"Alright, Ma," Jodie said as he came down the stairs, "I got the video camera set up in the nursery, now whatever Scotty's doing, we'll find out."
"Unless he knows how to take the camera apart," Mary replied in a worried tone.
"Ma, he's not going to know how to do that," Jodie said
"Why not? He can fly, he can move furniture across the room, he can draw in cubism, a baby that can do all that can probably figure how to take apart a video camera."
They both heard traffic outside, Jodie went to the front door and looked out. "Hey there's a lot of cars out here…Ma, it's Burt, and Jessica, they're all back!"
"Oh thank God!" Mary said as she moved over to the door.
Jessica was the first through the front door at the Campbell house and held her arms out at her sides as she saw her sister in the living room.
"Mary!"
Mary's eyes about bugged out of her head and her jaw dropped as she ran over to her sister and hugged her as the rest of the family piled in through the door and hugged Jodie, Eunice, and Annie. "Jessica! I was so worried!"
"Oh I'm fine, Mary," Jessica said as she pulled back, "you know, if I wasn't going to be executed, it really would've been a lot of fun, I met some very pleasant communists there."
Mary hugged her again. "Oh thank God you're home. But what happened?"
"Oh Mary," Jessica looked at her, "Saunders blew up the communist headquarters in Malaguay," she chuckled coyly and asked, "can I pick a butler or what? Oh, but Mary, by any chance do you have something in the kitchen to eat? I am absolutely starving, we had to spend 10 hours on the plane ride home, which was okay except there were no stewardesses to bring us food because there wasn't any kitchen so there wasn't any food to bring, and of course they offered me a last meal before I was executed, but I had to send the food back four times because it was absolutely awful, and Saunders came with the rest of the men so he could blow up the communist headquarters so he wasn't home to cook lunch, so by any chance is there something we can eat?"
"Oh Jessica," Mary tipped her head back and groaned.
"Well Mary, it's no big deal, just toast and coffee can tide me over until Saunders can cook lunch," Jessica said.
Mary shook her head. "I quit drinking several days ago, Jess, but then I was so mad at Burt that I went back to eating, and then when everybody left for Malaguay to find you, I was so worried I couldn't eat, but I couldn't stand still either, so I've been cooking…I couldn't eat but I've been cooking, so in the kitchen there's lasagna, a roast duck, a chef's salad, a triple chocolate cake, and a double batch of fudge nut brownies."
"So there is something to eat," Jessica said. "Well that's good because I brought back with me a couple more mouths to feed." She turned to the two communists and introduced her sister, "This is Sandy."
"General Sandia if you please, miss," the man said.
"And this is Private Esquivo."
Mary waved at the two men, "How do you do?"
"Very impressed with what we've seen of America so far," General Sandia answered.
Mary leaned over towards her sister and asked, "Jessica, what are they doing here?"
"Well, Mary, there's a little problem," Jessica told her. "You see, Sandy saved me from the firing squad…because he's fallen in love with me and wants to marry me."
Mary's jaw dropped. "What about El?"
"He still wants to marry me too."
"Well Jessica, what are you going to do?" Mary asked.
"I'm not sure yet," the redheaded sister answered, "first I'd like to eat, it'll be easier to make a decision on a full stomach."
Mary was struggling to even think, let alone form a sentence, "there's not enough room at the table."
"Oh well Mary that doesn't matter, anybody who can't sit at the table can just pile in here and sit on the couch to eat," Jessica replied.
"Uh Jess, excuse me," Burt said, nudging her, "can I get in here?"
"Oh of course, Burt," Jessica stepped to the side.
Burt hugged his wife and told her, "Oh boy, Mare, did I miss you."
"I missed you too, I can't believe you did that," she told him, "it was so brave…and so stupid!" she hit him.
"Hey!"
"Don't you realize you could've been killed?" Mary asked. "What were you thinking?"
"That if anybody was going to bring your sister back, it was going to be me," Burt said. "Hey come on, Mare, we were never in any real trouble, we had Saunders with us, and Billy, and your father, and Chuck and Bob-"
"Oh that makes me feel better," Mary dryly remarked.
"Mom," Danny came up behind Burt.
"Danny!" Mary about wept as she moved to hug him.
"Go ahead, hit him," Burt told her, "you hit me for going because it's dangerous? This is your own son, hit him too, Mare, hit him."
"Oh Danny," Mary said, "I'm so glad you're home and you're safe."
"Not for long," Chester said as he appeared in the living room. "I have a little matter to finish with this scourge of the earth."
"What are you talking about, Chester?" Mary asked in an annoyed tone all the while Danny rolled his eyes.
"Well, Mary," Chester said in a tone both smug and accusing, "it might interest you to know that your son was in bed with my wife."
Mary's eyes rolled one way and another as she tried to piece together what he'd just said, and all she could come up with was, "Huh?"
"It's a long story, Mom," Danny told her.
"Oh it's a very short story," Chester said, "Danny slept with Annie, so now I have to kill him."
"Chester, that's your own son!" Mary told him.
"And Annie is my wife! Do you know how sick that is?" Chester asked.
Burt came up and shoved Chester and the two men got in each other's faces and the men around them started yelling. The whole thing was broken up by a sharp, ear-piercing whistle, which was coming from Jessica, with two fingers pressed between her teeth.
"That's enough," she told everybody. "Whatever happened, whoever did what to whom, or with whom, I propose a truce until after everybody's had lunch, does that sound fair?"
All the men looked around at one another and nodded collectively.
"Alright then," she lightly pressed her hands together and walked demurely towards the kitchen, "now let's eat."
"Oh boy, Mare," Burt groaned after the meal was over, "that's the best lasagna you ever made."
"Si, si," El added, "I have never had lasagna before in my life and that is muy muy bueno."
"Mm-hmm," Danny merely groaned in agreement.
"I concur," Saunders added. "My compliments to the chef."
"Thank you, Saunders," Mary bowed her head slightly.
"And that triple chocolate cake just hit the spot," Bob said while Chuck drank a cup of coffee. "I'll be breaking out in zits in no time."
"Ooh, Mary," Jessica dabbed her mouth daintily with a napkin, "that was the best welcome home meal I've ever eaten. I should get captured by communists more often."
Everybody had a laugh at that.
"Oh no," Mary shook her head, "once is enough for the rest of my life."
"Me too," Billy agreed.
The men simultaneously murmured in agreement.
"Well," Jessica put her napkin down, "now that lunch is over, I do believe it's time to get things settled once and for all."
"Right," Chester pushed back his chair and jumped to his feet and told Danny, "I'm going to kill you."
"I would like to see you try you dog," El said as he came up behind him, "we have a duel, remember?"
"No you don't," Sandia grabbed El by the shoulder and spun him around, "we have a duel, remember? Jessica is going to marry me."
"She's going to marry me," El insisted.
"She's going to marry me!" Chester told them.
"You can't marry her, you're married to Annie," El pointed out.
"Not for long!" Chester replied. "First I'm going to kill Danny, then I'm going to kill her for cheating on me with my own son."
El busted out laughing. "You call that a reason? Please! You cheated on Jessica with anything that moves, that's all the more reason for me to kill you."
"Pardon me, gentlemen," Saunders subtly pushed his way into the center of things. "But may I point out the neighbors on this side of town are far more likely to call the police if they hear the exchange of gunfire. So I suggest we move this matter back over to the Tate household where the neighbors have learned to think little of the Major planting landmines in the tulip bed."
"You know, he's got a point," El said.
"Very well then," Chester replied, "pistols at dawn on the front lawn. Let's go."
"It'll be much quieter with you dead," General Sandia commented as they fell in line and walked to the door single file, "ten hours on the plane and all you do is complain, complain, complain."
"Oh shut up."
"You shut up you fat ugly America," Sandia replied.
"You shut up you communist pig," Chester retorted.
"Hey!" El hit him on the shoulder.
Chester rolled his eyes as they went out the door, "Sorry, dog."
"That's more like it," El said as the door closed behind them.
"This just doesn't make any sense at all," Mary told Danny and Annie when both families had gathered together at the Tate house. "Chester was a killer but he was legally insane at the time, he's not insane now."
"Well he's sure acting like it," Burt commented. "Maybe that brain lesion came back?"
"No," Mary shook her head, "he's just a pig."
"Don't let El hear you say that," Dutch suggested, "he'll have a cow."
"The pig has a cow?" Burt snorted and nodded, "Oh yeah that makes a lot of sense."
"This is so interesting, Mary," Jessica said as she sat down by her sister on the couch, "I've never seen a real life duel before, who do you think will win?"
"I'm afraid to guess," Mary replied.
"Alright, now let's figure out who goes first," Chester announced.
"That is easy, we go first and I kill you," El said, "then I kill General Sandia."
"In your dreams," Sandia replied, "first I kill you, then I kill him."
"Wrong," Chester said, and pointed to Danny, "first I'm going to kill him for sleeping with my wife."
"Chester, you walked out on me," Annie pointed out.
"That doesn't matter," Chester replied.
"Chester, you were willing to throw away your marriage to Annie to try and get me back," Jessica reminded him.
"That has no bearing on this, Jessica," Chester said.
"Oh no?" Jessica folded her arms and asked, "you cheated on me for over 20 years with chambermaids, secretaries, nurses, so maybe the real question is why shouldn't I be allowed to shoot you?"
"Jessica, that was different," Chester deflected, "I never cheated on you with anyone in the family."
"Ha-hem," Mary cleared her throat as she stood up with her arms folded tight against her chest.
Chester slowly turned towards her with a wincing look. "That was different, I was sleeping with you first before I got engaged to Jessica, and you know what the reasons why for that, your mother was going to put my father in prison if I didn't marry Jessica for embezzling her money."
"Like father, like son," Mary remarked.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Chester demanded to know.
Mary dropped her arms at her sides and reminded him, "You went to prison for embezzling too."
"Yes but that wasn't my fault, I was a sick man, I was legally insane at the time," Chester said.
"And now you're just going to be a plain murderer," Mary said. "You can't shoot anybody."
"I most certainly can, this is my house," Chester replied.
"Not anymore," El pointed out, "Jessica threw you out to the pool house, you are the gardener." He and General Sandia both had a good laugh at that.
"Yeah well we'll see about that when all of you are dead and I get Jessica back," Chester told them.
"Why did you marry me if you just wanted her all the time?" Annie wanted to know.
"Because you were there and easy," Chester flippantly answered.
"Hey, you can't talk to her like that!" Danny told him.
"I can talk to her any way I want, I'm her husband," he replied.
Everybody closed in on one another and started pushing and shoving and yelling at each other, before the fight was broken up by the sound of a whistle blowing. Everybody stopped and looked around in confusion and finally saw it was Saunders standing at the kitchen doorway with a tray, containing four pistol on it.
"I believe I have the perfect solution for this matter," he said, "a Mexican standoff, everybody gets a gun, everybody faces one another and everybody shoots at the same time, and whoever's still alive at the end of it is the winner. Does that sound fair?"
"Sure," the four men answered in unison. They all lined up to take a gun off the tray but then got into a fight about who got which one.
"That's enough, soldiers!" the Major yelled at them and stormed to the front of the line. "I will handle this myself." He picked one gun up at a time and gave it to one man at a time.
"Oh Danny," Mary's heart was in her chest.
"Don't worry, Ma, I'll be fine," Danny assured her.
"Yeah, I'll cover you," Burt told him. "Let me get my bat."
"No, Burt," Danny said. "This is something I have to do myself."
Everybody went outside to the front lawn, the four men in question went out to the middle of the yard while everyone else stayed up by the house.
"I can't watch this," Mary said as she turned to Burt and buried her face in his chest.
"I can't either," Burt said and squeezed his eyes shut tight.
Private Esquivo counted off the men's paces from one another until they were all in a perfect square and gave the order for them to fire. Everybody turned and pointed their guns at one another, Danny pointed his at Chester, Chester pointed his at Danny, El pointed his at Chester and Sandia pointed his at El. Everybody was expecting a deafening explosion of gunfire, but to everybody's shock and amaze and awe, there was just a rapid sound of clicks, as each man tried to fire his weapon, and none of them went off. They looked at each other in complete puzzlement at this lack of events.
"What happened?" Danny asked.
"Somebody emptied the guns," Chester said.
El checked his and shook his head. "No, this one's loaded."
"So's mine," Sandia added.
Danny checked his. "And mine. This doesn't make sense."
Mary turned and looked at them and exclaimed as she clutched her chest, "Oh thank God! It's a miracle!"
"Miracle, it's a miracle!" Burt threw his fists in the air and let out a high pitched whoop of victory and moved over to Danny. "Danny, you're alive!"
"Well, I guess that settles that," Jessica told the men. "I really don't think it would be a good idea to try again after a sign like that."
"You know, Red's got a point," El told the others.
Even Chester's eyes rolled upward and said uncertainly, "Yes…the next time lightning may hit." He grimaced as he considered the possibility all of his 'mays' that he swore to Jessica for years on end to conceal his affairs, might actually come true.
"Well if nobody's going to shoot anyone, I guess we're going to have to figure out some different arrangements," Jessica suggested. "Let's all go in and have Saunders fix us some drinks while we come up with a new plan."
The four men who tried to kill each other went in first while everybody else lagged behind for a moment to take in what had just happened.
"Oh!" Mary looked skyward as she sighed in relief, "I can't believe it. I was so worried."
Burt nodded. "Me too."
"It's a miracle," Mary repeated, "thank you, God."
Saunders inched his way over to the Campbells and murmured confidentially, "Well, not exactly."
"Huh?" Burt asked.
"What?" Mary asked.
"It's really a simple matter of fact," the butler told them, "that it is impossible to fire a gun…" he pulled his hand out of his pocket and revealed four small pieces of metal, "without the firing pin."
Mary's eyes doubled in size. "Saunders, you did that?"
"Of course, Mrs. Campbell," Saunders said with a small twinkle in his eyes and a slight smirk on his face, "by suggesting we come back here for the big showdown, it gave me ample opportunity to handle the guns and remove the pins without anyone noticing."
"How'd you do that?" Burt asked.
"Don't you know, Mr. Campbell?" Saunders asked, "the butler always does it. The mystery writer Mary Rinehart originated that concept in 1930."
"Oh? You read her books?" Burt asked.
"No," Saunders answered. "I was her butler for a brief period after one of her previous servants tried to kill her."
The Campbells did a double take.
"What did I tell you, Mary?" Jessica asked. "Can I pick a butler or what?"