A/N: Thanks for your reviews and sorry for the delay. Life has been stressful this month and my characters insisted on doing this chapter their way instead of my way which means Jim's meeting with Elizabeth will be in the next chapter..
Chapter 14
Jim stepped out of the bathroom the next morning rubbing a hand against his freshly shaved cheek; tiredness dogging his heels. He glanced toward his bed and saw that his wife was still curled up beneath the covers and sound asleep. He smiled a little; he was glad she was sleeping because he had hardly slept at all; how could he when she was so near and yet he still wasn't allowed to have her. He had ached with longing all night; wishing he could slip into that bed with her, hold her close, breathe in her scent, allow his fingertips to brush across her skin. He breathed deeply and exhaled slowly; it seemed like life like to torment him. Yesterday morning when he had woke, he had been determined that he'd be sleeping in his bed at home that night, his wife at his side. Instead he was in a hotel room…his wife in his bed and him on the couch because she didn't want him getting too close.
It hurt, he couldn't deny that…and he knew she was hurting too and trying to protect herself but it only made him more determined to turn things around. Maybe since she had spent the night they could talk some more…he'd order breakfast for the two of them and maybe they could settle things over breakfast or at the very least come to some kind of agreement for going forward.
Breakfast seemed like a good idea; he could go order it while she was still asleep and when he came back, he could wake her gently…and maybe being in the haze of sleep she might be more receptive to him. It seemed like a good plan…better than having no plan at all, he reasoned. He heard her phone chime in the pocket of her purse and he moved toward it where it rested on the stand by the sofa; he wouldn't invade her privacy by checking it but he would move it to the nightstand where she'd hear it if it rang while he was gone…and he imagined that it would be ringing soon, she should be up and ready for work…and he doubted she had thought to call the evening before and inform them that she wouldn't be in. Jim slipped her phone out of the pocket of her purse and then picked up the bag as well and carried both to the nightstand, placing the phone within easy reach for her.
He grabbed his own phone from the other nightstand and his key and headed for the door; he'd order her a nice breakfast and maybe things would get on track before they went to see his mother…at least he hoped that would be the case…because he'd really prefer them to work things out at home. Maybe it would be easier in more familiar surroundings…maybe it would be easier for her to accept him if he was with her every day…if she didn't let him come home, how was he supposed to win her back?
Jim sighed quietly as he glanced wistfully at his sleeping wife; he'd figure it out, one way or another…but he'd hope breakfast would be a good starting point. With that thought in mind he quickly and quietly moved to the door to go downstairs and order breakfast so that he wouldn't disturb her.
The sound of her phone ringing broke through her dreams, making Johanna groan as she reached for the offending device, her eyes still half closed. She fumbled with the phone for a second, finally managing to accept the call without even looking to see who it was. "Hello?" she said, her voice gritty with sleep.
"Mom, where are you?" her daughter asked.
Her tired eyes closed, her brow furrowing at the odd question. "I'm in bed."
"Mom," Kate said more firmly. "I'm at the house; you're not here. Where are you?"
"I don't know," Johanna mumbled, trying to shake off the cobwebs as sleep wanted to pull her back under.
"Mother," her daughter snapped. "What do you mean you don't know? Are you drunk?!"
"What?" Johanna asked; the question jarring her further into wakefulness. "No, I'm not drunk!"
"Then where the hell are you? Are you with him!?"
"Who?!"
"You know who! Your husband who returned from the dead yesterday."
"Oh; you mean your father," she muttered as she pushed herself upright and glanced around the room. She didn't see Jim…and she wasn't sure how she ended up in his bed…but she sure as hell couldn't tell Katie that she was there.
"That's what he claims."
"That's what I know," Johanna replied.
"Are you with him?"
"No," she lied. "I couldn't sleep so I went out for a drive…and I know, I promised I wouldn't leave the house but I had things on my mind, Katie. I went driving and got tired so I stopped and got a room so I could go to sleep…I didn't want to keep driving when I was feeling so tired."
"Okay," Kate said, forcing herself to soften her tone. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine…just still a little tired," she remarked; which was the truth, she did still feel tired…and she wondered where Jim was…and hoped he wouldn't reappear until she was off the phone with Katie.
"Do you need me to come get you?" Kate asked.
"No, I'll be fine once I get moving around. It was very late when I fell asleep that's all. You know how your brain is slow to catch up when you haven't slept much."
"Yeah; I know," her daughter murmured.
"Did you get any rest?" she asked her.
"Some," Kate replied; thinking about how she had spent most of the night torn between crying against Castle's chest and pacing the floors in rage before exhaustion won out around three that morning. "When you didn't answer my text this morning I got worried and figured I better come over and check on you."
"I'm sorry," Johanna replied; "I didn't mean to make you worry."
"I know. Have you heard from him?"
She sighed a little; this was why lying was sticky business…she had to confess that she had made plans for him to see his mother but couldn't let her know that she was indeed in his hotel room and had been overnight. "Yeah…I called his number to see if he'd answer because I know your grandmother wants to see him."
"He answered this time?"
"Yes…he's going to go see her today around noon."
"Why didn't he answer the first time you called while we were at Grandma's?"
"He claims he forgot his phone while he went out for awhile."
"How convenient," Kate remarked sarcastically. "You're not buying that, are you?"
"Part of me does, part of me doesn't," she said honestly; "I can't prove anything though so I just had to take his word for it."
"When are you coming home?" her daughter asked.
"In a little while; I need to get awake first, Katie."
"Right before I called you, Mark called to say you haven't arrived at work yet…I didn't tell him anything; I didn't think you'd want me to. He said he called the house phone and you didn't answer; I told him I'd try to find you…I didn't bother to tell him you wouldn't be in today, I figure you should do that yourself. He'll probably be calling…or Sharon will be, so brace yourself for that."
Johanna scrubbed a hand over her face. "I'm definitely not going in today but I don't know what reason to give…it sure as hell isn't going to be the real one."
"Just say personal reasons," Kate replied. "I wish I could go to work but since Gates benched me for a few days I have to make myself content with texting Ryan and Esposito to see if they've found anything for me in between working on the case I was on yesterday. I'll try to do some research on my own…but without access to the precinct databases it won't be as in depth as I'd like. I'll have to wait on the guys to do it."
"What exactly are you looking for?" she asked.
"I want to make sure that Agent is on the up and up…I want to look into this name that your husband has been going by…"
"You mean your father," she interrupted.
"Same thing," Kate remarked. "I want to make sure he isn't dragging anything with him that's going to blow back on us…I want to be sure he's on the up and up."
"I don't think he'd come back here if there was a chance we'd get hurt, Katie," Johanna said softly.
"I don't trust him, Mom; I don't trust him at all and I don't think you should either until we have some proof that everything is the way it was told to us. I'm not just doing this for me…I'm doing it for you too. I don't want you to be hurt by him again."
"I know," Johanna said softly; which was why she really shouldn't still be in his room. She need to leave…needed to get away before she lowered her guard and had her heart shattered again as Katie alluded to.
"I'm not trying to hurt you by saying that," her daughter remarked, her tone softening.
"I know you're not," she assured.
"We don't know anything about him anymore…and I can't help wondering if we ever did since he was able to pull this off."
That feeling kept flicking through her mind too, Johanna thought to herself.
"Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"I thought maybe I lost you," Kate remarked; "You didn't say anything."
"I'm sorry…I just…" Johanna trailed off.
"I know," she replied. "You're overwhelmed…so am I…I guess we will be for awhile…so much for life settling down, huh?" she said, a crack in her voice.
"Yeah…we always get a curve ball, don't we, baby?" Johanna murmured.
"More like a foul ball to the head," her daughter remarked.
"That too."
Kate breathed deeply. "I'm going to let you get up and get awake so you can get back home when you're ready."
"What are you going to do?" Johanna asked.
"I don't know," she sighed. "I'll probably go back to the loft and try to do some research on the computer and then I'll probably let Castle talk me into going out somewhere to distract me although I'm not sure I'm going to be easily distracted but I'll try."
"Alright; be careful."
"I will be…you be careful too…let me know you got home, okay?"
"I will, I promise. I might stop somewhere and get some coffee…maybe eat breakfast, I don't feel like cooking, so don't panic if I don't text for a little while."
"Alright. I love you."
"I love you too," she told her. "I'll talk to you after while."
Johanna ended the call and was about to lay the phone back down on the nightstand where she noted her purse had been laid as well but the phone rang once more and she sighed deeply before seeing that it was Elizabeth's name on the screen.
"Hello, Liz," she answered. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," her mother-in-law replied. "What about you, are you okay?"
"As much as I can be," Johanna admitted. "Did you take your medicine?"
"Yes, as soon as I got downstairs," the old woman replied. "Have you heard from Jimmy? There weren't any messages on the answering machine so I know no one called overnight."
"Yes, I've talked to him. He's going to come over to see you today."
"When?" her mother-in-law asked, eagerness in her voice.
"I told him to come around noon so you'd have time to get ready for him…is that okay?"
"Yes; noon is fine…you will be here too, won't you?"
"I'll be there, don't worry about that," Johanna assured.
A clattering sound was heard in the background before Elizabeth could say anything more. "What was that?" Johanna asked.
"Andrew and Gabby are making a mess of my kitchen; they insisted on making breakfast instead of letting me fix my own breakfast like I always do. I better go see what the damage is; I'll be shooing them out before Jimmy gets here…he doesn't need to be overwhelmed on the spot. It'll be better just the three of us. Let me know if anything changes."
"I will; but he'll be there," she promised. "I'll see you in a little while."
"See you later," Elizabeth said before hanging up the phone.
Her phone was still in her hand as the hotel door opened and Jim slipped inside, closing the door quietly behind him before he glanced to the bed and flinched, seeing that she was awake. "Hey," he said quietly.
"Hey," she replied; awkwardness filling the room.
"I thought you'd probably be asleep for awhile longer," Jim said as he moved closer to the bed.
"I don't remember getting in this bed," she stated quietly.
"You were asleep in the chair when I got back…I didn't want you to be uncomfortable…and I didn't want to wake you…so I moved you to the bed…like I used to when you'd fall asleep on the couch sometimes," he replied.
She said nothing, knowing that he always had carried her to bed if she fell asleep on the couch. She had felt so tired while waiting for him to come back…she was still tired…as if the past thirteen years had finally caught up and slammed into her. Her phone rang in her hand before she could say anything and she huffed in slight annoyance as she saw Sharon's name on the screen.
"Hello," she answered.
"Where are you!?" Sharon demanded to know. "It's a little after eight."
Johanna breathed deeply. "I'm not coming in today, Sharon. Reschedule my afternoon meetings."
"Why aren't you coming in?" her secretary demanded to know.
"Personal reasons," Johanna said tartly.
"What kind of personal reasons? Are you hungover? Because that's what your personal reasons used to be."
"No, I'm not hungover," she shot back.
"Then why can't you come to work?"
"Because I'm not. I don't feel well, okay…and again, no, I'm not hungover. I just don't feel good and I'm not coming in. So reschedule the meetings and leave me alone."
"Are you coming in tomorrow?"
"I don't know! I'll let you know tomorrow; it depends on if I feel better or not. I'm going back to bed now, goodbye," Johanna said before disconnecting the call.
"She's probably not going to believe you," Jim remarked as he stood near the bed.
"She never does…but I really don't care."
"You seemed annoyed with her before you even answered," he said casually.
"That's because Sharon gets more annoying every year."
He nodded. "Maybe it's time to put her out to pasture."
"I'm going to put her out alright," she muttered as her phone rang again. "And there's the next one. Hello, Mark;" she answered.
"Sharon says you're not coming in," her boss stated.
"That's right, I'm not."
"She said you claimed personal reasons and then faked sick."
Johanna scoffed; if they only knew how sick she really did feel in the pit of her stomach. "I'm not faking, I do feel sick…if you want me to get a doctor's note, I'll drag myself out to an urgent care center and get one."
"No," Mark said cautiously; "I'll take your word for it…but you could've called and let us know."
"I was asleep!" she exclaimed. "I slept through the damn alarm. People do that when they're tired and don't feel well."
"Alright," Mark sighed in exasperation. "Maybe it is a good thing you're retiring in September…you seem to get more erratic as time goes by and maybe you don't realize it but it's stressful to the people around you."
"And you think all of you don't cause me stress?" she asked.
"I think we're all much more stable than you are, Johanna. You always seem to be going through these cycles of being settled for awhile and then acting up again…it gets old."
"Go to hell, Mark," she sighed before disconnecting the call; not carrying if he fired her or not, she had bigger issues…like the one starring at her as he stood by the foot of the bed.
"Are you trying to get fired?" Jim asked.
"No, he's just an ass."
"Mark?" he said in surprise. "You've always got along well with Mark."
"Yeah, well, people change," she muttered. "He's not the well liked boss he used to be and he doesn't think I'm the person I used to be…so we don't exactly mesh well anymore."
"Maybe I should have a word with him," Jim remarked; ire rising in his veins at the idea that his former friend might be mistreating his wife at work.
"Before or after he falls over from the shock of seeing you?" she asked.
"Whichever he prefers…I'm serious; I'll take care of the problem."
Johanna shook her head. "It's nothing I can't handle…I've been dealing with him for a long time, it's nothing new."
He knew she hadn't meant anything with the way she had phrased her statement but it slammed into him anyway. "I'm sorry," he murmured; knowing that she'd had to deal with things on her own…without his support or protection.
The note of remorse in his tone sent a pang of anguish through her heart. "I didn't mean anything by the way I said it," she said quietly.
"I know…but it doesn't make me less sorry that I haven't been there to take care of things for you."
She shifted around so that she was sitting on the side of the bed; Katie's words echoing in her head and her own need not to drop her guard too quickly. She couldn't just rush headlong into this.
"I should go," Johanna said as she raked back her tousled hair; the silence between them unnerving, only serving to remind her that she felt like he was a stranger.
"Stay," Jim replied; "Just for a little while."
"I need to go home…I didn't intend to stay…I don't even have anything with me, not even a toothbrush."
"There's a new toothbrush in the bathroom; it's still sealed in the plastic…and I'm sure you have a hairbrush in your purse…you always do. Besides, I already ordered breakfast."
"I'm not hungry," she remarked as she remained seated on the edge of the bed; her stomach feeling raw from the turmoil of the last several hours.
"You should eat," he insisted; "I know you…I know you probably didn't eat last night; you probably haven't ate since lunch yesterday. I ordered breakfast for both of us…you don't want me to look like a fool, do you? Or worse yet a hog ordering two breakfasts for myself."
"You're awful presumptuous to order two breakfasts anyway," Johanna replied. "Things aren't magically better just because I fell asleep waiting for you to come back last night. You must've gone to the manufacturer for that soda."
"No; I walked a few blocks to a store…I just needed a few minutes; I didn't realize I'd take as long as I did…but I'm glad you stayed."
"I didn't mean to."
"I know…but you did and you're here…and breakfast is ordered. You'll feel better if you eat. I got you hashbrowns; I know how much you love them. Please stay."
"I don't know," she murmured; her head and heart at war once more.
"Please," he pleaded. "I got you tea instead of coffee too…and your soda is in the mini-bar."
He was trying to prove himself, Johanna thought as her gaze drifted away from him to the sofa where a pillow and crumpled blanket laid. Maybe eating breakfast with him was the least she could do since she was the reason he had spent the night on the couch in his own hotel room. "Alright," she relented softly; although it was really against her better judgment.
Jim smiled, forcing himself not to reach for her. "Thank you, sweetheart," he said quietly. "It'll be here soon. You'll find everything you need in the bathroom."
Johanna pushed herself off the side of the bed and padded to the bathroom that Jim indicated with a wave of his hand. She slipped through the door and locked it behind her, moving to the sink and looking into the mirror. She wasn't surprised to see that she was still pale…that she looked weary, her eyes still looking tired despite getting a few hours sleep. She felt the same weight on her shoulders that she had felt thirteen years ago, the one that constantly whispered in her ear "What do I do now?"
She turned on the water, splashing some on her face as her mind drifted back to the morning of January 10, 1999 when she had stepped into her bathroom at dawn on that first morning without Jim. That same pale face had stared back at her in the mirror as she squinted against the bright shafts of sunlight piercing through the window as the sun came up. It felt wrong that the sun would be shining…and even though she knew it was cold outside, it wasn't cold enough to compare to the chill in her veins. She hadn't slept at all the night before…she had been too busy spiraling into a world that she didn't know; the one without her husband…the one she couldn't fathom. She had spent the night feeling those deep waves of grief pulling her under as she notified family and friends. She had held Katie until finally her daughter had cried herself to sleep on the living room sofa.
Johanna splashed more cold water on her face as memories of that night and morning continued to sweep through her mind. Andrew had stayed with Elizabeth once she had been informed…after their trip to the morgue when the full thrust of the situation had set in with stark reality. Elizabeth had offered for her and Katie to spend the night there too but they had opted to go home. When they had gotten there, she found her own brother on the porch; it had surprised her…they had been somewhat estranged since their mother's passing despite her staying close to her sister-in-law…but her tearful phone call to Valerie had sent Frankie to her door late that night. He stayed with them that night, watching her quietly; dialing the phone for her when her fingers shook too much to do it herself. He even handled some of the calls for her when she couldn't bear it any longer. After Katie had fallen asleep, Frankie quietly followed her to the kitchen and held her while she sobbed quietly so that her daughter could rest. He had shown her what a good brother he could be in those days…and he still was, always checking on her to make sure she was okay…doing simple repairs and making sure her car always had oil in it since Jim wasn't there to check it for her anymore. She had dinner with him and Valerie every other Saturday…and she wondered how she'd tell them this latest development. She imagined that Frankie would be livid.
Johanna grabbed the soap and lathered her hands, roughly washing her face in the cold water. How was she going to tell everyone? It wasn't exactly something you could announce on Facebook…although maybe she should give it some thought; then she wouldn't have to tell people over and over…they'd all think she was crazy at once and it would be quicker. She shook her head as she rinsed her face, no; that wasn't a viable option. She grabbed the towel and dried her face and then grabbed the toothbrush her husband had left on the counter for her. It was still hard to wrap her head around the fact that just yesterday she had woken up with the knowledge that she'd never see her husband again…and this morning he was in the next room.
Her mind was a constant swirl of memories and anguish as she brushed her teeth. Her life hadn't felt stable since Jim had left her…and it felt even shakier now. She didn't like feeling unsure about all of this. She didn't like feeling like the man she had married was a stranger. She didn't like feeling unsure about him. She wasn't the same trusting woman he had left thirteen years ago. Over a decade alone had made her somewhat harder…it had made her less trusting…it had changed her in ways she hadn't expected. She wasn't entirely the same…so how could he be the same? How did she know if she could still trust him like she always had? Wasn't that one of the reasons she had come over in the first place? Because he hadn't responded to her call from Elizabeth's and she had needed proof that he hadn't fled the city.
Her stomach knotted; that was one of her main concerns that she wasn't really allowing herself to think about; that even though she didn't know how to feel or what to do…she was still afraid he'd disappear again. What would she do then? Her head throbbed; there were too many questions for so early in the morning. Johanna finished brushing her teeth and washed her hands; a part of her wishing that she hadn't agreed to stay…but she had…and if she changed her mind, he might leave…and while she needed time, she didn't want him to leave.
A knock on the bathroom door made her flinch. "Jo," Jim called out from the other side. "Breakfast is here."
"I'll be there in a minute," she answered; the thought of breakfast making her stomach feel sick.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"As much as I can be," she answered.
Her husband remained silent and she felt badly for her answer but it was the only one she could truthfully give. She took a few breaths and one long last look in the mirror, that first morning without him still on her mind. She did her best to shake it off, to push those memories back into the box they belonged in before she finally unlocked the door and stepped back out into the room to face her husband. She found him sitting on the foot of the bed, his head lowered and her mind filled with more memories of times when she had found him like that, his troubles weighing heavily on him. Back then, she had always gone to him…softly raking her fingers through his hair as he'd wrap his arms around her waist, moving his head to rest against her as she spoke softly to him. Johanna ached inside, part of her wanting to go to him…to run her fingers through his hair…to feel the weight of his head laying against her body as she comforted him. She took a step forward just as he raised his head and she paused, her brain catching up with what her heart almost allowed her to do.
"Are you ready to eat?" Jim asked quietly.
She nodded although she wasn't sure she could do more than choke down a few bites.
Jim rose from the bed, moving in her direction, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. He wondered if he could take the risk of reaching out and enfolding her in his arms…if it would soften her stance…if it would make any difference at all. All he wanted was to be near her…to touch her…to be the way they always had been instead of being under this oppressive air that filled the room. He didn't take the risk, merely gestured for her to follow him to the small table where their breakfast had been set up.
He pulled out her chair for her and she sat down, tears filling her eyes as he sat down across from her. She hurriedly glanced toward the window, feigning interest in the skyline outside as she tried to hold it together. It had been so long since she looked across a table and saw him there…the last meal they had shared together had been breakfast; he hadn't had time to meet her and Katie for lunch that day which was why they had made plans to meet for dinner that night. The lump in her throat grew and she had to force herself not to get up and flee the room.
"Jo," Jim said, watching the play of emotions move across her face as she kept her gaze turned away from him.
"What?" she asked; her voice taunt with emotion.
"What's wrong?"
"Everything," she murmured; "Everything's been wrong for a very long time."
"Give me something specific for this moment right here," he prodded. "Why are you crying?"
"I'm not."
"Because you're forcing yourself not to," Jim remarked; "But I see it, Jo…I saw your eyes before you looked away. Tell me what you're thinking about."
She swallowed hard. "I'm thinking about how breakfast was the last meal I shared with you," she said; her tone somewhat curt. "I'm thinking about how the night before you said you wouldn't be able to meet Katie and I for lunch…that we'd meet for dinner instead…and now I know you made those plans with me while knowing all along that you weren't going to meet us for dinner…that you weren't coming home to us that night. You looked me in my face and lied to me."
"I didn't want to, Jo; I had to."
"And you did it so easily," she went on; "I've been thinking about that ever since I got home yesterday…how you made those plans with us knowing you wouldn't be there…how you lied without me even realizing it…and I usually always knew when you were lying…I knew your tell…and yet I didn't see it that day…I didn't see it. You lied so well that I didn't pick up the slightest hint."
"Because I had to," he stated once more; doing his best not to get offended because he could feel his defenses rising despite himself. "I didn't like lying to you. It wasn't easy for me to do despite what you think. It wasn't easy for me to leave you that morning knowing what was going to happen."
A tear broke free despite her resolve, rolling down her cheek and she couldn't find it within her to care.
"Don't cry," Jim murmured. "I'm sorry…I know it's not enough but I am. I didn't have a choice."
"I don't want you to be sorry for being alive," she said more sharply than she intended. "I get that you didn't have a choice…but I don't have a choice in being hurt by it either. I can't just make it stop, Jim. If I had the power to make pain stop, I would've stopped it thirteen years ago. I just…I can't help it that I hurt right now. You don't know how badly I've always wanted it to be some mistake…and I finally got my wish in a round about way but it hurts…it hurts so badly."
"Do you think I didn't hurt?" he asked, his tone carrying a bite. "Do you think I just went on without any pain in regard to the situation?"
"I didn't say you didn't hurt."
"No, you're just acting like you corner the market on feeling pain from this," Jim retorted; "Well you don't, Johanna. I hurt too…you're pain isn't better than mine."
"I didn't say it was," she replied; her own anger rising.
"You act like it."
"No, I don't. You asked what was wrong, I told you…I told you that I'm hurting…and instead of understanding that like my husband used to, you want to act like its some competition in who can claim the most hurt. I'm not trying to compete with you, I was only telling you the truth…you remember, that's something we used to do," she said bitterly as she shoved back her chair and began to get up.
"What are you doing?" Jim asked.
"Leaving like I should've done last night."
Panic filled him. "No," he said as he got up from his chair and caught hold of her wrist. "Please, don't go."
She shook off his touch, her eyes blazing as she looked at him. "I think maybe it's better if I do."
Jim shook his head. "No…please…you're right, it's not a competition. I asked a question and you answered…I'm sorry. Sit back down and eat your breakfast…please."
She knew she shouldn't but she sat back down despite herself; angrily swiping at the stray teardrops on her cheek.
"This isn't how I wanted our meal to be," Jim said as he too sat back down. "I wanted us to be able to talk."
"If it's about your mother, I talked to her before you came back to the room this morning. I told her you'll be over at noon," Johanna stated as she forced herself to take a bite of the hashbrowns he had ordered her.
"You're going to be there too, aren't you?"
"Yes; I'll be there."
"Are we going to go together?" he asked cautiously.
Johanna glanced at him. "No."
"We could," he told her. "We could…just spend some time together here and then go together."
"No. I need to go home, I need to change clothes."
"I could go with you," he suggested.
"Jim," she sighed.
"Alright," he relented. "But couldn't I just pick you up and drive you over?"
"No, I might want to leave before you and I'm not walking home," Johanna replied.
"How long are you going to avoid me, Jo?"
"I'm not avoiding you! If I was avoiding you I wouldn't be here right now!" she exclaimed. "I told you, I need time…you're going to have to give me time. I know you don't want to…but you're going to have to do it anyway."
"So what am I supposed to do?" Jim asked. "I came home to be with you and you don't seem to want that. Am I not supposed to see you or talk to you until you figure out if you can accept what I had to do or what?"
Anger flickered in her veins. "You know, I find it hard to believe that you were so naïve to think that you'd just waltz back into New York and things would just go back to normal, that we'd just pick up where we left off and pretend nothing happened. When you left, we had known each other for twenty-five years…and we had been together as a couple for the majority of those years…so you'd think that you'd know me a little better. I can't just pretend it didn't happen, Jim. I can't pretend that I haven't spent the last thirteen years grieving for you. I didn't say I wouldn't talk to you. I didn't say I wouldn't see you…I said I wasn't ready to let you go home with me. I feel like I don't even know anything about you right now and you just want me to snap my fingers and say everything is alright and it's not."
"You know me, Jo. I'm still the same man you've always known."
"How do I know that for sure?" she asked as she pushed her eggs around the plate. "Like I said, I feel like I don't know anything about you right now. All I know is that you've been in Virginia…I don't know what you've been doing there…I don't know how you've spent your time…who you've spent it with…I don't know anything."
"What, you think I have some secret wife in Virginia?"
"I didn't say that," she snapped; her emotions raw.
"But you thought it."
"No, I prefer to keep the belief that you wouldn't be a bigamist," Johanna retorted.
"That's good because I'm not…and before the next topic comes up, no I don't have any secret children in Virginia either so Katie can rest assured that she's still my one and only."
Johanna breathed deeply; when she had undertaken her mission last night to ease her mind about his identity, she hadn't for a second entertained the notion that they'd clash so much…but she should've expected it in hindsight. Her husband always liked to be taken for his word…he always liked to have what he wanted when he wanted it and when he didn't get it, he lashed out…and when he was impatient with her and wouldn't give her what she needed, she tended to lash back. She didn't want to fight…but it felt like it was unavoidable at the moment.
"What have you been doing in Virginia?" she asked; doing her best to soften her tone.
"Being a hit man for the mob," he retorted.
Johanna glared at him. "I thought over the years I had tamed your outbreaks of being a jackass but I see that time away from the influence of a wife has returned your jackass gene to its full functioning ability. You could've just said it wasn't any of my business…after all, maybe you need the FBI's permission to give your wife answers since you had to wait until they decided you could come home even though an arrest was made months ago."
"You want to bring up being my wife and yet my wife won't even let me touch her hand."
"Maybe I'd be more inclined if you'd stop acting like I'm committing a crime every time I ask you a question."
Jim blew out a breath; trying to settle his own raw emotions that he kept allowing to get the best of him. "I worked in a firm that specializes in consulting and research for case building."
"I'm surprised they let you stay in the legal field," Johanna replied.
"I'm not qualified for anything else."
"You could've taught law classes."
"No…I don't have the patience for that. That's your thing…you're more suited to it than I am."
"Wasn't Virginia still a bit close to what they wanted to keep you from?" Johanna asked.
"They talked about sending me further away but I said I didn't want to be moved unless there was a threat," Jim replied. "At least in Virginia I was still on the same coast…if something happened, I could get back to New York easily."
"But you didn't," she said before she could stop herself.
His brow furrowed. "What do you mean by that?"
"Katie…last summer she was shot…I almost lost her…and you didn't come. I needed you and you weren't there," she cried.
"I wanted to be," he said, his throat growing tight; "But the agent said it wasn't safe…that if I came to New York just then, I'd be putting her in more danger…and you too. She had already gotten hurt because of me; I couldn't risk putting her in more danger. I couldn't risk putting you in danger. I made him keep me updated about her condition…although it got hard to find out anything once you left the city for two months."
Johanna kept her gaze on her plate. "Katie wanted to get away from the city…I packed her and Elizabeth up and we went to the cabin for those months. I think we all did a little better once we were away from here."
"You still have the cabin?"
"Of course I do…why wouldn't I? You left it to me."
He shrugged. "I don't know…I guess I figured you probably wouldn't go back there without me."
"I go there a lot…I go there when I need to get away. Sometimes I take Elizabeth with me…sometimes I go alone for a long weekend."
"I'm glad you kept it."
"I wouldn't get rid of something that was a part of you or your family…in my mind it will rightfully belong to Katie one day. Did you have a house in Virginia…or one of those condos that's so popular down there?"
"An apartment," Jim answered.
Johanna nodded. "Pizza boxes on the coffee table?"
"Sometimes…but I cleaned them off before I left. I guess if you ever let me come home you'll have to retrain me."
She picked up her cup of tea and took a long sip, ignoring the subtle dig about her allowing him to come home.
Jim fell silent as well, awkwardness filling the air until he couldn't bear it any longer. "I still have some things there in Virginia…you could always go with me when I decide to go get them."
"I don't know about that," she murmured.
"It wouldn't be anytime soon."
"Let's just go one day at a time," Johanna suggested. "I can't think that far ahead right now."
"Do you not want me back in your life, Jo?" he asked before he could stop himself. "If you're happier without me…I won't try to force my way back in."
Her eyes flared with anger. "You think I've been happy these past thirteen years?" she asked angrily. "You think I've been happy to sit at our daughter's college graduation without you? You think I've been happy to go home to an empty house every goddamn day. You think I've been happy thinking you're dead while I'm standing in the cemetery at least once a week, thinking I'm telling you everything that's going on in my life because I just needed to tell you even though you couldn't answer me. Do you really think I've been happy, Jim? Do you think I've been happy watching Katie chase this damn thing, watching her get hurt over it…watching her throw away her own chances of happiness because she just couldn't let it go? Do you think I've been happy growing older without you, letting all the plans and dreams we had wither and die because I couldn't bring myself to even think of doing them without you? Does that sound happy to you?"
"No," he said quietly.
"I haven't been truly happy since the last night I spent with you," Johanna stated; her voice taunt with emotion.
"I haven't been happy either," Jim told her; his voice quiet and gentle, his fingers stretching toward hers and brushing against them softly. "But we could be happy again…together. All we need to do is put it back together…and we can…if you'll just let me come…"
"I need time," she interrupted; knowing he was once again going to ask to go home with her.
"So you can keep pushing me away?"
"No, so I can sort this whole mess out," Johanna said as she pushed back her chair. "I need to go home. I'll see you at your mother's at noon, don't be late."
"Jo," he sighed as he got up and followed her as she searched for her shoes, finding them by the sofa. "Please don't go, you hardly ate anything."
"I'm just not hungry right now," she replied as she moved to the nightstand to grab her phone and purse. "But thanks for breakfast anyway."
Frustration gnawed at him as he followed behind her. "You could just stay and finish your tea…can't you do that?"
"I don't know…I feel like we're just going around in circles," Johanna remarked.
"We don't have to talk about anything important," he replied. "Just finish your tea and then I'll let you go if you're determined to go."
"I have to go."
He nodded. "Okay; after you finish your tea…and maybe take another bite or two if you want. Come on…I won't push anymore right now."
She sighed deeply; knowing she should just go and end this special brand of misery they were subjecting themselves too because they weren't allowing the rawness of the situation to settle…but her heart nagged at her and she sat her purse down. "I'll finish my tea and then I'm leaving…no matter what," she stated.
"Alright," Jim said with a nod.
They moved back to the table and sat down, silence filling the air between them as Johanna sipped her tea. She hated the quietness…and she was trying not to stare at him as it seemed to have upset him the night before when she had stared at him, needing to drink in the sight of him. She didn't know how this was supposed to work…she didn't know a safe topic to speak of that wouldn't lead them back down that trail of snipping at each other. She didn't like to feel this way with him and she didn't know how to make it better without rushing things and it only served to make her feel that spark of anger inside of her but she said nothing…merely sipped her tea as he wanted for some reason…and why she kept giving in was beyond her since she had told herself that she wasn't going to let her heart overrule her brain.
Johanna's gaze dropped to the white table cloth; she knew why…she loved him…hurt and anger couldn't keep her from loving him…but this felt so difficult and she felt out of her depths. She did need time…and he didn't seem to want to give it to her. It felt like the tables had turned in some ways…in the past she had been ready for certain milestones before he was…like from moving from friends to dating…and now he was the one who wanted to push and speed things along.
"What are you thinking about?" Jim asked; breaking into her thoughts.
"Nothing."
"Must be something."
"I'm sure you can guess," Johanna replied.
He gave a nod. "I guess I can. Have you heard from Katie?"
"Yes."
"Is she alright?" he asked.
"As much as she can be right now."
"That seems to be your answer for everything."
"It's the truth," Johanna retorted.
"I want to see her…we need to talk more…all three of us…as a family."
She shook her head. "She's not going to talk to you right now; she's angry. You'll have to give her some time to work through things."
"I've wasted enough time," Jim said bitterly.
"That's not our fault," she retorted; "Take it up with the FBI."
"Don't go thinking I haven't because I have," he shot back. "It's not my fault they didn't do what they should've done. I couldn't make them."
"I know you couldn't…but it's not fair to get angry at us for needing time to adjust when we're not the ones who kept you away," Johanna remarked before finishing the last sip of her tea. "I finished my tea…I'm going home now; no arguments."
"Fine," he murmured as he rose from the table once again to follow her as she collected her purse.
Johanna checked to make sure that she had shoved her phone in the pocket of her bag and then she hooked the strap over her shoulder. "I'll see you at your mother's at noon…don't be late; she's waiting for you."
"I won't be late," he promised.
She nodded as she met his eye. "Good…I'll see you then."
"Jo," Jim sighed.
"What?"
"Don't get mad," he said as he stepped closer.
Her brow furrowed. "About what?" she asked as she started to take a step back.
His hand reached out and curled gently around her waist, keeping her in place. "About what I'm going to do," he replied.
A hint of fear flicked across her face and it pained him. "You don't need to be afraid," he murmured as he slipped his arms around her and pulled her against him in an embrace. "You know I'd never hurt you…and I know you don't want me to touch you…but I just need to hold you for a minute…I just…I just need to," he told her, breathing in the scent of strawberries as he kept her in the circle of his arms. "Because it's all I've been wanting for so long and I just need a minute…just let me have this one thing for today."
She stiffened at first, her arms going around him out of reflex before she could stop them. He tightened his hold on her a little as her head settled against his shoulder. Her eyes closed and she breathed deeply, taking in the scent of him that she had missed for so long. He still smelled the same; she thought to herself as she sank into his embrace without meaning to, her throat tightening as she tried to hold back a sob but it broke free against her will. God she had missed this; the feel of his arms around her…the solid feel of his chest against her…that feeling of being safe and loved.
"It's alright," Jim murmured, nuzzling her hair as he rubbed a hand against her back. "It's alright, sweetheart."
It wasn't, Johanna thought to herself; nothing was alright and she wasn't sure it ever would be…how could it when things had been so wrong for so long?
"Shhh," he whispered; his lips brushing against her hair. "Everything will be alright; I promise."
She wanted to believe that…worse yet, she wanted to just stay buried in his arms for as long as possible but those alarms kept going off in her head, telling her she was rushing…that she needed to be cautious…that Katie was right. She couldn't just give in this easily…not when there were still things she didn't know. With that thought in mind, she forced herself to get her emotions under control and she pulled away from him. "I have to go," she said, swiping at her cheeks as she hurried to the door.
"Johanna," he called after her; feeling that ache of longing deepening as she swept away from him.
"I'll see you at your mother's," she stated as she jerked the door open and hurriedly stepped outside, closing it behind her.
Jim blew out a breath, shoving his hands in his pockets as he stared at the door; for a moment he thought he had made a breakthrough…that he had broken through that protective shell she was building around herself…but he had a feeling she'd only reinforce the barricade, fearing she had let him come too close too easily. He turned to move back to the table to finish his coffee but caught sight of her jacket laying on the stand where he had tossed it the night before. He picked up the soft garment and brought it to his nose, inhaling her scent. He had to fix this…he had to get back home…had to get back to being with his wife, taking care of things and having everything they had planned. They still had time…they could accomplish plenty if they could get past this and he knew it wasn't a small thing to get past…but he wouldn't accept defeat. He'd figure out how to do this…but first he had to make it through seeing his mother and hopefully earning her forgiveness…and then he could give his full concentration to his wife and daughter…because he wasn't going to let him keep him out of their world. Everything he had done, he had done for them…and he had come home for them. Defeat wasn't an option. He was taking back what was his…if only they'd just cooperate a little.