A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 10
Johanna stifled a yawn early Monday morning as she stood in front of her closet and looked over her wardrobe while still clad in her soft black robe and silky peach colored nightgown. She hated Mondays; she always had…it was always so hard to get going on a Monday morning…especially when she hadn't slept well the night before. Johanna scrubbed a hand over her face, trying to shake off the still sleepy feeling and then rubbed her neck which ached from falling asleep in the chair for awhile when she had gotten up in the middle of the night. She frowned a little; her dreams had been odd and bothersome; nothing that she could make sense of but Jim had been in them. Usually that was a comfort but for some reason the dream hadn't brought her comfort…which meant that she had probably woken up before she relieved his death in the vivid detail her nightmares always gave her.
She sighed softly and glanced at the picture of the two of them on the dresser. "You're supposed to bring me sweet dreams," she murmured before giving her attention back to her closet. Of course her dreams hadn't been the only thing bothering her; Katie had shown up for dinner at Elizabeth's the night before…she had stayed the whole time and had even played some game with Gabby on the phone…but something had been off with her daughter. Elizabeth hadn't seemed to pick up on it but she had…but she had kept from saying anything. Things had been off balance between them and she wasn't sure her daughter would want her pushing for explanations of minor hints of something being wrong. She wasn't sure if it stemmed from Katie seeing her out with Jeff or if her daughter had some other problem but she thought maybe it would be best to wait it out and see if she brought it up on her own.
Johanna pushed aside a few hangers in the closet, her gaze catching on the pair of her husband's shoes that still rested on the closet floor among her numerous pairs of heels. Her heart stung as it always did when she seemed to notice them more than usual…and she knew that she probably should've put them in the box with the rest…but she hadn't been able to stand the idea of opening the closet and not seeing anything that belonged to him…so a pair of his shoes remained…and one of his suits hung in the back of the closet, just out of sight most of the time but she knew it was there and it was enough. A soft knock on her bedroom door broke into her thoughts and she shook away the cobwebs that seemed determined to clutter her mind that morning. She glanced at the clock; it wasn't like Gabby to be up at 5:30 in the morning. She hurried to the door, figuring that her niece must be sick but when she pulled the door open she found her daughter on the other side. "Katie," she said softly; her brow furrowing in concern. "What are you doing here so early?"
Kate shrugged. "I didn't go grocery shopping this weekend…I don't have breakfast food."
She smiled softly. "I'll make breakfast for you, sweetheart; I just have to finish getting ready for work first."
Kate shifted on her feet. "Can we talk while you get ready?"
Johanna nodded. "Of course; come in."
Kate slipped into the room and closed the door softly before moving to sit on the foot of the bed that she was sure her mother had made before cracking open her closet door to decide what to wear for the day.
"What's wrong, Katie?" she asked. "You seemed off all through dinner last night but I wasn't sure if I should ask or not. Is it about seeing me out with Jeff?"
"No," her daughter replied; "It's not about that…I mean I still don't like you going out with him but it isn't that."
"It's not what you think it is," Johanna told her. "It's just been dinner and a lunch; nothing more…I promise."
Kate nodded; wishing she felt up to digging deeper into the statement that it wasn't what she thought but she had her own problems…which is why she had came; needing to lay it at her mother's feet for help to sort it out.
"If it's not me, what is it?" her mother asked; her gaze on the clothes in the closet.
"It's kind of awkward," Kate admitted.
Johanna reached into the closet and pulled out a navy blue silk blouse, laying it over the back of the chair. "How is it awkward?"
"It's awkward because it's not something I'd normally share but you kind of need to know about it for context of what the problem is," she said, cringing slightly as she said the words.
Johanna sighed a little as she pulled a charcoal grey skirt from the closet. "Is this about sex?"
"Kind of."
She closed her eyes; this wasn't exactly the topic of conversation you wanted to have with your daughter at 5:30 in the morning but it seemed to be the way the day was going to go, Johanna thought to herself. "Kind of?"
"It's more like the fact that it happened…" Kate said cautiously.
"So what you're saying is that your relationship moved to the next level?"
"Yeah…."
"That's good isn't it?" Johanna asked.
"I thought it was."
Johanna glanced at her. "Did it not go well?"
Kate shook her head. "It's nothing like that."
"So…it was a nice evening?" she asked; cringing a little as she didn't exactly want the details.
"Yeah; it was a great evening," Kate replied; and it had been…she and Castle had enjoyed their night out Saturday and they had gotten a bottle of wine and had gone back to her place…and while they had been moving slow and she had been hesitant over the last few things to move faster; she had given in to the urge for more…and it had been amazing…and yet here she was, full of worry and problems.
"Honey, so far I'm not hearing a problem," her mother said.
"It's not the fact that we finally went there…it's what was said afterwards," she finally confessed.
Johanna's brow rose. "He didn't give you a critique, did he?"
"No!"
"He didn't suggest something that made you uncomfortable?"
"No!"
"Don't tell me you gave him a critique," Johanna said as she slipped out of her robe and pulled her skirt on under her nightgown. "Men don't like reviews afterwards unless it's high praise like 'mind blowing' and 'best ever'. I learned that the hard way."
"No, I didn't give him a review! And if I had it wouldn't have been a bad one," Kate remarked; "And what do you mean you learned that the hard way; who did you critique?"
"You don't want to hear that story, Katie," Johanna replied while zipping up her skirt.
"I think maybe I do…who did you critique…was it Dad?"
"No! God, no," she exclaimed in a hushed voice. "We never had any problems in that area."
"Then who?" Kate asked; knowing that she was stalling but the comment had piqued her interest.
Johanna sighed deeply. "The guy I was dating my senior year…remember when we had our little sex talk and I told you that if you're going to take that step it should be for the right reasons?"
"Yeah; you said that you didn't have the right reason the first time."
"That's right, I didn't…I did it to prove I wasn't a kid anymore; but anyway…I had been misled about how great it would be the first time and I was severely disappointed…so when he asked me if I wanted to do it again, I told him no; that I didn't like it and that I thought maybe we did it wrong."
Kate laughed but quickly quieted her voice so they wouldn't wake Gabby. "You told him that!?"
"Yes!" she exclaimed. "No one had told me that it would hurt the first time…and honestly; I still think he did it wrong somehow because it was just really lousy…it pretty much put me off the idea. College gave the idea back but I still wasn't a huge fan of it…and I found out that was because it wasn't happening with the right man. When I found the right man, then I enjoyed it."
"Really?"
Johanna nodded. "That's just how it is for some people. I'm not saying it has to be that way for you; you can enjoy it in any relationship but I didn't really have a good relationship until I met your father…he's the one who taught me how it should be…and that made all the difference."
"I think I understand," Kate murmured.
"I'm sure you probably do…but what was said that has you upset?"
"He said he loved me."
"Okay," Johanna said slowly; "That's a good thing, isn't it?"
"Of course…and I said it back to him," Kate replied; recalling that cozy moment tangled up with him when she had allowed the words to slip across her lips…the look on his face as he smiled and kissed her tenderly and then the overwhelming wave of passion that had followed.
"You meant it, don't you?" her mother asked. "You do love him…you've told me before that you do but that hasn't changed, has it?"
"No, it hasn't changed…I do love him…more than I loved any other man I've been involved with."
Johanna turned her back to her, slipping out of her nightgown and pulling on her blouse, taking her time buttoning it as she chose her words carefully. "If you love him and he loves you and you had a nice evening that naturally progressed your relationship to the next level, then what's the problem?" she asked as she turned back around.
Anguish flicked across her daughter's face, leading Johanna to cross the room and sit down next to her on the bed. "Just tell me, Katie," she said softly; brushing back a lock of her daughter's hair. "You know you can tell me anything."
Kate breathed deeply. "Do you remember when I was recovering and I told you what Castle said to me when I was laying on the ground?"
"Yes; he told you that he loved you…and you told him you didn't remember anything about the shooting."
She nodded. "I just couldn't tell him that I remembered back then…I was a mess…"
"I know," Johanna soothed as she took her hand. "You were in a bad place and you weren't ready…and that's okay, Katie. I told you that before."
"I know…I wasn't ready…and part of me was scared that he had only said it because he thought I was going to die…so I lied to him."
"Yes…but you were in self-preservation mode, Katie. You weren't in the right frame of mind for dealing with that statement…even though you do love him in return and you loved him then. You just weren't ready and it's okay."
"It felt like the right thing to do," she murmured; "But I've never told him and then Saturday night he said it to me again and I said it back and everything was great until I woke up around dawn…thinking about how I had been lying to him for over a year about that day…and I could've told him when we had our talk several weeks ago and decided that we couldn't stay just friends anymore…that we wanted more…but I didn't tell him…and I thought maybe it was best just to forget it and if he ever said it again, let that be the one that counted."
"I see…create the better memory of the first time you heard him say the words."
"Yeah; and I had that Saturday night…but then my brain had to remind me that I'm a terrible person."
"Katie, you're not a terrible person," Johanna soothed.
"How can you say that?" she asked as tears filled her eyes. "You always told me the truth was the most important thing."
"I know," her mother replied; "But sometimes there are exceptions…and Katie; I never blamed you for telling that lie when you did…because you weren't ready to deal with it. You were hurt, you were in pain…you had a million things to deal with and you just weren't ready. You and Rick got to the point where you are ready and you have this new relationship…you've both said the words now and it's a good memory…a much better one than you had before."
"But I still think about how I lied," she cried; "And thinking about it while he was asleep…it got to me…and it made things awkward yesterday…and I kind of distanced myself…and I used you as my excuse; telling him I had promised to come over yesterday and that after we did some things we'd be having dinner with Grandma…and I know, I did show up for dinner…but other than that I just kind of wandered around feeling like a terrible person."
Johanna squeezed her hand. "You're not terrible; you're human. We all keep secrets, Katie. We all have moments when we tell a lie because we think it'll be better that way; that it gives us some control over what's going to happen and when. In your case it did work out that way in some respects; but honey, if it's going to upset you and bother you, then you need to tell Rick the truth."
"I'm afraid to tell him," she admitted. "What if he leaves me? What if it makes him hate me?"
"He's not going to hate you, Katie. He might get upset…he might even need some space for a few days but he'll come back…he always does," Johanna told her with a reassuring smile.
"What if he doesn't?"
"Then it wasn't meant to be," Johanna said gently; "And if he can't handle that you just weren't ready during that period of time…if he can't forgive and understand knowing that in the end he got what he wanted; then maybe it's better to know before you go any further."
"I don't want to lose him," she murmured.
"I don't really think you will," her mother replied; "I think you've been through too much together to let it go over this. I think he might get angry but he'll come back…but you're going to have to do it, Katie; or it's going to eat at you until it comes out the wrong way."
Kate wiped her eyes. "Did you ever lie to Dad about something important and then ended up having to tell him?"
"Yes," Johanna replied with a nod. "When we were dating, we went out with friends one night and stupid jokes were made about us acting like a married couple. I was stupid enough to play along and your father got uptight about it and thought I was pushing for a ring when we'd only been together for a couple months. We had a fight and broke up for a little over a week and then we got back together…"
"I'm not hearing a lie," her daughter stated.
"I'm getting to it. I guess you could say that our making up for the week after we got back together was…overly zealous and lacking in the area of being careful. A few weeks later I wasn't feeling too well and realized I was late…and that it was very possible that I was pregnant."
Kate's brow rose. "You didn't tell him?"
"No…I was afraid to tell him considering that we broke up over a stupid joke in a bar. I figured if he had already thought we were moving too fast, that the idea that I might be pregnant would probably really send him over the edge. I just told him I had a touch of a bug and not to worry. He was suspicious of me though…I snuck away from work for doctor appointments and I was distant in some ways. Finally, the day after I had gotten the results saying that I wasn't pregnant, he came over and confronted me, demanding to know what was going on with me. I had no choice but to tell him."
"How did he take it?"
"He got mad that I didn't tell him…he was furious with me…and he left. I was sure it was over…but he came back a few days later and we had a long talk. We got through it...and he told me that night that one day we'd have a baby together…and here you are," Johanna said, kissing her daughter's forehead; "So see, it worked out alright in the end."
"Do you think it'll work out for me?" Kate asked.
Johanna smiled and patted her leg before rising from her place beside her. "I'm pretty sure it will."
"I hope you're right."
"I usually am, you should know that by now," her mother said lightly as she moved to the vanity to put her makeup on.
"I do…and sometimes I hate it."
"That's what makes it fun for me," Johanna replied as she settled down on the bench seat at her vanity and reached for her mascara.
"He's going to wonder why I was distant yesterday," Kate stated.
"Well, you can tell him part of the truth; you moved the relationship to the next level and you got scared…because I think that is what part of your issue is this morning," she remarked. "Are you willing to admit it?"
Kate breathed deeply as she raked her fingers through her hair. "Yeah; I guess so…I guess it did scare me in a way after it was over. We had been going slow…being cautious…"
"And then you jumped to the next step," Johanna said, filling in the blank. "There's nothing wrong with that, Katie. I admit I'm not exactly sure how long you've been in your careful dating phase with him but I feel certain it's been long enough that it's not considered rushing."
"I know…it's been about a month. I'm just always afraid of blowing it…and with this lie hanging over my head I feel sure that I will when I tell him."
"Katie, he may get mad but I don't think it'll be a deal breaker. I don't know him as well as you do but I think you might have to give him the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure. I'm not saying you have to run out and tell him today…you can take a few days to work it out in your mind before you lay it out. Just try not to think the worst case scenario."
"That's hard to do, Mom."
Johanna nodded. "I know; thinking about the worst possible scenario first seems to be a family trait."
Kate sighed and laid back on the bed; staring up at the ceiling as she wished for a few moments that she could just hide out here in her childhood home for a little while instead of facing the day once breakfast was over. "What are we having for breakfast?" she asked; desperate to keep conversation going.
"What do you want?" Johanna asked as she carefully applied her eye shadow.
"Waffles," her daughter replied. "I just think I need waffles in my life today."
"Then we'll have waffles," she told her. "Scrambled eggs with it?"
"Yeah…do you have bacon?" Kate asked; cautiously.
Johanna's fingers paused for a split second as she reached for her lipstick. "You know I don't," she said softly.
Kate breathed deeply and forced herself to sit up; bacon had been her father's favorite breakfast food…and he liked to have it every day but the queen of the house as he called his wife, wouldn't allow bacon every day in effort to keep him healthy. There had been a pack of bacon in the refrigerator when he died…and it had laid there until it had to be thrown out because her mother just couldn't bring herself to use it. "It's the one thing I've never understood, Mom," she said softly.
"What?"
"Why you stopped eating bacon when Dad died."
Johanna sighed softly. "I don't know…I just couldn't. It was his favorite…and we always had that little battle about him not eating it every day…not that it was really a battle, you know what I mean."
She nodded. "Yeah; he teased you about it."
A small smile touched her lips. "He did…and it's just not right without him. That morning…" she said, trailing off for a moment as she recalled that last 'what do you want for breakfast' conversation she'd had with her husband. "That morning…I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted to eat light…and his version of light was that breakfast BLT had spotted a recipe for in one of my magazines I had left open on the table a few weeks before; it was basically a BLT with the addition of an egg added in but he liked it…and that's what I made for him that morning. I never made that sandwich again…and I've just never been able to bring myself to cook bacon again. I know it's crazy but I can't help it…it just takes me back there."
"I get it," Kate murmured; "I can't listen to that song that was on radio when we got home that night…I don't know why I remember what was on the radio in the car but I do…and it seemed so wrong for it be that song…to still have the notes of 'How Do I Live' in our brains when we got out of the car to find Raglan waiting on us. It's an old song now so it doesn't get played much anymore…but back then, it was everywhere and I just couldn't stand to hear it."
"Me neither," Johanna murmured. "We never went back to that restaurant either."
The air in the room felt suddenly felt heavy as Kate glanced at the picture of her parents on the nightstand. "I haven't been to a baseball game since the last one I went to with Dad."
"I know…I haven't been anywhere that requires reservations since the last time your father took me out for an evening."
"Does that mean Jeff isn't going to take you some place that requires reservations?" Kate couldn't help but ask.
Johanna laid down her compact and turned to face her daughter. "Katie; Jeff and I only went out as friends; there was never anything romantic about it."
"There was a lot of hand holding."
"That's because we knew you were watching," Johanna replied. "I told you; it's not what you think."
"You could change your mind."
She shook her head. "Never going to happen. I'm one of those old fashioned women who can only belong to one man…and he's gone. I know you want me to move on but I can't…not in that way, Katie."
"I told you that you didn't have to date if you don't want to," Kate reminded her.
"I know and I was very glad to hear you say it," Johanna replied while spraying on her perfume. "I just can't do what everyone wants, Katie. I know he's gone but he's still my husband and I can't change how I feel."
"I know."
Johanna finished her makeup. "I guess I've kind of broken my word to you about not discussing your father…we seem to have brought him up a lot this morning."
"It's okay," she said softly; "It's hard to avoid."
"I've been trying though," her mother admitted as she went back to the closet to pull out her matching charcoal grey blazer.
"I shouldn't have said what I said about talking about him," Kate replied.
"You have every right to say you don't want to talk about him," Johanna told her. "I know I probably talk about him too much…but it keeps him close to me…but I have other people I can talk to about him when I need to."
"I don't want us not to talk about him at all," she remarked; "We can't go through life like that, Mom. He's too much a part of us. I just…I worry about you sometimes…and I want you to be happy."
"Give me grandchildren; I'll be happy."
Kate gave her a small smile as she gave a shake of her head. "I'll put it on my to-do list."
"Please do; I'm still young enough to chase toddlers so let's get the show on the road."
"I'll see what I can do," she said, watching as he mother picked out a pair of open toed shoes heels that matched her skirt and blazer.
"That's all I ask…well, that and one other thing."
"What?" Kate asked.
"For the sake of my peace of mind, don't let this worry about things with Rick distract you at work, okay?" Johanna said as she moved toward her.
"I promise," her daughter replied as she rose from the bed and stepped closer to her, arms open.
Johanna's brow rose. "Early morning visit, breakfast and hugs all in one day?"
Kate smirked at her. "Yes; I need them all from you right now…so you know, do your job."
She laughed softly as she pulled her daughter into her arms for a tight hug. "I love you."
"I love you too," Kate murmured.
"Don't worry, it'll be okay…just think happy thoughts."
"I thought those were for nightmares."
"Not all nightmares happen with your eyes closed," Johanna replied; "Sometimes you need happy thoughts during the day with your eyes wide open."
"Yeah, I guess that's true," Kate remarked as she held on to her mother for a moment longer and then released her.
"It is," Johanna confirmed. "Go on downstairs and turn on the coffeepot; I have to wake Gabby and get her moving so she can get ready while breakfast is cooking."
"Mom?"
"What?"
"Do you forgive me?" she asked quietly.
"For what?"
"Everything the last few weeks…trying to force you to do things you didn't want…following you…taking Sharon's word instead of just asking you about things."
"I always forgive you, Katie; I told you that."
"I know…but I needed to be sure."
Johanna smiled; knowing that her daughter needed to know that at least one person in her world forgave her for her missteps. "I forgive you, Katie. Don't worry about it; things like that happen between mothers and daughters. Go on now; we need to get breakfast under way or we'll all be late."
A small amount of weight lifted from Kate's shoulders as they left the room; she just hoped Castle forgave her so easily.
Jim stood at the window of his hotel room, watching the sky become lighter as the sun made its appearance, chasing away the last remaining shadows of dawn. He breathed deeply; he had lost track of how long he had been standing there; long enough he figured since it had still been dark when he had planted himself in that spot. Sleep had alluded him; the rumpled bed was a testament to his tossing and turning until finally he had given up and paced the room, his mind torn between worrying and anticipation…trying to rehearse his explanation. He blew out another breath, seeing the sidewalks come to life with people on their way to work and opening up their stores and diners. He glanced at the clock; it was nearly six-thirty…he imagined that Johanna was already up and probably dressed for work by now. She was a creature of habit; getting up at a little after five on work days once they'd had Katie so she'd have time to dress and do her makeup without interruption…and then she'd go downstairs, turn the coffee pot on; decide what to make for breakfast before grabbing the newspaper from the porch. Her routine didn't change even after Katie was in California at Stanford; she had tried to allow herself an extra half hour of sleep but she rarely succeeded during the week. Of course he sometimes wondered if she hadn't kept her habit of being up first so she could have some peace and quiet to do what she needed to do before he got up.
Jim turned away from the window, moving to the chair and setting down; his gaze drifting back to the city outside the window. Johanna would be making breakfast now…she'd probably have a few papers to look over for whatever was first on her schedule that morning and she'd do that while she ate. She'd scrape the breakfast dishes and put them in the sink to wait until later when she'd have the dishes from dinner to wash. She'd gather up her purse, briefcase and keys and leave for work…she might stop on the way for one of those fancy coffees she liked to indulge in at times but only if she didn't have to be in court first thing.
He scrubbed a hand over his face, forcing himself to stop thinking of what his wife might be doing. All night he had fought the urge to drive home, knock on the door and pull her into his arms when she answered. It was hard to rest when you were finally back in the city you were meant to be in; the people you wanted to be near in reach. Another breath crossed his lips; wondering if Katie was getting ready for work too. He didn't like the idea of her being a cop although he'd had plenty of time to get used to the idea…but still…it was hard to picture his little girl out running down criminals with a gun strapped to her hip. He didn't like to think about it…tried not to think about it too much or he'd go crazy. The worry when she had been shot had nearly done him in.
Time seemed to be moving at a snail's pace ever since he had gotten to New York the evening before. Today was the day he'd see his wife again; his daughter too…it had been so long and thought of waiting hours more seemed almost unbearable but he had no choice…he had to wait on Agent Highland who had convinced him that this had to be done properly. Logically he understood the need to do everything just right…but his heart just wanted to go to them…wanted to feel like he was finally back where he belonged.
Jim sighed deeply; just a few more hours…he could make it a few more hours. He could make the time go faster by keeping busy. He had to shower and shave; get dressed…force himself to choke down some breakfast…find some black coffee to keep him awake and alert. He could go get a newspaper to read…try to will the phone to ring so that it would be time to go. He got up from the chair and moved to the nightstand where he had laid his wallet the night before. He opened it, taking out the one photo he had been able to sneak away with thirteen years ago; the one he had kept in a small frame in his apartment in Virginia. It was old, Katie was only five on the family photo but he cherished it. "Just a few more hours," he murmured as he looked at the image of his wife and daughter. "Just a few more hours and this will all be over."
At least he hoped it would be over, Jim mused as he kept his gaze on the photo. Agent Highland kept warning him against getting his hopes up…but surely the man would be wrong and all would go well. He just had to think positive…he had to think happy thoughts…that's what Johanna had always told Katie when she was little and had a bad dream; think happy thoughts. He'd been living a nightmare for thirteen years; he needed more than happy thoughts…he needed his wife in his arms; his daughter in reach. Just a few more hours…he could make it; he didn't have a choice.
"Gabriella Nicole; put that damn phone down and finish your breakfast," Johanna said firmly as she eyed her niece.
"I was just checking it," Gabby replied as she laid her phone down.
"You just checked it two minutes ago and that was about the fifth time you checked it since you came downstairs; what are you up to?"
"It's probably a boy," Kate remarked as she picked up a bite of her waffle.
"Is it?" Johanna asked.
"No," Gabby stated as she rubbed her eye; sleepiness still present in her features.
"You were up half the night texting, weren't you?" her aunt asked.
"No."
"If I check your phone, am I going to find out you're lying?"
"You said I could stay up late."
"I said you could stay up and finish watching the movie you wanted to see," Johanna replied; "I didn't say you could be on the phone all night. Am I going to have to start taking it at night so you can get some sleep?"
"No," Gabby sighed.
"I think it's a good thing I didn't have a cell phone at her age," Kate stated.
"Oh I guarantee it's a good thing," her mother agreed. "If you had had one, I probably would've ran over it with the car by the end of the first week."
She nodded. "I can definitely see that happening...and you would've taken it when I was grounded."
"First thing on the list," Johanna replied; "But lucky for us, you didn't have one…although your usage of the landline was just as annoying at times."
"Yeah; I remember the yelling," Kate said with a laugh.
"I'm sure you do. So what's so important on the phone this morning, Gabby?" she asked; seeing that her niece was itching to reach for the device again. "You may as well tell me, I find out one way or another…just ask your cousin."
Kate glanced at Gabby. "It's true; she usually finds out…don't ask me how but she does…so you may as well confess."
Gabby sighed deeply. "Nina heard that we might get to be with another camp today for games."
Johanna's brow rose. "And what camp would that be?"
Her niece gave her a sheepish look. "The boys camp."
"Told you," Kate laughed.
Johanna smiled. "See, you already have what it takes to be a mommy."
Kate rolled her eyes but her smile dampened the gesture. "No; I've just been a thirteen year old girl before."
"So have I," her mother replied.
"Yeah; but you're a lot further away from your thirteen than I am," her daughter quipped.
"Watch it or I might knock you into your next age," Johanna said lightly before turning her attention back to her niece. "So which boy is in the boys camp that has you all anxious this morning?"
Gabby fidgeted in her seat. "Cody."
She nodded. "That's the boy you went to the dance with, isn't it?"
"Yeah…but you know, I haven't seen him since school got out."
"That was a whole three weeks ago," Kate commented; "Isn't that tragic?"
Johanna couldn't help but laugh. "Now, Katie; don't pick on her…I remember you distraught with the idea of not seeing that boy Bobby for months when eighth grade let out for the summer. You were so afraid he might forget you."
"Well you know how it is; at that age a boy's attention seems to go with the girl who grows the biggest boobs first."
Johanna saw Gabby cast a glance down at her chest and frown. "Gabby," she said; "Don't empty the tissue boxes trying to be that kind of number one…it'll only end in embarrassment."
"I'm not going to do that," Gabby replied; "But is it true? Boys only like girls who have big…"
"No," Johanna said with a shake of her head; "It's not true…at least not for most of them. I'm sure Cody likes you just the way you are; right, Katie?"
Kate nodded; chastening herself silently; the last thing she wanted was to give her little cousin body image issues. "Of course he does; a guy doesn't go to a dance with a girl if he doesn't like everything about her. You're beautiful; he'd be crazy not to realize that."
"What if he already forgot me? He hasn't said anything to me online in awhile."
"He's probably just been busy," Johanna assured.
"That's true," Kate said; "If he's going to soccer camp too, he's got that going on and he might have family things…and honestly; Gabs; guys aren't always great with communication…you can't always wait on him to talk to you first."
"She's right," Johanna agreed; "Sometimes you have to be the one to reach out, honey. Boys just don't do things the way we girls do…sometimes they have short attention spans."
"What if it's true that we all get to be together today at camp?" Gabby said; "What do I say to him?"
"Hello is usually a good start," Johanna replied; "Then you can ask him what he's been doing."
Gabby shifted in her seat once more. "What if he acts like he doesn't like me anymore?"
"Then when it's your turn to kick the ball, you aim for his head," Kate replied.
"Katie!" Johanna exclaimed.
"What!?" she asked; "That's what I would've done…if he's going to be a little creep that's what he gets."
"That may be true but I'd rather not have to explain to Andrew why his daughter got kicked out of soccer camp," Johanna remarked. "Gabby; if Cody acts like he doesn't like you anymore…it'll hurt; there's no denying that…but there are other boys and I'm sure any one of them would be happy to know you."
"I guess it doesn't matter," Gabby said as she finished her breakfast. "Dad isn't going to let me go anywhere with a boy."
"Camp isn't over yet… you might get to be with the boys more than you think," she told her. "And if there is someone you really want to see outside of camp, then I'm sure I can sit at another table while you two eat pizza together one night."
"No need to rush into dating though," Kate said; "I know it seems exciting but you have a lot of time for it. Just go slow; if things seems fine with Cody then just hang out with him at lunch during camp…and then after camp, if you two want to do something, then take it from there."
"She's right," Johanna told her niece; "There's no need to rush."
"But Nina goes out with boys a lot," Gabby said; "And Kylie's gone out a few times."
"It's not a competition, honey; you're supposed to do what feels right to you; not what everyone else is doing so you can keep up with them. You've got so much time to deal with dating and boys…I know, it's new and exciting and you want to do everything your friends say they're doing…but I know from experience that sometimes girls say they've done things that they haven't," Johanna told her. "They want to seem important…"
"They want to be cool," Kate added.
"But they're just as nervous and unsure about things as you are," Johanna continued; "And you know what; they may not have been out as much as they claim…because I've met Nina's mother and she doesn't seem like the type to let her go on all these dates at her age. So take those things with a grain of salt, Gabby. Everyone is trying to be someone at your age…and you know what, all of you are just trying to find your way. So don't worry about what happens beyond seeing Cody at camp for now, okay? Listen to Katie; just hang out with him at lunch if he wants to…and reach out once in awhile online and start a conversation with him; boys need to be nudged sometimes. Don't put so much pressure on yourself."
"Okay," Gabby said with a soft sigh; "But should I put makeup on just in case he's there today?"
"You know your father doesn't like you to wear makeup unless it's for a special occasion."
Kate grinned. "It is a special occasion; she might see Cody today."
Gabby smiled. "Please, Aunt Jo?"
"I don't have a problem with it," Johanna replied; "But you're going to be outside playing soccer; you're going to sweat it off."
"But he'll see me before I sweat it off," Gabby told her.
"Fine," she relented; "But just the lipgloss and whichever Bath and Body Works perfume you think is most appealing today."
"Can't I have a little eye shadow?"
"Gabby; you're going to camp, not a dance," Johanna replied; "Lipgloss and perfume are enough for today, okay? Go put it on and get your bag; we need to get going."
Gabby hurried away from the table and Kate rose from her place and helped her mother clear away the table. "She's becoming a teenager," Kate remarked.
"I know; she wants to push her limits at times…just like you did. You better take notes for your own kids."
"Oh I figure I don't need notes; you'll tell me when I'm screwing up," she said lightly. "What's on your agenda today?"
"I'm in court first thing this morning," Johanna said as she moved to the counter where her briefcase and purse sat, packed and ready to go.
"Starting a new case?"
"No; finishing this one up. It was supposed to be finished Friday but the opposing counsel is growing desperate and stretched things into today in hopes of finding something he can use to help his case…but it's too late; he's done for."
"You're confident of that?"
"Oh yes; I know what card he might try to play and I'm ready for it," Johanna said with confidence. "The hearing should be over before lunch…and no, I'm not having lunch with anyone; I'll probably pick something up on the way back to the office and eat at my desk."
"If you want to have lunch with someone, you can…it's not like you need my permission," Kate told her.
"I know…but I'm eating alone today. I'll be in the office for the afternoon if you'd need me for something; what's on your agenda?"
"Whatever the ring of the phone brings," Kate replied. "If it's a slow day I'll have paperwork; if not, I'll be out on a case."
"I'm ready to go," Gabby said as she hurried into the room with her bag and grabbed her phone from the table; shoving it into the pocket of her bag.
"Alright," Johanna said; checking to be sure everything was turned off; "I guess we're all as ready as we can be to meet Monday."
"I'll drop Gabby off at her camp since you need to go to court," Kate offered; "It's on my way anyway."
"Is that alright with you, Gabby?" Johanna asked; figuring her niece would like to have the company of her cousin for a change.
"Yeah; it's fine."
"Okay; you go with Katie then. Your Dad said last night that he'll be back in the city in time to pick you up but if he isn't, he'll let us both know and I'll be there to pick you up, okay?"
"Okay," Gabby said, accepting Johanna's quick hug and the kiss pressed against her hair.
"Have fun; let me know how it goes," she told her.
"I will," Gabby promised.
Johanna then turned to Kate and hugged and kissed her as well. "I'm glad you came by this morning; it's always good to have you home. You let me know how things go for you today too."
"I promise," Kate replied. "Call if you need me."
"You too."
Kate kissed her mother's cheek and then grabbed her keys from the table. "Come on, Gabby; let's head out."
Johanna watched as her niece and daughter headed out the door and she sighed deeply, feeling suddenly lonely without them. She tried to shake off the feeling as she gathered up her belongings but all she could think about was that she'd be alone in the house tonight again and it made her long for husband and everything she couldn't have.
Early that afternoon, her case won and behind her, Johanna was at her desk going over a file for her next case when the door of her office opened. She glanced up, seeing Sharon slipping into the room. "Client?" she asked; since her secretary was still primarily ignoring her unless it was something work related. It annoyed her a little as she didn't like to feel as though she was being treated like a naughty toddler but she said nothing about the cold shoulder treatment that was going on in regard to her.
"No; you have a call on line one. You forgot to turn the intercom back on after your last meeting."
"Sorry about that," Johanna replied; "Please don't add it to the list of supposed proof that I'm drunk or losing my mind. It was merely a simple oversight that all people have."
Her secretary didn't take the bait and it sent a feeling of trepidation down her spine. "Who's on the phone, Sharon?"
A flicker of anxiety flashed in Sharon's eyes. "It's Captain Victoria Gates of the twelfth precinct."
Her stomach clenched. "Oh God."
"Don't panic," Sharon said; "She didn't sound particularly worried."
"Sharon; when your daughter is a cop and you get a phone call from her Captain; it's never good news…so go ahead and cancel the rest of my day because I'll probably be in a hospital waiting room…again," she muttered as she picked up the phone and pushed the button for the extension; thinking about how she had just seen Katie that morning and how she hoped that this wasn't the call she had always dreaded. "This is Mrs. Beckett," she stated; "What's happened to my daughter?"
There was a pause on the other end of the line, a slight intake of breath as if the caller hadn't been prepared for the straight to the point question. "Nothing has happened to Kate, Mrs. Beckett," Captain Gates replied. "I assure you that she's fine."
Johanna was silent for a moment, allowing that assurance to settle over her and ease. "Did she get arrested and she needs a lawyer…because to be honest; I always had a feeling this might happen some day."
"No; she hasn't been arrested and she hasn't been fired…I'm not calling about Kate."
"Then why are you calling?" Johanna asked; her stomach still tight with anxiety.
Another pause…a soft intake of breath as the caller chose her words carefully. "It's about your husband."
The words were a punch to her gut; memories flooding back to her of that night in January 1999 when she and Katie had gone home and found a detective waiting on them. She had asked what was wrong, a sick feeling pooling within her as she stared at him.
"It's about your husband."
Four words…a mere four words that dismantled her world and her sense of being. Four words that rocked her to the core…and she still hadn't fully recovered.
"Mrs. Beckett, are you still there?" the Captain asked.
Johanna shook off the cobwebs that settled over her mind. "Yes; I'm still here," she replied; a note of quiet grief in her tone. "What about my husband? Is Bracken being released?"
"No; but we need to talk. Can you come down to the precinct?"
She breathed deeply. "What is this about?" she demanded to know; painful memories and the odd dreams of the night before making her feel raw and unwilling to do this again. "You caught the person responsible and if he isn't being released, then why do we need to pull scabs off of old wounds? What could we possibly have to discuss about my husband?"
"It's best if we speak in person, Mrs. Beckett," Captain Gates replied. "It's not my intent to cause you pain and reopen old wounds…but this matter needs to be discussed…now if you're available."
"Does Katie know about whatever this is about?" Johanna asked.
"No; she's out on a case but she will be informed when she returns. Can you come down now, Mrs. Beckett?"
"It doesn't sound like I have much choice," she replied, a touch of bitterness in her tone at the thought of having to go through the whole thing again…because it seemed like no matter what strides were made, she always ended up having to re-live the ordeal. "I'll be there as soon as I arrange things here at my office."
"That's fine; I'll see you soon," Captain Gates replied before ending the call.
Johanna hung up the phone, a deep sigh crossing her lips as she scrubbed her hands over her face. Why? Why did she have to go through this again? For thirteen years she had been trying to put the pieces of her life back together…and she could admit that she had made her peace with the fact that she'd never totally be the same again. It was hard to be the same woman when there was a large hole blown through your life. She'd never be whole again without Jim…it had taken her a long time to accept that as well. Katie had finally resolved her mission of finding out who had taken Jim from them and why. It was supposed to be over now…at least as much as it could be because it was never over in terms of her heart and the deep dwellings of her mind. Was this why her dreams had been so odd and upsetting the night before? Had Jim been trying to warn her that another upset was coming her way so she could brace for it? She felt those deeper edges of grief crowding against her; she hated going to the precinct…hated to be in that building where the people who had robbed her of her husband had walked. But she had no choice…it seemed like she never had a choice in anything.
The last thing she wanted to do was go down there and find out something else that would rip off the scabs and set her to bleeding again. But she didn't have a choice…and if it was something she was being notified of before Katie was, then it really couldn't be good. Johanna blew out a breath, the light catching on her engagement ring and making it sparkle. Sadness filled her; God she missed him. Everyone told her it would get easier in time but so far it hadn't. She missed him every day…hated going home to an empty house…hated climbing into their bed alone. Anguish washed over her in a strong wave as she closed her eyes and breathed deeply. There wasn't time for this now; she had to go down to the precinct and see what this was all about and then she'd go home and change, go over to her mother-in-law's and make her dinner; eat with her and see her settled for the evening before she went home and did some work before going to bed. She had a routine and for the most part it was best if she stuck to it; it made it easier to deal with things…easier to box them up and put them away until a more convenient time.
With a feeling of trepidation, Johanna gathered up her briefcase and purse and turned off the lights in the office before stepping out into her secretary's space and closing the door. "If you haven't done it already, cancel the rest of the day," she told Sharon.
"Is Katie hurt?"
"No; but her Captain wants to see me.
"About what?"
"Something about Jim's case," she said quietly.
"What could be left?" Sharon asked.
"I don't know…I'm not even sure I want to know but it seems like I don't have much choice in finding out."
Sharon favored her with a look that was half sympathy and half pity. "I'm sure it'll be alright."
Johanna nodded. "We can only hope," she said as she headed for the door. She just needed to get this over with…just do it quickly like ripping off a band-aid and allowing herself to tap into that ability to feel numb until she wanted to deal with whatever feeling it evoked.
By the time she arrived at the precinct, Johanna felt as though she had a brick in her stomach despite her best efforts to remain aloof about whatever information was awaiting her. She gave her name at the desk and her reason for being there and then was shown to a private conference room where she was left alone as an officer went to notify Captain Gates that she had arrived.
The ticking of the clock on the wall annoyed her as she waited for the Captain to appear. She didn't like this; it didn't feel right. Something was wrong…very wrong and she wasn't sure she wanted to know what it was since she had been assured that her daughter was fine. Thinking of Katie, she allowed herself to peek between the slats of the blind to see into the bullpen; her daughter's desk was void of her presence…she didn't see Ryan or Esposito either. She wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.
After what felt like an eternity, Captain Gates entered the room and closed the door. "Mrs. Beckett; thank you for coming down. Can I get you some coffee?"
"No, thank you," she replied. "I'd just like to get this over with if that's okay? I don't like revisiting this segment of my life over and over. I thought I was finished with his case…that it could rest…that he could rest now."
"I understand," Gates said slowly. "But there is an angle we weren't aware of in regard to your husband's case."
Johanna surged to her feet feeling the need to pace. "Are you going to tell me that my husband was a part of something shady?" she asked. "Because I won't believe you…I don't care what Bracken's people have tried to concoct to smear his memory…it's not true. Jim wasn't that kind of man. He wasn't a crooked lawyer like everyone thinks every attorney is. He didn't take bribes and he was never involved in anything illegal."
"Your husband hasn't been accused of any wrong doing," the Captain stated. "Today I was met by the FBI agent who has been handling your husband's case since 1999."
"What FBI agent?" Johanna demanded to know. "I was never told of any FBI agent nor was I ever questioned by one…and believe me, Captain; I was subjected to a very thorough questioning by a detective of this precinct after he told me my husband was dead. I had to list every place I had been that day, had to provide proof of it in the form of receipts…I was questioned about my relationship with my husband and what terms we were on when we said goodbye that day. I then had to sit by as my daughter was questioned in the same manner. There was never an FBI agent…just corrupt dirty cops on this precinct's payroll who cleared our names and buried my husband's case before I could even make funeral arrangements. The FBI was never involved."
"There was FBI involvement," Gates remarked. "It wasn't made known to the NYPD…the agent couldn't risk his mission."
Johanna scoffed. "Well he must be a sorry excuse of an agent if he couldn't solve this case before my daughter did. My daughter took a bullet doing the job and if they were on the case, why the hell did that have to happen? Why did it take thirteen years to find out who was responsible? Why did my daughter have to practically throw her life away chasing this thing if they were on the job?" she asked angrily.
"Solving the case wasn't exactly this agent's…department, we'll say," Gates remarked. She prided herself on being able to handle every situation that came her way; but this one felt entirely more awkward than most.
"Then what the hell was his department and why am I here?" Johanna asked.
"He's in the field of protecting witnesses."
"And what does that have to do with me and my husband's case? Surely Katie and I aren't in any kind of danger that warrants drastic measures, are we? I mean Bracken is still incarcerated, isn't he?"
"There is no danger to you or Kate. Mr. Bracken is still incarcerated and there's no possible way for him to be released."
"Then why am I here?" she asked again.
Gates took a deep breath and figured the blunt approach was best; trying to beat around the bush was only making the woman in front of her more agitated. "Because the person Agent Highland was protecting is your husband. Your husband is alive, Mrs. Beckett."
Johanna stared at her for a moment; the world feeling as though it had tipped on its axis…it couldn't be true. She had to be mistaken. Jim was gone…she knew he was; she had stood in front of that window at the morgue and they had pulled the sheet back…and her brother-in-law had barely caught her before she crumbled to the floor. "No," she said; her voice shaking. "That's a lie. My husband is dead."
"No, Mrs. Beckett; he isn't."
She shook her head, backing away from the woman. "You're lying…and I don't know who concocted this sick twisted joke but I can guarantee you that when I find out; you'll all be very sorry because I'll sue the hell out of you."
"Mrs. Beckett; I'm not lying to you. It's the truth…I saw him. Your husband is in my office."
"No, he isn't!" she yelled. "He's gone…he's been gone for thirteen years and five months. I saw his body!"
"You saw what they wanted you to see," Gates said calmly. "You were in shock, you were grieving…they were counting on that. You viewed the body through the window which was still a common practice back then…it was easy for them to fool you."
"I don't believe you," Johanna said; her tone low and full of tears. "I'm leaving…and don't you dare try to pull this stunt on my daughter. She's been through enough."
The Captain hurried to block the door. "Mrs. Beckett," she said gently; "I wouldn't lie to anyone about something like this. He's in my office right now; the story checks out; I met his agent. Come and see for yourself. You'd know him if you saw him, wouldn't you?"
"Of course I would!" she retorted angrily; "But I'm telling you this isn't possible."
"It is; I wouldn't have brought you here if it wasn't. I spoke to the Agent; he told me that they received a tip that there was a contract out on your husband; they contacted him and staged his death to keep him alive…now you can come to my office and see for yourself or you can wait here and I'll bring him to you."
Johanna eyed the room, noting the multiple exits. "Fine; you bring him here…and when I prove it isn't my husband; hell is going to break loose and you'll wish to God that you had never started this little game."
"Alright," the Captain said; keeping her tone low and gentle. "I'll be right back."
"I'll be right here," Johanna said as she paced the length of the room, her stomach churning. This couldn't be happening; this was somebody's idea of a sick joke and she wasn't going to stand for it. She wasn't going to let someone pretend they were Jim when she knew damn well that he as dead. These sort of things of people coming back from the dead only happened on soap operas and in books…it didn't happen in real life…she wasn't that lucky. If Jim was alive, he would've found a way to let her know. Wouldn't he?
Her head felt like it was spinning; nausea threatening to overwhelm her as she waited for this joke to be carried out so she could put an end to it and find the person responsible…because she would…and they would pay dearly. She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself; she had to deal with this before they roped Katie into it. Her daughter didn't need to see some imposter imitating her father. She had been through enough…they both had. She closed her eyes; she had wished a million times over the past thirteen years that she'd wake up and find out it had all been some terrible nightmare and that he'd walk through the door as if he had just gotten home from a business trip…but wishes and reality didn't often walk hand in hand.
Johanna brushed back a lock of dark hair and rubbed the ache at the side of her neck that she had acquired from falling asleep in the chair the night before. She wished she had taken something for it; if she had the medication might've helped ward off the headache she could feel building above her eyes. The clack of Captain Gates' heels outside the door made her flinch and she squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to look into the face of a stranger who for some sick reason was parading around as her husband.
She heard the doorknob turn and she had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from whimpering. The tick of the clock seemed even louder than before…the squeak of the door hinge unnervingly loud as the door was opened…the clack of heels against the linoleum floor. She felt her hands begin to shake and she curled them into fists at her sides to make it stop.
"Mrs. Beckett," Captain Gates said as she stood near the door. "Are you ready?"
Johanna sucked in a breath and gave a curt nod. "Let's get it over with."
Gates stepped back to the door. "You can come in now," she told the man waiting outside.
She studied the man as he stepped through the door; her pulse racing…he was the right height and build…his hair grey…the last time she had seen Jim, hints of grey had just been beginning to make it's presence known in his brown hair. He hadn't known what to think of it…but she had told him it made him look distinguished…still as attractive as he had always been. She closed her eyes and forced herself to focus as he turned in her direction, his blue eyes meeting her gaze as she forced her eyes to open once more. Oh God; she knew those eyes…knew the color and shape as well as she knew her own…knew how they warmed with affection…gleamed with amusement and hardened with anger.
Her heart pounded, her stomach clenching even tighter as he moved closer, a smile touching his lips. "Jo," he said quietly, moving toward her.
She stiffened, backing away even as her gaze stayed on him. Thirteen years ago her world had unraveled…and now, looking into that pair of blue eyes that warmed as he held her gaze, she watched the world begin to unravel once more, like a spool of thread that had fallen to the floor and kept rolling without stop, leaving a trail of untamed string in its wake. She closed her eyes, telling herself to breathe…willing her stomach not to rebel. Oh God; this couldn't be real…it just couldn't be.