AN: Missed me?

Namjoon's perspective:

An untouched block of clay is not art.

An untouched block of clay is untapped potential.

An untouched block of clay holds infinite possibilities.

But if it's left untouched then it is nothing but the failure of an uninspired mind.

That's what my favorite teacher nailed into the brain of his students until we, or I started repeating it to myself.

'A lazy, tired, irresponsible…distracted…moron!'

I punched the block of clay I'd been staring at for about an hour.

Seeing Jungkook in my mind's eye. Moaning because of my hand.

That's all I achieved that day.

'He didn't mention it once after he yelled at me.'

Even if I were to use my anger as my motivation and inspiration.

I was still too caught up in it to figure out how to express it using the clay.

I turned off the lights after staring at the shape that my fist had left in the material.

As soon as I made it outside the building, I wondered where Jungkook could be hiding.

But in the corner smokers used to hide from the teachers, there was only Min Yoongi dirtying the air.

"He's not here." He absently told me without me having to ask.

"Do you know where he is?"
He turned his head slowly as if my question bothered him. Staring at me without blinking for a moment.

"Thanks for nothing."
I turned around but halted as soon as the words: "You're quite the protective brother. Or shall I say, a tad obsessed?", went past his lips.

"Did I ask for your opinion?"
"Doesn't seem healthy to me. Just saying."
"Smoking is not healthy either and you don't hear me reminding you of it every time I see you lighting one up."
"That'd be kind of annoying."
"You think?"
I walked away without attempting to change his mind.

'I am not obsessed. I am just a good brother. And a good brother…'

I was going to pretend that I was taking a walk when I spotted him on the ground. Collar gripped tightly by the hands of a guy who had his fist up in the air while Jungkook was covering his face with his hands. A girl was standing two steps behind them, begging the guy to stop.

Some kind of thin wooden miniature town was also on the ground. Wrecked but not forgotten, next to the three of them.

I tried to walk normally. I tried to think about doing something that would not get me in trouble. I tried not to grab the hair of the guy who was about to punch Jungkook for the first or tenth time.

But I blinked and the guy was already screaming under my fingertips.

"Let go! Let me go!"
"What the fuck do you think you're doing to my brother?!"
The girl stepped up, a hand reaching out to whom I assumed was his friend. She did not seem like she was brave enough to defend him physically. But she did quickly explain the situation while all he did was groan and plead.

"We worked on it for three weeks! And he just bumped into us while we were moving it. The project is due tomorrow, so he…"
"He thought he should punch my brother until the thing rebuilds itself?!"
"No, he…well…kinda."
I pulled him away from Jungkook by his hair.

"I am sorry! I am sorry!"

I looked down at Jungkook. And saw that there was only a red spot on his cheek and yet, I couldn't keep myself calm.
"How many times did he punch you?!"
"Just once. Once! Namjoon, let him go!"
"Maybe I am insane, but if you just fucking went to your teacher with him and explained what had happened together then I wouldn't need to break your face."

"I am sorry! So sorry!"
"He didn't punch me! I made it up!" Jungkook suddenly changed his answer.

But my fist was already raised and when I turned him around, it made contact with his cheek. That's when I remembered how much better it felt to punch skin, instead of clay.

Jungkook grabbed onto my arm and pulled me away from them as soon as the guy was on the ground, holding onto his cheek.

"Touch my brother, and I'll…!"
"Stop, just stop."
I let him pull me toward the room I just came out of.

He was locking the door while I was left staring at the first punch of the day.

"I thought we already talked about this last year!"
He yelled from the door.

And I hoped he would've stayed there. But instead, he walked up before me. Showing me the red part of the lip that I didn't notice before.

"Did he punch you twice?"
"What? No."
"Your lip."
"Namjoon, it doesn't matter if he was trying to kill me. I told you one year ago, and a few years before that too. Don't beat people up for my sake! I can… defend myself."
"Oh, so, you wanted me to just watch?"
"He wasn't going to punch me again! He's a wuss. Besides, it was my fault. I ran into them!"
"Why?"
"Why…what?"
"Why were you in such a hurry that you couldn't see the toothpick town until you destroyed it?"
"I…"
"Where were you going Jungkook?"
"That doesn't matter. What matters is that you cool off and apologize to them for overreacting."
I closed the distance between us and breathed the words out on his forehead: "Where-were-you-going?"

His hands went up, along with the corners of his mouth.

"See…you're not going to believe me when I tell you."
"Try me."
He was clearly trying to come up with something but couldn't.

I would've pointed it out immediately. If only I could've stopped staring at the redness of his lip.

'Is that how it would've looked like if he bit it?'

He wasn't badly hurt. I could see it. But I still felt guilty for not stopping it before it happened.

"See, I…the thing is…"
"The thing is?"

"Taehyung…"
"Was not with you."

I crossed my arms to keep myself from overreacting to the wrong person.
"Yes. Because I was on my way to him!"
"To do what?"
"To…show me something. He was really excited about it. So, I got excited too. Which is why I was…running."
A nervous grin that should convince me.

The small tongue licked his lower lip after.

And I put my hand on his right cheek to see if he'd flinch.

He didn't.

But he did step back.

'A good, fucking, brother.'

"How about we go see what Taehyung was dying to show you, right now, together."
"Yes, let's…go."
As soon as I made it to the door, his hand reached out and held onto my arm.

And in a low, guilt-ridden voice, he admitted: "I lied."

Looking over my shoulder, I couldn't hold back a smirk.
"No shit. You? I can't believe it."
"Sorry."

But when I was facing him with my whole body; the anger came back tenfold.
"Tell me what you got punched for Jungkook!"
"I can't."
"How many times do you want to hear me asking why?"
"You'll get upset."
"I'll get upset if you lie again."

He seemed to be pondering about it. And then he just put his hands up again, stepping back. Smiling just as fake as before.
"Can we just pretend nothing happened?"
'Did I not tell you not to let another guy touch you?'

"No. Try again."
'No. Using something he didn't agree with in the first place is a horrible excuse to touch him. But then again, claiming that I was that concerned about owing him a blowjob wasn't a genius move either.'

I crossed my arms again, to physically keep myself in check.

"How about… I tell you about it tomorrow?"
"Try again, Jungkook."
"I don't want to make you upset!"
'Then why were you about to do something that you know will upset me in the first place?!'

"One-last-try."

He crossed his arms too. And like a brat, inquired:

"Or you'll do what?"
I smiled.

Feeling my blood boiling in my veins.

Irking to pull on his hair just to hear his moan for a second. I wouldn't pull hard but just enough for him to react.

'No. He just got punched. What the hell is wrong with you?!'

"Jungkook," I calmly started, walking by his side, wrapping my hand around his shoulders, "…how do you feel about me following you around for the rest of the day?"
"Don't you have class?"
"Don't you have class too?"

He lowered his head, sighting the word:

"…yeah."
"If you were planning to skip then let's skip together. We'll go home and stay inside until tomorrow. Just you and me."
"You already know, don't you?"

I could feel the vein pulsating in my temple when I grinned, holding onto his shoulder tightly. And spitting through clenched teeth: "If I knew, I wouldn't have to keep asking to be told. Now, would I?"
"Let's go home then."

My hand held onto the air for a second when he stepped forward.

"If it's that bad. Then it must be drugs, Jungkook. So, just tell me."
"…it isn't drugs."
"It is a party or were you just going to take something with a dude you've known for five minutes?"
"…party."
"It's not even dark yet."
Hand on the knob, he whispered: "I promised not to take anything from strangers anymore. I was not going to break my promise. Taehyung knows the guy. I just… needed some money, so I was going to ask for some."
"From your mom?"
"Yeah."

I tried to conceal the fact that I was feeling hurt by not only not getting invited but also because he would've rather taken something someone else had than whatever I would've gotten for him.

'So, it's something you think I wouldn't agree with?'

However, there was only one way I could stay by his side.
"I have money. Let's go."
I said, opening the door and walking out.

I guessed that there would be a few more hours left until the party started. But I did not expect to find myself in Taehyung's room. Watching them play on his PS4, while I was wondering how to tell his Oscar-winning actor of a parent that we're going to be late. Like right around the time that she and he would usually be in REM sleep.

But as soon as the phone made it to my ear, I saw Taehyung wrapping his arm around Jungkook's shoulder. Laughing together only because one of them made a mistake in the game. Must've been something very easy to do because it sparked the need for a side hug.

"Hello?"
"Hi, Mom. I called to let you know we're going to be late tonight. So, you don't have to worry."
"Thank you for letting me know. Take care of Jungkook for me, ok?"
An eyebrow went up at the lack of the woman's usual interrogation. And also, at how close Taehyung was sitting next to Jungkook.

"Ok."
'I'll be taking care of him, all right.'

"Love you!"

"…ok."

And she hung up.

I took the phone away from my ear and stared at it, not believing what I'd just heard.

"Jungkook?"
"Jump! Jump!"
"Jungkook!"
Taehyung paused the game, so Jungkook could actually turn around and look at me.

"Yeah?"

"Did you call both our grandparents?"
"Yeah, why?"
"You spoke to both of them?"
"Yes! Why? What happened?"
'The crazy woman just said: I love you.'

"I told her we were going to be late and she just went, great, take care and then hung up."

"She was probably busy." Taehyung assumed, shrugging his shoulders.

"Is that all?" Jungkook asked.

"Mhm."

He pressed play and went back to his game.

I was left squinting at his back while Taehyung kept touching his hand. Albeit, to slap it because that somehow would've made Jungkook's character run through the fire hazard faster.

I walked over, forcing them apart by sitting down right between them.

Jungkook let out some low growls. But otherwise, he kept staring at the screen, not blinking. Mouth agape.

Taehyung however was not as busy since his character had already reached as far as it could on its own. The side of his screen was perfectly still while the guy was glaring at me.

I knew I was being petty. But today was just not my day.

So, just to make sure I sent my point across, I innocently but swiftly lifted my arm up and hung it around Jungkook's shoulders.

He didn't seem to notice, to my dismay.

But I achieved one raise of Taehyung's eyebrow. I caught it. Then he switched his attention back to the screen.

'You got that? Good.'

When Jungkook finally made it to where Taehyung's character has been waiting for about thirty minutes, he got up to go to the bathroom.

And the silence that followed as soon as the door was shut behind him, was deafening. Unnerving.

I wasn't planning to break it. But Taehyung had to.

"I am not into him."
I felt like I got punched.

I turned slowly, controlled, and smirked. Trying to look as surprised as I could. And not as pleased as I was.

"Excuse me?"

"Jungkook. I don't have a crush on him."
"Did I ask?"
"No. But I thought that'd help you calm down."
"I am calm. I don't give a single fuck whether you two…"
"Every time you tag along, you always put your arms all over him. You insert yourself in the conversation in a way so only you two know what you're talking about."
"We're brothers, Taehyung."
"But you're not. Not really."
The second punch.

I was stunned.

This tall, square-faced boy was looking at me as if he knew everything. As if I was that obvious.

'…Every time? I always put my arms all over him?'

Jungkook came out of the bathroom looking at his phone. And sat down next to me, only to stare at Taehyung.

"Why didn't you start doing the puzzle?"
"I was waiting for you."

'I insert myself into their conversations? Every time?'
"So, what do I have to do?"
He picked up the controller and leaned forward. Far away my arm.

"You gotta use your special skill to make it to the other side and pull the lever so I can jump…"
'"A tad obsessed."'

"Really, Jungkook? Just use both at the same time."
"I am trying!"
'No…I am not… I am only taking care of him.'

"Press O!"
"I am!"

'His mother just told me to take care of him!'

"I died."
"Me too."

I got up and went into the bathroom.

Hearing them talking through the door I had my head against.

'I need to stop. I need to pull myself together.'

'Did he notice too?'

'He knows I like him that way. I fucking jerked him off!'

'But then he didn't want to talk about again after…'

'Maybe he doesn't care.'

'He doesn't feel the same. If he did then he would've…'

'He just found out we're not related!'

'Of course, he doesn't feel the same! If he developed feelings when he believed we were related by blood. That'd be …disgusting.'

'But still…'

'I can't stop…'

'Hoping…'

'Stop.'

I walked to the sink and slapped my face with cold water. Looked at myself in the mirror while the light was flickering above it.

'If we're not brothers. Then we're nothing. So, just stop wanting more and…'

'He didn't…'

'Be grateful for what you've got.'

'…want to invite me to the party.'

'Be grateful you're in his life and shut the fuck up.'

'He tried to lie to me.'

I closed my eyes.

'Why?'

'Why did he want to leave me behind?'

'He stopped doing that after I let him party however way he wanted.'

'So, why?'

'Why?'

A knock on the door had my eyes snapping open.

"Namjoon, we need to go!"
"Coming!"

'Last time…when he was high around me...'

When I went back into the big bedroom, Jungkook was trying Taehyung's jacket on.

'Last time…I touched him when he was too out of it to run or punch me.'

"Is it too big?"
"Nah. It's good. Thanks."
'But then he got drunk and I didn't do anything.'

"Where's my phone?"
"You left it on the table."

'Maybe he doesn't remember that I didn't touch him.'

"Did you call the guy?"

"I'll call him as soon as we are near him."
'He didn't invite me because he thought I'd do it again?'

"Namjoon?"
'That's insane. I'd never…'

'That was a one-time thing.'

'I just couldn't stop.'

'I did stop.'

'I barely did anything.'

'I didn't even…'

"Namjoon!"

I blinked a few times and Jungkook's unblinking eyes were staring back at me.
"Yeah?"

"What are you spacing out for?"
"Just thinking about my sculpture."
"Now? Go grab your backpack."
The sun was setting.

And we were walking down a street I recognized.

But I couldn't remember why or when I'd ever go into this part of town before.

'It's ridiculous. I am only coming along to make sure he's fine.'

"Hi. Yeah. We're already here. Where are you?"
"Namjoon, how much money you've got?"
"Only this."

'I am only coming to make sure no one takes advantage of him.'

"Do you want anything?"
"I'm good."

I watched my not brother giving my money to his best friend.

'Only tagging along to make sure that he drinks water and doesn't fall asleep in some stranger's house.'

"Wait here."

Taehyung told us both.

Therefore, were both ended up standing perfectly still while Taehyung was walking out of our view.

'To make sure he doesn't get beat up.'

'To make sure he doesn't get too shit-faced.'

'To make sure he doesn't…kiss anyone else.'

'To make sure he doesn't…sleep with anyone else.'

'But me.'

"Namjoon?"
"Hmm?"
"You're not upset, are you?"
"No. Why?"
"I am just asking…"
'But I won't do it again. I won't take advantage of him again. I won't…'

"Namjoon?"
"Hm?"
"I'm planning to get smashed today."

"Why?"
"I want to forget…"
"About?"
"Mom and dad…acting…weird."
"Just don't think about them and the problem's solved."
"I can't stop thinking about it."
"Why?"
"Mom…said she loved me yesterday."
"That's good. Isn't it?"

"I couldn't even say it back. I just stood there while she was hugging me…"

"She must've realized you were surprised."
"Yeah, but I still feel bad. And I don't know…I feel like there's something bad that's about to happen and she just doesn't want to say it."
"Let's hope…she only feels guilty because we had to watch them fight."
"Yeah. Maybe."

"Why didn't you ask her about it? Instead of…planning to get shitfaced."
"I just had a feeling that she wouldn't tell me."

"She might've."
"Did she tell you what's up?"
"You know I would've told you."
"Yeah."
"How about we call her and ask instead of waiting for Taehyung to bring drugs?"
"…I'd rather…not know. Yet."
Taehyung emerged, smiling from the other side of the street.

"Getting shitfaced it is then."
'I won't do anything.'

"Come on, Taehyung! We gotta hurry!"
"Do you want me to run?!"
"Yes!"
"You run, then!"
"Come on!"
We were walking towards someone's house but I couldn't hear a word they were saying. All I could see was the back of Jungkook's head.

'I shouldn't.'

'I won't!'

'I won't?'

'Right?'

The sun was losing its power by the time we made it to the two-story house which already got a few drunk teenagers speaking loudly on the front lawn.

Loud music was making it out through the cracked windows.

And as soon as the three of us stepped foot inside. I knew the drill.

Have a couple of mysterious alcoholic drinks in the kitchen.

Walk around the place, locate an empty bedroom or the bathroom, and then dance a bit with some strangers.

And as soon as any sunlight has stopped lighting up the sky.

Go near the room and wait until no one's in or near it.

I would usually keep watch outside.

I would usually refuse and only make Jungkook swear he'll only take half of whatever he thinks of taking.

But today, he wasn't the only one who wanted to forget something.

He wasn't the only one who wanted to punish himself for doing or not doing something.

So, I went in with them.

And although he was surprised at first. He still enjoyed it whenever I wasn't the only one who was sober. He said it was more fun this way.

But a few lines of God-knows-what. A round pill with nothing written on it. And drag out of a joint later, and I didn't even want to leave the bathroom anymore.

I wanted to just sit there while my brain was trying to comprehend what had just happened to it.

And in that altered state, forget. Forget why I even touched anything besides alcohol in the first place.

But when Jungkook tapped my leg, grinning.

I remembered.

Because my problem wasn't at home.

It was right in front of me.

And I didn't know whether Taehyung addressed me or Jungkook when he said:

"Come on. Let's dance."

But I was the one who replied with a drowned out:
"Yeah…"
I wondered if they turned up the music while we were in the bathroom.

And then it downed on me, that it might have nothing to do with the ones hosting the party. But with what I took instead.

The floor was pulsating.

The lights were blinding.

And I accepted the beer that Taehyung offered me without thinking. He said it was a token of gratitude since I paid for the drugs.

I couldn't care less.

I kept sipping from it while I was dancing in place. Watching Taehyung and Jungkook moving energetically around each other.

'I am not into him. He said.'

They kept laughing at nothing.

Letting both girls and guys dance close to them. Closer and closer.

Whispering in their ears.

Jungkook laughed at whatever a guy told him.

Taehyung took a girl's hand and swirled her around.

'What am I doing here?'

The edges of my vision were getting darker and darker.

'Look at me.'

And all I could see was Jungkook's smiling face.

'Why can you be happy with everyone else? And I can't?'

Jungkook shook his head and grabbed Taehyung's arm.

'Why are you so eager to forget your family when I don't even know mine? They might be dead and I don't even know…'

"Why aren't you dancing?'

'Why doesn't anyone love me?'

"Namjoon?"
I downed the beer and walked away from both of them.

I went up the stairs.

I hated the part of me that was still hoping Jungkook would follow me.

And at the same time, I hated the part of me that was too afraid to look behind and check.

A couple of stairs later and I found it hard to walk any further.

'Stop. Go back and pretend nothing's wrong.'

'You're high. And probably drunk too. So, just man up and…'

'He doesn't need me.'

'You're his brother.'

Another step.

'He doesn't want me.'

'You're his brother.'

'But I AM NOT!'

Another step and I was face to face with a guy who seemed just as confused as to where he was as I was.

"Sorry."
He said and passed by me.

As if he bumped into me. But all he did was stand in front of me for a bit too long.

I wandered around the hallway and went in the first closed door I could see.

'A cleaning closet?'

'He's not coming.'

'He has Taehyung.'

'Why do you even want him to come?'

'You'll regret it when you're sober.'

'Just shut up.'

The door hit my back and without thinking, I just made way for whoever wanted to come in.

And then thought about pushing him out when I saw his face.

"Namjoon? What's wrong?"

'Pretend you're sick.'

"I took too much. Too fast."
"Sit down."
'No…just drag me downstairs, Jungkook.'

He helped me to the floor and held my hand without looking at my face.

"How are you feeling?"
"Sick?"
"Do you want some water?"
"No. I don't think I can drink anything else without throwing up."
"Do you want to leave?"

'Say yes.'

"We can't go back like this."
"Then what do you want to…"
"I am sorry."
"What are you sorry for man? You did nothing wrong."
'I did everything wrong.'

"I am sorry I'm ruining your fun. I should've just let you come here by yourself."
"You're not. Look, you'll feel better in an hour. Your system must be a bit…shocked. After you'll have some water, and wait it out, you'll…"
"Jungkook?"
"Yeah?"
"Why didn't you invite me?"
"I got us grounded, remember? I thought you'd want…"
"Don't bullshit me."
"I am not…I…"
"You didn't want me to come, did you?"
"That's not true."
"Just be honest."
"I did want you to come."

And then I heard him chuckling.

"What's so funny?"
"It's not. Sorry. I am high too. And I haven't seen you like this in a long time. It's usually me who's…"
"Go to Taehyung, Jungkook. I am only going to cause you a bad trip and…"
"Namjoon, look at me."
I suddenly realized that it wasn't him who wasn't looking at me. But I was the one who was avoiding looking at his face the whole time.

"What?"
"I like being around you. I truly did not tell you about the party because I thought you'd be upset I wanted to get high when we were supposed to be grounded. I also didn't think mom would just go: Take care. And let us go. You know?"

"You like being around me?"
"Yeah."
"You like me?"
"What the hell's wrong with you? Of course, I like you. You're my bro…"
Internally, I could blame it on whatever I had. I could probably tell him it was because of whatever Taehyung bought as well. I could come up with a few unrealistic excuses. But I also knew, deep down, that if I was sober, I would've wanted to grab onto the back of his head and push his face close to mine anyway. I would've wanted to make our lips touch even if I could see and think clearly.

And I still wouldn't have wanted to witness the word brother coming out of him no matter the day, time, or situation.

I didn't want to open my eyes.

When his hand was pushing against my chest while I was forcing my tongue into his mouth.

I didn't want to see the disgust on his face.

I didn't want to let him speak because I knew all that'd come out would hurt.

It already hurt without him having the chance to refuse me.

"Wh…"
When he tried to pull back, I leaned forward.

When he closed his mouth, I was already on top of him.

When he said my name, I already had both hands around his wrists.

I refused to open my eyes even if I knew that made the dizziness worse.

'Fucking coward.'

"Open your mouth."
"Namjoon, we're…"
"Open."
I don't know why he obeyed. I don't know why the room was spinning.

I don't know why all I could taste was some cheap cranberry juice and vodka.

But I didn't care.

For a moment, everything stood still but our tongues.

For a moment, I breathed in and Jungkook breathed out.

For a moment, in too many years, I felt like I wasn't pretending.

I wasn't stopping myself from touching him.

But at the same time, I couldn't dare release his wrists.

I couldn't dare let him breathe enough so he could speak.

His tongue might've been standing still, but I couldn't tell. Since mine kept slithering around his.

I could feel my tongue filling his small mouth. I sucked on his tongue. Licked his lip. Kissed his chin. And when my head reached a threshold of pain I couldn't bear, I had to open my eyes.

I saw his neck as I kept the top of my head under his chin. Breathing in and out, trying to steady my heartbeat.

"Namjoon…"
"Hm?"
"…why did you kiss me?"

'Quick, make something up.'

'I think my chest is going to burst.'

'I want to kiss him again.'

'Say something.'

'Fuck.'

'What did I just do?'

'Maybe he won't remember tomorrow.'

'But he remembered last time.'

"Namjoon, get up. Please."

'No.'

"No."
"…you're high and…I get it. But we're family and I don't think we should…"
"I know."
"Then why…?"
"I don't know."
"Come on. Let's find some water and…"
"No."
"Namjoon, don't…"
I raised my head and looked at his face. I had to squint my eyes but even without doing it, the tears at the edge of his eyes were as clear as the shadow growing behind him.

"No."
"Why?"

"Because you hate me now, don't you?"
He tried to smile while trying to free his hands from my grip.

"I don't hate you. I just don't understand why you keep…"
"You know why."
"I don't…"

"For fucks sake."
"I really don't know."

I leaned down and stared at his eyes. Maintained eye contact, I verbally vomited all that I could think of to make him drop his act.
"You knew they were already dead before they even took us to the amusement park. You knew that something was up with your mother before your dad confronted her. And you fucking know why I keep…"

'Why do I keep trying?'
"No…I…"
"God, I hate it when you lie to yourself. And to everyone around you just so you can pretend you're oblivious. Just so you can pretend everything's fine. And then use everything you already fucking know to do drugs just so you can forget about it. "
"Let me go…"

"Why? So, you can go to Taehyung and do some more. Then you can forget what your brother did to you. Right?"
"No, it just hurts…"
"Well, it hurts me too!"
"Namjoon…"
"No. No, Namjoon. For once in your life, can you stop running and just say it to my face?!"
"…say, what?"
The tear fell from the corner and down his face. I saw the wet spot it made on the blue carpet.

And I couldn't stop staring at it. It fascinated me. It was black, like ink.

"Say that you don't want me. Say you hate me. Say I disgust you. Say it. Just fucking say it!"

"…you just took too much…and…"
There was a sensation at the back of my head that made me dizzy. I tried to ignore it but by doing so, I focused on it, and whatever Jungkook was saying got drowned out.

When I opened my eyes again, I could see him crying under me. Quietly. With a quivering lip. Tears just kept falling.

"What?" I asked.

"…what?" He whispered back.

"Can I do anything I want then?"
He swallowed the saliva and the tears while his eyes widened.

I went on: "Because I took too much, too fast, does that mean I can just rape you and you'll forgive me tomorrow?"
"…what?"
"No?"

"I thought so."
I got off him.

And walked out without missing a beat.

Taehyung was in the hallway, just excusing himself after going into a room he shouldn't have. When he spotted me, he smiled, but when he made it to me and I just kept walking, he asked: "Jungkook?"
"The door behind you. Knock yourself out."
"What happened? Namjoon? What…"
"Fuck off."
I swayed down the stairs. But I didn't think I deserve the courtesy of holding onto anything.

I just kept walking around until I found an actual bottle and swiped it on my way to the back door.

A few people called out to me but I just kept going.

I didn't walk far, mostly because I didn't think I could keep standing.

So, I just sat against a tree and started chugging the tequila.

It was burning my throat.

Disinfecting the tongue that I used to ruin whatever pretend relationship I've maintained ever since I found out Jungkook and I were not related.

Ever since he hugged me and I felt warm. Ever since he grinned at me and I didn't want to blink because that meant I would've missed a second of it.

I took off my backpack and fished for my phone.

As soon as I scrolled down the list of numbers I should be calling and made it to the section I knew I shouldn't touch, I told myself to stop and calm down.

I told myself to go back and apologize.

I told myself to go to Jungkook and pretend I didn't mean it.

I was joking.

Pranking him.

'By making him cry.'

"Hi?"
"Hi."
"Where are you?"
"At home. Why?"
"Can I come over?"
"Now?"
"Now."
"Are you drunk?"
"I am coming over."
A sigh.

"Namjoon, just go home."
"I can't."
"Why?"
'I don't really have a home.'

"I fucked up."
The bottle just slipped from my fingers and was now flat on the grass. I covered my eyes just so any passerby couldn't see the tears that didn't want to stay in.

"What did you do?"
"Just let me sleep over, please."
"…"

"Please. I swear, I just want to pass out."

"…"

"Please."
"…fine."