Solas and I sat together in silence for a while after our discussion. Every now and then I glanced at him and he would glance at me and I'd smile and look away. It was one of those smiles that pull at your cheeks unwillingly, one that would spread to a grin if you let it. There was something so special about those smiles. It was Solas... Every time I looked at him I felt my chest swell and my cheeks blush, my heart would shiver and I couldn't stop smiling. I wanted to be closer to him, to scoot my stool an inch and rest my head on his shoulder and just bask in this feeling. The idea that my feelings weren't totally unrequited gave me a rush from my chest, right out to my finger tips. He looked more distant than usual, and truly, for Solas that was saying something. His eyes floated off to nearby windows, then fell to the shadowed corners of the tavern, they darkened there and an uneasy feeling swelled up in my throat. Second thoughts are indifferent glances that fail to meet your eye.
Hastily, more hastily than I intended, I ordered another drink.
"Want one?" I chirped.
"No, thank you..." His curt words were forced through a thin smile.
I ignored it, or at least tried to and smiled, though I'm sure it was as false as his, "Suit yourself."
The silence between us shifted to something thick and impassable then. Like a thick bramble that grew slowly between us and every second it was left uncut, it grew harder to reach him.
Suddenly, however, I heard the door of the tavern swing open and thank the creators for Dorian's flare for pomp.
"There she is!" he cried, almost leaping across the other patrons to get to me, "The woman of the hour!"
"Dorian!" I called back and crashed into him with open arms, "Oh, I'm so glad to see you."
"I know, I know, you've missed me terribly. I can only imagine the kind of monotonous company you've had these past two weeks. No offense, Solas."
Solas bowed his head and stood from his chair, "None taken." was all he muttered before he slipped between the crowd and was gone. My heart sank and my chest yearned to have him close by again.
"Well, we've all been waiting anxiously to see you again, they're all outside, let me just fetch them."
Now, whilst I love and adore my friends whom I'd found in this inquisition, the thought of having to sit and smile and banter and converse with them all at the present moment exhausted me. It would all seem so false and tiring. My head was not in the place for a party, or even really to sit with friends. It swam with thoughts of Solas' cold stare after so many warm smiles. It was caught amidst the memory of that fiery kiss in the fade and him politely excusing himself to leave. I realised then that my relationship with Solas was in a perpetual limbo. At first, I was his friend and his enemy, his friend and then nothing and now? His lover? Or was I? I shook my head. I would not let him drag me along like this. If he was happy to be nothing and ignore all that had happened, then fine! So was I! It was too exhausting trying to determine where I stood with him, so I decided then and there that we would be nothing but friendly acquaintances, unless he proved to me otherwise.
"And now, everyone is panicking because this thing has a whole lot of momentum with no rudder to steer it." Varric said, the rest of them had appeared in front of me sometime during my thoughts.
"I think its fine how it is, we've gotten this far without a named Inquisitor, why should we need one now?" Blackwall shrugged as he took up a seat beside Bull.
"Sure, that's when we were a small organisation with no need for a leader. Look at it now, we need someone to pull this thing together, someone who can unite every aspect of it." Bull said, as he downed his drink and ordered another.
"Well, I know exactly who should be Inquisitor." Dorian smiled deviously and with a small flourish of his hand, he pointed at me.
"Me?! Are you mad!"
"And why not? You've lead us through these snowy mountains did you not?"
"No, I didn't, Solas did." I said begrudgingly.
"Sure he may have given you directions but you made the contact with Leliana, you left the trail." Bull nodded, emphasising his points with his mug.
"And if I'm not mistaken, Trixie, you saved the Heralds life back in Haven. You were the one who faced down Corypheus with nothing but a bow and arrow."
"And lets not forget you lead the infiltration of Redcliff and orchestrated the recruitment of the mages. You are a very possible candidate, Dear Nev."
I was struck dumb by their suggestion.
"I- I'm not a leader... I can't, I'm not the least bit diplomatic... I don't know anything about politics..."
"All that can be taught." Varric waved his hand in a flippant gesture and then rested it on my shoulder. "If you think every great leader wanted to lead, then I've got news for you."
I jumped back from them, my hands put up in defense, "Look, look, look. Whilst I'm very flattered by the suggestion, I cannot be the leader of this Inquisition. I have not been the one leading the people. No one flocks to Skyhold because of me. They come here for the Herald, she is the one who should be leading this."
"And you still believe that? After she put you in jail?" Bull raised an eyebrow and part of me wanted to jump out and agree with him, but I didn't.
"Yes, wholeheartedly. She is the leader the Inquisition needs, Bull. And yes, she's made mistakes but she has learned from them."
"And if she refuses the role and its offered to you?" Blackwall asked. Suddenly in the corner, I saw a disproving pair of yellow eyes. Mythal shook her head severely. I looked away from her and back to my friends, heat rising in my cheeks.
"Look, I just can't do it, alright?" I snapped.
"Wow, Trixie, it's just talk, hypothetical... Nothing is set in stone." Varric said softly.
"Not your time to lead, The People will need you." Cole's voice whispered from the beams above me where he sat. I'm not sure if the others heard it or if it was just meant for me. When I looked to the corner again, my grandmother was gone.
I sighed and tried to clear the thoughts that swam in my head, The People will need me? What the hell did that mean? Again I was being fed riddles and I was getting bloody fed up with it. I rolled my shoulders and took a long slug of my drink.
"Sorry... Just a lot on my mind, Varric, I didn't mean to get angry." I sighed.
They looked between each other and then to Dorian. He gave them a frustrated look but then groaned and rolled his eyes. The rest of them, less than nonchalantly, backed away into the crowds behind them.
"Alright, what's he gone and done." Dorian sighed, leaning his elbow on the bar only to jerk it back in disgust and wipe away whatever he found there.
"Who?" I acted ignorant.
"You know who, your less than charming elf friend. I saw the way he slunk out of here earlier. What has he done?"
I rolled my eyes and was about to lie and say that nothing was wrong, that we were fine. I'd let this whole thing blow over without even acknowledging it... But it was like having a sack of coal on my shoulders and perhaps talking to Dorian might alleviate it. I sighed and tried to explain the situation without telling everything.
"He hasn't done anything, Dorian... that's the point."
He looked surprised, "Nothing?"
"Well, not nothing..."
His brow arched, "Ah, yes. Not nothing? Let me guess, he not nothinged you and hasn't spoken to you since. I thought he was the type. Always looks like he's hiding something."
"No!" I cried, the alcohol I'd been drinking loosening my tongue perhaps more than I'd intended. "We kissed."
"You kissed?"
"Yes."
"Just a kiss?"
"Yes!"
He didn't look convinced.
"Well it was about to be more than a kiss." I admitted and he nodded with smug satisfaction. "He said that we shouldn't do anything because it wouldn't be right and that he needed time."
He looked well and truly surprised then. "Time? Time for what?"
"I don't know, he didn't say. I presume, whether or not he wants to pursue this." I watched then as Dorian's face fell grave for a second, "What?" I said warily.
"I don't want to see you getting hurt. Solas may be mysterious and... whatever else it is that you see in him, but don't let him hurt you."
"Dorian, I'm a big girl, I can handle men." I said wryly.
He snorted, "I don't doubt it for a second. But there's a difference between handling men and falling in love."
"Who said anything about love?" I said shortly.
"You don't have to say anything about love. You see it, you feel it. I see it, it radiates off the two of you like a torch. And with a love like that Nevalla, it's a lot easier to get burned."
I glanced up at him from my drink but I said nothing, hoping only that my look might convey my plea to cease with the topic. Ale swam in my gut now and made the room sway and all the fire light danced. The shadows ebbed and flowed around them. I hadn't realised how much I was drinking until then. The sound of the room was now indistinguishable, clattering and shouting and cackling, all rolled into one obnoxious blare.
"I think I'll turn in." I said quietly and he straightened his back, his eyes looking almost offended before he blinked and nodded. Maybe he understood then that he'd delved deeper into my thoughts than I liked. I stood without saying another word. The room span in a slow waltz and I tried to hide my slight stumble as I stepped out into the night air. Perhaps I had been there longer than I thought. I shut my eyes and sighed, letting the quieter, cooler air outside sweep away the dizziness and stuffiness of the tavern. I realised then that I had not been assigned a room, or even a bed and I wasn't about to spend another night in that tavern. I asked around for Leliana and was told she'd be in the tower. I trudged up the stairs, their ever curving motion making my head spin even more so than it already was. Leliana was stood, leaning at her desk when I found her, it seemed to be a favoured position of hers.
"I really doubt that anything on that table is so interesting." I slurred, as I perched myself against a wooden beam near the window. She lifted her head and smiled at me, not in the least bit surprised to see me.
"It's good to see you've taken advantage of the facilities here at Skyhold, Lavellan." her eyes returned then to her table.
I waved my hand and blew out a burst of air, spit flying out in a small mist. "Well someone had to use it, everyone is far too serious these days... You'd think, hic, you'd think, it being the end of days and all, that people would be a bit more..." I shot my arms out but when the word wouldn't come to me they flopped back to my side. Leliana was watching me when I looked to her. She had this half confused look in her eye. Almost like judgement... But it wasn't but it was a strange look. I didn't want it or need it, and in my drunken state I took great offence to it.
"I'm beginning to think I'm more trouble here than I'm worth." I mumbled.
"Lavellan, perhaps you should get some rest."
"Well see now, that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about, I haven't got a place to stay." I shrugged and something about what I said made me endlessly sad. I had no place to go. I was alone again in this place I thought my home. I started to cry, ugly little sobs that were mingled with drunken ramblings. I heard Leliana sigh heavily, but she settled her arms about my shoulders and lead me quietly down the stairs again. The walk to my room was dark and blurred and I can't really remember a lot of it. I do however, remember Leliana leading me towards my bed, taking off my boots and tucking me in. she lit the fireplace opposite and told me to get some sleep.
"Wait..." I croaked, trying to sit up from the bed, but she hushed me and settled me back on the pillow.
"Get some sleep, I'll have some water and eggs made for you tomorrow. Maker, if you can even stomach them." She chuckled. I smiled lazily into the pillow.
"You're my bestfriend..." I mumbled. She squeezed my shoulder and whispered, "And you are mine." Before standing up softly and making her way out of the room. It didn't take me long after that to fall asleep.