"What if this is not what I want?" I felt myself say it, though my mouth seemed not to move. My words echoed over the halls around me. They were silver and shimmering and stretched for what seemed like miles. Orbs of light floated around me, little purple stars that bounced and faded as though leaves on a breeze. My mind registered this as a memory, or a dream of a memory for everything shifted and changed too quickly and yet happened completely in time. Mythal was sitting at the head of the hall, her protective shadows on either side of her and she did not look impressed. She didn't answer my question, just arched her brow and tilted her head so it rested on two fingers.
"What if I refuse?" I said.
"You cannot refuse." she said, rigid and cold.
"Am I no better than a slave then? A puppet for you to use so you may still hold power. That's all I am to you. A pawn, a piece you can move and use to suit your ends. You're no better than the Evanuris."
"Valla..." My mother was standing beside me, he gentle voice chastising me. I could have almost cried at how real she was. She was there, solid and tangible and more clear than I had ever seen her before.
"Mama..." I whispered, whatever else I might have said to my grandmother was caught in my throat. "I miss you."
Her face turned sad but she smiled nonetheless. A smile so gentle and comforting that I ran to her. "I miss you too, my little bird." Her delicate arms encompassed me in a hug and I squeezed her tightly. It was so real, so unlike a dream that I had to wonder if it was truly her.
"I need you with me." I whispered.
"Oh Valla... You haven't needed me in a long time. You have become such a wonderful person and I could not be more proud of you. My little bird no longer little." She pulled back to look at me and stroked the tears from my cheeks. "These are treacherous times for you, I know, but you can guide yourself through them, you always have. But you must watch over the people. They will need you."
"But why? When? How will I know they need me?"
She smiled her soft smile, "You will know, for they will call to you. When the sky falls back and a good man's heart turns to stone."
Her words seemed cryptic and strange and I tried to figure them into the present but they didn't fit. What did it mean for the sky to fall back?
"Leave her Mythrella. You've always been too soft on her." Mythal spoke again, and the dream was thrust back into the past.
"Mother, she is only young, she is not ready."
"Then it is our job to make her ready. The people will look to a leader outside the Evanuris. She must be that leader."
The hall fell silent, Mythal had made her decree. I remembered that frustration, the anger and the fear. The fear crushed me, like a ball and chain it dragged behind me. How could I bring the world back together after so much terror and war?
Suddenly to my left I felt a swell of magic. It came from a tall golden mirror, it's glass now viscous and glittering like the sea.
"Enough. I have important business to attend. We will speak of this later." She arose from her seat, followed by her shadows and I was ushered out of the hall. Before we had the door shut behind us, I heard my grandmother let out a throaty laugh, and with her usual calm sarcasm said, "Well who am I to keep mighty Fen'harel waiting?" I gasped and turned back to look, the memory of excitement I felt being drowned out by my current curiosity. I barely caught a glimpse of the figure. He was tall, lean but silhouetted against the bright magic light of the mirror, it smothered any definable features. The heavy gilded doors shut behind us and with that the dream came to an end. I was floating back to consciousness through the ever warming sunlight coming through my window.
My eyes fluttered open to the morning. The sun peaked through the thin green curtains to the right of my bed and I stretched away the fogginess of sleep. The dream now didn't sit so heavily on me. They were clearer, less frightening things. Dare I say, they were almost nostalgic? That one had been anyway. I had never dreamed of my mother like that, never had she seemed so clear and real, not even in my childhood when I had first lost her. It was a comforting dream and I awoke with a better mood for it.
As had become a practice for me in the last three weeks I walked over to my small mirror and shut my right eye. My left one, though still scarred and blurred had gradually been getting better. It no longer felt like a grey sheet sat across my vision, but rather something more sheer. In any case I could see more clearly out of it, though I still found it difficult to pick out finer details, progress was progress. I washed my face and put on my clothes, wrapping my cloak tightly about my shoulders as I walked out into Skyhold. It seemed to be becoming a fortress to be reckoned with. I hadn't seen much action in the three weeks since we arrived, but I heard things from fellow agents and directly from the others who had been on journeys with the Inquisitor. They'd been to Crestwood, stopped a bunch of corpses from destroying a village and had met with Alistair the grey warden. They returned from that particular adventure a few days ago, Alistair and the infamous Ava Hawke in tow. I like Hawke. She was charming and funny and had the most beautiful blue eyes I'd ever seen. And her freckles, they danced along the bridge of her nose like stars and her hair! It was a shock of red, swept back off her face. She was beautiful. And no matter how much I wanted to fancy her, I couldn't. Every time I saw her vibrant blue eyes, they melted away to softer, wiser ones. I was in love with Solas and that was that.
I found myself walking through the courtyard. My original intention was to bother the cook for breakfast but I was stopped when I saw Trevelyan gathered with Cassandra, Sera and Solas at the gates, their horses packed and readied to depart. I leaned on the wall and watched as they readied to leave. Sera looked a little worse for wear, her outer coat pulled tightly around her, her hair mussed and her eyes dark. She must have overslept again. Cassandra and Trevelyan were discussing something quite intensely, from Trevelyan pulling out her map and pointing to it with animated gestures, I presumed it was over directions. My eyes then fell to Solas and I felt myself sigh. He looked like he was day dreaming, he stood gently stroking the nose of his horse but his eyes were focused on something ahead of him. Creators I had fallen hard. He was so handsome, tall and lean and stoic... His proud chin held high as he thought and his gentle hands stroking his horse, so softly that it looked as though it might fall asleep. Then, as if something told him I was staring, he shook himself from his daydream and turned to look exactly where I was standing. I froze and pretended to be looking at something else. He had done the same, for when I glanced back, his eyes were fixed to the ground as he lead his horse through the gates.
"Solas, can you wait a moment, please." I heard Trevelyan call in frustration, obviously they had not finished their argument over directions. It also meant that Solas had more or less ran from the sight of me. Great. I pushed myself away from the wall with a huff and tried to ignore the offended lump in my throat.
"If I catch you staring at him one more time then I'm going to vomit." Dorian's voice came from behind me and I begrudgingly smiled. He had that effect on me.
"I wasn't staring..." I lied.
Dorian simply scoffed, "Yes, and I wasn't born a Pavus. Nevalla, what has it been, three nearly four weeks since your conversation with him?"
I shrugged.
"And has he even acknowledged your existence since then? No he has not, not truly anyway. Please Nev, try to stop pining after a man who wants nothing to do with you. This crestfallen look you have doesn't suit you in the slightest." He said bluntly. I looked up at him sadly, then back down to the courtyard where the party was now leaving. I sighed heavily and ran a hand through my hair.
"Don't you think I would stop if I could?" I said, and even I had to admit how pathetic I sounded. I cringed inwardly.
"You just need a distraction." He said leaning against the wall to look me in the face. "You've been cooped up in this maker forsaken castle too long. You need something to do so I took the liberty of speaking with Leliana."
"Dorian, I'm fine-"
"No, listen, she has a mission for you. A good old cloak and dagger, I know how you love those." he said with a wink.
I smiled again and looked at him fondly, "I knew there was a reason I kept you around."
He chuckled, "The sentiment is mutual, dear Nev. Hopefully a night of life or death and danger will help you get over whatever warm fuzzy feelings you have towards our hermit friend."
"I think I need more than a night of more than that." I sighed.
"And what's that supposed to mean?" Dorian laughed, but he folded his arms.
I arched my brow as I thought what I meant was fairly obvious. "I mean," I began, trying to find the right words but instead chose the wrong ones, "I mean I need someone to fuck me until I'm senseless, alright? I just... Creators... It's been a while. A long while. Maybe that's where all this is coming from. Maybe if I just slept with someone else, these feeling would go away." I looked at him, longer than was proper and he took a step back, shock fixed firmly on his face.
"Before this conversation carries on any further-"
"I didn't mean-" I tried to speak but he continued.
"I just have to let you know that you are most definitely barking up the wrong tree."
"Dorian, I wouldn't ask you-"
He went on, "You are my friend, a dear friend at that and another thing Nev, you aren't exactly my type."
"Your type?" I said, offence clouding out the obvious at this stage.
He shrugged, "The exact opposite of my type."
I folded my arms and frowned, "Oh and what's that? Because I'm an elf? Do you only exclusively sleep with humans?"
"Men, Nevalla. I prefer the company of men."
My mouth shut firmly and I cringed at myself and my stupid Dalish Pride. "Yes, well that makes more sense." I said with a chuckle.
"If it makes you feel better, I do prefer the company of human men. I find elven men to be terribly scrawny."
I punched him jovially on the shoulder.
"A mere jest, Nev." he laughed. "Go on, Leliana's waiting to brief you, I should think." He made to walk off but turned back to me with a wry look on his face, "If you're looking for a quick release I'd go to Bull or one of his louts. I hear they're always willing." he winked and sauntered off leaving me to stew in my embarrassment. I shook off the moment and ignored the fact that I ever admitted aloud to my frustrations. Hopefully Dorian would remain tactful and not tell the whole of Skyhold that I was desperate for it. I made my way up through the rotunda to Leliana's desk. She was reading a letter, her eyes scrolling across the page and for the first time since I met her, she looked startled when I knocked on the wooden pillar beside me.
"Nevalla, I've been meaning to speak with you." she said, gently placing the page face down on the desk. I wondered what it was and she noticed. She always noticed. She delicately picked the page up and handed it to me. In small print, in two columns ran a list of names.
"A list of the names of those who died in Haven." She said, her voice soft and weary.
I read down the names, some familiar others not. But there was a lot more than I expected. I looked back to her and her eyes were glittering with tears.
"A reminder to be more vigilant." She whispered, taking back the page and setting it back on her desk.
"Leliana," I began, wary of the tears still welling in her eyes, "What happened at Haven was no ones fault."
"I pulled my scouts back. If they had remained in the field we would have had some warning of Corypheus' army." she said sharply.
"Or they would have all been killed. You did the right thing. They're lives should not necessarily be forfeit because it might have given us an extra ten minutes." I said, perching myself on the edge of her desk.
"The risk is part of the job, my agents know this. They would have lain down their lives for this. You know they would, I should have told them to remain."
"And what would you gain if they had stayed and died? Less guilt? You did what was right, you saved your agents. There was no way of stopping what happened at Haven." I rested my hand on hers and squeezed it, "None of the people on that list died because of you. It was Corypheus."
She met my eyes with a smile and blinked away the tears, "Then we shall avenge them."
I winked and smiled back, "There's the Leliana I know."
She chuckled and cleared her throat, and once again the cold hardened exterior was back.
"You wanted to see me about a cloak and dagger mission, I understand." I said standing back to lean against the pillar.
"It is a simple enough scouting mission," she began, pulling out a map from under the piles of paper on her desk. "You are to go to the Exalted Plains. The Inquisitor is headed there now to try stabilise the truce between The Empress and Duke Gaspard's armies. We've heard troubling reports from the region. You are to go beyond this however. There is an old elven fortress occupied by Celene's soldiers. Apparently there has been no word from them in weeks. It is a large stronghold and we must make sure the situation is under control in order for this truce to stick."
"So scout out the fortress and make sure everyone is alright? Can't say that's exactly cloak and dagger." I shrugged.
"It's all I have at this time. Dorian and I thought it might help to take your mind off..." I gave her a stern look. I knew Dorian wouldn't keep quiet about Solas, I knew it! She had the tact to cut off her sentence and continued, "Well, you seemed to be getting bored."
"I will check in on them post haste. Don't just see why you couldn't send a letter." I sighed, turning to head back down stairs.
"Well then, I'll have a raven sent if it's so beneath you."
"No! I'm going, I'm going!" I called and I heard her light laugh as I headed to prepare myself. This would be a simple task, and it would finally get me out of Skyhold.