*NOTE* Sorry for the delay. This story is complete at 13 chapters and I will be uploading it all over the next couple of weeks!

I spend all day Sunday distracting myself. I clean the house, do some laundry, take Nellie on three walks, finish my schoolwork, and try to ignore the question that I never finished asking my computer. What does it mean if I've always liked girls, but now I like a boy? After yesterday I'm not even trying to deny it to myself anymore, I like Charlie. A lot. Way more than I've liked any girl I've had crushes on. I just don't know what to do about it.

I think the most important thing for me to remember is that no matter how mixed up my feelings are right now, Charlie is my friend and I can't do anything that will make him feel uncomfortable or unsafe. After all, I don't think he actually likes me in a romantic way, and even if he did, what would I do about it? What if these feelings go away? What if this is some sort of weird hormone thing? What if a lot of boys actually feel this way about their best mate.

Ok, I won't bullshit myself. No matter what else is going on, I sincerely doubt that it's common for straight boys to think about kissing their friends. But what does that say about me?

Monday comes and at least now I've got school to distract me. Charlie and I chat in form about how we spent our Sundays, and talk about the match we're going to have that afternoon. He's not acting like anything is different, but when I look at him my stomach does little flips and somersaults. How am I going to make it through the rest of the school year sitting right next to him? He's doing work right now and I sneak a glance over at him. He's got a look of intense concentration on his face, his hand scratching out the answers to an English Literature assignment. I try to remember what it is I've got to get done, but nothing comes to mind.

At one point Charlie looks toward me too, and I think he sees that I was already looking at him. A smile brightens his face, a quick flash of dimples that makes my heart beat faster. "Don't you have homework to do?" he asks. "Or are you going to do it whilst walking to class like you were doing last week?"

I shrug and pull out my notebook, but before I can even open it the bell rings telling us that it's time to get on with our school day. "Guess I'm writing and walking again," I chuckle.

He shakes his head, "That's so chaotic."

I shake my head, "That makes me sound way cooler than I actually am."

I drift through the rest of the day on autopilot. I make it to all of my classes on time and get my assignments done, but my mind is somewhere else. It's on the way Charlie's callused hands felt on mine, on the way he looked lying beneath me on his living room floor, on the way he looked up at me, wrapped in a flower printed cloud, in my kitchen.

I've got to get it together, I feel a bit like I'm going mad.

That afternoon our team has a rugby match. Charlie is again on the sideline as our reserve, and every now and then I glance over at him. I know I'm distracted and not playing my best, and I'm reminded of that fact when I look at the scoreboard and realise that we're losing. I take a moment to push Charlie to the back of my mind and focus my attention on the game. A short while later the match ends and our team has come from behind to win by three points. Everyone is celebrating together, and I refuse to let Charlie sit out this time, so I run over to him.

"We won!!" I call out. Charlie stands up, raising his arms and cheering. When I reach him I grab him around the waist, lift him off the ground, and spin him in a circle. He wraps his arms around my neck securely and for a half a moment we just look at each other. For the first time all day I feel like everything is going to be okay. Then we both start cheering and I carry him over to the rest of the team so he can celebrate with us.

A half-hour later we're changed and ready to leave.. As we exit the school grounds Charlie reaches over and uses his thumb to wipe my cheek. "You've still got mud on you!" he laughs, as we start our walk home together.

I think I'm just going to ignore all of these odd feelings I've been having, and enjoy my time with my friend without analysing every look and touch. I like the way things are, I don't want to mess it all up. Because if I do mess it all up, it will end. I don't want it to end.

The next morning I ask Charlie if he's going to Harry Greene's party on Saturday. Harry reminded me about it before school, as though anyone could forget the party he'd been blathering incessantly about for weeks. Imogen overheard Harry telling me to make sure I bring some cool people with me, and she asked if I would invite her. I don't know why Harry didn't invite her himself, she is part of our friend group. I pretended to think about it for a moment, but Imogen is pretty cool, so I extended her an invitation. I didn't put much thought into it, she's our friend and she should have been invited in the first place.

Sitting next to me in form, Charlie replies that he was invited but wasn't sure if he would go. "There'll be like two hundred people there, right?"

"PLEASE COME " I urge him. "All my other friends are dickheads and I don't wanna have to spend an entire evening with them." The last time I went to one of Harry's parties all the boys sat around drinking and making fun of people. It wasn't my idea of a good time then, and it certainly isn't now.

"Sounds like you need new friends."

"Well, I have you now, so…" my voice trails off.

Charlie looks at me with wide eyes the colour of a summer sky. I'm beginning to wonder if my crush isn't as one-sided as I thought it was, and somehow that makes everything feel more complicated? It's one thing to like a boy who doesn't like me back. Then I can just ignore it until I leave for uni. But if he feels the same way …

"So," I interrupt my own thoughts, "will you come? Please? I want you to be there."

Charlie grins, the little dimples in his cheeks making a surprise appearance. He's always had them, obviously, but they only appear when he's really happy. They showed up in a load of pictures from our snow day, and now I see them again. I know what he's going to say before he says it.

"YEAH, DEFINITELY." He turns in his seat and meets my eyes, saying more quietly, "It'll be fun if you're there." My stomach does that little flutter thing again. This is making it very difficult to pretend, even to myself, that I only think of Charlie as a friend.

Saturday comes and after taking more time than usual getting ready, I head to the party. When I get there it's already super crowded. There's a guy at the door checking names off a list, which is wild because Harry will let literally anyone into one of his parties. The hotel he hired must have required him to have security.

I go in and look around, wondering if Charlie's already here. I head into one room, and it seems to be a makeshift club, with music thumping through huge speakers and lights pulsing and spinning to the beat of the music. There's already a huge crowd of people dancing and I make my way through them all to the centre of the room, checking every face I pass, trying to find Charlie.

I see Harry and some of our other mates and take a moment to wish Harry a happy birthday. He's a real twat sometimes, but I remind myself it is actually his party so I can at least be polite. I turn round as Harry walks away, just in time for Imogen to come up to me.

"Hi!" she says. She looks really cute tonight in a kind of a fitted dress with some ruffly bits at the shoulders. Her hair, normally straightened for school, is a little curlier tonight, with two little plaits at the front. I wonder if she's got a date. I hope so, she's a really nice girl. "I'm glad you made it! I've been looking for you!"

"Have you?" I ask while my gaze starts scanning the room again. "Why?"

She shrugs. "You know, you invited me so I kind of thought we'd be hanging out."

"Oh yeah, I don't understand why Harry didn't invite you himself, he's such an idiot sometimes. Did you bring a date?"

"A date?" She looks confused for a second. "Uh, no. I didn't bring a date."

"Oh? That's too bad, you look great tonight!" She gives me a brilliant smile then and twirls a bit of her hair in her fingers. "Anyway," I say, distracted, "have a great time! If you see Charlie can you tell him I'm looking for him?"

"Oh, right, okay," she says before fading back into the crowd.

I'm beginning to worry that Charlie's changed his mind. Or maybe he's in a different room? Harry's hired this whole hotel so really he could be anywhere. I could text him, but would he even be able to hear his phone in here? Probably not.

I'm considering leaving the dance area to go stand closer to the front doors so that I can see him when he gets in. I turn around to walk toward the entrance when out of nowhere, there he is, standing at the front of the room. His eyes are searching the crowd too, and when he finds me he breaks into a brilliant smile. I give him a little wave, I wonder if my smile is as joyous as his. I think it probably is, now he's here.

I weave through the crowd toward him, and I can see he's doing the same. We reach each other and I put my hands on his shoulders, leaning close so he can hear me. At the same time we both say "I've been looking for you!"

"It's so loud in here!" I shout over the music. "D'you wanna go get a drink?"

"Yeah, sure!" Charlie says. He looks amazing in a shirt that's kind of the colour of cranberries. It really sets off his dark tangle of hair. We wander from room to room until we find one where there's a table of snacks and drinks. I get a plate of nibbly bits and Charlie grabs us each a soda, then we continue exploring the hotel until we find a quieter room with a couch we can sit on.

We finally find the perfect space, and we're talking and watching the people around us. I don't even know who most of these people are, did Harry invite all of Kent? Bass heavy music is thrumming in the background, even in this quieter room. Charlie and I have to sit very close to one another to be heard. Charlie's telling me about his very successful drift technique on Mario Kart, that apparently Oliver showed him how to do, when I hear a very unwelcome voice.

"Hey, Nick!!!" Harry Greene calls out to me. I mean, it is his party. I guess I should have expected to see him at least once more, but did it have to be right now? "Why are you hanging out in here? How DULL." A couple of the other boys from the team are with him, and they look at us with interest. "I've got some important news!" Harry says.

I sigh and look at him. "What's up, Harry?"

"Tara Jones is here!" He says with enthusiasm. I get the feeling that he thinks I'm going to be very excited at this news. Brilliant, all I need right now is Harry forcing me to reconnect with a girl I haven't spoken to since I kissed her at a party three years ago.

"Wh-what?" I ask.

"Remember her? The girl you had a crush on all through year 7 and 8? The one you KISSED at the year 8 Higgs-Truham disco?" He grabs me by the arm and pulls me off the couch. I'm so startled that I follow him without really thinking about what I'm doing. "Well now's your second chance. Right Charlie?"

Charlie looks at him somberly and nods. I can't read the look on Charlie's face very well, but I know he doesn't like Harry very much. Maybe that's why he looks so sad.

As Harry drags me away from my comfortable couch where I was spending the evening with Charlie, I try to get myself out of this situation. "That was years ago! I haven't even spoken to her since then!!"

"Come on!" he shouts over the music that is much louder now that we're back in the hall. "She's just down here! Plus, she's really hot now."

I turn my head and see Charlie standing in the doorway of the room we'd been in. He's looking at me and once again I wish I knew what he was thinking.

"Hey girls!" Harry yells at a group of girls standing over in a corner of another room. "TARA! I've got someone who wants to see you." He pulls me in front of him, "You remember Nick Nelson, right?"

Tara looks up at me and Harry's right, she is really pretty. I remember the last time that I saw her, when we were dancing at the school dance, and I leaned in and kissed her. It was just a quick press of my lips to hers, but we were 13 so it felt life changing. And then we left the school dance, and never spoke again. Until now.

Fucking Harry.

"Er … yeah … hi" she says with a little hesitation, but a friendly smile.

Harry literally pushes me from behind until I'm standing face-to-face with Tara. "Hi," I say awkwardly. Now that we're talking the group of boys back off, presumably to give me a chance to do … whatever it is they thought I was going to do. I wait until they're out of earshot before I give her a slightly embarrassed grin. "I'm so sorry about this, I feel really silly, I don't know why literally all of my friends are trying to hook us up."

She laughs "Yeah, this whole thing could have been avoided if I just …"

"What?" I ask curiously. What could she say to stop Harry being a prat? Maybe whatever it is I could use it too.

Tara looks really nervous, she shuffles her feet a bit, looking all around us. Her eyes find mine again and she gives a little shrug and says "If I'd just … told everyone I was a lesbian."

I laugh and run my hand through my hair. "Yeah, but that's not something you'd really want to lie about, is it?"

She gives me a long look and then says "It wouldn't be a lie." She gestures to a quirky girl who's dancing behind her. "That's my girlfriend over there, Darcy. We've mostly been keeping it quiet"

"Oh!" I say with relief. "So why are you telling me?"

"We've been talking, and discussing it and we've decided it's time to be a little more open about it."

"That's really cool. I've only known one openly gay person before. Do you know Charlie Spring?"

She smiles "Yeah, I know Charlie, are you friends?"

"Yeah, we sit next to each other in form. He's probably" … I pause. Tara had shared her truth with me, I could share at least some of mine with her. "Yeah, he probably is my best friend right now."

Tara looks at me with a curious expression. She looks like she's going to ask me more about Charlie, but then her girlfriend comes up to us. Tara wraps an arm around the blonde girl's waist and asks her if she wants to dance. Darcy accepts and the two of them say goodbye to me and head off to the dance floor. I turn around to where I'd last seen Charlie watching Harry drag me away, and I'm disappointed to see he's not there anymore. There are so many people here, I hope I'm able to find him again soon. I start looking in the nearby rooms and halls first.

I turn a corner and run right into Harry and some other boys. "Have you seen Charlie?" I ask. Nobody has.

"Why do you even hang out with him?" Harry asks with a sneer in his voice.

"We're friends-"

"But WHY?"

"We just are-"

A couple of the other boys chime in with their opinions.

"But he's just some nerdy little year 10."

"He got really popular after all that bullying shit last year, right?"

And then Harry pipes up again and I swear if I have to hear the sound of his voice much more tonight I might actually completely lose my shit. "D'you just feel sorry for him because he's gay?" He pauses, and then he continues, his words tinted with mean-spirited laughter, "No, WAIT, d'you think he FANCIES you?! Oh my God, how SAD!"

I can't believe I was ever friends with Harry, what a complete bellend. I take two steps closer to him and clench my fist. Then I get hold of myself and use my words instead. "You know what, Harry? FUCK YOU. You're a pathetic, homophobic, self-obsessed DICK, and I really dislike you." Harry and the other boys stare at me in shock as I turn and walk away. As I do I call out over my shoulder "Happy fucking birthday."

I'm walking through the room where everyone's dancing again, hoping that maybe Charlie came in here, although I don't know why he would have. I'm so irritated and more than ever I just want to find Charlie. I want to find another quiet place to sit with him and hear him talking softly about his favourite Rainbow Road strategies, and classic novels, and what shenanigans Olly has been up to this week.

I'm halfway through my search of the dance floor when Imogen corners me. I'm distracted and barely register her when she grabs my arm and starts dancing up against me. "NICHOLAS, come dance with me!"

"I can't dance." I say, offering her a regretful smile as I try to walk past her.

"I don't care." She twirls and moves to the music, moving in front of and around me. She's obviously at least a little drunk.

"I'm sorry, I have to go." I try again to walk away and she wraps her arms around my neck, looking up into my face, her beautiful eyes big and imploring.

"No, stay with me!" Her tone is pleading and I don't know what I should do. I remember how at the beginning of the term I thought maybe she liked me. She gets close and confirms that I was right. She tells me she likes me, and asks if I like her, and I freeze like a deer in the headlights. A year ago I would have said yes, and I would have gone out with her maybe. It's what everyone expects, and pretty girls don't just tell you they like you every day.

I don't like her like that, but I don't want to hurt her, especially not at a party. I definitely wasn't going to tell a girl who was actively hitting on me "sorry, I'd love to but I'm kind of into the boy I sit next to in form, now I have to find him so we can talk about Mario Kart". Can you imagine?

"You don't have to reply right now," she continues. "I just needed you to know."

"Okay" I say and gently disengage her arms from around my neck. "I need to go find my friend now." I walk away as she turns and squeals with her friends. I keep pushing through the dance floor, and I look over just in time to see Tara kissing Darcy in the middle of the crowd. Nobody even pays attention, they just keep dancing around the two girls as they kiss in front of everyone for the first time. The lights shine on the couple, making a halo of rainbow lights around them, and they both look around for a moment, giggling and elated, and after a moment they're kissing again.

Is it really that easy? Can you just start kissing someone who nobody has ever expected you to kiss, in the middle of a crowded room? Can you be with the person you want to be with, and nobody even cares? My heart beats faster and I look more urgently for Charlie. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know I need to find him right now. I need him beside me.

Dear Nan,

Thank you so much for your last letter. You really helped me feel better. You're right, I think I'm becoming a man and that means that I'm thinking more about the things … and the people… who are important to me.

Thank you for asking about Charlie. He said to tell you hi! I told you that you would love him, didn't I? He's not very close to any of his grandparents, he's not lucky enough to have a Nan as wonderful as you are, so he really loved meeting you!

I'm going to a party tonight and he's going to be there. I think that's the only reason I'm going. I've been thinking more about the lads I've always been friends with, and it turns out they're kind of crap people. And yes I know you told me that years ago. Better late than never, right?

Alright I've got to go or I'm going to be late.

I'll talk to you soon!

Nicky