Lost

Hey Guys, it's me again, I know I haven't been updating anything since the start of the new year, and a little after that, so I'm just gonna level with you guys and say that I truly am lost as a human being.

Now to further elaborate, it all started with me moving to Reno for a few months before moving back home to Sunnyvale, and during that time I was just trying to honestly get my life back on track and do school, I know I've said this a hundred times before, because honestly I want to do the right thing with my life and not be working as some blue collared chump for the rest of my life, which I will say now there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing if that's how you choose to live your life, and frankly speaking before we start treating doctors, officers, and soldiers better, we should really focus on the people who have to work the jobs no one wants or lacks the grit to do, especially those who did it during the pandemic, cause trust me I have a very humble outlook on these guys.

Getting back on track, it was during my time in Reno and hanging with the family that were strangers to me did I learn that within every family, there is a living cancer to us and there's a reason why we either distance or outright disown them.

As such I myself now understood why my grandfather left my grandmother all those years ago and why my great grandfather even called her a dirty nazi, cause I can honestly say with a guilt free conscious and clear head that my grandmother as a human being is literally better off locked away inside a cabin somewhere faraway from anyone to know and care, as the world would truly be a lot more calmer without her, and say this as both as a person who not only got to experience her worst flaws first hand, but also from a young outsiders perspective, cause seriously I've got my own worries right now, that doesn't involve caring about current world affairs or presidential elections as those are things I could seriously careless about, and I am aware by doing so and being this way is a double edge sword, however, I'm not going to bitch about the consequential outcome.

But there's more to this story as during this experience I realize that my old man has the exact same flaws as my grandmother, as I began to reflect all the things he's said to me after all these years, except he's different about how he approaches things.

An example would be me, if I were to share some of my painful stories to you, I wouldn't go and twist it to gain sympathy to gain attention, or manipulate people to think he's like this way because he's got years of trauma, I share my pain with people because I genuinely care and want them to recover and become a better person and in the process learn to be a better person myself, and not be some living parasite who feeds on people, who controls people, who needs to be sympathize or understood the way how I see things because of my pain, because that's what a spineless coward does as they feel like they should be given a pass the more they talk, while denying the fact they're nothing more than the biggest fucking attention whore who's afraid to be forgotten, cause the truth is, that's what the really are, a conniving little insect who likes to harm people with their sympathy, who would compulsively lie to people, especially their family, and would talk your ear off about falsely claimed glory of other people, just so they could at least be remembered before they finally die so they can at least feel a false sense of immortality, something that a false god king with an obvious god complex doesn't deserve, and should be quickly forgotten overall before they should be remembered for their vile acts; this my friends is me kindly describing my grandma in a nutshell, while my old man was actually born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and was given everything he ever wanted and was raised like a prince and was expected to live like one till his end days with potential hopes that I live up to him in his footsteps, however things change thanks to grandpa choosing to flee the country after abusing his doctorate to sexual harass his female patients, which meant that his wealth and influence he had on the family, especially his oldest blood son, went up in flames, resulting in a man who was literally at my age had no real skills or job experience to go off by other than him being at some point a professional body builder and hopes of being an aspiring DJ someday, and was a very skilled very talented graphic designer, which remind you back in the late 90's and early 2,000's were genuinely hard to come by, but the man also had his flaws, like not acting his age, having bad taste in woman, including my mom, had great skills he couldn't apply because he never went to school or thought about continuing to school in any later part of his life, but most importantly he'd give advice and wisdom that he himself did not know much less had experience when it came down to trying to manage my life or any of his sons life, because he found the ultimate escape from his reality, from his family, and that was his job, sure it took him a few years, but old bastard found a job he has to work on average 20 hours a day and at the longest I've seen him work on huge events between 36-48 hours, and from his perspective it's the best thing he could ask for as he's got a wife back home now who loves being a mother and only ask that he spends his bonus on her to see Red Hot Chili Peppers while wearing this seasons Gucci, while neglecting his current 2 sons under his care, with one of them being so obese at his age that they had to get him to see a chiropractor before he even reached his teen years, while his second son is you classic public school bully who doesn't get punished for his actions, all the while he bitches and tries to control the life of his oldest son, talking about me here, to give up on his dreams to become a writer and forget his plans to get his literature degree to becoming a teacher so that he can go to business school while using him as a living lapdog and errand boy to tell his brothers how to live their lives in his stead since he can't be bothered by it.

Truth be told I did a lot of reflecting, and I realize that I carry one major flaw that both my grandmother and father share, and that's me talking too much, and making regretful split decisions that I don't ever own up to, 2 things I'm going to own up and change myself cause I'll be damned that in 25 years or 50 years from now when I reach their age I grow up into the things I absolutely hate in human society, especially in adults, but I do have a lot more going for myself.

I'm willing to listen and sit down and reflect on my actions and even though I hate confrontation, I'll do it because it needs to be done, especially on subject matters I truly wish to avoid, since I turned 19 I chose to be honest and direct with not only my closest friends and family, but also work, and to you guys, my humble followers, but most importantly I've still got a burning desire and ambition, with people, long time supports and newcoming followers willing to support and back me up on my dreams and ambitions, and I've already made my mark in society, with intentions of making it bigger.

But still these thoughts of self doubt, my addiction to depression, and I'm not being metaphorical here, I really am addicted to my own depression, and having days where I question my existence and being, before breaking myself down and ultimately depersonalize myself is what's really been bugging me.

And to top of my own mental health problems and me slowly depleting my trust from my own family wasn't enough, they had to release that song a while back.

As a lot of you know, I am a huge LINKIN PARK fan to this day, that I know some of you out there would want me to just shut up about it already, well sorry, not sorry, but that's a big part of who I am and what helped defined me as a person even to this day, so for a minute just please hear me out.

A few weeks back, in commemoration of it's upcoming 20th anniversary of their album Meteora, the band decided to release a new song that's never been before released or heard of to the public, outside of the LPU community.

This song is called 'Lost', and if you haven't heard it, much less see it, you should give a watch now since that song brings back a feeling and an energy that fans haven't heard or felt in literally 20 years, since the music video uses AI Art, I know it's bad for artist out there, depicting the band members back in their prime and this artistic anime style we haven't seen since Breaking the Habit, a song I think that doesn't get enough attention as it should today, but going back to this energy and feel, along with Mike and the other band members acknowledging AMV's using the bands music and how they themselves have literally helped and inspired many people within the anime community, cause no joke even Monty Oum admitted that a lot of the fighting sequences he did when creating RWBY was inspired by all these Dragon Ball/Naruto AMV's using LINKIN PARK music, which, based on my own personal conspiracy theory here, I think a lot of modern day anime writers, and manga authors hope to some day their work can be turned to an AMV, since an anime is only popular based on not only the fans themselves, but also by the number of AMV's and hentai doujin's fans decide to make their original product into, a modus operandi that I think the band themselves were aiming for all this time if you ask me.

But going back to the song lost itself, besides it's visual aesthetics, it's lyrics were very haunting to not only me but as well as many of the long term fans, as I do more than listen to and sing to the lyrics as my heart full on resonates with the song perfectly, so really the timing of the song couldn't have came at a perfect or imperfect time depending on your point of view, and well that's what finally got my head spinning and thinking about myself, my family, and what I really want to do with my life.

Now I'm not gonna say anything about any of the stuff I mentioned in the lest 2 sentences since these are answers I still don't know, that I'm trying to find the answers to, but I will say this, I'm still feeling lost, which makes feel like I'm in a fey burn out state, so I'm going to officially put all my current work on hiatus, because trust me it took me about 2 weeks to finally find the motivation to address to you guys what's been going on since my last message hinted towards me going down a troubled road, with me giving no definitive return date for the time being, since I would like to say give me a week after I hear the full track of Meteora's 20th anniversary, though who knows I may come back sooner, I may come back even later than I originally planned, but I want you guys to know that during this time, I'm going to try to get my life and act together, starting with trying to get back into school sometime this year, cause the longer I wait on that, the longer I risk putting myself on the same line of failure and otherwise be a statistic in a group of people whom I hate with a burning passion, otherwise besides this album I want to save up and buy the upcoming Rock Band 5 game coming out later this year, which will be epic.

So until next time, be safe, be good people, please support your local fandom communities, and thank you all for continuing to be humble.

This has been your Humble Narrator and official author Tobi Yaza. =3