning it. "Fucking fantastic," Dean muttered further.
Irritated, Dean stood and went into the bathroom, effectively destroying the mossy green hand towel hanging up on the hook on the back of the door. It wasn't a big deal, as the motel room towel already looked and felt like moldy cardboard anyways.
When he was done, Dean threw the towel into the trash and stared at the mess he had made on the table, contemplating it.
Scoffing, Dean huffed and threw himself down on the bed. De un Corazón had just ended. There was no beer left. He flipped off the TV and settled back against the pillows.
Half dozing off, Dean awoke to John Winchester entering the room. Expecting his father to be drunk, Dean was surprised when John moved around quickly and deliberately, much sharper than he would be if inebriated. Dean recognized how urgently his father began to throw all of his things in his back. John didn't even say anything about the mess Dean had made.
Dean knew what was coming.
"I've got a lead."
"Great. When do we leave?"
"Just me. I'll take this one alone."
Dean sat up, frowning. He'd been hunting with his father for the better part of the year. Before that, he was fine with John and him going their separate ways. But since he'd had a falling out with her over a year ago, Dean was content to hunt with his father. And that's how it had been for nearly a year and half.
"Maybe I should come with."
"I've got this one."
"But there aren't any other leads anywhere." It was true. The country seemed eerily quiet.
"I'm sure you'll find something, Dean."
"Yes sir," Dean said, when he realized he wasn't going to get anywhere. Arguing with John Winchester never went anywhere well.
"Good. I'll call you in a few weeks. If there's no cases, maybe try to enjoy yourself for a little bit."
Enjoy himself? When had John ever wanted Dean to relax and take a break?
"You too, Dad. Don't work yourself too hard."
Not saying anything, John held up his hand in farewell while exiting the room.
Although it was a more amicable departure, there was no one left for Dean once again.
It had been nearly four years since Sammy had left, and Dean had grown accustomed to being with just his father. He didn't expect he'd see his brother any time soon, and since it had been so long, he didn't think about him much anymore.
But, she was another matter. It had been over a year, but it hurt to even think her name. It hurt more than when he left the first time. Back then, there had only been an inkling, but now, Dean thought about her more than he cared to admit, even to himself. He couldn't stand to think about her.
And his kids. It was different from her, because he couldn't stop thinking about them. It didn't hurt to because he figured they were safer without him. Thinking about them actually gave him some level of comfort. But to dispel that feeling, purposely, he kept replaying Cara's face as she turned and walked away from him for the last time. He thought how Noah must've felt, coming home to find his father gone. Noah never got a goodbye.
Not able to help the feeling of emptiness, Dean picked up his phone and called one of the numbers on speed dial.
"If this is that smart ass teenager, you better hang up the phone before I find you and blow your nuts off. I can trace this call in under a minute so you if you know what's good for you-"
"Bobby, it's Dean."
The old man stopped. "Oh. Thought you were some pimply-faced hunter's kid. He thinks it's funny to mess with me. I helped out his parents last week. And I don't care if he's only sixteen-"
Dean couldn't help but laugh. That must've been a stupid kid if he thought messing with Bobby Singer was funny.
"Enough about that idjit. How you doing, boy?"
"Pretty good. I was just calling to see if you had any leads on any hunts? Dad just left for a solo hunt and I'm trying to find one."
"Gimme a minute." Dean listened to the sound of rustling paper, and a bang, followed by a swear.
Bobby was still cursing when he returned to the phone. "Balls. Goddamn table leg came outta nowhere. Sorry boy. It's quiet on the home front right now."
"Alright...you don't mind if I stop by to try and scope out a hunt, just to be safe?"
There was a pause. "You questioning my hunting skills?"
"No sir I-"
"Don't beat around the bush. You know you never have to ask if you can come over; you're always welcome here."
"It's just-"
"You don't have to pretend with me, Dean."
Dean let down his guard. "Okay, Bobby. I'll see you tomorrow, then. Keep a cold one on ice for me."
"Will do."
Dean announced his presence has he walked through the front door. He dropped his bags by the door and called for the older man. "Bobby? I got a six pack!"
There was no response.
Emerging into the kitchen, Dean was stunned at the sight he saw.
Bobby was sitting at the kitchen table, a heaping plate of spaghetti and meatballs in front of him. He was shoveling the noodles into his mouth with vigor. A pleasant smell wafted throughout the entire kitchen.
The clean, aromatic kitchen wasn't the most surprising part.
For standing next to the stove in a frilly apron was none other than Janet Sutton.
Dean cautiously set the six pack on the counter and made his way into the center of the kitchen, trying to determine if this was real. "Jan?"
She smirked and waved a wooden spoon at him.
"What are you doing here?" Dean asked.
Bobby whipped his napkin at Dean. "Don't be rude, boy. She's a guest."
"I just...I didn't know you two even knew each other."
"There's a lot you don't know about me."
"But you told me you didn't know who she was."
"That was over ten years ago, boy."
Dean shut his mouth. "Right. Yeah." He awkwardly stood in the middle of the kitchen.
"Have some spaghetti." Jan shoved a bowl into Dean's hand and pushed him towards the table. He slowly sat down and took a tentative bite. It was pretty good.
"How is it?" Jan asked.
"Good. Really good."
"Good. In that case." Jan came up behind Dean and smacked him across the back of the head with the wooden spoon.
"Ow!" He yelled, bending down, covering the back of his head.
"I should bludgeon you with this!" Jan yelled, hitting him again.
Dean quickly scrambled across the kitchen and held up his hands, placatingly. "Look-"
Jan cornered him, brandishing the spoon. "I thought you were dead. You haven't been to see Alice, haven't called her. And you've been avoiding my calls. Do you know how many networks I had to go through to find out you were just alive?! Do you know how worried I've been?"
She was worried about him? "Look, I know it's been awhile-"
"Awhile? Awhile is a couple weeks. Not eighteen months!"
Dean dropped his hands in shame. He couldn't believe it had been that long. But it had been. "You said I could take my time," he muttered pathetically.
"I didn't think that meant indefinitely! You know Allie's a mess, in case you were wondering. The kids miss you. They're not better off without you."
"They're safer without me."
"I put them in danger, too! They're safer with you, Dean!"
He looked over at Bobby. "Did you plan this?"
The older man stood. "Think of it as an intervention."
"I don't-"
"Dean Winchester. Shut up. Look, I've been on this Earth for a little while now and I am telling you I know a little something about family. No matter how big of a pain in the ass they-you-are, or how much pain they cause you, the uncertainty is worth it."
"Dean," Bobby said, "Alice is one a kind. You don't let a girl like that get away."
Dean opened his mouth to talk, but Jan cut him off.
She waved the wooden spoon in his face. "Alice's birthday is in two days. You better haul ass over there and beg on your knees for her to take you back."
He stood there, afraid to move.
Jan threatened him with the spoon again. "I mean right now."
He stared looked back at the bowl of spaghetti on the table, not knowing what else to say. "Can't I eat first?"
Jan smacked his arm with the spoon. "Get some gas station jerky on the way there."
Dean turned to look at Bobby for help.
The older man shrugged and put his hands up, keeping silent, well aware he didn't want to cross a woman like Janet Sutton.
Jan poked him with the spoon. "Go. Or I'll key the paint job on that gaudy car."
"Alright, alright. I'm going. Good luck with this one Bobby."
"No, good luck to you, boy," Bobby said a bit gravely.
That caused Dean to swallow, watching as Jan slammed the door in his face.
Sure enough, two days later Dean awkwardly stood on the doorstep of the gray brick home he hadn't seen in over a year. Feeling like a dorky teenager waiting for his date to prom, Dean adjusted the gifts in his hand and weakly ran the doorbell. It was the middle of the day in the middle of the week and he knew the kids would be at school, but he was also hoping she would be working so he could have an excuse to buy himself some more time.
He waited, feeling a bit relieved when he thought no one was home. However, when he saw a shadow move through the window on the door, Dean knew he couldn't run anymore.
And even if he could, he doubted he would've been able to get his feet to move.
The door swung open, and Alice, half paying attention nearly fell forward when she saw who was standing there.
She didn't look like it was her birthday. She wore an oversized t shirt and plaid house pants. Her hair was thrown back in a messy braid. There were severe dark purple bags under her eyes. She looked pale and sickly.
Dean lurched inwardly. He remember feeling the same kind of icy panic when he saw her after hunting her down in Chicago. He'd thought she was ill then. But comparing that to now, she looked positively downtrodden.
But oh God it was her. Dean felt himself staring at her face, which showed a blank expression. The void look in her eyes indicated she couldn't even begin to process what was in front of her right now.
Bashfully raising his hand, the door was quickly slammed shut in his face before he could even breathe.
It didn't surprise him, and part of Dean wanted to turn around and walk away. But the pit in his stomach that had been there for eighteen months chasmed a bit more. It was the emptiness that no amount of alcohol or some easy redhead could fill.
Growling and grinding his teeth, Dean tried the doorknob to find it was locked. Fumbling for his keys, Dean swore while he tried to find the right key. When he did, he jammed it in the lock and forced his way into the house.
While walking through the house looking for her, all that was heard were Dean's heavy footfalls. He felt like he was a predator. He felt like he was hunting a monster.
He could tell she was afraid.
If he were smart, Dean would've called out to her, to let her know it was okay. But he couldn't stand to say her name aloud.
Just as he was about to go to the second floor, Dean paused when he saw her. Through the sliding glass door in the kitchen, Dean could see her in the backyard. She sat on a swing, bare feet trailing in the dirt. She was looking down at the ground.
Shutting the door behind himself, Dean descended the few patio steps and slowly crossed the yard to the swing set.
"Happy Birthday," he managed weakly, immediately hating himself for that being his opening line.
She continued to stare at the ground.
"I got you some presents," he continued lamely, not sure how to address the year and a half gap of missing time. He presented the gifts. In one hand was a bouquet of yellow flowers. They were daisies, according to the lady at the store. In the other hand was a book.
With both hands thrust in front of him, Alice thawed a bit and numbly reached for the presents. She set the book in her lap and examined the flowers first. She gently touched the petal of one and then quickly retracted her hand. She laid them on the wooden platform beside herself.
Next, Alice picked the book off her lap and turned it around in her hands. The pads of her fingers ran over the gold words. Fanning the book open, Alice flipped to a page. "'What shall Cordelia speak? Love, and be silent.'"
"I remembered you really liked that book."
Alice stared down the cover of King Lear. It had been the book she was reading when Dean first introduced himself. She carefully set it beside the flowers. She was surprised he remembered that.
When he didn't get any more of a response, Dean lowered himself into the swing beside her and kicked back and forth a bit. He gripped his hands around the rope. It was the only thing anchoring him here right now.
"I'm sorry," he finally said, after a swell in silence. He noticed Alice bow her head and squeeze her eyes shut tightly.
He had done this to her.
He had broken her heart, even though she said he wasn't able to do such a thing.
"Maybe if I keep my eyes shut long enough, you'll be gone when I open them," she whispered carefully, lips hardly moving.
That was it. That was Dean's last chance to escape before anything escalated. He could quietly let himself out through the gate. All that would be left would be a book and flowers.
"I can't leave." Cause if he did, there was no way he could come back.
Alice sighed, eyes still closed. "I never told you to stay away, you know."
"I know. I was an idiot."
"Yeah."
Feeling a small bit of hope, Dean turned to look at Alice. As if feeling his gaze, Alice slowly turned to look at him, opening her eyes. There were tears in the corners. She wiped them away when she noticed him staring. "I don't know what to say," she admitted.
"I don't know, either. I don't know what I'm doing, Allie."
With that, Dean's entire earth shattered. It had been over a year that he'd said her name out loud.
Words had power. Whoever thought they didn't was kidding themselves.
"I should've come back. I shouldn't have left you like that."
"You have no idea what that did to them, Dean."
He swallowed, feeling the words like a kick to the teeth.
"They act like ghosts. Cara won't even say your name. She's so closed off. Noah thinks he can fix everything if he's good enough, if he tries enough.
"And me? God I don't even know. Maybe my mother was right."
He didn't bother to ask exactly Alice was referring to, as he figured he didn't want to know. He had only formally met her mother one time, and it had been a sordid few minutes. He didn't put much stock in anything Sherry Mercer had to say.
"I'm so sorry. I really don't know any other way to say it."
Alice studied him. "Why are you here?"
"I wanted to see you."
"No. I don't think you did." She leaned forward and squinted at his face. "You don't sound at all sincere. Who put you up to this? Was it Janet? God, I told her to stay out of my business-" Like a spring coiled, Alice launched off the swing and furiously stomped towards the sliding glass door, arms swinging viciously at her sides.
"She's only doing what's best for you." Dean instinctively reached forward and grabbed her arm that went for the door handle.
Electrified, Alice immediately pulled her hand away from Dean but didn't make a move to go into the house. She felt like a guarded high schooler again, wondering if Dean had been dared to come up and talk to her. If it was all a prank.
If it was still a prank.
It sure felt like one.
But this time, Alice didn't just have her own heart to guard. There were two tiny, growing-easily breakable-hearts that depended on her for protection.
And she had no idea what to do, right then.
"You understand I have to do what's best for Cara and Noah."
Dean's lips tightened at that, not liking the suggestion that he wasn't aware of that. That had been why he left. "I know," he said, tonelessly.
She silently regarded him, fully looking at the man who had broken her heart twice. The one she allowed back in her life. "You've already left me twice, Dean."
"Then tell me to go. I won't come back if you don't want me to." The part of himself he hated wished she would tell him to go away and never come back. He had been hung on this one woman for over ten years and he couldn't really say any longer he would never stick to one woman. It was a naive thing to think. But maybe maybe if Alice said she didn't want him, Dean could go back to being what everyone thought he was. He could finally stop feeling a prick in his heart whenever he thought of her face or whispered her name.
Opening her mouth as if to banish him, Alice licked her lips, but paused. She stared at him for a moment, but then looked back to the book and flowers he had brought her.
Although it hurt every time he left, there was a reason he kept coming back.
She shut her mouth.
Dean stared at her with intense, wide eyes, feeling a shift in her demeanor. Perhaps she was a bit more cautious than she had been before, but the slump in her shoulders seemed to be more out of comfort than resignation.
"Why don't you come inside?" She asked quietly.
He agreed, quickly retrieving the forgotten presents sitting forlornly on the swingset.
Once the door was shut behind the two of them, he felt like he was a in a cage underwater, a shark pointing its nose between the bars.
But Alice was no predator. The way she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned on the other side of the kitchen was every indicator Dean was the shark.
He didn't think of himself of a particularly intimidating person during a normal situation. Sure, he could be when he wanted, but right now, he was trying to be extra careful.
"How've you been?" It was a terrible thing to ask, but he would do anything to fill the silence.
She scoffed. "Over the past year? Which of the hundreds of days do you want to know how I've been? Pick one."
"Today."
She swallowed loudly. "Blindsided." She felt like she had the first day he left. "And you?"
Dean shrugged. "Trying to find distractions, I guess," he admitted. That was the most honest he'd been with her in this entire, awkward encounter. "Not just today, though."
Her jaw popped out of place. There was a sharp stinging in her eyes. She wasn't particularly excited to spend her birthday alone when she woke up this morning, but she figured she would've been able to get through the day feeling relatively okay.
But this wasn't supposed to happen today.
Of course, being the romantic she was deep down, Alice allowed a small part of herself to fantasize what would happen if Dean were to show up. Sure, she got her hopes up every morning and at the end of every day when he didn't show up they were dashed. But she expected that.
And today of all days, she had been hoping a little bit more than she should've. Rationally, she knew if Dean were to show up, it would've been on a random day. Not her birthday.
She'd been wanting this. This was what she wanted. In her head, she told herself she would've allowed a reconciliation with Dean when he did come around.
But now, she couldn't find the words.
As crappy as the past year and a half had been, Alice had finally found some sense of rhythm and security. Dean was gone and she was finally learning how to be a mother without waiting for him to show up or even call her. In his absence, she'd become a damn good mother, something she was finally confident and proud enough to say.
It seemed like the ripples were finally easing.
"You have to know how much you hurt me, Dean. Even the first time when we were teenagers. I found out I was pregnant and I was trying to figure out how I was gonna tell you about this baby. But then your brother told me you were leaving town and I realized I wasn't gonna be able to tell you. I wouldn't.
"That day in the diner, I was sitting there, thinking about what I was gonna do with my life. But I had already figured that you wouldn't be in it."
"I never stopped thinking about you."
Alice allowed that. "I know. I mean, you found me after a year and a half. Isn't it funny how our time apart plays out in the same interval?" This current situation was very much like Dean finding Alice at Jan's for the first time.
Dean hadn't realized the significance in time. "I hadn't noticed."
"I did. As soon as I opened that door."
"You always noticed the small details like that."
She frowned. "If...if we decide to do something about this, then it can't be like the way it was before."
Dean' eyes widened. "You mean…"
"I'm different now. I have confidence in myself. I know what I'm supposed to do as a mother."
"And what about as a woman?"
Alice bit her lip and Dean felt something stir in his stomach. "I doubt I'll ever know," she muttered. It wasn't meant to be coquettish, but Dean inwardly groaned at the effect in had on him.
"Do you know what you do to me?" The words just slipped out. In his carnal daze, Dean's brain flew out the window.
"Excuse me?" Alice asked, surprised, unaware of the effect she had on the man in front of her.
Dean felt himself moving forward. Spooked, Alice began to back away from him. "What are you doing?"
"I need...I need to touch you." He raised a hand in front of him, which hung about three feet in front of Alice.
"What about how I needed you to for the last year and a half?"
"Let me make it up to you." Dean seemed to be currently be on autopilot. His hovering hand moved a bit closer.
Arm shooting out, Alice grabbed Dean's wrist and pushed it down to his side.
"You can't tell me you don't want to."
"We're not any different if we do it."
"Different than who?"
Frustrated, Alice tugged her hands through her hair, only to remember it was in a braid. Irritated it made her look ridiculous, she quickly removed her hands. "We can't go back to the way we used to be."
Smirking, Dean took a step towards Alice.
She took one back.
He took another step.
"Stop," she said, breath shaky. "Dean, I mean it."
"Then tell me to leave."
"I never said not to come back, you know. You're the one who decided not to," Alice snapped, quickly turning the knife back on him. Taking the depressurizing in the air, Alice slipped past Dean to the other side of the counter, a solid slab of granite in front of them. She gripped the edges of it.
"I thought I was doing what was best."
Alice knew that was all she had ever asked out of Dean, but she couldn't seem to make herself agree that him leaving out of the blue and leaving nothing but silence for over a year was the best thing he could've done.
"It wasn't the best."
"I can see that now."
"Can you? Or are you just saying that, Dean?"
"I mean it. I really do."
"How are you gonna prove that?"
"Let me make it up to you," Dean repeated.
Still, she was shaking her head, but felt her resolve slowly chipping away. It was amazing, after so many months, she thought she had built up a quite strong wall. But here it was, apparently named Jericho.
"We can pretend like none of this ever happened. Or we can start over. Whatever you want. I'll do whatever you want."
Bogged down by the weight of the decision, Alice shrugged numbly. "I don't know."
Dean nodded, trying to swallow that pill. He couldn't seem to think of anything else to say. It seemed like the only thing left for him to do was stand there and stare at her until she made up her mind.
"Do you need time to think?" He asked.
Alice nodded a bit numbly. "I think so." She paused and thought for a moment. "Why don't you come back this time tomorrow?" Feeling an electric ball of energy in her core, Alice tried to calm herself down.
"Tomorrow," Dean said slowly. He nodded in agreement. "I'll let myself out."
"Great."
"Happy Birthday."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
Once the front door slammed, Alice had to ask herself if that had just happened. Maybe it was a crazy dream where she didn't have two kids, or a man who left her for a year, and was actually just a teenager sleeping in her narrow twin bed in Nebraska.
But the book and flowers sitting on the counter, almost mockingly, assured today was in fact her birthday and she had two children who were at school right now.
Animating, Alice ceremonially left the kitchen and went upstairs to her room. She stared at her messy appearance in the mirror. Tutting in distaste, she suddenly felt mortified that this was how Dean saw her for the first time in over a year. She tried to convince herself it didn't matter, but she didn't believe it.
Not impressed that was her first thought to her appearance, Alice threw on a pair jeans and a button up shirt. She brushed her hair and put on mascara. It wasn't anything special, but certainly she at least looked ready to walk around in the world.
Eventually she got into her white Nissan and backed out of the garage. Mind on autopilot, she navigated through the quaint town, eventually pulling into the parking lot of a small brick building.
After being buzzed into the building, Alice stepped into the small, colorfully decorated office and waited for a few minutes until the secretary finally acknowledged her existence.
"Can I help you?" The woman asked, a bit irritated someone had interrupted her.
Alice wanted to give the woman the benefit of the doubt, but she wasn't doing anything else except playing Minesweeper on the computer while downing nearly a gallon of coffee.
"Yeah. I wanted to sign my kids out of school. Cara and Noah Mercer? Cara's in fourth grade and Noah's in second."
"And what's the reason for signing them out?"
Alice sighed inwardly. "They have a dentist appointment."
"You know," the secretary began, "You really should have sent a note with them or called ahead this morning."
Alice had always been a rule follower her entire life. She never questioned authority. Hated it. Even though this woman wasn't technically authority. "Why does it matter?"
"Because it does." The secretary's pen clicked.
"Next time I'll be sure to do that."
"Right." Just as Alice wanted to snap at the woman, the secretary went ahead and called over the intercom for Cara and Noah.
Alice waited on a bench outside the office for the kids.
Cara was the first to appear. She smiled slightly seeing her mother. "Why did you call us out? I didn't know we had a dentist appointment." she asked, a bit skeptically.
Alice smiled carefully. "I lied. It's my birthday. Thought we could make it a fun day."
"Sounds better than school."
Noah appeared a few seconds later, excitedly running down the hallway. It didn't matter the reason. He was being signed out of school. He was happy.
"Great timing, Mom! We just got back from recess and was gonna start math!" He didn't seem very surprised she had called them out, or even concerned of the sudden dentist appointment he thought they were going to.
"Glad I could help," Alice offered lamely. Her guilt was palpable. She felt like they could see right through her facade, like they could read her mind. She had to remind herself they didn't know Dean had stopped by the house.
About twenty minutes later, the trio was in a small family owned restaurant a couple towns over. Alice and Noah sat on one side of the both while Cara sat across from them. Cara had ordered the mac and cheese while Noah got a burger and fries. Alice got a salad and the three split two pieces of chocolate cake for dessert.
"Mom, can you believe I'm gonna be ten in a few months?" Cara asked, around a bite of cake. She wasn't smiling, but was watching carefully for Alice's reaction. "I'll be in the double digits, just like you."
For some reason, that caused Alice to feel a seed of panic. She knew Cara's birthday was coming up in a few months. But how was she going to mother a ten year old? That was basically a teenager, right? She was only equipped to deal with a nine year old and an eight year old. Each year they aged Alice felt a sting of uncertainty. It was the fact she was pretty much raising them on her own, coupled with the fact she had only been a teenager when she had both of them. It still didn't seem right that she had two kids. She was confident in her abilities as a mother, but she was still plagued with fear for the future.
She just hoped they wouldn't be like her or their father.
What crappy role models Cara and Noah had gotten.
"No. I can't believe it. You two are getting so old. I can't believe how quickly time has gone by."
"I don't think it's going by that fast," Noah chirped, scarfing down the rest of the one of the pieces of cake.
"Daddy!" A high pitched shriek interrupted the end of the meal. All three involuntarily looked up towards the sound of the noise. They watched as a girl-probably not any older than four-ran towards a man with his arms outstretched to her. He lifted her up in his arms, the little girl giggling. The man planted a big kiss on her cheek as the little girl squealed, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Cara was the first one to turn around, snapping her head back to the cake crumbs on the plate. She began smashing them with her fork, pretending she hadn't seen the father and daughter.
Noah's gaze lingered a little longer, watching until the pair had disappeared out the doors of the restaurant.
Alice's attention focused back to her kids, and she watched how they reacted. She saw a mask slam itself over Cara's face, while a cloud of sadness poured down on Noah.
The mood was effectively ruined-at least for Alice. She didn't know what Cara and Noah were thinking, but they seemed to have sobered at the sight.
Had they always been like that? Alice tried to remember other situations in which they saw a father with his children. She had been careful not to mention Dean unless Noah inexplicably asked. Maybe she hadn't thought to scrutinize their reactions as much.
But now, she could plainly see how glum that had become so quickly. But she knew she hadn't done that to them. He had. Their father had. She didn't know his intentions or what he was thinking when he left, but she had been so sure that he'd come back, or at the least pick up the damn phone. It seemed that immediately after that, Cara didn't think he was ever going to come back. For the first few months, Alice tried to assure her Dean would return soon. But at the six month mark with no word from him, Alice began to have her doubts, just like her daughter. And lo and behold, Cara had been right.
And then there was Noah. He refused to believe Dean had left them. He knew Dean would come back, even if it took years. Noah believed he could bring his father back if he tried hard enough.
He would, Alice realized. She gave a small intake of breath when she finally admitted to herself they were better off with Dean. It didn't take much to fully convince herself. She'd done a pretty crappy job convincing herself they didn't need him. Although she had grown much more as a mother, she still needed him. And so did Cara and Noah.
That was it, Alice decided.
Dean was coming home.
BREAK
This time yesterday she had been moping around on her birthday, dressed like she was ill. And now, here she was, feeling a lot fresher than she had in months. Revived, Alice had dressed herself in her nicest jeans, with a cardigan over a tank top. She curled her hair a little bit and put on some light lipstick.
Standing in the vanity in the corner of her room, Alice slipped on a pair of cork wedges, which elevated her about three inches in height. She turned a couple times in the mirror, frowning. Sliding them off, she then laced up a pair of canvas sneakers and twirled once again.
"Better," she murmured, nodding at her reflection. The wedges were too fancy. She didn't want to make it seem like she was trying too hard. Although, compared to how Dean saw her yesterday, anything past flannel pants and unwashed hair was trying too hard.
The ring of the doorbell made Alice's heart flutter. She smoothed her hair once last time, puckered her lips to make sure the lipstick was still intact. Giving a little skip, she ran to the top of the stairs and then visibly composed herself, trying to walk down the stairs at a steady pace.
She took a deep breath and pulled open the door, actually surprised by what she saw.
Dean stood there, wearing a button up-not flannel-that was much nicer than she had ever seen him in. His hair was combed nicely and in one hand was another bouquet of flowers. This time, they were purple flowers in bunches.
"The florist said they were hyacinths. Said they were good for apologizing. I thought you'd like the metaphor."
She felt herself covering a smile and took them softly. "Thank you," she whispered. "Please, come in."
Dean followed her into the kitchen, where she found another vase and set them beside the yellow daisies. He took a seat at the counter and self-consciously scooted the chair forward, wincing when it screeched across the wood.
"I have coffee," Alice said. She slid him a mug of black coffee before he could say no. At least it gave his hands something to hold onto.
"Thanks," he said, quietly.
Alice nodded, sipping her own mug, leaning forward against the counter. Dean noticed today her body language was much more open. "So..." she began.
"I'm sorry," Dean suddenly blurted. "I've had time to think about how I acted. Like a total asshole. I shouldn't have made a move on you. It was a douchey thing to do when you were caught off guard.
"But I've had time to think."
"Me too."
Dean ran a hand through his hair, messing it up. "This past year I've tried really hard not to think about you. I tried to convince myself you were better off without me. That you didn't want me around.
"I was dumb, Allie. I was so dumb. I can't believe how stupid I was.
"I'm sorry I broke your heart. I'm just hoping I can help you patch it back together."
Alice hadn't needed to hear any of that. Sometime in the night, she had come to the conclusion Dean was just doing the best he could. Although she may not have agreed with his choice, it was still his choice. He had Cara and Noah's best interests in mind. That was what mattered.
Abandoning her cup, Alice came over to stand by Dean. He had his eyes shut, looking down at the counter. She gently placed a hand on the back of his neck, underneath the ironed collar of his shirt.
Glancing up in surprise, Dean made eye contact with her, mouth open in shock.
Smiling softly, she tucked her hair behind one ear before leaning in and giving him a soft kiss. He responded eagerly but gently, placing a hand on the side of her face.
"I've had time to think to," Alice said, pulling a couple inches away. "I forgive you."
With a sigh of relief, Dean wrapped both arms around her waist, pulling her towards him. "We'll be different this time, I promise."
"I'm holding you to that," she responded jokingly, before bringing her lips back to his.
The old school bell rang and about twenty seconds later, children came streaming out of the building. Some ran towards buses, others ran towards the playground, while others ran towards the crosswalks to go home.
Noah emerged before his sister, with clear instructions from his mother that she would pick them up that day. He smirked at the bus, glad he didn't have to ride it again.
"Noah, you wanna play kickball?" Tommy Cavhill yelled from the playground. He held a ball in both hands. There were several other boys that stood around, waiting for his answer.
"Can't! My ride's waiting for me!" Noah yelled back, waving to the boys as he walked past the playground. Mom said she'd pick them up at the corner, so he was expecting to see her white car.
Noah froze in his tracks when he saw a car he was not expecting to see.
A black Impala was parked where Mom's car should've been. A man he hadn't seen in a long time leaned against it.
"Dad?" He whispered lowly. Noah blinked several times to make sure it was real.
In a trance, Noah began to walk towards his father, vaguely aware of the boys from the playground yelling at him to come play kickball with them.
"You know to look both ways before crossing the street," Dean chastised when Noah walked up to him, staring straight ahead, not bothering to look both ways before crossing the street. Dean immediately wondered if he should've said that. Did he even have the right to tell Noah what to do after so much time?
"Dad," Noah said, evidently not hearing Dean's warning.
"Yeah, it's me." Dean crouched down so he was level with his son.
"I can't believe you're actually here." Noah sounded in awe, which Dean supposed was a good sign.
"I'm sorry it's been so long, Noah."
"I knew you'd come back. Mom and Cara both said you wouldn't. But I knew you would."
Dean felt a pang of guilt. "I'm here now. I promise I won't do that again."
"I'm glad you're here." Noah slowly wrapped his arms around Dean.
Wrapping his arms tightly around his son, Dean clenched his eyes shut and held onto Noah tightly. He couldn't believe he had willingly given this up for so long.
"What? No." The voice was faint, but Dean recognized it. Opening his eyes, over Noah's shoulder, Dean saw Cara standing at the opposite corner, staring in disbelief.
Releasing Noah, Dean stood up and took a step in the road, towards his daughter.
Cara took a step back. "Noah, where's Mom?" she asked nervously.
"Your mother told me to pick you up," Dean said.
She shook her head. "No. Mom said she would pick us up. Where's Mom?"
"Dad's driving us home."
She kept shaking her head. "No. Mom said she'd be here."
"Cara, it's okay. It's Dad," Noah assured, taking a step ahead of Dean.
Her head was vibrating back and forth so fast, her vision was blurring. She felt like she was going to be sick. "No. I don't know you. Mom always said to never get in a car with strangers."
Noah couldn't believe his sister. "Care, it's Dad. He's not a stranger."
"Cara, come on," Dean managed softly. "It's okay. I'm sorry for everything, but it'll be okay."
"Where's Mom?" Cara whispered again.
"She's at home. She's waiting for us at home."
Not believing him, Cara stumbled a few steps into the chain link fence that bordered the playground. "Cara, it'll be okay. Just get in the car and we'll go home."
Her hands wound around the lattice pattern. "No. I'm not getting in the car with you."
"What are you doing?" Cara turned her head to see Kyle Lahey, from her class, standing on the other side of the fence. There was a comic book in one of his hands.
"Nothing," she said.
"Who's that?" Kyle asked, using the comic book as a pointer towards Dean.
"It's our dad," Noah responded, coming to stand next to Cara. He tried to pry her hands off the fence, but her grip was too strong.
Kyle frowned. "But you told the entire class you don't have a dad."
"I don't."
"She's being stupid. Of course we have a dad," Noah told Kyle. "Everyone has a Dad."
"I don't know him. I don't know him!" Cara said a little louder.
"Cara, shut up! You're gonna make a scene!" Noah said, grabbing her by the arm to shake her.
"Should I get a teacher?" Kyle asked, unsure. He edged away from Cara.
"No! Don't do anything, Kyle! Cara's just being a drama queen."
"You sure?"
Noah gave an aggravated sigh, "Kyle if you don't walk away and keep this to yourself, I'm gonna tear up all your comic books. I know you have a whole stack of them in your desk."
Kyle gaped. "How do you know that?"
"I just do. If you don't go away I'll make sure everyone does."
Clutching the magazine to his chest, Kyle darted away, leaving the trio alone.
"Cara, please just come with me," Dean coaxed. "Please. You know me. You know I'd never do anything to hurt you or your brother."
"You already did!" Cara snapped back.
"I know, sweetheart. I'm sorry."
"I want Mom!" She was shaking and hyperventilating now.
Dean took a step back to give her space. He took Noah by the arm and backed his son up as well. "Give her a few minutes."
Noah shook his head. "What's the big deal?" He asked his sister. "It's Dad!"
Seeing she had more space, Cara finally detached herself from the fence and slowly began backing herself away from them, back towards the school. "I'm not getting in that car. I'm taking the bus home!" Suddenly, Cara turned and began sprinting towards the bus.
Noah ran a few steps after her. "Cara! What are you doing?"
"It's okay, No. Let her go. We'll see her at home."
Frustrated, Noah stared after his sister a minute before turning back to his father. "What's wrong with her?"
"There's nothing wrong with her, buddy."
Noah shook his head. "I'll never understand girls."
"Me either, buddy, me either."
Dean waited a few minutes, and squinted, making sure Cara actually got on the bus. When she did, he unlocked the door to the Impala.
"Can I sit shotgun?" Noah asked bashfully?
Dean frowned at his son, figuring Alice never let him sit in the front seat. He owed the kid so much. "Sure. Just don't tell your mom. Why don't you try it out? I'm gonna call Mom."
Once Noah had slammed the passenger door and was happily bouncing up and down in the seat, Dean pulled out his phone.
"Uh-oh," Alice answered. "What's wrong?"
Dean scratched the back of his head. "I've got Noah, but Cara decided she wanted to take the bus home. I made sure she got on. You may just want to wait at the stop to make sure she gets off."
Alice sighed. "I knew something like this would happen. Okay. I'll be there. How's Noah?"
Dean peered into the window, smiling at how excited Noah was. At least one of his kids as happy. "Happy as a clam."
Alice laughed. "I'm glad. I'll see you at home. Love you."
"Love you too."
Once he was settled in the driver's seat, Dean reached over and messed up Noah's hair. "Let's go home. What do you say?"
"Hell yeah!"
Alice nervously wrung out her hands as the bus approached the stop. She knew Cara would be mortified that her mother was waiting at the stop for her. But she was more worried about how Cara had reacted to seeing Dean. Alice internally beat herself up, knowing she should've told Cara in advance. She didn't know why she thought surprising her daughter would be a good idea.
Stupid stupid stupid, she thought when the doors to the bus open and Cara stepped off, jerking when she saw her mother standing there.
Head down, Cara slowly walked up to her mother. "Dad showed up at school today."
Alice sighed. "I told him to. He wanted to pick you guys up."
"He wasn't gonna come back."
"I'm sorry, honey. But he came back. He really is sorry. We'll explain everything, I swear."
"When did he come back?"
"Yesterday."
"Is that why you pulled us out of school? I knew you wouldn't do that for your birthday."
"Cara mia...I'm so sorry. Can we go home?"
Still looking at the ground, Cara nodded. As the two were walking, Cara shoved her hand into Alice's.
The mother immediately knew how upset Cara was. Never did she let her mother hold hands with her anymore. She was too old for that.
"It's okay," Alice assured quietly, squeezing Cara's hand. "Let's go home."
"Okay," Cara muttered.
When Alice and Cara made it back to the house, Noah and Dean were waiting in the kitchen. Cara took one glance down the hall at her father before wrenching her hand out of Alice's. She ran up the stairs. A few seconds later there was a door slam.
Alice deflated and walked into the kitchen.
"Why is she acting like that?" Noah asks.
Alice ran a hand through her son's hair affectionately. "You remember how hard she took it when Dad left? It's a lot all at once."
Noah shrugged but let the issue fall.
"Give her time, Dean. We needed some."
Dean nodded, biting his nails.
He didn't know how much time she would need, but he didn't see her coming around anytime soon.
A few hours later, Cara had declined having dinner, instead opting to stay in her room.
Around eight o'clock, Alice knocked on her door and told her to come downstairs. At the same time, Noah was sent up to his room.
When the siblings passed each other in the hallway, Noah poked his sister in the arm. "You're in trouble!" He sang.
She swatted his hand away. "Shut up!"
Meekly, Cara emerged downstairs and saw both parents sitting on a couch in the living room. Alice silently motioned for her to sit at the other one across from them.
Cara took a seat and clasped her hands together, looking at the ground. She heard her mother sigh.
"You're not in trouble, Cara."
She didn't say anything in response, but dared to look up through her lashes. Look at her mother, at least. "You're not mad?" Cara asked, suspicious that they were trying to trick her.
"No. We're not mad," Alice assured.
Narrowing her eyes, Cara turned her gaze to her father for the first time. She kept her mouth shut, but let the glare speak for itself. Alice noticed and nudged Dean.
"I'm not mad at you," he assured.
"You have every right to be upset and angry at your father and at me, Cara," Alice said.
Cara massaged the palm of her left hand with the right one, nodding along, but staring at the ground. "Okay," she said.
"But." Alice's sudden change in tone caught Cara off guard. She knew she wasn't off the hook yet.
"What?" Cara snapped with a little more malice than she intended to.
"Watch it, young lady." The little girl scowled and crossed her arms. Now they had to be mad at her. "As I was saying, you can be mad at us, but Dad is back. I know it'll take some time to readjust. You can be mad with us, Cara, but you have to be respectful to your father and me."
Growing ever more ticked off, Cara didn't understand how she could be angry with her parents and be respectful at the same time. What was she supposed to do? Scream in a pillow? Count to ten? Write about her feelings in a diary? She felt her lip curling up as her anger began to manifest itself in more physical forms. "That's a bunch of crap," she muttered.
Alice raised both eyebrows. "Excuse me?"
"Why should I have to be respectful to him? Huh? He's hardly ever here. "
"Cara Clementine, you watch your mouth-"
"Mom! I haven't seen him in over a year! He left us! How can you just pretend like he didn't?"
Dean sat there in silence, biting his lip as Cara pointed an accusatory finger at him.
"Cara, I know it's a shock; I was surprised too. But he's here now."
Cara scoffed. That sentiment meant nothing to her. He left once. Who said he wouldn't do it again? "How do you know he won't leave again?" She demanded.
"Dad promised me."
"And you believe him?"
Alice scooted forward in her seat, feeling a mixture of anger and sadness for her daughter. Cara was only a kid. She had her heartbroken by her own father of all people. "Yes, I do."
Tears were beginning to glisten in Cara's eyes. "Why?"
Mouth agape, Alice scrambled to think of something to say, but Cara quickly picked up on the fact her mother didn't have an answer.
Dean saw this as well. Talking for the first time in awhile, Dean leaned forward so his elbows were resting on his knees. "Cara, I know it's hard for you to understand. But when you're older-"
Feeling like she had been slapped in the face, she sprung up from the couch. "I hate you!" She screeched at her father. "I wish you never came back!"
Already racing towards the stairs, Alice was quick to follow her, but stopped at the bottom, while Cara was already stomping up them. "Cara Clementine-"
"Don't worry, I'm already going to my room," Cara sassily responded, at the top of the stairs now, glaring down at her mother.
"If you slam your door you're grounded for a week!" Alice threatened once Cara disappeared down the hallway. She stood at the bottom of the stairs, breathing heavily, waiting for Cara to challenge her. The entire upstairs shuddered as Cara slammed her door as hard as she could.
"No TV, no computer, nothing but school and chores for a week!" Alice yelled up the stairs, knowing full well Cara could hear her.
Shaking in anger, Alice stared at one of the carpeted steps, wanting nothing more than to stomp on it while screaming. She took several deep breaths and then returned to the living where Dean was still sitting. She sat beside him and leaned into his side. "God, Dean," she muttered, feeling exhausted.
Dean wrapped an arm around her. "She's so angry. I turned her into such an angry person," he realized.
"No. She was a little monster before you left. I think it's just worse now. She usually isn't that bad." To Dean, that still sounded like it was his fault.
"I may be overstepping some bounds, but don't you think you were a little harsh with her?" Dean asked, not wanting to overstep any bounds.
Alice shrugged. "Maybe. But if I don't nip it in the bud, she's going to continue to act like that. And you're not overstepping any bounds. She's your daughter too. I need you to help my with discipline if you see her misbehaving. I know she may be resistant at first with you, but you have to be firm"
Dean gave a shuddering breath. "I feel to guilty to punish her." He just wanted to give her everything she wanted.
"Well don't. Okay? It's unacceptable behavior, regardless of the circumstances."
"She's only a kid, Allie."
"She's a smart kid, Dean. She's knows better than that," Alice insisted.
Relenting, Dean wrapped a more secure arm around Alice and pulled her closer to him. The two lounged on the couch in silence, letting the raw mixture of emotions slowly dissipate. They didn't need to say anything; simply sitting in close proximity of one another was good enough for the both of them. And now-even after all the time that had passed-there was a new level of maturity and comfort that hadn't been there before. Both had grown a great deal over the time apart. There was a small part of each of them that wondered if the separation had been even a little bit positive. But hindsight was twenty-twenty. Now that they were back together, the time apart hadn't seemed like it had been all the bad or all that long.
"This is nice," Dean said.
"Yeah, it's not too bad," Alice responded, smiling a bit.
Little did the rest of the family know, but Noah had been listening at the top of the stairs to their conversation. When he heard an angry Cara stomping up the stairs, he hurriedly scurried into his room and then shut the door as Cara stomped down the hall to her room. He winced when her heard her slam the door and their mother yell up the stairs after her.
Frozen with one hand on his doorknob, Noah waited several minutes in the silence before turning the knob. He stepped into the hallway and crept to the door that had been slammed moments before.
Noah contemplated knocking, but instead opened the door as quietly as he could. He slipped into Cara's room, and saw her figure completely under her covers. There were soft sniffles coming from underneath the blanket.
Initially, Noah had been mad at Cara that she had yelled at Dad like that, but now he wasn't so sure. He came and stood on the pink shag rug in the middle of the room. "Cara?"
The sniffles abruptly stopped. "Go away," a groggy voice said.
"Did you hear you're grounded?"
"No duh, Captain Obvious. The whole neighborhood heard it."
"Right…" He stared at the pink wall.
"What do you want?"
"Why are you mad at Dad?"
"Noah, seriously? I don't wanna talk about this," the lump under the covers mumbled.
"Seriously, Cara. Why are you mad?"
Throwing the covers off herself, Cara sat up and faced her brother. Her hair was a tangled mess and her eyes were red. "He left us."
Noah shrugged. "He leaves us all the time. What's the big deal?"
She knew he wouldn't understand. Noah hadn't been there when Dad left the last time. He hadn't seen the ugly fight between them. He hadn't seen how their mother cried and told their father to leave. Cara had. But she realized she didn't want Noah to know. It was better her little brother didn't.
Cara quickly shrugged. "Last time was just different, I guess. He was gone a long time."
"He's here now, though."
But for how long? Cara had always been sad when Dean left. But maybe she shouldn't be sad when he left anymore. He did come back, but he would always leave. He was always gonna leave.
Maybe she had to accept he would inevitably end up leaving her.
"You're right," she conceded, for Noah's sake.
"I hate seeing you angry at him."
Cara stared at her brother. Her little brother. His black hair was a mop on top of his head, blue eyes always bright and cheery. He was so happy all the time. It was rare he was upset, which made it all the more difficult for her to see him sad.
She sighed. Maybe she had to stop thinking about herself. "Okay. I'm sorry. I won't be mad at him anymore."
Noah bit his lip and looked down at the carpet.
"Noah. Yeah?"
"Okay."
"Good."
And that was it. Cara decided she wouldn't let herself be upset by her father leaving ever again.
She wouldn't let her heart be broken again.
Hope you enjoyed! Next chapter will include the Pilot so we are officially in the series now!
And wow! More than fifty people have followed my story! It means a lot to me that so many people enjoy my story! Thank you so much!