A/N: Thanks for your reviews! Sorry for the delay.
Chapter 7
Johanna fiddled with the strap of her purse Tuesday evening as she waited for Jeff to pick her up. Her stomach was in knots and it wasn't necessary, she told herself. This wasn't a real date and Jeff was only her friend, nothing more. He didn't expect anything from her other than companionship tonight; she didn't have to worry. But still she felt awkward and uneasy standing in the home she and her husband had bought together…waiting on another man to pick her up. Irrational tears pricked her eyes and she blinked them back in irritation. She didn't have to do this…but she knew if she didn't she'd never hear the end of it from Katie and that wasn't a pleasant thought either.
She breathed deeply and exhaled slowly, trying to calm her soul. She was sure that her daughter was out there lurking somewhere in the neighborhood waiting to see if she had made up another pretend man and date. This time she would be surprised…and most likely angry when she saw it was Jeff coming to the door. She didn't imagine her daughter would take that any better than the idea of Andrew but maybe that was a good thing. Maybe it would get her off this topic of dating…and teach her not to spy on her. Of course she'd have to listen to her yell about the whole thing but she was prepared for that. After all, she often found herself on the receiving end of one of her daughter's lectures. Johanna frowned as she glanced at herself in the mirror in the entry way; she missed the days when she did the lecturing and Katie did the listening. Somehow along the way she had lost control of things…so many things…and she wondered if she'd ever be able to get it back…she had a feeling she wouldn't.
Another sigh crossed her lips as she smoothed her hand over the silky skirt of her dark blue dress; hoping it didn't look too dressy for the evening. She had worn it to work a few times though…which had to mean it wasn't anything over the top she reasoned. God she hated this; even for a pretend date she had the same anxieties as if it was a real one. She didn't need this stress in her life; she had enough stress as a lawyer…as the mother of a mouthy thirty-two year old cop…she really didn't need fake date stress.
Johanna took another deep breath, coaching herself to breathe slowly as she toyed with her wedding rings. Was it right to wear her wedding rings for an outing that was supposed to look like a date? It was a question she had grappled with all evening but she couldn't find it within herself to pull her rings off her finger…she just couldn't. Taking her rings off, even for a few hours felt like she was letting go in some way and she wasn't. She wouldn't ever let him go…no matter what Katie said. No matter what Sharon, Mark and Cathy said. Never. She still belonged to Jim and she'd go to her grave wearing the ring he had put on her finger the day he had married her. Katie could have her three carat diamond engagement ring when the time came…but the gold band was to remain on her finger. It still pained her that Jim's ring was in the jewelry box upstairs instead of on his finger but his personal effects hadn't been released from the police until after the funeral.
She swallowed hard, remembering the day some well meaning person at the precinct had called to say that her husband's personal belongings were available to be picked up. She had still been in a haze of grief and pain but she had made the trip that day…it had been cold and raining; the sky somber and flat just like she felt inside as she walked in the building and asked for her husband's belongings. She remembered signing her name on the line they pointed to on a piece of paper…of being handed a bag that contained his belongings. She had held it together…bit her tongue to keep from screaming at them to find the person who had taken her husband from her because she knew it wouldn't do any good. She had made her way back out to her car and slipped into the driver's seat, putting her key in the ignition but she didn't start the car…instead she had opened the bag and took out his watch, her thumb brushing across it's face and it's band…remembering how it had looked on his wrist…how Katie had always toyed with it when she was a little girl, reminding him that she had picked it out for him. She had taken out his wallet…thumbing through it; taking stock of the fact that his money was still accounted for and so were his credit cards and bank card. Photos of her and Katie were still in their assigned places; business cards stuck in available slots. His car keys had been in the bag…receipts that had been shoved in his coat pocket along with the small tablet and pen he often carried in case he needed to write something down. Finally she had found his wedding ring…and she had held it tightly as she sobbed while the rain beat against the windshield.
Johanna shook her head, trying to shake off the memory and keep herself from another crying jag. With or without his ring; he was still her husband…they both knew that. She was sure he would've rather had it with him though but there was nothing she could about that. At least she still had her ring on her finger…and Katie wore his watch. They both carried him around with them….but she felt like maybe she carried him closer than Katie did…and maybe that was why there was so much friction between them at times.
She glanced at her watch, wishing Jeff would hurry so they could get this over with…she had too much time to think at the moment and past history indicated that it was never good when she had too much time to dwell on things.
"I can't believe we're doing this again," Castle stated as he and Kate watched her childhood home to see if her mother had a date or not.
"You knew it was going to come to this," Kate remarked. "You know I had to know for sure. I told you that you didn't have to come though."
"I know," he sighed; "But I figured I better just in case something goes down and I have to stop a Beckett women brawl."
She glanced at him. "Mom's more of a slapper than a full out brawler."
"You're probably the full out brawler type though," he remarked.
"Probably…but you also have to factor in that she is my mother and there is still a tiny part of me that…fears her…as difficult as it is to admit."
Castle laughed. "You fear her?"
She nodded. "A little…you know…it's leftover from those teenage days when I used to push and push into she exploded into rage, telling me to get out of her sight before she kicked my ass…and believe me, I never doubted that she could or would if I gave her reason to…and I probably did give her reason to at times and she restrained herself…except for that one time when she slapped me across the face."
"What did you do?"
"Snuck out to a party that I was told I couldn't go to…she had a meeting with a client after hours and Dad was out of town. I was also grounded at the time…but I didn't care. I went to the party…and she found out where the party was, marched into it and dragged me out of it."
"She didn't!"
"Oh she did…I was very embarrassed and angry and we screamed at each other the whole way home. When we got into the house the screaming continued and I told her I hated her and I called her a bitch…that was when she slapped me across the face."
"Wow," he murmured.
"Yeah," Kate sighed; "I deserved that slap…I really did. It was the first time she ever raised a hand to me, with the exception of the very rare swat across the backside when I was a kid…and believe me; I had to really push them for it to come to that. That was the first time she ever hit me like that."
"Did she ever do it again?"
"No…she apologized for it a few days later when I decided to stop giving her the silent treatment. She told me how Grandpa had slapped her when she was a teenager and how she had vowed she'd never do that to her kid…and then she did and I think it hurt her more than it did me. She never did it again…there have probably been times when she's wanted to but she never has."
"Did you forgive her for doing it that time?"
Kate nodded. "Yes…I deserved it…and honestly; I don't think she really meant to do it; I just hit a nerve and she did it out of reflex…she looked as surprised as I did when it happened. I just crossed too many lines that night and she snapped; we had been into it for days. I just wouldn't stop…but I stopped when she slapped me."
"But still…it's not really a good thing for a parent to do it."
"I wasn't an abused child, Castle; so don't act like I was. Yeah, once in a blue moon I got a smack against my ass when I wouldn't behave but so did most kids who grew up when I did…and when you did too for that matter. My parents loved me; they gave me everything I could want…and sometimes I went too far when I was a smartass sixteen year old who thought I knew it all. I went too far that whole week…and like I said; I honestly think it happened before she could stop herself. She apologized and she didn't have to; but she did. She's not a monster so don't sit there thinking she is."
"I'm not…I just don't think she should've done that."
"Are you saying Martha never gave you a smack in your whole childhood?" she asked.
"She did," he said with a nod; "And I didn't think that was right either."
"Well of course not," she laughed; "No one thinks it's right when they're the one getting the smack."
"Well I never did it to Alexis…I don't care how bad she was behaving; not that she behaved badly."
"I find it hard to believe that she came out of the womb a perfectly behaved child," she remarked.
"She's never given me a problem."
"Okay," she said lightly; "Wear those rose colored glasses."
"Just because your mother hit you doesn't mean everyone's parent should do it," he retorted.
"My mother slapped me once, Castle; I was a teenager and if I had wanted to, I could've hauled off and whammed her back but I was too surprised that she had done it. I told you she never did it again. Don't act like she's a child abuser…she couldn't have been a better mother to me. She did everything she could for me…she always arranged her schedule so she wouldn't miss field trips or school plays…she was there for softball games…she took me to my doctor appointments, she drove me to school every day; she picked me up most days. I subjected her to multiple rounds of Barbie dolls, My Little Ponies, tea parties and every other game I had and she never complained. She read to me every night…she never hesitated to comfort nightmares; she sat up with me all night when I was sick…even when I was a teenager. There were so many times when she went to work with no sleep. She put meals on the table every day; she gave me a clean home to grow up in. She helped me do complicated math problems over the phone in the middle of the night when I was having a meltdown about my midterm in college. My first semester at Stanford, she flew to California just to be with me on my birthday and had to take a late flight back so she could be in court here at eleven the next morning. She could've waited to celebrate it when I came home for Thanksgiving a few days later…but she didn't…she flew out there for my birthday…despite her and Dad having a huge fight about it. So don't act like one little incident when I was sixteen makes her a bad mother…because she always gave me her best. She snapped once…and I gave her plenty of reasons to…hell I gave her plenty of reasons to lose it more than once but she didn't. So don't you think badly of her."
"I won't," he murmured.
"You better not," she said; a touch of tartness in her voice. "She could've gone further in her career…she could've been a bigger name in the legal field…but I came first to her. She refused to travel for out of town cases because she wouldn't leave me…and when her first firm downsized and got rid of her; she went to a firm ran by her friends who would let her have more flexible hours so she could be with me as much as possible. She always took off the week between Christmas and New Year's…we always had vacations…when I had my tonsils out, she took off work until I was ready to go back to school. She could've left me with my grandmother…but she stayed home with me like a mother is supposed to…and that wasn't the only time she took off work to stay home with me when I needed her. She could've gone so much further with her career…but I was more important; she chose me over raises and bonuses and bigger, better cases that would've made a name for her… being my mother was more important to her."
"I get it," Castle said; noting the tight grip she had on the steering wheel. She might hold her mother at arms length at times but she didn't hesitate to defend her honor. "She's a good Mom…and you're right; one slip up doesn't change that. I'm sorry if I implied otherwise."
"Don't let it happen again," she remarked quietly.
"I won't," he replied. "I know she had to have been a good mother for you to worry about her the way you do…I know you love her."
"I do," she said firmly.
"I know…that's why you follow her."
"I don't follow her every day…I only follow her when I need to make sure she's safe or to find out what she's up to. It just means I'm a concerned daughter…not that I'm crazy."
"I didn't say you were."
"It felt like you were implying it," Kate remarked.
"I wasn't but maybe I should shut up; my words seem to be saying more than I intended," Castle quipped.
"It might be a good idea," she agreed.
"Okay then," he replied, his gaze drifting to his watch and seeing that they still had fifteen minutes before six o'clock.
He lasted ten minutes before he broke the silence that had settled over the car. "How long are we going to wait?"
Kate glanced at her watch. "It's not even six yet…we'll wait until six-fifteen; if no one's here by then she doesn't have a date…or was stood up."
"Who do you think her date is if there is one?"
"Hopefully not Andrew…because she won't like what I have to say about it. If there is a date; hopefully it's someone boring from work."
"You want your mother to have a boring date?"
"Well I don't want her to have one that ends up in a hotel room," she exclaimed.
"She doesn't need a hotel room…she has a house."
Kate looked at him in horror. "She's not going to bring a man into my father's house…not to do that."
"She could."
"She's not!"
"Maybe you should've given her the rules before you made her date," he said lightly.
"Castle," Kate warned.
"What?" he laughed. "You want her to date but you don't want her to have any fun doing it and you don't want the man in your parents house…so…really, you can't handle her dating anymore than she can."
"I can handle it fine! I just want her to pick someone I don't have to worry about…and no, I don't want her moving someone in; which I don't ever see her doing anyway. She's never even gotten rid of anything Dad owned so I don't think she'd ever do that. Packing his clothes away about did her in…she's not going to let some other man in that house…and I'm okay with that."
"Soo…you want her to date but you don't want her to be in an intimate relationship or the kind of relationship that could lead to living with someone?"
Kate huffed in annoyance. "She just needs someone to take her to dinner, give her some attention…occupy her a little bit. She doesn't need someone to move in…and I don't want to know about her sex life; if she has to have one, she can take that to a hotel room after a proper amount of time of dating. She's not a hotel room on the first date kind of girl."
He laughed. "You really should've given her a list of rules; she might not know she can't have sex in her own house."
"Listen, I heard the lock in her door turn enough to know that's she had plenty of sex in that house," Kate retorted; "But that was with her husband…that's still their house and I don't think she needs to take anyone past the living room."
"She might disagree."
"Yeah; well, maybe we'll discuss that once I'm sure what the hell she's doing," she said in annoyance. "Thank you for putting all of this in my head…I don't get traumatized nearly enough so thank you so much for giving me something to keep me awake tonight."
"Sorry," Castle said as he shook with laughter.
"Next time, you're staying home."
"But I'm having such a good time."
"We're not here for fun; we're here to protect my mother…not for you to torment me."
"What exactly are we protecting her from? The possibility of the hotel room or a man you won't approve of?"
"It was originally a man I won't approve of but now it's both options so once again, thank you so much…and just know that this little outing with you this evening has guaranteed that we won't be sharing a hotel room any time soon."
"We don't need a hotel room…you have an apartment…I have the loft…"
"Those places are on the line right now too," she remarked.
He couldn't help but be amused. "I'd blame your mother for this but you're the one who wanted her to date."
"Castle," she sighed as she shot him an annoyed look.
"There's a car pulling in in front of the house," he said with a nod at the windshield.
Kate's gaze returned to window. "Could be someone visiting one of the neighbors."
"It's a man getting out of the car…and look, he's got flowers…nicely dressed. That's a man arriving for a date," he stated. "He looks harmless though…"
"I can't believe her!" she exclaimed, smacking her hand against the steering wheel as she watched the man make his way up the walk.
"What?" Castle asked. "Is that the uncle?"
"No; but it's just as bad."
"Another uncle?"
"No; that's Jeff!" she yelled as he moved up the steps to the porch. "He's my Godfather!"
Castle cast a quick glance at her. "Is he related by blood or marriage?"
"No; but he's my father's best friend!" she exclaimed; "That's just as bad as dating his brother! Oh my God; I can't believe this."
"Maybe it's just a ruse," he suggested; "She probably knows you're watching so maybe she had him come over to look like they're going out…they'll probably drive somewhere and he'll drop her off and you'll be none the wiser."
"Well we'll just have to see about that," Kate stated; "Because this should not be happening. She keeps picking the wrong men."
"From the sound of it, she feels that way about you."
"Castle; I've got about one nerve left at the moment and you're plucking it."
"That's what people in a relationship do."
"Keep it up and the next thing you have to look forward to in this relationship is me shoving you out of a moving car."
"That's really not on my agenda tonight," he quipped.
"Then you better tone it down," Kate said as she watched Jeff knock on her mother's door.
Johanna flinched at the sound of a knock on the door and she had to take a moment to breathe before she moved to the door and opened it. Jeff smiled as he met her gaze and she returned it with a wobbly smile of her own as she pushed open the screendoor to allow him in.
"How are you doing, Sassy?" Jeff asked as he stepped into the house.
She shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know."
He smiled in understanding and handed her the bouquet of pink Lilies. "For you."
"Thank you; they're beautiful," she said with a small smile. "You didn't have to do that."
"Of course I do," he grinned; "What kind of date would I be if I didn't bring you flowers? I told you I'd be on my A game."
"I'll put them in some water before we go," Johanna replied, heading toward the kitchen; buying herself a few more minutes.
"You okay, Sassy?" Jeff asked as he followed her.
"Yeah…I'm just…you know…it's awkward."
He gently grasped her elbow when she paused at the counter and turned her to face him. "Relax, Jo," he told her softly; "It's me…your friend…you know you're safe with me. Friends can go out for an evening; you know that…there's no reason for you to feel awkward."
"I know…but I can't help it," she replied. "I feel stupid."
He pulled her into his arms for a hug. "You're not stupid…you just love Jim and you're afraid that walking out the door with another man changes that somehow but it doesn't, Jo…and Jim knows that as well as you do. It's going to be alright. It's just me."
"I know," she murmured; allowing herself to sink into the comfort of his hug.
"Do you need to cry for a minute?" he asked her; "Because we can just stand here like this while you have a little cry and then we'll go."
"Maybe just a little," she admitted; hating herself for it but the tears welled in her eyes anyway but she knew he wouldn't hold it against her. Ever since Jim had died, Jeff would always gauge her mood and when he felt she might need to cry, he'd pull her into a hug and tell her to have a little cry; that he didn't mind as long as it made her feel better. She had lost count long ago of the number of times she had cried on him over the years…and yet he had never once treated her any differently than he ever had. He never made her feel like he now deemed her as fragile…or incapable. She couldn't say that about most of her friends, she thought as a few tears escaped her eyes. Even when she had burned herself out at work, he had walked into her hospital room with his signature grin in place and told her she didn't need to go to such drastic measures to secure a vacation…and then he had very gently tried to talk her into giving in to that feeling she carried with her about wanting to quit and leave the law behind. He hadn't succeeded…but they'd had a long talk…and he kept tabs on her while she recovered…dropped by once in awhile to make sure she was still walking the line and not drowning in work again once she had gone back. He looked after her the best he could and she knew it wasn't just because she was his friend…he did it for Jim; because Jim was his best friend and he'd figure that he'd want him to look after.
She took a soft shuddering breath and pulled herself together; she didn't need to be upset tonight. Jeff was their friend…she'd be safe with him. She could relax and not worry about expectations she wouldn't or couldn't live up to; he didn't have any in regard to her other companionship this evening. It would be fine…and she was sure Jim understood why they were going out together tonight. She blinked back the moisture in her eyes, sniffled a little as she pushed back the emotion and then released her friend so she could wipe her eyes.
"All better?" Jeff asked with a smile.
She gave him a small smile of her own. "As much as I can be."
"That's good enough for me," he replied. "Now listen; Katie's out there parked about four houses down. I drove right past her and she didn't realize it because she was looking at her boyfriend…so since she's out there and I'm playing my role for you; when we go out, I'm going to hold your hand. I didn't want you to think I was trying to make this something it isn't. I just want it to look the way you want it to so she'll let you be."
"I understand," she replied.
He grinned at her. "Make sure you smile pretty, Sassy; we want her to think you've been looking forward to this moment all day."
She couldn't help but laugh. "You just think women dream about you all day, don't you?" she teased.
"How can they not?" he quipped; "I mean it is me…even with this being a friends only thing, you know you've been anticipating it all day. Go ahead and try to convince me you haven't."
Johanna smiled; grateful for his easy humor that he always had. "I do appreciate this, Jeff."
"It's no problem; besides; when have you ever known me to turn down a chance to take a beautiful woman to dinner?"
"Never…but your taste has been questionable at times," she replied.
He nodded. "That is true…but hey, no one can say that tonight. Tonight, people will think I shopped in the classy side of the market."
Johanna laughed. "Is that where you're picking up women now, the market?"
"I might've dropped my line in the water to see how it went."
"And how did it go?" she asked.
"Not too good but it might've been a slow day. I don't want to go the online route…you don't really know what you're going to end up with when you go down that road."
"That's true," Johanna said as they left the kitchen and headed back through the house to the entry way.
She grabbed her purse from the stand and gave her makeup one last check in the mirror.
"Are you ready, Sassy?" Jeff asked.
Johanna nodded. "Yeah; I'm ready."
"Do you have your keys? I don't want you to be locked out."
She quickly checked her purse and made sure her keys were accounted for, along with her reading glasses and phone. "I've got everything," she replied.
"Okay," he said with a smile as he opened the door. "Let's go; the city awaits us."
They stepped out onto the porch and Johanna pulled the door shut; making sure it locked it before she allowed Jeff to take her hand as they made their way down the steps. She wondered what Katie was thinking of the scene…was surprised that her phone wasn't going off in her purse because she couldn't imagine that her daughter would think much of this.
"Don't forget to smile," Jeff whispered. "You have to give the audience what they want."
A smile slipped across her lips easily at the humor in his voice. "I can only imagine what she's thinking."
"I'm sure it's priceless," he said lightly as he guided her to the passenger side of his car. He hit the button on the small remote on his key ring to unlock the door before he paused to kiss her cheek. "I almost forgot to tell you that you look very pretty tonight. Of course you always look pretty but I'd be remiss as your faux date if I didn't tell you so."
Johanna laughed softly. "You look nice too."
"I am quite fetching, aren't I?" he quipped.
"Oh yes," she teased; "Especially since you quit accessorizing yourself with bimbos."
Jeff laughed. "What can I say? Sometimes bimbos are easier to find…but for tonight I'm out with a high class lady…so you know, you might ruin my reputation among the bimbo set."
"You can thank me later," she said lightly, giving him a playful swat against his shoulder.
Jeff gave her a warm smile as he opened the car door for her. "Now you're being the Sassy I've always known."
"I do my best," she admitted as she got in his car.
"You're doing just fine," Jeff assured.
Kate had a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel as she watched Jeff walk around to the driver's side of his car. "What the hell was all of that?" she asked.
"I may be going out on a limb here," Castle said; "But I believe it was flirting."
"This can't be happening," she said as she started the car and prepared to follow Johanna.
"Why not? He's not related by blood or marriage."
"He's my Dad's best friend! You don't do that!" she exclaimed. "What is wrong with her!? It's like she's never dated before and has no clue about the rules."
Castle couldn't help but laugh. "Well; I'm guessing her last date with a man who wasn't your father was probably sometime in the seventies so she could be a little rusty on how it works…but from the look of things, she seemed like she was doing alright."
"You don't date your husband's best friend!"
"He's gone though…that kind of takes care of the red tape."
"No, it doesn't," Kate retorted. "You just don't do that…and Jeff should know better. That should go back to that guy code thing; you don't go out with your best friend's wife!"
"They're not having an affair," he replied; "Your father is gone…they're free to have a relationship if they want."
"They shouldn't want it out of loyalty to Dad!"
"Let me ask you something," Castle said as she slowly pulled out and began to follow Jeff's car. "Would your father want your mother to be happy?"
"Of course he'd want her to be happy."
"Then don't you think that he might be okay with it if his friend was the person who could take care of her and make her happy since he can't be here to do it himself?"
"No," she answered.
"No?"
"No. He'd want her to be happy…but…it was also easy for him to become jealous if a man seemed to be paying more attention to her than he thought they should be."
"So you don't think he'd want her to date?"
Kate shrugged. "A part of me doesn't think he would like it but he'd understand why she was doing it…but I definitely think he'd rather strike them both down before letting his best friend move in on his wife."
"I don't see any lightening yet," Castle quipped as he made a show of studying the sky.
"You're not helping."
"How exactly am I supposed to help?"
"By agreeing that this is morally wrong."
"By 'this' do you mean her date or us following her?"
Kate shot him a quick glance. "I'm going to push you out of the car."
"I was just asking," he exclaimed.
"You didn't have to come."
"I know…but it's fun to see this side of you," Castle admitted.
"What exactly is fun about this, Castle?"
"Everything. You kind of give the impression sometimes that you think some people are overly protective of the people they love…and yet when it comes to your mother, you are the exact opposite of what you usually present. It's very unlike you…and I like it."
"How do you figure it's unlike me?"
He shrugged. "Because for the most part you're one of those people who minds their own business and keeps to their own affairs unless a friend asks you to become involved. With your mother, you're the opposite…so this whole thing is a side of you that's not really seen. It's unlike you."
"Technically it's not the opposite seeing as how my mother is my business."
"Yes, but is her love life your business?"
"Yes; especially when she's making bad choices. Believe me she doesn't hesitate to question me about my love life and demand grandchildren."
"Okay; but has she followed you?"
"I don't know," she said sharply; "For all I know she could have. I do know she had you investigated."
"Yes, I know…I'm still shocked that someone would pay money to have me investigated when all they really need is internet access."
Kate scoffed. "Leo is much more thorough than an internet search. He probably told her everything from your divorce settlements, arrest record and down to where you like to buy your socks. She didn't pay for it either. Leo is one of Dad's friends from his school days; he'll investigate anyone Mom wants for free. Hell he's probably done investigated everyone she works with just to make sure she's safe. He took it personally that Dad hadn't contacted him for help with that case. He's always been convinced that he would've found out about the hit on him in time to do something about it."
"Is he that good of a private detective?"
"Leo's one of the top in the business," she replied; "He also has a security side to his business; he's very successful…but for Mom, he works for free on personal inquiries and he works at a discount for her when she needs something looked into for a case. He's always been fond of her…the majority of Dad's friends were. When we were at the funeral, Stanley Carmichael, a senior partner in the firm Dad worked at, came up to Mom and started running his mouth, telling her she better have Dad's office cleaned out by the end of the week and his car off the property. Jeff heard him but before he could get through the crowd of people, Antonio came up and grabbed Stanley by the neck and told him he better get the hell away from her or he'd be the next one they buried."
"Who is Antonio?"
"A friend and colleague of Dad's…well he's also a friend and colleague of Mom's too; she worked with him too when she was still at Roche's firm with Dad. Stanley always hated her, I'm not sure why but he did and he didn't exactly mourn my father's loss. He only saw it as an inconvenient loss of money and time. Stanley didn't want to pay Mom what Dad was owed for his vacation time and personal days and all of that. She fought him for three weeks about it…not because she needed the money, she didn't; she just wanted what was rightfully Dad's…"
"That's understandable," Castle remarked; "Your father was owed for anything he hadn't yet been paid for and as his wife she was entitled to collect it. I understand that she was financially fine but maybe in the haze of grief and realizing what was no longer coming in in comparison with funeral expenses, maybe she was worried she wasn't as stable as she thought money wise."
"I never really thought about it that way," she admitted; "I guess she could've been worried about the loss of Dad's paycheck…I was still in college and they had bills and the funeral was a large expense. The house was paid off and so were the cars but I'm sure she probably was worried and as she said; it was the principal of the matter. She threatened to sue the firm if Stanley didn't give her what Dad was owed; he laughed in her face."
"So what happened?"
"Their friend Zach who also worked at the firm stepped in without Mom knowing. He called Leo and had him investigate Stanley…Leo provided him with some lovely photos of Stanley and his favorite prostitute."
"Seriously!?" Castle exclaimed; his eyes gleaming as the plot thickened.
"Oh yeah; Leo gave Zach the hotel name, room number, where he picked this woman up three nights a week; he had it all. So once he had that, Zach went to Stanley and told him if he didn't pay Mom what Dad was owed, he was going to make sure everyone in the city saw those pictures…including Stanley's wife at the time. Needless to say but Zach stopped by the house that night with the check…every last penny accounted for. Zach told her that Stanley had decided to pay her to be rid of her because he had more important matters to attend to. She doesn't know Zach blackmailed him."
"How do you know about the blackmail?"
"Zach told me later on…he told me not to tell her…he wanted her to feel like she had that victory of winning against him."
"So your Dad's friends are protective of her?"
"Yeah; they are," she said, a note of softness in her tone as memories she tried to keep locked away rolled through her mind. "Jeff and Antonio carried the boxes out when we cleaned out Dad's office. Jeff even offered to drive his car home but I did it…I didn't want to but I did. When the kitchen sink had a problem not long after Dad had died, Andrew was out of town so he called Jeff and he came right over and fixed it. He went with her when she got a new car a few years ago. When she was in the hospital, Jeff and Zach and Antonio; they all came to see her. They all keep in touch with her…they'd do anything for her."
"Then it's no wonder she would choose one of them," Castle replied.
"That doesn't make it right, Castle," she said softly; "They were Dad's friends."
"Maybe that's what appeals to her…they're people he knew, people he respected and liked…and they in turn respected him, knew him…they know your parents history and would respect that. That's probably important to her, that the person she spends time with respects her marriage…and maybe she feels safer with someone your Dad knew and trusted."
"It's still not right though. Jeff was his best friend…they were best friends since law school."
"Okay; then would it be better with one of the others? What about Zach?"
"He's married."
"Antonio?"
"Married."
"Leo?"
"Coming off his second divorce."
"Well then really Jeff is her only choice," Castle replied.
"Or she could choose someone else…like someone with no connection to Dad."
"I don't think she wants to," he remarked; "They're looking for a place to park."
Kate slowed down and started searching for her own parking spot as Castle kept an eye on the car. "They're parked," he stated; seeing Jeff ease his blue Nissan into an available spot.
Kate found a spot on the opposite side of the street and pulled in, making sure they weren't noticeable to her mother. "I wonder which restaurant they're going in," she said as she watched Jeff get out of the car and move around to the passenger side.
Castle watched intently as Jeff opened the passenger door for Johanna. Once she was out of the car, he took her hand and led her toward the door of Carter's; a restaurant known for its more relaxed atmosphere and its mixture of classic New York dishes being served along side simpler country flavored meals. "They went into Carter's," he announced; "Not exactly what one would expect for a dinner date but it's a nice place."
"It's also a place that doesn't require a reservation," Kate remarked; "We'll wait a few minutes and go in."
"Really?"
"Yes; I want to see how cozy they are at dinner."
He sighed a little. "Well, they do serve amazing burgers here on the Americana side of the menu…not Remy's level of fabulous but close enough to make me happy."
"As long as you're happy and having a good time," Kate quipped.
"You better hope we can get a table where they won't see us."
"It would've been helpful if they had gotten the table by the window."
"A couple on a date doesn't want to be a window display…you should know that; we've shunned enough window tables."
"You know why, Castle," she said softly; "I'm just trying to protect us…I don't want you to get kicked out of the precinct because someone with a camera snaps a picture."
"I know," he assured; and while he also didn't want to be dismissed from the precinct; he couldn't help but sometimes hate the way they had to keep things under wraps.
"Don't look," Jeff said a short while later; "But Katie and her boyfriend just slipped in the door, they're heading for a table on the other side of the restaurant."
Johanna rolled her eyes. "For God's sake. I can't believe her."
Jeff chuckled lightly. "Kids. No one warned us about the trouble they'd be."
"They sure as hell didn't," she replied. "Katie jerks me around like a yo-yo."
"Why do you let her do that?"
"I guess because I feel like I don't have a choice," she remarked. "She's been doing this push and pull thing for thirteen years. One minute we're as close as ever, the next she's pushing me away and telling me I'm too needy. One minute she's acting like a daughter, the next she's acting like she's my mother."
Jeff met her gaze. "Well you need to put your foot down about that. You're the mother, not her."
"Yeah; well…it's not that easy."
"Why the hell not?"
"Because if I piss her off too much she'll probably quit speaking to me and then who will I have?" she asked. "She's the only kid I have."
"You give her too much power with that way of thinking," he replied. "You shouldn't let Katie get away with that just because she's your only child. That's why she does these things. She might get pissed off and make herself scarce for a few weeks but she'll come back, Jo."
"Chrissy hasn't gone back to Maggie."
"That's different," he remarked.
"Maybe…but maybe not."
"Jo; Katie treats you like this because you let her…you know it and she knows it. She knows you're afraid of losing her, that she's all you have…and she uses that against you. You can't keep letting that happen, honey; she's already got you out staging fake dates so she'll think you're doing what she wants…if you keep going, she'll pick you out a new husband and have you married off by this time next year."
"Over my dead body," she declared.
"Then you better start taking back some control," Jeff stated.
"It's my fault that she looks at me as a needy person who needs looked after. I floundered for several years after Jim died."
"I know you did…but that's in the past; you're fine now. Floundering was a normal reaction to have...and maybe if you had had better support in those first few months and even years, you wouldn't have floundered quite so much. Katie transferred to NYU to be closer to you and yet moved back out of your house within a matter of weeks. I don't see where Sharon did a damn thing to help comfort you. Mark and Cathy didn't even insist that you take off more time…and you needed more time than you were off when it happened. I tried to help as much as I could but maybe I could've done more too. Maybe everyone could have."
"Everyone has their own lives to live," Johanna replied; "I couldn't just become dependant on everyone. I don't want to be anyone's burden, including Katie's."
"You're not a burden. You're a fully functioning adult who knows her own mind and used to speak it quite a bit…I mean I do recall a time at the firm when you got pissed off at Jim and Antonio and went upstairs and laid into Roche about pretty much every man in the building," he said with a laugh.
She laughed softly. "Yeah; I remember that."
"You've even given me a piece of your mind a time or two," he quipped.
"Sometimes you left me no choice."
"I know. You never hesitated to let people have it when they need it. Do you remember the day we met and Jim thought you were a secretary?"
"I'll never forget it," she replied warmly. "And you thought I was one too even if you didn't say so."
"I know," he laughed; "But what can I say, I'm a man…it was the seventies…."
"Oh yes, you were a victim of your time," Johanna quipped.
"I definitely was," Jeff replied; "I'll never forget the look on Jim's face when he asked you what you were if you weren't a secretary and you told him according to your law degree, you were a lawyer."
She giggled. "That was a Kodak moment."
"It definitely was…he was besotted from the first moment you smiled at him…that's why he stuck his foot in his mouth."
A soft wistful smile graced her lips. "What I wouldn't give to go back in time and have it all again."
Jeff reached for her hand and gave it a soft squeeze. "I know, honey. I miss him every day too."
"I know you do."
"He'd want us to think about the good times though," he told her. "We've got plenty of those, don't we?"
"Yes; a lifetime's worth in some ways…not nearly enough in others."
Jeff's fingertips rubbed against her hand soothingly. "Remember when we all went to Vegas?"
"When you got married?"
"Yeah."
Johanna nodded. "Of course I remember; that's when you and Maggie got married. That was an action packed weekend."
"Sure was," Jeff agreed; "We were all still a little drunk when we rolled into work Monday morning."
She laughed. "I remember being firmly in the hangover stage…and I may have begged Jim to end my misery and just knock me out."
"But he declined of course."
"Yes; after a debate about what the best way would be to do it if he had been inclined to help me…he always liked to debate when he was half buzzed."
Jeff nodded. "I recall a time in your engagement when you two hit a little rough patch and broke up…"
"I didn't want to break up; I just wanted to slow down on the wedding planning," Johanna interrupted.
"I know, Sassy; Jim was the one who jumped the gun and made it a full blown break up; but anyway; me and Maggie found him in a bar drowning his sorrows and we were giving him a ride home when he thought up an epic plot in the backseat to get you to marry him. He told me to take him to your apartment because he was going to get you pregnant."
Amusement lit up her eyes at the memory. "And you dropped him off."
"I figured it was for the best; I knew you'd let him in," he laughed.
"He left himself in with his key; I was in bed."
"That just made it more convenient."
"That's the truth," she said with a soft laugh. "It's good to remember those times…I mean, I remember things like that all the time…but Katie doesn't like me to talk about memories to her…and I try not to do it too much with Elizabeth because I know it hurts her. So sometimes I feel like I have to keep him locked up close to me…because no one wants to listen to my memories."
"I do," Jeff assured as he squeezed her hand. "You can always talk about him with me. Just because he's gone doesn't mean we have to keep him locked away…regardless of what certain people say."
"I don't like keeping him locked away," Johanna said, returning the squeeze of his hand. "Sometimes I just have to talk about him…I don't know why, but I do. I guess if I keep talking about the good things, then I figure I won't think so much about how it ended…because I hate when I think about that…and I have been the last few days."
"How come?" he asked.
The waiter arrived with their food and placed it on the table, giving Johanna time to ponder the question. "I don't really know," she admitted. "I guess because the other day was the anniversary of when we met and when we became a couple. I guess it's also because of this dating kick everyone is on. I guess it all just pushes it forward."
"Push back," Jeff told her. "Push back against the bad stuff. Push back against the people trying to tell you how to live. There's nothing wrong with how you're living your life; you're not hurting anyone. You need to flip that sassy switch again, Jo. It's in there, you let it out once in awhile but you might have to let out more like you used to or you're never going to have any peace."
"I know," she sighed. "I'm just surprised Katie hasn't been ringing my phone during her little patrol she has going on."
Jeff gave her a grin. "She's probably not sure what to make of this yet; she might've thought we parted company once we got inside the restaurant or that we met up with more friends. She probably wants to see if we're behaving like two people on a date so you know, prepare to be dazzled with my A-game, Sassy; because I'm going to make a believer out of her for you."
Johanna laughed and he smiled; noting that it was that pure unrestrained laugh that he used to garner from her…the one that was largely absent the past decade. From the corner of his eye, he saw Katie look over at their table and he met Johanna's gaze. "Pretend I'm saying something wicked to you," he teased; "We've got her attention."
Her eyes lit up and she swatted his wrist playfully. "Wicked, huh?"
"So wicked," he teased; "If you could conjure up a blush it would be helpful."
She laughed. "I'm not sure I can do that; it has to happen on it's on."
"I can't be really saying things that make you blush," he quipped; "Jim might make me choke or something and that would totally ruin the date."
"That would put a damper on things," she agreed; mischief in her eyes.
"Right?! I mean if I kicked it while on a date with you, people might start calling you the black widow…but then again, that might take care of your dating problem," he laughed.
"Jeff Campbell!" she exclaimed, humor lacing her voice.
"At your service," he teased.
She laughed softly; shaking her head at him. "A lot of things have changed in this world…but I'm glad you're not one of them."
He took her hand once more. "Don't you worry, I'll always be me…just promise me you'll start being a little more of the you I know you are."
Johanna met his eye and gave him a smile. "I'll do my best."
"I'm going to hold you to that…and just to make your evening bright, just know that I can see your daughter from the corner of my eye and she's scandalized at all this hand holding."
"Good; I'm glad she's enjoying it," Johanna replied as she picked up her fork.
Jeff gave a short laugh. "I'm not sure enjoying is the right word."
She shrugged. "Okay, we're enjoying it…at her expense."
"That works," he quipped as he too picked up his fork to dive into his meal.
"This is making me sick," Kate muttered as she cast another glance at her mother's table.
"What are you talking about, the food is great here," Castle remarked.
She shot him an unamused look. "I'm not talking about the food; I'm talking about my mother and Jeff. Have you seen all that hand holding?"
He nodded. "Yeah; that could lead to that hotel room thing."
"She's not going to a hotel," she hissed.
"What if she wants to?" he asked; knowing that he enjoyed riling her on this topic way too much.
"I will stop her," Kate said seriously. "If they leave here and head for a hotel; I'm going to be in her face in two seconds flat asking her what the hell is wrong with her."
"You wanted her to be occupied with a relationship."
"Not the hotel kind."
"From what you've told me about Jeff I'm assuming he was as successful as your parents so he's probably got a nice home he could take her to instead of a hotel…and her house since you've declared that off limits without her knowledge."
"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" she asked.
"Immensely," he grinned as he picked up his burger.
"I'm glad you're having fun."
"How can I not; I've never seen you so up in arms about something as you have been the last few days," he laughed. "Your mother brings out a certain side of you…it's fun to watch."
"It's not fun for me. I've got a mother who first picks her brother-in-law and then picks her husband's best friend…he considered him a brother. She's got a problem. I don't think they checked her head enough that time she fell and got the concussion. I think they missed something."
"She could be playacting again; just using an actual person this time. This could all be over after dinner. In fact, I bet he'll take her home after dinner and that will be the end of it."
Kate watched as her mother laughed with Jeff; it could be the way Castle implied…but what if it wasn't? If they didn't head for home after dinner, that would make it a real date…and she really hoped it was just more playacting on her mother's behalf.
"Do you think Katie's still following us?" Jeff asked as he and Johanna strolled down a sidewalk hand in hand as they debated their next stop.
"Probably," she replied; "They did go as far as having dinner at the same place we did."
"Well then let's make it even more interesting for her," he said, releasing her hand so he could slip his arm around her waist. Johanna followed suit, slipping her arm around him as well.
"Now we're all cozy," Jeff quipped, making her laugh softly.
"What if she's not watching?"
Jeff shrugged. "No harm done. There's no law against having your arm around a friend."
"That's true."
"I know you wish it was Jim's arm though," he remarked casually but also with care; "And if I know you like I think do since it has been nearly forty years since the day you sashayed into our orbit; I know you're probably worried about what Jim thinks of this but you don't have to worry. I went out to the cemetery and had a word with my buddy today."
"You did?" she asked; peering up at him.
He nodded. "I did. I went out there and I said 'Jim, listen; I'm taking your wife out tonight…don't kill me, it's not what you think."
"Well you're still breathing so I'm guessing he believes you," she said in amusement.
Jeff chuckled. "He better believe me; I swore an oath to him that this was strictly a friends thing, I wasn't going to touch anything I'm not supposed to touch…"
"I'm kind of sorry I missed that conversation," Johanna laughed.
He grinned. "Hey, I wanted to make sure he knew I'd be on my best behavior. You know how easily he could get worked up into a jealous rage…I mean, I know for a fact that you know it because one of your hobbies as a young twenty-something was working him up into a jealous rage."
"It was not my hobby!" she retorted lightly. "I only did that when I was desperate to make him make a move…besides the ones he had no problem making."
"I know, I was there," Jeff replied; "But still; I wanted to make sure he knew that I still honor the code. I don't want him to think I'm messing with his girl…back in the day he could've just beat the hell out of me or bought a gun and shot me. Now…well who knows what he could do to me from beyond…it would probably be a lot more painful…like a lightening strike…I wouldn't look good electrocuted."
"Most people don't," she commented.
"True; so you see I couldn't leave it to chance. I had to explain in advance…and I told him that you're only doing these little pretend dates so people will mind their own business. I reminded him that your heart still firmly belongs to him."
She nodded; a small sad smile on her lips. "I remind him every day; but I'm glad some people respect that it's still that way for me."
"There's no other way it could be, Sassy. You and Jim were just meant to be…made for each other. Some people might be stupid enough to believe that you can turn that off but I know you can't."
"Because it's how you feel about Maggie," she replied.
Jeff gave her a small sad smile of his own. "Yeah, I guess so. No matter how hard I try, I just can't find someone to make that feeling go away. Maggie did so I don't know why I can't."
"I don't think it went away for Maggie," Johanna remarked; "She just got lost along the way…it was about her, Jeff; not you. I told you; she's told me that herself…and she regrets it."
"Does she?"
"Yes; very much. She not only lost you, she lost her daughter too since Chrissy won't have anything to do with her. She's grateful the boys haven't turned their backs on her…but she misses Chrissy of course…and you."
"Do you think so…I mean…about me?" he asked.
Johanna met his eye, giving his waist a gentle squeeze. "I know so."
"I do try to talk sense into Chrissy," he remarked.
"I know you do…Maggie does too; the boys tell her."
Jeff breathed deeply. "Is she okay out there in the Hamptons by herself?"
"She's lonely," Johanna replied; "That's why she's moving back to the city…haven't the boys told you?"
"Jeffrey mentioned it but I wasn't sure if it was true or not."
"It's true…she's coming home. She's got an apartment but it's being painted and having a little remodeling done before she can move in."
A spark of hope flickered in his eyes. "What about work?"
"Maggie retired the first of this year," she answered. "She's through with the courtroom and she doesn't ever want to teach again."
"So she's not going to be job hunting?"
"No; she's ready to enjoy retirement. I've got her number…you could always give her a call."
Jeff breathed deeply. "She might not want that…I wouldn't want to come between your friendship…you girls didn't talk for awhile as it is because you intervened on the visitation thing with the kids which I'm still very grateful for."
"Maggie and I put that all behind us," Johanna replied; "Besides; why do you think she's coming home, Jeff? It's not just to be closer to the kids…she's hoping to see you."
"You wouldn't be telling me tales, would you, Sassy?"
"No, of course not. I wouldn't lie about that. Call her…or wait until she moves back to the city if you're willing to test the water with her," she remarked. "I know you still love her…and I know she still loves you. Maybe the two of you can have a second chance."
"I can't lie and say that I haven't wished she'd come home…and I can't lie and say I wouldn't like to have her back…but do you know what people would say if we got back together after she had an affair, divorced me and married that idiot and then divorced him too?"
"Me, personally; I'd say congratulations."
"Yeah; I know you would…but think about Phil and Sharon…maybe even Zach and Antonio and whoever else. They'd think I was the world's biggest sucker."
"What matters more to you; Maggie or what people might think of you?" Johanna asked.
"You know it's Maggie…but it's hard for a man to think about people going around calling him a sucker."
"If I hear Sharon Harper calling you a sucker, I vow to punch her for you," she replied; "Does that help."
Jeff laughed. "A little."
She leaned in to him in a show of support and affection. "Listen, just think about it…think about what you want and if you want Maggie, then reach out to her when she moves back and give it a shot. Don't throw away the possibility of a second chance…not everyone gets one," she said softly.
Jeff brushed a soft kiss against her temple. "Sassy, if I could give you a second chance with Jim, I would…if I had been able to, I would've done anything I could to stop what happened. You don't know how many times I've wished I could've done something to save him."
"I know," she murmured. "I know you would've done anything to help him…I just…knowing what I know now, I just can't help but wonder why he didn't hire Leo to do some of the digging. If Leo had been digging, he probably would've heard or found something that would've told him Jim was in danger."
Jeff gave a nod. "I've wondered that myself at times…so does Leo if you want the truth."
Johanna breathed deeply. "I guess there's no point in wondering; there's nothing to be done about it now."
"No, there isn't…but it's human nature to wonder sometimes. We don't want to spoil our evening though thinking about things we can't change," he remarked. "And look where we've ended up."
Johanna glanced at the building they paused in front of and smiled, seeing the plaque on the stone of the building 'Stanford, Myers, Roche and Associates, Attorneys at Law. "Looks like we've found our way home," she remarked.
"It does seem that way. I think it calls for a picture," Jeff said as he pulled his phone from his pocket. "You game?"
"Sure, why not," she replied.
They positioned themselves in front of the plaque so it would be visible behind them; Jeff keeping his arm around her as he took the picture of the two of them. "There we go," he said with a grin as he showed her the picture he had taken; a mini reunion outside the old stomping grounds."
"That's actually a pretty good picture," Johanna replied.
"Well of course it is, we're good looking people; we don't take bad pictures."
"Oh please," she laughed.
"Don't deny it," he quipped. "Where's out next stop? Do you want to get a drink and hear some music?"
Johanna nodded; those feeling of awkwardness had faded and she wasn't in a hurry to get home just yet. "Yeah, I think that sounds nice."
"I just can not even believe this," Kate said as she watched her mother and Jeff look at something on his phone after he had taken a picture of them together.
"Believe what?" Castle asked.
"This!" she exclaimed, gesturing at the people through the windshield. "I can't believe she's on a date with Jeff! I thought maybe the dinner thing was just a put on…but this is like a real date!"
"Yes…it does seem like it," he said carefully. "That's what you wanted though…for her to have a date with someone you didn't have to worry about. You know that man; clearly you grew up with him in your life so I'm assuming you trust him."
"Yeah; I grew up calling him Uncle Jeff. He's my Godfather…he's my Dad's best friend. You just don't start dating your best friend's wife. When you see that you can't help wondering if he's always had a thing for her or something. I mean look at them; they seem awful damn cozy."
"They've known each other a long time," Castle remarked; "It's only natural that she'd be comfortable in his company. You're comfortable in the company of Ryan and Esposito."
"That's different."
"Not really."
"I don't hold hands with Esposito," Kate retorted; "And I don't walk around with my arm around Ryan."
"No; but I have seen you hug them…I may have seen you link arms with one or both of them before."
"It's still different," she insisted. "They're my friends."
"He's her friend," he said, nodding at the couple on the sidewalk who seemed to be in earnest discussion about where to go next as they gestured to various businesses on the opposite side of the street.
"They're acting more than friendly…all that hand holding at dinner, the laughing and the looks…walking along with their arms around each other. She and Dad used to do that. You saw Jeff kiss her."
"That kiss was nowhere near her lips," Castle stated. "He kissed her temple very briefly. They looked like they were having a serious discussion; maybe he kissed her as a show of comfort or support. It wasn't a romantic kiss."
"Just because it isn't on the lips doesn't mean it can't be a romantic gesture. Dad used to do that…and believe me; you could always tell it was done with love."
"Kate, two people can bestow the same gesture on someone and not have it mean the same thing," he replied. "You're looking at everything they're doing as proof that your mother is somehow cheating on your father and that Jeff is cheating his best friend…but they're not. They're not doing anything wrong and we don't have any proof that this outing is anything more than two friends sharing an evening together. Friends do go out together…we've been out together before we decided to change our relationship status."
"I know that…but this is different."
"It's different because it's your mother and you've never seen her with another man in this type of setting. You say you want her to date but when she does go on one, you see it as an act of betrayal against your father."
"Because this is a betrayal in my mind!" she all but yelled. "This is why she said I wouldn't like who she was going out with; she knows I wouldn't approve of this."
"I don't think you're going to approve of anyone," he remarked.
"Yes, I will…as long as it's someone who is not somehow attached to my Dad. She can pick someone from work."
"I don't think she likes those people."
"She can learn."
"I don't think she can…just like it's clear that despite you wanting her to date; you can't handle the actual ideal of her dating. She's on a date tonight and you're livid."
"I'm not livid, I'm disgusted."
"At the moment it kind of seems like the same thing. You can't handle it."
"I can handle it; I just need her to pick someone else."
"Kate," he said lightly; "The other day when it was possible she had a date; she gave you a name and you ran it through every database possible…that's not a sign of a woman who can handle her widowed mother dating."
Kate glared at him. "I don't recall asking your opinion."
"When have I ever waited to be asked?" he quipped.
She nodded. "I'll give you that one…but still…I didn't ask."
"It's been noted…and the point still stands; you can't handle it…and let's think about this for a moment; your mother said you wouldn't like who her date was with tonight, right?"
"Yes; you know she did; you were there."
"Okay…and she said her date was Tuesday."
"Yes…and this is Tuesday," Kate remarked; "And she's on a date."
"I know…but is it possible that she chose this specific man because she knows you wouldn't approve?" he asked. "Is it possible she chose Tuesday for the outing because it gave her time to arrange it?"
"Castle, my mother is sixty-one; not sixteen. I think she's probably done all her rebelling in the past."
"Don't be so sure," he remarked; "She's been adamant that she doesn't want to date…and then she turns around and says she will to appease you…so…being an intelligent woman, she might figure that if she goes out with men you don't approve of, you might change your mind about wanting her to date and therefore get off her back."
Kate breathed deeply. "I would consider that possibility more seriously if she and Jeff didn't seem so cozy together," she said as the people in question crossed the street and headed for a small seventies themed nightclub.
"Then I guess you'll just have to talk to her about it."
"Oh believe me, I intend to…tomorrow night at dinner with Grandma."
He grinned. "Sounds like fun; am I going?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"You're not ready for Elizabeth Beckett," Kate replied.
"I think I can handle a little old lady."
She scoffed. "She may be old but she isn't one to be 'handled', Castle. My grandmother is a force of nature all of her own. Besides; I haven't visited in awhile so I'll have to go through the standard, you ungrateful brat lecture from her and you'd enjoy that too much…and then when I bring up this dating thing, inevitably a fight is going to break out so, yeah; I don't think you're ready for the Beckett women dinner party…it sometimes gets a little rowdy and out of control."
He glanced at her. "See, when you say that, it only makes me want it more."
"Next time, Castle. I'll take you next time…I promise to come over afterwards and give you the play by play."
"Alright but it's not the same."
She laughed softly. "I'll take you next time; I promise…and you'll most likely regret it so don't say I didn't warn you."
"I'm not afraid," he replied. "Are we going into the club to see what they're doing in there or what?"
Kate shook her head. "I don't think so. I've already seen enough…I just hope she isn't going to drink a lot in there."
"I'm sure she'll be fine…but if we're off surveillance duty, let's go see a movie so we can say we did something other than spying on people."
"Good idea," she said with a sigh; her mind jumbled with thoughts she didn't really want to dwell on.
Johanna felt restless that night as she untied her robe and dropped it at the foot of the bed; smoothing a hand over the soft material of her nightgown to straighten it before she climbed into bed; feeling like it was going to be one of those nights when she didn't get much sleep. She wasn't used to going out anymore. Her nightlife primarily consisted of four evenings a week with Elizabeth; coming home around nine or a little after, doing some minor housework or some paperwork…getting ready for bed and watching television until she fell asleep. When she wasn't with Elizabeth; she spent her evenings at home. Being out all evening in the city was foreign to her now, she thought as she picked up the remote and began to flip channels. Her nights on the town had ended when she lost Jim. Johanna breathed deeply; feeling those raw edges of grief. The last time she and Jim had gone out was a few days after New Year's 1999. They had gone out to dinner to celebrate her first win of the New Year and then they had gone to a little club for a drink and to listen to a band. She closed her eyes, remembering the sounds of the club…of the band that had been covering hits of the 70s…how they had swayed slowly to the music, his arms strong and warm around her, his scent enveloping her. They hadn't gotten home until one that morning…and they hadn't gone to sleep until close to five.
She swallowed hard; it was still difficult to think about that night…their last date…their last dance…their last celebration of a case being won. She hadn't been on a date since that night…and having dinner tonight with another man, although strictly platonic, had felt like a betrayal. It had felt like an even bigger betrayal when she had found herself enjoying the evening. It wasn't supposed to be that way exactly…she hadn't intended to be miserable; after all, Jeff had been doing her a favor and she didn't want to be poor company…but she hadn't expected to enjoy it so much either. Jeff was her friend, nothing more, there was no doubt about that…but still she shouldn't have enjoyed it as much as she did.
It made her feel like some sort of cheater and she couldn't stand that feeling. Her heart still belonged to her husband and she had no business enjoying an evening out with another man. She had been flipping channels without much attention to it, landing on a channel that played music from a certain decade. Carol King's 'So Far Away' was playing…a fitting song for her aching soul she couldn't help but think.
"Holding you again could only do me good; oh how I wish I could but you're so far away"
Tears filled Johanna's eyes as the lyric hit her deep in her heart as she reached for the picture of Jim on the nightstand. "I didn't mean to enjoy tonight," she whispered to her husband's image. "I swear it didn't mean anything. I guess it's just been so long since I've gone out that I had forgotten what it was like. It didn't mean anything though…you know I'd never betray you…not with anyone but especially not with your best friend. I just forgot what it was like to go out and have a nice time with a friend. You know I don't get many invitations anymore…not like I used to long ago. People look at me now and label me as a drunk because I had a few slipups…and when they're not pinning that label on me, I'm sure it's one equally terrible…like being a fragile widow. I don't even get invited to all of the law firm parties…not since that incident where I fell and hit my head. The ones I am invited to I get watched like a hawk…like I'm on the verge of doing something stupid. It doesn't exactly put you in a party mood. I mainly only go to the anniversary party…but I don't stay long. I haven't felt welcome in a lot of places since you've been gone. Everyone looks at me differently…I guess it's my fault…but I don't know how to be the person I used to be…not without you. You've been a part of me for so long that when you were gone…I just didn't know what to do. I feel like I do all the same things I've always done…I'm just not exactly the same person I was…because you took part of me with you. I didn't have anything to hold on to…my mother was gone…Katie wanted to push me away as fast as she could…my siblings tried to comfort me but they have their own lives and I couldn't become dependent on them. Sharon…well, you know how she is; she thinks she has all the answers and if you just do things her way you'll be fine but that's not true at all; Maggie was out in the Hamptons and we hadn't been speaking…she came to the funeral though…we talked and we patched things up but she's still living out there in the Hamptons…for now anyway; she's supposed to be coming home so hopefully by the time I'm retired, Maggie will be home and maybe that will help because we have a list of things we want to do; like yoga classes and shopping trips…things like that. It'll be good to have her back around; she was always better at a lot of the friend things than Sharon ever has been…but you know me and my misguided loyalty," she sniffled as she wiped away a few tears the lingered on her cheeks. "No one lives up to you though…you were my very best friend…the person I always had the most fun with…the person who always knew what I needed and what to do and when to just listen when I needed to yell…and when to hold me when I needed to cry…and when I needed to fight, you gave me one. No one's done those things for me since you've been gone…maybe that's why I spiraled so much…I had gotten so used to you picking up my pieces that I didn't know how to pick them up myself anymore."
A few more tears slipped down her cheeks; she had felt utterly alone in the world in those first months without Jim…she still felt alone in a lot of ways but especially back then. Katie had pushed her away; her family expected her to carry on as always…friends hadn't been helpful…Elizabeth had been drowning in her own grief. She had lost her way for awhile; unsure of where to turn to and in the end the only person she had truly been able to count on had been herself. She had to make herself try harder back then; had to make herself stop doing things that weren't doing her any good in her quest to fill the hole in her life. She knew how to take care of herself…she had always known…but after knowing and being with Jim for a total of twenty-five years in one way or another; she had been used to letting him take the reins at times.
A change in the song on the TV caught her attention, the opening cords of the Eagles Best of My Love filling the room; slicing into her heart as the tears welled up again, blurring her vision as she looked down at Jim's picture. "There it is," she whispered; "Our song…and you're not here to kiss me during it like you always did when we heard this song. I couldn't bear to hear it for a long time…it still hurts to hear it but I don't turn the station anymore. Tonight I want to…because tonight it hurts even more than usual…but I'm not going to turn it."
Johanna closed her eyes, allowing a hundred different memories to sweep across her mind as she wished she could slip back in time and have those moments all over again. What she wouldn't give to go back in time…to go back to the times when she had been happy and loved…when she had felt safe and secure. If only she could go back in time and stop Jim from taking that case…if she had just found a way to convince Jim that he didn't need to be a senior partner. He could've started his own firm…she could've joined him…God, why hadn't they ever thought of that? The thought of that missed opportunity made her heart clench a little; it might've been a solution but she hadn't thought of it back then…hadn't fully known what he had been working on. The ache in her soul increased and she forced her hand not to push the button on the remote to change the channel; forcing herself to listen to every single note of their song.
The cordless phone on the nightstand rang, startling her and pulling her from her thoughts as she swiped at her cheeks and snatched the phone from its base. "Hello?" she answered; hating that her voice was still scratchy with the sound of tears.
Silence filled the line, making irritation kick in her veins at being disturbed in the midst of her memories and mourning. "Hello?" she said more sharply. No answer…but she heard the soft intake of a breath. "Whoever this is, you need to get a new hobby," she stated angrily before clicking off the phone. These calls happened once in awhile…usually around this time of night; the caller never said anything. A glance at the Caller ID showed that as usual the number had been blocked…which she would've known if she ever paid any attention to the damn thing. She breathed deeply; wondering not for the first time who the caller was. Was it some so called well meaning friend calling to make sure she was home and not in bar getting drunk? Sometimes she even wondered if it wasn't Katie calling to make sure she was at home. The calls used to unnerve her but they happened so infrequently that eventually she realized they weren't anything to worry about.
Johanna put the phone back on its base and returned her gaze to her husband's image. "I guess I better find some sitcom to watch and go to sleep," she told him. "I've got meetings in the morning…a court appearance in the afternoon…nosy colleagues to put up with…and then after work I'll go make dinner for Liz…see if Katie shows up like she claims she will and most likely listen to her yell since she didn't call to yell tonight. I hope you understand about tonight…I really didn't mean to have a nice time and it still didn't mean anything. I love you," she told him before placing his picture back on the nightstand and clicking off the lamp. She sighed deeply; finding the remote as it laid beside her and turning on an old rerun of the Golden Girls hoping that it would help ease her mind and allow her to drift off to sleep.
Frustration gnawed at Jim as he stared out the window in his bedroom. She had been crying. He had given into the need to hear her voice…had blocked his number and called the landline as he did every so often when he just needed to hear a syllable of her voice…needed to make sure a man didn't answer…needed to know that she hadn't disconnected the landline and he still had a small link to her. He took a swallow of whiskey; tonight Johanna was crying…and he wasn't there…he didn't know why or what had hurt her and it made him angry inside. She needed him; he felt it clear down in his bones; she needed him. When he had placed the call, he had been ready to call it a night with his work but not now…a few more hours and then he'd go to bed. He couldn't ignore that sense of urgency to finish up his workload and get home. He needed to get there…needed to know why she was crying…needed to hold her and comfort her…needed to fix everything that was wrong.
He glanced at the framed wallet sized photo that sat on his nightstand…the family photo from when Katie had been five that he managed to slip into his pocket before he left New York. "Soon, sweetheart," he murmured to it. "I just have to get things wrapped up here and I'll be home…I'll fix everything…I promise. I'm coming home...this time next week I'll be there…I promise."
A/N: Beckett women family dinner in the next chapter!