This story is AU partially because as far as I know, it's not canon, lol, but mostly because the show writers have never been able to write Gibbs as a man for self-examination, much less self-recrimination, unless it benefited HIM in some way. Other than a very few times, he was incapable of admitting errors in judgement, especially in his treatment of Tony, which I found really distasteful, to put it mildly, especially for being a team lead of anything, much less an MCRT. Instead of making him look strong and macho, it made him look selfish and childish. I desperately want Gibbs to be a better person for his experiences with Tony and the rest of the team, and for Tony to not be so broken after seemingly finding a family at the agency. Instead, they only both got worse as the years went by, sob…
Not beta'd. And again, I'm fudging on the medical stuff. I didn't even bother getting my Google medical license, lol.
One more chapter after this for an epilogue.
Tony dozed fitfully for quite a while after Gibbs left, in spite of the increased dose of sedative his nurse had given him. He was pretty nervous about his impending surgery - hell, he was downright terrified, if he'd admit it to anyone, which he wouldn't. Right now he could have really used that gruff comfort of his boss, the kind that had been provided to him during the worst of his plague days, when he was well and truly miserable and unable to hide it no matter how much it hurt his pride. He'd had no energy left for pride after days of nearly drowning in his own bodily fluids.
That was a different time - before things went to hell in a handbasket, and with them, Gibbs' softer side. Although Tony swore to everyone that would listen that the man didn't have one, he knew better, even before Gibbs spent hours at his bedside in Bethesda hospital, steering his broken down SFA to through the worst of the horribleness of that stupid, stupid envelope mistake. He could blame himself for that lapse in judgement, but this situation was beyond even his control. He knew something was wrong, had stopped being able to blame it on stress and lack of a decent night's sleep. He felt Gibbs' veiled blame towards him for not telling him he was less than one hundred percent, and anger coursed through him for it. He'd not held back telling Gibbs that he'd been even less of a sympathetic soul than usual, that voicing his health concerns to the constantly fuming man was the last thing that he would do. He'd vowed he'd pass out in front of all of them first, which he had.
That his boss had taken the time, and discomfort to talk about his poor behavior had come as a bit of a shock to Tony, and though welcome and somewhat comforting, it felt like a bit too little, too late. So the man had still been grieving Cate before the explosion sent him haring off to Mexico. So? All of them had. So he'd decided he needed an emotional barrier from a team that had become too close to him - well isn't that just too dramatic, it was a shame he hadn't bothered getting the message across to McGee and David the same bass-ackwards way he had with his Senior Field Agent. All it took for Gibbs to get a clue that he was acting like an ass was for Tony to end up in the hospital waiting for another hole in his head. And Tony was astute enough to understand that regardless of Gibbs' sudden epiphany, things weren't going to just go back to the old days of their team.
For one thing, Cate was never coming back. For another, undoing the damage done these past many weeks may not even be possible. But Tony knew it would be weeks, perhaps months, before he could even attempt to requalify for his special agent position, and that would give them all time to get a different perspective on the team dynamics. It would also give them all time to get used to a new TAD agent, one that perhaps gelled better with their personalities.
Shit, I need to stop thinking about all of this. Who knows if I'm even going to make it through this, or be able to function well enough to not be on disability the rest of my life?
That thought sent shards of ice through his system, and ticked up his blood pressure monitor.
"Easy." he heard the normally gruff voice beside him gently coaxing him to calm down. Gibbs had come back, smelling of coffee and rain. He smoothed Tony's arm, the work-roughened skin feeling comforting to the vulnerable agent instead of abrasive.
Seeing the moistness beginning to leak out of the corners of his agent's eyes, something he'd rarely seen in the three plus years he'd known him, Gibbs squeezed the arm under his hand.
"Hey." he admonished quietly, but firmly as he leaned over the bed to make sure their eyes met. "I know you're scared. That's okay, I would be, too. But I know you, DiNozzo. I've seen you stare down dirt bags with sawed-off shot guns, Marines on meth, hell, I still wake up in a cold sweat from the time you went toe to toe with Sec Nav over that Admiral's wife-beating son. I don't have to mention taking on the plague with everything you had, and winning."
He squeezed Tony's arm again, wanting the younger man to feel a physical connection.
"You carried the ball for me when I couldn't get my shit together. And you kept carrying it for me, even when I was giving you every reason to drop it and go play for another team. You deserved a lot better than what you got from me. From all of us, and yet you kept your cool and did your job, and part of mine. You've got this, Tony. Brad's put together the best of the best surgical team for you, and Ducky's been right on their asses every minute to make sure everyone knows every last detail of your medical history. I've always expected more from you than any other agent I've ever worked with, because I know you can give it, no matter what obstacles get tossed in your way. This is just one more obstacle, Anthony. And tomorrow, after the surgery, you'll wake up and run another obstacle course, and give everybody the finger the whole way through it.
"I know we've made you feel alone, Tony, like nobody has your six. I can't speak for McGee and Ziva, but you'll have Ducky and me this time playing the offensive line when you're running the ball."
Tony blinked at the tears, undone by the emotional toll the past months, and now his medical condition, had taken on his defenses. He had nothing left to fall back on but Gibbs' assurances, and before today, he wouldn't have trusted those assurances to get him through a chick flick without crying. But the way Gibbs was looking at him, with such a different visage from the distant, angry look directed at him for the past few weeks, spoke of a shift in the space between them. The face he saw now showed a mix of open concern, regret, and something that had long been missing from the older agent's eyes - warm affection. Too tired and groggy to try to reconcile the past with the present, he let intuition guide him and called on what he knew to be his own truth.
He closed his eyes and spoke quietly and deliberately, gathering his thoughts as he went.
"I was ready to quit the team even before you came back. But it was too much like following in your footsteps, and those were shoes of yours that I didn't want to fill. I know you had your reasons, and I respect what you were dealing with, even after you came back. I had a few weeks after Wendy dumped me where I wasn't exactly behaving with the decorum of a federal agent. And god only knows if they'll ever let me back into law enforcement in any agency after this - "
"Don't be borrowing trouble, Tony " Gibbs interrupted, anxious to quell the young man's fears.
"Not borrowing trouble, Boss. Just being realistic. I know people don't believe that I can actually not turn everything in life into a joke, but I spend a hell of a lot of time seeing the bigger picture and learning to work inside of it. Brad took the time to explain all of the risks involved in this crap fest. And he was very firm that if there were side effects, they would most likely be temporary, with therapy. I'm counting on his straight dealing as a friend that he's right."
He took a shaky breath and wiped at the wetness on his face.
"But no matter what happens, I want you to know that what you and I had before Pin Pin Pula came along has meant the world to me. You were the first person since RIMA that saw the potential in me and made the effort to bring it out. I had no real direction or goals for what I wanted to accomplish. Had no idea I had the brains or drive to become a senior field agent on a premier major crimes team until you showed me I did."
Gibbs lightly tapped the side of Tony's forehead.
"It was always there."
He moved his finger down to Tony's heart
"And there. Somebody just needed to care enough to make you work for it. I care about you, Anthony. I know I don't always act like it, especially lately…but when I saw you collapse in a heap by the stairs, saw you looking white as a sheet, my heart stopped, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Caring about you like I do is what made me start acting like a fool. Thought I could just - shut it off, make it go away. Couldn't shut off what I felt about Cate in time to stop from getting hurt. Couldn't stand to go through that again. Especially after going back in time fifteen years and…"
He had to turn away and compose himself. Now wasn't the time to revisit that particular heartbreak. Tony wasn't immune to his friend's pain, having suffered his own tragic losses at too early an age.
"It's okay, Boss. I get it. Let's say we just sort through the rubble after tomorrow and pick out what's worth saving and toss what isn't in the dumpster. I think it's still a good foundation. We can rebuild on that. Not sure about McGee and David, though. That's still pretty shaky ground for me."
"I understand, Tony. I'll talk to them privately and let them know there's going to be some changes ahead, for all of us. They'll either get on board, or get written up. And I won't hesitate telling them that I was at fault in letting things get out of hand. After that, if things are still not right, we'll see what needs to be done to get us there."
He leaned down and gently patted Tony's cheek, a gesture the younger agent thought had been long forgotten by his occasionally demonstrative boss.
"Get some sleep, kid. I'll stay here with you for the night. If I have to leave, Ducky will be around. He took a few day's leave time to help you through this."
"I haven't seen Abby. Is she mad at me for not telling her about this?"
"She's scared out of her gourd for ya, Tony. But she had to finish up some tests for a couple of teams, she couldn't leave in the middle of it all. McGee and Ziva are wrapping up the two cases we were working on. Balboa's team is covering for us on any new cases, we're all off rotation for a while after today."
Gibbs parked himself back in the weirdly comfortable bedside chair and scooted it around so it was facing Tony's bed.
"Sleep, DiNozzo. That's an order. Tomorrow's a big day. You behave and I'll bring you pizza and take-out as soon as they let you have it."
There was no reply to that, as Tony had finally settled into a more peaceful sleep than he'd had in a while. Gibbs closed his own eyes and tried not to think of the hours and days ahead. He'd just lectured Tony about borrowing trouble. Instead, he used the quiet time to do some unraveling of his thoughts, and what he needed to do to start fixing Team Gibbs.
Morning came too soon for both of them, and Gibbs did his best to not only keep up a strong front in front of Tony, but reign in a highly agitated Abby. He knew it was going to be a challenging day, and he'd finally had to discreetly pull her aside and bruskly tell her to calm down if she wanted to see Tony before he was wheeled into pre-op. She'd deflated into his arms, apologizing and crying, until Ducky came upon them and deftly distracted her with a list of tasks and errands that she could do while Anthony was in surgery. She gathered herself up and set about making a list of games, DVDs, and large print word search and crossword books that Tony could utilize once he was well enough to sit up and read. Until then, she could bring him a CD player, with his favorite music to listen to to soothe him.
"Thanks, Ducky." Gibbs sighed with relief at not having to deal with an Abby meltdown. He was having his own issues keeping it together, and to complicate things, McGee and Ziva both wanted to see DiNozzo before his surgery. He didn't blame them; they still considered Tony a friend, in spite of having double-teamed against him the entire time Gibbs was gone, and then seemed to be having a competition with each other after their "real" boss had come back to them and essentially egged them on.
He knew that in their minds, they had just been giving back to Tony what he had dished out to them, which was only partly true. Gibbs was beginning to understand some of the guff and insubordination DiNozzo had taken from them as team lead, which, according to Rick Balboa, had crossed the line several times. Where Director Shepard had been through all this, Gibbs had no clue. She was usually minding his team's business much more than was needed by any agency standards. He was going to have a talk with her when things calmed down. In the meantime, he had to make sure that Tony even wanted to see his two teammates before a major procedure, and he had every right to turn them down. Somehow Gibbs knew that Tony wouldn't say no to seeing them, if only to guilt-trip both of them to their dying days.
In the end, Tiny saw all of them for a few minutes, trying to be upbeat with Abby, whom he knew had been crying constantly, warning his teammates that they were going to have a "dias irae" once he was back in his feet again, to which Ducky had to translate for them. They both looked guilt-stricken, which had secretly pleased Tony to no end. He wasn't going to let them forget their past sins against him, even if they still chose to believe it was all tit for tat harassment. Some of it had been. The rest had been serious enough for Tony to keep a record of in the event he decided to blow the whistle on them. Gibbs had been included in the lists of transgressions.
For now, though, he just wanted it over with. The suspense of the procedure was making his head hurt even through the good drugs they'd given him, and it was difficult to watch his friends pretend that they weren't scared and anxious for him. Ducky's staunch assurances of success bolstered him, Abby's half-hug melted him, and Gibbs' firm squeeze of his hand and gentle kiss of benediction on his forehead all but did him in. They wheeled him off after that, and left the five of them to sit in the family waiting room with quiet, grim determination for however long the surgery took.
Endless coffees, teas, and vending machine snacks came and went; it was hours before even a nurse came out to tell them that the surgery was going well, and a doctor would be along in a while to give them a better update.
Gibbs paced and growled after that, and eventually stopped drinking coffee, a sure sign he'd been pushed past the edge. But Dr. Pitt was on his game, and made sure he found the time in his rounds to check with the surgical team nurse on Tony's progress so he could relay it to the young man's friends. He'd become aware of the rifts that had formed between them during Gibbs' absence and subsequent unexpected reinstatement, as Ducky had wisely taken the time to give him an abbreviated version of what had transpired. But he'd also seen them, in person, looking lost and confused, with Gibbs especially vibrating worry and concern; he knew that whatever had been happening before, Tony's medical emergency had shifted the dynamics again. He strode into the private waiting room, not giving them a chance to descend on him before he raised his voice and held up his hands to quiet them.
"I just checked in on Tony's team, they're almost done. Everything went according to plan, they're just closing things up and getting ready to stitch him back together. His lungs did fine, they had to adjust a few things along the way, but he didn't have any crises with his breathing. He'll be in post op recovery for at least another two or three hours, if you want to go home and rest for a while or get something to eat."
"I think I will go check on mother." Ducky spoke up first. "Her aide is quite competent, but I'm sure she can use a break by now. Can I drop one of you off in my way?"
"Ziva and Abby and I are heading back to the hotel for a while," McGee informed him. "We decided to rent a room together so that we didn't have to keep going back and forth if we needed something."
"That was a good idea, McGee."
"Uh…you wanna come with us, Boss? There's two double beds if…"
"Thanks, McGee, I'm good. Bring me back something to eat with some decent coffee when you head back here. I'm gonna see if I can find a couch somewhere to catch a few till then."
Brad smiled at the man. He could see that Gibbs was clearly exhausted, yet willing to sack out on uncomfortable hospital furniture so as not to be separated from his friend.
"I'll see you all when you get back. Jethro, follow me, I think there's a place you can park yourself for a while."
They shuffled out wearily, though Abby did give Gibbs an enthusiastic happy hug at the good news of the successful procedure. Brad led Gibbs down a couple of hallways and into a doctor's lounge, pointing out a small futon type bed and tossing him a clean sheet to lie on.
"That's to put under you. There's probably ten different doctors that use that couch in one shift. You'll want the clean sheet, believe me."
Gibbs huffed out a tired sigh as he laid himself down and almost immediately fell asleep, but not before demanding that Brad wake him the minute that he was allowed in to see Tony. Brad knew better than to argue with the man. He remembered all too well Gibbs' fierce protective attitude of the ailing agent, and how after he'd arrested Hannah Lowell, he'd been at Tony's side through the worst of it.
He could never forget Gibbs' face when they thought the young man might actually succumb to the pneumonia, no matter how hard they fought for him to live, the look of stark terror that the older agent was too exhausted to even attempt to hide it. He didn't know exactly what had happened between the two stubborn men that could have loosened that tight bond; Ducky, for once, had chosen not to elaborate, simply stating instead that these had been "very tumultuous months for the team due to events that forced Anthony into something he did not want to do and for which he was ill-equipped."
After watching Tony beat down the plague, Brad had come to believe that there was much that Tony couldn't do should he put his mind to it. He hoped that after Tony's recovery, the younger man would spill about those "tumultuous months", and perhaps Brad could be a neutral sounding board for helping his former patient get past whatever this latest drama had been.
For now, all he could do was keep Tony's surrogate family informed and provide his medical expertise to make sure his miracle plague survivor not only survived his current crises, but would be able to be back at Jethro Gibbs' side as his SFA, if that was what he wanted in the end. Only time and patience would tell him.