It's February. I can't believe how quickly this last month has gone. The days seem to be flying by, and I've really been looking forward to going to school each day. Just a couple more years and I'll be out of this place and heading to uni! I'm really nervous, but excited. I love my mum and Nellie but I can't wait to be out on my own, doing what I want, when I want.

Today we're playing lacrosse in P.E., and while I'm out on the field I look over toward the running track. I've never noticed before, but Charlie has P.E. at the same time as I do. While we're playing, I see Charlie's class running a race and he is a full three metres ahead of all the other boys. Blimey, I had no idea he could run so fast. I stand at the fence, ignoring the game I'm supposed to be playing, and watch as he absolutely smokes everyone else in his class. Suddenly I have an idea.

That afternoon I set off to find him at his locker. I come round the corner and see him in front of me. "I've been looking for you!" I say, coming up from behind him.

Ben is standing with him. That's strange. I didn't know they knew each other. They're standing very close and they both seem put off, I wonder if they're having an argument.

"Er … is everything all right? I didn't know you knew Ben."

Charlie gives me a nervous smile "Erm … yes?"

"We'll talk later, Charlie." Ben says before turning on his heel and walking away. What an asshole.

"Why are you friends with Ben Hope? He's kind of a dick."

"We're not friends!" Charlie almost shouts in a panicked sort of voice. Then, more quietly he says "I … help him with his maths homework?"

I hesitate, it seems like Charlie isn't telling the whole truth, but to be honest it's not really any of my business so I just say "okay" then I carry on with the reason I came to see him.

"So … anyway … I have something to ask you!"

Charlie looks at me with his big blue eyes and my brain runs away without my permission. What did I want to say to him again?

Charlie, I want to spend more time with you. I really like you. I want us to be friends, like real proper friends who hang out. Maybe if you join the team we'll see each other more.

Honestly I'm so confused. It's … it's almost like I have felt when I've had crushes on girls in the past. I have this feeling like I just want to be near him as much as possible? I've never felt that way about any of my mates before, not even my closest ones.

Maybe it's just because he's so different from all the other boys I know. Charlie isn't loud or pushy, and he seems to really care about his friends and family. I think he might become the best friend I've ever had, if I get the chance to spend some time with him. I focus on what I was trying to say and push all the rest of my thoughts to the back of my mind.

What I say out loud is "Do you want to join the rugby team? We're short a player! Everyone seems to prefer football…"

Please say yes.

"Er … well … I don't really know how to play, I don't even watch it on TV".

"That's okay! I'll teach you!"

Please say yes.

"But … Why me?"

"I saw you run in P.E. You're really fast!"

Please say yes.

He looks at his shoes for a moment, and one of his dark curls falls into his face. I barely stop myself from reaching up and brushing the curl out of his eyes. I've definitely never wanted to do that for one of my mates before. I put my hands in my pockets instead, ignoring the unusual impulse to reach out and touch him.

"Erm … aren't I a bit small and weak for rugby?"

I don't know what to say. I think for a moment and then come up with "Well, this is only a school team".

"So you're saying I'm weak?" He laughs.

"NO!" I'm about to explain more when we're interrupted by the school bell. Again. I swear I'm beginning to hate that bell.

"FUCK", says Charlie. "I'm missing my drum lesson!"

"The bell?" I ask, even though I heard it too. "Lunch is over already?"

He nods as he's gathering his belongings to rush off to his music lesson "Can I think about it?"

Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes.

Please say yes.

PLEASE say yes.

"Yeah, sure!"

"I'll see you later!"

I watch him walk away, and all I can think is "He plays the drums? That is so cool".

He said yes.

A week later I'm in the locker room getting ready for practice. Today is Charlie's first day on the team, but he's not here yet. I hope he hasn't changed his mind. While we're getting dressed some of the boys are questioning me about asking him to join the team.

"Charlie Spring though?"

"Yes?" I say, wondering what they could possibly have against him. They all start talking at once.

"Why him, though?"

"He's a fucking stick!"

"Like, I know he's popular, everyone loves him, but can he even play?"

"I'm sure he's a nice guy, but we actually want to be good!"

"Does he even like sports? Everyone knows he's gay!"

I sit there tying my shoes, trying to figure out why him being gay means he can't like sports. They're being so loud and he should be here any second, I hope he doesn't hear any of this.

The locker room door creaks open, and Charlie puts his head in. The look on his face tells me he definitely heard at least some of what they were saying.

"HEY!" I jump up and give him a welcoming smile.

"Hey" he replies, looking nervous but determined.

We get changed and head out toward the field. On the way out I explain the basics of rugby. First I go over all of the different ways to score goals. I get to the last one and look at Charlie.

"THIS IS A LOT OF INFORMATION" he says, sounding like he's regretting his decision already. I hurry to reassure him.

"You'll probably pick it up after a few games."

"I hope you're prepared for me to be absolute crap."

"You might be better than me for all we know!"

"CHARLIE SPRING!" calls a new voice.

We both look over to see who's shouting Charlie's name and see Miss Singh. She's our P.E. teacher, and our rugby coach. It's pretty great because she used to play semi-pro. She's a very good coach, she keeps us on track but she's never unkind or too tough on us. She looks Charlie up and down.

"So you're the chosen one" she says with a smile.

Charlie doesn't know how to respond so he just kind of stands there and stammers. She asks him some questions, and when it's clear that Charlie doesn't know the first thing about rugby, she tells me to take this practice to teach him the basics. I get a little flutter in my stomach. I don't understand that, I've taught plenty of guys how to play rugby, the thought of it has never made me nervous before. I cross my arms over my chest, tucking my hands under my biceps.

"Sure!" I say enthusiastically, hoping that neither of them sees how the thought of spending that much time alone with Charlie makes me feel … how does it make me feel? I'm not really sure. Excited? Scared? Happy? Confused?

Really confused.

I teach him how to throw a pass and he gets it right pretty quickly. He's so cute when I tell him he did well, it's like he doesn't believe me. I give his cheeks a little squeeze.

"You're a natural" I say, and then I drop my hand quickly. His cheeks are warm and I can still almost feel the softness of his skin under my fingers. I turn away a little. "So, we've covered passing, and scoring,we've got about 15 minutes left so … Do you want to give tackling a go?"

Charlie's face freezes. "... Tackling?"

I hold the ball up to my chest and grin at him. "It's not too hard, watch the guys, they're playing a match right now." We both look up at the rest of the team just as one of the boys lands a spectacular tackle on another.

"You just have to take the player with the ball down by grabbing them below their shoulders. Want to give it a go?"

He watches the boys throwing each other around the ruby pitch and then glances at me, his nerves showing again

"I am definitely way too weak to do that."

"Excuse me - where is your 'can do' attitude?" I drop the ball and stand in front of him."Give it a go. Just run at me. I won't dodge!" He's got a look on his face that says that he's halfway decided to just leave and never come back. I need to get him through this one thing. If he does this then he'll stay on the team, I know it. "Go onnnn. I bet you can do it."

"...Fine"

I take a few steps away from him and then stretch my arms out, making myself the easiest target possible. I know he can do this. I want him to do this. I need him to do this. I wait while he mentally prepares himself, and for a second I wonder if he's going to be able to do it. And then he's running toward me, and then his arms are around my waist, and then we're both on the ground. He hit me with surprising force considering his size, he really is very fast. He actually managed to get both of my feet off the ground before we went down.

We're laying on the grass now, and his arms are still wrapped around me, his head on my chest, and my stomach does a little flip again. I wonder if I'm getting ill. I ignore it.

"That was perfect!"

"Was it?"

Charlie's cheeks are pink now. He quickly sits up, removing his arms from around me. Is his blush exertion from running around? Or is it something else? He looks really nice, all flushed and sweaty from the game. I kind of liked having his arms around me for that moment. I kind of want to feel that again.

Jesus. I really need to get a girlfriend.

I get control of my brain and stand up "Let's try it again while running!"

*****

Over the next week Charlie trains with the team every day. The other rugby lads start seeing what I saw. He's a fast runner and he's good with the ball. He's fitting in with most of them too. The whole team seems to really like him.

After one particularly hard practice I notice that his curls have lost all sense of propriety. His hair is all over the place, even more than usual, and it looks so wild and free. My hair never does that, it's straight and kind of dark blonde or maybe just light brown. His black hair is almost blue in the sun, and the way the light shines through his wayward ringlets is captivating. I want to touch that hair. Instead I laugh with him.

"Your hair's sticking up!"

"Is it?!" Charlie reaches a hand up and pats his hair, as if to flatten it. "I was thinking about cutting it."

"WHAT?"

"What?"

"It'd just -" I don't know what to say. I try to imagine Charlie without his curls and my brain refuses to accept it as a possibility. "It'd be a big change!"

As we walk back toward the locker rooms Charlie, still struggling to get his hair back in line, asks me if he's any good at rugby.

"Of course you are!" I tell him sincerely. And he is. I'm really glad he joined the team.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Doesn't he believe me? I wouldn't lie to him. "Why?"

His words pour out in a rush and I realise he's been feeling very anxious about this. "I'M JUST A BIT SCARED OF LETTING EVERYONE DOWN AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHETHER THEY LIKE ME OR WANT ME ON THE TEAM OR … yeah. It's silly."

It's not silly. I feel really bad. I wish I could let him know how great he is, but I don't know if he would even believe me. I mean, yeah he's good at rugby. But it's more than that. He's nice, and smart, and funny. Everyone loves him. But, of course, I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for myself. Before I say anything he starts talking again, this time it's very quiet and I'm glad that I'm standing close to him so I can hear.

"All of the older boys kinda remind me of the people who used to bully me." I wonder if any of those boys are on the team. I wonder if he would tell me if they were. I wonder whose ass I'll have to kick if they're mean to my friend ever again.

"Well I like you and want you on the team!"

He laughs "Good!"

I hope I've helped him feel a little better.

We get back to the locker room and start changing clothes. Under the oversized school uniforms and baggy jumpers he wears, Charlie is quite thin. After a few moments I realise that I'm staring at him so I turn around and start changing.

"Is there anything you think you want to practise a bit more?"

He doesn't answer.

I look up.

"Charlie?"

He's buttoning up his shirt and looking at his phone. He seems upset. I remember his confrontation with Ben last week. I hope Ben isn't bullying him, I'll have to set him right if he is. Maybe he's making Charlie do his homework for him?

"You okay?" I wait. He still doesn't answer. "Charlie?"

"What?" he says, finally looking up at me. His blue eyes are shining. He's not crying, but he's obviously apprehensive about something.

"You okay?" I ask again. I hope it's nothing too bad. I hope he tells me whatever it is. I don't like him looking like this, I like the smile he was wearing a little while ago much more.

"Y-yeah - sorry - just got a text from - er- I'm meeting up with someone after this. Sorry!"

"O … kay" I say. He puts his coat on and leaves the locker room. Something is obviously very wrong.

I hurry and put my shirt on and finish getting dressed. I'm out a few minutes after him, but I see the door to the music block closing and assume he must have gone in there. Why, though? Maybe he forgot his drumsticks? I'm following him before I even notice what I'm doing. I just want to make sure he's okay.

I enter the building and look round, I don't see him, but I'm sure this is where he went. I start walking down the hall when I hear a voice saying, "YOU went for it, too. Don't be angry at me for not wanting to come out yet."

Is that Ben? Did he say come out? Are they dating? Oh my god is Charlie secretly going out with Ben? Why would he be with that asshole?

I hear Charlie's voice responding, but I only catch bits of what he's saying. "... about that! … my feelings at all! … When you feel like making out with a boy!"

This sounds private, maybe I should leave? Instead, I take a few steps closer.

"I could be ANYONE! You don't give a shit!"

Ben says something too quietly for me to hear. And then there's Charlie again.

"It IS true! … finally a gay boy … get off with."

I really should leave. I really should let them have their privacy. I take a few steps closer. Was that something slamming against the wall? And then I hear Charlie again, and now he's not just angry, he's scared too.

"Stop it! Don't!"

Ben's voice says "You're so hot when you're angry", and I see red. I drop my bag and go rushing into the room. Ben's got Charlie pinned against the wall and he's kissing him while Charlie pushes and fights back. "Come on, Charlie," Ben gasps between forced kisses, "I really like you".

"Stop it", Charlie says, but now his voice is so quiet, like he's decided that fighting back isn't worth it. Like he's decided he isn't worth it. "Stop…", Charlie says again.

And then I have Ben's shirt in my hands and I'm yanking him away from Charlie.

"What the-" Ben says in shock.

I throw him against the wall. It takes all of my strength to stay where I am, standing between him and Charlie, because all I want to do is hit him over and over again. How dare he. How dare he hurt my friend. My voice is a shout, filled with anger and disgust at Ben's actions. "He told you to stop, you fucking prick!"

Ben moves forward from the wall, his face filled with rage. I make sure I'm standing right in front of Charlie. I need him to know that Ben's going to have to go through me if he wants to try anything else.

"Go on then, FUCK OFF", I shout at Ben. He gives us one last look of disgust and fury and then turns and walks away.

When I know he isn't turning around and coming back I turn to check on Charlie. I step closer to him and put a hand on his back. Charlie looks up at me and his face is tear streaked.

"Are you okay?" I ask him, even though he's very obviously not okay.

"I'm fine", he says, making a nervous gesture with his hands.

"Are you sure?"

"... Did you hear all of that?"

The sound of their argument replays in my ears. I keep hearing Charlie's voice getting smaller as he tells Ben to stop.

"Well … most of it." I shrug and run my hand through my hair. Is he mad at me for following him? "I just … kind of followed you … You seemed really stressed out while we were getting changed. I just started getting worried … er … so … yeah". I blush a little as I look at him. "I just wanted to make sure everything was okay." I'm facing him now, and we're standing very close. The room seems very small all of a sudden.

Charlie looks at me with wide eyes. And then he looks chagrined and gazes down at his shoes again. "S-sorry"

"You have NOTHING to be sorry about!" I take a step closer and take in Charlie's expression. He looks ashamed and I don't understand. He hasn't done anything wrong.

He looks up at me with a shy smile. "Sorry!"

I smile back at him and everything feels a little more right. "You know, you say sorry a lot."

He stands in front of me, speechless for a moment and by the look on his face I know what he's thinking.

I laugh quietly. Are we standing closer now? How did that happen?

"Don't say it."

"I kinda wanna say it."

I point a finger at him and lean in. We're both laughing now and I say, "Don't!"

Our faces are inches apart. Have I ever stood this close to one of my mates before? No, the only person I remember ever standing this close to was Tara Jones, the only girl I've ever kissed.

Why am I thinking about that right now?

Okay I need to focus. What was I doing? Getting us out of here. That's right. Breathe Nick, time to head out. I reach up and pat Charlie's shoulder. "Come on," I say, leading us toward the doors, "we'll get locked in if we stay here much longer."

We get to the exit of the school and we're the last two people there. We stand together for a long moment before he says, "I have to go this way."

Damn, I'm going the other way. Should I walk him home? Will that make him feel better or embarrass him? Will Ben be waiting for him somewhere? No, he would never risk doing something to Charlie so publicly, too many people would wonder why. From what I could tell from their argument, I don't think Ben wants people asking too many questions.

Once I decide Charlie will be safe on his own, I say, "Yeah, I'm going the other way."

We wave to each other and walk in opposite directions. I head to meet my mum, lost in thought, barely seeing the pavement in front of me.

In the car on the way home I'm gazing out of the window. It's a nice day for February, cold, but clear. I remember the leaves that were dancing in the breeze the morning I met Charlie. I can almost see them fluttering around outside my window now.

I hear my mum speak but I don't really process her words until she calls my name again. She's asking if practice went okay.

"Mmhmm", I say vaguely.

I'm thinking of how I can make Charlie smile again. I never want to see him looking as hurt and upset as he did today. I also think about how much I want to murder Ben, but I know if I confront him, all that will do is upset Charlie. I won't do that to him, no matter how much I want to.

Dear Nan,

You remember I told you about my friend Charlie? He finally started on the rugby team this week. He's doing really well. I'm so glad I convinced him to join. You were right, he felt safe joining because he trusts me.

Today I interrupted someone being horrible to him. I'm glad I was there. He was bullied a lot last year and now I feel terrible that we weren't friends then. I would have stopped people being mean to him. I hope you'll get to meet him soon, maybe he'll be over at Easter and you can meet him then. He's really a lovely person and I think you'll like him as much as I do.

School is going well, or at least I'm passing all of my classes. I'm really enjoying this term, but I'll be excited when the year is over and I get a bit of a break. Just two more years before I head off to Uni, I can't really believe it's coming so soon. I hope I'm good enough to make the rugby team at whatever university I end up going to, but I'll remember what you said and keep up with my schoolwork too. I can't get by on rugby alone.

I hope you and your friends are having a lovely week, and I can't wait to see you again.

Love you so much!

Nicky