A/N: Thanks for your reviews; I'm so glad you're all enjoying my little summer project!
Chapter 11
Johanna couldn't move…couldn't speak; it was as if every facet of her brain had suddenly failed her as this man approached her. He came near, stepping into her space, his arms wrapping around her in an embrace. She stiffened, his touch forcing her back to reality as she pulled away and backed up from him. "Don't touch me," she said; her voice low and even. "Don't touch me."
Sadness flicked in his eyes. "Jo…it's me."
She shook her head, trying to deny that he did indeed look like her husband…and he sounded like her husband…but it just couldn't be; she was just fooling herself…wishing for something she couldn't have. This couldn't be real…no matter how much he looked and sounded like the man she'd been mourning for thirteen years. Her husband wouldn't have done this to her…it just couldn't be him.
Jim reached for her hand. "It's me."
"It can't be," she murmured more to herself than him. "It just can't be."
"It is," he insisted as she jerked her hand away from him as if she had been burned.
"No," Johanna said with a shake of her head. "I don't believe you."
"Jo; you know it's me…look at me…you know me."
"I don't care that you look like him!" she yelled; "It's just not possible!"
Jim breathed deeply; this was going to be harder than he had imagined. "My birthday is July sixth; my parents are Robert Beckett and Elizabeth Bradley Beckett. My siblings are Michael, William, Andrew and Madelyn. My grandmother's name was Lilly."
"A search of obituaries will turn up all of those names," Johanna remarked as she trembled; desperate to deny this man's claims.
He sighed. "I went to Cornell University…."
"I know for sure that was mentioned in my husband's obituary as well…along with the rest of his accolades."
"I am your husband," he said; frustration creeping into his tone. "You know I am, Johanna."
The sound of her full name on his lips made her flinch…he had always called her Johanna when he was annoyed with her…but that didn't necessarily mean that she should just blindly believe this.
"Your parents were Frank McKenzie and Naomi Calabrese," Jim went on; "You're the middle child in your family; Frankie's your brother, Colleen's your sister. You went to Columbia University…"
"You could've found all of those things in newspapers," she stated once more.
"We met at Stanford and Roche on your first day of work…three weeks after you graduated from law school," Jim went on. "We got married on August 18, 1977 and we had Katie on November 17, 1979."
"All of those things are easily found out," Johanna retorted.
Jim sighed deeply as he gazed at her, seeing how hard she was trying to deny that he was who he said he was. He couldn't really blame her; she was a person of logic…someone who liked proof of what she was being told. He had given her a great shock and he had to remind himself to be patient…that she might not believe him at first…but he was sure if just kept talking, he could bring her around and convince her that he was telling the truth. "Our first dance was to the Eagles Best of My Love…you were wearing a rose colored dress…and that song was playing again later that night when I kissed you for the first time. We got engaged in December of 76…we went to Hawaii for our honeymoon…you were six months pregnant when we moved into our house."
Her whole body ached just as it did in January 1999. She didn't want to believe it…but he knew too much. He knew their song…knew their first kiss…when they had gotten engaged. Those things couldn't be found in newspapers or internet searches. She hurt so badly that she had to force herself to speak; to demand something more…some kind of proof that would be concrete and undeniable to her. "If it's really you…then tell me something only I would know…something we never told anyone…something that just stayed between us," she said, her tone quivering.
Jim was silent for a long moment as he tried to sort through memories to find something that was safe to bring up in front of Captain Gates who was watching them intently but his silence seemed to unnerve his wife.
"What's wrong?" Johanna asked; "You don't know anything that would only be between my husband and I? I figured that would put an end to this…if you're really who you want me to believe you are, you'd know something…you'd know a lot of things that only I know."
He was trying to be patient but patience had never been one of his strong suits when he was frustrated. "I know plenty of things, Jo; I just don't think you want Katie's boss to know some of them considering they concern our sex life."
A dash of color touched her pale cheeks, anger sparking in her green eyes. "You just don't have anything to offer because this is some kind of sick joke and I'm not going to stand for it!"
"It's not a joke," he retorted angrily; unable to temper his tone. "I know plenty of things…you want something only we would know…I proposed to you without the ring," he stated; the memory of how they had kept that detail private pushing forward in his mind. "I bought that ring on your finger the day after Thanksgiving; the Thanksgiving where my mother put pecans in everything because you're allergic to them; and I drove myself crazy for a week trying to find the right moment to propose to you. I wanted it to be so special for you…but work and family kept interrupting…I had worked late that night; it was snowing when I got home. You wanted to go for a walk in the snow before the dirt of the city spoiled it…you talked me into it and we went…we ended up in a snowball fight in that little park near my apartment…and that moment I had been searching for came without warning and I asked you to marry me. The ring was in the top drawer of my dresser…I felt like such an idiot and I begged you to let me do it over but you wouldn't let me; you told me it was perfect the way it was."
Johanna said nothing, merely stared at him as her hands shook…her heart pounding in her ears. No one could've known that but Jim…he had been so embarrassed about not having the ring with him when he proposed that they had never told anyone that he didn't have it with him that night. She swallowed; unable to speak…unsure of what would happen next…unable to fully accept that this man was Jim.
Jim kept his gaze pinned on her face; watching the play of emotions flick through her eyes…knowing he had chosen the right memory but that she was still trying to deny that he was who he said he was…and he figured there was only one way left to convince her. "Sweetheart," he murmured.
The word went through Johanna like a knife, slicing through the numbness; an anguished cry slipping from her lips as the pain of this new reality set in.
"Don't cry," he said quietly as he reached for her once more.
"Don't touch me!" she yelled, backing further away from him, putting herself out of his reach.
"Jo…."
"No!" she cried. "What did you do?! How could you do this to me!? To Katie!? To your mother!? What have you done!?"
"Mrs. Beckett," Captain Gates stated; "Please, lower your voice."
Johanna turned her blazing gaze toward the woman. "Don't you tell me to lower my voice," she seethed. "It isn't your dead husband standing here looking you in the face like he just came back from a business trip."
Captain Gates gave her a firm look. "I'm asking you to lower your voice."
"What are you going to do about it if I don't?" she asked; "I'm well versed in the law, Captain; I don't believe it's a crime to yell at your recently resurrected husband."
"Knowing the law as you do, you should be aware of that code for disturbing the peace," Captain Gates remarked.
Johanna scoffed. "Yeah; well my peace has been disturbed for thirteen years and that's thanks in part to this department so let's just call it even, shall we?"
Gates regarded her with a raised brow. "I see where Kate gets her attitude."
"It's a family tradition that we're very proud of," Johanna shot back. "Your people might tremble in your wake but you don't scare me, Captain. If you think tossing me in a jail cell for disturbing the peace frightens me, you're wrong…because I assure you, I've been through worse things…like this moment here," she said; her voice breaking.
The Captain schooled herself to reign in her hard as nails persona; it was true; the woman had been through worse things than a charge of disturbing the peace; not that she was going to bring one against her.
"Jo," Jim said; anguish of his own touching his tone. "I'm sorry…I didn't have a choice."
"A choice in what? I don't understand this," Johanna remarked; fury in her veins as she stared at her husband; her brain trying to reconcile his presence as her world turned upside down again.
"Mrs. Beckett," Gates said, re-inserting herself into the conversation.
Johanna flinched; it hurt to even hear her name. "What?" she asked more sharply than she intended.
"Since you had doubts, I have to ask you for the record, is this man your husband?" the Captain asked.
Johanna stared at Jim, a million different memories flicking through her mind. It was him…there was no mistaking it…there was the unmistakable resemblance to Robert Beckett…that Beckett jaw line…the shape of his face that their daughter had inherited…his voice and their memories…and yet she didn't feel the way she felt she should. Instead all she felt was anger and hurt…unease…as if she suddenly didn't know what was right anymore. "Yes," she said somewhat bitterly; "As far as I can tell."
"What more proof do you need?" Jim asked sharply; his carefully composed patience slipping and growing thinner. He had been waiting thirteen years to be in the same room with her again and she wouldn't even let him touch her. She had pulled away from him as if she was being burned…wouldn't even allow him to take her hand. He hadn't slept at all the night before, anticipating the moment when he'd finally be reunited with his wife…and now he was here and she had backed herself clear across the room from him like a skittish kitten. She was trembling and he ached to hold her, to comfort and soothe her…to make everything okay again as he begged forgiveness.
"I don't know what I need," she said through clenched teeth; "But I want the truth."
"It's a long story," he remarked.
She scoffed. "Well I've already waited thirteen years…I'm sure I can spare some more time."
"Perhaps Agent Highland could explain it best," Gates suggested; "And maybe we should wait until Kate gets here so that he only has to do it once. Can I leave the two of you alone while I check to see when she's due back?"
"We'll be fine," Jim assured.
Gates glanced to Johanna. "Mrs. Beckett?"
"Yeah; whatever," she said, rubbing her fingers across her forehead. "Just prepare yourself for Katie's explosion because that's going to be on par with a volcano."
"I can handle her," Gates stated.
Johanna laughed but it lacked humor. "No one handles her; trust me, I'm her mother and even Ii won't be able to keep her from exploding over this one."
"Yes, well I have the distinction of being her boss," Gates replied; "I think it holds a little more weight."
"If that's what you want to believe," Johanna replied.
Gates left the room, closing the door behind her, leaving Johanna and Jim alone together for the first time in over a decade. Johanna continued to rub her fingers across her forehead as she felt her husband's gaze boring into her.
"Are you getting a migraine?" Jim asked quietly; unsure of what to say or do now that it was becoming clear that this wasn't going to go as smoothly as he had planned.
"Probably," she answered. "Thanks for bringing it with you as your homecoming gift."
Jim smiled; sarcasm…that couldn't be good. "I know…I should've brought jewelry."
She raised her head, allowing him to see the anguish on her face. "How can you stand there and smile at me like you've only been gone for a weekend?"
"Because I'm with you," he said quietly; "And it's all I've wanted for the last thirteen years…just to be with you. I had hoped you would feel the same."
Tears filled her eyes. "I don't know how to feel right now, Jim. So you'll have to forgive me for not falling at your feet right at this moment. It's a little hard to wrap my head around the fact that when I woke up this morning I was still living the same nightmare I had been living for thirteen years and then this afternoon I find myself in a brand new one."
"Knowing I'm alive is a nightmare for you?" he asked; hurt and anger flashing in his gaze. "It's nice to know that my wife preferred me dead."
"I don't prefer you dead!" she retorted angrily. "I said nightmare because I feel like I don't know what the hell is going on in the world anymore. I just found out I've been living a lie! What did you expect, Jim? Did you expect that I'd just run into your arms and say let's go home and forget all about it?"
"That would've been the ideal," he murmured.
"Well I'm sorry I can't give that to you at the moment," Johanna replied.
So am I," Jim said tiredly as he allowed himself to study her. She was dressed in a charcoal grey skirt, navy blue blouse and matching grey blazer. He wondered if she had been in court that day; she usually picked sedate colors when she had court appearances. She was still beautiful…of course he had known that from the pictures online and even without them he never doubted that she would be; she was older now…but time hadn't aged her the way it had him. Her hair was still dark, no sign of being colored to combat grey hairs. When he had been close to her, he had noted tiny lines forming around her eyes but they didn't detract from her beauty. He had wanted this to go differently…had imagined that she'd see him and she'd come willingly into his arms…that she'd accept his kiss and his apologies…that they'd have things to work out but he'd be assured of her love and affection. It didn't look like there'd be any affection or assurances. "You look good," he murmured.
"Good to know I don't look as bad as I feel," Johanna remarked; "Because I feel like I could throw up."
"Good to know I inspire that feeling in you."
"You'd feel like throwing up too if you felt like you were looking at ghost," she replied. "Can you just give me a little time to process the fact that you're not a ghost? Do you think I haven't wished for this a million times? That there had been some mistake and you were still here…because I have wished for it…every day of my life for the past thirteen years but I never imagined it being like this…I don't know how to handle it. I don't even know where you've been."
Jim shoved his hands into his pockets, feeling slightly chastened. "You should sit down," he told her; "You're pale…your hands are still shaking."
Johanna wanted to remain standing but it didn't seem like the best idea; she felt like her knees could give out at any moment. She moved back to the chair where her purse had been abandoned and slowly sat down.
Jim waited a moment and then moved to the chair beside her. "Can I sit down beside you?" he asked quietly.
"I guess," she muttered; shifting to the far side of her chair as he sat down next to her.
"I've been in Virginia," he told her; keeping his voice low as if it would ease her pain; the emotional kind as well as the headache he could see building above her brow, making her squint as she rubbed her fingers against her forehead.
"Where in Virginia?"
"Not far from Virginia Beach," he replied.
She scoffed. "How nice for you; a beachside hideaway."
"I didn't pick it; the FBI did," he retorted; "And it wasn't on the beach; I said it was near the beach."
"Whatever," she muttered; "I guess if you had been on the beach, I would've seen you two years ago when I was there with Sharon," she allowed herself to say; feeling even sicker knowing she had been so close to him and hadn't even known it.
Jim's head lowered. "Was it in July that year?"
"Yeah; why?"
"Because two years ago I was in Virginia Beach for the day. I caught a glimpse of a woman that I was sure was you. I started to follow her but then stopped myself, reminding myself that even if it was you, I couldn't let you see me…I couldn't let you know I was there."
She swallowed hard. "If I had run into you before you could've avoided it…would you have told me I was mistaken about who you were?"
"Probably," he said quietly; "I wouldn't have liked it…but I probably would've tried to convince you that you were wrong."
"So why tell me now?" she asked. "Why now after all this time? Are you sick? Are you clearing your conscience before you make me a widow for real?"
"No," Jim said with a shake of his head; "I'm not sick; I'm healthy as a horse."
"Then why tell me now?"
"Because now it's safe to tell you; Bracken has been arrested…I'm not a danger to you now. That's why I did what I did, Jo; I left to keep you and Katie safe…they said it was the only way…that it would look suspicious if all three of us to just suddenly disappeared. They said it was better for them to stage my death and let things carry out naturally from there…if I wasn't here they had no reason to harm you or Katie. I didn't do this to hurt you…I just wanted to protect you."
Johanna understood his need to keep her and Katie safe but it didn't make this situation feel any better. Silence stretched out between them, tears quietly sliding down her cheeks as she tried to make sense of what her life had come to. What was she supposed to do now? How was she supposed to feel? She felt like she was doing this wrong…in every dream she'd had of him coming home, she had ran to him and accepted him with happiness and love. She still loved him; there was no question about that…she was glad that he hadn't suffered the fate that she thought he had…but she was angry too; angry and hurt…unsure of the man sitting beside her. She wasn't sure she knew him anymore…she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. All she knew was that she hurt as deeply as she had in 1999 when she had been told he was gone…and now thirteen years had passed…he might not be the same man she had always known and loved…she knew she wasn't entirely the same woman he had left behind.
"Jo," Jim said quietly; "Say something…please."
"I don't know what to say, Jim," she whispered as her stomach churned. "I just can't believe this…I keep waiting for someone to wake me…for Katie to be in my face yelling that I drank too much wine or that I fell and hit my head. I just don't know…I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
"You're supposed to tell me that you understand," he replied without thought.
Anger flashed in her eyes as her head jerked upwards, her gaze slamming into his. "Tell you I understand? How can I understand when I don't even know what the hell happened!" she all but yelled. "You haven't told me a fucking thing other than where you've been. How long did you walk around lying to my face before you kissed me goodbye knowing you weren't going to come home to me that night? What else have I been lied to about? Do I even know who the hell you are anymore?"
The anger and betrayal in her eyes was too much to bear and he found himself lowering his gaze under her scrutiny. He had asked her to speak and now he couldn't help feeling sorry that he had…he hadn't allowed himself to envision her being angry with him. He had allowed himself to think about the part of her that loved unconditionally…but he had hurt her…and he should've known that there would be a price to pay for that. "You know me," Jim told her. "I'm still the same man you married."
"Are you?" she asked; her eyes filling with tears; "Because I find it hard to believe that the man I married would let me think he was dead for thirteen years."
"I didn't have a choice, Johanna," he said firmly. "I told you. We'll go over the whole thing when Katie gets here…you'll understand."
She scoffed. "Don't go thinking that Katie's going to walk in here and drop at your feet," she told him. "She's not a teenager anymore who can be pacified with a twenty-dollar bill and a ride to the mall. She's been through hell and she's not going to run into your arms like she did when she was a little girl."
"I can hope that you're wrong," Jim retorted; wanting to think at least one member of his family might be happy to see him.
"You can hope…but I'm not wrong…I'd bet everything I own on it," Johanna retorted.
Jim sighed deeply; this wasn't the reunion he had been hoping for…and he didn't want to hear Agent Highland telling him that he had warned him about how it might be.
"Kate," Castle began to say as they pulled up to the diner they had chosen for a late lunch stop after a morning full of case work.
"Yeah?" she asked.
"Are we okay?" he asked hesitantly. Things had seemed off ever since Sunday morning when she had started rambling about plans with her mother and then her radio silence for the rest of the day with the exception of a few bland text messages late that night.
She gave him a small smile. "Yeah; we're fine."
"Are you sure? Because…you haven't seemed like it since yesterday morning. I just…you're not regretting what happened Saturday night…are you?" he questioned as it had been his biggest fear ever since he had woken up Sunday morning and found her already bustling around the room to keep busy. "I know we've been going slow and that we hadn't really talked about exactly when we'd take that step…but…"
"I don't regret it, Castle," she said softly; her tone sincere. "Everything about Saturday night was perfect and I don't regret it at all."
"I thought maybe you were having second thoughts…you haven't been yourself since Sunday morning."
"I know," she sighed, raking her fingers through her hair; "But it's not anything you did…it's just me."
"What about you?"
"I guess…I…I guess moving to the next level just made me feel nervous," she confessed. "I know it sounds stupid…but I worry about blowing it."
"It's not stupid," Castle assured, a smile touching his lips as his anxiety eased. Nerves he could handle; regret would've done him in. "I get nervous too…I don't want to blow it either…but we'll be fine. I think we've been doing pretty well...and just because we took the next step doesn't mean we can't still move slowly for a little while. There's no rush to be something more or to prove something further. We'll just do this thing our way, okay?"
Kate smiled; her lie still gnawing at her. "Yeah; that'll be great. I'm sorry for being distant yesterday…I guess I just needed a little time to work through it."
"That's fine," he replied as he took her hand. "All you ever have to do is say you just need a little time, Kate; I won't get angry. I get it…it was a new step and it's okay if you needed to process it. Did you go to your Mom's?"
She nodded. "Yeah…we spent time with Grandma and Gabby."
"How was that?" he asked.
"It was good. I went to my mother's this morning too," she admitted.
"Something wrong?" Castle asked.
"No," she said with a shake of her head; "I didn't do my grocery shopping and I needed breakfast…it's free to go to my mother's," she admitted with a laugh. "She'll always feed me."
"I don't doubt that…I'm sure she was glad to have you there."
Kate nodded. "Yeah…it was nice to be there for breakfast. I dropped Gabby off at her soccer camp for her since she needed to be in court first thing this morning."
"So are things more settled between you and your Mom?" Castle inquired, giving her hand a soft squeeze.
"I think so," she replied; "And the going out with Jeff was a show put on for my benefit."
"I had a feeling that was the case."
"I think maybe she's not going to do the dating thing…and I'm okay with that."
Castle smiled. "I told you you wouldn't like it."
"I know," a small smile playing on her lips; "We'll mark it down as the one time you were right."
"One time!" he exclaimed. "I've been right many times, I'll have you know."
"That's what you claim," she teased as she reached for the door handle of the car to get out.
"It's what I know," he stated as her phone buzzed before she could even get out of her seat.
Kate sighed as she answered the phone and Castle's brow furrowed as he listened to her ask if something was wrong before commenting that they'd be on there way.
"What's wrong?" he asked when she hung up and shut her car door once again.
"Well for one thing, we're not getting lunch. That was Gates; she wants us back at the precinct right now."
"What did we do now?"
"It's hard to tell," she said as she started the car. "We probably breathed wrong and now we have to be lectured."
"Not exactly the break we planned on having," Castle quipped.
"I know. I guess we'll go hear our lecture and then maybe we can squeeze in a lunch run…if we're lucky."
"We're never that lucky," he replied; "I'll be hitting the vending machines for snacks while you're being chained to the desk."
"Well this time if there's only one bag of Doritos in the machine; they're mine," Kate said firmly.
"Why!?"
"Because you got them last time!? This time you get the Cheetos!"
"Fine; I'll make the sacrifice," Castle said dramatically. "Of course we might not feel like eating after whatever it is Gates wants to see us about…it might kill our appetite."
"That's true," Kate agreed as she merged into traffic. "I'm already feeling less hungry."
When they arrived back at the precinct, Kate headed for Captain Gates office with a sense of purpose, wanting to get it over with, whatever it was. She knocked on the door and when beckoned inside, she swept in with Castle trailing behind her, taking her place in front of the Captain's desk; waiting for the ball to start rolling.
"Close the door, Mr. Castle," Gates said, her gaze meeting his.
Castle schooled himself to keep from wincing as he closed the door; closed door discussions never boded well for them.
"What's this about?" Kate asked. "Is there a complaint about the case I'm working on?"
"No," she replied; "It's something regarding your personal life."
Kate stiffened and forced her gaze not to slide toward Castle who subtly shifted on his feet at her side. Her stomach twisted; someone had found out about them and he was about to be put out of the precinct. She didn't know if she could bear it. "What about my personal life?" she asked; her tone smooth and void of the trepidation she felt inside.
"Maybe you should sit down."
"I'll stand," Kate replied; her chin jutting upwards in the same fashion her mother's did when she was frustrated or angry.
"It's about your father's case."
Her stomach rolled and she pushed down the bitter taste of bile that threatened to rise in her throat. "Is Bracken being released on some made up technicality?"
"No," Gates answered. "There isn't a snowball's chance in hell of that."
"Then what is this about?" Kate snapped. "The case is closed and I've been putting it behind me…why do we need to dig it up?"
The Captain took off her glasses and laid them on the desk, rising to stand as she studied the woman before her. She looked like her mother, the Captain mused; the eyes and nose, the set of her cheekbones…the arrogant lift of her chin…a trait she had noticed that Johanna Beckett had carried when she had been addressed about the volume of her voice. Yes; Kate Beckett was her mother's daughter…but she also saw shades of the man in the conference room in her in the shape of her face and her height…the impatience that flickered in her eyes. She drew in a breath and set about telling the story of Jim Beckett for the second time that day.
When Kate had been driving toward the precinct after receiving the Captain's call, she had envisioned any number of scenarios; being reamed out for not closing her current case fast enough…breaking some obscure, outdated protocol…and moments ago she had even feared that she and Castle had been found out in regard to their relationship status. But nowhere in the recesses of her mind had she imagined this cockamamie story about her father returning from the dead. No, she wasn't buying that one and before she could censor herself, the words came tumbling out. "You're out of your damn mind," she said as she looked her Captain in the eye.
"Detective," Gates said, her brow arching in warning; "The agent in charge of your father's case is here in the building; I spoke with him at length as well as speaking to your father."
"Did you verify his credentials?" Kate asked. "He could be anyone trying to pull off whatever sick agenda this may be."
"I'm not a damn rookie, Beckett; of course I checked him out," Gates retorted; "And like I said; I also spoke to your father."
"He's not my father," she said angrily; unwilling to believe the claims.
"Your mother has identified him as her husband."
"My mother!?" Kate exclaimed angrily. "You called my mother!?"
"Yes," Gates replied; "Mr. Beckett asked for his wife…he came here to be reunited with his family; he asked for her and I called her office and had her come down."
"Without telling me first?!" she all but yelled.
"She is his wife, Beckett; legally she's his next of kin which means she gets notified before you do. I'm sure you're aware of that. I had no choice but to call her…she's his wife," she stated once more.
"No, she isn't," she said hotly. "You never call her first when it comes to my father. She's extremely vulnerable when it comes to him."
"She didn't seem too vulnerable when I asked her to lower her voice and she turned on me and asked me what I'd do about it," Gates replied; "She told me she didn't fear me nor did she fear spending time in a cell for disturbing the peace. She seemed quite strong and capable…her attitude reminding me a lot of yours."
"I am my mother's daughter," Kate said; no ounce of shame in her voice. "But the point remains, when it's something about my father; you never call her first…."
"She identified him as her husband, Beckett."
Kate scoffed. "You don't get it!" she said, throwing her hands up in the air; "My mother has been so desperate to have her life back to the way it was that any fool that looked enough like him could convince her that he had miraculously returned."
"I don't think that's the case, Beckett. She didn't want to accept this anymore than you do; she threatened to sue me for being part of what she was sure was some ruse. She put him through some rigorous questioning and afterwards confirmed to me that he was her husband."
Kate shook her head. "No; I'm not buying this; not for a single second."
"Kate," Castle said; breaking his silence as he saw anguish slipping into her eyes.
"No, Castle; it's not true…someone is trying to pull something and I'm not going to stand for it," she said before shifting her attention back to Gates. "Where is my mother? I want her away from this person before she gets taken in further by this fraud."
"Your parents are in the conference room."
"Only one of them is my parent," Kate retorted; "And I'm going to go get her and take her home."
"Beckett," Gates stated but she was already pushing through the door, her stride quick and purposeful as they spilled out of the office behind her, hurrying to catch up as she approached the conference room and flung the door open, sweeping into it, her gaze seeking her mother.
"Mom," Kate said; spotting her mother in a chair, her head lowered.
Johanna looked up at her as she wiped the tears off her cheeks. "Katie."
Kate swallowed hard, seeing the shattered look in her mother's eyes. She had seen that look before…and it had never completely gone away but time had settled things enough that it wasn't quite so visible…but now it was back full force and she couldn't bear it. "Let's go," she said; moving toward her, her hand outstretched.
"Go where?" Johanna asked.
"Home…I'm going to take you home; and then I'll come back and straighten this mess out."
"Katie," Jim said; rising from his chair and reaching for her.
Kate flinched away from him. "Don't touch me. I don't know who you are or what game you're trying to play but you're not playing it with me and you damn sure aren't playing it with my mother."
"Katie; it's me," Jim replied. "Look at me; you know it's me. I'm not some imposter. Who the hell would want to impersonate me?"
She shrugged. "The world is full of sick people who do things no one can understand."
"I'm not one of them," Jim said firmly. "I know you're upset…but I am your father and I know you'll realize that if you just let yourself look past your anger right now."
"I don't believe you," Kate said; hating that her voice quivered. He looked the part, she could admit that…his voice even sounded the same…but it just couldn't be.
"It's him, Katie," Johanna said quietly; her voice weary. "He knows things that aren't common knowledge."
"How do we know that for sure?" she asked her mother.
"Because I never told anyone that he proposed to me without the ring," Johanna admitted softly; "No one could know that but me and him."
"Maybe you just forgot that you told someone," she suggested. "It was a long time ago."
Johanna shook her head. "No; I never told anyone…I never even told you. He was embarrassed by it back then so we never told that part…he's the only person besides me who would know."
"I'm not sure that's enough for me to put blind faith in his story," Kate said; desperately wanting to deny what was happening.
"When you were a little girl," Jim stated; "You loved My Little Ponies…and you'd always ask me to build you a stable for them with your blocks. Eventually they came out with a stable for the ponies and I bought it for you for Valentine's Day because I was traveling a lot and wasn't always home to build you a stable when you needed one."
Kate bit the inside of her cheek, trying to keep her chin from quivering as hurt and betrayal rippled through her.
"Katie," he murmured, his hand reaching out to her once more but she knocked it away.
"I told you not to touch me," she said; her tone low and furious.
He studied his daughter's face, wanting desperately to comfort her. "I've been waiting a long time to hug you, Katie," he told her.
She scoffed. "Well you can wait the rest of your life as far as I'm concerned."
"Katie…"
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "I don't want to hear it."
"I can explain everything," Jim remarked.
Gates cleared her throat. "I'll go get Agent Highland and he can explain everything," she said, her gaze shifting from the reunited family to Castle who had been watching silently as the world Kate Beckett knew fell apart. "Mr. Castle; can you keep an eye on things here while I locate Agent Highland?" she asked.
"Of course," he said with a nod; thinking to himself that he wasn't sure there was much anyone could do if Kate chose to explode.
Gates left the room, leaving them all behind as Jim returned to the chair next to Johanna; his hand reaching for hers to offer her comfort but she pulled it away, reaching for their daughter's hand instead. "Jo," Jim murmured; "Please."
"Please what?!" Johanna exclaimed; another burst of emotion surging forward.
"I just want to hold your hand," he said quietly; knowing that in the past his touch had always soothed her…just as her touch had always soothed him and he desperately wanted to touch her; ached to wrap his arms around her and never let her go. "Please?"
Johanna looked away from him; her heart and mind at war; too many feelings swirling around inside her head, making it pound as her stomach churned.
"I just want to hold your hand," he coaxed; "Even if it's just for a minute…just let me hold your hand."
"Why should she?" Kate asked tartly; her own emotions in upheaval. "She's wanted you to hold her hand for thirteen years and didn't get what she wanted so why should you?"
"It's your mother's decision to make, Katie," Jim replied; trying not to lose his patience.
Kate eyed him coolly. "If she wanted you to touch her; she would've already let you…take a hint."
Anger flared in his veins. "Don't take that tone with me, Katherine Houghton," he remarked firmly.
She smirked at him. "I'm not fourteen anymore; you don't scare me with the usage of my middle name."
Johanna rose from her chair, taking a deep breath as she did so. "Mom, are you okay?" Kate asked; squeezing her hand.
"No, I need to throw up," Johanna replied as she tried to steady her stomach but she felt like it was an exercise done in vain.
"Breathe," her daughter coaxed. "Just take a few breaths."
She shook her head. "Katie; I'm serious; I really need to throw up."
"Castle," Kate said as she tugged her mother along with her; "If Gates comes back; tell her we're in the bathroom."
"No problem," he replied, opening the door for the women so they could slip out quickly.
Jim rose from his chair and paced the floor; frustration filling him. He hadn't thought it would be this hard…he hadn't thought for a moment that he'd be denied the simple privilege of reaching out and touching his wife.
Castle cleared his throat and caught Jim's attention. "I think for the time being you should back of the touching thing," he suggested.
Jim's jaw tightened. "Who are you to tell me not to touch my wife? You're not a cop."
Castle's brow rose. "What makes you so sure?"
"Because I'm not stupid; you're that writer that follows my daughter around."
"So you know about the books?" he asked.
"Yeah, I know," Jim said as he eyed him; "And I don't particularly like the hint of a slutty side that you've given the character. My daughter was raised with morals."
"I know that," Castle replied; schooling himself not to take the criticism personally; after all, if some man wrote such scenes about his daughter, he'd probably feel the same way. "Nikki's relationships are what make the character fictional."
"God forbid the world have a character with morals."
"Nikki has morals."
"I'm not going to argue with you about it," Jim said, squeezing his forehead, a headache of his own forming. "Your books are the least of my worries."
"Yeah; they probably should be," Castle stated; his tone flat. "You do have much bigger problems…because whatever you thought was going to happen here today isn't going to happen."
"We'll work it out," Jim replied; "I just have to get them to listen to me."
"Your wife might listen…but Kate isn't; not anytime soon. She's been through too much to just accept you point blank. You have no idea what you're up against."
His blue eyes turned as cold as ice as he sized up the man who wanted to tell him about his daughter. "I think I know my daughter; I did help raise her for nineteen years. I know she's stubborn but eventually she comes around. I know her."
"You knew the teenager," Castle retorted; "She's a woman now; a woman who's been through more than you can imagine because of you…so don't think for a minute that she's going to make it easy on you because she's not."
Jim eyed him. "And I take it that you're going to encourage her rejection?"
"I didn't say that. I just said it wasn't going to be easy for you and it's not. Kate's not going to wake up tomorrow and accept you. Like I said; your wife might…but you've got your work cut out for you in regard to Kate."
Jim clamped his lips together knowing that it was useless to fight back against the claims. He didn't like having this man act like he didn't know his own daughter and her traits but he said nothing and kept his thoughts to himself. He already had too many thoughts at war in his mind; wondering if he'd ever get them to listen…if they'd ever forgive him…if he had made a mistake leaving Virginia.
Kate stood in the precinct bathroom, her heart pounding as she watched her mother take deep breaths in effort to keep her stomach from rebelling. She wasn't sure her mother could get any paler…and she wasn't sure she'd be able to hold down the contents of her stomach much longer but she gave her credit for trying and hoped she could hold off until they made it home. Kate closed her eyes, schooling herself to breathe deeply as well…she felt like she had been thrust into the past; landing in January 1999…her heart had been pounding then too…her mother had thrown up that night until there was nothing left to come up but the acid of her stomach. They had been pale…lost…her mother's hands shaking so badly that she could hardly dial the numbers of the phone to contact family. She forced her eyes open; her own stomach feeling queasy but she breathed deeply once more, forcing the feeling to settle. "Are you okay, Mom?" she murmured.
"No," Johanna whispered. "I want to be…but I'm not. I want to be happy…I should be happy."
"You don't have to be happy about being lied to for thirteen years," Kate said darkly; her tone low and even. "You don't have to be happy…you don't owe him anything."
Johanna squeezed her eyes shut. "All these years I wished to have him back…had dreams about it being some mistake…and now that's happened and I'm not doing the things I should be doing. I don't feel the way I should," she said softly; her voice clogged with tears.
"You can't expect to," Kate told her; "Dreams aren't reality…reality is a lot uglier than dreams, Mom. He's lied to us for thirteen years…he didn't say a word to us…didn't even try to. You don't have to feel happy; you don't just brush that under the rug. That's not how it works…he doesn't seem to know that but we do."
"I feel like a fool," her mother whispered through her tears.
"For what? You didn't do this."
"I feel like a fool for all the times I've sat in the cemetery…thinking I was telling him everything going on in our world…for 'talking' to him at home; thinking he can hear me…that he's been with me all this time…and don't get me wrong, I don't want him to be dead; I've never wanted that…but now I feel like a fool for talking to an empty grave all these years. I feel as crazy as people said I was."
She gave in to the urge to wrap her arms around her mother as they remained rooted in place by the sink. "You're not crazy," Kate whispered. "You're not a fool…you didn't do this; he did."
Johanna clung tightly to her daughter. "I know I should be in there with him…letting him hold my hand…letting him hug me like he tried to do when he came in the room but I just can't. All I want to do is scream….I just want to scream at him and ask him how this could happen…how he could do this to us."
"Scream at him if you want…I'm not going to stop you."
"Your boss already lectured about the volume of my voice."
"Fuck her and her lectures," Kate said quietly; "It's not her life that keeps getting turned inside out. If it was her, she'd be in there yelling."
"She said she can handle you better than I can."
Kate scoffed. "In her dreams."
Johanna pulled away from her daughter, taking another steadying breath as her stomach rolled and threatened to betray her. Betrayal, she thought to herself…she felt a deep sense of betrayal…she didn't feel like she should; after all, she didn't want her husband to die and she was glad he was alive…but to have been living for so long, she couldn't help feeling betrayed. He said he had been in Virginia…had he been there the whole time? What did he do there? If he really had caught a glimpse of her at Virginia Beach, why didn't he walk up to her then? Why not tell her then regardless of what had been settled? Why didn't he call her from a payphone in Virginia thirteen years ago and tell her the truth? He could've instructed her to carry on as a widow while allowing her to know the truth…allowing her to share the truth with their daughter. If they had known; they could've made very discreet visits once or twice a year. It wouldn't have been easy…but it would've been easier than the hell she had been living in for thirteen years. It would've been easier than the hell she felt like she was in now. "I don't know how to do this, Katie," she whispered. "When I finally decided to retire, I felt like maybe I was finally getting things together…because I wasn't retiring to please anyone but me…so I thought if I was doing that for myself then maybe I was getting on track…I was leaving the law behind; Maggie's moving home and we've got a list of things we want to do like girls trips and yoga classes. I told Elizabeth we'd get out more and I let Columbia know I was interested in a permanent part-time position if one should open up. I though maybe I was turning things around a little…and now…now I feel like I did back then…like life is in shambles and I don't know what to do."
"You don't have to do anything."
Johanna raked her fingers through her hair, hating the slight tremble of her hand that she glimpsed in the mirror. "I hate feeling like I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
"I know; I hate that feeling too," she replied. "This was the last thing I expected when Gates called and told me to come back to the precinct. I didn't even know you were here until after she told me the story."
"Hearing that your Captain was on the phone wasn't a good feeling," her mother told her quietly. "My first thought was that you were hurt…again; but she assured me that you were fine. Then I asked if you had been arrested…I thought maybe someone pushed you too far and you snapped…"
"I'd call you myself if I had been arrested," Kate remarked; "I'd need a lawyer and bail money and you're my one stop shop for that."
Johanna laughed softly but the gesture soon dissolved into tears once more. "She told me you hadn't been arrested or fired…not that I would've been upset about you being fired."
"I know," she said; allowing her mother to ramble. "But it's too late to go back to law school."
"It's never too late…but I know I'll never change your mind," her mother said with a sigh. "If all of this hadn't happened; you'd be a lawyer now…and maybe we could've had our own firm like we talked about when you were still in high school deciding what path to take. I always liked the idea of us working together…of you taking over when I was ready to retire."
"That would've been nice," Kate murmured; feeling an ache at the mention of that long forgotten dream of a mother/daughter law firm.
"When your Captain called, she said she wanted me to come down here because it was about your father's case…and I didn't want to do it, Katie. I didn't want to come down here and unpack that box again…I didn't want to know whatever it was she had to say when she implied there was a case angle we were unaware of. I didn't want to hear it…afraid it would be something that would drag you under again…afraid that someone somewhere was trying to paint a tainted image of your father; making him out to be one of those typical shady lawyers and I wasn't going to stand for it or believe it because I knew my husband…and now he's sitting in there and I feel like he's a stranger…"
"He is," her daughter replied. "We don't know him…we don't know who he is now…and part of me isn't even convinced that it's really him. I mean are you sure? Because the knowledge of the ring being absent at the proposal just isn't enough to convince me one hundred percent. You might have told someone and forgot…he could've told someone long ago and they remembered. It's just not enough for me."
"It's him, Katie; I'm sure it is."
"I'm not all that sure."
"Maybe it's because you're angry," Johanna suggested as she sniffled. "You have every right to be angry…look at everything you've been through…everything you did to resolve this case. You gave things up for this case…and you know how I felt about that…especially last summer. You have to be angry."
"I'm livid," Kate confirmed.
Johanna nodded. "I don't blame you…when the Captain called with her spiel getting me down here, all I could think about was it must be something bad if she was calling me before you…that I needed to come down here and deal with it so it wouldn't fall on you…like the whole damn thing already has…"
Kate shook her head. "You didn't put the case on me, Mom; I did that myself. I made the choice; not you."
"I should've done what you asked…I should've quit my job and then you wouldn't have become a cop…but then the case would still be unresolved…so it's one of those double edge sword things."
"You're wrong," she replied; "I was still going to be one even if you quit…I just…I wanted you to quit because I didn't want the same thing to happen to you. I made the choices…and I would've made the same ones either way…and I know my choices contributed to the spirals you went through back then."
"No," Johanna said softly; "That was me…I didn't know how to deal with the pain and the grief…just like I don't know how to deal with what we know today."
"I know your pain and grief was the primary cause…but I added to it," Kate stated. "I don't like to admit it but it's true. I transferred schools and came home to be with you and then moved right back out, leaving you alone. I left the damn country at one point…and I didn't stay in good contact. I know you worried…that you've always worried but that you've worried about me even more after Dad di…," she trailed off. "I know you worry because of my job…I know I'm part of the reasons for the various cycles you've gone through over the years."
"Those spirals as you call them were my own fault; I should've been stronger."
"No; you've always been strong…you shouldn't have been lied to for thirteen years."
Johanna blew out a shaky breath. "What are we going to do, Katie?"
"I don't know. Like I said; I'm still not entirely convinced. It's going to take more than one piece of trivia to make me a firm believer in this thing."
"What about that Agent though? It's hard to refute that."
"I'll be checking into him later and making sure he's who he says he is," Kate replied.
Johanna breathed deeply but it didn't make her stomach feel any better. "There's just never an escape," she murmured. "For thirteen years we've dealt with this…we lost him…every part of our lives changed…you gave up your plans…I drowned in depression and grief…you chased this and I spent years feeling helpless to stop you…I watched you take a bullet for this…and then things came together and you settled the case and we thought it was over…and it's not over…it's never going to be over, Katie. It's never going to be over…because he just had to have that goddamn promotion. That's why he was taking those damn cases because he wanted to be partner so bad he couldn't stand it…and look what it cost him…what it cost all of us…and now this…and I should be happy to be in that room looking at him and I all I want to do is scream."
"No one can blame you for that," her daughter replied.
"But I do…" Johanna murmured.
"You shouldn't," Kate said, her tone bitter. "This isn't your fault; it's his…and believe me, I'm checking into this agent…and I'll check into him too to make sure he's not feeding us more lies."
"He's your father, Katie," she said; although she couldn't blame her for being skeptical.
"That's what he says…but we'll find out for sure…and even if it is him…I don't know if I can just get past this…because I can't help feeling like the man I knew, the man I grew up loving, wouldn't have done this to us."
Johanna glanced in the mirror, noting the anguished expressions on their faces; she couldn't help feeling the same way…that the man she knew and loved wouldn't have done this to her without finding a way to let her know why the action was being taken. She felt certain it was Jim…but Katie had doubts…and part of her was finding it hard to reconcile as well.
A knock on the bathroom door made them both flinch, aggravation flicking across Kate's face as she yelled "What?"
"It's me, Kate," Castle called back. "Gates is back with the Agent…are you two ready to come back?"
"We'll be there in a minute," she answered.
"Alright, I'll tell them," he answered.
Kate turned her attention back to her mother who turned on the faucet to splash some cold water in her face. "You're going to wash off your makeup," she said softly.
"I don't care," Johanna replied, cupping her hands under the cool water and bringing it to her face.
Kate grabbed some paper towels, figuring smeared makeup didn't matter much when a woman who had spent thirteen years in mourning just had her life upended again. Just that morning they had been together…talking about relationships, talking about boys with Gabby, eating breakfast like the patched together family they were. It had been a sense of normalcy…at least as normal as they could be with that empty chair at the table. They had gone off to work, anticipating typical days…she worried about her relationship with Castle; her mother prepping for a morning in court and then an afternoon at the office. Just like that day in 1999…typical, normal day that had no sign of holding the destruction that it did. Today was the same way…warmer weather but the same level of destruction.
After taking a few moments to compose themselves, Johanna and Kate returned to the conference room.
"Jo," Jim said with concern, rising from his chair as she came into the room. "Are you alright?"
"I don't know how to answer that question," she admitted, forcing herself to meet his eye.
He breathed deeply. "I know you're not okay with all of this…I just meant are you alright? You felt sick."
"I still do," she replied; wondering how many days she'd feel sick this time around. Thirteen years ago she had felt sick every day for at least two months…and back then when she had missed her period in February, she had wondered if she had been pregnant…a part of her hoping she was even though it would've been difficult to start over with a baby in her forties…even more difficult to do it without Jim…but it would've been another piece of him to hang onto. She had actually prayed that she was pregnant…that he had left with her something else to cherish…and then when the doctor told her that she wasn't pregnant and that it was just the stress and shock of the situation that had thrown off her cycle; she had felt the loss even more keenly. She was long past those days now; her cycle had ended nine years before…and a part of her had been bitter over it…of not having had another child. She had worked through those things though; knew those thoughts only stemmed from discord with Katie and the wish to have another piece of Jim living on in the world with her. She took a deep breath; trying to quell the queasiness and the rage…she had been through so much…and most of it she had gone through alone.
"Mrs. Beckett," Gates said, breaking into her thoughts.
"What?"
"You should sit down," the Captain said, gesturing to the chair beside Jim's.
She didn't want to but she would, Johanna thought as she wearily dropped into the chair appointed to her.
"Kate," Gates stated; "You should sit down as well."
"I'm fine," she replied; making no move to take the seat on the other side of her father.
"Beckett," the Captain said firmly; "Sit down."
Kate glared at her and moved toward the chair her mother was sitting on, perching on the arm of it. "Happy now?" she asked.
"Really, Katie?" Jim asked; "You can't sit down next to me?"
"No; at the moment I don't want to be too close to you," Kate retorted; "I might get tempted to shoot you."
"Give me your gun, Beckett," Gates said, stepping forward and holding out her hand.
"You can't be serious," she replied. "I'm not going to shoot him."
"I'm not asking, Detective; it's an order."
"Fine," Kate said through gritted teeth as she pulled the gun from its holster and handed it over.
Gates accepted the weapon. "I'll give it back to you when you return to work; I may as well go ahead and tell you that I'm ordering you to take a few days off…I imagine you'll have family issues to deal with."
Kate shook her head. "I don't need time off."
"You do."
"I'm in the middle of a case!"
"Ryan and Esposito will handle it," Gates remarked. "You're taking three days off…don't bother to argue."
"I can't believe this!" Kate exclaimed. "I didn't ask for it and I don't need it."
"I'll be the judge of that," her Captain remarked.
"I could go over your head," she replied.
"Katie," Johanna said; a warning note in her tone as she glimpsed the worried expression on Castle's face.
Kate fell silent, hearing the 'shut your mouth' tone of her mother's voice. Johanna glanced at the Captain. "See, you don't handle her any better than anyone else…like I figured."
"Let's get on with this," Gates stated; her patience wearing thin with the two Beckett women who were clearly running on emotion only at the moment. "Agent Highland; this is Mrs. Beckett and Detective Kate Beckett. Ladies; this is Agent Highland with the FBI who has been handling that side of Mr. Beckett's case."
"Should I leave?" Castle asked; although he didn't want to…he wanted to be there for Kate and he wanted to hear everything the agent said.
"No," Kate said; "You stay."
"I think it's a family matter, Katie," Jim stated.
"I consider him part of my family," she retorted; "I say he stays."
Jim glanced at her. "Katie; I think we should just go over this as a family."
"I don't really care what you think; I want him here," she exclaimed.
Gates sighed deeply. "Mrs. Beckett; I'll leave the decision to you…do you want Mr. Castle to leave the room or are you fine with him remaining?"
"He can stay," Johanna answered; she didn't care if he heard every detail they were about to hear; Kate would tell him anyway…and besides, her daughter needed the quiet support and she wasn't going to be the one to deny her.
"Is that fine with you, Agent Highland?" Gates asked.
He nodded. "It's fine; Mr. Castle's working relationship with Detective Beckett is well known and I know he's been a part of the case work on this."
"You stay, Mr. Castle," Gates remarked.
He nodded and fell silent as the Agent moved to the center of floor to begin his explanation. "In early January 1999, our agency was contacted by a source who told us of the contract on Mr. Beckett's life."
"And who was that source?" Kate asked.
"I'm not at liberty to tell you that, Detective. Some things must remain confidential…I'm sure you're aware of that."
"Yeah; I'm aware of federal double talk," she replied.
Johanna curled her fingers around her daughter's wrist in quiet warning; making her daughter fall silent so the agent could continue on.
"Our contact was a very reliable source; we worked with that person and found out the details of when the hit was to take place. We contacted Mr. Beckett and started making arrangements."
Johanna closed her eyes as the Agent droned on in his monotone voice about how they had planned and plotted for days to take her husband from her to save his life. She was grateful that he had been sparred…so very grateful…but it didn't take away her hurt and anger…that deep feeling of betrayal knowing he had walked around for days knowing all of this and never said a single word to her. There were so many things swirling around in her mind that she couldn't fully concentrate on the case developments that the FBI had kept up with…the name and life her husband had been given in Virginia. None of the answers solved anything for her…she was just left with more questions…more heartbreak. Agent Highland spoke of getting the news of Bracken's arrest months before…and the knowledge burned her. "Why didn't you come home then?" she asked; interrupting the Agent. "It's been months and you still stayed away…why didn't you come then?"
"I couldn't," Jim answered; "I had things to tie up…I had to wait for the okay."
"You had things to tie up," she said with a bitter laugh; "You left plenty of things untied thirteen years ago so why the hell didn't you come home as soon as that son of a bitch was behind bars!?" she couldn't help but yell. "I guess you weren't in much of a hurry to get back."
"Jo," he started to say but the agent cut him off.
"Mrs. Beckett, things have to be done properly," Agent Highland stated.
She nodded; anger and anguish on her features. "Is that why it took my daughter to solve this case? Because the FBI is so busy with it's proper doings that it couldn't find the time to actually find out who wanted my husband dead?"
"It's not as if this was our only case, Mrs. Beckett," the agent said with a clipped tone.
"I didn't say it was," she retorted; "I said you didn't try…because that's how it looks to me. Someone contacted you about this hit…so someone knew…and instead of pressing the issues or finding the evidence needed to convict; you just fake a man's death and devastate his family and leave it cold for thirteen goddamn years. The FBI stood by and did nothing to take care of this…my daughter took a bullet over this case…and where were you? Where was the FBI then?"
"We did our best," the Agent replied.
Johanna scoffed. "Well I don't think it was good enough. It wasn't you sitting in a hospital praying to God that he didn't take your only child. You didn't have to watch your baby take a bullet to the chest. I got the privilege of that…while you so called agents ran around solving every case but the one that mattered to this family…so no, I don't think you did your best. I think you did the least you could fucking do."
The Agent's eyes narrowed at her. "We saved your husband's life, Mrs. Beckett."
"Yeah; you did…and I'm grateful for that one thing and that one thing alone…but your idleness on this case almost cost me my daughter…your idleness cost me thirteen years with my husband. It cost his mother thirteen years with her son. It cost my daughter thirteen years with her father…and you waltz in here and think we're going to just give you a pat on the back like you saved the day? It'll be a cold day in hell before you get that from me."
"Me too," Kate remarked. "A very cold day in hell…and I'm still not sure I believe this whole thing."
"It's the truth, Detective," Agent Highland stated. "The FBI isn't in the business of lying about a person who has been under their protection and is now free to go."
Kate shook her head, brushing her hair back from her face as she did so. "I think the FBI does a lot of lying when it suits them…I know of an FBI crafted lie I've lived for thirteen years and before you even start your it was for the best bullshit, yeah, that might be true…but you could've done more than you did; you just chose not to. I think you knew who was behind this and the FBI was afraid to touch him."
"You're free to think what you want," the Agent replied; "As for doing more…maybe some of the families of victims of your cases feel you could've done more."
"Agent Highland," Gates said sharply; "Detective Beckett's team has one of the highest closure rates in the city."
"My daughter doesn't just brush her cases under the rug when they get tough," Johanna stated firmly.
"I meant no offense…just that as an officer of the law, she knows some cases aren't easily closed."
"Yeah, I know that," Kate replied; "But I don't just turn my back on them…I just work harder. It's too bad the FBI didn't do that in this case."
The Agent's jaw tightened. "We did what we could, Detective; whether you think so or not. Your father is alive, be grateful."
"It's not that easy," she told him; "A portion of our lives have been a lie. For thirteen years we've gone through hell because the FBI had better cases to chase…because as long as it wasn't their spouse or their parent, who cares. So you'll have to forgive me for not fawning over your agency or the man sitting next to my mother."
Agent Highland turned his attention to Jim. "I told you it wouldn't be easy. You're going to have your work cut out for you."
"I can see that," Jim replied quietly.
"If you change your mind," the Agent stated; "Give me a call and you can take option B…but that's a limited time offer."
"We'll work it out," Jim told the man; trying to keep a spark of hope alive that if he could just spend some time alone with Johanna he could bring her around…and then she could help him ease back into Katie's graces."
Agent Highland looked skeptical but he turned to Johanna. "Mrs. Beckett, do you have any further questions?"
"Yeah; how do I tell a ninety year old woman that her son is alive?" Johanna asked; wondering if her mother-in-law could stand the shock and deception that she had been living through.
"This will give Grandma another stroke for sure," Kate muttered.
"Would it be best for her health not to tell her?" Jim asked although he hated the idea of his mother not knowing the truth. "If it's going to harm her, I don't want to take that risk in regard to her…we could just not tell her."
"Are you crazy!?" Kate yelled as she abandoned her perch on the arm of her mother's chair. "Do you really think we could do that?! Mom's over there four nights a week taking care of her, do you think she's going to look her in the face and lie to her every day!? Do you think she won't take one look at Mom tonight and know that something's wrong! Look at her! Anybody with a brain can tell that she's very upset and shaken and you think we can lie to Elizabeth Beckett? Are you sure you're who you say you are because my father was never stupid."
"Don't talk to me like that, Katherine," Jim retorted. "I'm not stupid; I just want to do what's best for my mother."
"Yeah; well we can't lie to her…if we did that, we'd be know better than you and your Agent there…just going around and lying to her for months and years. We're telling her…we'll just pray to God it doesn't kill her in the process."
"We're going to have to get Andrew there too…just in case," Johanna murmured as she tried to imagine telling her mother-in-law this news.
"What time was he getting back to the city?" Kate asked; "I know you said he'd be back in time to pick Gabby up at camp."
"He sent a text saying he'd be back in the city at three, he picks Gabby up at four. We still have a little time before he picks her up…we shouldn't go over until he can be there…she won't be expecting me until after five anyway," Johanna rambled.
"Should I come over at five?" Jim asked.
Johanna's head snapped toward him. "You're not going over there today," she said sharply; "We don't even know how she'll take this…you're not going to show up there today and add to the stress on her."
"She's my mother, Johanna; I have a right to go to her."
"No, you have the right to listen to the person who's been taking care of her for the past ten years," Johanna snapped. "Your mother had a terrible stroke; she almost died, Jim. We do everything we can to keep her calm and happy, her blood pressure low and a stable routine for her to follow. We're going to tell her today…and we're going to tell her very carefully…and you're not going to be there while we tell her. She can tell us if she wants to see you…and I'm sure she will…but not until she's ready and we're sure she can handle it. I'm not going to have her drop dead on my watch…not after everything I've done to keep her with us. You'll do it our way…because if you don't and you just show up on her porch and give her a heart attack or another stroke, you'll have that on your conscience for the rest of your life."
Jim bit back a sharp retort; reminding himself that she was just looking out for his mother's wellbeing…that easing his conscience had to come second to his mother's health. "Alright, Jo; we'll do it your way."
"I know we will," she said firmly; her voice trembling slightly.
"Come on, Mom," Kate said, holding her hand out to her. "Let's go home…we've got some time before we can call Andrew…so let's just go home."
Johanna nodded; feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders and a desperate need to flee.
"Wait," Jim said; "Where am I supposed to go?"
"Back to wherever the hell you came from this morning," Kate told him.
Jim met Johanna's eye, feeling awkward for the words he was about to say. "I…I…," he stammered a little. "I had hoped to go with you…I wanted to go home."
"Are you crazy!" Kate exclaimed. "I mean seriously; are you out of whatever is left of your mind?! Did you really think you were just going to walk in here and turn her life upside down again, tell her that everything she's known for the past thirteen years is a damn lie and she was going to take you home with her!? What did you think was going to happen? She'd take you home, make you a nice home cooked meal, do your laundry and sleep with you tonight?"
"I don't have any laundry right now," he stated.
"Oh, you just wanted the house, the dinner and the sex," Kate replied; "I stand corrected."
"It's not your choice to make," Jim told her; "And all I said was that I had hoped to go home with her. Your mother is grown woman, Katie; she's capable of making her own decisions and that's what this is…her decision, not yours."
"Fine," she said; "Mom, do you want him to go home with you? If you do, I'm not going with you."
"That's not fair to her, Katie," Jim retorted; "You're making her choose between us!"
"No, I'm not…she's always going to have me…just like she's had me while you've been gone, but if she wants to take you home with her, I'm not going because I don't want to be around you and that's my decision to make. So what's it going to be, Mom?"
Johanna glanced at Jim; wondering how he could really think that everything would be fine in a matter of moments of his homecoming. Was he really that naïve? Did he really think she'd just fall at his feet so easily? She was glad that he was alive…she wished she could just throw herself into his arms and be happy again…but she felt so angry…so betrayed. She hated to feel that way when the only she had wanted for the last thirteen years was to see him again…and yet the anger was there…anger, hurt, betrayal. It was so hard to reconcile the sudden shift in reality…hard to think about telling Elizabeth that he was alive; wondering if the old woman could take the shock; wondering how Andrew would react.
No, there was just too much to deal with, to sort through…just way too much between them for her to entertain the notion of letting him go home with her. No. She felt terrible for it…but she just couldn't…and not because of Katie's ultimatum…she just couldn't do it…not today; not tomorrow either…maybe not even next week.
"I can't," Johanna said softly. "I just can't."
"You can't what?" Kate asked.
"I can't…I can't let him go with me right now," she said, closing her eyes as she said the words; aching that she had to say them aloud. She shouldn't feel this way…it had never been like this in fantasies…but she just couldn't take him home with her today. She was too angry, too hurt. She needed time.
"There," Kate said as she looked at her father. "She made her decision."
"Jo," he murmured; "Please."
She shook her head. "I can't…I just can't."
Frustration and hurt tore through him and he shoved his hands in his pockets to keep from reaching out to her. "I want to talk to my wife alone," he stated.
"She made her choice," Kate told him; "We're leaving."
"Not until I talk to my wife alone," Jim retorted. "I'm glad you're protective of your mother, Katie; but she doesn't need protected from me."
"I'm not so sure about that," his daughter replied. "You don't know what she's been through."
"Beckett," Gates stated; "I think we should leave them alone; why don't you get your things together since you're going to be taking some time off. I'll make sure there's nothing else Agent Highland needs and then everyone can be on there way."
Kate looked to her mother. "Mom?"
Johanna nodded. "It's okay, Katie; I'll be out in a minute."
She reluctantly let go of her mother's hand and moved to the door where Castle was waiting for her; they quietly slipped out behind Gates and the Agent, heading for her desk so she could grab her handbag.
"I know, it's a stupid question," Castle said; "But are you okay?"
"No," she replied; "I'm not okay with any of this."
"Is there anything I can do?" he asked.
Anguish crossed her face. "Wait up for me," she whispered. "I've got a lot to deal with this afternoon and this evening…but once we see how things go with Grandma and I get Mom back home, I'll come over…if it's okay."
"Of course it is," he murmured, discreetly catching her pinky with his. "I want to hug you so badly right now but I can't because of Gates."
"I know," she said, her voice clogged with emotion; "But it's something to look forward to later, right?"
Castle conjured up a smile for her. "Right. I'll make sure there's comfort food and wine…and no alarms going off in the morning to wake you if you manage to fall asleep."
She gave him a wobbly smile. "That sounds like just the things I'll need when I get done with all of this; wine, food…and you."
"I'll be there, I promise…and if you need me before then, just call and I'll come wherever you are."
Kate nodded and took a deep breath. "I'm going to take my Mom home…I know she still needs to throw up…she's holding it down but it's not going to last…her nerves always make her sick when she gets too worked up…so does her migraines and I can tell she's getting one, she's squinting. After some time at home, we'll call Andrew…and then we'll go break the news to Grandma…stay with her for awhile to make sure she's okay."
"It's going to be alright," Castle assured her.
"I'm not so sure," she whispered; "I'm just not sure…because every time I think things are going to be alright, something else happens to make them wrong again."
"We'll make them right again," he promised; wishing he could hold her and comfort her but knowing he couldn't until they were in the privacy of the loft. "I promise, we'll make it okay again."
Silence reigned between Jim and Johanna as they stood in the conference room and she couldn't help but find it suffocating. "What did you want to talk about?" she asked.
"I just…I want to be able to talk to you…that's why I was hoping to go with you," Jim said quietly. "Can I come over after Katie leaves?"
Johanna shook her head. "I'm not ready for you to be there, Jim. I know it hurts you…but you can't even imagine how hurt I feel right now. I just can't let you come home today. I'm sorry…I just can't do it. I need time."
He nodded; swallowing his disappointment…there'd be plenty of time to be disappointed in his hotel room. "I understand," he forced himself to say. "Can I at least give you my phone number and tell you what hotel I'll be at…in case you want to talk?"
She took a shuddering breath and opened her purse, pulling out her small notebook that she used for grocery lists and other notes about her errands. She turned to a clean page and handed it to him along with the pen.
Maybe this was a good sign, Jim thought to himself as he jotted down his information; at least she wasn't keeping the channels of communication closed…at least on his side…from her silence she wasn't going to offer her cell phone number in return…but he knew the house phone number and he could always use it.
"Will you let me know if my mother wants to see me…when you feel it's safe for her, that is," he asked as he handed her notebook back to her.
"Yeah; I'll let you know," she said softly.
"Will you tell her that I love her?"
Johanna nodded. "I'll tell her."
"Jo," he breathed, his hand reaching out toward her.
She pulled her hand back out of reflex; still unsure of what to make of him…afraid that to touch him would make him disappear as he often had in her dreams.
He sighed deeply as he met her gaze, seeing a million different things in her green eyes and the majority of them made him ache…made him hate himself for what he had done to her. "I'm sorry," he told her. "I know I'll never be able to say it enough but I am."
"I know," she murmured.
"I never wanted to hurt you."
"But you did," Johanna whispered; "In ways that can't be fathomed. I'm glad you're alive, Jim…I am…I just…."
"I know," he said quietly; forcing himself not to reach out again. "I love you…I never stopped."
Johanna closed her eyes, her chin quivering, desperate to say the words back to him but her tongue felt tied and she couldn't form the words. She felt the soft brush of his lips against her cheek and she flinched, her eyes opening. "I have to go," she said softly, stepping back from him. "Katie's waiting for me."
Jim nodded. "It's okay, sweetheart…you go ahead…but if you want to talk later…you call, okay? Because I'll answer…even if it's just to yell at me, okay?"
"Okay," she managed to say but she was unsure if she'd be able to dial the number so soon.
He moved to the door and opened it for her, standing by, beckoning her to go first. She stepped out, her eyes finding her daughter who waited across the hallway for her. She glanced back at Jim; part of her worried that she might not see him again while at the same time she was ready to flee.
"It's alright, Jo," Jim said quietly. "I understand."
Johanna took a shaky breath and moved across the hallway to where her daughter stood. Jim watched as her hand reached for their daughter's and he wasn't sure who was leading who toward the elevator but he couldn't help but feel like he was watching his life walk away from him for the second time in over a decade. He swallowed hard; wondering if he'd ever be able to make things right…if he'd ever get to go home with his wife. For a brief time, even despite their anger, he had felt whole and right just from being in the same room with them. But now they were stepping onto the elevator and soon the doors would conceal them from his eyes and he couldn't help but feel alone once more. So much for his homecoming, Jim mused; another night to spend alone…with days of uncertainty to follow.
A/N: We'll tell Elizabeth in the next chapter.