The rest of the night passed in a blur. Sam hung out with Gar until eleven. They just watched two of his favorite movies and he gushed about them the whole time. Sam was pretty excited to start training with Jason but watching movies Gar helped the time pass by a lot quicker. IT didn't even really feel like they watched two movies. And she even felt bad about bailing on a third movie when it got later but she knew she'd be late if they started another one. She promised they'd continue the marathon tomorrow though and that seemed to please the boy with green hair. So, Sam went to her room and waited out the extra hour.
Apparently, everyone is normally in bed around midnight if there isn't something going on. Rachel went to bed two hours ago and Sam hasn't seen Dick since he checked on her and Gar around 10:30. Gar's door is shut and there isn't a light coming from under the door when she exited her room. Sam's always been more of a night owl, it's always been the one time when she could be completely alone. Even in Gotham, the streets were quieter at night. It almost felt peaceful even but as she walks down the hallways and into the living room, she spots Gar sitting on his laptop on the couch.
"H-hey?" She asks as she gets closer. "What're you doing up?"
Gar looks at her with raised brows. "Couldn't sleep, you?" He vividly remembers her saying she was going to bed and she doesn't look panicked as if she had a nightmare again.
"Same." Sam lies with a nod. "Walking sometimes helps." Sam doesn't like lying, but sometimes it has to be done. She wants to trust him to not say anything, but she's not really sure if she can. For all she knows, he'll run right to Dick and tell on her and Jason before training even starts.
"Do you want me to walk with you?" Gar's hand goes to the top of the laptop as if to be ready to shut it.
She almost says yes because she likes his company but this is a secret between her and Jason. Gar doesn't seem like the type to disobey authority. She doesn't want to drag him into a mess they're potentially causing for the next week or so. What he doesn't know, can't hurt him.
"I'm okay." She says. "Thank you though, I'm just gonna...walk a bit but I'll come get you if I change my mind." Gar nods, understandingly, looking a little sad but confused by it. She didn't decline after last night's nightmare but she is now. He isn't sure why, he feels like there's something going on but it's also none of his business so he doesn't say anything.
Sam finishes her walk to the training room, putting her guilt about lying to Gar in the back of her head. When she enters the room, Jason is right there, waiting. A part of her thought maybe he'd still be mad and stand her up. It's a pleasant surprise that he's actually here.
"Midnight." Sam wiggles her phone, the screen lights up at Jason.
"Cutting it close." Jason taunts with a mocking grin.
"Shut up." Sam shakes her head, walking up to him. "Where do we start?"
A chuckle leaves Jason's throat, amused by her eagerness. Finally, someone else who gets it. "Have you ever punched someone?"
"A few times." Sam shrugs. "It wasn't really my thing." Sam scrunches her nose.
"How wasn't it your thing?" Jason questions, his brows furrowed.
"What do you mean?" Sam's eyes go left and then right, trying to figure out what he's so confused about. Some people don't like to punch other people in the face.
"Seems like you'd be into hitting people." Jason chortles.
Sam's survival instincts is actually why he thinks that. The whole dealing with torture for a year thing, living on the streets of Gotham, her overall detached sarcastic attitude, it all makes him think she wouldn't be afraid to throw the first punch.
"Rude. No," Sam shakes her head with a laugh. "Like I said, people didn't hate me and I wasn't one to throw a punch. I talk a lot of shit for someone who's only been in a handful of fistfights." Sam shifts her weight. "And...close hand-to-hand combat is a bit sketchy. Shit starts going south, you're fucked. I threw knives." Sam states nonchalantly, watching Jason's face contort in surprise. "People fear knives, everyone thinks they stand a chance in a fistfight."
Jason's brows knit together, trying to piece all of this together. "Knives? And how did you manage that?" He didn't see that coming.
Sam shrugs. "Guy at one of the shelters, he taught street kids how to defend themselves. Self defense and he had a thing for knives."
Jason lets out this booming laugh, his head tilting back. "Yeah, uh, Knife Guy? Like, that's what he was called, right? Shelter by the library?"
"Yeah," Sam lets out a shy laugh. "Yeah, white hair, scar across his left eye?"
There's this feeling in the pit of Sam's stomach she can't identify knowing that Jason knows who she's talking about. The guy had been around for years according to his stories and rumors. So, of course Jason would know who he is. But, it's still weird because had any of their circumstances changed within a year of each other, they likely would have run into each other. Sam wonders if she would have hated him or been too infatuated with him to focus on anything else if that had been the case. She settles on the feeling being bitterness.
"Yeah, that's the guy." Jason gives her this understanding smile. "Okay, so he taught you knives and how to punch?"
Jason didn't care much for the guy. He didn't really know what he was doing, even before Jason's training he knew that. But, it was better than nothing. Time and time again, Jason witnessed other kids who got picked up by dealers, by other kids, by scarier adults. A lot of kids knew to just start screaming bloody murder and it'd scare off the person because it draws too much attention, usually. But, other times, some sort of defense was needed and no one else was helping. Something is better than nothing, that's what Jason thinks anyway. But, the knives, the guy had a thing for that and he rarely ever missed.
"Kind of." Sam shrugs. "It was mostly knife work I learned from him. Let's be honest, him and the library are the only reason anyone actually goes to that shelter willingly." Sam grimaces. The staff kind of sucks there. They aren't very nice and the food is somehow worse at that shelter. But, beggars can't be choosers.
Jason walks over to the table containing throwing knives. He picks one up and flips the blade towards him, offering Sam the handle. "Let's see what you got then."
Sam smirks at him and it's been a while. She's not very confident in her ability to hit a target but she won't let Jason know that.
"I am rusty, so remember that." Sam chuckles, taking the knife from him and walking in front of the target. She aims as she was taught, realizing her vision is still a bit compromised but she takes the throw anyway. It sticks at the very bottom of the target. "Well, fuck." Sam groans.
"Not a sharpshooter that's for sure." Jason chuckles.
"Give me another!" Sam spins, glaring at him. Jason does as told and Sam spins around, arming again and this time, it's closer but still far off from the bullseye.
"Least you get it on the target, I guess." Jason teases her. "Maybe you should get some hand-to-hand in, might do you better."
"Fuck off!" Sam grows annoyed and she was never a sharpshooter but this is ridiculous. She should be closer, at least. It's why she chose the knives. She's better at it but this is not it. She won't let Jerry take this away from her either. "Give me another one." Jason hands another one over, crossing his arms. He is a little impressed with her making it on the target. He can tell by how she moves her arm, it hurts. It's shaky when she pulls back and she steps into it with a shaky leg. That's why she's missing but Jason lets her throw again before saying anything. This one is worse than the first one. "Oh, for fuck's sake." Sam groans, throwing her head back.
"Did you want some advice now? I mean, we can do this all night. It's pretty funny but I could help."
Sam stares straight ahead, rolling her eyes before turning to face him. "Enlighten me."
"You're in pain and you gotta fight through it." Jason picks up a knife, spinning it in his hands as if to show off. "Go faster. Stop thinking so hard about it. You always think that much? Cause, if you're in a fight, you don't get that."
"No!" Sam yells to defend herself. "Of course, not but I haven't done it in a while and yeah it's kind of painful."
Usually, when Sam were to throw a knife, there wasn't a lot of thought, not after a while. Her eyes and arms just worked together. Again, it's not that she was a sharpshooter or anything, but her movements were fluid and she usually hit whatever she was trying to, even if it wasn't a perfect target. But, this is different. It feels like she's starting over in a way because hitting this stationary target that isn't even that far away should have been easier.
"So?" Jason challenges her. "Should be like getting on a bike." His eyes widen as he stands toe to toe with her, dangling the knife. "Just throw it."
Sam takes the knife from him and does what he says. She doesn't think about it and just spins around, throwing the knife just as it comes into view. The knife sticks just a few inches from the bullseye and Sam gets this smile on her face that's drenched in pride and relief while Jason's is proud.
He can't help the way his heart skips a beat with the smile on her face or with the way she spins back around, confidence oozing from her. Her eyes are bright and this is the first time she looks genuinely happy. Jason's stomach flips as she eyes him with pride and in the moment, a subconscious part of him swears he never wants to see her anything but happy and proud.
"See? Stop thinking so fucking much." Jason chortles, brushing off the bubbles in his stomach.
"See? Stop thinking so fucking much."
"That how you function?" Sam quips, crossing her arms over her chest.
Jason shrugs. "Working pretty well." He spreads his arms out. "Robin."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Sam lets out a sigh.
He has a point. But, Sam hopes that maybe he'll be really good at this training. But, they can stick it to Dick and maybe it'll be a way, in a roundabout kind of way, for Jason to show Dick what he can do. Maybe that'll be enough for Bruce. They train carefully but successfully. Sam thinks it should be enough because while she has so far been enjoying his company, the way he just beams like the morning saw when he mentions Robin, Sam wants him to be able to get back to that. Sam doesn't need to know him in depth or for very long to know he deserves it.
"No bad though." Jason nods his head at her.
"Was that a compliment?" Sam wiggles her brows at him.
"Yeah, fuck off." Jason chuckles softly as he looks to the ground and back to her. "Alright, you wanna do that or you wanna fight?"
"Fight." Sam answers, the smile falling from her face as she nods at him once. She'll get back into knife throwing when she can train with everyone else. She was always better at it.
Jason walks to the center of the floor, Sam following him but keeping her distance. "Do you do know how to punch someone?"
"Assume so." Sam shrugs. "Knife Guy did teach me that."
Jason rolls his eyes. "Show me."
Sam hesitates but walks towards him anyway and makes a fist and punches him lightly in the arm. Jason bursts out laughing and she can't be serious.
"That's a joke, right?"
"I don't want to actually p-"
"I can't train you if I don't know if you can even punch someone. Aren't you still mad at me from earlier?" Jason questions. He was sure she'd be okay with a friendly sparring session. He didn't think she was actually someone who didn't like to punch people.
Sam shrugs a shoulder. "I don't have many grudges."
"Start, it'll help." Jason quips, there's a roughness to his voice and Sam wonders what grudges he's hiding. "Just fucking hit me, it's not like it's gonna be worse than anything I've had before."
Sam rolls her eyes but does as he says, actually putting some force into it and Jason just blinks at her. He can't tell if she just doesn't know what she's doing or if she's weak as a person or if being malnourished has made her weak and that's why she sucks at this. She's going to be a part of the team and he's gotta get her to be stronger than this if her powers aren't going to be fool proof like Dick likes to think.
"That's pathetic." Jason nods.
"Thank you. I used to pride myself in not being very violent." Sam scoffs.
"You're a Titan." Jason almost pleads.
"That's why I'm here so you can teach me to be more violent and actually kick ass. I'm not who I was before. I said used to." Sam only acted in self defense, life or death, scared situations. But, she wants to be ready for anything. Act first, think later kind of mentality from now on.
For a second, Jason wonders if this is a good idea. He wasn't a super violent person before Robin either. He's had his share of fistfights, of course, nothing on this planet will get Jason to shut the fuck up and people don't normally find it charming. He had no choice. It's always kill or be killed. But being Robin gave him a free pass to kick ass. Sure, the criminals all deserved it and it was mostly under the watchful eye of Bruce, but it was a free pass and maybe some of that went to his head like when he beat up a bunch of cops when he was helping Dick. Does he want to put someone else through that? Is that what Dick meant with all that talk about not being Robin? Jason can't imagine another life, sure he fights more but it's also the most himself he's ever felt and there's a sense of feeling complete being Robin. Maybe that's just one of the consequences of finding yourself, losing a part of yourself.
"I'm also injured." Sam continues. "I could punch harder if it didn't hurt."
"Okay. I'm gonna teach you how to throw a punch and a proper kick then we're gonna spar." Jason explains, earning raised brows from Sam. "So, I can see what you can do and what you can't right now. It'll be easier for me to figure shit out, not gonna push you too far."
"Alright." Sam agrees. "Show me, then."
Jason walks them over to the punching bag and takes her hand in his and she can't help but notice the difference between how his hand feels compared to Gar's. It's cold, more calloused. It's rough like all he does is beat his fists into things which by the looks of the fading bruises on his knuckles, that is all he does.
He makes a fist with her hand and then stands behind her, using his feet to move hers in a proper position. His hands are on her hips and there's a second where his heart stutters. He convinces himself it's because he just doesn't want to get caught and they're just starting. It's not because his hands are on her hips and she looks over her shoulder at him with nothing but endearment.
Sam's stomach flips under his touch and she doesn't know what the flipping in her stomach is. She can't even tell if she likes it. It's different than the flipping with Gar because this feels...like adrenaline. It's a rush like running through the streets at night, the sky cloudy and the air muggy but something feels so good about it. Refreshing even. But Gar is a calming and comforting flip, butterflies even. He's the safety of a house after being out late at night, where the bed is the most welcoming place on earth. Jason makes Sam want to go skydiving, something she'd never do in a million years and Gar makes her want to curl up by a fire with hot chocolate and a pet dog.
"You're gonna wanna move your hips when you punch, gives you more momentum, stronger punch." Jason explains as he walks in front of her.
"Like this?" Sam throws a punch and the bag moves.
"Yeah, like that." Jason gives her a soft and proud smile, something Sam never thought she'd see coming from him. "Keep going but try putting more force into, as much as you can."
Sam does as she's told and Jason gives a few pointers here and there on her form. But overall, she isn't doing too bad given her lack of experience and it makes Jason feel important. It's the first time since leaving Bruce that he feels important. Someone needs him. It's for fighting, but needs him nonetheless and he's doing a good job helping her. It feels really good. And after a few minutes of Sam hitting the bag, he feels it's time to show her how to kick properly without breaking a toe.
Jason does a few examples and Sam always thought the kicks of any type of fighting look so ridiculous when there isn't a person at the receiving end. Jason makes them look a little less ridiculous though and she follows his lead. She tries to do what he does and he tells her what she's doing wrong and what she's doing right. He's surprisingly good at constructive criticism. Dick might not like what Bruce turned him and Jason into but as far as Sam is concerned, they were taught well otherwise Jason wouldn't have any idea what constructive criticism even is and would just be badgering her about what she's doing wrong.
"So," Jason starts as Sam grabs a drink of water after a few rounds of kicks and punching bag hits. "How's this gonna work with your whole...combat thing you do?" Jason asks. "Because part of this is teaching you how to block but if you can dodge everything already?"
Sam shrugs. "I can try to ignore it?" She offers.
"Is that something you can actually fucking do?" Jason quips with a chuckle.
"I don't fucking know." Sam laughs. "Probably, I did for a while with Jerry."
It's not something easy to ignore. It's kind of like trying to ignore a raging migraine. It doesn't hurt but it's throbbing and it's annoying. But, Sam's done it before in a far worse situation. Jason, she knows he's not gonna hurt her. This is just training, some (Jason) might even say this is just fun. So, she thinks ignoring it might be helpful for right now but she swears she can't make a habit of it.
The acid is one thing, it's not something she likes very much but the combat clairvoyance is nice. It's useful and no one would ever know that's what it is. But a part of her worries that if she ignores it enough, it won't be as effective. The last thing she wants is to be stuck with powers and then the one she likes to not even work properly because she spent too much time ignoring it.
Jason nods. "Right. Alright, well, I won't actually try to hit you hard." Jason huffs but there's still a smile pulling at his lips. "Not a fair fight."
"Ha-ha." Sam mocks. "No, that's fair." Sam laughs softly.
"You just have to block me, that's it." Jason shrugs as if it's the easiest sentence he's ever said. Something tells Sam blocking Jason isn't going to be that easy even with him not trying very hard.
"Okay." Sam rests her water bottle down and follows Jason to the center of the room.
Jason takes position and Sam mimics what he's doing, not really understanding the purpose but rolls with it anyway. It gains her a smirk and a head shake from Jason before he asks if she's ready. She nods and Jason moves towards her, the sparring starting.
She feels the throbbing of the back of her head with Jason coming at her. It's throbbing and aching, a constant state of feeling like someone waking you up banging pots and pans right against her ears but she pushes through it. Ignoring the signals from the back of her head, Sam uses her arms to block him to the best of her ability. It's not much actually but she saw him spar with Gar and Rachel earlier, he's holding back a lot. He's slower and there's almost no strength in his punches or his kicks. He's being careful not to hurt her and there's something really nice and reassuring about it. He just wants to help. But then Sam misses one of the blocks as Jason's leg comes up, connecting with her right flank.
Sam lets out a scream and drops to the floor, holding her side. Jason stands in shock, questioning how it hurt that bad because he swears he didn't kick her hard, it was more of just a tap.
"Fuck, are you okay?" Jason moves to his knees in front of her, Sam hunching over, fighting back tears as the stinging intensifies.
Her eyes are slammed shut with her forehead pressed against the floor but she gives him a thumbs up. "Fine, I...I'm...I'm fine."
"I-I'm sorry." Jason mumbles. "I didn't-" His hand is hovering over her shoulder, not sure what to do or how he can help.
"Not your fault." Sam cuts him off, her words sharp and short, not mad. "Fuck." She looks up to him, her eyes and the tip of her nose red.
"Let me see-"
"No." Sam shakes her head. "It's fine...I just...need...a minute." Her words are breathy as the pain makes her heart race.
"Sam, I'm really sorry." Jason apologizes with sad eyes wreaking of guilt.
"It's a bruise, not your fault, didn't tell you how bad." Sam mumbles, trying to regain her breath as the pain starts to fade slightly.
"How fucking bad is that bruise? It should be getting better by now." Jason's voice raises with touches of anger and worry.
He's pissed she didn't tell him how bad the bruise still was. He still would have helped her but he would have minded his kicks and punches a lot more. He would have avoided that side. They were going easy enough that it would have been simple for him. He'd never hurt her on purpose. And he can only assume it's the boot print. It's the one bruise she specifically mentioned and bruises in the shape of boot are usually pretty bad and linger but he thought she'd tell him if it were that bad.
Sam sucks in a breath as the stinging fades a bit more. "Pretty bad, I guess." She mutters. "Didn't think it'd be a big deal."
"That worked out real fucking well." Jason groans. Sam dodges his eyes and Jason feels guilty. It's not really his fault but she just wanted to train. If anyone would understand that, it's him.
Sam goes quiet for a second and she feels bad but she's just desperate. Being hurt makes her feel weaker and she hates feeling weak. Sam knows that it's okay not feel completely okay and take time to heal an injury but she just doesn't think she has that kind of time. It's terrifying knowing Jerry is still out there, even if he stands no chance against the Titans. It doesn't matter because he's out there probably living his best life and Sam just wants to live hers.
"I-I'm sorry." Sam mutters out, still dodging Jason's eyes. "I-I...I, uh, I don't like feeling weak and, ya know?" Sam's brows furrow. "Um..." Sam's jaw clenches. "Telling you how bad it is, it's just admitting it to myself and I don't...I don't want to do that." Sam's eyes finally lock on Jason's and his heart sinks.
He lets out a sigh and rests his forearm on his knee. "You're not weak, alright? Some dickwad did that to you, alright?" He shakes his head and something about Sam makes it really easy to open up. It's easy for him to open to Gar because Gar doesn't judge. He just lets him talk and that's kind of what Sam does but she offers this sense of genuine understanding, even with stealing the hubcaps off the Batmobile. They're plenty different but on the surface they're so similar Jason finds it easy to talk to her. "I got hurt once, as Robin." Jason states.
"What happened?" Sam asks.
Jason's jaw clenches. "I didn't listen to Bruce, it got me a little hung out." Jason explains. "I broke my collarbone. It sucked because had I listened to Bruce it wouldn't have happened and then he benched me until it was healed, obviously." Jason scoffs as if to still be mad about it and Sam has a hunch he's madder about not being able to be Robin than he is about the broken bone. "I tried to train with it broken though." Jason lets out a laugh. "Bruce caught me and it got fucking ugly, he was pissed." There's a simple smile on Jason's face. "So, I get it, alright? But, if you don't tell me, I can't help you. I know how fucking keen you are to tell people shit, but this would help."
"Thanks, Jay." Sam says and Jason's heart flutters, no one's ever called him that before. He likes it when she says it. Sam lets out a sigh and decides to show him the bruise. "Promise not to tell anyone?"
"Do promises mean something to you?" Jason asks, his voice slightly snarky.
"Yeah, of course. All we have is our word. They don't mean anything to you?"
Too many people have promised Jason things over the years and none of those promises ever worked. His dad promised he'd be there for him, always, because his mom was down and out. Then he was an idiot working with Two-Face and got himself killed. His uncle promised to take care of him and then drank himself to death. Cops promised he'd be okay but he hasn't felt okay a day in his life, not until he put on the Robin suit but that was because of Bruce and because Jason took his life into his own hands. And now it's been tugged away from him. Social workers promised they'd find a really good home for him. They didn't. Teachers promised they would help but they gave up on him. No one's ever been up to the task of really and truly helping him but they all promised they would. They all promised he wouldn't be alone. So, no, Jason Todd doesn't believe in promises.
"No." He scoffs, keeping it short. "People say they promise just to get shit from you."
Sam's eyes are sad and her heart breaks for him. She doesn't really know him all that well but she knows everyone else is wrong about him. She can tell. No one gives him a chance to be good but she will. Sam doesn't trust anyone either, not after everything. It's so easy to break trust and nearly impossible to get it back but she wants to trust people again and she wants Jason to trust people, trust her. She trusts him.
"I won't make a promise to you I can't keep or make a promise just to get something from you." Her voice is small, filled with candor but she keeps her eyes locked on Jason's and suddenly it all feels a little too real for him. He feels like she's put him under a microscope and is looking for signs of a deadly disease.
"That a promise?" Jason quips back, a bite in his voice but Sam doesn't take the bait.
"Promise." Sam nods her head just once. "I keep my promises. I've never broken a single one."
Sam is this puzzle he can't figure out, something of a Rubix cube. He doesn't understand why she even cares. She doesn't even know him but she treats him better than people who've known him his entire life. A part of him even thinks it's some sort of prank, he's waiting for the cameras to come out and say he's being Punk'd. But, her eyes are sincere and warm and welcoming. They're blue and Jason can't believe he's thinking about he could drown in her eyes. He drown into her if she'd let him.
"Alright," Jason sucks in a breath. "I promise I won't tell anyone."
Sam shifts carefully so her flank is facing Jason. She lifts up her shirt just enough to show him the bruise. Jason's jaw nearly drops as his brows furrow and pain shoots through his entire body. The bruise is, in fact, a boot. He can see the tread and he thinks about old episodes of CSI and how they'd use shoe prints to pin the killer. He swears they could do that with this shoot print because it's so vivid and he wants to know how she didn't have any internal bleeding over it. The whole bruise is varying shades of purples, blues, and reds, no signs of any yellow. It looks agonizing and maybe Dick was right about her not training.
"Shit." Jason lets out a breath as Sam pulls her shirt down and faces him.
"Yeah...it kind of hurts."
"No, shit." Jason huffs. "That's..." Jason pauses he swears that he would hunt down Jerry himself right now if it weren't for Sam sitting in front of him. "I hope you get to hunt him the fuck down one day." His jaw is clenched and it makes Sam smile.
"Yeah, you and me both." Sam lets out a half-laugh half-scoff.
Jason lets out this dry laugh, his blood boiling. It's just not fair and Jason knows life isn't fair but it should be for her. "I'm serious, I'll hunt him down if you don't want to."
Sam gives him a large smile. "I appreciate it but he's my battle. It's why I don't why you tell Dick. I'll find him one day."
"You'll have the best training in the world." Jason holds his head up high giving you a cocky grin. "I'll make sure the fuck doesn't stand a chance against you."
Sam almost forgot what it's like to have someone so protective of her. The only person who was ever like that was her mom but it never resorted to something like this. It was just that one time with her dad showing up and the usual things like defending her against nosy soccer moms or putting her arm across her when she had to slam on the brakes in the car too quickly. This is different because Jason doesn't know her but he'd protect her anyway.
"As I said, you're not so bad, Jason Todd." Sam grins at him.
"Told ya, I'm the best." Jason boasts.
"Yeah, I'll give it to you...this one time." Sam laughs softly.
"It won't be the last, babe." Jason quips and Sam rolls her eyes. If it were anyone else, the arrogance that radiates off him like bad cologne would be annoying. But, it's cute on him.
"Mhm, whatever you say, BaBe." Sam mocks him, widening her eyes.
Jason lets out a laugh and Sam thinks he's cute when he laughs. She wishes he did it more. "Alright, come on." Jason moves to her left side and pulls her arm, putting it around his neck. "We're gonna some ice on it before it gets worse."
Sam looks up at him. "You're not mad, are you?" He doesn't seem mad anymore but she just wants to make sure.
"No." Jason shakes his head. "But can you fucking tell me next time?"
"You got it, boss." Sam gives him a thumbs up, standing up with him and wincing with the movement of getting to her feet.
The two of them start their walk, opting to remain quiet this time. Sam feels safe with him. His grip is tight around her, but not too tight. He's holding her close to him and she swears he's probably the safest person in the world. Jason, though, he just feels understood. He thinks if he offered to help Rachel, he wouldn't but if did, she'd cringe or make some nasty comment about it. But, Sam, it's like she just gets it and of course, Gar gets it, too. The two of them understand him better than anyone ever has. In this moment, Jason swears to himself that if it comes down to it, the people he'd save over anything and everyone, including himself, are Sam and Gar.
Jason shakes his head, biting back a laugh. The rest of the walk is quiet between the two of them. With every step, Sam winces and she's starting to understand why Dick wanted her to wait. She'll never admit that he was right because she's too prideful for that but she gets it now because this pain is horrendous. She knew it would hurt if she got hit but she highly underestimated just how much. And because that wasn't bad enough, Gar is still planted on the couch when the two of them enter the living room. Jason and Sam freeze for a second as Gar makes eye contact with them.
Busted.
"What are you...what...what happened?" Gar gets up from his seat as concern coats his words, Sam and Jason just standing there, at a loss for words. "Are you okay?" Gar asks Sam before looking to Jason and then back to Sam.
"I'm fine, Gar." Sam pulls her arm away from Jason's neck and makes her way to the couch, favoring her right side. Gar follows her while Jason goes to the freezer for an icepack.
Gar sits on the coffee table in front of her. "He didn't...?" Gar asks, knowing full well that Jason would never but needed some type of reassurance.
Sam sighs knowing she can't hide everything from him, he already knows too much and if he goes to Dick about it, this whole thing will blow up more. She does not want to get anyone in trouble.
"You can't tell Dick, okay?" Sam asks and Gar nods while Jason comes back, handing the ice pack to Sam as he takes a seat on the coffee table in front of her. "Jason is helping me train since Dick won't let me yet."
"That's stupid." Gar states, mostly referring to the both of them teaming up to do this. Dick just has her best interests at heart and Jason should know that better than anyone.
"That's what I said." Jason adds in.
Sam narrows her eyes at him. "You agreed to it." Sam mutters. "I neglected to tell him about a bruise and he tapped it."
"Tapped?" Gar questions.
"Swear, I barely touched her."
"Yeah," Sam shrugs. "It's just, uh, it's pretty bad, I guess." Sam looks down before looking at Jason as if begging him not to tell Gar further details about it. She wants to spare him the sight of it. "It's a shoe print so." Sam clears her throat.
"Holy shit." Gar mumbles, shaking his head.
"Yeah," Sam sucks in a breath. "I thought it'd be fine but it is not. The others are healing fine, a little faster than I expected actually but this one is just taking a little longer, I guess." Sam shrugs her shoulders. "So, it was just an accident."
Gar sits for a second, obviously, he knew it was bad. He looks at her face every day. But a vivid shoe print on her side seems to have crossed a line he didn't know he even had. He's pissed and Gar isn't someone that gets pissed often. How can someone do this to her? She's got a smartass mouth but that's not a reason to do that to someone. It doesn't matter what she did or didn't do, no one deserves that and there's a part of him that almost wants to hunt the guy down.
Jason, on the hand, kind of wants Sam to show Gar. As he said, whatever Gar imagines is going to be worse than what it actually is. And Jason knows from first had experience that Gar isn't going to make it weird or anything. He'll just be understanding and maybe even he'll want to find the guy. But, Gar would actually understand more why Sam wants to train. However, Jason isn't going to say anything. He promised.
"Okay," Sam nods her head finding the silence and wide eyes from Gar a bit uncomforting. "You're making it a little weird."
"Sorry." Gar apologizes, shaking his head. "It's just pretty messed up."
"It's fucked." Jason locks a knowing stare with Sam, matching the conversation they had the night before. "Piece of shit doesn't deserve to walk around free."
"We're not going after him, Dick will kill us." Gar protests though, if Jason or Sam went after him, he can't blame them. Even before knowing about this bruise, he wouldn't have blamed them.
"No one is going after him." Sam states. "If anyone were going to, it would be me. I said I don't hold many grudges. This isn't a grudge, it's vengeance, karma. Eye for an eye. My eye for an eye, no one else's. But the plan is not to seek him out, just be prepared if he seeks me out."
"Is that why you're training?" Gar asks.
"Gotta be prepared." Sam dodges his stare and Gar gets her wanting to search the tower a little more now. She is fully convinced he'll come looking for her if he finds out she's alive. If she's alive and she starts telling people what happened and who did it, he'll be fucked.
"The guy still deserves the same shit he did to you and then some." Jason remarks.
"Yeah, well, he's also not my fucking problem." It's harsh but it's also true. It's very fresh and maybe in a few months, she'll feel differently about it. But, for right now, he is not Sam's problem. He isn't her problem unless he comes looking for her.
Gar's attention snaps back to her with the comment. "What if he does it to someone else?" Gar asks, almost feeling like siding with Jason.
Sam shakes her head. "I'm not seeking him out. I spent a year trying to escape and I won't risk it again." Sam's being candid with the two of them and she doesn't feel too bad about it, actually. The both of them together make it easier. Gar has the calmness and level-headedness Sam needs whereas Jason is the hot-headed one that Sam prefers in conversations like this, probably because she likes the idea of killing Jerry. "I'm not...trying to be a bitch but...did you do anything about that doctor?"
Gar shakes his head. "But he didn't do that," He gestures toward her. "To any of us. This is different."
"I guess." Sam shrugs, readjusting the ice pack. "Look, I don't want anyone to know how bad it was, okay? I tell you two because I happen to really like the both of you and talking to you. I don't want anyone else to know how bad shit got, alright? Any of it, okay?" Sam pleads with them and Jason nods along, he doesn't like people knowing the deep and dirty secrets his heart carries either.
"Why not?" Gar asks. "If Dick knows, he can help catch him."
Of course, to some extent, he can understand it. It's something that's hard to talk about. Talking about trauma is never easy. He remembers Jason finally breaking down and telling him stuff, he did in a very matter-of-fact way which just made Gar worry about him. But, after a little bit, Jason had a real conversation about it and why he doesn't like to talk about. It makes it real, people look at him differently. Sam and Jason are so much alike it seems that Gar wonders if that's how Sam feels about it, too. If so, he wishes she didn't because talking and letting people in, does help. Gar would know.
Sam admires Gar's endless optimism but she's a glass-half-empty kind of person. "You know how people say trauma makes you strong?" Gar nods. "It doesn't, it just desensitizes you. Not feeling anything is not a strength, it's a weakness. Being terrified of sleeping and letting your guard down for more than a minute, that's not strength. I will not look weak to anyone, ever again so fucking help me." Her stare is harsh and her mouth is pressed into a straight line.
Listening to someone say they don't feel anything besides a sense of fear and paranoia, it's not something Gar has heard before even if that is how someone has felt. He can't imagine the kind of pain must put someone through. He didn't really get it until now and maybe now he understands why it was easy for her to talk to Jason. Jason seems like he doesn't feel much, Gar seems like he feels too much. He gets why she doesn't want anyone to know, as much as it pains him, he'll swear he won't tell anyone.
"Okay." Gar nods.
"Thanks, guys." Sam sucks in a breath. "I'll be fine, like, really. It'll fade and one day I'll be okay but I'm not close to that yet." Sam shows some slight optimism.
She isn't sure she believes the words she said or not but looking at the concerned faces of both boys, she felt like she needed to say something. She doesn't want them thinking she's about to jump off a building or something because that's not it either. Sam does feel safe here and while she isn't sure if she'll recover from everything, she does know there's a chance if she's here with these two because they make life after the trauma look appealing and fun again. They make it look like she can move past it, either in a heroic, aggressive way or in a happy-go-lucky way. They make it seems possible and that's all she really needs.
"If I ever see him though," Jason starts, not thrilled with the idea of letting this piece of shit just be free. Maybe that's the issue with being a Titan for him, he wants the fight and Dick won't let him. At least Bruce let him fight. "I'll kill him."
"How do you even know what he looks like?" Sam asks, narrowing her eyes and she catches Gar stiffen in front to her as Jason's eyes glance to Gar. "Oh my gosh, did you like, Google me or whatever?"
"No, we didn't fucking Google you." Jason quips, his eyes slightly narrowed. They did not Google her.
"Research me? Using some type of Wayne tech?" Sam retorts. "You know what I mean."
"Well..." Jason gains this sly smirk and he's not all that apologetic about it. There's not a doubt in his mind if the roles were reversed, she would have done it, too.
"WE just wanted to make sure you weren't here to kill us." Gar says apologetically.
"Wait, so, you guys knew this whole time and didn't say anything?"
"We're sorry." Gar apologizes for the both of them while Jason just shrugs. Gar gives him a dirty look.
"Sorry we ran your blood through the computer." Jason's tone is almost mocking, he isn't all that sorry about it. He feels a little bad about the invasion of privacy, especially since she did actually tell him what happened. But, it was for the safety of the Titans, or so he tells himself.
Sam's face contorts and she can't really tell if she wants to be mad about it or not. On the one hand, that's an invasion of privacy. Did Dick also do that? Is that why he's so trusting? But, on the other hand, she would have done the same thing and getting mad would just make her a hypocrite. Though she does have questions about why they were so confident to use her blood. But, that's an entirely different thing to unpack that, in all honesty, Sam doesn't even wanna know.
"I...okay." Sam shakes her head, choosing to move on from it. "So...why didn't you guys just say you knew?"
It's Gar who shrugs and speaks up before Jason can have some sarcastic quip. "We didn't want you to know and make you uncomfortable and we weren't really sure what happened. That's not actually in the file."
"We figured." Jason says, looking away from her.
"Ahh." Sam says. "Anyone else with you two?"
Gar shakes his head. "Just us." Gar clears his throat. "Rachel, knew though. We didn't tell her anything though."
"Hmm." Sam's eyes narrow for just a quick second. Rachel knew the boys were going to look up who she is and didn't tell her? Alright then. But, she doesn't say anything about it. Gar is at least her friend so maybe she didn't want to throw him under the bus for someone she doesn't even know. "Well, since you already took it upon yourselves to look into me," Sam sucks in a breath. "Anything you actually want to know that I haven't said already?"
Gar looks at Jason and they're both almost certain this is some sort of trap. They're not entirely sure how but it has to be. She can't possibly be open to just discussing whatever questions they have about anything prior to coming here. She hasn't been that open about anything. But Jason takes it as a challenge, if it's a trap, he'll walk right into it.
"How'd you end up in the system?" Jason asks, jerking his head up slightly. He kind of assumes it's the whole breaking into cars thing but he's curious.
"Busted breaking into a car because no one told me that hubcaps were the smarter option." Sam gives Jason a joking glare, her voice holding tints of sarcasm. "I fucking tripped, can you believe that? Pavement was slick and I slipped." Sam lets out a laugh.
When it happened, it was definitely not funny. It was disappointing and she felt like a failure. But, tonight, there's a part of it that she finds funny. She ran those streets a million times in the pouring rain and never had any issues but that one night, she slipped. It's so dumb.
"Fell from a fence." Jason laughs.
"You guys tried to escape from the system?" Gar looks between the two of them. Of course, seeing what Sam has been through so far, he gets it but the entire system can't possibly be like that.
"Fuck yes." Sam and Jason say simultaneously.
"Clearly," Sam continues. "I had the right idea."
"Yeah, foster care is a fucking joke even if it's not as bad as what's his face." Jason shakes his head. He's had his fair share of time spent in foster homes and most of them weren't that bad. But, it wasn't the best time of his life either.
"Assuming you never got the lovely experience?" Sam asks Gar.
Gar shakes his head. "I went with Dr. Cauldon when I got better after he fixed me."
Sam offers him a sweet smile. "You're lucky." Sam clears her throat. "Uh, I mean, there are a lot of foster homes and stuff that aren't bad, of course, right? I mean, I met someone who ended up in a really good home. It's just..." Sam scrunches her face, trying to figure out how to phrase it.
"Do you want to take the risk in ending up in a bad one?" Jason asks the rhetorical question, finishing Sam's thought.
"Yeah, exactly."
"Yeah, I knew a few people who ended up fine in their foster homes. So, it's not horrible but when it treats you like shit..." Jason turns his head at Gar.
"You turn a little bitter towards the system as a whole because the system should be in place to protect us. But, I was better off on the streets." Sam sets the ice pack on the couch beside her. "So, I mean, you're lucky you didn't have to navigate it."
"I'm seeing that." Gar lets out a breath.
Lucky was never a word Gar would have used to describe himself. His parents die of a mysterious disease, he also gets the mysterious disease and the only way to survive was through a weird doctor. Then, he gets better and he's not even allowed to leave the manor. Of course, he did anyway but he wasn't supposed to. It's not like it was horrible at Doom Manor or anything because it wasn't but it also wasn't freedom or very fun. It was just existing to Gar and he never considered that to be lucky, not until meeting the Titans anyway. They've all had pretty horrible lives, actually, the more Gar thinks about it.
"So, any other questions?" Sam asks, mostly looking at Gar.
He has one but he's not sure if it's really appropriate. He mostly just wants to know what happened before Dick found her. Did Jerry really just leave her there alive and if so, why? Did he actually think she was dead? He's just curious how it all happened, he's glad it did but he wonders. On the other hand, though, he doesn't want this to get uncomfortable or weird, although she seems to be comfortable with Jason asking questions.
"Did he really just leave you in that alley?" Gar asks.
"Uh..." Sam stutters, brows furrowed. She doesn't have much memory of it, actually. "It's kind of hard to remember." Sam sucks in a breath and suddenly she's nervous. Something about Gar asking makes her nervous, maybe it's because even when Jason is serious, Sam has a hard time taking him seriously where Gar, despite the quirkiness and softness and smiles, when he asks, he always seems serious. "I tried to come up with a plan for awhile to escape but I was always chained up and I didn't get to develop super strength or anything. Um...so..." Sam shakes her head, wishing she had a hoodie on suddenly, feeling too exposed. "I figured it was do or die at some point." Sam's head hangs and she remembers the day she made her decision.
It was dark. The darkest time she's ever had. It was two hours after she was injected with something red, Jerry never told her what it was supposed to do. He got mad and he hit her a few times, blood spilled from her ear that time and everything hurt but it was a different pain. It was almost numb and not because her nerve endings were damaged but because she got so used to it. Injection, wait, nothing happens, beating. It was like clockwork. She could practically time it. Normally, she'd even flinch when his fist would come up but not this time. A part of her gave up. Sam figured, this was just her life and at one point that night, with ringing ears and the worst migraine of her life that she swore was a brain bleed, she was begging something to finally just kill her because being dead had to be better than the hell Jerry put her through.
Sam was never one that suffered from depression. She was lucky. That's what her best friend told her during one of her bad times. Sure, bad shit happened but at least her own brain wasn't trying to kill her which was true. But then Jerry happened and she understood what that meant. Because all Sam wanted was to die because it was so much better than this. And that's how the great plan came to her head. Do or die.
"Let me preface this by saying that I didn't want to die, not really. I was just exhausted from it all and I needed to get out of there because he was gonna kill me at some point." Sam states looking between the two boys and she feels the mental fatigue deep in her brain like a permanent virus just waiting to be activated again. "I-I decided I'd piss him off real bad one day." Sam says through gritted teeth, Gar and Jason hung onto every word.
The energy has shifted. It always felt light-hearted despite the seriousness of the discussion. Sam was joking and so was Jason, Gar giving them looks of disbelief but this is not that. Sometimes what the mind can do to someone is worse than anything someone else can physically cause.
"I knew he'd get really mad and one of two things would happen. One: either he would kill me and I'd be out of my fucking misery."
Gar winces at the thought, that's what she thought about? Having him kill her? And Jason can't fathom it. No amount shit he's been through has pushed him that far. He knew, of course, because she told him but it was very casual. This story while the same as the singular sentence she said about it, feels drastically different and far more upsetting than it did before.
"Or two: he'd beat me so bad he'd think I was dead and dump me somewhere." Sam tilts her head to the right. "It was risky and not calculated but to be honest, I did not give a flying fuck what would happen. Guess, he thought I was dead and now I'm here." Sam shrugs. "I got good at staying calm so I didn't fight back. In a way, I supposed I faked my death." Sam scoffs as she rolls her eyes.
The room falls silent as she finishes and Sam feels like she said way too much. She didn't mean to go that in-depth about it but she kept looking at Gar and his sad eyes and she just couldn't help it. He wanted honesty and she couldn't not give it to him, not with the look on his face. But, now she regrets it because the look of sorrow on his face feels like it's going to be permanent when he looks at her and that's the last thing she wanted. And even Jason is just silent. The kid is literally never silent. He just said what she did was badass last night but apparently giving context, changes the attitude about it.
"As I said, I didn't want to die. It just...ya know?" She furrows her brows, dodging her eyes from the boys as she thinks of how to form her words. "You hit this breaking point at some point where you just can't take it anymore and that's the do or die moment and sometimes that's literal. It was for me. Do or die because I just could not do it anymore. I wanted to escape if that... clarifies anything. I...I just wasn't...given more options."
"Why didn't you use your powers? You said it's because you were afraid he was going to kill you but if that was the plan anyway..." Gar's voice is raised a little like he's upset by what she did which, is fair. But, he's known her for three days and he doesn't have a right to be upset by it.
"I wanted to escape." Sam says and she's been chanting it in her head over and over like an annoying song, trying to convince herself that's all it ever was. "If I used my powers and he happened to have some, too, he'd definitely have killed me. That was the only way I could see to have a shot to live outside of that fucking basement."
"That's so fucked." Jason shakes his head and it's the same reaction he's had all night but is there anything else to say about it? It's all fucked.
"You've said that." Sam nods.
"It is. Still think it's badass you just took it though." Jason shrugs, not quite sure how to process any of it and Gar is taking it very seriously. Based on what Sam has told Jason, he thinks maybe she'll shut down if something quick-witted or sarcastic or snarky isn't said.
Gar gives Jason a disapproving look. It's not badass, not to Gar. It's sad. No one should be out there just shrugging off their possible death to escape a bad situation. Jason was at least right about it being fucked. But it's more than that. There is a deep, almost unbearable ache in Gar's chest looking at Sam and realizing that most of the bruises he can see, including the ones she normally has covered up, are all new. Some of them are finally starting to a yellowish color but most of them are either still purple or blue. It's hitting him how fresh of all that still is to her and maybe she's right that trauma doesn't make people strong but to Gar, she is. To deal with that and come out the other end, willing to trust him and Jason now, after three days is incredible. She doesn't seem desensitized talking to them. It's trust and while he wants to do everything in his power to protect her, he also admires her because he knows he could never have made that life-or-death decision. He would have fought to get out or just taken whatever was given to him.
"Please, don't apologize." Sam says, looking at Gar. She knows he's going to, he has the whole time and she doesn't want or need it. It doesn't make any of it better. "It's not something-" Sam's cut off as Gar just pulls her into a hug and her eyes widen.
The hug is gentle like he's afraid if he gives her a proper hug maybe she'll shatter into a million pieces like fragile porcelain. But it's how he knows to communicate best and it's better than apologizing again or just echoing Jason. This is something distantly Gar. And Sam has a sad smile as she raises her free arm to hug him back and she does like his hugs. They're comforting and he's so warm. She wonders if that's just a Gar thing or if it's the mutant part of him that makes him so warm. But she likes how it quiets the roaring in her head like a tunnel muffling the sounds of rain. She likes that she can feel the warmth through her bones, the constant ache of just existing eases and she doesn't really want him to let go. But then he does because hugs don't last forever.
"Thanks." Sam's smile is shy as she looks at him while he pulls away and Gar's cheeks burn.
Jason has one furrowed brow, Gar glancing over to him. "Don't fucking hug me." Sam bursts out laughing as Jason looks a little too serious. Sometimes Gar gets into a mushy mood and Jason will never admit it, but he does kind of like when Gar gets like that. But, he's trying very hard to break the tension in the room.
"Why would I hug you?" Gar scoffs through a laugh. Jason looks like he would murder anyone that showed any type of physical affection toward him right now. Gar isn't stupid.
"Way to ruin a moment, Jason." Sam's laugh starts to subside.
"You're welcome." Jason huffs, a smirk on his lips.
He didn't really ruin a moment exactly, he did however, break the tension. Shattered, actually. The sadness in the air disappeared with his single comment. Though, Sam wishes she could have known where it would have went with Gar after the hug, just what he would have had to say if anything. But she won't complain for a good laugh.
"So, back at it tomorrow night?" Jason asks, cornered smirk at Sam.
"Fuck yeah." Sam agrees and Gar lets out a defeated sigh. He can tell those two are going to cause trouble together.
"Can I come? Since I know about it now." Gar asks. Maybe he wants to be the look out or help. Or maybe he wants to be there in case Jason gets carried away, not that he thinks he will, but just in case, of course. Or maybe it's just as simple as Gar wanting to hang around Sam some more.
"I'm cool, you?" Sam asks Jason.
"Yeah, of course, man." Jason nods at Gar and they do say they're best friends but this is the first Sam is actually getting see it. She thinks it's cute.
"Awesome, I'm gonna go to bed then, you guys?" Sam asks.
"Yeah," Gar nods with wide eyes as he stands up.
Sam gives Jason a cornered look and Jason would normally stay up, just a little longer. There's no such thing as too much training. But, they did have an eventful night and maybe he could go for a little more rest tonight.
"Yeah, alright." Jason gets up from his spot and the three of them walk to their rooms.
Jason gives them a quick "night" before heading into his room and shutting the door, leaving Gar and Sam. Jason can take a hint. Now, it's just Gar and Sam, standing outside her room and neither of them are sure why. They're going to bed but Sam opening up makes Gar feel closer to her. He'll never understand what she went through but he can try. He can be there if she needs him to even if it's just to scream or sit in silence. It doesn't bother him either way. And Sam likes how calm he makes her. No one's ever been very good at that. She's always had a fire about her and he calms it, not dampens it, just calms it. She likes the way her stomach flips when he smiles at her and how much he listens. The only thing, she wishes he would stop with the sad eyes but maybe he will now that he knows everything. Maybe, hopefully.
"Okay, I'm gonna go to bed. Goodnight, Gar." Sam's smile splits her face as she opens her door, waving at him softly.
"Goodnight, Sam." Gar says as he starts to walk off but before Sam closes her door, he turns around. "If you, uh, can't sleep or have a nightmare..." Gar pauses not really knowing how to phrase it without it sounding presumptuous.
"Gotcha." Sam finishes holding a honey-like smile. "Thank you. Goodnight."
"Goodnight." Gar sucks in a breath and this time, they got to their rooms, doors closing behind them.