I lay in bed that night, my mind playing and replaying what happened after I left Charlie.

The door makes a really final sound when it shuts behind me. I walk through the halls until I find Harry and the others . I stand there listening to him prattle on about how it's all just "banter" and why it's not his fault that I'm in a bad mood at his party. I nod and agree that must be it and then I tell them I have to find the bathroom and walk away.

I go back to the room where I left Charlie, but I already know what I'm going to find. The room is empty. It's like we were never there.

I wander all alone through the crowded halls of the hotel. I was just chasing Charlie through these halls, happier than I have ever felt in my life. Now I'm looking for him but I know I'm not going to find him.

I still check every room.

When I'm entirely sure he's not there anymore, I go home .

I turn over in my bed for the hundredth time tonight, trying to figure out what I'm going to say to Charlie. How can I explain why I walked away like I did?

I sit up and unlock my phone. I can't just not say anything, but I can't think of what to say. I start typing, maybe I can try to apologise at least?

N - Hey Charlie I'm so so sorry for running off and leaving you it wasn't your fault I was just -

Just … what? Scared? Confused? Surprised? All of those? It's too much. I delete the words and start again.

N - Charlie I'm so so sorry I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just so confused right now but -

I delete that too, I can't find the right words. Maybe they don't even exist. I'm so ashamed of myself for running away and just leaving him all alone in there, but I don't know what else I could have done.

If I was braver I would have stood with Charlie and told the truth, but how can I do that when I don't even know what the truth is?

The light from my phone screen glows accusingly at me. I throw it across the room and collapse back into my bed, feeling lost and alone.

I don't sleep at all.

At some point it starts raining.

Around 4 am I decide that I need to explain in person, that's the only way I might be able to start to make this right. What can I even say though? I go over hundreds of possible scenarios in my mind. I can't think of anything I could say that would begin to erase that hurt look that was on Charlie's face when I left him.

Around 8 am, I decide that he probably doesn't want to see me. He probably hates me. He's right to not want to see me after what I did to him. I don't even want to see myself. I curl up in my bed and cry until I don't have any more tears. I knew I was going to fuck this all up. We were friends and then I had to kiss him. And if that wasn't already bad enough, I run away from him to hide from assholes I don't even like. I'm no better than Ben.

Around 10:30 am, I change my mind again. If I don't want to make this worse I have to at least try to make it right. I've got to go see Charlie and tell him how sorry I am for running away, for hurting him. I hold onto a sliver of hope that he'll forgive me. That I hope we can at least still be friends. But first I have to go tell him how much I regret what I did.

I throw on a jumper, some joggers, and my Vans. Now I've decided I need to go see Charlie and apologise in person, I'm even more ashamed because it's taken me so long. I should have been waiting on his doorstep when he woke up. I should have gone there straight from Harry's party. Why did I wait so long? I need to be there already.

I open my door and see rain streaming down from the sky. It's fine, he doesn't live far. I take off at a run through the downpour and don't slow down until I'm at his front door. The ten minute walk takes me a fraction of the time to run and before I know it I'm standing on his stairs, breathing hard, soaked from head to toe. I ring the bell before I can talk myself out of it.

After a few seconds that genuinely feel like they've taken years off my life, Charlie opens the door. He looks at me in shock, and all I can say is "Hi".

I hope my face is saying all of the words that are refusing to come out of my mouth. Please don't shut the door in my face. Please just let me explain. Please don't hate me.

"N-nick" Charlie says in a hollow voice, and I notice the dark circles under his eyes. It's obvious that he hasn't slept either. I should have texted him last night. I should have come here and thrown rocks at his window to get his attention like in some cheesy romance film. I should have done literally anything apart from laying in my bed feeling sorry for myself.

I don't know how to start. "Sorry for not texting you. I just wanted to talk in person." My words feel wildly inadequate.

"O-okay" Charlie says. He's got such a haunted expression on his face, I can't stand the thought that I'm the one who made him feel that way. He looks at me expectantly as I stand in front of him. I'm breathing hard from the run, rain still pouring down all around me. After a few moments of silence, apart from the sounds of the deluge, he grabs me by the front of my jumper and pulls me into the house. "Just - just come in, you're getting soaked."

Now we're standing in front of his open front door, and he's looking at me with questioning eyes. I still don't know what to say, but I can't say anything at all if I don't start talking. "Erm … s-so … I just -"

"Nick?" says a woman's voice, "I didn't know you were coming over?" Charlie's mum is standing in the hall looking at us. Oh God, I don't even know what to say to Charlie, how am I supposed to talk to his mum??

"Um - er - yes" I stammer.

"He's just picking up a jumper he left here last week!" Charlie interjects with a really believable smile at his mum. She'd never know he'd been up all night, but I could see it.

"You could have at least changed out of your pyjamas Charlie!" She scolds.

"Oh … yeah" Charlie grimaces with a shrug at her. I notice for the first time his pyjama shirt and sleep shorts. He looks adorable, but this probably isn't the right time to mention it.

"Don't forget we're going to Grandma's later" she says as she walks away.

"Let's go upstairs," Charlie suggests. Every moment that he's not telling me to leave feels like a small victory.

"Okay," I reply and walk up the stairs ahead of him. I walk into his room and run my hand anxiously through my hair. I hear the door shut behind me so I turn. Charlie is standing in front of his door, his face unreadable.

"So … did you forget a coat?" He asks.

I'm confused for a second and then I look down where my jumper is still dripping from running over here in the rain. "O-oh, yeah. I didn't check the weather before I left." I strip the wet jumper off and adjust my t-shirt. I decide if I don't start talking now I might not ever. "Er, so-"

"WAIT" Charlie interrupts, and my heart sinks. "Can I speak first? I'm just," he takes a breath and when he releases it his shoulders slump and he looks at the floor, "SO SORRY"

I wrinkle my brow in confusion, that is not what I expected to hear Charlie say. What is he apologising for? I'm the one who -

"I'm so sorry," he continues. "It was - I didn't think about what I was doing and it was a stupid thing to do and" he takes a shaking breath and my heart breaks a little bit. What is he saying? Didn't he want to kiss me? "A-and I don't want you to feel awkward about it because it was all my fault!"

"Charlie, hang on -" I say, but he continues like he doesn't even hear me.

"I SHOULDN'T HAVE KISSED YOU" he almost sobs, and I feel like I've been hit. I take a half a step back and blink at him. His eyes are closed so he doesn't see my reaction, he just keeps talking "it was so rude and I bet you just felt pressured to do it because I asked."

Oh no, is this what he's been thinking all night? Of course it is, what did I expect when I left him alone?

"And I know you probably don't want to talk to me ever again!"

I don't think I could actually survive not talking to Charlie ever again. I take a few steps closer to him. "Um … Charlie -"

"Which is fair enough!" He's looking at me again, finally, but I don't know if he's actually seeing me. He puts on a brave face, one I was sure he'd perfected over a year of being bullied. "I'd completely understand".

He is the strongest, bravest, most wonderful person I have ever known, and he is blaming himself when I'm the one who was so unbelievably horrible. "Charlie…"

"But I had to at least say sorry." He says, and this time his voice breaks a bit. We're standing so close to each other now. "A-and see if maybe -"

"Charlie -" I put my hands on his arms, pulling him closer to me. He's still talking and I get the feeling that he had planned what he was going to say and he just needs to get it all out.

"- there's a chance we could still be friends." And now his voice is almost panicked but he carries on. "I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU BECAUSE I DID SOMETHING STUPID"

I grip his arms a little more tightly, trying to snap him out of this. "Charlie" I say softly. He's right in front of me. He thinks I didn't want to kiss him, when that's all I've thought about doing for weeks now. He's beating himself up because of me. I can't take it, so I place my hands gently on the sides of his face, making him look at me. "Charlie…" I repeat, and this time I'm the one who's a little breathless, and still he keeps talking. But at least now it seems like he actually sees me.

"You're p-probably the best friend I've ever had."

As he breathes out the last sentence I pull him closer, and then my mouth is on his and nothing else matters. We stand together there in his bedroom and I kiss him like I've wanted to do for so very long. His mouth tastes like toothpaste. I feel him rise up onto his toes and lean into the kiss. He grips my shirtsleeves with both hands, pulling us closer together and the whole world disappears around us.

I don't know how long we stand there like that, mouths dancing together, clinging to one another like driftwood in a stormy sea.

Eventually we stop kissing, but we don't stop holding each other. We look at each other and there's still a little awkwardness. Finally Charlie says "u-um … you … you've been sending me a lot of mixed signals."

I blink at him and we both laugh a little. If I don't laugh I'm going to cry. I remind myself that I came here for a reason, and it wasn't for Charlie to be the one to apologise. I slide one of my hands down his arm and clasp his hand in mine. My other hand moves to rub my face in exasperation. "Jesus Christ" I say, and then I just kind of collapse into him in a hug. His free arm wraps around me, and the feel of him patting my back flips a switch in me and I break down sobbing on his shoulder. I know I need to pull myself together, but I've been holding on to this all alone for so long and now it's like a dam has broken. "God, I'm so sorry," I cry into his gentle embrace.

We stand like that for a long time too. Charlie's arms tighten around my back, holding me securely as I let out all of the pain and heartache I've been keeping inside for so, so, long. He pats my shoulder comfortingly and I take a deep breath. Get it together Nelson.

I step back and all the things I came to say fall out of my mouth in a torrent. A single run,-on sentence of regret and fear. "I'm just SO SORRY I ran away I was just FREAKING OUT like honestly I am having a proper full-on GAY CRISIS!"

I sit on his bed and breathe deeply for a few seconds, trying to get my emotions under control. After a bit I speak again and my words are steadier now, although my voice is quiet and more unsure than I've ever heard myself. "It's not that I didn't want to … you know …kiss you." The last two words are almost a whisper. Charlie is standing on the other side of the room watching me, his arms wrapped around himself anxiously, and God why do I keep messing this up??

"I was just so confused …" I say, raking both of my hands back through my hair. I put my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands and my voice is muffled as I say again "I've just been so, so confused…" I feel Charlie sit down beside me, but I don't look up. I know if I look at him I won't be able to get this all out. I need to tell him everything. This is killing me, I think it might be killing us both. "A-and I just didn't expect that to happen yesterday. It's not like I didn't WANT to, but I hadn't really psyched myself up and then bloody Harry turns up and I wanted to stay with you but … b-but". I can barely get the words out now, "but I didn't want people to see us doing that. I mean, I'm not ashamed, I'm just … it was just …" I finally find the strength to look at him. "I j-just need some time to figure this out." Charlie looks at me steadily, taking in everything I've been saying. I can't tell what he's thinking when I say, "I just need a bit more time."

Isn't that exactly what Ben told him? Isn't this exactly what Ben did to him? I wouldn't blame him if he told me to leave right now. I look back down at the floor, waiting for him to stand and tell me to get out and never come back.

Instead, a miracle happens.

Charlie wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug. There are no sparks this time, just the comfort and warmth of Charlie holding me in his arms. I think of the first time I wanted to kiss him, when I wrapped my blanket around him and he looked at me and he was so lovely. Now it's like he is the blanket, wrapped snugly around me, making me feel secure and loved. The feeling of safety breaks something in me and for the second time since I got here, I bury my head in his chest and cry, and cry, and cry. After a long while I breathe into him, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," He says, nuzzling the top of my head. "It's okay."

I feel a drop of warm liquid in my hair and hear Charlie sniffle. I blink. Finally pulling back from the hug I ask, "Wait, why are you crying?"

He sniffles again and wipes at his eyes "I just … seeing you sad makes me sad." He makes a silly little self-deprecating noise and we both start laughing, still wrapped up in each other's arms.

I put my head on his shoulder again, not meeting his eyes when I say, "now I've messed up both times we've kissed." I loosen my hold on him and look into his face. "Why can't we just kiss and be happy?"

Charlie gently wipes the tears that are still flowing from my eyes. "You haven't messed it up," he says in the gentlest voice, "and I'm really happy." He smiles at me, and even with the tears on his face, I believe him. He's happy.

He's happy with me kissing him. He's happy kissing me.

"So am I," I reply. We're so comfortable curled up on his bed, my arms around his waist, his hand caressing my cheek, his knees tucked up beside him so that he's curled into a little ball against me, and it just feels so good to be holding him. I'm so mad that I've wasted so much time. I bury my face in his shoulder again and I don't know if I want to cry, or laugh, or hide forever wrapped up in this beautiful boy who has captured my heart.

Some time later he kisses the top of my head and I look up at him. "Do you want a cup of tea?"

"Yes please."

He stands and pulls on the hoodie I lent him on that snowy day, although he's still wearing his pyjama shorts and socks. We leave his room and go to the kitchen to make tea. We keep close to one another, wanting to always be near enough to touch one another. After the heartache of the last 12 hours and lack of sleep we're both giddy. I swing my hips to one side, booping him with my butt, and he boops me back, and it's so silly but we laugh and laugh and oh God it feels so good to laugh with Charlie.

We finish making our tea and he leads me into the conservatory, a huge beautiful room at the back of his house. All of the exterior walls, as well as the roof, are glass. The rain is still coming down hard, and the sound of it hitting the glass all around us is soothing. It's like we're in our own little world.

"Are you sure your family won't … erm … want to use this room?"

"Nah, no one really sits in the conservatory in the mornings."

"Okay," I'm holding the tea in both my hands, allowing the warmth to soak into me, it steadies me. I sit on the couch, and he curls into the space right next to me, tucking his feet under him. He closes his eyes and blows on his tea, a cloud of steam rising from the cup.

Holy shit he is so lovely. I look at him and I can't quite believe that any of this is real. I sip my tea and watch him, not sure of what I should do or say next. I'm still so confused, how can I have been straight my whole life, and then this charming, kind, funny, smart boy shows up and everything is different? Maybe this is what it's like for some gay people? Maybe they always thought they were straight until they met the right person?

"How did you realise you're gay?" I ask.

"Oh," Charlie says, maybe a little surprised at the question. "er," he runs his fingers through his tousled curls, trying to put his thoughts together. "I guess I've always been sort of aware of it …" He smiles a bit at a memory, and his voice is soft, "even when I was really young … From my fictional crushes, to my real ones. I suppose I didn't understand it at the time, but …" He looks back up at me with a gentle smile and in the most delightful voice he says "It's always been boys." He sees the look on my face and laughs quietly, "I'm guessing you didn't feel the same when you were little?"

"Well … no" we both laugh more and I'm not even sure why we're laughing apart from the fact that we're just so elated to be sitting together, in this rain spattered glass room, holding tea, and enjoying the feeling of being near one another.

I think of something else that I'd read about in my research, how loads of gay kids have to hide it from their parents. I don't want to make Charlie's life any harder than I already have, so I ask "do your parents know?"

Charlie leans the side of his head against the back of the couch, looking up at me. "Yeah. And my brother and sister. They're all really chill about it."

He looks so free and happy right now. I wish I could feel like that. I put my tea down and push my hair back off my face. "I … don't know what I am …" I put a steadying hand down on the couch cushion beside me, trying to organise my thoughts. "I've liked girls before," Charlie gently strokes my hand with his fingertips. The soft caress is a reassuring presence, a silent gesture of support. I look up, meeting his eyes. "But now … I like you."

Charlie sits up then, his cheeks suddenly pink, and a sweet smile crosses his face. "You like me?"

I stare at him, disbelief colouring my features for a full five seconds before I break into an incredulous laugh "Was that not obvious?"

Charlie covers his face with one hand and lets out a little giggle "I'm an idiot."

I lace our fingers together and rub the side of his hand gently with my thumb. "I thought … I just liked you as a friend … as a best friend … because, like, I want to hang out with you all the time and I just love everything about you. But I kept wanting to … I don't know … hug you and hold your hand. And then yesterday, when you suggested it, I - I really wanted to kiss you." I look away from him then, ashamed again. "I shouldn't have run away from you! I'm so sorry!"

His hand tightens on mine, just enough to let me know everything will be okay. "No, no," he replies, "I should have just told you I like you instead of just kissing you!"

Now it's my turn to look at him in surprise. "You like me too??"

"Yes?? Obviously??"

We collapse into each other, laughing until we're both breathless. Between chuckles I ask, "Why are we like this?"

After a few minutes we get our giggles under control and sit back up. Only now Charlie is pressed against my side, his head resting on my shoulder. His voice is a warm breath beside me. "I would have said something sooner, but I convinced myself you were straight."

"I don't know what I am." I don't like how broken and confused I sound.

"Well, you could be bisexual," says Charlie matter-of-factly. "Or something else! There are lots of sexualities other than gay and straight!"

"Bisexual…"

"Anyway…" he continues "you don't have to work it out, like, immediately. I didn't just wake up one day like" he releases my hands and stretches his arms wide like a stage magician completing their signature trick, "OH LOOK GUESS I'M GAY NOW!"

I can't believe how lucky I am, how special he is, how delightful he is, I am so grateful to have this lovely boy by my side right now. I laugh more and think about how I haven't laughed this much in maybe my whole life.

"Well …" I say a moment later, "sorry for being all confused."

He gives me a teasing grin and pokes me in the side gently. "Now look who's saying sorry too much!"

"Hey!" I say, pretending to be indignant. I give his shoulder a little shove and now he's laughing again too and I think there's no more magical sound in the world.

We tussle for a moment on the couch until we're face to face again, and he's so close to me, and we're both breathless and oh God I wish I could kiss him.

The rain is still coming down in sheets, the shushing noise and water flowing down the sides of the glass room is peaceful and comforting. We look at each other, and then we both look away at the same time, suddenly shy.

"What do I do now?" How many times have I asked myself that question over the last few months? Maybe Charlie will have the answer I couldn't find on my own.

"You don't have to do anything," he replies and he looks at me with so much understanding and kindness. I am overwhelmed with affection for him. And then I remember; I can kiss him.

I reach up with one hand and run my fingers through his curls like I've wanted to do a thousand times. I place my hand on the back of Charlie's neck and gently pull him closer to me. "But I want to," I say.

Charlie's eyes look deeply into mine for a long moment, maybe deciding if this is a good idea when we're both so emotional. Then he brings one hand up to my cheek, and we come together again. We're kissing, and for the first time I don't feel conflicted at all and it's so intense. Our arms wrap around each other, our legs become a tangle on the couch. I worry that I'm bad at this, but Charlie reassures me that I'm not, proving it by coming back for more.

There, in a room made of glass, the sound of a storm crashing down all around us, unable to tell where one of us stops and the other begins, I think I fall a little bit in love with Charlie Spring.

And then the door opens and Oliver comes running into the room.

"NICK!" Charlie and I both jump with surprise as the little boy bolts into the room and jumps onto my lap, hugging me enthusiastically.

"Hey Olly!" I say, trying to get my bearings. "You okay?"

"Yep!" He clambers between us and sits on Charlie's lap, holding his newest toy tractor in one hand. "Charlie?"

"Yes?"

He gets up on his knees and puts one hand in front of his face right next to Charlie's ear. In the loud way that most children have when they're trying to whisper, he asks "Were you and Nick KISSING?"

I look at Charlie with wide panicked eyes. "Er … no," he says to his little brother. "We were just … hugging."

Oliver laughs adorably, pointing out the obvious, "but I saw your lips touching!"

Charlie looks at me questioningly, and after a little thought, I shrug. Oliver's a cool kid, I don't see any point in lying to him. Charlie meets his brother's eyes. "You've got to keep it a secret, okay? It can be a secret between us three."

"Okay!" Olly says, and then he climbs off of Charlie's lap, using Charlie's face as leverage, and I stifle a snicker. "And mum says we're going to Grandma's in five minutes!" he calls out behind him as he runs out.

I look at Charlie and he looks at me. Neither of us want this to end, but if he doesn't get up now his mum is going to be upset with him. We walk to the front door, and as I put my shoes on I ask him a question that had been weighing on my mind all night. At least, in the parts of the night when I allowed myself to think that this, that being with Charlie, might even be a possibility.

"So … would it be okay if we kept us a secret? Just for a little while." I run my hand through my hair and grip the back of my own neck anxiously, trying to fight down the feeling of shame. I can't meet his eyes. "I'm sorry, I just don't think I'm ready to come out as anything yet."

I feel his hand in mine, and he squeezes gently. He tilts his head until he's looking into my eyes. "It's fine, Nick. I'm just glad we're okay now." He runs his hand through his hair again and his smile is chagrined. "Although I wish I didn't look like an absolute mess!"

Mess? He is, quite possibly, the loveliest sight I have ever beheld. "You don't," I say. I love seeing him in my hoodie. "You look really cute." I graze his cheek with the back of my hand, then brush an errant curl off his forehead like I've wanted to do so many times. "You always … you always look really cute." It feels so good to finally be able to tell him these things. We stand there in his doorway for a long moment, both unwilling to close the door between us.

Charlie's dad calls out that they're leaving soon, and we force ourselves back to reality. He gets an umbrella from the stand and gives it to me. There's a half a moment where I think we might kiss again. But the front door is wide open, anyone could see. I turn and head out the door, opening the umbrella over me. "I'll text you later."

"Okay!!" He replies. It's still pouring down with rain but the umbrella Charlie gave me is keeping me dry. The sound of the rain pattering on the umbrella reminds me of the time we had just spent in his conservatory, wrapped up in each other. I'm walking in a bit of a daze. This day started so badly, but now I'm happier than I've ever been. Charlie likes me. We kissed. Like, a lot. We talked about so many important things, and he doesn't hate me, and he doesn't think I'm some kind of weirdo for liking him even though I've only ever liked girls. And we kissed some more. I feel weightless, drifting down the street lost in memories of Charlie's mouth on mine, his arms around me, the way he held me while I cried. God how did I ever get so fucking lucky?

"NICK!" I turn and see Charlie running up the pavement. This time he's the one who isn't dressed for the weather, but at least he put a pair of trainers on before he ran out of his house in naught but his pyjamas and my hoodie. The rain soaks him as he speeds toward me.

He reaches me in a moment and I stand closer to him, tilting the umbrella until it covers both of us. "Did I forget something?"

Charlie grins at me, looking around. There are no cars driving down the road, no open windows, no people walking up the pavement. There is nobody in the entire world but the two of us. Satisfied that we're completely alone Charlie takes my face in his hands, rises onto his toes, and kisses me again. Just one long, hopeful, wondrous kiss. He pulls back, looking up into my face with a joyful grin, then says, "OKAY BYE." He turns around, and runs back to his house.

I watch him go, and a laugh of sheer delight escapes me. After he's disappeared into his house, I look up into the sky and almost burst with happiness, gratitude, and love.

P.P.S

Nan,

I know this is a very long letter this time. I thought about just throwing out the first two that I wrote, but I don't like hiding things from you.

Very long story short, things all worked out beautifully. I went to the person I hurt, and we talked, and I think everything is okay now. Better than okay, really. Brilliant in fact.

I know I'm being vague, and I'm sorry. I promise I'll tell you everything soon but right now it's … it's just not the right time.

I want you to know that I love you so much. I know I always tell you that I love you but I really want you to know how grateful I am that you share your skills and your wisdom with me. I would never be the person I am today without you.

The next time I see you I'm going to make you the biggest Black Forest Gateau you've ever seen. It'll be bigger than your head. It'll be bigger than Rebecca's handbag, and we both know how big that is. I know it's your favourite, and you deserve something nice.

Love and hugs,

Nicky