Not beta'd

Gibbs kept his promise about blocking visitors from seeing Tony until the younger man felt strong enough to deal with them. Ducky had taken some time over a relaxed dinner to explain that there would be not just physical ramifications from Tony's surgery, but emotional ones as well.

For one thing, the poor lad had nearly passed out in front of an audience, and laid there semi-conscious while nearly the entire floor had gathered round to spectate, until Director Shepard had gotten wind of the drama and sent most everyone scurrying. His teammates had seen him down, seen him in one of his weakest moments, something Tony had always tried like hell to prevent.

For another, the entire process of feeling ill enough to go see a doctor, then finding out about his shocking diagnosis, had taken its toll even before his "fall from grace" at the bottom of the stairs. Suddenly facing a life-threatening medical diagnosis was an extremely emotionally jarring event. Gibbs thinking Tony had had a hangover and yelling at him for it hadn't helped one bit.

But feeling he'd had no one he felt he could confide in regarding his medical crises must have been the worst of all things. Before Caitlyn had passed from their lives, before Gibbs had left for Mexico, the team, and by extension Abby and Ducky, had been Tony's only support network. One by one, they'd violently or overtly left him to fend for himself. And the older M.E. had admitted with shame that Tony had visited him in the morgue more than once looking like he belonged on one of the slabs, and Ducky had been too absorbed in his work, or just plain moody, and Tony had left him to his thoughts, heading out with a clipped apology. Eventually, he'd started sending McGee or Ziva for any information he wanted retrieved from the M.E.

"I'm ashamed to say, Jethro, that I let my feelings about your leaving cloud my judgement with poor Antony. As if he had somehow not been able to talk you into staying - surely Antony of all people could make you see reason. Instead, he got serious and took up your mantle, which everyone resented, including myself."

"I chose him personally to lead in my absence, Ducky. I didn't expect it to happen so soon, but it was always my intention to hand over my team to him, whoever was on it at the time."

"Yes, of course it was. And he tried every which way he could to make it a smooth transition. Unfortunately, no matter which way he chose, it rubbed one or all of us the wrong way. I was very unfair to him. And this is partially the result of that. Had I put away my pride and anger for just one hour, I would have seen that something was terribly wrong and assisted him instead of leaving him to his misery. I'm not at all proud of myself at the moment."

"Neither am I, Duck. I've got plenty of groveling to do with him. Problem is, he doesn't want to come back the way things are now. We all let him down, even Abby. And though he understands their loyalty to me, he can't figure out their outright dismissal of him. He says he's seeing a therapist, which I know will help him in the long run, but if none of us can get our heads out of our asses long enough to make this a real team again, then it's not going to bring him back. He won't tolerate it. Even DiNozzo's got his limits."

"He's got several weeks of physiotherapy and strength training. Some of his reflexes will be slower and even his speech may falter when he's overtired. You and your team will learn just what it's like to be without the man we've all taken for granted for too long. No doubt I'll feel the effects vicariously through all of you being annoyed and short-tempered. It may be enough punishment to shake up the others enough to realize Antony is not quite as annoying as they believed."

"He's not going to be the same "Antony", Ducky. This changed him. Cait's murder changed him. My abandoning him changed him. He's not gonna have the same easy-going attitude he used to bring to the bullpen. And they're not going to like it, probably not even Abby. They'll go after him for having changed, no matter what I tell them not to do."

"Jethro, regardless of what happened between you and Antony, and Antony and the rest of the team, this illness and the procedure he just went through will probably change him anyway. Trauma to the brain of any sort can cause personality and emotional changes. That needs to be fully explained to them by a medical professional, perhaps Bradley would be inclined. No matter how they felt about him before this - they will need to adjust, or Antony will most surely find another team, or an entirely new agency."

"I'll talk to Brad next time I see him. I'm sure it'll help. But I doubt it'll make everything come back together again. Ahh, Duck." Gibbs sighed loudly, rubbing his face with both hands. "I don't wanna lose him. But maybe it's not about what I want, or even what Tony thinks he wants. It should be about what's best for him, not the team. He doesn't owe this team or me squat, he's paid his dues a hundred times over. I'm not gonna push him one way or the other.

"It's about time that I acted like his friend and not some crazy boss using stupid excuses to act like an ass. I never meant to get this attached to him, swore to God I wouldn't. Could hardly stand him when he first started, but I needed what Abby called his crazy skills. Before I knew it I was feeling like I'd brought him home from the hospital nursery myself. And if you tell him that I'll deny it with my last breath."

Ducky smiled indulgently, knowing all too well how infrequently his taciturn friend made such deeply heartfelt comments.

"Jethro, you know very well that I would never presume to share your secrets. But he already knows. He's known it for some time, really. He's seen it in your eyes, in your actions towards him, in your reactions when he's been in danger or threatened, physically or emotionally. It's why your attempted retirement cut him so deeply. We both know that his childhood and teen years were less than ideal.

"And I dare say, I think you were a shock to Antony's system, despite his continuing claims that he's experienced harsh supervisors like you before. I seriously doubt that he had any intention of getting close to you. What started out as a desire to improve his lot and find someone who finally appreciated his innate talents became an unconscious need to please a father figure. That became a complication in his life that both frightened and irked the boy. Fight it as he may, the feelings are what they are. That part of him emerged without his permission, and as much as he cared for you now, it's a chink in his rather pieced together armor that he resents."

Gibbs looked thoughtfully at his older friend, trying to digest all of this information.

"Psychological study, Duck, or words out of his mouth?"

"Both, actually. I know his history, being his personal physician. And before Caitlyn left us, he usually didn't hesitate to come talk to me about things that truly weighed on his mind…a priest in a confessional, if you will, where he knew I would never divulge his personal anxieties. Try as he may to be the simpleton, Antony is one of the most complex people I've ever met. He never fails to surprise me.

"And if he does choose to go elsewhere after his medical leave is done, then understand that it's not because he doesn't love you, although there are times he doesn't like you all that much. It will be because he's found that next mountain that he needs to climb. Anthony is a challenge-based personality, as you well know. He's not fond of inertia. And I'm guessing that he feels a bit stuck with his work situation at the moment. Let him work it out, Jethro. Whether or not he walks away from your team, he won't walk away from you. He's bound to you in a way that defies even his understanding of family. "

"I already said I wasn't going to push him, Duck. This has to be his decision, with different boundaries if he does decide to come back. He's smart enough to know that none of us, including him, are going to have a complete personality makeover. He just needs to know I'll have his six better than I have lately. That includes clamping down on the blatant insubordination from McGee and David."

"That's all he'll ask for from you, Jethro. He knows he's not set the best example of how a senior field agent behaves and what he expects from those under his authority. He's still a probie himself in the realm of junior bosses. Until he came to this agency, he'd not had to supervise anyone - he was always the one being supervised. Personally, I think he did an exemplary job after being thrust into the team lead role so unexpectedly, especially as the rest of his team were rooting for him to fail. As I've already said, I wasn't exactly a beacon of hope for the poor boy. And I intend to grovel along with you."

"We're here for him now, Duck. I'll have a little talk with McGee and Officer David about what I expect from them, and myself, if Tony comes back to the team. Even if he doesn't, I can't have them thumbing their noses at the next SFA. That'll get them written up so fast their heads will spin off. As it is, I intend to make notes in their files about their behavior. And before you say it, I had my part in it the past few weeks. But this started long before I came back. I'm figuring the minute I walked out of the bullpen they were on him like white on rice. I just amplified it by thinking that's how they all rolled. Won't make that mistake again."

"I'm glad to hear that, Jethro. Come, let's go check on our young patient, see if he's up to eating something other than hospital gruel. I'll check with his nurses and see what his options are "

"Good idea, Duck. And…thanks for your support. I appreciate that you aren't jumping in my shit for the way I handled this goatrope situation. It's still not always clear in my head of what happened before my coma, and I get frustrated."

Ducky leaned over and squeezed his friend's arm.

"We all had a part in this unfortunate mess, including Antony. The most important thing now is to let him know that he has the ability to not only lead, but lead well. He's just never been given enough positive reinforcement of his skills and natural ability to make those under his command want to excel, which he has in abundance. Unfortunately, it's hidden beneath a guise of cheap humor and wheedling, a defense mechanism from his childhood, no doubt. We have our work cut out for us, Jethro. And it begins now."