Xena and Gabrielle's thought diary

by ChampionVikki

The thoughts of Xena and Gabrielle as they go through their dramatic life together.

26. The reckoning Xena 1

10.16.1995 "THE RECKONING" 1

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XENA

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I wake up from sharp pain in my shoulder. Ugh. It hurts like bitch.

I must have been sleeping wrong. I didn't pay attention. I must be getting old. I must have been sleeping on a rock. The ground in this area sucks. I only could find one patch of flat ground, and I didn't take it.

Ugh this sucks. Now my shoulder's gonna keep aching for days. I can't stand it. I wish I had someone to give me a back rub.

I glance at Gabrielle. Nah she couldn't possibly do anything well. And I shouldn't touch her.

She sleeps there, happy, mumbling something in her sleep.

And I don't have any massage oils anyway. The saddlebags are too small, can't fit everything. And no money to buy any, anyway.

Guess I'll just have to bear it.

...

I am Xena. A horrible monster that shouldn't be alive. I have committed every sin, done everything horrible. I have ruined the world. I may have killed my own son. I don't have the right to live after everything that I've done. I've come to realize my horror. I have opened my eyes. And now the horror of my mind is torturing my every waking hour, my every sleeping hour should I relax. I desire for death. I wish for a release.

But I will live. I will force myself to live. Because there are things that I want to do. I want to do good. I want to save the world. I wish to be more. I want to be something I'm not.

So I will pretend. I will falsify. I will feint. I will speak in a false voice. I will perform someone else's mannerisms. I will pretend to be someone I'm not. Someone I can never be.

I know I should be dead. But I continue living. I live.

Yet I know. This can't last. Soon. Very soon. My past will catch up to me.

I will pretend I'm someone good. Someone decent. Someone that has the right to live.

I thought I could be something great when I was young. And then I spent my life ruining everything. Destroying every chance that I have ever had.

Turns out I was nothing. Turns out being false is the best that I can ever do.

I will live. I will pretend. I will fight. I will endure.

I will do the impossible. I will perform miracles - I will endure.

I will live on the road. I will sleep on the ground. I will have nothing. I will endure.

I will endure.

But having nothing's hard. Enduring all of it is a little difficult.

I've already been enduring lots. Lots and lots. I've endured enough.

So it's alright if I let myself feel a little miresable right now. Nobody's watching.

I used to have an army. I used to have slaves. I used to have lovers. I used to have everything.

Just a month ago, I wouldn't be sleeping on hard, cold, rocky ground. I would have a bed transported with me. And a tent. And a table. And a cook.

I used to have people that would do things for me. I didn't have to think of everything myself.

Used to.

And now I lie here on cold, rocky ground with my aching shoulder and poopy butt. There aren't any good leaves in the area. And I forgot to stash enough. It's hard to think of everything, all alone.

I used to have slaves. I used to have people. I used to have lovers.

And now I have nothing.

Now all I have is a poopy butt and an aching shoulder.

So I will lie there, feeling old and miserable, and let myself tear up a little.

It's alright. No one's watching.

And then I feel it. Something's in the air. Someone's looking.

I look around and see nothing. The presense disappears. What was that? It felt familliar. I've sensed this before.

And as I wonder. She wakes up happy and starts talking.

Gabrielle. My only friend. My final sin. She sees the world in me. She sees in me everything I'm not.

I thought that I would die. But then I saw her. And now I live. And she's still with me.

She doesn't know the real me.

In me, she imagines something good. Something decent. Something admirable.

She admires everything that I'm ever doing. Sometimes it seems like I don't have to do anything. All I have to do is breathe. And she will be amazed out of her mind.

She's so easily impresssed, it's pathetic.

I'm glad she doesn't know the real me. I wish she leaves before she does.

So now I pretent to be everything she wants me to be. Because I enjoy being admired. I trick her into admiring me.

I wish she wasn't so impressed with me. I wish she knew to be disgusted.

Because then she would leave. Then she would know to go home, away from danger. Then she would have a happy life away from me.

There is nothing I want more than that.

And yet I let her follow. And yet I play a game of pretend for her amusement. I play along. I'm so pathetic.

I pretend to be everything she wants me to be.

I know I shouldn't do this. But it's alright. This life is hard. She can't endure it for much longer. Because I know I can't.

She's shallow and unprepared. Soon she'll leave. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. I know I'm just her phase. And it will pass.

She'll find another thing to be impressed with. And she will easily forget about me like I never was.

So it's alright if I play along. This can't lead anywhere. This can't get serious.

She is my sin. But it's a small one. I've already done so many sins. What's one more?

She's small. She's shallow. She's inconsequential. She's temporary. This can't ever get serious.

I can't afford to let this become serious. For this to become serious, is the worst thing that can ever happen. I won't let it.

I have to get rid of her before it gets serious.

I won't end up destroying her. But for now, it's safe. So I'll play slong, for now.

She wakes up. Doesn't say she's going home.

Happy as it gets. Doesn't see a single thing around her, except what she wants to see.

Happy as a clam. Chirping like a bird. Talking without stop. I like her voice. It sounds pleasant.

I wish she was smarter. And knew to use her voice for causes better than myself.

She wakes up on cold, hard ground, happily. Just a month ago, she had a bed. Had a home. Had a family. Had a good life.

And now she chooses this. She is insane.

She could have had it all. And yet, she chooses me.

And so we gather up and go. On our journey without destination. How long it'll last? Perhaps not much.

I just hope you're happy when we separate.

A happy separation is the highest goal that I aspire to.

We go on our journey towards nothing. The world is big, but it's disgusting. Soon she'll realize the horror of the world, and wish for safety.

She wants to see the world. She's foolish. But I'm playing along to her foolishness, so I guess I'm too?

Right now, I'm showing her the world. The best I can. The best of my ability.

Can't go to any major cities. I'll get lynched there. So small towns and dwarf kingdoms is the best I can do.

But if she's fine with that. Then this is it.

And so we go. We need supplies. But I have no money. Maybe if I hunt some game, I could trade it for some things in the next village? It should be close.

A sudden fog appears out of nowhere. I sense that thing again. What is it? Nothing changes, so we go.

We spend a couple hours going. The road's funny. Is this where we were going? I could have sworn the land was different. Something's weird!

Gabrielle complains about her feet killing her. See? You should have just stayed home.

I hear a stream nearby. Send her on her way to wash her feet. I hope she doesn't get lost in broad daylight. It's really close.

She shrugs me off so confidently. Oh Gabrielle, if only you knew what you were doing.

I say I'd stay to hunt some game. I hope she doesn't get in trouble while I glance away.

I stay. But not for hunting. This feeling. This presense. This funny land. I must investigate.

And as I think that. A sudden scream of terror.

I rush to see what's happening.

And as I get there. I see it.

A bloodbath. Some man is killing peasants.

He's just like me. I've done my share of that.

I should look away. I should leave. This isn't any of my business.

And as I do. I remember them.

Those little kids in that one village where I got an arrow in the gut.

Those three. They didn't have a mother. Their father's all they had. And if they lost him...

And now, these peasants. They're probably also some kids' fathers.

Right now. There are some kids who lose their fathers.

Perhaps. Some kids who lose their all.

Who possibly don't have a mother. And who... should they lose their father... eventually would lose their life.

There would be kids who die from this. You can't kill adults and pretend you aren't killing kids, at the same time.

How many kids have died because of me? Too many to ever count.

And right now. I'm looking away, and letting that number go higher.

I see this happen. And I choose to look away. While I could've interfered. That means, whatever happens now. Is part because of me.

After I've decided to do better. After I've decided to save the world.

I'm horrible. I'm disgusted with myself.

But I turn back and interfere.

Look at the irony. The destroyer of nations, who has killed millions.

Is now going to risk her life to protect some peasant strangers, for nothing.

And so I interfere. Hey fellow scum, you called?

Some guy in a dark cloak. He's funny... What's wrong with him?

And so we fight. He's good! As good as me! My perfect match!

And as it's going. I notice. Something IS funny. He is my perfect match. But it's... too smooth. It's like... he's matching himself to me on purpose. It's like he's... stooping to my level.

It's like he's... playing a game with me?

He... he thinks he's above me? ... ! I'll show him!

I raise my efforts! Nobody looks down on me! I'll teach him!

And as I do... suddenly he's gone.

!

And now it all makes sense.

Hey! It's him! He's the presense that I felt!

Is this a god? What's he doing, killing peasants like a lowlife thug?

He reappears! He does wonders with his sword. It's... so beautiful. My juices flow.

So I'm being challenged by a god. I wanted to die in a good battle. What's better than this! ! !

I did not expect this. But I'm giving it my all! ! !

This feels so good. This battle. I met my match. I feel alive right now.

I feel. Like I've been born just for this encounter.

We fight. But it's like we're making love, instead!

Oh it's been so long since I had any. Over a whole month, by now! This isn't healthy.

This battle is so good. I think I'm coming.

And as I prepare myself for the greatest of times... he disappears!

Leaving me high and dry! That bastard! But my pleasure! He blue-balled me! Now I'm high-stung! Now I'm mad with passion!

I hear a manly moan. So there is some man around? I'll use him!

...

Oh. It's the dying peasants. They were still there. I forgot.

Calm down. Pacify your passions. Resolve them later!

Think of the children. The children!

Them kids need fathers. Helping fathers first, resolving passions later!

Dying fathers. Time to play doctor. Ew gross! Look at those wounds. Disgusting, disgusting! No more passions. Clean thoughts! Just play doctor, and you'll be fine!

...

The passions won't calm down. What IS that guy, anyway? A god, killing peasants, then challenging me, then disappearing. What's his deal?

I strain my senses. He's still here, watching. Horny bastard. Brings a woman halfway to heaven, then leaves her hanging! What a filthy pervert! How does he live with himself?

The passions keep burning. How do I calm them down?

The disgusting wounds didn't help. What is the most un-arousing thought that I can have?

I know. It's Gabrielle! I should think of Gabrielle. Sweet, innocent Gabrielle.

Gabrielle that would be disgusted by a woman that gets off on battles. How would she react if she knew?

"Disgusting!" She'd say. "I hate you!"

And then she'd leave me for some random village boy.

There. It worked. The passions are calm. Worked like a bucket of cold water!

Perversions, out. Reason, in. What was I doing?

Oh. There were the dying peasants.

Oh! There were the dying peasants! Lemme help them.

Nah, this isn't good. They're as good as dead, now. Maybe I should have paid more attention?

There were people dying, and I was being distracted. Me and my passions! They always get the best of me.

The peasant friends are coming. Just in time. Just when I recovered reason.

Now we'll help this sole survivor together. I know a few things about medicine!

For some reason they won't let me help. They yell at me to stay away.

Apparently there's blood on my hands and sword. Oh. I forgot. I am a monster.

Now they think it's me!

But they got the wrong idea! I'm clean! I haven't been killing peasants in over a month now! This wasn't me! It was someone else!

It was a god! He disappeared by magic!

They point at the blood on my hands. They don't believe me, even though I'm telling the truth!

That's right. I have blood on my hands. Nobody should believe someone with blood on their hands. Nobody should admire a person with blood-stained hands.

They attack me! Disgusting peasants! I should have just walked away from the beginning!

But it's alright. They are just peasants after all. They can't do anything. I'm the destroyer of nations. I've killed enough peasants.

Had this been a month ago. Heck, maybe even a week ago. There'd be a bloodbath right about now.

But now. I've decided to do better. I've decided to think of the children.

These stupid peasants think they can attack the destroyer of nations. They should be slain for that.

But then their children would suffer.

I don't want anymore kids to suffer.

These stupid peasants attack the destroyer of nations. They bring them upon themselves. They bring suffering upon their own kids.

But I'll protect their kids.

I'll protect these peasants from themselves.

I won't fight back. I'll run.

It's alright. All I have to do is run. Then the whole matter is resolved.

I'm already wanted in enough kingdoms. One more village doesnt matter.

But as I do. I think. There's something else going on here. Something I'm missing.

And so, I resolve the matter by running. I'm an excellent strategist, and I have the best horse in the known world.

Nobody can catch up to me! Not when I'm unencumbered!

Oh. That reminds me. I need to pick up Gabrielle. She still hasn't left.

I make it to her. She actually managed to find the stream nearby. I expected her to wander to unknown lands by now.

She's bathing. Happy as it gets. The very picture of peace.

And there I am, interrupting her happy times with my murder chase.

She's the very picture of happiness and of purity.

But then I look again. The stream is very gross. The filthiest stream that I've ever seen. Gabrielle, you sure you want to submerge in that? I just can't take my eyes off you!

I help her onto the horse and we ride away from the murderous crowd, just in time. Hey, these losers are fast.

Me and half-naked, mid-bathing Gabrielle, having a horse ride together. I always wanted to do that.

We barely escape from the murderous crowd. One for me. Nobody can catch me, not even when I'm encumbered.

Still. They're fast. I've never seen peasants run so fast before. It's like they're posessed.

And so we make it out of the valley. Except... we don't.

Somehow, I come to a dead end in the valley. But I thought I knew the road?

How could I make such a mistake? This is uncharacteristic. Am I growing soft?

Now we're trapped. The only way out is the same way we came in. Where the crowd is expecting us.

What is wrong with me? A mistake like this costs lives. Something is funny with this land. I'm sure this isn't how it was when we came in?

I strain my senses. The presense is around us. Watching our every move. And now it all makes sense.

This land. Really wasn't this way. It's not me. It's the land. The land is changing as I move around it. Or am I imagining this?

Nothing to it. Even if I made a mistake. it's not unfixable. I still have the best horse in the known world. We can still get out.

If this isn't what I suspect this may be.

Gabrielle expects we can talk it out. She hasn't seen bloodlust yet. She doesn't know there's no talking in this.

She doesn't know. That it doesn't matter whether I did it or did not.

Because I have already done enough.

These peasants want me lynched because they think I killed their men.

But they don't know I've done enough to get lynched in any town, anywhere.

Gabrielle thinks justice matters. She doesn't know that justice is my death.

She thinks I'm innocent, unconditionally. She believes my every word. My every lie.

She believes in anything she likes. She sees in me things that aren't there. She doesn't see the real me. Why can't she see? The blood on my hands.

She stands by me. She supports me. I'm the worst monster of them all. And she believes in me. She hopes for me.

She's foolish. Her illusions will break so easy. It's a miracle they haven't yet.

She is something small. Something inconsequential. Something temporary.

She can't stay the way she is for long.

Her naivety cannot possibly last much longer.

Soon, she'll see a sight that'll change her. Soon her eyes will open up.

Soon, her naivety will be gone.

Soon, she'll know who I really am.

Soon... she'll know she should hate me.

Soon... she'll know to wish death upon me.

But for now. She doesn't. For now, she's pure.

For now... she likes me.

The whole world should wish for my death.

But this girls believes in me.

She is something small. Something inconsequential. Something temporary.

But I have nothing. She is everything I have.

I... am also small. So the only thing I have for support... is something small, something inconsequential. Just her.

How much I wish she would stay unaware longer.

But I know. I can't stop time. I can't prevent that which will inevitably come. It's destiny.

Destiny. Right now. I've just fought a god. He's killed peasants. He's fought me. Then he disappeared. And now the peasants want my death. And I can feel him watching me, even now.

The land is funny. It doesn't stay the way it should be.

Right now we're trapped. The only way out, is past the bloodthirsty crowd.

This god. He's controlling the whole thing.

I think he wants me punished.

The gods are the owners of the world. We can't fight them.

He's a god. He can change the world around him, as he sees fit.

I've had a swordfight with him. Distracted and aroused like a fool.

To me, it was the best fight I've ever had. But to him, it was just a play.

Because he's a god. He can destroy a mortal instantly, with a snap of his fingers.

I can't really fight a god. I only survived because he was playing. If he was serous, I'd be dead.

One cannot defeat a god. The way to handle gods, is to give them what they want. To try and manipulate them into thinking that what you want, is actually what *they* want.

That he only fought me, means he wants something from me.

A god that cannot be manipulated. Is the same thing as destiny.

This god has killed peasants by hand. And now he's trapping me with them.

He's made peasants want my death. What is his goal?

He can kill me any moment. Yet he's playing with me, powerless against him.

I may be strong. But I'm just a mortal. I'm nothing next to a god.

And right now, he's watching. Listening to our every word. Preparing for whatever he has planned next.

He is a god, he is almighty. And I'm just a mortal. And I'm... encumbered.

Gabrielle. She's in danger next to me.

Whatever this scum of a god is planning. It's better to only have to do with me. I don't want him to notice her.

This god. He's a pervert that kills peasants. Is this his hobby?

What does he want? What have I ever done to him?

And as I consider. I realize.

I didn't have to do anything to him. Because... I've done enough.

Any misfortune that befalls me, is just.

One can never escape their past. It will always come back to haunt you.

The whole world should hate me for everything I've done.

And now. My past has caught up with me. Time to pay up.

That this god wants me punished... it's destiny.

The world belongs to the gods. We can't fight gods. The will of gods is the same thing as destiny.

Or rather. This particular god may want me punished. But he doesn't matter.

Me being punished. Should be the will of the universe.

With everything I've done. To be punished, is my destiny.

The will of the gods and the will of the universe. Two destinies combine.

The whole universe should want me dead.

And now. Thanks to this god. That's what happens in this village.

My destiny has found me. I'm here to receive my just punishment.

This god is manipulating things. But he himself is just being a tool to destiny. He doesn't have to. If he wants me punished. Then he didn't have to do a thing. All he needed, was to wait.

Eventually the same thing would have happened. I've done enough. I can get lynched in any town.

But now. He's manipulating things to hasten my real destiny.

And he does this openly. Without hiding his presense. Killing peasants directly. Appearing to me, directly.

He knows he doesn't have to hide himself.

His message's clear. "You can't escape."

He knows I can't do anything.

Because he's a god, and I'm a mortal.

And to be punished, is my destiny.

The world belongs to the gods. To fight a god, is the same thing as to fight destiny.

I can't escape my destiny.

And now this god is giving my deserved destiny to me.

A god that's killing peasants, using peasants.

Gabrielle is a peasant. She better get away from here as soon as possible.

This god. If he wants me punished. If he made it so I can't escape these peasants. Then he may do it so I get captured.

If that's his game... then when that happens... I don't want Gabrielle to witness that.

I want her to stay innocent.

I want her to separate from me happy, with a smile.

I want the times we've had together, to be a happy memory to her.

I don't want her to lose the good things about her, from her time with me.

I don't want our separation to be miserable.

And so I ask her. Gabrielle. If we get separated, get away from here, fast.

Because. If we get separated. Then I don't want you to witness what happens next.

But right now. I'm asking her to leave me when I get in danger.

And she has no awareness of danger.

And as I ask this of her. I'm aware. This is futile. She isn't gonna do it. She's immune to reason.

Whatever happens next. She will witness it. And I'm powerless to stop it.

Powerless because. It's a god that wants this. I can't fight a god. That's the same as fighting destiny.

All I can do. Is watch the events unfold. I'm helpless.

But even so. This god is doing this. But even without him. The same thing would have happened, regardlessly.

My punishment is destiny.

I just wish that Gabrielle stayed innocent of this.

I have done enough. I've killed enough. It's a wonder I haven't been lynched yet.

On that first day that she followed me. She made it to me when I was about to be lynched by my own neighbours, inside my home, with my mother's blessing.

I've done enough. My own mother should want me lynched.

It's a wonder my mother hasn't been lynched yet, herself, after everything I did.

Yet Gabrielle stopped that back then. It was a miracle. A miracle like that, could only happen once.

Next time, we won't be so lucky.

Next time. Will be for sure.

If that's what this god wants. Then all he's doing. Is hastening fate.

To be lynched in some town or another. Is my destiny.

All he's doing. Is justice.

My punishment is justice. And I want justice. I won't escape from it.

I don't mind whatever this god is doing. I just wish he'd leave Gabrielle alone.

...

So it's Gabrielle. She won't leave. She'll get entangled in this.

I won't fight for myself. But I'll try and fight for Gabrielle.

I will try and fight destiny for her.

I will try and escape justice for her.

These peasants were freaking fast. Is the god enhancing them?

But right now, we've run. They were meant to capture me on the spot, yet still, I've ran. That means this god isn't all-powerful. Maybe I can still thwart him?

Maybe if we just manage to escape from this village. Then the god won't follow?

So we will wait until the night. And during the night time, we escape.

I know it's hopeless. But I'll try. And I say that out loud. Even in failure, there's another thing I need to check.

We wait. The night comes. With clouds as thick as it gets. Pitch-dark. Can't see a thing.

The escape plan is thwarted. Our loss.

The gain is. Now I know. He's listening to every word we say. Can he read minds, too?

But rather. It doesn't matter what I say and do not say, plan or do not plan, do or do not do.

The opponent is a god that wants something. Gods are almighty. The world belongs to the gods. There is nothing I can do. I can't fight a god. It's the same thing as destiny.

And I can't escape my destiny.

We wait 'til dawn.

Can't fight a god. But I want to at least pretend. I want to die with dignity. So we can't start a fire. We're hiding. I don't want them finding us, prematurely.

I don't wanna lead them to Gabrielle.

The night passes. The peasants are at home in here. They lose nothing. But we do.

I can stand a few days without eating. But Gabrielle is weakened.

Now the rested, well-fed peasants are awaiting us in ambush. And we have lost our strength. Our chances of escape are diminished.

But also. It doesn't matter. Because the enemy is a god. He can manipulate events however he wants. We can't fight that. We can only struggle.

And so. After a night of waiting. We are ready to leave.

The presense is around us, watching. The magic fog is there. The trap is set, and I'm going into it.

A god is playing us. Our every move is under his control. What happens now. Isn't even "events". It's a play. A spectacle. Everything is predetermined according to his will. I can only struggle. Or rather. "To struggle" is the role assigned to me.

And so we leave. On our way towards destiny. We approach our ambush. The attackers are out there, everywhere, hiding. The presense is with them. Guiding them.

Gabrielle's with me. Whatever happens now. She'll see it. I can't stop it. I can only struggle.

I try to fight the destiny. I rush my horse. The best horse in the known world. I'm powerless. But maybe she'll get us out? If smarts are not enough. If strength is not enough. If confidence is not enough. Then maybe speed will do?

But no. All resistance is futile. You can't run away from a god. He foresaw it all. He put there spikes just right so I couldn't see them. Normally Argo could've jumped that. But this time she doesn't. Is he influencing her, too?

Gabrielle falls off the horse. She hasn't eaten, after all.

She doesn't break her neck. Small favors.

And then they grab her.

The murderous crowd has Gabrielle in their hands.

...

I didn't foresee that. Because to me. Gabrielle is innocence itself.

I didn't think. That they would punish her for my crimes.

How could I not foresee this. I'm death, where I go, death follows, and I always kill those I love.

And now if things go wrong. Then Gabrielle with die for me.

And the only way to stop this. Is for me to do what I've spent my whole life doing.

Is this what this god wants? He wants me to come back into my past?

He adjusts the land, he manipulates people. He doesn't hide. All to get me into this place?

Is this the role that he's assigned to me? His message is... "You can't escape your past"?

And so it happens. Right now. I'm going to be killing peasants, with Gabrielle watching.

Back to where I started. Only worse.

Because right now. My biggest fear is coming true.

Right now. Gabrielle will see me for what I really am.

Right now. She'll see ME.

She will see the murderer. The monster. The abomination.

And just like that. She'll know.

That she should have never loved me.

Right now. She'll think.

That we should have never met.

...

I can't allow that. It's too much. My soul's turning.

I can't... let Gabrielle see that.

But if I don't.

They're going to be lynching her instead of me.

They demand my sword.

And then I know. This is it. The moment of decision.

The moment I decide whether to drop my mask. Abandon pretenses. And reveal my truest self.

It could be so easy. They're just simple peasants. They haven't seen true horrors. It would take so little. To frighten them. To make them run. Maybe hurt a few, as an example.

To let them know what kinda monster they're provoking.

It would be so simple. So natural. If I just do that. If I let my monsters free. Then this whole matter will be over. We would be free to go, unhindered. The power that put me here, will be thwarted. I would prove my strength.

So simple. If I just do that.

But.

If I do that.

Then Gabrielle.

Will KNOW.

She'll see. She'll learn.

She will see me for what I really am. She'll know the monster in me.

Her eyes will be open. She'll know she's been supporting something horrible this whole time.

She will know. She'll wisen up.

She will realize that she shouldn't love me. Shouldn't support me. Shouldn't hope for me.

She will know she shouldn't be with me.

Her eyes will be open. She'll be disappointed.

And then she'll leave me, without looking back.

She'll be all the better for it. That's what I want. I want her away from me, away from danger, away from horror. Away from wasting her potential with me.

Away from being ruined by me.

If she means anything to me. Then this is what I should do. That's what I should've done on day one. Teach her the horror of myself. Inspire her to turn away. Save her from myself.

If she is any dear to me. Then that's what I should do right now. Protect myself and let her learn. Protect myself, and protect her, too, with the same decision.

That's what I should do. If I have strength. If I have courage. If I have confidence.

Then I should end this matter quick and easy.

This is what I'll do. Right now! This instant!

I will save her! I will disappoint her!

...

And I can't do it. It's too much.

I'm a weakling. I'm a coward.

I can't disappoint her. I can't let her think bad of me. I can't make her hate me.

I can't do that. It's too much.

In this whole universe. There are no beings that love me. Because I am the most horrible monster in the universe. Nobody should love me. The universe is not so twisted as to give life to someone as horrid as to love ME.

Except... you exist. And when you look at me... your eyes glow.

I am the most horrible monster in the world. My own mother should lynch me.

And yet... you are supporting me. You are impressed by me. You are impressed by everything I do. I don't have to do a single thing, I only have to breathe, and you'll be impressed out of your mind.

You are hoping for me.

I'm a monster. And yet, you hope for me.

I've decided to do better. And yet, I'm tricking you into supporting me.

I am the most horrible monster in the world. And yet, you hope for me.

Nobody should love me. And still, you do.

...

I can't do it. I can't destroy this.

I can't let the only one who loves me, to stop.

Your love is my support. It's my medicine. It's my salvation.

When I saw you, I was about to end myself. Because of seeing you, I let myself live for just a moment longer.

And now I'm dragging you down to death with me.

I'm a monster. And yet... you love me.

I am nothing but the worst to you. And yet, you love.

You are small. You are inconsequential. You are temporary.

But I'm also small. So the only thing I have for support, is you.

And so. I can't do it. I can't let your love disappear.

If I truly cared for you. Then I would teach you not to love me.

But I'm a monster, I'm a weakling, I'm a coward. So I don't.

And so I drop my sword. My destiny's decided. This is it.

I'm a monster. So I won't let you out of this, the easy way. The way of easy disappointment.

I'm a monster. So I'll torture you. So I'll let you continue loving me.

And so, right now. I'll force you to watch this.

I'll make you watch me being lynched.

Because the easy way. Is too good for me.

I'm a monster, so I choose horror. I choose for you to continue loving me.

Forgive me, Gabrielle. You wanted the whole world from me.

But all I've given you, is torture.

Forgive me, Gabrielle. You mean the world to me.

Yet even in my final moments, I choose to torture you.

Forgive me, Gabrielle. I couldn't be something good for you.

My sword is down. It's decided.

Now I'll have to die for her. And I'll die happy, because I'm saving her.

She'll see a sight that'll tarnish her. She'll be disappointed in me.

But at least she wouldn't know her role in this.

She wouldn't know that it's for her I'm dying. She'll stay innocent.

She'll believe, that she's just met a weirdo warrior that couldn't fight a bunch of peasants and died.

She'll cry a little but then she'll get over it. And then she'll go home and have a happy life in there.

I will have tarnished her life, but just a little. She can live with that much damage.

If I want her to be happy. Then I need to be strong. I need to be stoic. I need to show nothing.

That's what I decide to do.

But I can't.

I can't do it, it's too hard.

This is too much for me. I'm not strong enough for this.

I will let it show.

I'm shameless. I have no conscience.

I know I should wear a mask. Be stoic. Let nothing show. Prevent you from learning more. Prevent your suffering. Let you wonder for my thoughts, without learning a single thing.

I can't let you know. How much you mean to me.

But I'm shameless. I have no conscience. So I don't.

I choose to let it show. As they are about to start lynching me.

I look at her. And I let out a pathetic smile.

Forgive me, Gabrielle. I couldn't even spare you this.

But it's so small. Perhaps it's not too bad?

I have already done so many sins. What's just one more?

And so I smile.

Forgive me, Gabrielle. I couldn't do better. I couldn't spare you this.

But you mean the world to me.

And now, I'll die for you.

Goodbye. I'm happy that I met you.