In my bedroom that night I sit on my bed and open my laptop. I find Charlie's Insta profile pretty quickly. There's a picture of him from the year before and while I'm looking at it, I remember when I first heard his name. One of my mates stopped me in the hall and said "Hey did you hear some year nine has come out as gay?"

"Huh? No?" I say. We haven't had any out gay boys at Truham before, but it makes sense that at least some of the students are.

"Yeah, d'you know Charlie Spring from 9th? Apparently he's gay."

"Where did you hear that?"

"It's going round the whole school."

One of the other boys chimes in "He's been getting a lot of shit for it, I think."

I remember all the times my friends had used gay as an insult, or used slurs meant to demean gay people, and I feel bad for never stopping them.

The first boy speaks again "I mean, this is an all-boys school! What did he expect?"

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything at all.

Now I remember that and I feel ashamed. I look out of my bedroom window hearing my friend's voice echoing in my mind, "What did he expect?"

The night is clear and stars fill the sky. My window is full of a whole universe of beauty and wonder. I look at the stars for a long time. I wonder what I would have expected, if I had been in Charlie's position.

What did he expect?

I imagine he expected to do what any other kid our age did. Get up, hang out with friends, maybe date someone, maybe fall in love. He expected to be able to go to school without being bullied. He expected to be able to just live his life.

Looking back at my computer I open the message window and start typing. I don't know what I want to say, exactly, so I just type out the first thought in my mind and see how it sounds.

N -- Hey so what happened seemed really serious.

No, I can't send that. He knows it's serious, I don't need to tell him. I press the backspace button until the words are gone.

N -- I don't think you should talk to Ben anymore.

It's true, but do I have the right to tell him that? What if he gets mad and stops speaking to me? I don't want that, Charlie is the best friend I've made in years. I delete that as well.

Finally I go with something that I hope is casual, while still getting my concern across.

N -- Hey, I just wanted to check you're okay. Ben's such a dick!!!

I almost didn't add that last sentence but it's true so I left it.

I get a message back almost immediately.

C -- yeah, I'm fine, don't worry! :)

But I am worried. And I think he might just be trying to make me feel better, he seems like the kind of person who might hide his struggles to make people around him feel more comfortable.

N -- You sure??

I see the little dots that tell me he's typing and I wait. Then they go away and he hasn't replied yet. They come and go a few more times. After a few minutes of this, I can't help myself, I message him again.

N -- You can talk to me about it if you want?

N -- Sounds like a pretty serious situation

And again …

N -- But you don't have to

N -- If you don't want to

And again.

N -- But I am your friend and I do care

Ok that's enough double texting, I think to myself. If he doesn't reply then I'll see him at school in the morning. I hope I'm not bothering him, I just … I need him to know that I do care, and that I'm here for him. I watch my screen for what feels like an eternity, even though it's only been five minutes since I sent my first message.

Charlie finally replies, and I feel like a weight has been lifted from me before I even read what he says. I was so afraid that I'd crossed a line into things that weren't my business. I was so afraid he was just going to block me.

I want to be there for Charlie, to let him know that I'm his friend. But I don't want him to think I'm trying to tell him how to live his life. If he wants to be with Ben, who am I to stop him? I hope he knows he deserves better than that prick, though.

He says that it may be a long story and I tell him I don't mind. And I don't, after all I don't have anything more important to do tonight than talk to my friend about what he's going through. It's so important to have someone to talk to when you're going through difficult times.

In a series of DMs, Charlie tells me about how after he was outed Ben found him and told him how he was brave and stuff, and then Ben kissed him. I guess after that Ben would often text him where to meet and they would make out secretly. He told Charlie he didn't want to come out and after what he'd been through Charlie understood that. He thought that Ben cared about him, that Ben was his boyfriend. But then he found out Ben was dating some girl and in the end he was really just using Charlie. He told me he tried to end it but Ben kept messaging him so he decided to try one more time in person, and that brought us to today.

Fuck, I hate Ben so much.

N -- FUCK I hate Ben so much. I knew he was a dick but … jesus. Please don't ever talk to him again.

C -- I definitely won't!!!!

N -- I will kick his ass if he tries to come near you

I don't know if I should have said that, but I wanted Charlie to know that I was in his corner, no matter what.

C -- Thank you for being there

N -- In general or in the music building?

C -- Well…

C -- both

N -- Not a problem

I add a smiley emoji and a heart emoji. I hit send before I can stop myself.

The dots that say he's typing show up and disappear again a few times. I'm almost holding my breath. I'm so happy to be talking to him, I don't want it to end. I breathe deeply and let myself feel, for just a second, how much I like him. And then the confusion overwhelms me and I push all of my feelings down deep.

Charlie is gay, but I'm not. I know I'm not. I've had so many crushes on girls, there's no way I'm gay. Charlie is just my friend and I need to make sure I'm not leading him on. The last thing he needs after what Ben did to him is his friend messing with his emotions. And anyway even if I was gay, and I'm sure I'm not, I don't think he sees me like that at all. I mean sure, he's really nice to me, but he's really nice to everyone. He's got loads of friends and he's pretty popular with the rest of the students. The ones who aren't complete prats anyway.

My computer pings and I look down to see a single heart emoji next to Charlie's name. I feel myself smile, and my heart does a little skip again. I close my computer, lay back in bed, and try to figure out what is happening in my brain that makes that little heart feel so big.

The next day in form I come up behind him while he's writing in his journal. His curls are particularly fluffy today, and I ruffle his hair with my fingertips.

I take my seat next to him and we start another school day. He seems to be ok and I hope Ben hasn't still been giving him a hard time. I don't want to bring it up though, not where other people might overhear, so we just talk about what classes we have for the day and other small things.

Later that day, I text him.

N -- I am so bored!

His reply pops up almost immediately

C -- Me too! Didn't we learn all these things last term?

N -- It doesn't get better. It feels like I've learned the same things for the last 10 terms in a row.

And he replies, and then I do. And that's how we spend the next few weeks. Hundreds of messages about everything and nothing. We eat lunch together a lot. We tell each other it's so he can help me with my maths and I can help him with his rugby, and we do talk about those things, but mostly we just like spending time together.

Charlie tells me about his family. His big sister Tori, who goes to Higgs, seems really nice. When he talks about her it's clear that she does everything she can to take care of him. Which is good because when he talks about his parents, that sadness that I sometimes see in him creeps into his face. They're not awful parents, but it seems like maybe they're just not sure how to be supportive of him. Well, his mum at least, his dad seems alright, but he mentions a few frustrating conversations with his mum. I'm so glad I'm close to my mum, but I also know what it's like to have a parent who doesn't exactly get you.

My dad is closer to my brother David than he is to me, and that's fine. I'm not really like either of them. Dad's very focused on his work, which is why he and mum got divorced and now he lives in a whole other country. David is … well … to be honest, he reminds me a lot of Harry. They're both self-obsessed dicks who think they're better than everyone else.

Charlie also tells me about his little brother Oliver. I don't have any younger siblings and I hope I get to meet Oliver someday because he seems very cool. Any kid who is obsessed with Mario Kart and tractors is okay in my book.

We have practice most days and it's nice to run and laugh with Charlie. More than once I find him running in the wrong direction and pick him up to face him the right way. He's very easy to lift, he's really light.

Since the night I pulled Ben off of him I've been feeling a lot of things that I don't really understand. I've tried not to think about it much and just be his friend. I've had a lot of mates, but none I've enjoyed spending time with as much as Charlie.

One day in March I'm telling Charlie about the cheesecake I made my nan for Christmas. I'm scrolling through my phone to find a picture when we come across the picture of Nellie I took on the first day back after Christmas break. He grabs my hand to stop me scrolling and says, "Wait, who's that?"

"Oh! That's just my dog." I laugh at her cute puppy grin and tilt the phone so Charlie can see her. He leans in to get a better look and he's so close to me that I can barely breathe.

"You have a dog?" He asks.

"Yeah!", I reply. "Her name's Nellie! She's pretty old, but I love her."

I scroll through my phone, showing Charlie a few more pictures.

Charlie sounds a little sad when he says, "I wish I had a dog. My parents don't like animals."

"You should come to my house to meet her!" I've had lots of friends over on weekends, it makes sense to invite Charlie over. Besides, we keep getting interrupted by that damned bell. I want to spend a whole day with him, and if I have to use Nellie as an excuse I will. She won't mind a bit.

"S-seriously?"

"Yeah! Are you free Saturday?"

"I think so!"

I pull out a fresh sheet of paper and my fountain pen. Thankfully, this time it doesn't leak all over me, and I neatly write my address down for him. Charlie takes one look at the paper and exclaims that he only lives a ten minute walk from me. Only a few streets over. He's been so close this whole time.

"Saturday, then?"

Saturday morning I wake up earlier than I normally do on a weekend. I get up and brush Nellie out. After all she's about to have company, she needs to look her best.

I take a shower, brush my teeth, and straighten up the house. Mum looks at me curiously.

"You're very productive for a Saturday."

"Oh, yeah. I've got a friend coming over, didn't I tell you?"

"No, but that's ok." She keeps watching me as I wipe down the counter where I'd splashed some tea. "Is it a girl you have coming over?"

I don't turn around. "No," I say honestly, "it's my friend Charlie. He saw a picture of Nellie and he's not allowed to have a pet so I invited him round to meet her."

Mum's already looking at her computer again. "Well, she is a very good dog."

A little while later my doorbell rings. Nellie and I both rush to the front door. When I open it Charlie is there, smiling shyly at me.

"Hey!"

"Hey"

Is he blushing a little? Well it is literally freezing out, it's probably the cold that's done it.

Nellie lets out a little bark and thumps her tail.

"This is Nellie."

Charlie takes one look at her and his whole face lights up. He kneels down and uses both hands to give her a good scratch. Nellie's tail is wagging. She's definitely loving the attention. I'm looking down at the two of them and I notice something.

"Did … did you-"

Charlie stands and looks up at me curiously.

I reach out with one hand and run my fingers through the side of his hair. "Did you get a haircut?"

He reaches up and touches his hair self consciously. "Erm … yeah. I-is it bad?"

"No no! It-you look-erm-great!"

I realise we're still just standing in the doorway. "Okay come in or Nellie will think we're going for a walk."

"Okay."

I'm only wearing a t-shirt and jeans, so I shiver as I shut the front door. "It's so cold!"

"I heard it's gonna snow!"

"Oh my God, snow?!" It snows sometimes here, but not very often. I love when it does though, it makes everything so beautiful to look at.

I shut the door behind me while Charlie takes off his coat.

"So, this is my house!"

In the kitchen mum gives Charlie a cup of tea. "It's chilly out there, drink this and warm up a bit."

Charlie accepts it gratefully and I show him around my house. Nellie sticks by his side as he explores my room.

"Are those fairy lights?" He asks with a delighted laugh pointing at the strand of golden lights strung up along my wall over my bedroom windows.

"Erm … yeah. I put them up for Christmas a few years ago and I really liked how they look so I never took them down." I'm a little embarrassed, but I also switch them on and switch off the overhead light. My whole bedroom glows with a soft warm light. "Also," I say, forcing myself to stop looking at how the lights play on Charlie's hair and face, "they're perfect when I'm playing video games and watching movies. They make it easier to see what's on the screen."

"Oh?" Charlie asks, and I turn my eyes to him again. He's looking back at me, and I wish I knew what he was thinking. I wish I knew what I was thinking. It's as though the whole world is holding its breath.

Then Nellie runs up and starts pawing at my leg and it's like a spell is broken. I pick her up with a laugh and bring her over to Charlie so he can pet her. He does. She licks his nose and we both laugh some more.

A little while later we're still laughing together on the living room couch as he absolutely crushes me at Mario Kart. After six devastating losses I lean back and groan.

"How are you so good at this!?"

"I have a six-year-old brother. Mario Kart is my life. And," he points a finger at me, "you get to be good at real sports. I get to be good at fake ones."

"You're just good at everything, you nerd!"

"I am so not good at everything."

"You so are! Let's see, you're good at video games, sports, maths, essays, making friends, playing the drums."

Charlie reaches over and playfully covers my mouth to stop me talking. I think I'm going to have to get him used to people saying nice things about him.

We're kind of wrestling on the couch, his hand covering my mouth, me laughing and trying to keep talking, when he looks out the window and his whole expression changes. His eyes go wide and his jaw drops a little, and all of his features seem to lighten. Like all at once everything is a little less heavy and a little more magical.

I look at him with questioning eyes, which is the best I can do at the moment, seeing as how his hand is still over my mouth.

"It's snowing," he breathes. He drops his hand and we both turn to the window to see the fresh white flakes falling from the sky. We both have the idea at the same time. We jump up from the couch at almost the same moment and look at each other, then we rush to the door so we can get ready to go and play in the snow.

Charlie has the jacket he wore to come over, but nothing else really appropriate to spend time in the snow, so I let him wear one of my hoodies and a knitted hat. The hoodie is far too big on him, and we laugh at how he looks in it. He thinks he looks absurd but I assure him that he is nothing short of adorable.

We head out the back door and Nellie comes with us. She loves to play in the snow and doesn't get to do it nearly often enough. She runs down the stairs and into our back garden, the back gate of which leads to a bit of a wooded area. It's a nice place to go for walks, and now with a fresh layer of snow, the whole garden and wood looks like a magical place.

I'm so glad Charlie is here with me for this.

We play in the snow like we're little kids again. We spin in circles and catch snowflakes on our tongues. Charlie chases Nellie around and she has a ball kicking up little tufts of snow as she runs around trees and over little grassy mounds.

Charlie reaches down like he's going to pet Nellie and I can't see what he's doing. When he stands he turns around and throws a snowball at me! He's got an excellent throw too, if I didn't put my hands up he'd have knocked my hat right off my head.

"Oh it's like that, is it?!" I say, and reach down and make a ball of snow in my hands. We throw snowballs at each other until we're both laughing and breathing hard, red in the face from the activity.

At one point Charlie takes a deep breath and falls backward right into the snow. It hasn't been coming down long, but there's a decent layer of icy white flakes covering the ground by this time. I watch as he spreads his arms and legs and then starts moving them back and forth across the snow, making an angel. Nellie is right beside him, watching him with her tail wagging. She lays down next to Charlie and with her tail it's a bit like she's making a snow angel of her own.

The sight of him there is so perfect that I take out my phone and take a picture. I decide I'll send it to him. Maybe he'll want to share it on his Insta. After that, we take a lot of pictures. Some of us together, some of each of us alone or with Nellie. I lie down beside him and make my own snow angel. We take group selfies with Nellie, the shimmering white snow and sparkling trees making a perfect backdrop.

Hours pass.

I don't want it to end.

The sun is setting now and Charlie and I have spent the whole day together. We come in from the snow and he peels off the hoodie and knit cap. His hair is wet, ringlets dripping water down into his face as we stand inside the warmth of my kitchen. He looks chilled to the bone, and he's shivering.

"I. Am. Freezing." He says through chattering teeth.

"You should have worn something waterproof," I say. I'm a little curious why he wasn't more prepared when he knew snow was in the forecast.

"I don't have anything. I'm not outdoorsy like you!" It makes sense now I think about it. I've always had pets to walk, a wood in my back garden, sports training, and a working mum which meant I had to get myself wherever I was going most of the time. Charlie has never had any of that.

"I hope you don't catch a cold," I say. How can I warm him up? I put the kettle on. We shouldn't have been outside so long.

He lets out a delighted laugh. "It'll b-be worth it!"

Would it? I know I would gladly have a little cold if it meant I could have another day like today. I remember Charlie spinning in slow circles in the falling snow, the sun just beginning to set behind him, his arms stretched out to either side, his face turned up to the sky. The image etched itself into my mind and I knew it would never ever leave me.

I couldn't very well let him shiver half to death in my kitchen. "Wait there!" I say, and run to my room. Once up there I shuffle through the shelf over my closet and find what I'm looking for. A warm and fuzzy fleece blanket. I come back to the kitchen and wrap it around his shoulders. It's so fluffy around Charlie it makes him look like he's wrapped in a flower printed cloud. I pull it tight around him making sure to warm up as much of him as possible.

I squeeze the blanket around him gently, rubbing his arms to try to get his blood moving. He looks up into my eyes, cheeks still pink from the cold, damp curls starting to tighten up again as they slowly dry.

"Th-th-thanks," he stammers. His teeth aren't chattering anymore though. He's so close to me. Close enough that I could kiss him if I want to.

But I don't want to. Of course I don't want to.

Except, I admit to myself for the first time, I kind of do. I want to pull him into me and wrap him in my arms and kiss him and kiss him and kiss him.

I let go of him and turn away quickly. "Sorry I don't have any joggers to give you, I think they'd all be too big." I chuckle as I step away, trying to sort out my emotions and figure out why I was feeling … well … all the things I was feeling. "You should probably go sit on a radiator for a bit!"

An hour later Charlie is dry and warm and we're playing Mario Kart again. His phone vibrates and he looks at it. He puts the phone back into his pocket with a heavy sigh. "I have to go home."

I knew it was coming, but I didn't think it would be so early. It's only 6 pm. "You really have to go?"

"Yeah …" he laments, "my dad said I had to be home for dinner." He kneels down and puts his shoes back on.

I give him a dry hoodie to wear under his jacket and while he's putting it on I pick up the reason he came to visit in the first place. "Well … Nellie will miss you!" I'll miss you too, I don't stop myself from thinking.

"I'll miss Nellie too." He smiles at my dog, giving her a scratch between her ears. "And thanks for the hoodie! I'll give it back to you on Monday!"

"No prob!" I say and walk him to the door. He looks so fragile as he makes his way to the end of the street so I call out, "Don't slip and die on the ice!"

"I'll try not to!" He calls back, and all I can do is believe him and hope he makes it home safely.

When Charlie reaches the end of the block and I can't see him anymore, I shut the door and walk back into the kitchen. I'm making some tea and my mum says, "Charlie seems like a lovely boy. When did you meet him?"

I sip at the hot beverage, a spoon of sugar, just a splash of milk. Exactly as I like it. "A couple of months ago. He's in one of my classes."

"He's very different from your other friends, isn't he? You seem much more like yourself around him."

"Do I?"

"You do!"

I drink the rest of my tea in silence, hearing my mum's voice telling me that I seem much more myself around Charlie. The truth is I also feel much more myself around him. I don't have to pretend to laugh at things that aren't funny, I don't have to ignore shitty behaviour because it's what's expected of me, and I don't have to constantly answer questions about why I haven't got a girlfriend yet. I love all of my year 11 friends, but if I'm honest, they're kind of exhausting.

In my room a bit later, I pull out my phone and start looking at the pictures from the day. There's one of Charlie kneeling in the snow cuddling with Nellie who is standing on her back paws giving him a hug. There's one of him without his hat, the snow leaving sparkling white dots in his black curls. There's one of all of us together and I notice for the first time that I look really happy. Happier than I've looked in any pictures in a long while.

I look at the pictures for a long time. I think about the time I've spent with Charlie. I think about how much I wanted to hold him when I had him wrapped up in the blanket. I do not think about wanting to kiss him.

Ok that's a lie. I do think about that. I just don't know what I'm actually thinking. I don't really know what I'm feeling.

Dear Nan,

Charlie came over to our house on Saturday and while he was there it snowed! I know how you love the snow, I hope you got some round your place. Charlie, Nellie, and I had a grand time playing in the snow. We took a lot of pictures, I've included a couple here, I hope you like them.

Charlie is a really good friend, I'm so pleased that he was put into my class so we could get to know each other. And now that he's come over to my place I'm sure I can get him to come round when you visit so you can meet each other.

There's not much else happening with me right now, school and rugby are the same. I haven't heard from David in months, but I'm sure he's just spending his uni time with his new friends. If I speak to him I'll remind him to give you a call.

Next time I see you I'm going to make you a lemon cake. I've just learned how to make a lemon glaze and it really brings the whole flavour to the next level. If I keep up with all these baking lessons you've given me over the years maybe one day I'll end up on Bake Off, wouldn't that be something?

Tell your friends not to get you into too much trouble! I'll see you in a couple of weeks!

Love you!

Nicky