A/N: Thanks for your reviews; I'm so glad you're all enjoying this little indulgence of mine; it's greatly appreciated!
Chapter 12
Kate sat on the foot of her bed in her old bedroom, her head in her hands as her mother emptied her stomach in the bathroom down the hallway. She could've waited downstairs…but she had followed her mother out of old habits and when she had turned for the bathroom, she had made her way to her room to wait…just as she had thirteen years before and she couldn't help feeling like she had been thrust into the past; a relatively normal day turned upside down…and here she was, back in her old room, posters of 90s rock bands still on the walls…the purple comforter she had picked out when she was fifteen was still on the bed. Her mother didn't change things often…especially not after the incident of January 1999. No, the house was the same as it had been the last time he walked out the door with the exception of new appliances and flat screen televisions. His desk was still in the office…she knew some of his clothes were still hanging in the closet…his cologne still sitting on the dresser in her mother's bedroom. The contents of his nightstand were untouched with the exception of tucking away the book he had been reading at the time.
Kate breathed deeply; her mother hadn't been able to bear making too many changes…it was three months before she had talked her into cleaning off his desk…it had taken six months to convince her to pack away the majority of his clothes…another six to clean out his drawer in the bathroom. Even with those things accomplished; traces of him remained…not just in her mother's bedroom but everywhere in the house; his favorite coffee mug was still in the cupboard in the kitchen; his golf clubs still in the back corner of the closet downstairs…the diplomas they had taken off the wall of his office were hung in the office downstairs despite her telling her mother it was stupid to hang up his diplomas when he was gone. She hadn't agreed…clearly hadn't been able to stand the thought of the home office now solely being hers.
All that pain they had gone through…the pain that had etched itself into the house that had once been a happy home until that day. So many years of pain…of questions that had gone unanswered; of watching her mother fight against bitterness as she grew older without him…watching herself become something other than what any of them had wanted; herself included.
And it had all been based on a lie.
She surged to her feet and paced the room, listening to the muted sound of water running in the bathroom. They had been living a damn lie…hurting and mourning all this time…and he was out there, living his life while they struggled to put the pieces back together. Thirteen years ago she had sat in that very room and cried until she couldn't cry anymore; feeling how empty the house felt knowing that he wasn't coming back. Today all she had was a lump in her throat and fury licking her veins. He just waltzed back into their lives like nothing had happened, like thirteen years hadn't passed and had the audacity to think that they were just going to pick up where they had left off. She didn't know what land of delusion he was living in but it wasn't going to happen…at least not for her…and she hoped her mother thought long and hard about it too. Who did he think he was just expecting things to be fine within moments? To actually stand there and say he expected to go home with his wife…the wife he had left behind to mourn while he was hidden away.
She knew she be happy or relieved…but she wasn't; the sudden presence of Jim Beckett didn't bring her any feeling of relief…and she couldn't find it within her to be happy at the moment. Kate roughly raked her fingers through her hair; she had never wanted him to die…and it wasn't that she wasn't glad that he hadn't…it was just that she couldn't help feeling so angry inside about the whole thing, the years lost, the pain and the hurt…and the way he just showed up out of the blue like he had just come home from a business trip and expected them to run into his arms and shower him with affection like always.
Who did he think he was? Did they even know who he was anymore? She didn't think they did and a part of her still had doubts despite the presence of a so called FBI agent and that fact that the man in question did look and sound like her father. It was just so hard to wrap her head around all of it. Why now? Why now when she was finally getting her life together did he have to upset things once again? What did he hope to accomplish? What was he going to do; was he back in the city to stay or had he just come home for long enough to ease his conscience before he headed back to Virginia and whatever he had left there. What did he do there…did he have another family there that he had started during his time away? God she hoped not; if he did, it would surely do her mother in…or worse; she might pull out the gun and shoot him on the spot and she'd have to help cover up the crime by making it self defense.
It was just too much, Kate thought to herself…just entirely too much. Her mother was right; it was never going to be over. It just wasn't in the cards for them to move on no matter how hard they tried. Tears stung her eyes at that thought but she blinked them back as she heard the squeak of the bathroom door opening. She turned toward the door, watching as her mother moved to her own bedroom, slipping across the threshold without a word. She followed behind her; unsure of what to do or what to say…and it reminded her once again of how things had been long ago.
"Mom, are you okay?" she asked; noting that her mother's face was washed clean of makeup and that she was still pale as she made her way to the dresser.
"No," Johanna murmured as she took off her bracelet and laid it in her jewelry box. "I don't know how to be okay right now, Katie. I want to be but I just can't yet."
"It's alright," Kate replied softly; "It was a stupid question anyway; of course you're not okay."
Johanna pulled the drawer of the dresser open and took out a pair of leggings and a pale pink t-shirt. "You're not alright either," she said softly. "Don't say you are because you're not…you can't fool me."
"I know…and I know I'm not okay. I'm not okay with any of this."
Johanna quickly changed clothes and then pulled her daughter into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry, Katie," she said softly.
"It's not your fault; you didn't do it."
"I know…but I know how hard you were trying to put all of this behind you so you could move on and now we're right back in the thick of it."
"We'll get through it; one way or another," Kate replied as she sank into her mother's embrace; holding on to her tightly.
"I hope so."
"We will…we always do."
"Every time I think it can't get any harder, it gets harder," Johanna remarked.
"I wish I knew how to make it better," her daughter murmured.
"You're not supposed to…I'm the mother…I'm supposed to make things better…and I've been failing for a long time now," she replied quietly.
Kate shook her head as she released her. "You haven't…none of this was within your control."
Johanna turned away and paced the room. "He wanted to come home."
"He should've known it wasn't going to be that easy."
"I feel terrible," her mother stated; "All these years I wanted him home and then I told him no…and I know it was the only answer I could give right now but still…I feel like some kind of fraud."
"He's the fraud!" Kate yelled. "You don't need to feel guilty for anything; you didn't do this and there's no way in hell that you should let him just waltz through the door and make himself at home. This isn't his home anymore…it stopped being his home the minute he started leaving us in the dark…because you heard what was said, Mom; this was in the works days before it even went down…he looked you in the face for days, knowing what he was going to do to us…and we never suspected a thing was wrong. That's how easy it was for him to lie to us…he acted completely normal. He laid beside you every one of those nights knowing he was leaving you…in my opinion, you should've told him to go straight to hell."
"He's your father, Katie."
"No, he's not. He stopped being my father when he abandoned us without a second fucking thought. Because that's what he did. He could've told us…even if he had waited until his fake funeral was over and called us from wherever the hell he was, he could've let us know…but he chose not to and even when Bracken was arrested months ago, he still didn't hurry home…so why the hell should you welcome him home with open arms and why should I care if he's my father or not? I haven't had one all of these years…I'm used to it."
Johanna was quiet; she couldn't argue her daughter's right to be angry and she was too raw for suggestions that she might one day want to be open to the idea of having him in her life. She'd like for her daughter to have her father back…but it wasn't going to happen anytime soon; there was too much hurt, too much anger. She reached out and put the photo of Jim on her nightstand face down…she'd like to have her husband back but right now she couldn't even bear to look at his picture. There was just too much on her mind…too much to sort through and it weighed heavily on her shoulders.
It was all just too much…in some ways she felt numb once again…her brain muddled and her heart raw. How much was she supposed to take? Johanna wondered as she paced the length of the room once again…turning down the photo of Jim on the dresser as well. She felt torn between wanting him and wanting to unleash thirteen years of rage upon him.
"Mom," Kate said; watching as her mother sank further into her thoughts.
"What?" Johanna asked.
"Did you send the message to Andrew asking him to meet us at Grandma's?"
"Yeah; he'll be there around four-thirty…he wanted to know more but I didn't want to tell him in a text message. I told him we'd tell them both when we get there. I don't know how we're going to tell them…I sat through being told myself and I still don't know how to do it because part of me is still convinced that this is some kind of weird dream I'm going to wake up from any moment."
"We're just going to have to be blunt about it, I guess," Kate offered. "I feel like that's how it was done to us…a little tip toeing and then straight to bluntness. I guess really there isn't any other way."
"I wish I had a glass of wine right now," Johanna said without meaning to.
"That's the last thing you need," Kate said sharply.
"I know…but the feeling is there just the same."
"Don't get started on that again, Mom."
"I'm not," she said hotly; "It was just a fleeting thought, I didn't even mean to say it out loud. You already searched the house; you know I don't have anything."
Kate forced herself to take a breath. "I know…I'm sorry. I just don't want this to send you into a tailspin."
Her mother cut her a sharp look. "I'll do my best to keep my pieces glued together, Katie. I know what a burden I am to you already."
"Mom," she sighed; "Let's not fight, okay? We have enough problems."
Johanna sank down on the foot of the bed, her head in her hands. "I'm sorry," she told her. "I don't want to fight."
"I know," her daughter replied as she sat down next to her. "I don't want to fight either…not with you anyway."
"I know," Johanna assured as she tried to suppress a wave of emotion that threatened to turn her into a sobbing mess. She was sure her daughter didn't want to see that…and she didn't want her to have to see it. It could wait until later…she'd fall apart when she was alone.
"What's going on?" Elizabeth Beckett asked as she watched Andrew and Gabby move into her living room followed by Johanna and Katie.
"I don't know," Andrew said honestly; "All I was told was to meet Jo and Katie here."
Elizabeth studied her daughter-in-law and granddaughter with trepidation sliding down her spine. "Who died?" she asked. "Was it William?"
"No," Kate replied; "As far as I know Uncle William is alive and well in Germany."
"Is it Michael?" she asked; her hand pressing against her chest as anxiety filled her. "He's got the high blood pressure…and that twit of a wife who's never taken proper care of him. Did they find him in his office?"
"Michael's fine," Andrew stated; "I talked to him earlier…he is still fine, isn't he?"
"He's fine as far as I know," Kate told them; feeling a headache stirring above her eyes.
"Madelyn?" Elizabeth asked. "She doesn't come around often…she's always mad that I won't go in a nursing home. Did something happen to her? Did she fool around with the wrong married man?"
"No, Grandma."
"Then who died?" she demanded to know as Johanna sat down next to her.
"No one died," Kate answered.
"Someone had to…look at your mother…look at you…something's wrong," Elizabeth stated. "Something's very wrong."
"Grandma, we have to talk to you," Kate said, raking a hand through her hair as she perched on the edge of the coffee table.
"Yes, I've sensed that," Elizabeth retorted; "I'm not a ninny; you all didn't just troop in here for quality time. This is your mother's day…and while I like seeing you all on any day you want, I know something is going on. Look at your mother; she looks like she's seen a ghost."
Kate breathed deeply; noting that her mother still looked as destroyed as she had the precinct and that she seemed to be lost in a haze of her own thoughts and feelings. "Yeah, well…I guess in a way you can say that."
Elizabeth looked to her daughter-in-law. "Johanna, what's wrong? I haven't seen you be this quiet in a long time…it's terrifying…you're pale…I don't like this."
Johanna shook off her reverie enough to reach for her mother-in-law's hand. "I'm alright, Liz; it's just…it's hard to talk about and we're going to have to…but I just don't know how."
"Just spit it out like you usually do," she replied; her fingers tightening around Johanna's.
"It's about Dad," Kate said slowly.
Pain flicked across Elizabeth's face. "Are they letting that monster go?"
"No…Grandma, this is…difficult to explain."
"Just do it, Katherine," Elizabeth demanded. "I'm an old woman; I can't take this tip toeing around, so just tell me…was he involved in something terrible that has come to light?"
"No, the thing is…he's not dead."
Elizabeth stared at her unblinkingly for a long minute. "What the hell are you talking about?" she seethed. "I was at the damn funeral the same as the two of you were."
"And I was at the morgue with your mother," Andrew exclaimed.
"I know…," Kate replied; "But it was all set up… his death was faked by the FBI and he was placed in witness protection until the person who had a contract on him was caught. Now that Bracken has been arrested, he was free to come home if he wanted…and he has."
Elizabeth reached for Johanna, pulling her into the circle of her arms as best she could. "No," she said; "No; it has to be some lie, Katie. How can you let someone do this to your mother? Look at her; she can hardly even speak. No, I refuse to believe it."
"Katie, this can't be true," Andrew echoed. "Stuff like that only happens in the movies."
"No, actually it doesn't," she said quietly; "It happens more often than people think…I just never thought it would happen to us."
"Are you sure it's even him?" Andrew asked. "How do we know it's not someone posing as him? Maybe those Bracken bastards hired someone to pose as him."
Kate watched as her mother sank into the embrace of her grandmother, her eyes closed and her chin quivering with the sobs she was trying to hold back. "We saw him at the precinct…Mom saw him before I did."
Elizabeth swallowed hard. "Was it him, Johanna?" she asked, her tone soft.
"Yes," she murmured. "It was him."
"Katie," Andrew said; "Are you a hundred percent sure?"
"All I know is what I saw and heard from him and from the FBI Agent who accompanied him. The man I saw looks like him and sounds like him but I'd be lying if I said I was having an easy time wrapping my head around all of this. I'd like more proof but I haven't had time to collect it yet. I did make some calls to my team and I've having them research the name that he was supposedly going by all these years…I'm also going to look into the Agent."
"So you're not sure you believe it's him," her uncle remarked.
"I don't know what to believe," Kate replied, her voice sharper than intended.
"It's him," Johanna said as she pulled away from Elizabeth's embrace. "I know it's him."
"Where is he?" Elizabeth demanded to know. "I'll know for sure…he's my son; a mother knows her son. Where is he?"
"At a hotel," Johanna answered. "He wanted to come…but I told him no."
Elizabeth's eyes widened, a flicker of anger in their blue-grey depths. "Why would you do that?"
"Because I thought we should tell you first but he just showed up on your doorstep," Johanna replied.
"You had no right," her mother-in-law replied. "He's my son! I want to see my son!"
"I told him I would let him know when you were ready," she remarked.
"You had no right to make that decision for me!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "Who do you think you are; acting like I can't handle seeing my child!?"
"Grandma," Kate said firmly; "Mom was only doing what she felt was best for you; we were worried that the news would cause you to have another stroke. We just thought it would be best to break the news first and then you could tell us if you wanted to see him."
"Why wouldn't I want to see him!" her grandmother exclaimed. "He's my son…I haven't seen him in thirteen years!"
"Mom, calm down," Andrew said; keeping his tone gentle. "I'm sure you'll see him…Jo, do you know how to get in contact with him?"
"Yes," she said softly. "I told him I'd let him know."
"You should've brought him," Elizabeth said angrily. "How could you make that choice for me? He could've waited outside while you told me. I may be an old woman but I'm not that damn fragile!"
"I didn't mean to imply that you were," Johanna remarked; "I just worried about your health…this is a big shocking thing, Liz…I wasn't sure my heart could take it."
"I'm not weak!" Elizabeth declared. "I don't need you deciding what I can and can not handle! Telling my son to stay away from me."
"I didn't tell him to stay away forever; I just said I'd let him know when you were ready to see him."
"Well I don't see you dialing the damn phone!"
Johanna's hands shook as she opened her purse and pulled out the notebook Jim had written his information in. She picked up Elizabeth's cordless phone from the endstand and dialed the number. The line rang until the voicemail clicked on; identifying him as Robert Stafford which made her frown as she listened to the recording. When it beeped she left her message. "Your mother wants to see you; drop by any time you want," she stated before ending the call.
Kate gave her a puzzled look. "Did he answer or did you leave a message?"
"It went to voicemail," Johanna replied.
"For a man so big on reunions, you'd think he'd be answering his phone," Kate remarked.
"Maybe he's busy," Johanna stated as she rose from the sofa, feeling restless and knowing that she had earned her mother-in-law's ire.
"Doing what?" Kate asked; "It isn't like he has a job here…he's not out visiting family and friends unless he's trying to give everyone a stroke."
"I don't know, Katie," she said sharply. "Maybe he's taking a shower; maybe he's asleep…maybe he's half way back to Virginia; I don't know!"
"Did you two send him away!?" Elizabeth asked.
"No, we didn't send him away," Kate stated. "He wanted to go home with Mom but she said no; he told her he was staying at a hotel."
"You told him no?" Elizabeth asked as Johanna paced.
"Yes…because I'm not ready…I just found out thirteen years of my life have been a lie; I can't just take him home and make him dinner and crawl in bed with him and pretend nothing happened. I wish I could…but I can't. I'm sorry."
"What if he leaves?" her mother-in-law asked.
"Then he's not the man I know and apparently he had no real intention of staying," Johanna retorted although it pained her to say the words.
"But you got to see him," Elizabeth said; tears in her voice. "I didn't."
"He'll come over, Liz," she replied; "He wants to see you…and if he did leave, which I don't think he did; I will personally drive you to Virginia to see him."
"Is that where he's been?" Andrew asked.
"Yes," Kate answered; before she told them everything they had learned that day.
When she finished, Andrew breathed deeply. "I guess the only way I'm going to fully believe it is to see him for myself," he stated. "I hope it's true…I'd like to have my brother back."
"I'm going to do some investigating," Kate stated; "For my own peace of mind."
"Don't you want him back?" Elizabeth asked. "He's your father…your mother says it's him; why isn't that good enough for you?"
"Because I know my mother runs primarily on emotion," her granddaughter replied. "I know much she'd like to have him back…and that that need could cloud her judgment. I know it looks like him and sounds like him…and by all accounts it is him, but I'll feel better looking into it myself."
"My judgment wasn't clouded," Johanna snapped. "I told you; he told me something only he and I would know."
"Yeah; I know your story about the ring, Mom; but one piece of your relationship trivia just doesn't do it for me so I'm looking into it further," Kate said as she abandoned her perch on the coffee table.
"I just wish you had brought him with you," Elizabeth stated; "I could've laid all the doubts to rest; he's my son. A mother knows her son…I need to see my son," she said, a cry rippling through her voice.
"You'll see him, I'm sorry I didn't bring him, I thought I was doing the right thing," Johanna said; doing her best to hold onto the ounce of patience she had left. "I know you're mad at me but do you want me to still make your dinner or do you want me to leave?"
"You can make dinner," Elizabeth told her. "There's soup out there in the freezer; defrost it and warm it up…make some sandwiches. We'll just eat light tonight. If you had brought Jimmy; we could've thrown something together for a nice meal for him."
Johanna breathed deeply. "I said I was sorry; what more do you want?"
"Don't give me your attitude," her mother-in-law snapped. "You always did think you could make decisions for everyone."
"That's not true!" she exclaimed; "But don't worry; the next time someone comes back from the dead, I'll tell them to come on over and tell you themselves."
"That suits me just fine," the old woman retorted.
"Fine," Johanna said, storming out of the room to head to the kitchen.
"Grandma," Kate said sharply. "Mom wasn't trying to hurt you so quit acting like she committed a crime."
"That's easy for you to say; it's not your child. I hope to God you never know the pain of losing a child…it's a pain you can't begin to fathom," Elizabeth said; her voice cracking.
"I know how much it hurt you," Kate replied; "But I don't think you should jump the gun and get so attached to the idea of him right now."
"Why the hell not?" her grandmother asked.
"Because we don't know anything about him right now."
"You don't want me to believe it's him…but your mother said it is and that's good enough for me. If it wasn't really Jimmy, he wouldn't want to see me! Any fool knows a mother knows her child. A pretender wouldn't come near me."
"Well if he's so worried about seeing people, why didn't he answer the phone? Why hasn't he called back?" Kate retorted.
"He probably figures you're still here and he doesn't want to hear your tantrums and hear your mother saying that she doesn't want him at home."
"Why should she! Look at what he's done to her…to all of us! Mom's been here for you; he hasn't!"
"That's enough," Andrew said; his voice firm. "Nothing's going to be settled this way. Katie; you're grandmother wants her son back and no one can blame her for that. Mom, Katie and Johanna are hurting right now and you need to remember that. We'll get it all worked out one way or another. If Jim doesn't call or come around by tomorrow evening, I'll go find him; okay?"
"Okay," Elizabeth said as she reached for her cane and rose from the sofa.
"Where are you going?" Andrew asked.
"To check on dinner."
"Jo's barely started, Mom."
"Mind your own business," she said quietly as she slowly made her way to the threshold of the room. She cursed the stroke and age for robbing her of the ability to sweep from a room with the same speed and flourish she had thirty years before but she supposed it was a small price to pay to still be around at her age. She swallowed hard as she made her way to the kitchen, her heart in turmoil as she thought of her son…and her daughter-in-law…because Katie was right; Johanna had been there for her for the past thirteen years.
It felt like it took forever but eventually Elizabeth made her way across the threshold of the kitchen; seeing the slight tremble of her daughter-in-law's hand as she buttered bread to toast in the oven for their sandwiches. "Johanna," she said quietly as she moved toward her.
Johanna flinched at the sound of her name and hurried to wipe away the tears on her cheeks before she glanced back at the old woman. "Did you change your mind?" she asked; doing her best to keep her voice from wavering.
"About what?" Elizabeth asked as she stepped up to the counter.
"About me staying?"
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "And I…"
"You what?" Johanna asked.
Elizabeth met her eye. "I hope you won't stay away…I don't want you to stay away."
Johanna shook her head. "I'm not going to stay away…you should know by now that you can't get rid of me that easily."
Her mother-in-law gave her a wobbly smile. "That's true…I tried before."
She nodded. "Yeah; you did…you even poisoned me."
"I didn't poison you! I just gave you a little allergic reaction; you itched a little but you were fine…and besides; I thought we put that behind us!"
"It felt like a good time to remind you of it," Johanna quipped.
"I said I was sorry."
"Yeah; twenty years later," she said with a short laugh.
"That doesn't make it less true," her mother-in-law replied. "I am sorry I did that to you…and I'm glad you never stayed away…and I don't want you to stay away now."
"I'm not going anywhere," Johanna said softly. "I am sorry though that I told Jim to wait…I was just afraid if we told you and had him here at the same time that it might be too much for you…I'm not saying you're weak or feeble but I do worry about you…because despite your best work, I do love you, you old bag."
Elizabeth smiled. "I love you too you little slut."
She gave a short laugh and then dissolved into tears despite her best effort not to fall apart. "It's alright," Elizabeth said as she reached for her. "It's alright…I didn't mean to be hard on you…I've just spent so long wanting my child back."
"I know," she cried; "I understand. I've spent thirteen years wanting my husband back and he's in the same city and I walked away from him…I told him he couldn't go home with me…and I feel terrible but I'm just not ready because I don't know how to feel."
"I know," the old woman said as she hugged her tightly. "It's alright; it's been a shock and I'd be angry too if Robert just popped up out of the blue and expected me to just act like everything should be fine five minutes later. It's alright…I'm not angry with you. You've always been a cautious person and I don't expect that to change just because of this. You'll know when you're ready to take him home…it's been a long time; you and Jimmy will need to start over in some ways."
"I haven't even thought that far ahead," Johanna admitted. "All I can think about is how badly it hurts."
"I understand," Elizabeth replied; "It'll be alright…I'm sure Jimmy understands why you're not ready to let him go home with you. He'll make amends though…he always does. You are open to forgiving him, aren't you?"
"Of course…I know he left to stay alive…it just hurts, Liz. It hurts to have been lied to for so long…to have gone through so much because of this damn case….a case he took for a goddamn promotion that he didn't need."
Her mother-in-law nodded as she released her, her aged fingers reaching out and wiping away the tears on Johanna's cheeks. "Maybe you need to tell him that…maybe you need to let him know…and then you won't feel so angry anymore and you can work through the rest."
Johanna took a breath, doing her best to bring herself back under control. "I do need to talk to him again…my brain is just muddled right now; I've got a hundred different things running through my mind and I don't know what to do with any of them."
"That's alright…I feel the same way…desperate to see my son…worried about what this means for all of us…confused and hurt…hopeful…afraid it's a dream and tomorrow he'll be gone again," Elizabeth said quietly.
"I couldn't even let him touch me," she murmured; "He wanted to hold my hand and I kept pulling away…because I was upset…and because part of me worried he'd disappear like a phantom if I touched him."
"How did he look?" Elizabeth asked. "Did he look healthy?"
She nodded. "Yeah; he looked healthy; same weight and shape as he always has been. His hair is grey now…but there's no mistaking it's him…he looks to much like Robert to deny he's who he says he is."
A small smile touched the old woman's lips. "He always did favor his father the most out of all my kids."
"He still does…he's still as handsome as he always was."
"So you're positive that it's him?" Elizabeth asked cautiously.
Johanna nodded. "As positive as I can be…he did tell me something only he and I would know. I'm not saying I don't keep having doubts, because I do…because this is the last thing I ever expected but it's him, Liz; I know it is."
"Then that's all the proof I need besides seeing him with my own two eyes," she replied. "It'll all work out, Johanna. Jimmy won't accept anything less; you know how he is."
"Yeah, I know," she murmured; but she couldn't help wondering if she really knew him at all anymore but she wouldn't dare say that to Elizabeth. They had drifted back to calmer grounds now that they were alone and she wasn't going to risk that or Elizabeth's health by allowing too many of her thoughts and feelings to spill out.
It was nearly nine when Kate followed her mother up the porch steps to the front door of her childhood home. She watched as her mother hesitated to put the key in the lock and her brow furrowed, wondering why she would possibly hesitate when they had been there earlier. "What's wrong?" she asked quietly.
Johanna shook her head. "Nothing…just bad memories I guess. I can't help thinking about that night…about opening the door and hoping it would be a mistake and he'd be in there waiting for us and I could tell the cops they were wrong; that he was here and he was fine…that it was someone else's husband they had found, not mine."
She had hoped the same thing; that they'd open the door and her father would be there…apologizing for forgetting their dinner date; asking what was wrong…and within moments it would all be settled and behind them, the police sent on their way and they'd be back to normal with some mild chastening of him for making them worry. But it hadn't been that way…they had gone into the house and found it void of his presence…and it had stayed that way for thirteen years…that deep empty feeling that someone was missing who shouldn't be.
"Now we've been told it was more than a mistake…we were lied to…and if it kept him alive…then I guess lying was the only way but it's hard not to feel betrayed. If he had told me before it happened that it was the only way, I would've told him to go…I would've demanded it to keep him alive…but I wasn't given a chance…" Johanna murmured.
Kate rubbed her hand against her mother's back. "I know you would've never asked him to stay if you had known he was in danger…but you're right; you weren't given a choice to tell him to go; you weren't given the choice to know what was going on…and that's not the person we knew…at least that we thought we knew."
Johanna nodded. "Is it terrible that all I can think is I wonder what else he lied to me about? Because I can't help thinking that…what if there were a lot of things he didn't tell me. I always thought we told each other everything…with the exception of things we couldn't say in regard to our cases and stupid little things like the price of something or how the car got dented…but those lies didn't hurt anyone. I just keep thinking what else…and I hate myself for that…because I know he loved me…I just…I don't know what to think."
"I don't blame you for feeling that way," her daughter replied. "I don't think anyone would."
"Elizabeth might."
"Grandma's just bouncing between extremes right now; she'll calm down once she sees him. You weren't wrong to tell him to wait. She's happy right now but eventually she's going to be angry too…because you know her; she doesn't miss an opportunity to get mad."
"I know…she just wants to see him. He's her baby; she's been grieving for her child for thirteen years."
"We've been grieving too," Kate remarked. "You're allowed to be angry."
"I don't know how to feel," Johanna said for what felt like the hundredth time that day. "I want to be happy…I am happy he's alive…but I just don't know what to do."
"You don't have to do anything right now. I told you, I'm going to look into things…I'm going to make sure this is on the up and up…and if I see anything I don't like…he better get the hell back to Virginia because I'm not going to stand for it."
"I don't think he'd come back if there was something going on that wouldn't look good for him."
"A long time ago I would've thought that too," Kate replied; "But now I'm not so sure."
Johanna raked her hand through her hair as she leaned against the door; her gaze studying the stubborn set of her daughter's jaw. "Katie…are you going to be alright?"
"I'm fine."
"I don't think you are…it's not exactly possible…because I know I'm not completely fine."
"I'm as fine as I can be," Kate told her. "My priority is making sure we aren't being dragged into something that we know nothing about…something that could upset our lives further. We were finally getting past this…I was moving on and you were making plans for you…and I'm not going to let us get dragged into whatever he's dragging with him. I can't help feeling like if he really wanted to come home; he would've been here the day after Bracken was arrested. He would've been here when I got shot to help me figure this thing out faster but he didn't come…he stayed in his hole in Virginia and doesn't crawl out until now…months after it's over…to me it doesn't sound like a man who missed his family so badly. To me it sounds like either something else is going on or he has some motive…and I'm not sure it's going to be one we'll like."
"You don't really think he'd come here for some nefarious reason, do you?"
Kate shrugged. "I don't know, Mom; but I feel like it has to be considered…we don't know him anymore. He's a stranger…he's not the husband you knew, he's not the father I knew. We know nothing about him…so don't let him show up on the porch and just take him in because you feel it's your job. As far as I'm concerned, you stopped being his wife the day he left without even trying to let us know what was going on…he stopped being my father that day too. So don't just drop your guard because you're desperate to have him back. You don't know him…you don't know what he's about right now. So keep your distance…don't go getting sucked in."
Johanna forced herself to hold her tongue; swallowing the words that would chasten her daughter for treating her like a person who didn't have a brain or any sense. Of course she was going to be somewhat wary…of course she wasn't just going to let him come home tomorrow. Of course she still had questions and doubts; she wasn't an idiot…but she wouldn't say anything. Her daughter was hurt and angry…she wasn't allowing herself to feel much else; she wasn't allowing herself to think in any way but as a cop. It was a protective measure and for tonight she'd allow her to have it. She took a breath and pulled her daughter into a tight hug. "I'm not going to do anything stupid, Katie," she said softly. "I didn't let him come home…I'm not going to change my mind tomorrow."
Kate hugged her mother tightly. "I know…are you going to be okay tonight?"
Johanna nodded as she released her and unlocked the door, pushing it open so they could step inside. "I'll be fine."
"Maybe you should stay with Grandma."
She shook her head. "Andrew and Gabby are staying with her; she'll be fine."
"I meant stay so you wouldn't be alone."
"I've been alone for the majority of the past thirteen years, Katie; it's not anything I'm not used to."
Kate swallowed hard as she glanced away; she had abandoned her mother in a lot of ways too through the years. She had moved out quickly in the midst of their grief…she had been distant…she hadn't faked her death but she had abandoned her as quickly as possible because she hadn't been able to bear seeing the depths of her mother's grief.
"It wasn't a dig, Katie," Johanna stated. "You're a grown woman; I don't expect you to live with me. If you wanted to or needed to, you know the door is always open and that this will always be your home. You can always come home."
"I know," she said quietly; but she felt the guilt anyway and figured she always would.
"I'll be fine," Johanna promised. "You don't have to worry…I don't have any wine...and it's too dark to run."
"Don't be out driving around all night either," Kate remarked; "You had that habit too once upon a time."
"My only plans are to get a shower and take something for my headache," her mother replied.
Kate nodded. "Maybe you should eat something too…you didn't eat much at Grandma's."
"Neither did you."
"I'll hit a drive thru," Kate promised. "So you should try to eat something too."
"I'll make a sandwich or something," Johanna replied although she had no intention of doing so. Her stomach was in too many knots to think of putting anything more into it. "Do you want to stay…you can…if you don't want to be alone."
Kate shook her head, a dash of color touching her cheeks. "I told Castle I'd be over to let him know how things were going."
Johanna nodded. "You'll stay there…you don't need to be out driving around at night either for no reason."
"Yeah; I'll stay there."
"I guess now wouldn't be the time for you to have that talk with Rick we had discussed this morning," Johanna remarked.
Kate shook her head. "Definitely not…and that sounds terrible, doesn't it?"
"No…you have enough problems right now; why borrow more?"
She blew out a breath. "Yeah…I definitely don't need more. This morning feels like another lifetime."
"I know what you mean," Johanna murmured. "I remember feeling that way before."
"Yeah…me too."
"Be safe getting to Rick's," she said quietly; feeling the need to be alone for a little while.
"I will," Kate said but she paused before she could turn away. "Do you still have the spare key hidden on the back porch?"
"Yes; why? Did you lose your key?"
"No; I just think you need to bring it in," Kate said as she began to move down the hallway to the kitchen.
"But, Katie; why?" she asked as she followed her. "I like it being there in case I get locked out."
"You need to bring it in," her daughter said as she stormed to the backdoor and unlocked it; pushing through the screendoor to step out on the small back porch.
"Katie," Johanna huffed a little, a touch of annoyance in her tone as her daughter picked up the small flower pot that sat in the corner of the porch and dug through the dirt until she found the string attached to the key that was buried inside.
"If I remember it's here, he might too," she said as she put the flower pot back in its place and moved back to the door. "You don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and find him moving back into your bedroom."
"I don't think he'd do that…what if I get locked out?" Johanna asked as she followed her back inside.
"You can call me or go to Grandma's, she has a key. Besides; you're not going to get locked out; your house keys and your car key are all on the same key ring so if you have your car key, you know you have your house key. You'll be fine," Kate said as she dropped the key in the junk drawer and then washed her hands.
Johanna didn't feel up to waging the battle so she merely nodded as she relocked the backdoor. "Fine, if it will make you feel better."
"It does," she said as she dried her hands. "Keep the doors locked."
"I always do," Johanna told her; "But I don't think he'd come here to harm me…he is my husband."
"Is he?" Kate asked. "He's been supposedly dead for thirteen years. I think your marriage might be null and void due to that little tidbit, Mom."
"My marriage wasn't legally dissolved."
"A government agency staged his death."
"I'm aware of that…but the fact of the matter is that he is still alive which makes his death an act of fraud…which means he is still legally married to me since there was no divorce and no actual death; it doesn't matter that the FBI set it up; it's still considered a fraud; one that there won't be legal repercussions for in regard to him but a fraud none the less and that makes my marriage still legal and valid. I know the law, Katie. I have a goddamn law degree," she said sharply.
"Yeah, I know you do…but you don't exactly think as a lawyer when it comes to him."
"That's because I'm his wife not his legal representative," she shot back. "What terms do you want me to think in when it comes to the man I married and had a child with?"
"I think you need to keep thinking in the terms that the man you married and had a child with is gone…and this person who came back here today is a stranger to you."
"I'm not stupid, Katie!" Johanna all but yelled; her patience at it's breaking point. "I'd like to think I have some measure of self control. You act like because I love my husband that it's like I follow him like I'm in a cult or something. Christ, can you give me a little credit? Do you see me telling you how to act?"
"No; but out of the two of us I'm not the one who needs worried about," Kate retorted. "You're the one who couldn't get over it…couldn't get over him."
"And you did?" Johanna asked. "You changed your plans, became a cop, drove yourself to being a detective so you could get a hold of his case and solve it because you couldn't get over it or let it go. Even getting shot wasn't enough to make you let it go. You wear his watch every day…you didn't let him go anymore than I did."
Anger snapped in her eyes as she began to unfasten the watch on her wrist.
"Katie; don't take it off," Johanna said, watching as her daughter's fingers fumbled with the band of the watch. "Taking it off doesn't prove anything."
"Yes, it does," she retorted. "It shows that I don't need it anymore…because all I'd be able to think about every time I looked at it is that he spent thirteen years lying to me. So take it," she said tossing it on the kitchen table; "Take it and give it back to him because I'm sure you'll have him moved back in by the end of the week."
"No, I won't," Johanna told her as she grabbed the watch and held it out to her daughter. "It's yours; you take it and put it back on your wrist."
"No," she said as she reached for the chain around her neck; "And take your ring too; I don't want it," she told her as she dropped the necklace that held the emerald ring her grandparents had given her mother when she graduated law school.
"Katie; don't do that," her mother told her as she curled her hand around her daughter's fist to keep her from dropping the ring onto the table. "I gave it to you."
"I was only to get it if I graduated law school," Kate replied; "I didn't do that; so take it back and put it on your finger…because I know you can't stand not having a ring on that finger anyway; that's why you wear that stupid little silver ring that Gabby gave you."
"I wear it because it was a gift," Johanna remarked as her daughter forced the ring and chain into her hand.
"And this ring was a gift from your parents and now I'm giving it back to you so call it a gift," her daughter retorted.
"Katie; you know why I gave it to you…because I don't believe in what I do anymore. I gave it to you because you do believe in what you do and that's what matters. Please; keep it."
"No," she told her. "I don't want it. I don't want the watch either."
"Katie, you're being ridiculous," Johanna said as she found her ring thrust into her hand. "These are just pieces of jewelry…sentimental pieces yes, but they didn't hurt you…you cherished them."
"I don't need them anymore," Kate retorted as she moved to leave the kitchen.
"I'm not the one you're mad at," Johanna stated as she hurried after her; "So why is this becoming a fight between us?"
"Because I know you; he'll keep at you for a few days and you'll give in because that's how you are when it comes to him."
"Katie; there was a time when I made him wait three years to get what he wanted," Johanna remarked. "I'm not going to have him moved in by the end of the week; so what is this really about?"
Anger flooded Kate's veins. "How could you not know what he was doing back then?" she asked angrily. "How could you just know nothing?"
"Because he didn't tell me," Johanna replied; doing her best to keep her tone even. "There is that little thing called attorney-client privilege…I'm sure you heard about that in the few law classes you did take. All he told me was that he was working on a big case that would get him his promotion he wanted; he wouldn't give me details; he said he couldn't. I didn't push for more…because I knew all too well that in the past when I'd push things when he was set on some goal of moving up the ladder that it only meant trouble for our marriage…and I didn't want that. I figured it was like any of the other big cases he had…I had no reason to think otherwise. I didn't know…I had my own cases to worry about; I had thoughts of holidays and you being home from school and arranging things for me to accompany you back when your next semester started…I wasn't looking for something to be wrong, Katie; we were merely living our lives. I didn't know about the case…I've told you that a million times and I'm sorry that I didn't keep coercing him for more details; believe me, I regret it…and if I had known, I would've tried to persuade him into not pursuing that case…but he wouldn't have listened. He was trying to get his promotion and he wouldn't have listened to me…I know that as well as I know my name. I'm sorry, Katie. I'm sorry I didn't know…I'm sorry I didn't push more…but in the end I paid just as much as you did…so don't pin it on me now…I didn't do this…neither did you…and you can't even hang it all on your father because I'm sure this wasn't his intention going in. You're hurt and angry…so am I…but taking it out on each other isn't going to get us anywhere so let's just stop…let's just not say anything else tonight; we're too raw. Go see Rick; be careful getting there. I'm going to lock up and go get a shower, get something for my headache and stay upstairs for the rest of the night. You can call me in the morning if you want."
Despite Kate's best intentions, a sob broke free as she avoided her mother's gaze. Johanna tugged her into her arms and held her tightly; allowing her to cry without comment until her tears were spent and then she pressed a soft kiss against her head. "That's better now, isn't it?" she asked softly.
"No," Kate sniffled.
"Yes, it is; you just don't know it yet," her mother replied. "Are you sure you don't want to stay here?"
"I'm sure," she said, forcing herself out of her mother's embrace.
"Do you want to take your watch and ring?"
"No!"
"Alright," Johanna said with a nod. "I'll put the watch in my jewelry box until you're ready to take it back. I'll put the ring back on my finger until you ask to have it back…and I will give it back to you; all you have to do is tell me you're ready for it."
"I don't want either one right now," Kate said as she swiped at the moisture on her cheeks. "You took the ring off because it was a symbol of your career to you and you don't believe in it anymore…well it's a symbol to me too…both of them are…at the moment neither one stands for what they used to stand for in my mind…his watch stands for the lie I don't want to see looking back at me every day and your ring…it reminds me of everything we went through and the faith we lost because of that lie, so I don't want either one right now."
"Okay," her mother replied gently; "I understand. When you want them, they'll be here."
Kate nodded, not trusting herself to say more.
"Will you be alright to drive? Maybe you should have Rick come and pick you up."
"No; I'll be fine," she sighed. "I am fine…but I better get going."
Johanna gave her a small smile and kissed her cheek. "Goodnight, Katie; I love you."
"I love you too," she replied. "I'll call in the morning."
"Text and let me know you go to Rick's safely."
"I will…I promise…lock the doors, okay?"
"I always do," Johanna assured as she followed her to the door. She watched from the porch as Kate made her way to her car and she gave her a wave as she drove away before she slipped back inside and locked the doors as she had promised. She leaned back against the door with a deep sigh, the silence of the house surrounding her…her life in shambles once again.
She shook off that thought as much as she could and set about closing up the house for the night; wanting nothing more than a shower and to crawl into her bed.
Johanna laid awake late that night, her heart and mind in turmoil as she watched the blades of the ceiling fan spin around. Watching the circular motion wasn't lulling her to sleep…nor was the TV where the Golden Girls were gathered around their kitchen table to solve their problems over a slice of cheesecake. She wished her own problems were so easily solved…but she didn't like cheesecake…and she didn't have three best friends living under her roof with her that she could spill her guts to in the middle of the night. The thought of telling Sharon that Jim was alive was enough to make her shudder; she could just imagine what her secretary would have to say on the topic…and she was sure she'd have plenty to say along with telling her to handle the situation as if she was some expert on it. No, she wasn't looking forward to that…nor was she looking forward to calling her in the morning and telling her to reschedule the few appointments she had on her schedule. She also wasn't looking forward to calling Mark and telling him that she wouldn't be coming in…she'd have to make up a reason…she just couldn't tell him that she couldn't make it because there wasn't any way in hell she'd be able to focus tomorrow knowing that her husband was alive and well. She'd have to craft a lie…she didn't like doing that but she just wasn't ready to dive into this in a bigger way. She just couldn't tell them yet…not before she had tried to sort herself out about it.
The voices of the women on the TV screen drew her attention back to them for a moment and she felt a measure of longing for Maggie. Maggie would understand and she wouldn't judge her feelings or act like she knew what she should do…and she wanted to call her and confide the whole mess in her but she hadn't been able to bring herself to pick up the phone. She just didn't have the words yet to properly explain it all…hell, she wasn't sure she understood it all herself.
Johanna sighed deeply and rolled onto her side, staring at the vacant place next to her. All these years it had been empty…and he'd been a few states away living a new life while she drowned…while she questioned God…while she grew bitter. Her eyes closed as she swallowed hard; he was alive…every wish and prayer she ever had had finally come true…but she was still alone. Her heart ached; longing to be with him even more now than before. He had wanted to come home with her…but she just couldn't let him come back home just like that. She'd feel like she was in bed with a stranger despite her heart knowing his. A few tears spilled down her cheeks…not for the first time since she had crawled in bed; in fact she was sure she had cried as much that evening as she had when she had lost him. She wanted him…craved his presence even more now that she had laid eyes on him…but she felt like she couldn't have him back just yet. She had too many questions…too many doubts trying to nag her about if this was all really possible…if it was really truly him. Oh she knew the FBI had said it was…she felt in her bones that it had to be.
But she was afraid.
Afraid to get attached too quickly.
Afraid he'd disappear again; leaving her in an even deeper state of mourning than before.
Afraid he might have some other enemy out there who might try to take him from them all over again.
Afraid that everything she knew about him was no longer the same…that they might not be the same as they had been and she couldn't bear that…she wasn't sure she could bear any of this when you got right down to it but she didn't have a choice…she'd have to bear it no matter what happened in the long run.
Johanna wiped the tears off her cheeks; she didn't want to be afraid. She didn't want to have doubts. She'd like nothing more than to have her life back to the way it was before all of this had started thirteen years ago…but she knew it wasn't that easy. She just wanted her husband back…had wanted it for so long…and now she had seen him again and that need to be where he was nagged at her. She just needed to see him again. She needed to make sure he was real; that this wasn't some long odd dream…that he was flesh and blood. She needed to make sure that he was still there; that he hadn't disappeared like a phantom in the mist. She needed to ask more questions that only he would know the answer to; she needed to hear his voice again. Needed to allow herself to revel in the knowledge that he lived and breathed.
Johanna sat up and turned on the lamp, picking up the scrap of paper on the nightstand that he had written his information on; studying his handwriting for a long moment. He always had leaned heavy on his pen, she thought to herself; the lines of his writing looking bold and firm; she hadn't taken the time to notice that earlier. She breathed deeply and reached for her phone; her fingers trembling as she dialed the unfamiliar number; praying he would answer this time because if he didn't, it would feel like a sign that he hadn't intended to stay for any length of time and that would be yet another crushing blow. Her heart pounded as she brought the phone to her ear, listening to the line ring three times before it was answered.
"Hello?" Jim said cautiously; not recognizing the number that had popped up on his screen.
"Jim?" Johanna replied although she had recognized his voice.
His heart leapt. "Jo?"
She took a breath; noting that it was nearly half past midnight. "Did I wake you?"
"No," he answered; sleep was alluding him once again as his mind replayed every second of the day. "I can't sleep."
"Neither can I," she murmured. "I want to talk to you."
"Go ahead, honey; I'm listening."
"No…in person," she stated.
"Do you want me to come over?" Jim asked; hope in his tone that she had changed her mind.
"No…I'll come to you. I'll come now."
"It's late, sweetheart; let me come to you so you don't have to be out in the dark," he told her. "You know I don't like for you to be out late."
"I drive in the dark quite often…but if you don't want me to come…" she said, wondering if there was a reason why he wouldn't want her to come to his hotel room…besides the late hour.
"No," he hurried to say. "You can come over…I just worry when you're out late at night. It's not safe."
"I'll be fine; I have a gun."
"A gun?" he repeated. "You're not going to shoot me, are you?"
"If I had wanted to shoot you; I would've done it this afternoon."
"Too many witnesses," Jim remarked.
"I'd be the prime suspect either way," Johanna replied; a touch of bitterness in her tone. "After all; I've been questioned before in regard to your demise."
Jim flinched a little at the remark and the cool note in her tone; he hadn't ever thought about that…that his wife would be questioned about her whereabouts that day…about the state of their relationship and anything else they could pry into. "I'm sorry you had to go through that," he murmured; feeling like the words were inadequate to say the least.
"It's alright…I had proof of where I had been that day…I guess it's a good thing I had proof…your dirty cops you were trying to take down could've pinned the whole thing on me if I hadn't had a pocket full of receipts and Katie to back up my story that I had been with her the whole day."
His stomach tightened; he didn't want to think about that. "I wouldn't have let that happen, Jo," he murmured.
"How could you stop it if it had?" she asked. "You wouldn't have known."
"I would've found out…and I would've come back and settled it for you."
Johanna was silent for a long moment; unsure of what to say and wishing they hadn't gotten into this topic.
"Are you coming over?" Jim asked, breaking the silence.
"Yes," she said softly; "I'll be there soon."
"I'll be waiting," he promised. "Be careful, okay?"
"I'll be fine," Johanna assured; but she wasn't sure her heart would ever be fine again…at least she knew it wouldn't be fine until every last thing was settled.
A/N: Jo's late night visit is coming up in the next chapter!