I get home from Charlie's and notice that I forgot to lock the front door on my rush to get out. That's good though, because I also didn't bring my keys. Mum's at work so I take the opportunity to go back to bed. I'm exhausted, the last 18 hours have been an emotional rollercoaster. My head is spinning. I don't think I'll be able to get any real rest but I text Charlie to tell him that I'll be trying to sleep for at least a few hours. He replies that he's planning on nappping on the drive anyway and that we'll talk for sure later.

I lay down with the events of the day dancing through my mind. I close my eyes, remembering how amazing it felt to be wrapped up in Charlie's arms, and although I'm sure I'll never be able to, I drift off to sleep almost immediately.

I wake up a little after 5 and immediately check my phone. There are no missed calls or messages, but I text Charlie and he says he's just left his Grandma's and they're on their way home now.

When I left Charlie I felt so happy and confident, but now I've woken up with a knot in my stomach. It's wrong to ask Charlie to keep us a secret. I know he would never force me to come out, or whatever, but I also know how much Ben hurt him. I'm not ashamed of Charlie, I just … I know what the boys at school are like and I don't know if I can handle all the questions and stupid comments, especially from idiots like Harry. How can I answer any questions when I don't even know the answers myself?

I text Charlie and ask him if he's really sure he doesn't mind us not telling anyone yet. He reminds me that if anyone knows what it's like to have something spread around the school before they're ready, it's him. He promises that he doesn't mind.

N - Why are you so great?

C - The nicer I am to you the more chances I will get to hang out with your dog.

I laugh out loud, which disturbs Nellie. I'm laying on my stomach on my bed and she's nestled beside me. The sudden loud noise startles her awake, and she gives me a reprimanding look, but then she licks my cheek.

I wrap an arm around her and snap a selfie, sending it to Charlie.

C - alksjdfhajdsf

C - I just died

C - you can't just send me that without warning!!!!!

My laughter fills the room around me.

C - yeah you know I'm only getting with you so I can see Nellie right

N - I KNEW IT

Charlie stops replying then so I figure someone in the car must be talking to him.

Now that I've had time to process my conversation with Charlie, I open my laptop and type "bisexuality" into the search bar. I've heard the word before, and I can't believe I didn't think of it myself. I was just so focused on "if you're a boy that likes boys, that makes you gay" that I didn't consider that who we are isn't always black and white. There's loads of information, but I see that being bisexual means being attracted to more than one gender, so not just guys or just girls. I'm learning that sexuality is a spectrum and that many people are attracted to more than one gender, and on the other side of the spectrum, some people are not attracted to anyone at all.

The knot that has been in my chest since March starts loosening as I read countless stories of people who always thought they had to choose, people who were confused when they started being attracted to genders they'd never been attracted to before, people who eventually realised that it was okay, normal even, to feel attraction to more than one gender.

The next couple of days at school are like a dream. Charlie and I are the same as we've always been but somehow it's way better. We still sit together in form, although maybe our chairs are a little closer together than they used to be. We chat and tease each other in the halls, we eat lunch together, and we part at the end of each day. Without kissing.

I know I'm the one who asked to keep us a secret, and I still think I need that, but every time we leave each other I wish that I could just not care what anyone thought of me.

On Wednesday at practice Charlie gets hit by a particularly hard tackle. The whole team is crowded around him to make sure he's okay, and I push through all of them. I'm trying not to panic, and failing spectacularly.

"Are you okay?" I ask urgently as I grip his hand and help him back up to his feet.

"Um, yeah. I think so." He says in a shaking voice, and then he steps forward and his knee gives out under him. "Oh," he exhales, his voice tight with pain.

"You're hurt!"

"No, no. I'm fine," he lies. He's not looking at my face.

I wrap Charlie's arm around my shoulder on the same side as his hurt knee, and we start walking back into the locker room. "Miss!" I call over my shoulder to Miss Singh, "I'm just getting Charlie an ice pack."

Behind us all I hear is Miss Singh shouting "OKAY BACK TO THE GAME LADS".

In the locker room I settle Charlie onto a bench and grab an ice pack. "Okay this'll be cold," I say as I kneel on the floor in front of him, gently placing the ice pack onto his injured knee.

"I mean, I kind of expected that," he laughs. I hold the ice pack to his knee and he takes a small breath before saying "you didn't have to do this."

I look into his eyes curiously. Why wouldn't I do this? He's hurt, I can help.

"Seriously," he continues, the anxiety plain on his face, "I don't mind if you want to be a bit more distant at school."

"Hey!" I give his leg a soft squeeze with my free hand. "I promise I'm not doing anything I don't want to." I hope he believes me, but he still looks unsure so I keep talking. "Just because I want to keep us a secret doesn't mean we have to start ignoring each other."

I gently move his other knee so that it can hold the ice pack in place, then put both of my hands on the bench on either side of Charlie. I slowly rise on my knees until we're face-to-face. I lean very close to him, enjoying the way his face flushes at my nearness. "Also," the words coming from me are soft, "we're not really acting any different to before we kissed." I'm closer to him now, our lips centimetres apart. "Apart from doing stuff like this."

I am all but whispering now, and I hear a soft "I … I guess so."

I can't help myself, I lower my mouth to his. We haven't kissed since that day in the rain and I think if I don't do it soon I may actually go mad.

His lips are soft but eager under mine. I keep kissing him, and the fact that I'm on my knees on the floor of a locker room that's about to be filled with other boys doesn't seem to matter very much at all. Not if it means I can keep doing this.

Charlie pulls back a bit, just enough to speak, we're both a bit breathless. "Um, I thought we were gonna try not to kiss at school…"

"Hmmm…just one more kiss then …" We're both smiling as our lips touch again.

Half an hour later practice is over and I'm leaving the locker room. I was going to wait for Charlie to be done, but he said he wanted to talk with Miss Singh. I think he might have just been looking for a reason for us to leave separately and as badly as I feel for keeping us a secret, I really appreciate that he's looking out for me.

As I exit the changing rooms I see a crowd of kids hanging out together on the bleachers. Harry is there, and Ben, a few of the other boys from the rugby team. Imogen and some of her friends from Higgs are there too. As I get closer, I can hear the lads saying things like "go for it!" and,"now's your chance!".

Imogen looks equal parts embarrassed and determined. With the whole lot looking on she says to me "Hey so … this is really random, but … would you maybe want to go out, somewhere, together? Like, sort of a … date?"

Shit. How have I not planned for this? What do I say? Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Everyone is watching us. Imogen is standing directly in front of me, waiting for my response. She's honestly a beautiful girl and we get on so well. Like I said before, if she had asked me this before I met Charlie I probably would have said yes without any hesitation and at least tried going out with her. She looks so vulnerable and I know that if I turn her down in front of everyone she'll be mortified. I don't know what to say, but I look around and all the lads are looking at me expectantly.

"Uh, yeah. Sure. I guess so," I reply with what I hope is a kind smile. I decide I'll talk to her later, when we don't have half the school watching us.

Thursday after school Charlie comes home with me, and we take Nellie to a nearby park. After a while we lay down on the grass, close enough for me to feel the electricity between us, close enough that we could be touching, even though we're not. We lay on our backs looking up into the blue sky, and I speak in a voice only he can hear. "I looked up what bisexuality means… I've been reading about it all week and … I think that might be me." I turn my head toward Charlie and see that he is watching me with serious eyes. "But I'm still not sure." He takes my hand in his and places a gentle kiss on my fingers squeezing my hand reassuringly.

"That's okay!" he says. I can see the compassion in his sparkling blue eyes. "You don't have to be sure! You don't even have to think about it!"

As though I could think about anything else? I chuckle quietly. "It's pretty much all I've been thinking about lately."

"Well," Charlie says, rolling over a bit and using one arm to pull me closer to him, "let me distract you then." Charlie comes in close, I can feel his breath on my face, his eyes on my lips. We are millimetres away from each other, and then I hear people talking as they walk their dog on the nearby path. My heart starts beating at a breakneck speed, I roll away from Charlie onto my back. I'm breathing hard and shaking with fear and adrenaline.

After the people pass us I continue looking up into the sky, working to slow my breathing and heart rate. Why can't I be okay with people seeing me with Charlie? What is wrong with me?

"Sorry," I breathe, shame colouring the only word I can get out.

Charlie sits up, looking down at me. "Don't be sorry!!"

I sit up too and cross my legs. I reach down and pluck a blade of grass, fidgeting with it between my fingers. Finally I admit "I feel bad."

As always, Charlie tries to comfort me, "Nick, I understand. I promise." He gives me a flirty smile, raising one eyebrow, "Can I have an extra kiss when we get back to your house?"

"Y-yeah!!!" I'm looking at him like he's the most wonderful person in the world, which he literally is. Nellie comes running up between us then, with her frisbee, oblivious to the teen drama unfolding in front of her. We get up and spend a while throwing the disc for her to catch. When the sun starts setting Charlie walks us home.

Inside the house alone with him, I feel much more relaxed. It's too bad he's got to get home in time for dinner. I pull him close to me and rest my forehead against his. "What did I ever do to get so lucky?" I whisper.

"I don't know," says Charlie, "I'm pretty sure I'm the lucky one." Our eyes meet, and then we're kissing again, Charlie gets that extra kiss he asked for, and a few more besides.

By Friday morning when I get to school I've decided I very much need to speak to Imogen. I've been putting it off but I really need to tell her that we can't go out. I don't actually know what I'm going to say, which does make things more difficult. I mean, I know technically it's okay to say no to a date for any reason, but I don't know if she's going to understand. Especially since I can't think of any explanation apart from "I just don't like you like that".

When I get to our regular spot outside Truham's entrance Imogen is already sitting on the table as usual, looking at her phone. I sit beside her, nobody else is close enough to hear us, so I decide this is the perfect time.

"Imogen, about our date," I begin, turning to look at her. "See I wasn't sure of …" She's not looked up at me, and when I peer more closely at her downcast face I can see that she's been crying. "Are you okay?"

She looks up at me and her eyes are filled with tears. "My dog died last night."

Oh my God, I can't cancel our date now. You can't cancel a date with someone whose dog just died. "I'm so sorry," I say quietly.

She shows me the picture of her dog that she was looking at on her phone. He's bigger than Nellie, and the white fur on his muzzle and neck tells me he was getting on in years. "He was really old," she says, confirming my thoughts, "so we knew it was coming. I just … I loved him so much." She blinks and a couple of tears escape her eyes and roll down her cheeks. "This is the worst week ever."

How the hell am I supposed to break a date with someone who is having the worst week ever???

She looks back at her phone for a moment and then remembers that I'd been saying something. She looks up at me with her big, sad, eyes and says "What were you gonna say about our date?"

What an absolute disaster. "Uh…" I shake my head like I'm trying to remember what I was going to say. "Uh … no, nothing."

She looks a bit happier as she confirms our plans for the next night. I smile and nod along, my brain working overtime trying to figure out what, exactly, I'm going to do next.

A little while later I'm sitting at our table in form, Charlie by my side. He reaches over with his little finger, grazing mine just enough to get my attention. I look over at him and in a low voice he says, "so… it's kind of my birthday next Tuesday. Me and my friends are going bowling tomorrow. And … um …" he looks down at the desk, running his hand through his hair "I was gonna ask if you wanted to come but I know you don't really know my friends so you don't have to-" He's looking anywhere but at me.

I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm going to say no, but I wouldn't rather be doing anything else. "YES!" I say loudly.

"Nick and Charlie! Keep it down please!" Mr. Lange calls from the front of the room. We both straighten up a bit and nod. He goes back to calling attendance and now I'm the one touching Charlie's little finger with my own. We lean in toward each other and I nudge his shoulder with my own and whisper "Thanks for giving me barely any time to get you a present!"

He smiles, but his face is still shy, "you don't have to get me a present…"

That night at home I try to think of anything I can give Charlie for his birthday. I don't actually have time to go shopping, but I try to imagine what I could even get from a store that would be the right thing.

I don't want to just give him a gift card to some store or something. I could give him a hoodie, but he already seems to be developing a collection of mine. A memory pops up in my mind of the first time he wore one of my hoodies, when we played in the snow. That day that changed everything.

And then I knew exactly what to give Charlie. It's good I've got everything I need here already.

When mum gets home from work that evening I'm sitting in the kitchen, scrolling my phone, trying to decide what to do about the Imogen situation. Mum asks if I've had a good day, and when I don't respond she gives me a concerned look. Mum's pretty great, when she asks how I am she genuinely wants to know, so I tell her what I can. She listens while I explain the situation with Imogen and Charlie. Not the whole situation, obviously, but the fact that I've got a date I don't particularly want to go on, at the same time as my friend's birthday get-together. She looks thoughtful as she puts together a snack from the fridge. "Do you like this girl?"

"Well, her dog died."

Mum furrows her brow. "Uh … not following." She leans on the counter on her crossed arms, watching me as I try to gather my thoughts.

"Well … she was really upset, and I felt bad. She asked me out and I didn't know how to say no. And I tried to tell her we probably shouldn't go out and … I couldn't. Because I didn't want to upset her when she was already crying about her dog."

Mum nods "Oh, okay."

"And," I say, wondering how much I should tell her, "a lot of people are expecting us to get together but, I don't think I like her like that."

"Yeah, you know you shouldn't go out with someone just because you feel sorry for them." She's right, of course. I nod and she turns to pour herself some water from the kettle. "The right girl will come along, just you wait."

Dear Nan,

Thank you for your phone call yesterday, it was really nice to hear your voice. I know my last few letters have been really heavy but I don't want you to worry about me. I think I'm finally figuring things out about myself, things that I never really understood before. That can only be a good thing, right?

Do you remember how when I was little you'd pick me up and we'd go to the beach or the park? You'd walk me around and we'd talk about the people we saw. You always used to tell me that the only way we stop growing as people, is to stop learning about ourselves. You taught me that it's so important to recognize who we are, and how our words and actions can impact the people around us. It didn't really make sense then, but I think it does now.

Speaking of how our words and actions impact the world around us, I spoke to David last week. He's as self-centred as ever, I don't think he's ever once thought about how to grow and learn about himself. He seems to be getting on well at uni though, so I guess that's good.

It's my friend Charlie's birthday next week, so I'm going bowling with him and his friends tonight. I'm pretty excited, I haven't been bowling in ages. I'm a little nervous too, I don't really know his friends, and I worry they won't like me.

I wish I had time to make Charlie a birthday cake, but since the party is in a couple of hours I don't think that's going to work. His actual birthday is on Tuesday so maybe I'll make something for him then.

That's all for now, I think. I promise everything is okay, and I'm just figuring some stuff out. But I think I've got it mostly sorted. I'll tell you everything soon.

I love you so much!

Nicky