part x

i saw her face when i thought of everything

Kahlan woke to the sound of Cara huffing and puffing to herself as she forced her bedroll into compliance. Kahlan sat up and rubbed her eyes, watching Cara for a moment before trying to figure out exactly what she was up to.

"Where are you going?"

"Away from this place," Cara said in rejoinder, but it was a response to which Kahlan only had more questions. However, she was likely able to answer less than half of them. Her heart dropped with the thought of Cara going off on her own, and more importantly she panicked at the idea of being without the Mord-Sith. Without her friend. Without the woman who she had accidentally become far too close with.

"You're leaving me here with Nicci?" Kahlan asked selfishly, to which Cara stopped what she was doing for a moment. They did not meet eyes even though Kahlan's gaze never left the frazzled Mord-Sith.

"I am taking you with me. You have clearly forgotten that we have more important things to do than dance and be merry. The Imperial Order is trying to destroy Aydindril," Cara told her coldly. Kahlan stood up, all notions of sleep aside, and took a few steps toward Cara.

"Is this about last night?"

Cara continued to pack.

"You should be packing your things. The quicker we leave, the easier this will be."

"Cara, I—"

Cara turned around with a fire in her eyes that Kahlan had only seen a few times. It was a madness which melted all of the ice that seemed to live within the Mord-Sith, a flame that licked away at all of the curtness and loyalty and left only rage.

"Do not say another word about it, Mother Confessor. You have already said enough," Cara snapped. "I have already sent word of our anticipated arrival to General Meiffert in the mountains and to Berdine at the People's Palace. We are due back in D'Hara in two weeks, which means we need to leave now."

"Without my consent or my council?"

"I am doing what is best for both of us," Cara told her. "We need to go back to how things were."

"What I did last night—"

"Kahlan—"

"Cara, just listen to me for one moment!" Kahlan shouted with palpable exasperation. Cara visibly stiffened. Kahlan had never yelled at Cara before. Cara had never snapped at Kahlan before. They had always been on the same page, but now it seemed like they were reading two different books.

"What I did last night was unfair. I should not have kissed you. I should not have led you on. It's not that I… I am not ready to let go of being Richard's wife."

"It is forgotten," Cara told her simply, to which Kahlan had to bite back a sigh of frustration. "Now please pack your things so we can leave."

Kahlan stood there and stared at her for a long moment, wondering if she had ruined the one good thing she had remaining in this world. But her heart was bleeding for Richard, the crimson mess making everything look red. It was difficult to see Cara under all the panic, under all the pain, under all the loss.

"What if I don't want to go back?"

"I can't leave you here."

"You should."

"I won't."

How could someone be, all at once, so loyal yet altogether vexing?

—

Nicci was already waiting for them on the outskirts of the village with their horses after Kahlan had said her goodbyes to the Karnor. Kahlan had not expected to be gone so quickly, but Nissel, Sadivalin, and the others understood that she had a duty to attend to, even when she did not wish for it. Looking at Nicci, Kahlan had just barely recognized her, for she had swapped her long, black dress for brown, cloth pants and a brown tunic. Both seemed slightly too big for her, and as a result Nicci now looked far less menacing.

"Tired of black?" Kahlan asked.

"I'm tired of the looks," Nicci replied. "If I am going to stay with you and help, I need to not be so recognizable."

Kahlan was surprised by the answer. "Good thinking."

"Let's go, we have ground to cover before nightfall," Cara told them, taking the reins of the brown horse from Nicci's hands. After pulling herself up and steadying on the steed, Cara did something quite unexpected.

Cara reached a hand down for Nicci to take.

The sorceress looked up at the Mord-Sith in disbelief, clearly at a loss for words. So was Kahlan, who simply stood there and waited for the inevitable argument to break out between the two.

We ride together, always.

"Are you coming, or not? We only have two horses," Cara said in a low voice. Nicci did not look back at Kahlan until she had taken Cara's hand, pulled herself up, and sat behind the Mord-Sith on the saddle. Kahlan knew what it was about, Cara was attempting to distance herself. If that was what Cara needed in order to put last night in the past, then Kahlan would gladly ride on her own.

Kahlan wondered why her heart ached as Nicci held onto Cara's shoulders when she kicked their horse into a gallop across the flat plains of the Wilds.

—

Just across the river from the kingdom of Tamarang, Cara was out in the forest collecting more firewood and Kahlan was busy cooking dinner. Nicci kept looking up from her task of divvying up rations from the Karnor into each of their packs, each time Kahlan caught her staring.

"Say what you would like to say."

"If something between the two of you happened, I would like to help," Nicci offered slowly, as if she regretted the words the instant they came from her mouth. "Watching you two be cold to each other is concerning."

"I'm not going to hold council with you about Cara," Kahlan said incredulously. "It's mine and Cara's business."

"Not when I'm stuck in the middle of it, getting death glares from you while riding with her," Nicci sighed. "I don't proclaim to know either of you that well… but Kahlan, be honest with yourself."

"About what?"

Nicci tilted her head to the side and shot Kahlan a look. "You are two, grown women. I cannot believe either of you cannot seem to figure this out on your own. You could not be more different, but there is one thing you do share—stubbornness."

Kahlan sighed. There was no one else to talk to, and what had happened a few nights ago had been eating away at Kahlan like termites on wood.

"I kissed Cara. It was a mistake."

"Why was it a mistake?"

"I should be mourning my late husband, not trying to get close with Cara."

Nicci nodded. "Perhaps. But why did you do it?"

"Why does anyone do anything like that?"

"To have sex."

Kahlan shook her head and reached forward to stir the aromatic pot of stew with an old, wooden spoon. Nicci had an Old World flair for spices which was growing on Kahlan's tongue.

"I can't do that, especially with Cara. I would kill her."

Nicci mulled the idea around in her head, her pale, blue eyes dropping to look at the low cooking flame.

"So you would, given the chance that wouldn't kill Cara?"

Kahlan felt her face grow ten times hotter, and pulling away from the fire did nothing to help her. "Cara and I together? That's ridiculous."

"Is it, Mother Confessor?"

"I'm in love with Richard," Kahlan replied fervently.

"Yes, but that love is no longer reciprocated. You can no longer get anything from Richard except what you already have."

"That does not mean I should go around kissing his Mord-Sith."

"I have only been traveling with you for a month, and even though she hates me, I can clearly see that Cara is not just your Mord-Sith. She is your companion. You are not just 'going around and kissing his Mord-Sith.' You have made a connection with Cara. It's a hard world we live in, Kahlan. People who will follow us to the ends of the earth and back are rare to find."

Kahlan had no idea what to say, so she tapped the wooden spoon on the lip of the cooking pot a few times and sent tin rings into the evening. The fact that Nicci had been watching her so closely was unnerving to say the least.

"I'm being selfish. I shouldn't have done that with Cara in the first place. I don't care about her in that way," Kahlan mumbled, but Nicci rolled her eyes.

"Then why did you kiss her?"

There was a rustling in the trees before Kahlan could answer—as always, Cara had come to her rescue. The look on her face when she saw Kahlan was as impassive as it had been since that night. In her strong arms was a bundle of fresh firewood, which she promptly let tumble to the ground near Nicci, then sat down beside the sorceress.

"It smells good," Cara said idly, not looking Kahlan in the eye. "Will it be ready soon?"

"In time," Kahlan nodded. They returned to pretending nothing ever happened, but Kahlan knew then that everything had changed. What made it worse, however, was what she had confessed to Nicci. Saying it aloud made the situation far different to what Kahlan thought it was. She did not have the excuse of being drunk like Cara had been… so what was her excuse? Why had she done this thing that she apparently had no motive to do?

Kahlan did not have answers tonight. All she knew was the aching, burning feeling that came with not being able to sit beside Cara and be merry, like they had been.

—

They had just begun to pack up their camp the next morning when a messenger on horseback arrived, the page donning the blood red waffenrock of D'Hara. Kahlan rose instantly and, before Cara could, took the letter from the messenger with a quick word of thanks. It was the first correspondence they had received since Cara had sent word from Altur'Rang.

"What does it say?" Cara asked, her eyes suddenly staring directly at Kahlan, her arms crossed and waiting for an answer.

"It's from Zedd," Kahlan said in a low voice, reading as she attempted to summarize the letter. "They have continued the war effort in the mountains and have made advances on the Imperial Order's troops. It's not much, but it sounds like progress."

"What do they say about Richard?"

"That we will speak about it in person, but that they don't know how to go about electing a new Lord Rahl."

Cara's face twisted up in confusion. "We have Nathan, it should be easy. They should have done that a month ago."

"They wanted my say in it, which I am not there to give. Zedd wants to speak in person, at the People's Palace."

"Then I suppose we're going to D'Hara," Cara said affirmatively, tossing her pack over her shoulder. She nodded once to Kahlan, then went to take care of the horses. Kahlan was about to shoot her a quip or reach out to pat her shoulder, but Cara made sure that she was quick enough to avoid it all.

—

The weeks of travel until they arrived at the People's Palace had been some of the most terrible that Kahlan had ever endured. Not only was this spring colder than it had been in years, but Cara outright refused to speak with Kahlan unless it was a matter of business. As if to further dig the knife into her belly, Cara had elected that either she ride on her own, or Nicci ride with her, and to her irritation Kahlan could rarely determine if she would rather ride alone or ride with the irksome sorceress.

What was even more infuriating was how well she and Nicci were getting along. In the absence of Cara's friendship, Kahlan had foolishly turned to Nicci for words of companionship. Nicci was nowhere near the friend that Cara was, but she was a warm body who spoke intelligently. Kahlan had to admit, however, that the more she learned about Nicci's past by way of the meager crumbs which the sorceress gave to her here and there, the more she realized why Richard had wanted to protect her. What Nicci had done still lit an angry fire inside of Kahlan, but she knew now that Nicci had also hurt like she had, and perhaps even worse.

Kahlan had much trepidation about seeing D'Hara again. It had been first a symbol of evil, and then a symbol of Richard. Now, she was returning with the Sword of Truth on her back and Richard's right hand Mord-Sith at her side, but no Richard. Now, D'Hara felt like a skeleton to her.

But Cara's face was beaming, Nicci on the horse behind her holding on. They had also become close, considering that Nicci had spent several horse rides with Cara. Kahlan could not explain the jealousy that bit at her when she saw how Nicci wrapped herself around Cara, but she shoved it down. Kahlan could not be jealous when she was the one to deny what she had done.

"Just as we left it," Kahlan said to the empty castle atrium. As they arrived, Zedd was coming down the stairs rather quickly, not saying a word until he reached Kahlan and pulled her in for an embrace.

"He's really gone," Zedd told her so only Kahlan could hear. "I never thought I would lose my grandson before I lost myself. He had everything ahead of him. You had a whole life ahead of you with him, dear one."

"Let's speak of brighter things, for now," Kahlan told him, pulling away and holding Zedd by the arms. "Which Mord-Sith are here?"

"Rikka and the team she brought to Verna and Warren's wedding, including Berdine who was already here, and now Cara. That's about sixteen."

"I will see the Mord-Sith in the throne room in an hour. Red leathers," Kahlan said to Cara. "Please."

Cara clasped her hands in front of her, nodded once, and climbed up the stairs to alert the other girls. Once she was gone, Kahlan turned to Nicci.

"This is Nicci, she was the one who captured Richard and forced him to Altur'Rang. As per his final request, she is here with us. Feel free to love her or hate her… she is her own woman, now," Kahlan told Zedd, who was too busy looking back and forth between Nicci and Kahlan to determine what exactly the relationship was. "Do what you like, Nicci. I have taken you as far as I would like, it's up to you what you do now."

"Thank you, Mother Confessor," Nicci answered reverently. "For now, I would just like a bed."

"I'll have someone show you to your room," Kahlan said, signaling one of the palace staff to assist the sorceress. "I need to rest a bit as well, Zedd. We'll speak later."

The wizard nodded and hugged Kahlan again before she ascended the stairs in search of her bed. Their bed, at least it used to be. When she came to the master bedchamber and closed the door behind her, shooing the staff away at every turn, the shutting sounded like a death knell. It was her alone, after all this time, and Kahlan could not help but sink to the floor and cry.

It was everything, really. Seeing the bed without Richard's bare, outstretched form in it had her sobbing first. The feeling that he would no longer walk the halls of the People's Palace, that he would never set foot on this earth again, the overwhelming notion that he was gone forever. Kahlan was convinced it was a love of a lifetime, a love she would never have again. Richard had always been by her side.

But he hadn't. In the year they had been together, there had been so much time apart. It occurred to Kahlan that she had not gotten much of a chance to know Richard at all—all she knew was that she loved him. There was nothing that could be done now, there was no bringing him back no matter how large of a hole he left in the world. Seeing all of his friends and family again felt like walking the halls of a tomb. Kahlan wished so desperately that she could be in Aydindril, among her own people, instead of in the shell of Richard's life.

Kahlan took a deep breath and closed her eyes. It was not Richard's face she saw, however. It was Cara's. Cara's smile, Cara's body under the waterfall. Cara's cuts and scars. Cara's form in front of her on the horse. Cara's careful touch wiping away her blood. When she thought of care, the last person she should have pictured was a Mord-Sith.

But Cara was not just a Mord-Sith, she was her friend. She was the one person Kahlan could trust. And she was the only person Kahlan wanted in her arms right now.

What did that make them?