How to Make Friends and Annoy Mammals

Nick Wilde had never been particularly fond of heights, and so it should have been a good thing that he was nearing the ground. The unfortunate part was the speed at which the ground was nearing him. With a sucking plop, the fox landed, and sank face first into the deep mud.

"You're dead, Cinnamon!" Sargent Friedkin called from the sideline. "Now get your dirty fur out of my nice mud and get back up there," she ordered, gesturing back up to the rope crossing above. Taking a moment to wipe the mud from his face, Nick put on his best forced grin as he passed the polar bear on the way back up the steps. Just don't look down this time, stupid.

"Have to say it's an improvement, the dirt suits you," a voice from behind him called. "You should have stayed down there longer, fox." Nick didn't need to turn around to recognize the moose's voice. Muja had taken it upon himself to be the fox's tormentor for the week.

"Funny, I think your sister said the same thing," Nick called back as he neared the edge of the platform.

A lazy quip to be sure, but right now he was focused on getting across with at least some of his fur and dignity left. Meant to simulate the bridges and vines of the rainforest district, the wood and rope rungs hung high above a wide pit of mud. Nick was not the only trainee to be covered in mud, but most had reached the far platform and were scrambling down. Just don't look down this time, you stupid fox, he told himself. Taking three quick steps he sprang up and grabbed the first bar and allowed his momentum to carry him forward while reaching out for the next. Just like the old play yard sets… just much higher… don't look down, he repeated the last part to himself as a rhythm, swing, reach, grab, repeat, swing, reach, grab, repeat and repeat. Just when his arms were begging to give in he found himself stumbling onto the far platform. The whole thing reminded him a little too much of that night in the rainforest district, chased by a panther, nearly falling to his death. I'll never let Cotton Tail know but that was the worst part of the whole thing.

"Rose Tail, you going to admire the view or are you going to join the rest of us?" Friedkin's voice came from below.

"Better wash up good tonight, fox, I don't want to be smelling your stink in the dorms." Muja's voice coming over the distance. Nick turned and watched as the surprisingly athletic prey mammal began his swings across the rope ladder bridge. Muja's insults were nothing new to Nick, and honestly the most annoying part was how unoriginal they were. Convinced myself that it might be different once I got here. Yeah, it's not fair. Looking around, Nick confirmed that he was alone on the high platform. Walking towards the ladder to go down, and shielded by his tail, his left leg kicked out at one of the wooden support pillars that anchored the rope ladder. The bridge shook and Nick heard a startled grunt followed a second later by a satisfying plop.

Yeah, it's not fair, but then again, neither am I.

Half an hour later the assembled recruits stood shivering while artificial snow swirling around their feet and an impressive ice wall looming ahead.

"Tundra Town's not just a winter wonderland. Ice walls, hundred foot crevices, avalanches! One wrong slip turns you into a popsicle and you're dead!" Having reminded them of their mortality for the twelfth time that afternoon, Sargent Friedkin gestured her massive paws towards the ice and snow crusted wall. "Climb my little wall here and you ladies can go clean up and get a hot meal in you. First over gets first shower and food."

Nick only had to glance around or sniff the air to detect the dirt and grim covering the recruits. First shower and probably the last with hot water in that old building. Nick thought to himself. And it would be nice to get this mud out.

Unfortunately for the fox this realization was not his alone. In seconds the other recruits were sprinting towards the wall. The first to reach it was Sutaro, the jaguar. Leaping onto the wall, she pressed herself flat against its surface and attempted to use her claws to get a footing on the ice. She's got the speed, but clearly there's not much ice in the rainforest, Nick thought. The jungle predator began to slide backwards and flail to stay attached. What was worse was that the jaguar's fur was sticking to the wall and ripping out in clumps as she tried to find footing. Other cadets were having similar issue – a lion's mane stuck to an ice wall was not a pretty sight. Well, it was pretty funny actually. Muja had managed to dig his hooves into the ice and was slowly making progress. Nick watched it all and shook his head

"So, what's the secret to this one, Nick," came a soft voice to Nick's left. Still larger than Nick, the ocelot was the only other smallish mammal in their class. Jasper was quiet and seemed to blend into the crowd of cadets, but his eyes were always attentive. Nick noted that the small cat was the only cadet not covered in mud from earlier.

"What makes you think there is a secret, or that I would tell you? Figured you'd follow the jaguar, jump, claw, climb," Nick said. Most of the recruits were on their second or third attempt by now. Sutaro had fallen twice and several clumps of fur stayed behind on the wall, painfully marking her progress. The moose was the only one to have reached the halfway point.

"Oh, us spotted ones have to stick together?" He gave a small chuckle. "I've known Sutaro for years. She'll get over that wall even if it takes her the next three hours. Me? I'd rather be having seconds on dessert by then." He turned to face Nick. "You standing back and watching them fall makes me think you already know the way over."

"And if I do?"

"Divide and conquer." Gesturing down to his clean uniform, Jasper continued, "I don't care about the shower, but I am starving. You get the shower and I'll grab you an extra bug burger or cicada wrap before this horde gets to it."

The academy food was terrible, but a day being covered in mud and yelled at by a polar bear would make anyone hungry, as the growl in Nick's stomach reminded him. Muja really looked like he might make it to the top if he waited much longer.

"Fine, and see if you can grab me seconds on dessert." He pointed to the wall. "Move quick and at an angle, zig zag, not straight up. Don't stop moving, your paw and fur will stick if you pause a second. Paw and claw only, any other part of you will slip or stick."

Without waiting for Jasper's reply, Nick took off for the wall. Breaking into a sprint he waited until the last second before jumping. Landing at an angle, he arched his back to keep his stomach or chest from the ice. Using his claws to keep his momentum going to launched forward and up. Zig zagging, he soon passed most of the struggling recruits. Moving at an angle to take him to the top he found himself even with Muja. The surprise and anger in his face was almost reward enough for Nick. Reaching the top, he gave a quick flick of his tail sending a coating of snow and ice falling onto the moose's face. Now that's the icing on the cake, Nick thought as he hopped down the sloped other side. Walking towards the dorms and the promise of a hot shower, Nick looked back towards the wall and frowned as a wide pair of antlers came into view, followed by two hooves. Muja tried to pull himself over the top.

Just at that moment a gold and black spotted streak appeared over the edge. Tumbling past Muja and down the far embankment Jasper stood and brushed himself off before waving at Nick and breaking into a jog towards the dining hall. Not exactly graceful but he got the job done. Satisfied that he would soon be fed. Nick headed for the warmth of the shower. Judy had talked of these physical tests as a grueling ordeal, but so far, some sore arms and muddy fur were the worst of it. Well, one of us has spent years working Tundra Town and having to deal with species ten times our size, and the other grew carrots. Some nice fresh air, light calisthenics, getting to meet and irritate new friends and enemies, all in a day's work.

"Let's see, Mr. Wilde. How about you tell us how you would begin processing this Class B Incident?" Instructor Loganbull, an older bison, peered out over the classroom at Nick sitting in the back. As if on cue most of the other recruits turned to look at him. Standing and scanning the prompt projected on the board, Nick tried to take in all the information. You've been called to the scene of a reported break in at a medium-trafficked store in Sahara Square serving gazelle and smaller clients. Using S.I.A.E.N. explain the steps of preparing the scene for processing, including forwarding to auxiliary units information relevant to responding officer selection….. Crap

"Ah, well what store is it, what does its sell?" Nick asked, both to buy time and get any shred of information

"Does that matter, Mr. Wilde?"

"I'd want that information before I arrived on the scene."

"Fine let's say they sell…coats and sweaters, it doesn't matter," Loganbull said with exasperation.

"A store selling coats and sweaters, in Sahara Square! Well, first off, I'm investigating the owner. Must be a front for something, my first guess would be diamond smuggling." Stop talking, you stupid fox, you're digging yourself deeper.

"Home goods! The items don't matter, Mr. Wilde. Can you answer the question or not?" Every eye was on him now.

"Yes! See, well medium-sized home goods in Sahara Square would be the Whiskers family. The Meerkats clans have cornered the home good for the last few years. So if someone is hitting one of Ms. Flower's places, I would look to one of the rival clans, ahh, maybe the Zappas? Frank's been trying to grow their territory."

"Please go on, Mr. Wilde. I want to see where this ends," the old bison said. "And don't leave out the responding officers."

"Responding officers, yes, well, the Zappas 'allegedly' do some smuggling across districts and are trying to grow ties with Mr. Big's network. So I would ask Officer Snarlov or any of the Tundra patrol to keep an eye out on the warehouses behind the chiller complex for suspicious shipments coming in from Sahara Square." That should cover my bases, Nick thought.

The entire room was silent as the cadets shifted focus between Nick and Mr. Loganbull and back again. The bison remained quiet and regarded Nick for a several long seconds.

"Mr. Wilde, in all my years of teaching that was perhaps the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. At no point in your ramblings did you come even close to answering the question. Your classmates and I are now dumber for having listened to it. Please sit down and may god have mercy on your soul."

Snickers were soon replaced by bawls of laughter as the fox sank as low into his seat as he could. I miss the rope bridge.

"I was embarrassed for you! That's not going to be forgotten by anyone anytime soon." Sutaro sat her tray down across from Nick. "Pretty sure I heard some of the faculty laughing about it when I went past the lounge." She put on her best bad impression of Nick. "Everyone knows that meerkats have been hiding diamonds in sweater vests, just ask the polar bears."

"Tactful as always, Sutaro," Jasper remarked joining them at the table. "I seem to recall you answering that the first step at the mock crime scene was to go interview the victim."

"Seemed like a logical first step," the Jaguar said, poking at the oddly colored mush that the academy insisted was food.

"It was a murder! There was a zebra chalk outline!" Jasper said. His normally quiet voice rising for once.

"Oh, you never know, they might get better." A grin broke across her face as she began to shovel the slop into her mouth.

Much like with the ice wall, Sutaro leapt first, thought second, and tried to figure out the rest once she landed. Despite her tactless quips, Nick liked the jaguar. In the first few weeks of the Academy she and Jasper had been the only ones that made any attempt at friendship with the outcast fox. Few of the others outside of Muja were outright hostile, but most of the others kept a less than polite distance. Probably not that different for Fluffs. She was the joke and I'm the shifty no good fox. While not a pleasant thought, it did make him feel less alone in the situation.

"You know I still think we could play connect the dots with that missing fur, Inkblot," Nick responded back. "I know a skunk that could donate some hair to fill the bald spots."

"And lose my battle scars, no thank you," she said, regarding the patches of fur unevenly re-growing on her arms. She actually appeared to be pleased with herself. "This one was black but looks to be coming in more gold."

"Loganbull's a jerk to just about everyone, he'll have a new target by next week and you'll be forgotten," Jasper said in a not-so-convincing tone. "But you do need to work on those answers, Nick. Guessing that first test was not too favorable?"

The ocelot may have been more tactful, but "not too favorabl" was still an overstatement. He had catastrophically, undeniably, and categorically flunked their first written class exam. Around midway down the exam sheet the sea of red X marks had stopped and a single big red NO written instead.

"Might be an area or two I need to review," Nick replied, suddenly interested in the contents of his plate. Is this supposed to be broccoli? It's so mushy. Jasper and Sutaro looked at Nick and then at each other.

"I've got a few supplement books I can lend you. Might help fill in what you're missing," Jasper offered.

"We're trying to get some of the others together in few days for a good old study session. Nothing like a study session to build the ghost made from corpses or what not," Sutaro offered.

Now it was Nick and Jasper who stared at the grinning Jaguar and pondered the confusing and macabre imagery. Finally, it was Jasper who slowly started smacking his shaking head. "God, why did I think I could teach you French."

Having agreed to take the study material and meet for a study session, Nick wandered back towards the kitchen. He had seen strawberry pie listed on the menu board and hoped that just maybe they wouldn't be able to mess pie up as much as…well whatever the heck I just ate.

The serving area and the kitchen were mostly empty when Nick come in. A single sheep was cleaning dishes in the back corner and not noticing Nick. Studying the enclosed dessert shelf Nick was disappointed to see that there was in fact no strawberry pies remaining and just a smattering of sad looking blueberry pies under the heat lamp. Nick had recently discovered just how good blueberries could be and somehow these seemed like a poor substitute. I should make her a decent pie next time I get ahold of those Hopps family berries, Nick idly thought to himself turning away, resolving to skip dessert.

"Oh! Sorry, can I get you anything?" A nervous sounding voice echoed from behind him in the kitchen. Nick looked over his shoulder to find the sheep hesitantly walking towards the counter, drying her hands on her apron. Her eyes seemed to be looking everywhere other than directly at him. You would think I would be used to that by now. Still made his stomach sink just a tad to see the prey mammal shy away.

"Not unless you have any more strawberry pie, thanks, though." Nick started towards the door. No need to give the poor sheep a heart attack from having to face the conniving mean fox.

"Wait!" she called out. "If you wait here a minute I've got one more in the oven." She stepped from behind the counter but kept her distance.

"I can come back in a few minutes and see if it's done." Nick was a bit surprised by the offer.

"It will be just a minute, hon, and nice and hot if you just wait a few." She was still regarding him, nervously toying with her apron ends.

"Umm, ok, sure, can't beat hot pie," Nick said trying to judge the situation. They both stood in an awkward silence before the sheep blurted out

"You're the fox right?"

"Yes, I suppose I am a fox," he paused for a brief moment, "at least the last time I checked."

"No, I mean the one from the news, the one that caught Bellwether."

And I thought this was awkward before. His name hadn't appeared in most of the press coverage but photos of Judy announcing the arrest and taking questions often had him in the background. "Bunny Z.P.D Officer Assisted by Fox Civilian in Uncovering Conspiracy." But his name was out there for the curious and indeed was the reason he had been accepted into the academy in the first place.

So here was a sheep asking if he was the fox that had brought down the corrupt vice mayor that was attempting to stir up interspecies violence to secure prey supremacy, and yes that vice mayor was a sheep.

"Yeah, I guess I am the fox from the news." His desire for a slice of pie was suddenly outweighed by a desire to be anywhere else. The small sheep finally met Nick's eyes and seemed to be trembling even more. A surge of energy seemed to be brimming up inside of her. Am I about to be attacked by an irate kitchen sheep? Of all the ways to be murdered this hadn't even made my top ten.

With a sudden explosion of energy she took a leap forward, coming right up to Nick who had raised his arms and taken a step back. "Can I get a picture? Sorry but no one is going to believe that I know you without a picture, well not that you know me, I mean that I've seen you or… Hi I'm Bitsy Butterhorn."

Nick stood frozen, his jaw slowly working its way open and down into a look of confusion and shock. Being asked for a selfie was not how he expected this day to go.

"Oh sorry, came on too strong there, didn't I," she said, taking a step back and resuming fidgeting with her apron. "My sisters always said 'Bitsy you shoot out the gate so fast the wool don't know which way to go.' It's a sheep thing, we've got some saying about foxes too you know, but I don't think you would like them too much, my uncle…"

"Whoa, hold up, fluff cloud," Nick interrupted the rambling ewe and regained some of his own composure. "You want a photo with me? Can't imagine I've got much fan mail coming in from the sheep clubs."

"Oh you would be surprised, but yes, a lot do want to see you sheared and the Bellwether apologists are, well troubling to say the least. Still you've made me kind of well..." and here she lowered her voice, "Kind of a badass."

"Can't say I'm following you there."

"I mean a sheep supervillain! Who would have thought it? She made that lion look like a kitten. Oh, I mean it's terrible, and I hope she rots in prison, but now everyone here looks at me a bit differently. 'Maybe Bitsy has a secret,' maybe old Ms ButterHorn not such a flock follower. The girls in my book club let me choose the book for this month!" she actually let out a small squeak of excitement. "Do you know the last time that happened?"

"Can't say I do." Nick couldn't help but chuckle at the absurdity of the conversation he found himself in.

"Never! And now we're going to be discussing 'Sheep Thrills, My Life Behind Baahs' next week. I figured a criminal justice theme would work well since most of us work here. Julia wanted to do…"

"Yes, let's take that picture! Hell, I declare you president of the Nick Wilde fan club," Nick said, interrupting the excitable sheep.

Still shaking with excitement Bitsy pulled her cellphone out of her apron and handed it to Nick before pressing herself into his side. It really is so fluffy, like a cloud attempting to smother me, Nick marveled as he leaned down and held up the phone to get them both into frame. He started to put on his well-practiced, harmless friendly fox smile but instead got a quick elbow in his rib.

"No, look fierce! Like we're up to something. Taking down evil doers, or maybe we are the evil doers!" Bitsy did her best to bare her teeth in a menacing fashion, which to Nick didn't really have the intended effect, unless the idea was to make her look even more silly. While not baring his fangs must try to keep some dignity at least he did put on a frown and squinty eyes that was at least somewhat shady looking. The resulting photo looked less intimidating and more like Nick had smelled something unpleasant while Bitsy had just bitten a sour lemon. Still it was a photo of a fox and a sheep squished together in friendship.

"Perfect, maybe I'll just casually leave it out at book club," she pondered. "Heck, I think this whole thing is the reason I got the promotion."

"Promotion?" Nick asked, wondering what she must have done before if dish washing was the promotion.

"Oh, I'm in charge of the entire kitchen! Ten years as a secretary and now I'm in charge of everything from ordering supplies to cooking." She leaned in towards Nick as if to reveal a secret. "And I don't know how to cook! I've been scrambling all month following this old recipe book with half the pages missing, not that I think anyone can tell."

As if on cue Nick started to smell a faintly unpleasant burning smell.

"Perfect! I think your pie is ready!"