A/N: Just wanted to thank you all for the support on this story. I really love hearing from you all! Thank you to Otakugirl1996 and all the guests out there for your continued comments. I love hearing from you all and your reactions to this story, so please keep them up!
Things will get better soon, I promise. They just have to get worse first...
Chapter 16
Willow stands in the office, eyes fixated on the empty chair that sits across the desk from Commander Erwin. Her lips press downward into a prominent frown as she looks at Derrek's chair where he sat during each debriefing. She imagines his smile as he leaned back in that chair, kicking his feet upwards with little care in the world. She remembers contemplating sitting in the chair before he had a chance to do so, mind pondering the look on his face when he saw the blonde invading his spot. But knowing him, he'd be too kind to tell her to move. So many days she contemplated teasing him in this way, and now, she is struck by the image of the empty chair in the room that acts as a symbol to their heavy loss.
Willow rips her wet eyes from the chair, glancing over at everyone in the room. Erwin sits at his desk with a prominent look of dissatisfaction on his face. Malik and Miche stand behind the Commander with somber eyes while Hal and Willow stand before the Commander.
"We will present him with an honorable funeral," the Commander begins, "his family will be told he fell to the Titan threat, defending his Squad." Malik stiffens at the comment, inhaling with a shaky breath as he straightens his back. It appears that he is preparing himself to say something, but keeps his thoughts to himself. "We have suffered great losses today," Commander Erwin says with a prominent frown. "How many do we have left of Derrek Squad?"
"James, Gunther, and Ben are all that are left, Sir," Malik speaks up in a rasping tone.
"They will assume honorary positions into your squad, Malik," the Commander looks back at his Captain who nods simply.
"Gunther will undoubtably want to move to Levi Squad," Malik mentions.
"Whatever he pleases," Erwin nods. "But we will offer him a position on your Squad nonetheless."
"Yes, Sir," Malik says with a somber tone, thinking of the losses he too has faced.
"Sir, if I may?" Hal steps forward and the Commander nods. Hal's hands shake as he presents the bloodied patch with the Wings of Freedom on it in his hands. "Captain Levi recovered this from Captain Derrek, I would like your permission to hand deliver this to Derrek's family."
The Commander's eyes soften at the Lead's compassion towards his fallen comrade. "I am sure it will bring his wife and son solace. You may take the day if you need."
Willow's heart drops at the information. He had a wife and a son? she thinks to herself feeling a hole growing in the pit of her stomach. She feels guilt overcome her body, coming to the realization that she did not know much about Derrek, despite working by his side for over a year. She never thought to ask him about his life outside of the Scouts, learning of an entire life he lived that she was never aware of.
"The mission was a failure," Erwin begins, not addressing the fact that Willow deviated from the original plan and caused the Scouts' deaths. "The Armored Titan was aware of our plan to lure him into a trap with our artillery weapons."
"Aware?" Willow releases without thinking. She is shocked by her outburst, but the Commander encourages her to continue. "You say that like he is sentient."
"Do you think otherwise?"
Willow thinks for a moment, conflicted in what she has just faced. "The Armored Titan is different than the other Titan's we have faced, even Abnormals," she begins as Malik looks up at her with curious eyes. "Every Titan moves with the singular purpose of feeding their appetite for humans, but that was not the intention of the Armored Titan. He was aiming to kill us with intelligent strikes. Just as he struck Wall Maria, every move he made had a thoughtful resolve."
"What are you insinuating?" Erwin asks, interested in her findings.
"I am not sure, Commander, but I believe we may be facing another group of Titans that exhibit intelligence beyond that of Abnormals, with a singular desire to kill for the sake of killing."
Malik widens his eyes gasping at the idea of a murderous Titan, getting its kicks on killing its prey instead of devouring it.
"Do you think they are capable of understanding us?" Hal asks glancing over at Willow as the thought burrows in his skull. "I had relayed the intent of the mission to Willow of luring the Armored into our artillery trap. Shortly after this, the Titan roared and attempted a strike against me. Could it be possible it heard and understood me?"
The thought makes Willow shiver to her core and Erwin's features immediately fall into an unreadable expression that Willow has noticed occurs when the Commander is devising a plan.
"Thank you, Commander," Malik releases, knowing the Commander to want his space with that look, moving from him and out of the office with his Leads following in tow.
Willow watches Malik carefully as he moves, seeing the shock of Derrek's death lace his movements. His shoulders are tense, his eyes are slightly widened with sunken dark circles curving underneath, and he is visibly worn down in his expressions. Like Willow and Levi, Malik also witnessed the Captain take his life as he turned back to gather Willow from the field. When his mind finally understood what was unravelling before him, his instinct was to leave and spare Willow any more grief as the girl wailed at his death. Malik tore Willow from Levi's grip, pulling her into his own and propelled her away from the scene with wicked force. She remembers the waves of sorrow crashing into her all at once, making her sick. She squirmed out of his grip, plummeting to the ground where she crawled to the base of a nearby tree to vomit at the image of Derrek's dead eyes staring back at her.
"Sir," Hal's voice pulls Willow from her memories and she looks up at the blue-eyed man who stands before her. "Do you need anything from me before I ride to deliver this?" he asks holding the patch Levi retrieved.
Malik looks at him with slightly widened eyes, swallowing hard as he takes hold of the bloodied patch into his hands. His blue eyes land on the last thing remaining of the partner who left him to do this on his own. He crumbles the patch into his grip as his eyes begin to water and he battles the tears from breaking through the barricade of his lashes. "Do whatever you need to do," Malik says with his nose wrinkling in disgust. "He was a fucking coward," he scoffs, tossing the patch to Hal's chest and leaving before either can respond to his hateful words.
Willow watches with hurtful eyes seeing the Captain falling into pieces at the death of his dear friend, knowing his words not to be how he truly feels. Hal releases a built-up sigh, turning towards Willow whose eyes are fixated on the Captain. "Would you like to join me?" he asks in a tone that tells her that he needs her to join him more than just a simple request.
She simply nods, and they head to the stables where they saddle up and prepare themselves for the ride into town.
They do not speak to one another, unsure of what to say. Eight Elite soldiers, including Captain Derrek all died because Willow did not pay attention to the mission. After their deaths, Willow reviewed the dossier on the mission reading that her role was to work with Malik Squad to lure the Armored into a wooded area where artillery cannons waited. Once he was lured in, the Armored Titan would have been blown with thousands of ammunition rounds in hopes to pierce his armor. From here, Willow was to jump in and give the final blow before the Titan could regenerate.
Her role was never to control the Titan, and had she paid attention, she would have known that and never deviated from the plan. It is because of her that Malik has lost his first members, and it is because of her that Derrek and his Squad are dead.
They reach a modest home within Wall Rose and Hal swings his leg from the horse, tying the steed to the stable outside the home. Willow follows suit, looking up at the home that Derrek called his own outside of the Corps camp.
She swallows hard as Hal takes in a labored breath. She looks down to see his hand shaking by his side as he grips onto the patch. Willow reaches for Hal's hand, holding it tightly with the patch secured between their grip. Hal looks down at her with icy grief-stricken eyes that are accentuated by the bloodshot in them. She tightens her grip on him, as if giving him the strength he needs to do this. A sad smile tugs on his lips and turns from her, knocking on the door.
After a moment of shuffling in the home, the door opens to a short brunette woman with large green eyes and hair placed wildly atop her head. Her eyes enlarge when they land on Hal, "Hal!" she calls out excitedly, with a large smile that battles Derrek's, "What brings you here?" she asks glancing between him and Willow.
Willow examines her face, she is beautiful and baby-faced, with a soft upturned nose and rosy cheeks. Willow smiles at her until her eyes wander down and she notices the large bump under the apron tied at her waist. Her smile turns downward as dread overcomes her at the realization that she is pregnant.
Willow blacks out at the sight of this, and does not hear Hal speak to her or her welcome them inside her home. She simply moves without thinking, sitting down next to Hal as her eyes stay fixated on the woman's bump.
"Thank you, Margot*," Hal says as she hands him a cup of tea. She hands Willow one and after a moment of staring, she shakes her head and returns to the present, grabbing the cup and thanking her for her hospitality.
"Derrek told me that you are doing well within the Scouts," she begins, beaming at Hal. "He told me that he was working with the Commander to get you promoted to Captain," Hal's eyes broaden, and she touches her lips hiding a smile. "I'm sorry, I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be a secret," she says with a sweet giggle. "He said the Commander received it well, but you know how Malik is; he is going to fight tooth and nail before giving someone as valuable as you up," she says with a soft smile.
Hal gasps at the information, having always wanted to be a Captain, but finding no happiness in her words with Derrek's death weighing down his chest. Hal swallows hard, placing the cup of tea on the table with shaking hands. He digs in his pocket, pulling out the patch and wringing it nervously as he contemplates how to present it to her. "Margot," he begins with a trembling voice.
"And you must be… Willow?" she asks looking at Willow with wide eyes. "Derrek told me about your fearlessness atop the Titans," she coos, "The tales he told me about you! I've never seen him so hopeful! He told me that you are the key to the Scouts retaking Wall Maria. We would stay up all night talking about the hope this will bring everyone. I don't know how you can be so brave."
Willow drops an involuntary sob, covering her mouth quickly as her eyes begin watering. "Excuse me," Willow hitches as she gets up, placing the tea down with quivering hands and fleeing the room. She pushes herself out of the home and begins hyperventilating in the street, grasping at her chest trying to gather her breathing as her heart feels like it is shattering.
The image of Derrek's dead eyes staring back at her penetrates her mind and scratches at her sanity. Tears stream down her hot cheeks as she looks up at the sky, allowing the soft wind to blow through her hair and bring air back into her collapsing lungs.
She stands outside for a moment, staring up at the clear sky, watching as birds fly past her. After a few moments, she hears the door open and turns to see Hal descending the stairs with red bloodshot eyes. "Let's go," he states as he sniffs back a tear.
He grabs onto the reins of his horse, but before he can hoist himself up, Willow approaches him, wrapping her arms around his waist and taking him in for a tight hug. Hal is taken aback by the gesture, frozen for a moment as he looks down at her, having never actually hugged one another. He soon recovers and wraps his arms around her shoulders, entangling his fingers in her golden curls and pressing his lips to the top of her head trying desperately to keep himself from falling into pieces before her. But his composure is broken, and he begins weeping in her hair. She tightens her grip on him as his body shakes with every crashing sob.
After departing Derrek's home, Willow and Hal go into a tavern for a drink, sitting across from one another in silence as they take quiet sips of their ale. Willow's mind is wracked wondering how Hal told the woman of her husband's death and the unimaginable confusion and pain the woman must have felt at his words. She can see the memory haunts him, and though Hal did not witness Derrek take his life, the idea of him doing so weighs heavily on him. They all decided to tell the others in the Corps that Derrek died at the hands of the Armored, maintaining his reputation, with only a few of them holding the burden of Derrek's true demise.
Hal takes a large gulp of his ale, looking off into nothingness as he drinks away the memory of his fallen friends. Willow watches him carefully, knowing the death of them haunts him, especially knowing how close he was to Colin; it could have easily been him instead, and she wonders if he wishes it was him.
"I didn't know he had a pregnant wife," Willow states, the idea haunting her, "or a son."
Hal's bloodshot eyes flash to her through strands of black hair with an unreadable expression that she desperately wishes she knew what he was thinking. "She would come by when I first joined and gave us pastries that she baked." Hal says with no smile or happiness showing at the memory, too torn in the sorrow. "She stopped coming around when Little Derrek was born," he tells her, taking a sip of his drink.
"Does Malik have a family?" Willow asks, suddenly wanting to know everyone's lives outside of what she knows of them as Scouts, regret striking her for never hearing Derrek's story in his own words.
Hal's expression stays neutral, clearly trying to desensitize himself from the day. "He had a fiancé, but she left him when he joined the Survey Corps. She believed the Corps was where degenerates and criminals went to avoid persecution; an heir to a noble family has no business joining the Survey Corps."
Willow widens her eyes, not pegging Malik as an heir to a noble family and wonders what could have compelled him to join the Survey Corps. "Do you know why he joined?" she asks him, eager to know more about her Captain.
Hal shrugs, "He doesn't speak of it much, just that he was tired of the pompous lifestyle he was living. He wanted to be a man of worth to society, and believed this was the way," he breathes out and Willow wonders if Malik feels it was all worth it now. "He and Nanaba apparently started hooking up when he became Squad Lead with her. They had a very public falling out and he was forced off of the team by Miche. Erwin took him in his Squad before he became Commander, then made him a Captain shortly after, which didn't sit well with Nanaba or Miche," he shrugs, "But the heart wants what it wants, and they continued their relationship on and off since," Hal tells her. "As far as I am aware, they are still crawling back to each other," he says with a clear dissatisfaction on the matter and Willow wonders why it would bother him.
"What about you?" she asks looking into his cold eyes. "Why did you join?"
"I have a similar story to Captain Levi's," he states simply.
Willow shrugs, "I don't know his story, just that he grew up in the Underground."
Hal frowns, figuring the Captain had to have told her about his backstory on the many times they must have ventured into the woods alone by the cover of night. "I grew up there too," Hal begins, "We didn't know one another; it was so vast down there. But I got myself into some shit, and got tangled in with the wrong crowd," he states with a growing frown line between his brows. "I worked as a collector for anyone that owed the local gangs any money, and if they failed to deliver on their payment…" Hal lingers on the thought for a moment, wondering if he should tell her, but figures she can handle the information. "Depending on how much they owed and how likely they were to pay, I would mostly cut them up a bit and scare them into paying up, but if it was clear they weren't going to pay, we would slit their throats and leave them slumped up on their doorstep. It was our calling card and a warning to anyone indebted to us."
Willow does not cringe at this information or react negatively to it, giving him a feeling of relief that she does not judge him for his criminal past. "So how do you go to the Scouts from there?"
"I was caught and arrested in a raid. I was given the choice to hang or join the Survey Corps. Both were a death sentence, but I figured I might as well go out knowing what it feels like to fly."
Willow smiles at the sentiment, seeing that he found some solace in joining the Corps. "That damn Survey Corps, full of degenerates and criminals trying to avoid persecution."
Hal smiles for the first time in the day and Willow feels her chest growing warm at his softening expression. He takes a sip of his drink and she continues, "do you have any family, like Derrek?" she asks him.
"No kids that I know of," Hal grunts with a wry chuckle that Willow smiles at. "I have a little sister," he tells her. "I send whatever compensation I get to her to keep her out of the Underground." He takes a heavy gulp of his drink, "She got pregnant by some deadbeat who didn't want the kid. He didn't want to take care of her, so I delt with him and now I take care of her."
Willow doesn't ask what Hal means by 'delt with him', figuring the worst and leaving it at that. She thinks about her sister and how she took care of her and her kids when their father decided not to be a father. She understands the struggle that he faces and is just happy to hear that she survived the attack and is able to live a happy life with her brother taking care of her.
She watches as something bothers him, the line between his dark brows growing prominent, and he fiddles with his mug of beer, staring at it intently as he considers how she will respond to his question. "I have an intrusive question," Hal begins, and Willow watches him with a blank expression. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but it has been bothering me."
"What is it?" Willow asks, curious of the question.
Hal looks at her with tense eyes through the black strands of his hair that fall in front of his face, "What happened between you and Captain Levi that night you came back crying?" he asks, and Willow's face drops at his inquiry. "I saw the Captain arrive just before you, and he looked frustrated, then you arrived and…" he lingers, waiting for her to respond to him and tell him to mind his own business as she did before. He thinks that maybe he should, not sure that he would want to know if something happened between the two of them.
Willow sighs and pulls her lips downward into a frown. "I don't know," she discloses honestly. "I upset him somehow and I don't know what I did wrong," she says vaguely as her mood grows grim. She shakes her head, "None of that really matters anymore, does it? I didn't listen to Erwin's debriefing of the mission and it was because I didn't know what was going on that I attacked the Armored and got everyone killed." She places her head down in shame, voicing the conclusion that she was responsible for all their deaths.
"You didn't kill them, Willow," Hal tells her sternly with cold eyes, his face shading behind his hair. "The Titans did, and if it wasn't for you, I'd be dead among them," he says replaying the moment the Armored moved for him before she sprang in and blinded him. "I can't thank you enough for that."
Willow shrugs, "well I can't count how many times you did the same for me."
"Margot was right about what she said," he begins with a somber tone. "Derrek saw it, Malik, Levi, Hange… all of us see it. The way you go so blindly to kill these Titans. You're fearless," he says with strong passionate eyes, "Watching you that first day and even now, I am in awe of you."