I'm still searching the party for Charlie, anxious that he's decided to leave. I swear if Harry's little stunt made Charlie leave me all alone here I'm going to literally murder him. I turn into a new room hopeful that Charlie will be in this one. And then, like a lightning bolt from a clear blue sky, there he is. He's sitting alone at a table looking bored and a little lost. The party lights dance and flash across his face as he drums his fingertips on the table to the beat of the music. He's looking out into the distance though it seems like he's not seeing much that's actually going on. He definitely doesn't notice me. I come up behind him and sit in the chair beside him, touching his shoulder gently to get his attention. He jumps and I feel bad for startling him.

"Hi" I say, and I wonder if he can hear the relief in my voice. "I thought you left."

"Um … sorry … your friends are kind of intimidating."

I think about Harry and I wonder if any of the lads said anything shitty to him while I was talking to Tara. "Don't be sorry! They're all dickheads." I shrug, "I'd rather just hang out with you anyway."

Charlie looks at me with a kind of stunned expression. He rakes his fingers through his hair, which is something he only does when he's feeling anxious. "So …" he begins in a low voice. I have to lean closer to hear him properly and now his voice is a warm whisper in my ear. I try to concentrate on what he's saying, instead of the way his breath on my neck sends shivers through my whole body. "I just ran into Ben."

My eyes widen in alarm and now it's easy to focus. I immediately look Charlie over to make sure he's not hurt. Fucking Harry, if he hadn't pushed me into going to talk to Tara then this never would have happened. "Shit." I put my hands on Charlie's shoulders, needing to touch him to make sure he's really there and in one piece. "Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah, I mean … I dealt with it." He shrugs a little but it l can tell he's proud of himself. "He … er … he tried to apologise but…" His face turns up to mine with a little smile "I pushed him against the wall and told him not to fucking touch me. Then he just walked off, so… Yeah, I think he got the message this time."

I am so proud of Charlie. I beam at him and with a small steadying breath I take his hand in mine and squeeze it gently. "I'm so proud of you" I say.

"Shut up," he laughs, "now I'm embarrassed." He's blushing again. He doesn't let go of my hand though, and the hum of magnetism and electricity between us is overwhelming.

I look around the crowded room, the lights are spinning and the music is pounding and it seems like most of the city is dancing a metre and a half away from us. "It's, er, kinda noisy in here, isn't it?" I ask, Charlie agrees. "Shall we go somewhere quieter again?" I wish we could just leave this party and go somewhere to be alone together, but we can't, so we'll just have to find a place to be alone here. I'm tired of all of these other people, I just want to spend the rest of the evening with Charlie.

Charlie nods and once again I see something that looks like hope on his face. I know he probably just doesn't like being in a big crowd like this, but I let a little part of me think that maybe he wants to be alone with me too.

Still grasping his hand, I stand up and guide us through the crowded room. His hand is soft and warm in mine. His thumb delicately skims my wrist. An accident? Or … not an accident? My heart is pounding. I try not to wonder what people will say if they see us holding hands. I try to tell myself that I don't care.

We get to the doorway and the hall is far less crowded than the dancing area was, which means we're more likely to be seen. I let go of his hand, feeling self conscious.

Charlie doesn't seem to notice that I let go of him. As soon as we enter the hall he flashes me a mischievous grin. "I'll race you!"

"To where?!" I ask, but he's already taken off running. I chase after him, and we speed through the halls of the Saint Georges Hotel. Up flights of stairs, around corners, past smaller and smaller groups of people, we run. "Unfair!" I shout after him, "You're way faster than me!" He speeds to the top of another flight of stairs and through a nearly empty ballroom. "I'm dying" I gasp.

"It's because you're old!" He laughs.

"I'm only 18 months older!!"

"Ok, old man"

Charlie runs through a doorway and I follow, barely a few seconds behind him. We find ourselves in the only completely empty room we've seen so far. The walls are covered in artwork, and there's a fancy chandelier hanging from the ceiling. I close the door behind me and we both take a few moments to look around the dark room, the only light coming from the huge windows on one wall. For the first time all evening, we're not being hounded by the thumping bass of dubstep remixes. Charlie wonders aloud how Harry managed to hire out the whole place for his party and I remind him that Harry is, in fact, extremely rich.

I sit on the floor against a wall near a huge window. Charlie sits beside me, and we take a few moments to catch our breath. I'm sitting there with my head back against the wall when I hear Charlie speaking quietly to me.

"So … like … was Harry being serious? Do you like that girl?"

"NO! No, definitely not!" I say quickly. I look at his face and he seems … what? Relieved maybe? "We … we kissed when we were like 13 and I liked her at the time but I've honestly barely thought about her since then, and I DEFINITELY don't like her that way anymore!"

"Ah … okay …" Charlie's looking at his feet again, and I watch him, just glad to finally have a moment to sit beside him in some peace and quiet. I wish I could wrap my arm around his shoulder and pull him closer to me, as close as he was sitting on the drum stool that day at his house. And he would rest his head on my shoulder, and I would lay my head on his, and we could just be there, together.

Charlie's voice interrupts my thoughts, "Um … so … You don't have a crush on anyone at the moment?"

I swallow hard. What should I say? If I say I don't, that would be a lie. If I say I do, he's going to wonder who it is. I can't very well tell him that I've got a massive crush on him, can I? I look at him for a moment longer, and then for once I'm the one staring at my feet. I remember what my Nan said in her last letter, I should just be truthful with myself and the people I care about and everything else will work itself out. Alright then, honesty. I can do that.

"Well … I didn't say that…"

Charlie's voice sounds small and disappointed when he replies "Oh … what's she like, then?"

I look up at him, hoping maybe he'll be able to tell what I'm thinking without me having to say it, but he's doing that thing where he withdraws into himself and he's not looking at me at all.

"You're just gonna assume they're a she?" my voice is quiet as a wish, and there may be a little shake in it. I'm not entirely sure if I should be saying this. God, what if he hates me. Or … even scarier, what if he doesn't? The words leave my mouth and Charlie's eyes snap up to mine. I offer him a timid smile and then turn my eyes forward again, looking out at the room in front of me. I can barely breathe.

"Are they … are they not a girl?" He asks, and there's that hopeful look on his face again. Oh God what am I doing? I meet his eyes for a half a moment, make a little nervous noise, and shrug. My gaze flits back to the front of the room.

My hands are on the floor on either side of me, steadying me. Charlie's hands are doing the same for him and his right hand is next to my left. We're so close that I can feel the sparks flickering between us again. "Would you …" he says with a little hesitation, "go out with someone who wasn't a girl?" One of his feet slides a couple of centimetres closer to me, the toe of his shoe bumping mine ever so gently.

I run my hand through my hair and I suddenly feel very shy. "I don't know…" I turn to look at him again, and my mind is reeling, replaying every moment that we've spent together over the last months. "Maybe." I say quietly.

His voice is a velvet whisper when he asks, "Would you kiss someone who wasn't a girl?" My heart is pounding now and my stomach is doing somersaults and I'm very glad that I've only drank soda tonight, I feel like alcohol would have been a very bad idea.

"I don't know," I say again. I feel the softest touch on my pinky finger then. A gentle caress of his fingertip, so delicate it might actually just be my imagination. But I can feel the warmth of his little finger now, laid over mine. I look down at our hands, and then back up at him again, and I find that I've leaned closer to him.

His blue eyes are looking right into my brown ones now, and he breathes out one last question. "Would you kiss me?"

The window is behind Charlie, curtains open to the night sky. There's that universe of beauty and wonder again, but all I can see is him. And yeah, I do want to kiss him. I've never actually wanted anything more in my life than I want to kiss Charlie Spring right now. It's all I've really wanted for weeks. "Yeah" is all I can say.

We look at each other for a little while longer, both of us wanting to make sure the other one is really absolutely certain that this is what they want to do. Slowly we lean into each other. I feel his breath on my cheek and I close my eyes. A breath later we bring our lips together.

The kiss is soft, and warm, and sweet, just like Charlie. We kiss for just a few moments, and then he pulls away gently. We both look away from one another, embarrassed maybe? What if he hated it? What if he thinks I hated it? What if I did it wrong? After all, this is completely different from when I kissed Tara.

I turn my hand, where our pinkies are still touching, and slide it all the way under his. I grasp his hand and squeeze it, just to let him know … I don't know. That I'm here? That I like him? That I want to do that again? He squeezes back, just a little, and our eyes meet again. Charlie reaches his other hand up and puts it to my neck gently pulling me into him, and we're kissing again. This kiss is just as soft and sweet, but there's more urgency to it. It's like a door has opened and our feelings for each other just pour out in that endless moment. We sit there, on the floor of a grand hotel, all alone in a dark room, and we kiss each other for what feels like forever.

I don't want it to end.

After a long while Charlie pulls back again. His hand is on my cheek and he looks at me with so much compassion. "You okay?" he asks.

Am I? "I-"

"Nick?"

FUCKING HARRY.

"Are you up here?"

Why is Harry up here? I'm panicked now, and I don't really know why. I just know I can't let Harry see this; I can't let him ruin this moment. I can't let him come into this beautiful room and destroy everything. I need to go stop him. I stand up. "NICK?" he calls again, closer now, "I know you're up here somewhere!"

I don't know what to do. I don't want to walk away from Charlie, but I don't want Harry and the boys coming in here and being assholes. They know Charlie and I are friends, but if they know we were kissing … what? I don't know. I just know that I'm not at all ready to have that confrontation right now. Ugh, how does he ruin EVERYTHING even when he's not in the room?

"Come on Nick!" another voice calls. "Why are you hiding? Harry wants to talk to you!" I look down at Charlie, who is still sitting on the floor. He looks up at me and his face is hurt. Hurt, but not surprised.

What do I do? I can't leave. I can't stay. Most importantly, I can't let Harry, of all people, find us alone together in this room.

I look at the floor, all of the happiness I'd just felt draining out of me, replaced with shame and guilt. I turn away from Charlie. "I've just," I start walking toward the door, "I've got to…"

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this right. But I do know that I have to stop Harry and the other boys from coming into this room, so I walk out and close the door behind me.

P.S.

Nan,

I'm adding this after the party because I've been so stupid and I think I've messed it all up. I think I may have lost the person I care about most in this world, because I was scared. I don't know. I'm going to try to make it right tomorrow.

Why is everything so hard? Why can't I just be with the person I like, and everything be happy and easy like it is when we're alone together? Why do the other boys make a hobby of making other people feel awful?

I don't want you to worry about me. I'll send you another note tomorrow, once I … once I know more, I suppose.

Love you always!

Nicky