A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 6
Saturday afternoon after they had finished tending to the flowers around her mother-in-law's home and Gabby had gone inside to talk to a friend on her phone, Johanna and Elizabeth settled down at the small patio table on the back porch with a cold pitcher of lemonade and a plate of cookies to nibble at.
"We didn't really get to talk last night when you were here," Elizabeth stated. "I hadn't expected Angie and Bella to come by."
"Bella wanted to see her Nana," Johanna said lightly; knowing that her mother-in-law preferred to be called Grandma or Grammy but her five year old great granddaughter had christened her as Nana and to her credit she never said a word about it to the child.
"It's nice that someone wants to see me," Elizabeth declared; "But of course they all do when they're young…it's when they grow up that they don't come around. You're good enough to fill their Easter baskets and throw some gifts under the tree; wipe their noses and their bottoms and then they don't care. Even Katie doesn't come around much."
"Hell, Liz; she only visits me when she has something to bitch about. The last two times I saw her she brought Rick with her. It's like they can't do anything separately."
Her mother-in-law nodded. "You'll see her plenty when the stick turns blue. She'll be crying for her mommy then."
Johanna laughed. "That could be true."
"Anyway," Elizabeth said; "Did Andrew take you to lunch yesterday?"
"He did," she replied. "We went to a restaurant he was scouting for one of his development projects. It was very nice; I'll have to take you there one day for lunch; I think you'd like it."
"That would be nice," the old woman agreed.
"When I retire, we'll get out more, Liz," Johanna promised.
"I'm content with the trips we take but when you do have the extra time I won't mind taking a few more. Did your secretary have anything to say about it?"
"Of course she did," she replied; "The same things she's been saying on repeat since the first time I went to lunch with him. She's even got Mark and Cathy in on it now."
"Your boss?"
"Yes."
"What did he say?"
Johanna scoffed a little, recalling the conversation she'd had with Mark the day before. "He asked if I was having a 'problem' again."
"A problem?" Elizabeth asked.
"They think I'm a drunk, Liz. One downward spiral thirteen years ago and I'm marked for life," she stated. "They think I must be drinking to go out with Andrew."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Oh in their minds it does. They figure I must be drinking in order to have such a turn of face about dating…especially with Andrew being Jim's brother. I informed him that I wasn't drinking; I'm not sure he believed me and I really don't care. He then went on to say that as my friends, they're concerned about my questionable choices lately."
"Oh for God's sake," Elizabeth exclaimed as she picked up her glass of lemonade and took a sip. "They act like you took up with some prison pen pal."
"I know…it pissed me off."
"So what did you do about it?"
"I told him not to add any cases to my case load unless it was something quick and easily handled because I'm retiring September first. He finds that questionable as well and I told him I don't give a damn; he can either process my retirement or I'll just quit; either way I'm done."
"What did he say to that?"
"He said he'd start the paperwork Monday but that I should reconsider because I need the structure of work to keep me occupied."
"They act like you're a toddler who needs constant supervision," Elizabeth said sharply. "I didn't realize that being widowed meant you had lost some of your mental faculties."
"Neither did I but they seem to think otherwise. I guess it's my own fault…I did have a few downward spirals…but they're in the past and nothing like that has happened in a long time."
"No, it hasn't…and anyone could have a downward spiral at any time in their life for any number of reasons," her mother-in-law remarked. "It's in the past like you said…they need to leave it there."
"They can't…they can't seem to forget anything…nor can they stay out of my business," Johanna replied; "But come September they'll be out of it…they won't have any choice in the matter."
"I really do think it's for the best," Elizabeth declared; "Don't get me wrong, I never had a problem with your career…and I'm not trying to seem like I'm encouraging you to give it up…but I think you'll have more peace in your life without it at this point. You've given enough to the profession; you've put up with these people long enough. It's time to do what you want."
"I am," Johanna assured. She had felt a sense of relief that afternoon before when she had informed Mark that she was entirely serious about retiring and that her chosen end date was September first. He hadn't been happy…but she had felt a small amount of weight lift from her shoulders and that was all the assurance she needed that she was doing the right thing; but having Elizabeth's support for ending her run as an attorney was nice to have too. If things had been different, it would've been a decision she made with Jim…if things had been different, she would've talked it over with her own mother or even her father. Her parents and husband were gone…but at least she had Elizabeth. Elizabeth filled some of the void left by her own mother and she found it comforting to still have a maternal influence in her life.
"Are you and Andrew going to go out for lunch again?" Elizabeth asked; bringing the topic back around.
"Probably," she answered; "If we can manage at least once a week or so given his work schedule that would be good. He'd be around enough to let people keep thinking what they want at work and that would help get me through the summer…and then when I'm finished at the firm I won't have to worry about having pretend dates."
"No, there won't be a need then…but you could still go out to lunch with him once a week if you wanted."
Johanna glanced at her mother-in-law, glad that her sunglasses were shielding her eyes as she studied the old woman. "Liz…you're not trying to match make are you?"
"No!" she exclaimed before taking a sip of her lemonade; "At least not in the way you're insinuating. I know there's no love or romance involved in this arrangement that the two of you currently have…but there is something to be said for companionship…and Gabby could use a full time mother. I'm not suggesting marriage, mind you; just that it wouldn't be so terrible of a thing if either one of you decided that companionship might be nice."
She sighed softly and chose her words carefully; knowing that Elizabeth wasn't trying to pressure or push…that she was only trying to take care of all of them by seeing everyone settled into some type of comfortable arrangement. "Liz…I understand what you're saying…but I couldn't do that…even with love and romance being excluded, it would still feel wrong to me. I couldn't do that to Jim…not even for the sake of companionship and it wouldn't be fair to Andrew either. As for Gabby; I know her mother is extremely distant…but she does have me…and she'll always have me no matter what. I'm always just a phone call away and I already take care of the things for her that a mother should like bra shopping and this morning we had that talk about how soon she'll have her period and I took her and bought her what she needs so she won't be caught off guard. I might not have given birth to her and she might not live with me, except for when Andrew is out of town and she doesn't call me mom…but I'm already her mother in a lot of ways. She knows I'm here for her no matter what."
Elizabeth nodded. "I suppose that it is true…in all the ways that matter, you're already her mother. It wasn't a job you asked for but you took it on anyway. I know how much you love her and how much she loves you. You'll forgive me for suggesting what I did, won't you?"
"Of course," she said with a soft laugh. "I know you didn't mean any harm by it…and I know when I say that these lunch dates are as far as it's going to go, you'll understand that."
"I do," her mother-in-law replied; "Like I said, I know there's no love or romance there…I just thought that if it was something you both wanted; you could all settle into a companionship type of arrangement. But I understand what you meant when you said it would still feel wrong to you and I won't mention it again. I just like to know that everyone is taken care of…I never know when another stroke might send me out."
"You're not going anywhere, Liz. The doctor says you're doing pretty well for a woman your age."
"I know…but you understand, don't you?"
"Of course I do," she promised; "And you don't need to worry; you're fine…and one day, far in the future…I'll still look after Gabby and Andrew for you."
Elizabeth gave her a small smile and a nod. "Alright; I can accept that."
Johanna patted the old woman's hand. "I knew you would."
"Are you still putting on your charade of a fake date tonight?" the older woman asked.
"Yes; but you know, when I made up this date story for Katie, there's something I didn't consider," Johanna stated.
"What's that?" Elizabeth asked.
"She might drive by the house to see if I'm home…she might even drive by here figuring this is my most likely hiding place."
Elizabeth took a sip of her lemonade and nodded. "That's true. What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to have to leave the house this evening…at least for a little while."
"Where will you go?"
"I don't know…I'm certainly not going to go out and eat alone. I do that enough for lunch…I'm not going to do it for dinner."
"You could go to a coffee shop," her mother-in-law suggested.
"Yeah, I thought about that…but my luck, I'd run into someone I know at one of those places and they'd see Katie and tell her they saw me and that I was alone."
"That's a good point," Elizabeth agreed. "I guess you could wander around Macys or Bloomingdales."
"Or go to the library," Johanna said as the thought occurred to her. "I could go there and read for awhile…she'd be none the wiser."
Her mother-in-law nodded. "That sounds like a good idea…probably a low risk of running into anyone there as well."
"That true…it does seem like a low risk…and that's just what I need. I'll go to the library."
"You better dress the part though," Elizabeth suggested as she picked up her glass of lemonade. "Katie might ride by when it's time for you to leave; you don't want to look like you're not going out for the evening."
Johanna frowned. "I'm going to feel stupid dressing up for an hour or so at the library."
"You don't have to overdo it," the older woman declared. "I'm not suggesting a ballgown and diamonds…just a nice dress or a skirt…something that will look like you gave a small amount of effort to make it look good."
"I'll go with a skirt," she stated; "That might seem a little more casual…people might think I just got off work or something because it's not usual for professionals to work the occasional weekend."
"Sounds reasonable."
Johanna sighed and took a sip of her lemonade. "It takes just as much work not to date as it does to actually have a date."
Elizabeth laughed. "Well that's because you have people in your life who can't mind their own damn business, Katie included. I don't see where you stick your nose in her relationships but she's all for sticking her nose in your love life lately."
"I know and I get enough of that crap at work with people being overly interested in my love life. I don't know why people can't just accept that this is who I am…that there isn't going to be another man in my life. If I can't have the one I want, then I don't want any of them. Is it really so horrible to still love my husband?"
"No, it isn't," the old woman declared; "And there's nothing wrong with being content to be single if you can't have the person you want. Yes, you've still got a lot of life ahead of you but I'm sure you can fill it with things you enjoy that doesn't require the presence of a man you don't want and won't love. The problem at work will resolve soon enough once you retire if you're going to do it at the end of the summer. The problem with Katie…you're going to keep having it unless you stand up to her and tell her to mind her own business and that no one knows what you need but you."
"That's easier said than done."
"That may be…but you better figure out how to do it or Katie's going to keep acting like she's the boss of you…and you can't retire from her…so you better start standing your ground, Johanna; or that girl is going to keep walking on you."
"I know," she said softly. "I just have to figure out the best way to drive home the point. If Jim was here, I wouldn't need to…everything would still be alright if he was here."
Elizabeth rubbed her hand. "I know…I feel the same way; if only Robert were still here…if Jimmy was still here…things would be fine; but they're not…and I guess we have to make things fine for ourselves."
She swallowed hard. "I guess that's true…some days it's harder to do than others."
"I know, dear; but we do the best we can and that's all anyone can ask of us."
"Yeah…except for the people I know; they always ask for more," Johanna replied; "I have to find a way to break that trend."
"Yes, you do…and one day you'll figure it out."
"I hope so," Johanna said quietly; but somehow she had her doubts about it.
"I probably shouldn't even bring this up," Castle stated; "Given that there's only fifteen minutes left of your shift and past history indicates that the last fifteen minutes is good for going awry on a slow day…but…should we be lucky enough to make a case free exit in fifteen minutes, what do you want to do tonight?"
Kate glanced away from the paperwork that wasn't holding her attention anyway. "Dinner out would be nice…but there's something I need to do first."
Curiosity lit up his blue eyes. "What's that?"
"I need to find out about my mother's date," she replied.
"There is no date," Castle remarked. "You didn't find him in any databases."
"I know…but that doesn't mean she isn't going out with someone. I need to know for sure…and you can come with me."
"What exactly are we going to do?"
"Stake out the house," she replied without batting an eye.
His brow rose. "Seriously?"
"Yes," she exclaimed. "Don't look at me like I'm crazy."
Castle's eyes widened. "I didn't."
"Yes, you did! And let me remind you that you've suggested far more outlandish things than this…so you have no right to judge."
"Hmm, I see your mother's nose isn't the only thing you've inherited from her."
"What?" Kate asked.
"You've got your mother's nose…and her eyes…the set of her cheekbones too…and that 'don't judge me' thing…she did that same thing at lunch the other day."
"I never said I wasn't like her in some ways…and it's common knowledge that I favor her in looks but that's beside the point. I need to do this and you can come along…when we're finished we'll go on and get something to eat."
"Maybe you should do it alone," Castle suggested. "I don't think she likes it when you bring me along."
"If she doesn't leave the house she won't know," she replied. "I just need to see if she leaves."
"And if she does?"
"I'm hoping she doesn't…because I don't like the sound of this thing but if she does…I might have to follow her."
Castle met her gaze. "You're determined for your mother to hate me, aren't you?"
"I am not! Come on, I'd do it for you. If you do this with me, I'll background check Alexis's next boyfriend," Kate offered.
He pondered that for a moment. "Really?"
"Yes."
He nodded, the benefit outweighing the risk in his mind. "Deal."
"Really?"
"Yes…we shall stake out…and then go have a steak dinner because now I'm thinking about steak."
Kate smiled. "That sounds great…and I promise, I'll make it up to you for doing this for me. It won't take long…we'll just find out what she's up to, go have some steak and some wine…see where the night takes us."
"Hopefully it won't include your mother shooting at us."
"She wouldn't do that…she only pulls the gun on men who ask her out," she remarked. "It'll be fine, I promise."
"I think in this case we'll just play it by ear before making promises about the appearance of a gun," he quipped.
"It'll be fine," Kate promised. At least she hoped it would be.
Johanna sighed deeply as she swiped the lip gloss across her lips. She glanced at the photo of Jim on the stand, her heart stinging a little. "I feel stupid," she told her husband's image. "But let's face it; this whole thing is stupid. Life has come to the point where I have to dress up to go sit in the library so your daughter thinks I'm on a date. I don't know how it's come to this, Jim; I really don't…and I know what you're probably thinking…I always did let people walk on me to a certain extent. I had that kind of relationship with my father…and now it kind of feels like I have it with Katie. I just wish I knew what to do about it. I wish you were here to help me…but then again, if you were here, I wouldn't be in this mess," she said, tears filling her eyes. "Sometimes I'm still mad at you for leaving me like this…I know it wasn't your choice…but sometimes I'm still mad."
She blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay. "That stupid therapist they made me talk to said I'd get over that…in some ways I have but in others I haven't. I still get mad at you…because you promised you'd never leave me…and yet you did and here I am by myself…making up fake dates to get people to leave me alone because they don't approve of how I live my life. It shouldn't be this way, Jim. We should've been planning to retire…planning all the trips we were going to take and the things we were going to do with the extra time just like we always talked about. But now I'm planning to retire…by myself…I made it official yesterday…and now I'll plan how to spend my time…and it's going to be a hard job without you. You always filled up the world for me…and once you were gone everything was empty. Katie doesn't want me around much. She's got her own life…she doesn't like to do things with me because she thinks about how we were shopping when you died. I hope she doesn't think it never crosses my mind, because it does…but I can't avoid shopping…I have to have something to do besides work and running and taking care of your mother and Gabby when needed. So I can't ask her to go with me anymore…that's a new development. I know you probably feel bad about it…don't; it's not your fault…and don't think I love you any less just because I still get angry with you for leaving me…I still love you as much as always…it just hurts so much at times."
Johanna rubbed her thumb over her wedding rings. "Sometimes I still imagine what it would be like if you just somehow showed up out of the blue…telling me it was all a mistake. I always try to figure out what that would feel like…I'd be relieved and happy…and then I'd be so damn mad at you for leaving me for so long and I'd have a million questions about where the hell you had been and what you had been doing…and you'd probably laugh at my anger, telling me about my bad temper. But that's never going to happen…I spent the first few years you were gone trying to convince myself that it was a mistake…that maybe they had been wrong and you were out there somewhere. But that was just wishful thinking…if you were still out there somewhere, somehow; you would've come home by now…or at least found a way to let me know where you were and I would've came and got you…or just stayed there with you."
She breathed deeply, her stomach feeling upset as it always did when she thought about all the fantasies she'd had over the years of it all being some mistake. There was no mistake; he was gone…he wasn't ever coming back to her. She swallowed hard…that was always a bitter pill to swallow. "You just had to make senior partner," she said bitterly as she glanced at his picture. "You felt it was long overdue and you wanted it…you just had to have it…so you took that case and that case took you down…and that firm you wanted to be a senior partner at so badly…all they were worried about was having me get in there and clean out your office so they could move in someone else. They didn't even mourn you…I had to fight them to pay me what you were owed because Stanley didn't want to shell out the money for your vacation and personal days. He could've cared less…all he wanted was your office cleaned out and your car removed from the property. So you see, that firm you wanted to climb the ranks in so badly didn't give a damn about you once you were gone…we were still at the funeral when Stanley told me to get in there and clean out your office by the end of the week. You didn't matter to them, Jim. But you mattered to me...I didn't care if you were a senior partner or not. I wouldn't have cared if you had stayed at the same rank you were at when we met…hell when I had to leave Roche, I never moved up at all. I just wish being senior partner hadn't meant so much to you…because it cost us everything in the long run."
Johanna glanced in the vanity mirror, blinking away the moisture in her eyes once more before she looked at her watch. It was time for her to go. She rose from the seat of her vanity and straightened her navy blue top before smoothing a hand over her black skirt. It seemed like a date worthy outfit…a work outfit at the very least but it would suffice. She picked up her purse and looked inside, making sure the gun was still in its place and then checking to be sure her phone was there as well. Seeing that she had everything she needed, she slipped her feet into her heels and grabbed her book, tucking it inside her purse before she hooked the strap over her shoulder. She moved through the bedroom, turning off the lights and then stepped into the hallway…she didn't know how long she was going to have to do this but she hoped it wasn't long. She'd much rather just stay home and watch a movie…be content in memories of the past…but everyone seemed to be against that.
"Here she comes," Kate said, scrunching down in her seat as she saw her mother step out the front door.
"I can't believe we're doing this," Castle stated as he scrunched down as well, watching as Johanna Beckett made her way to the red Dodge Charger sitting in front of the house.
"I told you, I need to know what she's really doing," Kate replied; "You know I didn't find any sign of a sixty-something George Bailey who's employed at Columbia University. So either he's an even bigger red flag than I thought or he doesn't exist like we expect…in which case I need to know what she's doing since she's actually leaving the house."
"I know…but she's not going to like it if she sees us."
"She's not going to see us…at least not yet anyway," she remarked; they were parked several houses away and she waited until her mother's car started up before she started up her own.
"Don't get too close," Castle cautioned.
"Castle, I know how to tail someone, I'm a cop," she said; allowing her mother to pull out first and getting so far ahead before she pulled out as well.
"That's what all the cops say on TV and they're always made by the commercial break."
"We're not on TV; we're in real life an believe me, the woman driving the car ahead of us is more concerned with finding a song on the radio she likes than who is behind her on the road. I know her…song selection is of the utmost importance."
"Yes…but she may be distracted today and notice. I mean she has to think you're going to check out the house; why else leave when she doesn't really have a date?" he asked.
"What if she does have a date…with some creep using a fake name?" Kate asked; "Because there is no George Bailey and I'm not going to let her go out there and hook up with the first red flag loser she found just to prove something and I end up an orphan."
"I don't think you need to worry about that."
"I'll be the judge of that."
"Okay; we'll do it your way," he said; sensing how uptight she was about the situation. It was very telling that she was worried about being an orphan when she seemed to keep her mother at arms length at times. It was also telling that despite her prodding; she wasn't all that comfortable with the idea of her mother dating…which was why instead of them being out for their own dinner, they were playing stake out. He didn't really mind though; without law enforcement restrictions this could be a more enjoyable stake out than usual…or at very least, somewhat humorous. The Beckett women were proving to be far from boring.
Kate was tense and silent as they casually followed Johanna into the city. On one hand she felt stupid doing this; after all, her mother was a grown woman and quite capable of thinking for herself…but on the other hand she thought her father would want her to do it…to make sure her mother was safe and not in any sort of danger from some creep using a fake name. He would want her to do it; she was sure of that. Against her will, a memory flicked through her mind of one of the many times he had been about to leave for a business trip. She had been about six years old…she and her mother both sad to see him heading out again for at least a week.
"Take care of Mommy for me, Princess," her father said as he lifted her into his arms for a hug.
"How do I take care of Mommy?" she asked.
He smiled. "Lots of hugs and kisses; that always makes her happy. Can you do that? Make sure she gets lots of hugs and kisses?"
"I can do that," she giggled.
He smiled and kissed her cheek. "I knew I could count on you. I need my girls to be happy."
"Do you have to go, Daddy?"
"You know I do, Katie," he said gently; "But I'll call you and Mommy every night and I'll be home as fast as I can; okay?"
"Okay," she said, sinking against him in a hug. "I'll take care of Mommy."
"Good," he replied, rubbing her back; "And Mommy will take care of you; both of my girls will be taken care of."
Kate swallowed hard as the memory faded; he always told her to take care of her mother…and she knew that when she was little he only said it as a way to make her think he had given her something important to do for him when he was away so that she would be occupied with the idea that he'd be calling and asking how things were going and then maybe she wouldn't miss him as badly as she had when he had first started traveling so much. But she knew without a doubt that he'd want her to take care of her mother for real now that he wasn't there to do it himself. She owed that to him after the nightmare she sometimes was as a teenager. They always seemed to clash in those days…and it was always left to her mother to smooth things over, to broker a truce or fair punishment. There were times when he told her exactly how many days were left until she went to college…sometimes it had hurt her…other times she knew she had exasperated him to the point that he deserved to have a countdown.
But he hadn't wanted her to go to California for school…he had railed against that in every way possible…which only made California all the more desirable to her. More time wasted…more time when she could've been closer to home and saw more of him. That was hers to carry for the rest of her life and she knew he wouldn't want her to; he had been proud of her…he just hadn't liked her being so far from home…and neither had her mother. But she had chosen a place far from them; wanting to get away…and now, looking back, she wasn't even sure why. With the exception of occasional teenage angst; they had good relationships…they had loved her and gave her everything she needed…gave her everything she wanted within reason. She had a loving home…there had been no real reason to flee…other than the fact that she had wanted them out of her business so she could do whatever the hell she wanted…and all that had gotten her was trouble and her mother screaming at her in a Vegas wedding chapel. She gripped the steering wheel tightly; that hadn't been a good day.
"You okay?" Castle asked as he noticed her grip tighten on the wheel.
"Mhmm," she murmured with a nod.
"You're very quiet…what are you thinking about?"
"Nothing," she murmured; unwilling to share the memory and the thoughts that had been going through her mind.
"Don't worry," he told her. "I think your mother seems like a level headed person, I don't think she'd just pick someone at random that would put her in jeopardy. Besides, wherever it is she's going, I still wholeheartedly believe she's going to be alone."
"We won't be sure of it until we see the evidence," Kate remarked; "I'm not taking any chances."
"Kate; your mother is going to be fine. She's not going to be in harms way."
"I don't know that until I know for sure what she's doing."
"I'm sure she goes a lot of places alone and you don't follow her."
"This is different," she stated; "This supposedly has a man attached to it…and if he is real and he's not showing up in any database, then that's a problem and I'm not going to go sit somewhere and let whatever happens happen. I don't take chances when it comes to her. I'm not burying another parent before their time!"
Castle glanced at her. "You've followed her before, haven't you?"
"I didn't say that."
"No, you didn't say it…but you have…haven't you?"
She blew out a heavy breath. "Maybe once or twice."
"Why?"
"Because she was having meetings with a client outside of the office…I wanted to make sure she was safe…it wasn't long after Dad had died and I could tell she was nervous about it because the day Dad died he told us he had some work to take care of at the office and we drew our own conclusions that he must've had some meeting about a case and it went sour…that was our theory…and I wasn't going to let it happen again. So, yeah, I followed her to the diner her client wanted to meet at…I went in and sat in a booth where I could see her but she couldn't see me and I stayed there until it looked like they were ready to leave and then I hurried out to my car to make sure she got to her car safely and I followed her home."
"Did she know?"
"No; when I walked in the door a few minutes after her I told her I had been at the library looking for something I needed for a paper."
"And that was the only time?"
"What does it matter?"
"It doesn't…I'm just curious," Castle stated. "You feel she needs protected so you do what you think is best…and sometimes that must mean following her…so it stands to reason that maybe there were other occasions."
"She agreed to stop taking any criminal cases…but there was still an appeal on her caseload she had to see through. I made sure to be there when court let out so I could make sure she was fine…and then she lost that appeal and her client was very angry which scared her…he said it wouldn't have happened if she had her mind on the job instead of her personal problems; some of his hearings had been postponed because of Dad's passing and it annoyed him…and she didn't know what connections he might have that could get even on his behalf so she was terrified…that's why she got the gun…and I followed her as much as I could to make sure she got back and forth okay. The guy got another lawyer and that one won his appeal…so then she was really worried but he never bothered her thankfully…but when he got out, I went back to following her for a little while when I could."
"I definitely understand your concern in that scenario," Castle remarked. "I'm glad he never bothered her."
"When I became a cop, I checked the databases for him…he left the state and he's never came back…I still check once in awhile though."
"She's slowing down, I think she's looking for a place to park," he said with a nod at the red car they were tailing.
Kate slowed down as well, searching for her own parking space on the opposite side of the street. She found one as her mother pulled into a space a little further up the street. "Where is she going?" she muttered as Johanna got out of the car.
"I'm not sure yet," Castle said; keeping his gaze trained on the dark haired figure as she stepped up on the sidewalk. 'She's going into the…library."
"The library!" Kate exclaimed; watching as her mother made her way into the building. "Why the library?"
"Well, if there is a man…this could be a safe place to meet."
"If there is a man, why not just meet him in a restaurant full of people?"
"Because there's no man," he stated. "This is her hiding place. She figures if you drive past her house you'll see she's not there and you'll assume she's on her date…and all the while she'll be in a safe place…with no date."
Kate frowned as she opened the car door. "Let's go make sure."
"You don't want to play along and let her think she fooled you?"
"No!" she exclaimed. "Come on."
He followed her, wondering if this was really the best course of action but Kate was determined and he knew she wouldn't back down. They made their way into the library, carefully and cautiously looking around for Johanna until finally Kate spied her in the law section of the building, reading glasses on and a paperback book in hand. She was the only person in the section and she had chosen herself a cozy spot in a corner. A small flicker of irritation flashed in Kate's veins as she quickly ducked into another section before she could be spotted.
"I told you there was no date," Castle whispered. "She's just hiding out."
"I can't believe she did this," she muttered.
"She's desperate to be left alone about it," he remarked; "Maybe she's happy the way she is."
"I just want what's best for her…she needs someone."
"I don't think she wants it," he said gently; "There's only one person she wants and she can't have him. I don't think she's interested."
"She could be if she'd let herself."
"She doesn't want to…and I don't think you could handle it if she did want it," he replied.
"That's not true."
"I think it is."
"Well you're wrong," she said as she slipped her phone out of her pocket.
"What are you doing?"
"Playing a game of my own," she replied as she tapped out a text to her mother. "Are you on your date?"
Castle forced himself not to move closer to the section Johanna was in to see the reaction on her face to the message. They waited silently in a row of books several aisles away from her; Kate's phone buzzing a few moments later. "Yes. Do you need something?" her mother wrote back.
Kate smirked at the screen. "I want you to keep checking in…I don't know this guy, he's not someone I trust."
"I told you he's harmless."
"Where are you two having dinner?"
"I'm not telling you; you'll show up."
"I'll be discreet…I just want to get a look at the guy. Send me a pic of him so I know what he looks like."
"No!"
"Why not?"
"Because he'll think I'm crazy…he's already giving me looks for being on my phone. I'm sure he thinks I'm being rude. Please don't worry, I'm fine."
"If he has a problem with you answering a few messages from your daughter than maybe he isn't someone you should be spending time with."
"He's a perfectly nice man, he just has manners; now I need to stop texting you before he gets mad."
"He shouldn't get mad about me wanting to be assured of your safety."
"Some people find it rude."
"I'm your daughter; tell him to get used to it."
The phone remained silent and Kate frowned at it. "What now?" Castle whispered after a few minutes.
"Now we go confront her," she stated.
"Are you sure about that?" he asked.
"Oh yeah; I'm sure," she remarked; "I'm not going to let her think I'm so easily played as a sucker."
"This is going to be awkward," he whispered.
"You wanted every layer of the onion, Castle," she quipped; "Welcome to my world."
"I didn't realize there were so many games between mothers and daughters."
"It's not a game…not really…just like a life long version of tug of war…only the rope is invisible. Oh God, that sounds like something you'd say."
"I know," he beamed; "Isn't it great."
"I'll get back to you on that," she murmured as they made their way back to the law section and she headed toward the cozy corner her mother was hiding in. "So, do you have all your hot dates here?" she asked as she stepped in front of her mother.
Johanna flinched and then looked up from her book. "What are you doing here?" she hissed.
"Better question; what are you doing here?" Kate asked.
"Well since I was on my phone so much before we even ordered dinner, my date changed his mind. We were nearby so I walked here," Johanna replied.
Kate laughed. "No, you didn't."
"What makes you so sure?"
"Well for one, you have a book in your hand…one that you bought when I was with you several weeks ago. Two, you have your reading glasses on and I know you well enough to know that if you were going on a date, you wouldn't have those with you…you'd squint at the menu because you're self conscience about them, you have been since the day you got them. Three, I walked in the door right behind you; I was texting you from a few aisles away."
Johanna frowned. "Did you follow me?!" she whispered angrily.
"Yeah; we did."
Johanna gaze flicked to Castle and then back to her daughter. "Do you really need to drag him to every embarrassing moment of my life?" she asked. "I mean do you do anything without him? Do you take him to the bathroom with you too?"
"This isn't about me or him, it's about you."
"Apparently it's about all three of us," Johanna remarked.
"It wasn't my idea," Castle stated. "But I was right," he said with a glance at Kate.
"Right about what?" Johanna demanded to know.
"That you didn't have a real date," Kate replied. "George Bailey is the main character in It's A Wonderful Life."
"There could be a real George Bailey."
"There could be but there's not; I ran his name through the databases and there's no George Bailey in your age range in this city."
"You what!?" Johanna asked as she pulled off her reading glasses. "How dare you!?"
"I dare because you're my mother and I don't want you going out with some psycho," Kate retorted.
"You're my daughter and I don't go running background checks on your boyfriends!"
"Now you know that's not true," Kate replied. "You had Dad's private investigator friend find out everything he could about Castle when he started following me."
"What?" Castle said; startled at the revelation.
"That's totally different," Johanna remarked. "You weren't dating him then."
"You had me looked into?" Castle asked.
"Well of course I did," Johanna told him. "I didn't know you outside of your books…just because you look nice on the picture on the back doesn't mean you're automatically given a pass as a sane person. I've already lost enough in my life…when some man wants to follow my daughter around out of the blue, you're damn right I have you investigated."
"Wow," he said.
"It's nothing personal, Rick," she told him. "I just didn't trust you…Jim's friend told me everything I needed to know, you earned Katie's trust and all is well. Besides, Katie didn't have a problem with it at the time."
Castle glanced at Kate. "Really?"
She sighed. "I was still annoyed with your presence at that time and I may have been hoping she'd find something I could use to get rid of you…but I'm glad she didn't; it all worked out for the best…and who are you to judge? You wanted me to investigate Alexis's prom date…and every date she's had since then."
He nodded. "I guess you have a point there…but Mrs. Beckett; next time you want to know something, just ask; no need for a private investigator."
Johanna's brow rose. "Don't judge me when you and my daughter have in the past few days searched my house and followed me on what very well could have been an actual date."
"Well when you put it that way it does make me seem like a hypocrite, doesn't it?" he quipped.
That's why I put it that way."
"It was all Kate's idea though," he told her.
"Oh I'm sure about that," Johanna said; her gaze sliding back to Kate as she pulled the case for her glasses from her purse.
"Why did you lie, Mom?" her daughter asked.
"Because…I know you want me to date so…I got a date; it's just not tonight and you won't like who it's with…so I figured if I tricked you for tonight you'd be happy and I wouldn't have to tell you about the real one," Johanna lied; knowing that she was going to need help for her next endeavor.
Kate eyed her. "You're dating Andrew, aren't you?" she hissed.
"No!" Johanna said sharply. "It's not Andrew."
"Then who is it and why won't I like it?"
"You won't like anyone I choose," her mother remarked; "And it's none of your business."
"Yeah; it's another fake date," Kate retorted. "When is it, tomorrow?"
"No, it's Tuesday night."
"No one goes out on Tuesday night," her daughter remarked.
"That's not true; plenty of people go out on Tuesday nights…that's why restaurants are open on Tuesdays," Johanna shot back. "I'm sure you'll find out for yourself…I'm sure you'll follow me."
"Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Why are you playing games?" she asked.
"I'm not playing games…I'm doing what you want. You want me to forget my husband, find a new man so I can be his burden and not yours," Johanna stated.
"I never said that."
"You kind of did," she retorted as she put her book back in her purse and fished out her car keys. "Remember I'm emotionally needy and you have a life and think I don't so you want me to 'find someone' so I don't need you around much. So that's what I'm doing…finding someone so you won't have to worry about me and you can go on about your business until you need me to babysit."
"Mom," Kate sighed. "It's not like that."
"It is," Johanna said as she rose from her chair; "But don't worry…I have a real date Tuesday night…six o'clock…so if you get a call that I leave work early; just know I went home early so I could start getting ready. Now if we're done here, I'm going home…which is where I'd rather be anyway."
"I just worry about you," she stated.
"You don't need to worry, Katie. I'm fine…you're the one who isn't fine."
"How am I not fine?" Kate asked.
"You're fine with yourself…you're not fine with me," Johanna stated. "You feel you have closure, you're moving on to other things…better things; and I'm glad for that for you. I spent thirteen years begging you not to let our loss define your life…to be your only purpose. I begged you not to throw your life away chasing it. You didn't listen…but it's settled now and you feel you can move on and you should…I want you to be happy. I want you to have a full, rich life. But I'm never going to be able to move on the way you are…because it's different for me; he was your father…but he was my husband…my everything…I shared every part of my life with him since I was in my early twenties. I can't just let go because the case is closed. I can't…it's not closure for me…I know you want it to be, Katie; but it's not. Knowing the reason why and who did it…it didn't ease anything for me other than eliminating a danger from your life. Nothing's changed for me…I'm sorry. All I can do is promise to try and do better but I'm never going to be able to let go to the extent you want me to."
"Maybe you'd feel better if you tried to let go more," her daughter replied.
Johanna gave a short laugh. "Who said I feel badly? I had a wonderful husband; I am thankful for every memory I have of him and I cherish them and hold them close. I have a beautiful daughter who I love more than anything. I have a brother and sister-in-law; a sister, nieces and nephews; I have a mother-in-law to take care of and spend time with. I have friends. I have things I like to do. I'm not sitting in a dark corner somewhere, Katie. I do what I need to do. I don't have to be a social butterfly to feel fulfilled."
"You don't seem fulfilled," her daughter replied. "I know you're lonely."
"Yeah, I get lonely," Johanna stated; "Lonely for my husband, not the company of other men."
"It's kind of the same thing, Mom. You're lonely because you had a man in your life and he's gone…he's been gone for a long time…and maybe someone else could help ease that loneliness."
"You know what else might help that feeling?" Johanna asked.
"What?"
"If maybe my daughter came and sat down at the table once a week for dinner. Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone if I felt like I still had a daughter…because you don't act like my daughter, Katie; you act like you're my warden or my keeper…and I don't need either one of those things."
"Someone has to take care of you."
Fire flickered in Johanna's eyes. "I take care of myself just fine," she said tartly. "I don't need someone else to do it for me, not some man…not even you. I need you to be my daughter…can't you just be my daughter?"
"I am," Kate shot back; "Daughters take care of their mothers."
"Not the way you're doing it," her mother replied. "You're doing it wrong."
Kate shot her a perturbed look of her own. "Then what's the right way if you think I'm doing it wrong?"
"The right way is by knowing that I'm not senile…that I'm still very capable of making my own decisions about my life. If you want to do things the right way, then instead of telling me what you think I should do, you should listen to what I want to do. You could just be there sometimes like I always try to be there for you…but you're not, Katie. All you want to do is tell me what you think is right for me; question me like some suspect…push me at things I don't want…you tell me what not to talk about…not to invite you places…and I respect that...so when are you going to start respecting me?"
"I do respect you!"
"Do you? Because it doesn't feel like it when you take everyone's word over mine. When you want me to do things you know I don't want to do…"
"I just want what's best for you," Kate hissed quietly; "I didn't realize it was a crime."
"It's not a crime to want what's best for me…but what's best for me isn't your decision; it's mine…just like you make your decisions without my input."
"Fine, Mom; I'm sorry," she retorted; "I'm sorry that I care enough about you to want to make sure you're happy. From now on I don't give a damn what you do, I don't care if you're going out with someone or not. Hey, make it official with Andrew if that's what you want…then Gabby can have her dream come true and start calling you Mom because I damn sure won't be around."
"I'm not dating Andrew," she said tersely; "And don't drag a twelve year old girl into this. Gabby's never done anything to you but idolize you; she adores you and you barely give her the time of day because you're so jealous of the fact that I take care of her when needed. You want me to have a man in my life but you get jealous sharing me with your little cousin so do you really think you could handle seeing someone in your father's place? I don't think so."
"I'm not jealous of Gabby," Kate shot back.
"Yes, you are…you always have been; even when she was a baby. You've always made cracks about her wanting me to be her mother. Well someone had to mother her; that bitch that gave birth to her won't do it. It doesn't take anything away from my love for my own child…you'd think at your age you'd know that."
"I do," she said testily.
"Then act like it," Johanna retorted; anger simmering in her voice. "And while we're on the topic of family; your grandmother misses you so, so pull your head out of your boyfriend's ass one evening this week and go spend an hour with her…you don't have to do it on a day I'm there but you go do it. She's ninety years old, Katie; she's not going to be around forever…one day you'll regret not spending more time with her."
"I'll go visit her as soon as I can."
"You better get over there this week or you're going to wish you did," Johanna replied; "I have plenty of stories to share about you that I think Rick would find fascinating…so you either go visit your grandmother by the end of the week or I start talking."
"I'll go over Wednesday," Kate said sharply; "That's one of your days…you'll be sure to know I'm there."
"Fine; dinner is at six, don't be late. Now I think we're done here," Johanna stated. "You two have a nice evening now that you're done running around following me."
"Just out of curiosity," Castle stated; "How much do you hate me so I know how much I have to make up for it."
Johanna gave him an unamused look. "I don't hate you, Rick; I barely even know you…and you'd think that since you barely know me, you wouldn't go along with Katie's little schemes…but I can probably guess why you do."
"Mom," Kate said, her tone softer; "Don't be mad…I just wanted to make sure you were safe tonight."
"Everything I've been saying is about more than just tonight," her mother replied. "Give it some thought. I'm leaving now…I'm sure I'll see you Tuesday when I venture out of the house again for social purposes."
"I love you," she murmured; feeling a hint of remorse.
"I love you too, Katie. Go enjoy your evening…I'm going home."
Kate watched as her mother stalked away until she was out of sight and then she turned to Castle. "I guess we better go too."
"We're not following her, are we?"
"God no," she remarked; "We've done enough of that for one night. She's going home."
"What are you going to do about her supposed date on Tuesday?" he asked as they made their way back through the library.
"I don't know…I'll figure it out later," she replied. "I think until then I better just lay low where she's concerned."
"That might be best," Castle agreed. "Tonight was awkward…next time I'm staying in the car."
"Oh now you want to stay in the car," Kate quipped despite her heavy heart. "Now I know the one thing that makes you want to stay behind."
"Yes; you've finally uncovered it," he said lightly as her hand slipped into his; "But it's too late to do anything about it."
"It feels like it's too late to do anything about a lot of things," Kate replied.
Instead of heading for home after leaving the library, Johanna drove around the city for a short while before talking herself into enlisting help for her endeavor to get her daughter off her back about her love life. Andrew was out of the question; he was a safe acceptable choice to help her in the face of her colleagues but not in the face of her daughter. No, for Katie she'd need someone else…someone outside the family but still trustworthy. She had one option…and she hoped he'd agree. She also hoped Jim would understand…and she felt sure that he would; that he'd agree it was safe, trustworthy source…a person he always trusted. She pulled up in front of the house without even fully realizing that she had driven in his direction but she hurried to park and get out of the car.
Johanna made her way up to the door and knocked before she could lose her nerve; feeling stupid once more but unsure of what else to do. The door opened and she found herself looking into the smiling face of Jeff Campbell. "Sassy," he stated as he pushed open the screendoor. "What are you doing here?"
"Are you busy?" Johanna asked, clutching the strap of her purse.
"No, come on in," Jeff told her as he studied her face. "What's going on?"
"I've got a problem," she replied as she moved into the house.
"Who needs punched?"
She smiled. "No one right now."
"If that changes, you just give me a name and an address and I'll take care of it," Jeff told her as he led her to the living room and directed her to the chair.
"I appreciate that."
"So what's wrong, Sassy?" Jeff asked as he settled down on his sofa.
"It's kind of awkward," Johanna admitted.
"It's not lady stuff, is it?" he asked as he studied her.
"No!" she exclaimed.
"Just making sure," he laughed.
"Like I'd really bring lady business to you," Johanna remarked; "What the hell do you know about it?"
"Not a damn thing other than that women under a certain age usually require three to five days a month of being left alone…and then when they're over that certain age, you still shouldn't question their mood swings or why they need to fan themselves in the winter."
She smirked at him. "I'm past the time of needing three to five days and I was fortunate enough for menopause to be a peaceful low key affair in my life."
Jeff shook his head. "I don't need to know these things, Sassy. What is your non-lady business issue tonight? Is everything okay at home?"
"As much as it can be," she murmured.
He nodded. "I miss him too."
"I know you do," she said softly.
"Is that's what's wrong?" Jeff asked; "You're lonely tonight and you need someone to talk to? You don't have to feel awkward about that; you can stop by anytime, you know that. I've always told you that."
"I know…but it's not that."
"Then what is it? I'm starting to worry. Are you in some kind of trouble?"
"No," Johanna said with a shake of her head. "I just…I…"
"You what? Spit it out, Jo; you'll feel better if you just get it out."
"I…I need you to go to dinner with me Tuesday evening," she said quickly before she could talk herself out of it.
Jeff's brow rose and then he laughed. "Are you asking me on a date?"
She cringed a little. "Not in the way you mean…kind of like a pretend date…I'll pay for the dinner."
"Sassy, what the hell is going on?" he asked; a touch of lightness in his tone.
Johanna sighed deeply. "It's a long story but the jist of it is that people want to keep sticking their nose in my love life, insisting I move on from my husband and get a life…I have no desire to become romantically entangled with any man…but people keep at me; even at work it's never ending…"
"Sharon," Jeff stated.
"Yes…and even Mark has made comments because apparently I've offended some of the men in the building by turning them down…."
"Well you're no slut; what does he expect?"
"I think they want me to become one and I'm not going to do that…so in the work angle; Andrew's been coming around to take me out to lunch…which Sharon's just in a tizzy over since he's Jim's brother but I just tell her I'm doing what she wants."
"So where do I come in?" Jeff asked; "Am I taking over for Andrew?"
"No…it's just that one of the people constantly on my back lately is Katie…and she's not going to go for the Andrew thing…Sharon called and told her that I was 'seeing' him," she said, using air quotes; "And she nearly had a stroke. So I tried making up a date…and she followed me today and found out I didn't have one. So during our confrontation I told her I have a real date Tuesday evening at six…so…I need someone to go to dinner with me so she'll think it's a date and leave me alone. I know she'll be watching the house…she might even follow for a little while to make sure I'm not dropped off somewhere. I'm not asking for a real date…I'm not looking for a relationship; no one can replace what I had…I just need a ruse to get people to leave me alone. I'll pay for the dinner…I'll even pay you to go. I wouldn't ask but I don't know anyone else that isn't married that I trust enough. I mean…I know I'd be safe with you; you wouldn't expect anything other than dinner with a friend…because that's all it would be…if you're willing to go through with it. If not I understand, really I do."
Jeff gave her a sad smile and she felt her hopes dash, embarrassment sweeping over her as her cheeks warmed. "You know, now that I said it, I realize how stupid it is so let's just forget that I asked," she said as she rose from the chair. "I need to get home…I'll see you around."
"Jo," he said gently.
She cringed. "It's okay. It was a stupid idea and it would be incredibly awkward so let's just forget it."
"Johanna, sit down," Jeff told her.
She sighed deeply. "You don't usually call me that."
Jeff smiled. "I know; I baptized you as Sassy all those years ago and my usage of your full name dropped off a bit."
She reluctantly sat back down, feeling like the biggest fool in the universe…wondering if Jim was up there somewhere laughing at the mess she had gotten herself into.
"I'll go to dinner with you," Jeff stated.
"You don't have to," she told him; "I shouldn't have asked…I told you it was awkward."
Jeff smiled. "Sassy, there's no harm in having dinner with a friend. What time should I pick you up?"
"At six…but only if you're sure."
"I'm positive. It's not a big deal to have dinner. Since Katie will be lurking somewhere, I'll make sure to be on my A game as a suitor."
"I didn't know you had one," she quipped.
He gave her a look of mock outrage. "Now, Sassy, how dare you imply that you know nothing of my incredible amount of charm. I must now go beyond my A game and woo you in a strictly platonic way that people will believe is something else. I just hope you're up to it."
"Me!?" she exclaimed; "It sounds like you're the one assigning yourself a pretty big job."
He shook his head. "It's all in a day's work."
"You're not still dating Melanie, are you?" she asked, eyeing him warily.
"No!" he exclaimed. "You know I gave up seeing her long ago."
"I wanted to make sure you hadn't had a relapse of stupidity," Johanna remarked.
"No relapse, I'm still on the wagon," Jeff laughed. "I'm sure I'll stay there when you do make it a point to make sure I haven't gone back to my days of looking for any type of distraction that would get me through the night."
"I should hope not…you deserve better than Melanie."
He smiled sadly. "No one is ever going to measure up to Maggie."
"She's been divorced for awhile now," Johanna replied. "Maybe you should give her a call."
Jeff shrugged. "I think about it sometimes…but I figure she doesn't want to come back."
"Don't be so sure about that…it wasn't you who was the problem, Jeff. It was her…she told me that herself."
"Maybe it was both of us…I'm not always the easiest person to live with."
"Who is?" she asked. "We all have those moments…I know there were times when Jim and I annoyed each other."
"Yeah…but you'd give anything to be annoyed by him again."
She nodded. "I would…you don't know how many times I've thought about those moments when we'd annoy each other or I'd think I just want a few hours alone without having to cook a meal or find someone's socks…and I feel so incredibly guilty for those moments…because now he's gone and Katie isn't around much and all I have is time. I always wonder if those moments somehow jinxed me."
"They didn't," Jeff assured her. "That's just human nature, Jo; we all have those moments, wanting some time alone away from the spouse and kids just so we can hear ourselves think. Jim wouldn't want you to feel guilty for being human. He had his own moments and I know you didn't hold it against him."
"No…not unless he was gone too much. But you think about those things when you find yourself alone."
"I know," he said quietly; "All of those what ifs and what might have beens…sometimes they're harder to carry than the silence that fills an empty house."
Tears stung her eyes. "That's true."
He gave her a sad smile. "But we get through it, Sassy. Wherever he is up there, Jim still loves you more than anything and you can take comfort in that. I'm going to take comfort in knowing that he won't strike me down for taking his wife out because he knows I'd never try to take his girl."
She smiled. "I'm sure he'll understand that you're just helping me out."
"I know he will…and maybe I can help you out at work too…let Sharon think you're playing the field. Let me know a day Andrew isn't taking you out and I'll be around to take you to lunch…the shock might lock her jaws and you'll have some peace."
"That could be fun to watch," Johanna said with a laugh. "I'll let you know. I just need to get through the summer…I'm retiring September first."
Jeff's brow rose. "Really?"
Johanna raked her hair back from her face. "Yeah; it feels like it's time. I don't want to do it anymore."
Her friend nodded. "I know the feeling…that's why I'm in the consulting and case building business now. You lose your fire for it after awhile."
"I lost mine a long time ago," she admitted.
"I told you to quit back then," Jeff reminded her. "I knew you didn't want to do it anymore…but you felt like you didn't have a choice."
"Really I didn't…I mean I would've been fine financially but I just didn't have anything else to do. I still don't really except waiting for a position to open up at Columbia but I can be more content now with the extra time than I could've been back then."
"I understand…but I'm also glad you're doing what you want now; what feels right to you. I know Sharon's probably running her mouth to you…probably Mark and Cathy too…but I think you'll find some peace in retirement, Sassy. Once you're away from the job, you don't have to pretend anymore…you can just be you."
"That's what I'm looking forward to," she replied; "Not having to please anyone but me."
"You'll find it very freeing," he told her. "You might even be happier."
Johanna breathed deeply; it would be nice to have that feeling in her life…and she did feel like retirement would bring that to her.
Late that night in his apartment, a glass of whiskey in hand; Jim tossed items into a box. Why waste time waiting for work to be finished when he could pack now, he had reasoned as he tossed and turned, sleep eluding him. Agent Highland's words rang in his ears and even the whiskey wouldn't drown them although he was trying his damndest to drown them out with liquor and memories. But it wasn't working like he had hoped…but then again, it never really did…and yet he was desperate to make the whiskey drown it anyway.
This was all Agent Highland's fault; after all, he had been sleeping reasonably well, dreaming of his wife, of seeing her again, hearing her voice for more than a moment during those times of desperation when he called their home and hung up after she answered and said hello. He had been dreaming of seeing his daughter again…seeing the woman she had become while he was away. She had always wanted to be like her mother and he was sure she had probably succeeded in that goal. He had been reasonably content with his thoughts about his return home…and then that damn agent had to run his mouth…plant seeds of doubt he had no business sewing. How dare Highland suggest that his family wouldn't want him back? Why the hell wouldn't they? Yes, he had been living a lie but he hadn't killed anyone or done anything that was unforgivable in his opinion. Of course they'd want him back he thought as he took a sip of whiskey. They'd be a little upset but he could make them understand…they were his girls; they'd listen…they'd take him back.
Agent Highland had no right to act like he knew the minds and hearts of his wife and daughter. He didn't know them. He didn't know anything about them or their lives together. All they were to him were names on pieces of paper…he didn't know them. Johanna would never just turn her back on him…she loved him…even in their worst moments she had loved him enough to stay, to give him another chance. She loved him…he felt sure that she still did; that time hadn't dimmed their flame. Jim took another swallow of whiskey, feeling the burn as it slid down his throat. He was going to have his life back, he thought as he dumped a few more books into the box he was packing. He was going home…he was going to be with his wife…he was going to fall asleep next to her, breathing in that mixture of her natural scent and her strawberry soap…holding her close, soft and warm…hearing her whisper to him in the dark.
Longing coursed through him, making him drain his glass as need for her heated his blood. He needed to go home; needed to be with his wife in every way possible…needed her to make all of this go away and make him whole again. He'd show that agent; he'd show him that he knew his family better than he did…he'd show him that the love he and Johanna had didn't just fade away into the mist of the past.
Jim stalked across the room and refilled his glass; the only thing that had held him together all these years was the thought of going home to Johanna. What kind of life would there be without her or even the possibility of being with her?
The life he was already living, he thought angrily as he downed his drink in one gulp and threw the glass against the wall; watching it shatter and fall to the floor. He was tired of waiting…it seemed like he was always waiting and he was sick of it. He was going to work day and night to get his work load finished by Friday…because come next Monday, he was going to be in New York…no matter what. He didn't care what was left unfinished in Virginia; he didn't care what Agent Highland had finished on his behalf…he had waited long enough. Virginia could have him for one more week…and then he was going home and never looking back.