A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 5
Late the next morning, Sharon carried a vase full of white roses and lavender lilacs into Johanna's office. "These came for you," she stated; suspicion written all over her face.
Johanna smiled as she rose from her chair and accepted the vase, clearing a place on the corner of her desk for it. "They're beautiful," she said as she placed it in its spot and plucked the card from the stick it was attached to that was nestled between the blossoms.
"Who are they from?" Sharon asked.
She knew who they were from but she made a show of reading the card to herself. "I hope these brighten up your day, angel face. Gabby picked the lilacs, she says they're one of your favorites. Love, Andrew and Gabby."
"They're from Andrew," she answered as she tucked the card in the drawer of her desk so that Sharon couldn't see it.
Sharon's nose wrinkled. "What does the card say?"
"He says he hopes they brighten up my day and they have," Johanna said with a smile. "They look so pretty and smell so good…makes me wish I was outside in the sunshine."
"You really don't see anything wrong with this?" her friend asked as she scraped a finger against a petal of a rose.
"No, I think white roses and lavender lilacs are beautiful together. It's not a combination you see often but I like it."
"That's not what I'm talking about," Sharon remarked. "I'm talking about this sudden turn of events where you've decided to date your brother-in-law. How can you think this is okay?"
"I'm just doing what everyone wanted," she replied. "You said move on…and like I said, yesterday wasn't the first time I've had a meal with Andrew. He's a good man…he cares about me, he respects me…he understands me. Being with him is comfortable; we've known each other a long time."
"Being with him is sick," her friend snapped. "He's your husband's brother; he was in your wedding for God's sake!"
"I'm aware of the fact that he's Jim's brother and that he was in my wedding, Sharon. This isn't the big deal you're making it out to be."
"I think it is! It makes me wonder if you haven't had a thing for him the whole time you were married."
Anger flared in her green eyes. "Don't you dare stand there and insinuate that I was unfaithful to my husband in any way! I never had a 'thing' as you call it for anyone other than my husband during my marriage. I've been around Andrew for over thirty years…I've helped take care of his child since she was born, I take care of his mother…it's only natural that it's comfortable between us."
"I don't think it's natural at all. You should look at him as a brother, not as a lover."
"Who said I was going to bed with him?" Johanna asked.
Sharon scoffed. "Oh come on, Jo; he's sending flowers, taking you out…we all know where it leads…if it hasn't already…it has been a long time…and he does resemble Jim enough for you to pretend."
"No, it hasn't," she said sharply; "Unlike you, I don't jump into bed as soon as someone pays me some attention."
Sharon's jaw dropped. "What do you mean by that!?"
Johanna smiled. "Come now, Sharon; you know exactly what it means…you always were quick to jump into bed with any guy who showed you some attention. You did that all during college…you barely knew Phil and jumped into bed with him. That's how you operate…it's not how I operate. I'm not you."
"Is that you're way of saying you're better than me?"
"No, it's my way of saying my mother raised me to have higher standards than yours."
"Kind of sounds like the same thing to me."
Johanna shrugged. "You're free to interpret things however you want. As for Andrew, I don't need your permission to see him. I don't need your approval or blessing. The only person's opinion that mattered on the topic was Elizabeth's and she's fine with the way things are."
"Did Katie talk to you about this?" Sharon asked sharply.
"Yes, she did; and I told her the same thing I told you yesterday, it's none of her business. I'll thank you to quit calling my daughter and reporting every move I make; I'm a grown woman who is quite capable of taking care of myself and making my own decisions about everything from what to wear, to what to drink at lunch, to who I want see socially. I fully admit that I am not completely the same woman I used to be…it's hard to feel whole when half of your heart is missing…but it doesn't mean I'm mentally incompetent. I don't appreciate you telling my daughter that I'm out being a drunk, because that's what you implied to her. I had one glass of wine at lunch…it's the first glass I've had since March when I treated you to lunch for your birthday…you didn't seem to have a problem with wine being on the table that day. You are not my mother. You're not my warden either. You're my friend and my secretary...at least for now…if you keep filing your little reports with Katie, you'll only be my secretary."
"Someone has to tell her when her mother is behaving in a questionable manner."
"No, someone needs to mind their own business," Johanna remarked. "Maybe I'll start calling Molly and reporting your questionable behavior to your daughter."
"I don't have any questionable behavior."
"That's a matter of opinion, Sharon. I don't feel I have any questionable behavior and yet my daughter has received phone calls this week."
"If you don't have anything to hide, why are you bothered by it?" Sharon asked.
"Because my daughter isn't in charge of my life," she retorted. "You don't need to be making her worry needlessly. I'm not an alcoholic; I know my limits and I stick to them. I'm not a slut. I'm not doing anything that causes harm to anyone including myself. So unless it's a real emergency or I specifically ask you, stop calling her."
"If I feel she needs to know something, I'll tell her," Sharon said snidely. "You don't control who I call."
"And you don't control how I live my life," Johanna shot back; "So back the hell off."
"Fine," she stated; "If you want to screw around with your brother-in-law so you can play a sick game of pretending he's someone else, that's your business…but it doesn't look good, Johanna. It makes you look trashy and desperate."
"Get out of my sight," Johanna retorted. "Get back out there at your desk and do your job; because let's not forget, you're not the boss here, I am. You're my secretary not my moral compass. Remember your place and stay in it or you won't have one at all."
"If I had a dollar for every time you threatened to fire me I'd be a wealthy woman."
"You're not hurting for money now," she remarked; "Now get out of my sight unless you have something business related to discuss."
Sharon glared at her but turned on her heel and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Johanna watched her go, not feeling an ounce of remorse as she settled back down in her chair. She grabbed her phone from the desk and tapped out a text to Andrew. "Thanks for the flowers; they're beautiful."
A moment later he sent his reply. "You're welcome. Is the office all a flutter over it?"
"Sharon is…which means as soon as she hits the break room the rest of the office will be."
"Good; it's all going according to plan. Are you available for lunch on Friday?"
"Yes; same time."
"Alright, Angel face, I'll see you then. I have to go grab Gabby and take her and her friend to some kind of soccer day camp in the park. They'll be there until I get off work."
"I think she'll enjoy it, Katie used to go to those camps when she was growing up. Give Gabby my love."
"I will."
She put the phone back in its place on her desk and glanced at the bouquet of flowers, a smile touching her lips. They were beautiful and they did brighten up her day. She'd take them home with her though at the end of the day, she didn't trust Sharon not to throw them away before she got into the office the next day. Besides, she'd pluck a few blossoms from the vase for Elizabeth…she paid for them, her day should be brightened as well.
"What's wrong?" Castle asked as Kate sighed deeply. "We closed the case without incident; that usually makes you happy."
"I am happy about that," she remarked. "I guess I just feel guilty."
Worry creased his brow; they had fallen asleep together on the couch the night before. Nothing had happened beyond kissing; they were taking things slow by agreement…they wanted to do it right and not rush headlong into things until they had a little time to settle into the new normal they were creating. He didn't mind, he knew that the day they moved to the next phase would be worth the wait and he wouldn't pressure her before she was ready. Besides, she had been somewhat preoccupied the night before…and still was today. "Is it me?" he asked.
Her eyes widened as her gaze collided with his. "No! It's nothing like that. Last night was great."
"It was," he agreed. They had gone out to dinner, had a drink and listened to a cover band for a little while at nice little club and then they had gone back to the loft for a continuation of their movie marathon and a glass of wine as they talked about unimportant things. "I just thought maybe you were upset that you stayed," he whispered.
"No," Kate said with a shake of her head. "I liked staying…."
"I'm not going to pressure you for more, Kate," he gently reminded her. "Not until you're ready."
"I know…I just don't want you to think I'm leading you on because I'm not. I just want it to be right…I don't want to blow it by going too fast."
"I know," he murmured; "We talked about that and we agreed to take it slow; there's nothing wrong with that. I don't want to blow it either."
She gave him a grateful smile and quickly squeezed his hand, her gaze shifting back to her computer screen.
"But if it isn't me, what is it?" Castle asked.
"My Mom I guess."
"What about her?"
"I guess I feel bad about yesterday…at least about the alcohol thing. I know she still has a glass of wine once in awhile if she's out with a friend or me. I accused her without evidence."
"Yeah, you did…but I understand why. In the past she began to have a problem with it and you don't want it to happen again so you panic. It's a natural reaction."
"Probably doesn't seem too natural to her."
"Probably not…she wants you to trust her."
"I do, for the most part. The Andrew thing threw me…I just couldn't comprehend that and I think it made me crazy."
"She's not really dating him though; it's just a ruse."
"I know and I believe her…but what if during this ruse she starts to like the idea?" she said, wrinkling her nose in disgust.
He smiled. "Then you're either going to have to fight her about it or accept that she can make her own decisions with or without your blessing."
"Yeah; well, if she decides she likes dating him and decides to make it a real thing; Gabby can start calling her Mom because she won't be seeing me. I don't approve and I won't accept him stepping into Dad's place. No; that's his brother, that's a line you don't cross."
"You'd really cut her off if she decided to have a real relationship with him?"
"In a heartbeat," Kate said firmly. "I'd never speak to him again either."
Castle gave her a small smile. "Hopefully it won't come to that but it's not exactly a sentiment that screams I feel guilty like you were saying you felt a few minutes ago."
"I know…I do feel strongly about the Andrew thing…but I also feel guilty about the drinking thing…and I guess for insinuating that she should've discussed her plans to retire with me before she said anything to anyone. She is sixty-one; she has been a lawyer for thirty-nine years…she probably is getting tired of it. I just worry about her having too much time on her hands."
"I'm sure she'll be fine."
"I hope so."
"If you feel bad about things; then why don't you call her and have lunch with her," Castle suggested. "That would probably calm the waters so to speak."
"But I was going to have lunch with you," Kate stated; "We already made plans."
He shrugged. "So, we can take her with us this time; it's not a problem. You won't feel better until you see her and talk to her so just call her and invite her…the worst she can do is say no."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Kate said with a nod. "I'll call her in a little while; she usually has her most important appointments over with by eleven in anticipation of her upcoming lunch break."
"And don't worry about our lunch for two turning into lunch for three," Castle quipped. "We'll make it up at dinner time."
She smiled. "That's a promise I can keep."
Johanna's phone rang a half hour before noon and she grabbed it from the side of her desk, seeing her daughter's picture on the screen. "Hello?"
"Hey," Kate answered.
"Is something wrong?" Johanna asked, her body on alert as always when Katie called from work.
"No," her daughter replied. "I wanted to see if you wanted to go to lunch."
Johanna thought about it for a moment. "Yeah, I guess so."
"Don't sound so enthusiastic."
"Can you blame me after yesterday's visit?"
"No, I guess not," Kate admitted.
"I want a ground rule for this lunch," Johanna stated.
"What's that?"
"I don't want to hear a word about dating."
"Fine," Kate replied. "What time can you get away?"
"Noon; if that's alright."
"That's fine; meet you at the usual diner?"
"Alright, I'll see you there, Katie."
"Okay, see you in a little while. I love you."
"I love you too," Johanna said as she ended the call. She leaned back in the chair and studied the vase of white roses and purple lilacs. They were beautiful…but she wished they were from Jim.
Her eyes closed as she allowed the thought of him to sweep across her mind. It was lonely going home to an empty house…but not lonely enough to find someone else. She'd never betray Jim like that no matter what anyone said.
A last minute call delayed her for a few minutes but as Johanna moved through the door of the diner, hoping that she might have an enjoyable break with her daughter, she frowned. Her daughter was at a table…her boyfriend with her. She sighed, another third wheel lunch…which is why she mainly ate alone at lunch time. She hated to be a third wheel…hated even more when Katie always seemed to do this with a friend or boyfriend.
She wasn't sure she wanted to do it today; it might be another intervention like yesterday's visit and she wasn't in need of one. She hadn't been spotted so she quietly turned around and headed back for the door, figuring she could slip out without being seen…get back in her car and call Katie, tell her something came up at the office and she had to cancel. It was the perfect plan; her hand was on the handle of the door when a voice behind her called out "Mom!"
She sighed deeply in defeat, recognizing her daughter's perturbed yell. Damn it, she had almost been out the door. She turned back, seeing her daughter near the table and she had no choice but to walk toward her. Damn, damn, damn, she chanted in her mind; she had debated fleeing five seconds too long. It really wasn't her week. Johanna pasted a small smile on her face as she approached her daughter. "Katie," she said, stretching an arm outward for a hug but her daughter favored her with a hard look.
"Were you leaving?" Kate asked, shunning her mother's show of affection.
"Yes," she said honestly.
"Why?"
"Because I thought it was going to be just us…and once again I'm wrong," Johanna replied.
Castle cringed a little. "If it's a problem, I can leave," he remarked.
"No, not at all," Johanna stated; "I'm used to it; she always brings a tag-a-long to lunch. Really I should just always go into it assuming that it will be a third wheel thing from the get go and it'll save me time."
"Mom," Kate said sharply.
She shrugged. "Just speaking the truth."
"It is not."
"It is but I guess it doesn't matter. I would like it to be just us once in awhile…maybe you can work on that."
"Fine, I will," her daughter replied, gesturing for her to sit down. "Maybe next time you can bring someone."
"That's not going to happen."
"I heard you got flowers today," Kate stated; "Roses and lilacs."
"That bitch, I lectured her this morning about calling you and she turns around and does it anyway."
"She didn't call; she texted…when you left the office to come here. She also mentioned that you didn't tell her your lunch plans."
"They're none of her goddamn business," Johanna said, annoyance in her tone. "I really think I'm going to aim for the September first as my date of retirement. At least then I'll get a few people out of my business."
"Sharon's not just your secretary; she's your friend…what are you going to do, retire and cut her off?"
"No, I'm going to take a little break from her," Johanna replied. "I don't like everyone being in my business."
"You know people are going to talk when a man takes you out to lunch and sends you flowers," Kate replied.
"They can talk all they want as long as they leave me alone."
"Sending flowers does seem to be a little much for something that's supposed to be pretend."
Johanna rolled her eyes. "Your grandmother paid for them and Gabby picked them out. Andrew just signed the card and said where to send them."
"How does anyone really know that?" her daughter asked. "Maybe he doesn't want it to be pretend…maybe he wants it to be real."
"I know it's the truth because Elizabeth told me about the flowers last night and Andrew mentioned Gabby picking the flowers in the card; he even signed it from both of them."
"How did he sign it?"
"What do you mean how did he sign it?"
"I'm asking how he signed the damn card," Kate remarked.
"It said love Andrew and Gabby."
Kate's brow rose. "Love?"
"What's wrong with that?" Johanna asked. "He loves me as a sister; Gabby loves me because I'm her aunt. I love Gabby because she's my niece. I love Andrew as my brother, nothing more."
"Uh huh. I guess we'll find out…pretending sometimes leads to the real thing."
Johanna smirked at her. "Is that how you and Rick ended up together?"
"No," Castle stated. "That was hard work and dedication."
Johanna eyed him. "Does that mean you find her fun and uncomplicated now?"
"Mom!" Kate hissed as Castle stammered.
The waitress appeared to take their order, sparing them the need to comment for the time being until she hurried on her way. "Well?" Johanna asked. "Is she fun and uncomplicated now?"
"Mom," Kate said sharply.
"You brought him, I get to question him…after all, you didn't mind questioning me and searching my house yesterday…so let's hear it, Rick. Is she fun and uncomplicated now that you've given up flight attendant bimbos?"
"Oh my God," Kate muttered.
Castle smiled. "That was…uh…a misunderstanding."
Johanna nodded. "Mhmm…a misunderstanding that required rubbing a bimbo in my daughter's face?"
"No," he said slowly; "That wasn't the best course of action in hindsight."
"You've got that right," Johanna remarked.
"Mom!"
Johanna glanced at her. "No, I'm not just going to ignore that someone hurt you. I don't care if you two are dating now or not; he hurt you, I know about it…he has to pay."
"It's okay," Castle replied. "I'm very sorry that I hurt Kate with the things I said and did during that timeframe."
"You should be."
"I am," he said sincerely.
"I hope it isn't going to happen again," Johanna replied.
"No," he said with a shake of his head. "It won't happen again."
"Good to know," she remarked; "Because if it does, I have a gun…I know she does too, but the difference is, I will shoot you and she won't. She's attached to you…I'm not. Keep that in mind."
"Will do," Castle replied with a smile.
"That's enough, Mom," Kate stated.
"Just doing my job," Johanna told her.
"Yeah; well, weren't we talking about Andrew?"
"Yes; and I don't know why."
Kate shifted in her seat. "Is he who you're really going out with Saturday?"
"No!" she exclaimed; "And why are we even discussing this? I told you when you called I didn't want to discuss dating and you said you wouldn't."
"That was before I got Sharon's text."
"Well forget about Sharon. I told you it's just pretend. I'm not dating him."
"Fine," Kate said; "Because remember what I said; I don't approve."
"Keep it up and I will go on a date with him," Johanna retorted. "A real one."
"See, it's comments like that that make me question what is real and what is pretend in this ruse of yours and Andrew's."
"Katie," she sighed; "Shut up, okay? If I had known you were going to be like this I wouldn't have came. It's not like you need my company, you have Rick. I should just go."
"You already ordered your food," her daughter retorted. "Just settle down."
"Then stop picking at things I don't like picked at. You're…" she started to say but then caught herself before allowing herself to say 'you're just like your father; he sometimes liked to pick at things I didn't like picked at'. She had remembered in time though that Katie didn't want her to mention Jim and so held her tongue.
"My what?" Kate asked.
"Nothing."
"It must've been something."
"It would've been something you didn't want to hear so I didn't say it," Johanna replied.
The waitress arrived with their food, ending the topic but Kate still wondered what her mother had been about to say.
They ate in silence for several minutes until Castle couldn't stand it anymore. "So, Mrs. Beckett…how is work?" he asked, struggling to find a subject that wouldn't cause discord.
"It's fine…except for people who want to stick their nose in my business and report me to my daughter. I'm the poor widow who clearly needs a keeper in their minds."
"They just worry about you," Kate stated.
"They don't need to."
"You're thinking of retiring?" Castle asked.
"I'm not thinking about it; I'm doing it," she replied. "I'm done."
"May I ask why?" he inquired.
Johanna glanced at him. "Because I've been doing it for thirty-nine years and I'm tired of it. I need a change of pace."
"Understandable," he replied.
"It still seems kind of sudden," Kate replied.
Her mother shook her head. "Really it's not; I've been thinking about it for awhile."
"You never told me," she stated, her tone softer.
Johanna shrugged. "I didn't think you'd care."
"Why wouldn't I care?"
"I don't know…it just feels that way sometimes. You're not overly interested in what I do unless someone is calling you about it."
"That's not true; we talk all the time."
"Yes, we do…but it's mainly about you," Johanna admitted. "Which is fine; I like hearing all about you when you're willing to share. But I have been thinking of it and I feel it's time…and I would appreciate it if you don't try to talk me out of it," she said gently. "I don't want to do it anymore, Katie."
Kate nodded as she met her eye. "Okay…if it's what you want I won't try to change your mind. I respect that you feel the way you do…so if you feel you'll be happier by retiring, then do it. I'm not going to say it's wrong, it's not. I'll support your decision."
"Thank you," she replied. "I appreciate that."
"You'll be happier?" Kate asked; wanting to be sure that she wasn't just doing it because people had been on her case about moving on.
"Yes," Johanna said with a nod. "I'll be happier."
She conjured up a small smile. "I want you to be happy, Mom."
"I will be happier once I finish this out," Johanna replied. "I just…I hate walking in there every day lately. I thought about trying to find another firm but I don't want to start over again…I've been with this firm since you were three…that's almost thirty years. It's hard to start over someplace after that amount of time…it was hard when I had to leave Roche after nine years. I never thought I'd be tired of going to court but I am…contract law and family law…it becomes mundane after awhile; I feel like I could do it in my sleep at this point. It's time."
"Okay," she said once more; "I get that…I do; you're right, if you feel that way and you don't like being there anymore then you should definitely let it go. You'll probably feel better."
"I think so," she agreed. "I do have a call in to my contact at Columbia; they'll let me know if any positions open up in the law faculty so it's not like I don't have a plan…although I'm okay with it if a position doesn't come up as soon as I pack up my office."
"You should take some time for yourself," Kate replied. "I don't think there's any reason for you to jump right into something else as soon as you finish up at the firm."
"I know no one has asked my opinion," Castle stated; "But I agree…after thirty-nine years, I'd say you deserve some downtime."
Johanna nodded. "Yeah; maybe I do."
"You do," Kate remarked. "Have you decided when you're going to leave the firm?"
"My gut keeps telling me to wrap up my current case load and be done…which I can have everything finished by the end of August."
"Then do it…it might take some pressure off of you if you just make it official, Mom."
"I intend to in the next few weeks," Johanna replied. "I want to do it and I intend to do it but at the same time it's still a little nerve wracking to make it official."
"That's only natural," Castle stated; "But that feeling will probably go away once you have it done."
She nodded. "Most likely."
They ate in awkward silence for a few minutes until finally Kate spoke once more; her need to know about this date of her mother's getting the best of her. Castle was certain that there was no George Bailey…and she was trying to discreetly run the name through the departments databases to find out if he was right…so far she hadn't found a trace of a man named George Bailey in the age frame of her mother…but she had a few more databases to check. "So, are you still going out with that guy Saturday?"
"Katie," Johanna sighed. "Must we do this? I set a ground rule and you already broke it."
"Well I figured since I already broke it that it would be okay…I mean we already talked about your work and you've threatened Castle; I've never heard him be so quiet…so what else is there?"
"I'm sure we could find something. What are your plans for the weekend?"
Kate hesitated; fearing an invitation to shop. "Why?"
A small measure of hurt flicked across Johanna's face. "Don't worry, Katie; I wasn't going to ask you to do anything with me. I wouldn't want you to have to spend time with me or your grandmother. I guess we're lucky you let us keep you company last summer when you were recovering…of course you didn't have much choice then."
Kate's eyes closed as she sighed deeply. "I'm sorry, Mom; I didn't mean it the way it sounded."
"It's alright," Johanna said quietly. "You're an adult and your plans are your business."
"I have to work this weekend," Kate said honestly; "We might go out to dinner and see a movie Saturday night if work doesn't get in the way."
"Do you want to come?" Castle asked.
"God no," Johanna said; "I stopped chaperoning her dates when she was fourteen. Take her somewhere nice though and make sure you get the biggest size of popcorn or you won't stand a chance."
"Been there done that," Castle said with a grin.
"Shut up," Kate told him as she rolled her eyes. "What are you doing tonight, Mom?"
"It's my night to be with Elizabeth. I'll go over and make dinner and eat with her…we'll watch TV for awhile, catch up on any gossip she's collected and then I'll tuck her into bed. Do you…" she stated to say but then trailed off, reminding herself not to ask.
"Do I what?" her daughter asked.
"Nothing, I've got some things to do with Gabby Saturday."
"Don't be late for your date."
Johanna's nose wrinkled. "I'm only going to shut you up."
"So you're still going?"
"Yes, I believe I just said that I was going to shut you up."
"I still think I should meet this guy before you go out with him."
"You're not my mother," Johanna stated.
"No, but I am your daughter."
"George isn't interested in meeting the children of women he dates."
"Women he dates?" Kate asked; "Is he also not into commitment because I don't think you should be going out with someone who is playing the field…or with someone who doesn't want to meet a woman's kid. This isn't the guy for you."
Johanna smiled. "It's cute how you think you know what makes a good choice for me."
"Well I think I can spot a guy with red flags," she retorted; "And this George is a major red flag."
"I just said I would go to dinner with him, I didn't say it was going to be something serious," Johanna remarked; doing her best to keep up the charade. "I assure you that he's harmless."
"I'm not so sure about that," Kate stated. "I want you to call me and let me know you're home…text during the date too…"
"Isn't that rude?" Johanna asked.
"Not if it's keeping you safe."
"I'm taking the gun."
"Good…but you're taking me via phone too."
Castle chuckled lightly. "You do kind of act like you're her mother."
Kate shot him an unamused look. "You don't give Martha some rules to follow?"
He laughed. "Martha Rodgers doesn't believe in rules."
"Neither does Richard Castle," Kate replied; "Now we know where you get it from."
"I hadn't thought about that but I guess you're right."
"I usually am."
"No, you're not," Johanna remarked. "Not by a long shot."
"I didn't ask for your opinion," her daughter stated.
"You don't have to; I give it to you for free."
"Yes, I know," Kate remarked.
Silence fell over the table once more and Castle took a few moments to observe the two women. Johanna had already stated that Kate's face was shaped like Jim's and that her hair color was inherited from her grandmother…but her eyes, nose and cheekbones were purely her mother; there was no denying that Johanna was her mother. Kate was a few inches taller than her mother, leading him to believe that she had inherited her height from her father. They were both slender and in shape; dressed nicely and with care; Kate more laid back in her dark wash jeans and white top, Johanna in her silky black dress that was decorated with a pattern of small pink flowers. They wore style as easily as they wore their heels…some of their mannerisms and expressions the same. The silences, swallowed words and unfinished phrases that sometimes hung between them told a lot about their story…that they weren't the mother-daughter duo they had once been and that it weighed heavily on both of them. His heart ached a little, wishing he knew of some way to heal that small hint of a rift that was between them.
"So," Kate said, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen over them. "Are you still mad at me for yesterday?"
"If I was, would I be here?" Johanna asked.
She shrugged. "Sometimes it's hard to tell with you."
"You should know by now that I always forgive you, Katie."
Kate met her eye. "One day you might not."
Johanna shook her head. "No; that's not true at all."
"Why?"
"Because you're my baby…I'll always forgive you. I might not forget but I'll always forgive you."
"I hope so," Kate murmured.
"I promise that I will," her mother replied; "But you're not up to something, are you? This line of conversation could be construed as testing the water of consequences."
Kate smiled. "No, I'm not up to anything…are you?"
"Not today," Johanna stated.
"Maybe tomorrow?"
Her mother smiled. "We'll play it by ear."
Silence fell once more and Kate shifted in her seat; she hated to feel at odds with her mother…and despite her pronouncement that she always forgave her. She still felt at odds with her…unsure of what to say or do now that they had found themselves in these awkward waters where she had accused her unfairly the day before, searched her house and was basically coercing her to date. She thought it was all for her own good…but what if it wasn't? She breathed deeply; she had to do what she thought was best for her…had to make sure she didn't spiral, that she wasn't dwelling or drowning in her thoughts of the past and what might have been. It was a hard role to have sometimes…and she knew that her mother had never asked her to take it on; she asked only that she be the daughter she always had been…but finding a balance between both roles wasn't easy. Just like this lunch wasn't easy. Her mother was somewhat quiet in deference to Castle being at the table. She was much chattier when it was the two of them.
"How's work, Katie?" Johanna asked, breaking the silence as she finished her salad.
"It's fine," she answered.
Her mother nodded. "I'm not going to see anything on the news am I? Because we've had those kind of lunches before."
Kate shook her head. "I'm not making the news today, Mom."
"Good…you're going to give an ulcer or worse one of these days," Johanna said as she reached for her purse to take out the money for her lunch.
"I already apologized for the ulcer you claim I've been giving you for thirteen years that still hasn't shown up yet," Kate replied.
"It's forming; believe me," her mother stated; "A few more big surprises like you like to give and I'll be on Valium and whatever it is they give you for ulcers."
Kate sighed. "Put your money away; it's my turn to pay."
"I don't mind paying," Johanna told her.
"No, you paid last time."
"Okay…but I was thinking, since I'm going to be retiring soon…how about we go back to that deal we tried to strike when you were in college? I'll quit my job and you find a safer line of work so I can enjoy my retirement with less worry."
"Mom," she sighed.
"You did what you wanted to do, Katie," she said quietly. "You settled the case…you could walk away now."
Kate met her eye. "I don't want to…just like you didn't walk away from yours."
"But I did want to," Johanna remarked; "I just didn't have anything to take its place…and I did do what we agreed to…I narrowed my practice…I cut out criminal cases…I cut out civil rights cases that involved criminal appeals. I cut out a lot of my practice, Katie. I did it for you."
"And I appreciate it…but I'm not going to quit my job. What would I do, Mom?"
"Anything you wanted; you're still young, Katie; the possibilities could be endless. You could teach at the academy if you want to stay involved, train other officers."
Kate's nose wrinkled in distaste. "No, I don't think so."
"Katie," she sighed; "Can't you just think about it?"
"No!" her daughter said sharply. "I want to keep moving up, I could be Captain some day. Don't you want me to be Captain?"
"I'd prefer you to be a mother," Johanna said honestly.
Kate rolled her eyes. "I intend to keep climbing the ranks. I want to make Captain sometime in the future. That would be a safer job, you can't have a problem with that do you?"
"A little."
"Why?"
"For reasons you don't want to hear."
"Tell me anyway."
Johanna's lips pressed into a thin line as she put her wallet away.
"Mom," Kate prodded. "Tell me."
"You'll get pissed off."
"No, I'll be pissed off if you don't tell me, now tell me, damn it."
Johanna breathed deeply. "When I hear you say that you want to make Captain, all I hear is, 'I'm taking these cases because I want to make senior partner, Jo. It's long overdue and this is what I need to do to get it…and he got it all right; just not what he wanted. So go ahead and get mad…but it's what I hear when you say things like that and I can't help wondering what price you have to pay in pursuit of it."
Kate swallowed hard; unsure of what to say as her mother toyed with the strap of her purse and Castle shot her a sympathetic look. "I'm not Dad," she stated.
"I'm aware of that…but I know what Beckett ambition can bring…so I'm wary of it," Johanna replied. "I can't help that I think of it."
"I know…I'm not mad that you think of it," she replied; "And I know what I said yesterday but you don't have to avoid saying his name."
Johanna shifted uncomfortably. "I respect your wishes, Katie. I don't need to talk about him with you. It bothers you. I have other people I can talk about him with when I need to; it's not a problem."
"I didn't say we couldn't ever talk about him…I said that you bring him up every time."
"I tried very hard today not to bring him up," she remarked. "I could've avoided it totally if you hadn't demanded that I tell you what I was thinking."
"I know…but you don't have to avoid talking about him…I just wanted you to stop doing it so much."
"And I'm trying to do that," she said sharply; "You got your answer and I got mine; case closed. I should go."
"Are you in a hurry?" Kate asked.
"I'm expecting a call from a client at one-thirty," Johanna remarked; "I want to make sure I'm back on time; she could call early."
"Alright."
"Is there something you needed, Katie?"
"No…I just wanted to see you," she admitted.
Johanna met her eye. "You don't need to worry; I'm not drinking. I'm not working too much. I'm not running too much. I'm not dating Andrew. I'm minding my topics of conversation. Does that cover it?"
"Do you still talk to pictures?" Kate asked.
Her cheeks warmed. "Is nothing sacred with you? Do you have to tell everyone my business?"
"Castle's not going to tell."
"I don't care; I hardly know him. He doesn't need to know everything about me."
"I wasn't even listening," Castle stated.
"Then why did you answer?" Johanna asked.
"Touché," he smiled.
"Since you're making a big deal out of the question, does that mean that you do?" Kate asked.
"I told you I stopped," Johanna stated; "But even if I do, I do it in the privacy of my own home and it's no one's business but mine."
She nodded. "I'll take that as a yes."
"Take it however you want," her mother stated. "Thanks for lunch."
"You're welcome," she replied as she rose from the chair to embrace her mother. "I love you."
"I love you too," Johanna said as she kissed her cheek. "Be careful."
"I will. Let me know when you got back to the office okay."
"I promise," Johanna told her. "I'll talk to you later. Goodbye, Rick."
"Have a nice day," he replied.
"Yeah, we'll see," she quipped. "Keep my daughter healthy."
"I'll do my best," he promised.
With one last goodbye to Kate, Johanna left the table and made her way out of the diner.
"I don't think she likes me," Castle declared.
Kate gave him a reassuring smile. "It takes her while to warm up, Castle; just give her time. She's not as open and trusting as she used to be…you just have to be patient with her."
He nodded. "I guess I can understand why that is. She wanted it to be just the two of you though."
"Next time," Kate said; "I'll make it up to her next time."
Jim paced the length of Agent Highland's Virginia office; a feeling of impatience stirring within him. He hated these little briefing meetings they had to have leading up to him returning to New York. He didn't know why it had to be done in person…after all, he could be updated on the case status over the phone…really it could all be done over the phone but he was there anyway. Things had to be put in motion for him to legally reinstate his identity. He breathed deeply; the meetings were annoying but at least he'd have his name back soon. It would be good to answer to 'Jim' again instead of Robert. Being called Robert was somewhat easy to deal with since it was given as his middle name…but he thought of his father every time he answered to it. He imagined that Robert Beckett was probably looking down on him with shame…not at all happy with the choices he had made that had cost him everything he loved and cherished.
Jim closed his eyes for a moment, thinking of his father's shame was never easy to bear…it made him ache even more than he already did…made him wish he could talk to him, ask him the best way to go forward as he tried to make things right again. He felt he was starting off on the right track in that respect; making sure all of legalities of his identity were being dealt with before his return and making sure there wouldn't be anything falling back on Johanna. She would've been listing herself as a widow on taxes and other legal documents and he didn't want her facing any repercussions because of his stupidity. The agent had assured him that it would all be taken care of, that there was no need to worry; she'd be protected from any legal issues stemming from his time away.
He inhaled deeply once more; he had been so incredibly stupid to get involved with Pulgotti's case. He should've never answered that letter…but to make senior partner, he needed more criminal cases under his belt…and he had wanted to be senior partner so badly; felt that it had been long past due. Digging into Pulgotti's case had set on him on the trail of dirty cops…it had promised to be a huge case…his promotion surely secured…and then the rug had gotten pulled out from under him. His ambition had cost him dearly; he had lost his wife, his daughter, time with his ageing mother…his family, friends and name…even the state he had been born and raised in. Ambition had been his downfall…a mistake he'd never make again.
Agent Highland cleared his throat, catching Jim's attention. "You're sure this is what you want?"
"Yes," he snapped; "How many times do I have to say it?"
"Some people change their minds and stay put."
"Well I'm not one of them. I'm going home. I've already had thirteen years stolen from me; I want to quit adding to them. This should've been over years ago."
"Things happen in their own time," the agent declared.
Jim scoffed. "All that happened in its own time was my daughter getting shot doing the job that this agency should've been doing. That bullet should've belonged to someone else, not my kid. That should've been the FBI's bullet…but no, she was doing the job someone else should've been doing."
"We've been over that before…we did the best we could."
"You'll have to forgive me for feeling like it wasn't enough at times," Jim stated.
Agent Highland nodded. "I understand. I also know that you're anxious to reclaim your life but there are things I don't think you're considering."
"Such as?"
The agent regarded him cautiously. "They might not welcome you back."
Anger flared in his veins. "Don't be ridiculous!"
"They're going to feel betrayed," the man went on. "They're going to be hurt. You've been gone a long time…they might not trust you."
He shook his head. "Johanna trusts me more than anyone. She'll understand why I did what I had to do…she loves me…nothing can change that."
"It's been thirteen years…she may have moved on."
"No, she hasn't," he snapped. "She's not remarried, I know that from the internet and you've even told me yourself that she hasn't remarried."
"She hasn't…but we're not privy to the details of her love life…she could be seeing someone."
Jim shook his head. "No; not my wife…she wouldn't do that."
"She thinks you're dead."
"It doesn't matter; she wouldn't do that. She loves me…I know that…it's what I've held onto for thirteen years…I still feel it. If she had stopped loving me, I'd feel it."
"That doesn't mean she won't be angry. Your wife and daughter aren't going to be the same people you left behind…they haven't been frozen in time for the past thirteen years. How old was your wife when you left?"
"A few weeks shy of forty-eight."
"And your daughter?"
"Nineteen."
"So they're sixty-one and thirty-two now."
"I'm aware of their ages," he shot back; "In fact I'm acutely aware of how many birthdays I've missed. I'm nearly sixty-three and I don't want to waste anymore time. They might be a little mad but we'll get through it. We always got through hard times…we will again."
"I think you're underestimating how difficult this is going to be."
Jim shook his head. "We'll be fine…I know my wife…she doesn't give up on me. We're going to be fine."
"I hope for your sake that you're right…otherwise you're going to be in for a rude awakening."
Jim frowned as the agent turned his attention back to the paperwork involving his identity; he was trying to make him worry…things would be alright. He would explain to Johanna and Katie that he had left to keep them safe; they'd understand…it might be a little awkward at first but it would be fine…and he'd go home with his wife…fall asleep beside her knowing the world had righted itself. They'd be fine…he wouldn't accept anything less.