Here's chapter 36, enjoy! :) vote and comment please

Bella's POV

I don't know how we layed together just enjoying each others presence but either way it felt nice to be able to relax and spend some time alone with Edward. He made me strangely calm and it was a feeling I so wasn't used to but was enjoying it anyway. For so many years I had craved some affection, I know it sounds pathetic but I spent six years living with a man that never once treated me kindly or showed me love like a father should do. He should of protected me and hugged me when I cried. Instead he spent every waking minute making my life an actual living hell. No matter how hard I tried to make sense of it, I couldn't understand why he treated me like he did. The beatings, name calling, the rape. He blamed me for it all, had I really been to blame for it. Had I caused my father to turn on me like that?

I didn't even understand the logic of my brain these days. It was constantly going back and forth, one minute I felt none of what happened was my fault the next I found myself thinking whether or not it was my fault. I sighed loudly as the memories hit me full force. Each slap, kick, punch, burn, cut that he caused flashed before my mind. The pain of it all hitting me full force and it was like I was back in that hell hole and it was all happening again. Tears blinded my sight as my body started shaking with fear. I felt Edward move from under me and I flinched not knowing what was going to happen. Right this minute whilst the images were flying through my brain, I couldn't make sense of anything. Deep down I know Edward would never hurt me but it doesn't stop the fear making me tremble. The beginnings of a panic attack taking over my body.

'Bella listen to my voice. Your safe, I won't hurt you. Please you have to calm down, come on take some deep breathes for me' Edward said trying to calm me down. I breathed in deeply trying to stop the panic taking full control of my body. I could feel Edward take my hands in his and squeeze them comfortingly. It take some time but I manage to get myself to calm down but the tears don't stop. They come full force and I can't stop them. Edward sensing my panic disappearing crawls back to the top of the bed and wraps me carefully in his arms. I was sick of having these breakdowns. I just wanted to be better and not have to be faced with the memories.

I'm sorry' I whispered to him, feeling embarrassed for once again crying. God if i was getting annoyed with it. I'm sure he was as well. If he was getting annoyed he wasn't showing it he just held me to his chest and stroked my hair more.

'You have nothing to be sorry for Bella so stop apologising all the time. I've told you many times that I'm here for you and if you need to cry then cry. Do you want to talk about it?' He asked me pulling my chin up so he could look into my eyes. I wanted to be able to tell him why but how do I get him to understand.

'I know thank you. It's just I'm so confused. One minute I'm fine and feel like I can cope with things then the memories hit me and all these feelings come with them and its like it happening all over again. I just want it to stop. I'm sick of feeling this way constantly. I keep remembering how he used to tell me that I was to blame for everything and just as I start believing that it wasn't my fault, it makes me think it is. Being here and away from him doesn't feel real when all i can see in my head is him hitting me. It feels like a dream.' I told him in one breath leaving me feeling out of breath by the end of it. I just want my mind to give me a rest, i can't cope with this pain anymore. It hurts alot and i don't mean the physical pain.

'Bella i may not know alot about how the mind works and i know your getting frustrated with the feelings your feeling but in a way its a good thing. I know you probably can't see that but to me it shows that you register that what happened was wrong and it should never of happened. As of the blaming yourself part, that's because he got into your head and made you believe that for such a long time that's its only natural for you to feel that way but none of what happened is your fault and never will be. Sweetheart he was supposed to take care of you and protect you from harm not anything he has done is right. He used your mothers death as a weapon and that was wrong. Maybe Carlisle could find someone professional for you to talk to so they can help you properly' He suggested.

His words make sense in a way and he's right. Charlie spent everyday blaming me for everything including my mothers death and after such a long time my mind started to believe him. The thought of talking to someone scares me through. Having to sit in front of a complete stranger and tell them what my father did to me. Would it help? I don't know. I need time to think about it.

'Do you really think that talking to someone would help?' I asked him.

'Honestly i think it would be a good idea to at least try it. Your doing very well don't get me wrong but i think it might be good for you to have someone outside of the family you can talk to. I mean you can talk to me about anything, same with the others but a counsellor will have experience and will be able to help you come to term with things better to help you start to move on with your life, just think about it okay darling' Edward says. I suppose he was right, maybe it would be a good idea to talk to someone. I know I could always talk to edward or the others if I needed to but some things might be better if i spoke to an professional.

'It might be a good idea' I told him feeling suddenly tired. Edward leaned forward and kissed me gently on the forehead and then continued stroking my hair.

'If you want, I can talk to carlisle and see if he knows anyone that can talk to you or I know you might not be totally comfortable with this but Jasper has an degree in psychology and you could maybe talk to him if you wanted to' Edward suggested. The thought of talking to Jasper about everything did sound terrifying but maybe being with someone I knew might be easier and I wouldn't have to tell some stranger about everything that had happened and even though we hadn't spent much time together I kinda liked his quite demeanor and he seemed a really nice person. I would really like to spend some time getting to know him aswell.

'Do you think he would mind?' I asked him. I didn't want to force him into anything if he really didn't want to have to counsel me.

'Of course, he wouldn't sweetheart. I know Jasper very well and he cares about you just as much as we all do and i'm sure that he will more than willing to help you' He soothed. I suppose we could give it a try and see how it goes.

'It does sound better than having to talk to some stranger about everything' I told him snuggling into his chest further and I had told most of everything that happened and it scared me to death to think of replaying everything again. I had to go through enough of it everyday when I slept everynight and when someone touched me unexpectedly. The flashbacks always hit me really hard and I try not to let it show in front of edward or any of the others. All they do is worry about me and I don't want them to. I want to move on and be happy again. I shouldn't have to put them through this every single day. Always crying and flinching when one of them touches me. I wish more than anything that my life was so different. Of course I don't regret meeting the cullens but I just wish it was under much better circumstances. My life had truly been horrible.

'Well if you wan't I will talk to him and ask him what he thinks through I probably should tell you that we as vampires have special abilities and one of them is really good hearing and I know that this will probably make you very uncomfortable but Jasper and the others have probably heard us talking, I'm sorry' He said. My head shot up in surprise and my cheeks went bright red in embrassment. I so wish that I had knew that before knowing that they know most things that i thought I was telling Edward in private. Not that I was keeping secrets from any of them but I just didn't want them to know everything.

'God, I wish you had told me that one before. They all probably think im a right idiot now' I said to him sighing loudly. He laughed making his chest rumble.

'Bella, they don't think that at all. They know you've been through alot and understand that you are find things difficult sometimes. They care about you alot through Bella so just make sure that you remember that sweetheart' Edward told me.

'I know, I care about them too. You lot are my family now and you have all been a rock to me and you all give me the strength to get through each day. Life these past few years hasnt been easy to say the least but I don't want the rest of life to be filled with the pain and sadness I felt when I was living with my father. Where is he anyway?' I asked just as fear took over my body. Would he able to get to me again?

'Look at me Bella' Edward said pulling my chin up to look into his eyes. 'I know i've promised this before but that man will not be able to hurt you again and don't worry about getting away or coming after you. We currently have him secured somewhere safe and we won't let him get anywhere near you' Edward said trying to comfort me but I could feel the panic. What did he mean secured, somewhere safe? Why didn't they just take him to the police station.

'Why didn't you's just take him to the police station?' I asked him confused.

'Our main concern at the time was to get you home and get you some medical attention. You were in pretty bad shape when I found you and your wellbeing was my main priority and we were wondering if you wanted to speak to him before we did or whether you just want us to phone the police and get him taken away. If you do want to speak to him that's fine and no one will let him hurt you Bella, I promise.' Edward said. Did I really want to face him again? I was scared of what he'd do. I didn't know how to feel about it to be honest. In a way I did want to see him and demand some answers out of him but on the other hand I would happy if I never had to see him again. Would it do any good or just hurt more? So many thoughts go through my head at the same time that I find it difficult to decide what is best.

'I don't know' I whispered feeling exhausted both physically and emotionally. The morphine Carlisle had given me was definitely kicking and althrough I loved the no-pain feeling, I didn't like the feeling of being constantly sleepy. I was scared to sleep. I didn't want to relive that day again and definitely didn't want to have another dream about charlie hurting the cullens, even though I knew it probably wasn't possible for them to be harmed it still frightened me alot.

'You don't need to decide anything right now, just take some time and in the meantime you really need to get some sleep. We can discuss it further when you wake up okay sweetheart' He told me helping me to lay down on the pillows trying to cause as little pain as possible. I know one thing I was going to be sore for quite sometime it seemed.

'Okay' I told him as I felt my eyes beginning to close in exhaustion from the day's events.

'I love you Bella always' I heard him say from far away.

'I love you too' I told him before falling into a peaceful slumber.

Thank you for reading, review please! x 1 week today till christmas Yayy!