Alas, I thought this was the last chapter, but I guess Gibbs and Ducky have important things to discuss, lol! Anyway, no real warnings, or spoilers. Just that it's AU, so while it's based off the episodes around Hiatus, it doesn't always follow canon. Gibbs went to Mexico, Tony took over the team, but he didn't go undercover on the Frog hunt. Not beta'd. Thank you for all of your reviews.
When Ducky had charged into the family
waiting room, talking half to himself and possibly half to Gibbs, he'd at first taken no notice of the lead agent's ire. Then he'd gotten a look at the man's face as he started spreading the papers out across the small coffee table.
"Jethro, what is it? Is it Anthony? I just now left his neurologist, what could have happened?"
"I stood in here for almost an hour thinking Tony was seriously sick while you went and had your obviously excellent chat with his doctor. McGee of all people had to explain to me what was going on with Tony after you went tearing out of here with Dr. Sanborn."
Ducky could read the fear and pain between the lines of anger on Gibbs' face, and drew in a calming breath as he sat down next to the man.
"I do apologize, Jethro. I get carried away, you see I so seldom get to deal with living patients, and there's so much that's new in the way of brain surgery and science, it's all very fascinating…"
He trailed off as he watched Gibbs let go an exhausted sigh and sink back into the stiff cushioned couch and close his eyes.
"I just needed to know that I wasn't going to lose him, Duck. That's all I needed. Simple words, like, 'Not malignant.' 'Not spreading all over his brain and body.' "
"I'm sorry, Jethro. Everything happened so quickly, and as his medical proxy, I truly did need to know every detail of his treatment. And it's not without risks. Brain surgery can have side effects such as stroke, or loss of some motor functions. But I have a great respect for this particular surgeon, he is the cream of the crop in this particular specialty. So is the anesthesiologist, with whom Bradley is working very closely."
"Did I do this to him, Duck? With my head slaps, and yelling and leaving him to fend for himself when he wasn't ready?"
Ducky almost chuckled, but knew it would not be appreciated at the moment.
"Jethro, while I have certainly not been impressed with your behavior towards Anthony of late, I think I'd be quite accurate when I tell you no, this didn't come about from a few too forceful smacks to the head. I'd posit that this started many months ago, perhaps even years ago, before your version of tough love met up with Anthony's hard head. This particular type of tumor is very slow growing, and it must have taken some time to get to the point that it affected him so. Many times these are found by accident, on an MRI while searching for something else. And while it's possible stress can be a factor in causing tumors, it's pretty unlikely in Anthony's case. As with so many illnesses, it could be a plethora of factors, or none at all. Often they just happen, for no apparent reason."
Gibbs opened his eyes and looked over at the man next to him. He could see some signs of stress and exhaustion in the elder man's face, some of which he knew he'd put there.
"I know you think I've outdone myself in the bastard department these past few weeks. And you're right, I have been. I left all wrong, I came back all wrong, and I've been leading my team all wrong."
There was silence for a while, until Ducky spoke up quietly.
"I hope that you're not waiting for me to jump in with a furious denial of those facts. While I did at first understand your need to take a few weeks of medical leave to regroup, I absolutely did not, do not, understand your methods of leaving and then coming back. Really, Jethro, were you that threatened by Anthony's gold star reviews by the Director that you felt the need to emasculate him? And encourage his teammates to do the same?"
" 'Wasn't that, Duck. Well, maybe some of it was, I didn't know my ass from my elbow the first time I came back. Called Ziva Cate. Couldn't remember passwords for my computer, got mad at McGee when he had to remind me, then got mad at DiNozzo for defending McGee. It was clusterfuck inside my head. I thought I was ready… wanted to be ready, to come back. So yeah, part of it was my ego. But the biggest part…" Gibbs dropped his head back onto the couch, staring at the ceiling as he spoke, mostly so that the M.E. couldn't see his watering eyes. "The biggest part was Cate."
"Caitlin?" Ducky exclaimed with surprise. "Jethro, it's been over a year! Surely you don't still blame yourself…"
"I think I'll blame myself til the day I die, Duck. But that's not the point. Point is, I started dreaming about her after my memories started coming back. I'd already gotten a handle on all the crap Tony had gone through. Then I remembered that day on the rooftop. How I felt. How DiNozzo almost lost it after we knew Ari was long gone. Blood and…brain on his face, in his hair…Duck, I can't really put my feelings about my relationship with Cate into words, it was too complex, too fluid. Sometimes she felt like a younger sister to me…sometimes I felt like maybe we might try and have some kind of relationship together, something permanent - and then I'd realize it wasn't fair to her to put her through that after…"
He sighed again and wearily ran his hands over his face.
"I realized I'd gotten too close to my team, Duck. And a team leader loses perspective when they do that. Those seconds in a firefight or any situation involving civilians…shouldn't be trying to decide who you're going to try to keep alive - your teammates or the civilians. It doesn't work. It's not supposed to work. We're here to do a job, it's not a family reunion."
"Yes, of course, I understand what a difficult conundrum that must be for a team leader such as yourself. An almost impossible equation, of nurturing your team members on an almost daily basis without getting too close to them."
"I was never great at math, Duck. When I brought Tony back from Baltimore, I had no problem not getting too close. He drove me crazy, but I needed his skill sets. And he was as skittish as a feral cat, didn't trust anybody with his heart, not even Abby, not after what Wendy did to him. We all did our jobs, went home afterwards, minded our own business. It worked pretty well for a while."
"Until it didn't."
"Yeahhh. Somewhere along the way the lines got blurred. We both needed something from each other that neither of us could admit we were missing. He was looking for a mentor he could actually trust not to screw him over for a change…guess that didn't work out for him, did it?"
"He was looking for more than that, and he found it in you, Jethro. And you found it in him. Nothing was ever said between the two of you, but the rest of us saw it. He stopped being so skittish, you stopped being such a wounded bear…you were able to do your jobs efficiently and still maintain a familial bond. What happened, Jethro? What made you turn on him?"
"I told ya, Ducky, Caitlin Todd happened!" he shouted, springing up from the couch and startling the older man. "I couldn't stop Ari, and I lost another one of my family. I'm not going there again, Ducky, when I came back I told myself the only way that I could come back was to keep my distance, no more of this family stuff!"
"And yet you continue to treat Ms. David and Timothy as if they were more than just your subordinates."
"They both needed some stability on the team. Ziva had just lost her brother, was miles away from home, and McGee is one of the greenest probies I've ever worked with."
"So by letting them tear down Anthony, with you joining them, you hoped to build them up?"
"I don't know what I hoped, Ducky. I thought it was all harmless teasing, DiNozzo can dish out the putdowns like nobody's business. I thought that's how it had always been, and half the time I wasn't even paying attention to what they were saying."
"Yes, Anthony certainly does have a way of getting a rise out of others. But I've yet to hear him actually be cruel. The other two - they've turned torment into an art form. You would have been proud of him while you were gone, Jethro. He held your team together despite the odds."
"It's what I trained him up to do " Gibbs declared, as if handing over his team to an agent who was still too young and inexperienced to be leading one was no big deal.
"Yes, Jethro, but he's still young, comparatively, and he's only been at the agency just over three years. That's not really enough time or experience to lead an MCRT, especially not one as volatile as yours. Earning his detective's shield in record time is not the same as becoming a team lead here. It's apples and oranges."
"Ahh, Ducky…whataya want me to say? I made poor decisions at a bad time in my life. I'm trying to get back on track."
"And you call attempting to cut Anthony out of your life by making him quit getting back on track? Not only is it a cruelty towards him, you won't succeed at it. Like it or not, he's been woven into the very fabric of your being. He doesn't understand, Jethro. And he himself is still reeling from Caitlin's passing. Stop hurting him in a futile attempt to keep yourself from being hurt. You need to speak with him before his surgery. As I said, the neurologist is extremely competent in this field, but there are risks in any surgery. I'll arrange for you to go in and stay with him until visiting hours are over. They will be strict about us leaving then. Make your peace with him. He needs you now more than ever."
"Just what the hell am I supposed to say to him after all that's happened? He was pretty pissed at me before he passed out at the stairs."
"That, my friend, is your burden. I have my own culpability regarding my treatment of Anthony these past many weeks. I haven't been what anyone would consider supportive of the boy, and I'm hoping that I will be able to make amends with him. I missed his sunny nature in the gloom of Autopsy. I drove him away with my incessant harping on a subject that he could do nothing about. The boy can only absorb just so much negativity before it's necessary for him to go to ground. And, I, of all people, should have heeded the signs. I attributed his pallor and squinting of his eyes to stress and fatigue. I could not have been more wrong, and I have no hesitancy to beg his forgiveness."
Standing with renewed purpose, the M.E. took his hat and coat in hand, and leaned down to gently squeeze his friend's shoulder.
"He adores you, Jethro, though perhaps at the moment, that adoration is misplaced. Make things right with him, and be his hero, again. Of all of us, even Abigail, you are the one he'll need to see in the recovery room, and the one he'll need to help him work through the pain and side effects of this miserable malady. I'll let the nurses know that you're planning to go sir with him. And I'll check back in with you in a while with more details of when his surgery will take place so that you can inform the others. Come along, let's see to our young man."
Gibbs found a slight smile for the older man, and stood up with a long, stiff stretch, wordlessly following his friend and colleague.