A/N: Thanks for your reviews; sorry for the delay!
Chapter 13
Johanna drove through the city, the volume on the radio turned down somewhat low in deference to the late hour as she headed toward Jim's hotel. Katie would be furious if she found out…and she was hoping that she wouldn't; but she had to do this…had to ease her own mind and do her own investigating so to speak. She just couldn't rest until she was sure…until she saw him again…without an audience…without being chastened about the level of her voice and whatever else she had been judged for earlier in the day. She just hoped Katie didn't find out…she'd be angry with her for going out so late…angrier yet that she had gone to see Jim. She didn't want to make her daughter angry at a time like this…she was already somewhat distant at times; she didn't want to make it worse.
But she had to take the risk of going to him…she just couldn't stay away; not when she needed him to settle her mind in regard to his identity. Not when she needed to know why he hadn't answered the phone when she had called from Elizabeth's house…and why he hadn't called back. She breathed deeply; her mind a constant swirl of questions…some she needed to ask tonight…some she wasn't quite ready to ask…and some she probably didn't want to know the answers to but eventually she'd ask…no matter the outcome. Tonight however she had to ask questions that would give her concrete proof. She had to arrange things for Elizabeth. She had to stare at him for awhile; let her brain reconcile that he wasn't a phantom from a dream.
Johanna breathed deeply; she still didn't know how to feel and she wasn't sure how long it would take to figure it out. All she knew was she needed to see him…no matter who got angry…no matter how she felt; she just had to see him…had to know he was alive and well…that she hadn't imagined the whole thing. She was angry and hurt…but part of her just needed to be near him…her heart trying to battle her brain and its logic to keep her distance for awhile. She could see him and keep her distance all at the same time…it wouldn't be easy but she could do it…at least until she was convinced that he was who he said he was…until he didn't feel like a stranger anymore. She could do this…she had to; there wasn't any choice. She had to do it for Katie and Elizabeth…she had to do it for herself. There just wasn't any other choice.
Jim paced the length of his hotel room, anticipation building within him as he waited for Johanna to arrive. He picked up discarded clothes from the back of the sofa in the small sitting area of the room and quickly stuffed them into a suitcase. He didn't want his wife to walk in and find him with a mess…which would probably remind her of the days when they had been just friends and she'd walk into his apartment to find jackets tossed over the chair and a pizza box on the coffee table; shoes kicked wherever. Speaking of shoes, he thought as he searched the room for where he had kicked off his, spotting them near the door. He quickly grabbed them and sat them by the closet where they'd be out of the way but then deciding that maybe familiarly would work to his benefit, he tossed his jacket back over the chair. He snatched the bag of fast food wrappers off the table and shoved it into the garbage along with the empty beer bottle he had grabbed from the mini bar earlier that evening.
Jim paused in the center of his spacious room, making sure everything was put to rights. The room looked fine despite the rumpled covers on the bed that spoke of his restless night that he had spent so far tossing and turning before giving up and turning on the television which he had left on for now; needing a small amount of noise to keep him company as he waited for Johanna. She said she needed to talk…and he tried to keep from being too hopeful that it meant that she might be having a change of heart…that maybe she did want him come home. He wanted to go home more than anything…wanted to work this all out with her and get back to the life they were supposed to have together. But what if she wasn't coming to talk about how they'd get through this? What if she was coming to tell him that she never wanted to see him again? He wasn't sure he could bear that…and he wasn't sure he could just walk away without a fight to change her mind. He breathed deeply; willing her to hurry…his eyes hungry for the sight of her; his heart aching with increased need for her now that she was so near…now that he could see and hear her. His arms ached to hold her; but he knew he wouldn't be allowed no matter how badly he wanted to touch her.
He didn't understand it though, why she wouldn't let him touch her…why she shied away from him. It didn't make any sense…she had never shunned his affection before. He thought she'd want it…God knows he was starved for hers…unless she didn't need affection from him. The pictures on Facebook of her and Jeff sent a wave of jealousy through him; surely there wasn't anything going on there. Jim shook his head, shaking away the thoughts; if she was seeing someone she wouldn't be coming to his hotel in the middle of the night. She wouldn't still be wearing her rings...right? He gave another shake of his head; there wasn't anyone else…if there was she probably would've told him at the precinct. No, there wasn't anyone else…she wouldn't be coming to him in the middle of the night if there was, he felt sure of it.
A knock on the door made his heart quicken and for the first time in decades, he was nervous to see his wife. He took a breath and forced himself not to run to the door. He didn't want to appear overeager…didn't want to startle her with his hopefulness that her need to see him in person might mean that she had changed her mind. He made his way to the door in quick strides despite himself, opening it carefully and peeking out to make sure it was Johanna on the other side.
Her green eyes met his gaze and he smiled as he opened the door wider; his eyes raking over her, taking in the sight of her clad in black yoga pants, dark blue tank top and black jacket with the hood pulled up over her head. "You know," he murmured; "You've come to me many times in the middle of the night but this is the first time you've come dressed like a cat burglar."
A flare of offense flickered in her eyes. "I just put on the first thing I grabbed."
"I was referring to the hooded jacket…it is June, sweetheart."
Her eyes closed for the briefest second as that term of endearment struck her ears. "I didn't want anyone to see me coming here."
Jim stepped back, gesturing for her to come inside. "Why would you be afraid of being seen? This isn't one of those cheap, seedy hotels…it's pretty nice…which it should be for the price they charge by the day. In fact, I believe we've stayed here before…that one time the heat was out at the house when Katie was little…we didn't want to stay with our parents so we just got a room. So I know you're not afraid of being seen in a hotel…so that leaves me. Is there a new law in New York that says a woman can't go see her husband in the middle of the night?"
"No," Johanna replied as she sat her purse down on the small stand near the sofa and pulled off her jacket. "I just didn't want to be recognized by anyone who might know Katie."
"And why is that?" he asked as relocked the door.
"I don't want her to know I'm here."
"Why?"
"Shouldn't I be the one asking all the questions?" Johanna retorted.
Jim shrugged. "I just want to know why Katie shouldn't know you're here."
"Why do you think I don't want her to know?" she asked sharply.
He gave a nod. "She doesn't want you around me."
"She didn't say that exactly…"
"But the sentiment came through just the same," he remarked; "But why? I know she's angry, but why should she want you to stay away from me?"
Johanna met his eye. "She doesn't trust you."
"And do you, Jo?"
She hesitated. "I don't know."
"You don't know?" he repeated as he stepped closer.
Johanna shook her head; her heart speeding up a little in regard to his nearness.
"If you don't trust me; why are you here?" he asked quietly; stretching his pinky outwards to graze the side of her hand that she had curled into a fist.
She flinched at the feel of his touch, pulling her hand away and stepping back a pace. "I told you why…I want to talk."
"But you don't want Katie to know."
"No," she replied; "Is that a problem?"
Jim shoved his hands into the pockets of the pants he had thrown on when she had called. "Maybe…I mean why should you hide it? You're my wife; we're allowed to see each other. Since when does she tell you what to do? You're the mother; she's the kid."
"She's not a kid anymore in case you haven't noticed," Johanna said as she turned away from him; allowing her gaze to sweep over the room although she wasn't sure what exactly she was looking for.
"I know she's not…but that doesn't mean she tells you what to do. I just find it hard to believe that you'd let Katie boss you around."
"She doesn't boss me…she just worries about me."
"Why? You've always been more than capable of looking after yourself."
Johanna turned toward him. "I guess she worries because I'm the only parent she has."
The words stung him and he looked away, figuring she had earned the right to wound him. Clearly she didn't want him digging into the way things were between her and Katie and he figured it was best to drop the topic for now. "I guess I deserved that," he remarked; his tone quiet.
"No," she whispered; an ounce of remorse filling her. "I shouldn't have said that."
"Why not; it's the truth. You are the only parent she's had for thirteen years."
Johanna sighed deeply and paced the small area near the sofa; feeling awkward and out of place…unsure of herself and she hated that. Hated to feel so unsure of herself in front of the man who had seen her at her best and at her worst…and at everything in between.
"You can sit down," Jim told her, sensing her restlessness.
She wasn't ready to sit down, although she itched to kick off her sandals and have the comfort of the soft carpet beneath her bare feet. She shouldn't do that though, he'd think she was making herself comfortable…but she didn't intend to leave in mere moments…she needed to ask questions…she needed to just look at him for awhile and convince her brain that he was indeed real. With that thought in mind, she slipped her feet out of her sandals and paced once more, the plush carpet beneath her bare feet oddly soothing.
Jim watched her, telling himself that she wasn't in a hurry if she had taken her shoes off. She never took her shoes off unless she was settling in for awhile…after all, she had even been known to kick them off under her desk at work at times…and he remembered her laughing at times when she had forgotten to slip them back on before she'd round the desk to greet a client. "Jo," he murmured; wanting her to turn toward him so that he could see her face; try to gauge what she was thinking or feeling.
"I called you earlier," she said quietly; "I called from your mother's…you didn't answer…surely you recognized her number; she's had the same number for forty years. Why didn't you answer?"
Jim raked his hand through his hair. "Because when I came back to the hotel; I laid my phone down on the nightstand and then walked out the door without it."
"Where were you?"
"What does it matter?"
"I want to know," Johanna replied. "You go through the trouble of making sure I know how to contact you but then you don't even bother to keep your phone with you in case I call? It doesn't sound like you're anxious to stay in touch…when you didn't answer or call back I thought maybe you had left."
"Why would I leave; I just got here," he remarked.
She shrugged. "How should I know? You showed up out of the blue…you could disappear just as easily…you have before."
Jim breathed deeply. "I left the phone by mistake, Johanna; I had things on my mind…like the fact that my daughter doesn't want anything to do with me and my wife wouldn't let me go home with her. I was thinking about how everything had gone the opposite of how I had intended for it to go."
"Where were you?" she insisted on knowing.
"I was downstairs at the bar," he answered. "I had already ordered my drink when I realized that I had left my phone in the room. I didn't bother to come back for it because it wasn't like I was far away…and I figured hoping to hear from you was futile."
"Why didn't you call back? I stayed with Liz until nine when she goes to bed…you didn't call…she kept waiting for the phone to ring and you never called back."
"I didn't call back because I didn't get your message until after eight. I had a few drinks and got something to eat…I wandered around the streets for awhile. By the time I came back it was after eight and I figured I'd wait until morning so you had some time…so she had some time to get used to the idea. I just thought it was best to wait."
"I told you in the message that she wanted to see you…why would it be best to keep her waiting?" Johanna asked as she paced a little.
Jim turned away and did some pacing of his own. "I got nervous, okay? It's not like things went all that well with my wife and daughter…why should I think it'll go any differently with my mother? You say she wants to see me…well, I know Elizabeth Beckett; she probably wants to see me long enough to tell what a disappointment I am and sending me packing."
Johanna shook her head. "Your mother has spent thirteen years thinking her son is dead…her only motive is to see you with her own eyes…to touch you and have you near. She's been grieving for you for over a decade…she's not waiting to lecture you…all she's waiting for is her son."
He felt chastened and he turned away from her. "How is she? Did she take it okay?"
"She took it better than I did," Johanna admitted; "But I guess it's different for mothers than it is for wives."
"Did you only come to ask why I didn't answer the phone?" Jim asked; unable to gauge the full scope of her mood or what her visit might mean.
"No, I came because I have questions to ask you."
"What kind of questions?"
Johanna turned back towards him. "What did my father call me?" she asked softly.
His brow furrowed in confusion. "What?"
"What was my father's nickname for me?" she asked; her tone a little firmer.
"Jo," he said with a shake of his head. "Is this really necessary? You know it's me. If you had any real doubts you wouldn't be in this room with me in the middle of the night without telling someone where you were going."
Her features hardened. "Tell me what he called me," Johanna said, her tone sharp; "Unless you don't know…and if you don't know, then you're not who you say you are and my daughter has every right not to trust you."
"Johanna; you already questioned me this morning. I told you the one thing no one else would know; that I proposed without the ring; why isn't that good enough? I shouldn't have to play twenty questions to prove who I am to you."
Her stomach knotted; maybe she had been wrong…maybe somewhere along the way one of them had told the story of him not proposing with the ring and she had forgotten. She stuck her feet back in her shoes and reached for her purse and jacket.
"What are you doing?" Jim asked.
"I think I got what I came for," she replied; her voice cool and her gaze colder. "I don't know what game you're playing but we're not going to be a part of it. Stay away from my daughter; stay away from my mother-in-law and stay the hell away from me or you'll wish you had. Go back to wherever the hell you came from and tell whoever sent you that this little game didn't work."
Panic filled him; his need to be believed on his word as he always had been was only convincing her that he was a fraud. "Jo, don't go," he said, stepping in front of her, blocking her path to the door. "Please; put your stuff down…don't go."
"There's no reason to stay."
He reached for her but she stepped back away from him. "Don't touch me."
Frustration filled him but he did his best to swallow it. "He called you Josie," he told her; his tone gruff with aggravation.
She eyed him warily. "And my mother? What did she call me?"
"Bambina," he answered. "Now can we stop this?"
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "You're going to answer every question I ask you until I'm satisfied."
"And if I don't?" Jim asked.
"Then I walk out the door and you can go to hell," she retorted. "If you were in my shoes you'd want to make damn sure I was who I claimed."
"I am who I claim to be and you know it!" he yelled.
"Then you shouldn't have any problem proving it!" Johanna yelled back. "What are you afraid of? They're only questions that my husband should know the answer to…it's been thirteen years…thirteen years of thinking my husband was dead and then you turn up out of the blue and you think I'm just supposed to accept it within a matter of seconds without proof beyond your looks? You should know me better than that."
"I do," he replied; "That's why I told you the names of our families, told you our song, our first kiss, the proposal…what more do you need, Jo?"
"I just want you to answer questions," she replied; "It's not so hard…I'd like to think I'd give you that courtesy if the roles were reversed. I'd like to think that I'd keep in mind that I had just upended your world for the second time in over a decade and that you might need some reassuring. My husband never had a problem with reassuring me when I needed it."
"I am your husband, quit acting like I'm not!" he said sharply.
"Then answer the fucking questions," she shot back. "You're supposed to be a lawyer; you should've expected this."
Jim breathed deeply; you always knew she had reached her deepest level of anger when she started throwing around that certain four letter word. "Alright, Jo; put your stuff down and ask your questions. I don't want you to have doubts…I didn't come here to give you doubts."
Johanna hesitated for a moment and then sat her purse back down on the stand and laid her jacket over it but she kept her shoes on. "You can take your shoes back off," Jim murmured.
"I think maybe I should keep them on."
He met her eye. "You're not afraid of me, are you?" he asked quietly. "The last thing I want is for you to be afraid of me."
She shrugged. "I don't know."
"You have to know."
Emotion surged forward, making her chin quiver as she forced herself to hold it back. "In some ways I guess I am afraid of you."
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I feel like I don't know what's real and what's not right now. You look like my husband, you sound like him…but you don't want to answer questions to put my mind at ease…so it does make me afraid. I don't want to fall into some trap…and I damn sure won't let it happen to Katie. She's been through enough. Your reluctance to put me at ease makes me doubtful…it makes me afraid…it makes me not trust you."
"You can trust me like you always have," he replied; "I am who I say I am and I think in your heart you know that. I'm not trying to hurt you…I didn't do any of this to hurt you; there just wasn't any other way. You want reassurance and you won't even let me touch you."
"You can reassure me without touching me."
"I know…but it's always been our way. We've always touched…why can't I touch you?"
"Because I'm not ready," she answered; tears pooling in her eyes. "You don't even want to answer simple questions that mean nothing to anyone but us and yet I'm supposed to let you touch me? Let you walk through my door like you were just off on one of your business trips and was delayed coming home? You want it all and yet you don't want to give anything in return."
Jim sighed deeply. "Then ask your questions, Johanna; if it's the only way you're going to feel better; ask the questions and I'll answer them."
"Are you going to answer them without acting like I'm committing a crime by asking them?" Johanna asked; "Because if you're going to be offended by it, I'll just leave now and spare us both the hassle."
"I don't want you to leave," he murmured, reaching for her hand out of reflex but he jerked it back when she didn't offer hers in return. Irrational anger licked his veins at being denied the simple gesture. "What do you think is going to happen if I touch you, Johanna? Do you think I'm going to hurt you? Or are you afraid it'll make you drop your guard…that it might make you put away your tough girl card?"
Johanna scoffed. "You think it's just an act?"
"It usually always was."
"Yeah; well that was a long time ago…I've spent thirteen years having to fight my own battles without any backup…and believe me, there have been plenty of battles that I had to win without you."
"I would've rather been here with you; you have to know that," he told her quietly. "You know I'd never leave you on some whim."
She turned away from him, desperate to keep from dissolving into tears. "Where were we when you took me on a midnight picnic?" she asked; ignoring his question in favor of her own.
"Maryland," Jim answered. "We were in Maryland; we had gone to a carnival earlier in the day. We had our picnic in an empty field…I showed you the constellations; the car radio was playing…and we were close to crossing the line when a cop showed up and told us to leave."
Johanna swallowed hard; the memory of that night sweeping across her mind for a moment but she forced herself to focus. "How much did Katie weigh when she was born?"
"Seven pounds six ounces."
"What was our first date?"
"Official first date or the first time we ate together outside of the office?"
"Official."
"Eagles concert; I got you the tickets for your birthday," he answered.
"What was the name of the car you had when we met?"
"Renee; my blue Camaro," Jim replied; "I still miss her."
"What do Frankie and I call my sister?"
"Bug."
"What did we have for dinner when I told you I was pregnant?"
"Steak," Jim stated; a hint of smile on his lips as he moved around her to face her once more. "You made me one of those steak dinners with a side of surprise…but that was a good surprise…the credit card bill and dents in the car not so much."
She breathed deeply. "Where did we spend our wedding night?"
"In the honeymoon suite of the Plaza. Do you want me to describe the nightgown you wore or the color underwear you had on? They were white lace if you want to know."
Anger flicked in her eyes. "Must you be a jackass?"
"I'm only doing what you asked; proving I'm who I say I am."
"I didn't ask you about the color of my underwear."
"No, but I wasn't wrong, was I?"
She smirked at him. "No, but you have to admit, guessing white underwear for a bride is a pretty easy answer, now isn't it?"
He returned her smirk with one of his one. "Fine, I can tell you about the first pair I got to take off of you…black satin and lace. You've always been fond of lace."
"I don't think we need to discuss my underwear."
"Why not? I think it's a sure fire way to prove I know you on the deepest levels," Jim replied. "Let's not forget that you're the one who taught me that if I had to pick out clothes for you to wear to never pick white because black bras show through white shirts."
Her cheeks warmed, recalling that conversation they'd had the morning after her grandfather's funeral when he had taken it upon himself to go to her apartment and get her a change of clothes while she was asleep at his place.
"So you do remember," he remarked, seeing the dash of color on her cheeks. "You don't need to blush, sweetheart; I know all about your underwear drawer…you know, all those different piles; the every day pile, the time of the month pile, date night pile, the special occasion pile…"
"Shut up," she said shortly.
He smiled. "Why? It's all true, isn't it?"
"It was…I've eliminated some piles in the last thirteen years," Johanna retorted.
"Which ones?"
"All of them except the every day pile."
"That's disappointing," Jim replied. "I figured that one pile would be gone…but not all of them but one."
"And which one did you think would be gone?"
"The time of the month one," he remarked; "I know you're past the age for that."
Her eyes narrowed. "You're not helping yourself by calling me old."
"I didn't say you were old; I just said I know you're past the age of periods…aren't you? Maybe I've been misinformed."
"It's none of your business."
"That means I'm right," he said with a quiet laugh, amusement and affection gleaming in his eyes as he studied her, noting that her chin had jutted up an inch in offense. "And just so you know, you're no where near old…and you're still as beautiful as you always were."
She shook her head. "That's not true."
"It is," he insisted as he stepped closer, moving into her space. "You're still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."
"I'm getting lines around my eyes."
He smiled. "They're barely noticeable, sweetheart; and besides, they don't take anything away from your beauty…they're just proof that you've smiled a lot," he said, taking the risk of reaching out and brushing his thumb against the faint lines at the corner of her eye. "I hope I'm to blame for some of those smiles."
Her eyes closed as he brushed his thumb against the skin at the corner of her eye and she had to force herself not to reach out and touch him; touching him could be her undoing and she couldn't take the risk that her heart would overrule her brain and she'd sink into his embrace. For a moment she was tempted…feeling that deep ache of longing…the emptiness of all those years when she didn't have his arms to sink into. The brush of his lips against the corner of her eye jerked her out of her thoughts. She couldn't do this…she couldn't just let him fall into old habits of kissing her to end a stand off. She didn't trust herself not to give into her own old habits of allowing him to sway her with his kisses…with his touch.
Johanna stepped back away from him; weariness sweeping over her and making itself known on her features.
"You're tired, honey," Jim said softly; shoving his hands back into his pockets so he wouldn't reach for her. "Why don't you lay down and try to sleep? You take the bed and I'll sleep on the couch…I won't touch you; I promise…and we'll work things out in the morning."
Johanna shook her head. "I'm fine. We're not done talking."
He sighed deeply. "So what's your next question? The day we met, it was May 29th…your first day at the firm. Do you want to know when Katie was conceived? It was in February of 79; in a hotel in Pennsylvania on our way to a family reunion that we never got to thanks to a snowstorm. We bought the house when you were pregnant; we moved in at the beginning of August. I bought you a car in October of 79 so you'd have a car to use while I was at work and you were on maternity leave. You were in labor for twenty-two hours. Katie was five days old on her first Thanksgiving…we went to my mother's and she made you sit beside her so the cradle would be between the two of you. I had never seen her so in love with a baby before. Is that enough or do you want me to go on?"
"No; I don't want you to go on about that stuff," she said tiredly; satisfied that he knew enough of their personal history.
"So you believe me…you know I'm who I say I am? That I am your husband?"
She nodded; she had already known but she had to make sure…had to have evidence to close the case without a doubt. "I still have questions though."
"About what?!" he exclaimed in frustration.
"What is your plan for your mother?" she asked. "I broke the news to her, she survived it and wants to see you…she was disappointed when you didn't call back."
"I'm sorry that I didn't have my phone on me," he said gruffly. "I just thought it would be better to talk to you to arrange things but I didn't know if you'd still be there and it's not like you left your number for me to call you back…you called from her phone…you never gave me your cell phone number, Jo. I know I can call the house phone but I don't know if you're going to be in the office in the morning or in court…if your number is still the same at the office."
"What makes you so sure you can call the house phone? Maybe it's been disconnected after all this time," Johanna remarked. "You don't know if I still have it or not."
"You do…and the number is the same," he said quietly.
"Did you look online and find out?"
"No," he said with a shake of his head. "I've called it."
Her blood ran cold. "When?" she asked; knowing the phone hadn't rang while she had been home that evening.
Jim paced for a moment, his hand squeezing the back of his neck. "Why were you crying the other night?" he asked quietly.
She stared at him for a long moment. "What?"
"The other night…you answered the phone and I could tell you were crying. Why were you crying?"
The memory of that phone call a few nights before overwhelmed her. "It was you? You're the one who has been calling for years and breathing in my ear until I hang up?"
Jim nodded. "Yeah."
Anger raced through her in a hot rush. "You picked up that phone and dialed my number…and never said a fucking word to me!"
"I couldn't."
"Don't give me that!" she yelled. "You dialed that number and let me answer…you could've opened your damn mouth and told me it was you…told me what happened and that you were safe. But no, you'd rather ring the phone and let me hang up and not say a word!"
"I didn't have a choice! You would've been in danger."
"How!" she yelled; "Everyone thought you were dead; they wouldn't have any reason to keep tabs on my phone line."
"I couldn't take the risk of putting you in danger by telling you," he replied; keeping his tone even as he fought against his own impatience and frustration.
"Yeah; well I'd rather be the one in danger than Katie. Maybe if you had told me, I could've kept her from pursuing your case. Did you know she was working on your case?"
"Not until I saw on the news that she had been shot," he replied.
Johanna swallowed hard. "I had a lot of hang up calls during that time period…and again, you didn't say a word. You could've told me…you could've told me to swear her to secrecy so she'd stop chasing it…so we'd know you were alive and safe…but again, you just hung up without a word…so why bother calling in the first place?"
"Because I wanted to hear your voice," he replied. "Sometimes I just needed to hear your voice…needed to know you were okay."
She wrapped her arms around herself as she paced the area in front of the sofa. "It's a shame I didn't have that same option…because there were plenty of times when I needed to hear your voice. Plenty of times when I wasn't okay…plenty of times when I needed you."
"I'm sorry…I am; I wish you'd believe that. I never wanted to leave you, Johanna. I never wanted to hurt you…but I couldn't put you and Katie in danger either. I'm sorry."
"I didn't say that I don't believe you're sorry."
"You haven't said that you do either…you don't even say my name," Jim remarked.
"What does saying your name have to do with anything?" she asked; her voice rising an octave.
"It just seems like you're avoiding it."
"Why would I avoid it?"
He shrugged. "I don't know…it's just how it feels…and I know it sounds stupid but I want to hear you say my name."
Johanna breathed deeply; her patience wearing thin. "I said your name when you answered the phone."
"I want to hear you say it to me…in person," he said quietly. "I told you it's stupid…but I want to hear you say it in person."
She glanced away from him, forcing herself to take a moment to think about why it was so important to him and she figured it was because he had been answering to another name for so long that maybe he was trying to get used to answering to his own name again. "Jim," she said, her voice carrying a sigh; "I believe that you're sorry…and I know you probably don't believe me, but I'm glad you're alive…if you had told me what was going on and that the only option for your survival was to leave me, I would've begged you to go…I would've demanded that you go…I never wanted you to be hurt. I would've begged you to go. But it hurts, Jim…it hurts because I've spent all this time living a lie…it hurts because I've spent these years alone, drowning…trying to figure out how to get my feet on solid ground again…and I still wobble after thirteen years. It hurts…because I know you took that case for a goddamn promotion that you didn't need!" she said; her voice rising once more as anger rushed through her. "You didn't take it to help that man because he was innocent…you took it for yourself and that promotion…you and those goddamn promotions, Jim. Every time one was around the corner, your job became number one and I knew better than to get in the way so I blame myself for some of this…because I should've pushed…I should've demanded to know what you were working on and I should've tried harder to tell you that you didn't need that promotion…but you always had to have it. You always had to have more and more."
"That's how careers are, Johanna; climbing the ladder…at least that's true for some people. Once you had Katie you didn't seem to care about moving up career wise."
"You're right; I didn't care," she replied; "I was satisfied with my career and being able to be the kind of mother I wanted to be. I just wish you hadn't cared so much. You didn't need to make partner."
"No, I didn't need it…but I wanted it and I felt it was long past due, Johanna."
"Yeah, I know," she scoffed; "I've had those words ringing in my ears for over a decade…I was hearing them echo in my brain when I was standing over your grave because I didn't believe that random gang violence bullshit the police fed me. I knew it had to be something you were working on…I knew it…and I knew it was probably something you were working on for that damn promotion; well let me tell you something, Jim; that firm you wanted to be partner of so badly; they didn't give a fuck about you when they were told you were dead. I was still at the funeral when Stanley started harassing me to get your office cleaned out by the end of the week and your car off the property. I had to fight them to pay me what you were owed…that's how much you mattered to them, Jim. You mattered so much that they wanted your office empty for the next person and didn't even want to pay what you were owed…that's definitely a place I'd want to be a partner in; one that couldn't care less about what happened to you and making sure your family had the money you were owed to help take care of expenses. So tell me, was climbing the ladder worth it in the end? What did it get us? What did it get you?!" she yelled. "All it got me was pain and loneliness and watching our daughter chase something that we didn't understand…watching her take a bullet over it! All because you needed a promotion."
He swallowed hard. "I never wanted any of this to happen, Jo; and I sure as hell never wanted Katie to get involved and be hurt because of it…you have to know that."
"Yeah; I know it," she said with a nod as the tears broke free. "But it doesn't make me feel better. I've spent all this time thinking about how you were alone…that I wasn't there when you needed me…that even if I couldn't save you somehow, I still wasn't there to be with you…so you wouldn't be alone. I've spent all these years wondering if things would've been different if I had asked you to drive Katie and I to the places we wanted to go…of wondering if I had just nagged you enough I could've found out more about this case and asked you to stop. I've had all this time to blame myself, Jim…and it doesn't just go away because you show up out of the blue. You don't know what these years have been like for us."
"No," he said, chaffing slightly at the comment; "And you don't know what they've been like for me."
"No, I don't," she replied; "But you had the privilege of knowing you were alive…and I didn't. You picked up the phone and dialed my number whenever it pleased you and hung up without a word to still have a connection…I didn't have that privilege. I don't doubt that the past thirteen years have been hard for you…but you came here clearly thinking they've been a cakewalk for me since you expected me to just take you home and make you dinner."
"I didn't say you had to make dinner."
Johanna shot him a glare. "Don't try to get cute."
He smiled a little. "You used to like that."
She shook her head. "This isn't just going to go away in a matter of minutes."
"I know," he murmured. "I keep wishing it would…but I know it's not going to be that way."
"No, it isn't…no matter how much either one of us wishes it could be," Johanna said; her voice tinged with a mixture of anger and regret.
Jim sighed deeply; how was he supposed to fix this? Could it even be fixed? At the moment he wasn't sure and for the first time that he could remember. He felt uncomfortable as she stared at him. He said nothing though; figuring it was only natural for her to stare…he had been gone for so long that she had to keep looking to make herself believe that he was real…and the thought that it was necessary for her to go through that process hurt him too. He had made such a mess of their lives and for the moment, it all felt hopeless.
"You didn't answer my question," Jim remarked, needing to end the unbearable silence that had filled the air between them for a full ten minutes that he had counted off in his head.
"What question?"
"Why were you crying the other night?"
"What does it matter?" she asked.
"Because I want to know…just like I've always wanted to know what was wrong when something upset you. I answered your questions…answer mine…please."
Johanna swallowed hard. "I went out that evening and had a good time," she told him, omitting the fact that she had gone with Jeff. "I haven't gone out in a long time…I didn't think I'd have a good time…because how could I? You weren't there…but I did have a nice time and I went home and felt terrible for it because you weren't there…I was crying because of that…because I was missing you so badly…because our song came on and you weren't there with me. That's why I was crying, Jim; the same reason I've been crying for years…for you and everything we lost."
Somewhere inside he had known she had been crying over him but the confirmation of the fact was like a sucker punch to his stomach. Guilt washed over him in waves. "I'm sorry, Jo," he murmured; his throat tight with emotion. "I'm sorry…it's not enough but I am…and even if I was…gone…I wouldn't want you to be miserable and not have any good times. It's alright that you went out and had a nice evening; there's nothing wrong with that, sweetheart."
"It felt wrong to me," she cried.
"It's not," he said with a shake of his head. "I'm glad you had fun…don't feel badly for it. I'm sorry I wasn't there…I'm sorry I wasn't there when our song came on…I know how you feel…I've heard it a few times while we were apart and it was always like a knife going through me because I couldn't be here with you while it played."
Johanna swiped at the tears that had slipped free as she turned away from him, pacing a little more of the room as weariness washed over her once more.
"I've thought of you every day, Jo," Jim murmured as he watched her, seeing the weight on her shoulders as she buried her face in her hands while she paced. "I hope you believe me when I say that…because I swear to you there hasn't been a single day when I haven't thought about you and Katie; wondering what you were doing and if you were okay…missing you both. Not a day went by without thoughts of my girls…I hope you know that."
"I thought of you too," she said softly as she fought to bring her emotions back under control.
"I've never doubted that," he assured, moving closer to where she had paused; hoping that maybe she might allow him to reach for her so he could comfort her but before he could make the move, she stepped away and he had to force himself not to lose patience.
"You never told me what you want to do about your mother," Johanna stated as she finally gave in and sank down in the arm chair, slipping her shoes off as she did so.
"I want to see her," Jim replied. "Will she be alright to see me?"
She nodded. "I think she'll be fine."
"Are you sure? How bad is her health?"
"For her age, she's doing pretty well but we try to keep her calm and content. As you know, she had that first stroke not long after your Dad passed…and then she had a mild one a few months after you…" she trailed off, not wanting to say when he had died since it had been a lie. "Then about eight years ago she had a very bad stroke…we didn't think she was going to make it…and she didn't want to make it. She was in the hospital for a long time but we got her through it. She walks with a cane…and she still gets mad that she can't walk as quickly as she used to…she moves slowly but she's able to get around. Her left arm and hand have never gained back their full mobility despite the physical therapy so she needs help with things that require her to use both hands like cutting her meat or washing her hair."
"What about her speech?" he asked. "I know strokes can distort speech."
Johanna shook her head. "At first it was a bit slurred but it started to ease off once she started doing a little better…and she had some speech therapy which helped a lot. There was no permanent damage to her voice unlike her arm and hand; she sounds the same as she always has."
"Good…I'm glad to hear that," he said quietly.
"Is that another reason you didn't call back? You were afraid she'd answer and wouldn't sound the same?"
"I don't know," he admitted; "It wasn't something I was actively thinking about but I guess it could've been lingering in the back of my mind. But she's fine for a woman her age?"
"She's fine…she does take medication to control her blood pressure to help prevent another stroke; she takes a blood thinner…some vitamins because her age does bring some vitamin loss but that's normal. We just keep her as calm as we can and on a schedule because having that structure seems to comfort her. I call her every morning and make sure she's up and getting her pills out of the pill box that I separate them into. I go over four nights a week; Andrew's there three nights unless he's traveling. He decided to stay with her tonight just to make sure that she's fine but I'm sure she is."
"How did my brother take the news?" he allowed himself to ask.
Johanna sighed. "He did okay…I think he'll believe it more when he sees you for himself."
He nodded; not wanting to go too far down that road just yet. He had to concentrate on his mother first before moving on to his siblings. "I want to see my mother but I think it would be best if you're there when I do. When can you be there? Could you go after work?"
"I'm not going to work tomorrow, Jim. I wouldn't get a damn thing done and we both know it. I'll meet you over there…but let's wait until noon; give her time to get up and get her medicine and get ready for you."
"Okay; that'll work…I appreciate you going with me…it'll probably be better for her that way."
Johanna nodded. "She was mad that I didn't bring you today."
"I'm sorry…I didn't want to cause trouble for you, Jo."
"It's alright; she forgave me."
He hoped that his mother would forgive him too he thought to himself as silence fell between them once more. The minutes ticked by without a sound as Jim felt the weight of her stare. He had ignored it at first but now he couldn't help but squirm beneath it, irritation filling him that she was staring at him but saying nothing. "Why are you staring at me?" he asked more sharply than he intended.
Johanna flinched, his voice startling her from her thoughts. "I'm just trying to let it sink in…trying to convince my brain that you're real. I haven't seen you in thirteen years…how can I not stare?"
He shrugged. "I haven't seen you in thirteen years either but I'm not staring at you."
"Yeah, well, I figure that's because of your guilt…and the fact that you spent those thirteen years having the privilege of knowing I was alive. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to offend you by staring at you. I'll try not to do it anymore."
"You didn't offend me," Jim replied; softening his tone. "I just don't want you to stare too much or you'll notice how much I've aged."
She shook her head. "You're still as handsome as always…it's just that I thought I'd never see you again. That's why I keep looking at you…I just never thought I'd have the chance again."
His throat tightened as he turned away from her; her comment overwhelming him with regret and the grief she had carried. He didn't want her to leave but he suddenly felt like he needed space. "I should go get us some cold drinks," he said quietly.
"You have a mini-bar," Johanna replied, nodding at it across the room.
"It only has Pepsi and you like Coke. I'll go get you a Coke."
"It's not necessary, Jim; I'm fine."
"You should have something to drink," he insisted. "I'll be back…don't leave, okay? Promise me you won't leave."
It was against her better judgment but she nodded anyway, getting the feeling that he just needed a break from their conversation…and truthfully she could probably use one too. "I won't leave," she promised.
Jim nodded and grabbed his wallet and keys from the dresser. "I'll be back."
Johanna sighed deeply as she watched the door of his room close behind him; she felt like the weight of the world had settled onto her shoulders. She leaned back in the chair, the sleeve of his jacket brushing against her shoulder. She smirked a little; he still had that habit of throwing his jacket over the back of a chair she thought to herself as she pulled it down, bringing it to her nose out of some sort of odd reflex. She breathed in his scent, tears pricking her eyes once more…he still smelled the same. Johanna inhaled the scent of his jacket once more, breathing deeply as the dam burst and the tears flowed like they had back in 1999 when she had entered their bedroom and found one of his shirts tossed on the chair. She had cried into it just as she was crying onto his jacket, hoping he wouldn't come back quickly and find her like this. She wasn't sure she'd be able to explain…she wasn't sure she'd be able to shun an offer of his arms for comfort. Johanna clutched the material of his jacket tightly, allowing her emotions to run their course until finally she was able to regain control…forcing herself to lay his jacket over the arm of the chair as she scrubbed her hands over her face. She was tired…suddenly so incredibly tired as if the last thirteen years had finally caught up with her; she closed her eyes, listening to the soft sound of the television as she waited for Jim to come back, falling asleep as the minutes ticked away.
Jim was disgusted with himself as he walked back to the hotel with two cold bottles of Coke in his hand. How the hell was he going to explain to Johanna why it had taken him a half hour to get a Coke? He really hadn't needed to leave the hotel…and yet he had…walking a few blocks to a convenience store when he could've gotten in his car and drove there. He was stupid; there was no other explanation…he was just stupid…stupid for ever taking that case…stupid for not finding a better solution than destroying his family. Stupid for leaving his wife alone in his hotel room while he went on some misguided notion of providing her with a cold Coke.
But he had needed to flee so badly…and getting her a Coke felt like yet another way to prove that he was who he said he was…that he still knew everything about her. He frowned; but maybe that wasn't exactly true anymore…he didn't know how she had spent the last thirteen years. He didn't know what was going on between her and Katie. He didn't really know why she had come to him tonight besides her need to ask family trivia and find out why he hadn't answered her first call. He had hoped that maybe she was coming over to settle things…to give him hope…but so far he wasn't exactly feeling hopeful…and nothing had been settled except maybe convincing her that he was indeed the man she had married.
Jim sighed deeply as he made his way into the hotel and to the elevator; things weren't going to be settled easily…she wasn't just going to let him come home tomorrow no matter how much he wished she would. He didn't know how to fix this or even if he could but he had to try…and maybe if she hadn't gotten tired of waiting on him and was still there, he could ask her if she wanted to try…if she was willing to give him a chance. She had come to him once, surely that had to be a sign that she was willing…that maybe she wanted him back in her life. He could hope for that much, couldn't he?
But first he had to hope that she was still there, Jim thought to himself as the elevator doors opened and he stepped out onto his floor. He hurried to his room and unlocked it, bracing himself for the sight of an empty room but after a brief moment of panic; he spotted his wife curled up in the chair; sound asleep as the TV played in the background. He quietly closed the door and locked it; carrying the sodas to the mini bar and putting them away since it looked like they wouldn't be needed right now.
Jim moved into the small sitting area of the room and studied his wife as she slept…he couldn't let her sleep in the chair all night; she'd be uncomfortable and achy in the morning. He wasn't about to let her drive home either; it was too late and she was too tired to be on the road and he didn't she'd want him driving her home. He glanced at his bed…she'd be more comfortable there but she didn't want him to touch her…but past history had shown that he could quite easily scoop her up in his arms and carry her to bed without her waking.
But what if she didn't sleep as soundly as she used to? What if she woke just as he lifted her into his arms? She'd want to leave for sure then and he didn't want that…but her comfort had to outweigh his fear, he figured as he quietly made his way to her. He took another minute to study her, seeing how relaxed her features were in sleep, a lock of hair falling across her cheek. He reached out and brushed it back, allowing his fingertips to trail along her jawline for a second. She didn't stir and so he took the risk of picking her up, standing stock still for a moment once he had her in his arms. She stirred, snuggling against his chest for a moment. His heart beat wildly as she stayed asleep and he swiftly carried her to the bed and laid her down on his side, watching as she shifted and made herself comfortable, her hand fisting the corner of his pillowcase. Jim pulled the covers up over her, brushing a soft kiss against her cheek before he grabbed the other pillow and moved to the couch to settle in for the night. He'd like nothing more than to settle in beside her but he knew he couldn't…he had to respect her need for space. Maybe in the morning they could have that talk about where to go from here.