Preface:

I don't remember when I wrote this?

Good luck!

CHAPTER 6

A Splash of Fun

From the very beginning, Harbinger had always had a crush on Commander Shepard. I mean, what's not to like about that dashing hero? What with his slicked platinum blonde hair, piercing blue eyes (just a tiny bit too far apart), jutting cheekbones, and handsome black fu manchu mustache, he was all any man looked for in another man. But Harbinger wasn't a man, oh no. He was much more than that. He was the ALPHA GAY. Of course, he couldn't let his compatriots know that. Everyone knows that the Reapers are reactionary religious conservatives to the point of downright extremism. When the Milky Way got too tainted by the gay/liberal/babykiller/sodomite agenda, the only solution to these cyborgs was to do away with everyone who lived there, regardless of their place on the "gender spectrum".

Let's clear up a common misconception about the Reapers and their impetus for coming to the Milky Way and gunning for humans first - it was never because Shepard killed Sovereign. It was because of Shepard's lavishness and downright sinful behavior. He had always been an unpenitent sinner, but when he lustfully fornicated with a blue monogendered alien, those darn Reapers had enough. The Dark Space News had a heyday, going nuts and bashing Milky Wayers to no end. After several angry callers on AM talk radio, the Reaper hierarchy (which, by the way, is not led by Harbinger, but a board of directors) went off air and decided to do something about this once and for all. Sodomy and outright, ungodly sin would not stand in the Reapers' Galaxy, that was for gat-dang sure. So how did Harbinger feel about all this? Well, not great.

Since homosexuality was frowned upon in Reaper society, Harbinger had always kept his cards close to his chest. Let's put it straight (or rather, gay) - Sovereign and Harbinger were lovers. They loved with the passion and intensity of a thousand gay suns going supernova, and the byproduct of their intense lovemaking had wiped out a quarter of the Prothean Empire last cycle. They had promised to always keep their relationship a secret from then on, but 50,000 odd years later they had a bit of a falling out. See, Sovereign had developed a fetish for turians, and one turian in particular had caught his eye. So, he secretly indoctrinated Saren, his new boy toy, which of course caused Saren to have to take massive shits roughly every 2 hours, hampering his efforts at taking over the galaxy. Harbinger found out about his despicable sexual galavanting and kicked him out of his quadrant of dark space, forcing him to actually be present for Saren and a bunch of little shits' attempt to take over the Milky Way. This ended up getting Sovereign killed, and after Harbinger heard, he couldn't forgive himself. He couldn't forgive Shepard either. That was, until he really met our handsome hero.

See, every Reaper indoctrinates at least one person during their "hibernation" in dark space. No one actually knows about it, but there are millions of people in the Milky Way who are indoctrinated by the Reapers from thousands of lightyears away. Reapers find comfort in forcing themselves inside and dominating other, lesser species. It's not sexual, it's just a trust and intimacy thing, okay?

Anyway, while Harbinger was observing the world through the eyes of humans, he settled on one particular human for a few days. His name was Kaidan Alenko. Kaidan swung both ways, just the way Harbinger liked it. Through Kaidan's eyes, Harbinger could feel his crush on Shepard deepening. It was intriguing, but Harbinger always thought he was kind of a weird, aloof piece of shit who reminded him of a sociopathic, misogynistic, irritably racist asshole. However, he had always known that Shepard was gay as a fire truck. This didn't stop Shepard, though, from letting Kaidan die on Virmire. All that flirting seemingly for nothing, right? Well, it turned out Shepard's kink for blue alien ass was stronger than his actual sexual orientation. Anyway, let's get to the point.

Harbinger finally got the promotion he wanted, partly because of his hard work, but also because his coworkers were assuaged by his lack of homosexuality since Sovereign's untimely demise. Soon, however, Harbinger used this promotion to get revenge on Shepard. He killed Shepard easy enough, but when he came back to life Harbinger felt his cold robot heart flutter like a flautist with excellent technique. He started controlling Collectors to torture Shepard, but he soon got hooked by that charismatic leader's charm of his, and more sooner than he thought, Harbinger was fully and steamily infatuated with our hero. The shooting of hot loads and gaping black holes at Shepard became more of an erotic S&M thing after a while, and after Shepard killed all the Collectors, Harbinger was as hard and wet as the mop of a janitor who works at a 3-star hotel with an indoor pool that frequently accommodates families with overweight children. So what did Harbinger, regional manager of the Reapers, do? He took all his subordinates and gunned it for Earth, that's what.

Here's the thing: if you've played the games, you're probably thinking, "hey, wait, the Reapers came to the Milky Way to kill everyone like they did with the Protheans, duh!" Well, you're fucking wrong, my friend. The Protheans were really advanced and shit, right? And their Empire spanned the entire galaxy? Those motherfuckers could read minds and do crazy shit, and store everyone in cryogenic freezing for as long as possible. There is no possible way that the Reapers thought that humans, turians, asari, and salarians were advanced enough to be as strong as the Protheans were. It's not like the Protheans didn't write all that shit down, either. It's like if you were a scientist and you worked your entire life to make an insane scientific breakthrough, almost finished it, and handed what you had to your son on your deathbed, saying "carry on my legacy", and he said "thanks" and proceeded to use it as toilet paper.

So yeah, the Reapers were probably going to kill everyone in the galaxy eventually, but they came like 10,000 years ahead of schedule for one reason - Commander Shepard's sweet, sweet cornhole. The Reapers could have steamrolled everyone in probably like 3 hours or so because of how much they sucked, but they didn't because Harbinger told them not to. He knew Shepard would play hard to get, so he grabbed Earth dramatically, like "oh no daddy, we took your planet and made you mad, get all your allies and come back and punish me, I've been so naughty", and yadda yadda yadda. Shepard has no clue, but indoctrination is pretty strong, and we haven't finished his story yet.

Shall we return to our stoic, courageous, and splendorous man as he gaily sets about on completing his mission and restoring freedom to all mankind? By all means, reader: let's.

As the Normandy SR2 slowly but surely approached the slowly enveloping battle, Commander Shepard indulged in one of three honorable practices: sleeping, fucking, or getting crunk. Tonight, the Crunk Chalice was in hand, and Lil' Jon Shepard was getting, as his great grandpa used to say, "LIT AF".

As Tali enjoyed a nice margarita through her emergency induction port, our gucci fam hero Shepard was enjoying one of his signature drinks, of which there had been unfortunately many ever since he became a galactic hero and pop culture icon. There was the Shepard Surprise, the Wet Mako, the Bruised Reporter, and many others, but tonight our hero was enjoying his newest drink: the Commander Shepard Splash. Everyone had been asking what the mix was, but Shepard was as tight-lipped as a turian tramp on a Tuesday, which is to say, very loose-lipped. That's why no one else was drinking it, you see. It was fucking gross.

Shepard grabbed a space glass and filled it with his favorite krogan ryncol liquor. It's green, and apparently lethal to humans, but Shepard doesn't seem to mind because #YOLT. Then he poured a glass of Tupari sports drink, which he had sadly become addicted to on the Citadel during his Collector Quest. It was also supposed to kill humans, being about 30% liquid bleach and 70% pure caffeine with some fruit flavoring, but that didn't stop our unkillable hero. In fact, it seemed to only make him stronger, except for the rare occasions that it caused he and his sexual partners to pass out during watersports.

Anyway, after pouring a glass of each abhorrent solution, he grabbed one with each hand and promptly dumped them on his eyes. His eyeballs burned with a hot fury, but Shepard didn't dare blink away the bloody tears. His new thing was letting the alcohol soak into his body from the eyeballs, which was a poor way to ingest any substance, but Shepard was a pretty unique guy who liked doing things his own way. Unfortunately, that "own way" usually ended up with a quick trip to the medbay, and this occasion was no exception.

Dr. Karin Chakwas was not happy to see Shepard so soon after his last visit, but she begrudgingly sprayed his eyes with MediGel anyway. When Shepard had asked her to come on the Normandy while she was working at the hospital on the Citadel, she wanted to say "no" really badly, because it had been a great time not being under his command for those like two weeks or so, but alas; she was drawn in by that notorious charm of his once again.

Shepard used to come through the medbay only to talk to Liara, who had an office in the adjoining room, and on the old Normandy Dr. Chakwas would have to watch and occasionally listen as Shepard stood in the doorway to Liara's office, breathing loudly. On another occasion, she unfortunately witnessed a performance of violently jerky fellatio on that same threshold (don't ask her which one was being fellated). Boy, was she glad that those doors weren't around anymore. The new Normandy had better soundproofing (private sector budgets, what what).

As Shepard moaned and groaned, Dr. Chakwas decided this would be a good a time as any to get some answers out of this dickwad. "So, Shepard," she intimated, "have you been able to find any of that Serrice ice brandy yet-"

"Toki wa ugokidasu."

Before Dr. Chakwas could continue, she was suddenly aware of what looked like two huge loogies headed straight for her. She didn't have time to dodge or even close her eyes, so she could only watch as the saliva globules rocketed towards her eyeballs. When they hit, they stung with a passion, as the Commander Shepard Splash had most definitely rendered Shepard's spit dangerously toxic. Dr. Chakwas screamed and lashed out with her arms, but Shepard was already halfway out the door with foamy gel still in his eyes. He scribbled on a datapad with a crayon and nonchalantly tossed it into the medbay with a smirk.

"Here's your receipt."