Chapter 41

Willow walks the courtyard of the hospital that houses and treats wounded veterans from the war with slow strides. She looks around to see so many men and women dragging their feet from one stop to the next, mindlessly shifting from where they are needed next without a single thought of their own. It's clear many of them are shells; hollow husks of their former selves as any memories of what they used to be are clouded with the deafening sounds of artillery exploding around them.

She's here to visit Henri and Felix, who've written to her to visit them in the hospital. She searches for them in the courtyard where they agreed to meet with one another, and she can't seem to find them. She hugs her arms tightly to her chest, shifting her head side to side in an attempt to locate the two men.

Her eyes slide over a soldier sitting on a bench at the end of the courtyard whose eyes are locked on her. Her eyes land on his as he watches her behind long brown strands of hair. His face is bandaged so she can't get a good look at his features, but she can see that he's lost a leg and presumably an eye, and sits on the bench with a crutch in his hand.

His eyes are unwavering from hers as he watches her while she squints her eyes at him to get a better look at him. She doesn't recognize him, and she's been good about meeting all the soldiers she fought alongside in her four years of service, despite there being hundreds of them.

She figures he must be a soldier that joined their regiment in the Battle of Fort Slava, and he must recognize her as the Female Titan. Still, he doesn't look at her with excitement or intrigue in his eyes as most do when they see her outside of her Titan form. Instead, he looks at her with a harsh gaze that paints an almost hatred for her. And a shivering feeling of familiarity crawls up her spine when she turns away from him.

"Well, aren't you a sight for sore eye," she turns around at Felix's lame attempt at a joke and presses a smile to her lips when her eyes land on the red-haired man.

"Looks like the worst thing that came out of your return is your one-eyed jokes," Willow jabs with a wide smile on her face as she embraces the man in a tight hug.

"I have to compensate somehow," he grunts as he squeezes her tightly.

He releases her and she turns her attention to Henri as she gives him a tight one-armed hug with a smile on her face. "How have you two been doing?"

"Better, now that we've been back for a few weeks," Felix informs her as her eyes land on the tight gaze of Henri.

"They don't let us stay much here anymore," Henri states with a slight sneer in his tone. "Only wanna focus on the ones scrambled up top," he says pointing at his head.

"Well, I can't blame them for wanting to kick you troublemakers to the curb," she smiles and the two of them laugh with her. "How's Elias? I haven't heard from him since we returned."

Both men's faces drop and Willow's jaw involuntarily tenses at the sight of them. Her head shakes so slightly, that they practically miss it. Willow has seen that look before, having seen it too many times in her life to count.

Felix is the first to speak, his voice shaking as he says, "His father passed away while he was gone. No one notifies the families if they're Eldian. When he came back…" Felix shakes his head, eyes heavy as they fall to the ground. "I guess he couldn't handle the news," he shrugs, saying enough.

"He was a fucking coward," Henri adds and Willow is taken aback by his words, hearing them before from another blonde a lifetime ago. She swallows hard as the same crippling pain crushes her chest as it did all those years ago.

"Henri!" Felix hisses at the man for his tone and harsh words.

"What?" he snaps back at the redhead. "You're thinking it too. He comes back without a scratch on him, and that ungrateful bastard throws himself off his roof the first night he's back," he says shifting his arm in its sling. "I had to relearn how to dress myself, and your girl can't even look at you the same. He was a fucking coward," he reaffirms.

Willow doesn't realize that her eyes have been widened this whole time, and she must look frightening. She inhales, blinking and bringing her expressions down to an unreadable one. She just figured that after all this time, maybe she was finally past that carnage that surrounds her. How stupid she is for thinking so.

Now, here she is, looking on the horizon of another battle to Paradis where another group of soldiers get to die around her while she piles on the bodies. How far up can she get before she reaches the sky?

"Is there anyone in his family left?" Willow asks, thinking about a way that she can compensate them somehow.

"No, Ma'am," Felix tells her. "He was an only child, no uncles or aunts, and his mother died when he was young. No girl either that we were told."

Willow exhales, keeping the tears from breaching her lashes; she's honestly shocked she can still cry in these instances, having become so accustomed to them.

She nods once at the two boys. "You two have a lot to live for. Don't compare your lives with anyone else's," she says sternly looking at Henri who needs to hear it more than Felix. "How are you two doing with your medical expenses?"

"It's been tough finding a job that will hire an Eldian, let alone a broken one," Henri grunts as Felix simply nods to affirm his struggles.

"Consider them paid," she says bluntly, "I will handle them."

"No, Ma'am," Felix begins with widening eyes, "We can't ask that of you."

"You didn't, I offered," she returns with a flat tone. "The Marleyans need me to fight soon. The money is of no use to me here."

"Fight soon?" Henri questions, "But the war is over?" he glances at Felix to see if he's heard differently.

"War is never over, there will always be a monster to fight against," she tells them as their faces drop at her words. She thinks about Zeke's words and how they plan to go back to Paradis and continue the cycle they've entrapped themselves in. "But the war is over for you two. I will make sure neither of you will have to fight. Nor will you have to worry about your medical expenses."

"Ma'am, you're speaking as if you don't plan on returning…" Felix lingers and Willow's eyes focus on his worried gaze. "I see," he understands. "We owe our lives to you, Ma'am; and soon, you will save more men. We'll make sure your actions are not in vain."

She smiles sadly at the two, and they are unable to return the grin, as the realization strikes them. They step towards her and the three of them embrace in an awkward hug. She thinks about all the soldiers she's been around, and the fear and uneasiness before each battle, with the only solace in her being that if she can save anyone, it's these two who've fought bravely for their country.

They release themselves from their hug and the two of them leave her in the courtyard to return to their families. She watches as they leave, shoulders slugged down with hopelessness and she frowns.

Her eyes move back to the bandaged man at the bench who watches her, eyes focused on her while he speaks with a small blonde boy. Her eyes widen when she notices the boy is Falco. Her mouth dries and she tries to swallow down the lump in her throat as she begins approaching the two of them.

Her hands shake as the idea penetrates her head, but she quickly shoves it into the deepest pits of her core.

Before she reaches the two of them, the bandaged man hands something to Falco, and he springs up from his seat to begin running off. She watches as the man's unbandaged eye moves to study her carefully. She stares at him for a moment, as if communicating with him without any words. She shakes her head faintly at him.

That's not him.

She turns away from him, heading towards where Falco ran off to. She follows him out of the Internment Zone, and she wonders what business he would have out here. She approaches the small boy as he opens the red metal mail dispenser. "Miss Willow!" he calls out happily.

"Falco," she smiles at him. "What are you up to?"

"Nothing, Ma'am. You?"

"What was that letter?" she asks him.

"Oh, that was nothing," he smiles at her as he walks past her.

"I saw you take that letter from that soldier back at the hospital," Willow presses, not allowing the boy to skirt around the truth. "Why didn't you drop that letter off in the Internment Zone?"

"Well," he says wringing his hands nervously. "I was delivering a letter for my friend," he tells her truthfully.

"Outside of the Internment Zone," she presses.

"The doctors say there is nothing wrong with him, and if there's nothing wrong with him, they might make him fight, despite the state he's in. So, if he sent the letter in the Internment Zone, it would have been intercepted and read."

"The man back at the hospital?" she asks him with a dry mouth.

"Yes," he looks up at her. "Mr. Kruger."

She swallows hard, "Did you fight with Mr. Kruger?" she asks him, looking down at him with her fists tightening at her sides.

"No," he says and his response just rises her body temperature. "But I met him when we returned. He's really nice," he tells her and she simply nods at him, shaking the idea out of her head.

He's not here.

"What did the letter say?" she asks him, looking down the bridge of her nose at him.

"I didn't read it," he says to her, confused as to why she would assume he did. "But he told me that it was a letter to his friends. He wanted to let them know where he was, that he was okay, and hopefully they could join him soon."

Her heart beats in her throat as she staggers away from him. She turns away from him and begins running as fast as she can from Falco and back to the Internment Zone.

No, no, no, no! Fuck!

Her eyes instinctively lift to the sky, expecting to see them flying in the air, zipping past her with the unforgettable sound of their metal wires scraping against their ODM gear. Her heart races as she expects to see Eren's Titan looming over her, grabbing for her as she frantically runs to go tell the rest. She allowed herself to live in this delusional dream for too long, that she forgot the reality in which she was truly trapped in.

She reaches Reiner's office, and without even a knock on his door, she flings the door open, frantic and sweaty as labored breaths shallowly escape her lips. However, before she can even think to tell him anything, her eyes land on the most horrific sight.

"What are you doing?" she shrieks loudly, heart sinking in the pit of her stomach as her brows tangle together. Her legs give in and she falls to her knees at the sight of him.

He chokes as he pulls the barrel of the rifle out of his mouth, a string of saliva falling to his chin as he places the gun down on the floor next to him. "Willow," he rasps with shock as she begins sobbing at his feet.

He quickly falls to his knees, crawling to her as he wraps his arms around her while she shields her face from him, sobbing in the palms of her hands.

"Reiner, I don't understand," she cries, looking up at him with bloodshot eyes. "What… What are you…Why?" her voice falls over itself as words spill from her lips.

He swallows hard, feeling his heart breaking at the sight of her confusion and betrayal. "I'm sorry," he says to her, eyes darting back and forth between her wet blue orbs. "I'm sorry," he repeats, unable to say anymore.

"Please," she cries as her chest lifts wildly with uncontrollable sobs. "You can't do this! You can't leave..."

Reiner shakes his head, eyes wide with shock as she falls apart before him. "I'm sorry," he says, still unsure what else to say to her as his arms wrap around her tighter and squeezing her closer against him. He feels every rocking wave of her back as she sobs into his chest, and he feels helpless to stop her.

She thought he was doing better. She thought that the night terrors and the compartmentalization had subsided the more time she spent with him, but she was blind to just how much Reiner was holding in. It's clear that he was bottling all his reservations and self-hatred until it spilled over and become unmanageable. She continues to sob in his chest at how she was so blind not to notice. She was so focused on saying the right thing, and keeping her head down from the Marleyans that she never even noticed Reiner was breaking right before her eyes.

Willow can't even think about telling him what she's piecing together, not even allowing the speculation to come to words with how unstable Reiner is right now. The last thing he needs in this fragile state is some wild conjecture that Eren is here with the Scouts.

That man was not Eren, and the Scouts are not here. They have no way of crossing the Sea, and they are safe from them here. She was just being paranoid, and voicing these suspicions with Reiner will just cause him unnecessary harm and stress.

Willow pulls herself from Reiner's chest, grabbing hold of his face with shaking hands as her eyes look into his. She sniffles as she looks into his hard golden eyes. "Reiner," she breathes, looking at the man as her thumb softly strokes his cheekbone. "You can't…" her voice breaks before she bring the action to words. "I love you," she tells him with quivering lips, not wanting to tell him after his life is taken from him as Hal once did to her. "Please," she begs him to stay, unable to say anymore as another crashing sob hits her chest.

Reiner watches her carefully, eyes widened and brows pressed together with confliction. He looks for a falseness in her words, knowing that he is unworthy of her love, knowing that he is undeserving of the happiness that she makes him feel.

"Willow," he returns, "I don't deserve this."

"I don't care," she tells him sternly with a shake of her head. "I love you, Reiner. And I want you here with me. Always."

Reiner blinks at her, grabbing her hands from his cheeks and squeezing them tightly as he looks onto her wet blue eyes. Tears begin falling down his face as he sees the truth of her confession in her eyes. "Why?" he cries to her as he tightens his hold on her hands. "I killed your squad! I tore through your home! I've taken everything from you!" he yells at her with desolate eyes, hoping that she will see him as the monster that he is. "How could you love me? After everything that I have done to you? After everything that I have taken from you? Don't you think about killing me for everything I've done?"

Willow drops her head and Reiner releases his harsh hold on her hands. Her eyes fall to the ground to stare at the floor beneath them, "Everyday," she admits shamefully and he gasps at her confession. "But I can't deny that I love you. And I don't know why and I can't explain it, but I do," she says looking at him with desperate eyes. "I know everything you've done, and I can never forget it," she says sadly. "But beyond all of it, you make me happy, and you make me feel like I'm enough; the way that I am."

"You are," Reiner returns with horror in his tone that he ever made her feel less than.

"And so are you, Reiner," she presses. "I know you may not think that way, and I know you've done some horrible things in your past. But none of it was your fault. It's all fucking Mar—" she stops herself, crying at the realization that this place isn't safe for them to speak either.

She inhales a shaky breath, gaining her composure and looking at him with strong eyes. "We can't escape what has been done. But we can learn from it. If I could take it all back…" she doesn't allow herself to say it, for fear anyone is listening to her. "But I can't, so we move on," she tells him sternly. "Stay with me, Reiner," she asks him with a stronger resolve. "It's going to be difficult, and every day will haunt you. But I will be by your side. So will Gabi, and Falco, and your mother. You have so many people next to you. You aren't alone, Reiner. Don't leave us behind," she begs.

Reiner takes her head into his hands, pulling her face up to look at him. "I won't," he returns strongly and she melts in his grip. He pulls her face to his, pressing her lips to his with a desperation for affection driving him. She kisses him back, feeling the warmth of his lips as tears fall down her hot cheeks. "I love you, too," he confesses against her lips and they embrace one another in a tight hug, remaining silent for a moment and allowing the sound of their labored breaths to carry in the room.

***
Willow stands at the back of the war room with her arms crossed over her chest as the officers encircle the table with their maps of the island. "Most Titans come from the south," Reiner informs them. "So, Paradis' defenses are heaviest there; and comparatively sparce towards the northern mountains," he says motioning on the map.

"I see, so we should attack from the north?" one of the officers deduces.

"It's worth considering at least," Reiner tells him, "However, we need to land a great many troops and supplies, and for our larger ships to dock, we'll need control of that southern wharf."

"Then we should come from the south?"

"Not necessarily," Reiner retorts, "We'd be sailing straight to the spot where we lost our scout ships. It's where the enemy's is focused. They might've even torn the wharf down."

"All right, then what are you trying to say?" the man returns exhaustedly.

"I was just sharing information that I thought you might find useful, Sir," Reiner returns.

"Well, I think you've shared quite enough," he says swatting his hand in the air. "I don't know why we let an Eldian talk in the first place," he grumbles.

Willow watches Zeke as he says nothing to support Reiner, and her eyes flash to Theo who even looks disappointed in the officer that refuses to listen to his tactical support. She can't hold herself in anymore and finally says, "This is all assuming that they haven't already arrived here."

Everyone in the room halts what they are doing and looks at her with wide incredulous eyes. Zeke turns to her and she is unable to see his expression by the glare of his glasses, but she can tell that he is not happy with her, as there is a clear stiffness in his stance.

"Who told you that you could speak?" the officer grumbles at her outburst.

She shrugs, arms still crossed over her chest. "Coming from higher ranks in their military, I wouldn't put it passed their forces to make the first move," she says as Zeke stiffens in her peripheral, as well as Theo. "They have less to lose coming here, and more to gain. If they somehow managed a way to cross the Sea—"

"That's enough, you Eldian scum!"

Reiner shakes his head slightly and she sighs, lowering her arms and bowing her head in respect. "Apologies, Sir," she says between gritted teeth.

They are all dismissed and head towards the courtyard of the administrative building. Willow walks with her fists tightened at her sides at this country's incompetence with war strategies, having been wiped off the map centuries ago if it wasn't for the fact that they held the Titans in their power.

"Gotta say, that was pretty brazen of you," Porco rasps with what sounds like pride in his voice. "And here I thought you were just regurgitating the dusty books they made you read." She smiles at him and he continues, "That being said, with what you said in there, about them coming here; if you know something, we have a right to know."

Her eyes land on Zeke who watches her carefully, probably suspecting her of bringing them here since he never trusted her. "I'm just saying based on my history with them and knowing them, once they've learned about Marley and life beyond the Sea, they will stop at nothing to come here. I'm sure of it," she says glancing at Reiner who refuses to look at her as he watches the warrior cadets train below them.

"Well, it's not like the brass is going to take anything we say into consideration," Porco grumbles. "The brass in charge is oh so intelligent," he says leaning against the railing. "I sure am excited to hear what they come up with."

"Like entrusting the whole operation to children with no support," Pieck continues his sentiments and she rolls her eyes at the absurdity of it.

She glances over at Reiner to see his shoulders perk up at the sight below him. She turns towards the railing to see Gabi, Falco, and the others running in their training. Reiner releases a humored scoff, "He's winning," he notes as Falco takes the lead in the race. "Falco just passed Gabi."

Willow watches from above with the rest of the shifters as Falco and the others cheer at his win, while Gabi doubles over to catch her breath. "Huh, look how they celebrate that one win," Porco states with an amused tone. "Dumb kids. Ignorance really is bliss."

"But it doesn't really matter how well Falco does at this point," Colt says, "I mean, Gabi's so far ahead of him."

They all turn away from the kids and Willow can't help but look back at the blonde boy whose fists shoot up to the sky triumphantly. She can't help but think about Reiner at that age, having the same look of excitement and wonder in his eyes as he surpassed the others in his grade to inherit the Armored Titan. She glances over at him as they walk together in a group, seeing the hunch in his shoulders and the defeat in his stride. She wonders how long into his term Falco will last before that same heaviness takes over him.

A/N: Thank you all for taking the time in reading this story and keeping up with it every week. I just wanted to say I really appreciate it! I love to read you comments on what you think of the story, so please keep them coming as they keep me inspired to continue to write this story!