Unraveled

by evitascarlett

An Apologize AU in which the roles are reversed, Johanna lived and Jim was the one who was gone: Their world had unraveled thirteen years ago and they had never really been the same, struggling to move on, to have some sort of peace when nothing felt right without him…and now it was about to unravel once more. See Author's note for more details. Castle Ficathon 2020.

18. Chapter 18

A/N: Thanks for your reviews! There's a small time jump of a week in this chapter.

Chapter 18

A week after Jim left her standing in a barroom while the last strains of their song played around her, Johanna pushed her breakfast around the plate, wondering why she had even bothered to make it. She sighed deeply; the radio on the counter keeping her from complete silence…but she had a feeling that listening to Gladys Knight sing Neither One of Us Wants to be the First to Say Goodbye wasn't exactly a good idea…nor a good way to start her day. A shuddering breath slipped across her lips as she picked up her cup of coffee, hoping the caffeine would kick in soon. Restless nights and heartache didn't inspire her usual level of energy…and she wasn't up to putting on a show of nothing being wrong in her world either but she had been doing her best to fend off Sharon, Mark and Cathy. Jeff was taking her to lunch that day…the absence of a man escorting her to lunch had inspired Sharon to re-launch her campaign in favor of Calvin, and he himself was participating in it as well and she just couldn't deal with that right now. She had enough problems.

The sound of the front door slamming made her flinch and she rubbed her fingers across her forehead, feeling the dull throb of the headache she had woken up with. That could only be Katie, she figured. She glanced up from her plate, her gaze watching the threshold of the kitchen, waiting for her daughter to fill her line of vision. Finally she appeared, dressed in jeans and a purple top, black leather jacket hanging open despite the fact that it was warm out and a jacket wasn't really needed.

"What are you doing out so early?" Johanna inquired as her daughter stepped into the kitchen.

"Why did you give him my phone number?" Kate asked; a touch of anger in her tone.

Johanna gave her a puzzled look. "Who?"

"You know who…him," she said; reluctant to say the word Dad. "Your alleged husband."

She smirked at her. "He is my husband but I didn't give him your number."

"Well he called me so someone had to give it to him."

"That someone wasn't me," her mother said tartly. "I haven't even seen him let alone talked to him so you better go bark up someone else's tree."

"Who else could it be if it wasn't you?!" Kate yelled.

Johanna winced at the sound, the dull ache in her head giving a slight throb. "Don't come in my house yelling at 6:30 in the damn morning," she yelled back. "I'm not lying to you; I haven't seen or talked to your father in a week. You think you're such a hot shot detective, why don't you weigh some evidence…like the fact that he lives with your grandmother…who has your phone number written down in numerous places around her house and in her purse…not to mention the fact that she has it memorized. I think it's pretty likely that if someone gave him your phone number, it was your grandmother."

Kate looked slightly chastened. "Okay, I'm sorry. I discounted the Grandma angle; I didn't think she'd sell me out so easily."

Her mother scoffed. "What universe are you living in?"

"The fucking Twilight Zone it seems like," Kate snapped.

"Watch your mouth."

Kate smirked at her mother. "Why? You say it."

"I'm sixty; I get to say what I want…when you're sixty you can say what you want."

"You're sixty-one."

"Shut up."

A small smile touched her daughter's lips as she pulled out a chair at the table and sat down. "You seem a little cranky yourself this morning."

"Yeah; well, that happens when people come in your kitchen and start yelling at this time of the morning."

"I have a feeling you were cranky before I came in."

Johanna breathed deeply. "Do you want breakfast?"

"No…I'm not hungry right now."

"Did you only come over to accuse me of giving out your number?"

"No," Kate replied as she eyed her. "I also came over because you haven't been very chatty the few times we've talked since last week."

"I've got things on my mind."

"I've also been getting calls about you."

"Jesus Christ," Johanna muttered; "What now?"

"Telling me that you're off…that you're not focused…that you're snapping at people…that you look like hell…and I hate to say this, Mom; but you do look like hell this morning."

Johanna smiled. "Thanks, Sunshine; it's always nice to see you too."

"Well you do…what's going on?

"Nothing."

"It has to be something."

Johanna rose from the table and scrapped her breakfast into the garbage. "I can't imagine, Katie; maybe it's because my life is in shambles again."

Kate eyed her as she came back to the table. "Maybe you need to tell them."

She shook her head. "I don't want to deal with it right now. Let them think what they want."

"It was mentioned that your lunch dates seem to have stopped…Sharon thinks you're either drinking or that you got dumped."

"I'm not drinking…not the way she means; I do occasionally have a drink, Katie; you know that."

"I know…but if something was going to make you go overboard; this would probably be it."

"Well I haven't…I won't lie and say I haven't had a drink since this all started, I have…but I haven't gotten drunk or exceeded my normal limit."

She didn't seem like she was lying so Kate figured it was best not to press the issue. "You're not going overboard in any other way are you? Running or working too much at home?"

"No. I went to the gym yesterday after work but I was only there for a little over an hour. I am trying to make up some time I lost last week workwise but it hasn't been excessive. Why did your father call you?"

"That was a sudden change of subject."

"You came over here and brought it up; you should expect that I'm going to want to know about it," Johanna replied; while also hoping it would get her daughter off this gentling questioning about whether she was still mentally stable.

"He's agreed to take the test," Kate answered.

"Wonder what made him change his mind?"

"I thought maybe it was you," her daughter replied.

Johanna shook her head. "I told you; I haven't seen him or heard from him since that night you asked him for the test."

Kate shifted in her seat a little. "How haven't you seen him when you've been going to Grandma's like usual?"

She sighed heavily; tears stinging her eyes. "He's avoiding me."

"Avoiding you?"

"Yeah," she replied; her foot tapping against the floor; "For someone who supposedly came home for me, he's done a hell of a job of disappearing again."

Kate's jaw tightened; anger flicking deep within her at the thought of her mother's heart being broken again. "What happened?"

Johanna shrugged; tears pooling in her eyes. "I don't really know."

"You have to know."

"I don't know," she exclaimed; "I just…."

"Mom," she sighed; "Just tell me."

"You'll get mad and I don't feel like being lectured by my daughter," Johanna cried.

Kate sighed; her eyes closing as she tried not to cringe. "You slept with him?"

"No! Why would you say that?"

"Because I know how you two were…and I know that you've been alone for a long time…that you're certain it's him…so…you might've…jumped in the deep end."

"No! I didn't do that…I swear I didn't…not that it's any of your business if I had."

"Believe me, I didn't want details," Kate replied; "But if that's not what it is; what was it?"

She wiped away the tears that were slipping down her cheeks. "We had a fight after you left."

"I think it kind of started before I left."

"I guess that's true…but Liz chased us back in the house because we were yelling in the driveway. He left and I got her settled and I left…I didn't feel like going home so I just went out…and wondered around," she said, not wanting to bring up the exact location. "While I was in the city…I ran into Jim."

"And?"

"And we talked a little…and he asked me if I'd go have a drink with him."

Kate's brow rose. "And?"

"And I said yes so we walked to a nearby bar."

Her daughter's jaw tightened. "I didn't push earlier when you mentioned that you've had a drink but knowing that you've been in a bar; just how much drinking did you do there?"

"I told you I haven't been drunk," Johanna said sharply; "And the fact that we had a drink isn't even the point of this conversation."

"Maybe not but I still have to ask…there was an issue before…and I am getting phone calls again."

Anger and frustration flared within her. "I'm not a drunk!" she hissed. "I'm so sick and tired of everyone acting like I am and treating me like I am. What are you going to do when I retire and you don't have your tattle tale group to tell you every mood swing I have?"

"You're getting awfully defensive about the topic," Kate remarked. "Sometimes that means guilt."

"I'm not guilty! I had one drink and sipped at the second but didn't even finish half of it; and since that's all you're worried about, we'll just drop the subject because you don't care what happened. All you care about is treating me like an idiot who doesn't know how to take care of myself."

"That's not true, Mom."

"Yeah; it is," she shot back. "The issue I had was many years ago and yet it's still lorded over me like it was yesterday. I know my limits and I stick to them. I'm a grown woman, I can do what I want and go where I want."

"Yeah; that's true…I just wish it wasn't a bar where you might be inspired to push your limits given the current circumstances," Kate told her.

"The only thing current circumstances make me want to do is run away," Johanna replied. "I wish I could just pack up and go away somewhere and have some damn peace."

"I'd tell you to go but you'd give me a laundry list of excuses of why you can't take a vacation," her daughter replied; "So why don't you do what you usually do and just go to the cabin for a few days and chill out."

"I wish I could…but it's not mine anymore. Your father is alive…it's his. I don't have any right to it now."

"It's yours," Kate said firmly. "He left it to you; it's yours."

She shook her head. "It's his…but I'm not going to argue with you about it," she said as she picked up her cup off coffee to take a drink.

"Are you going to tell me what happened at the bar and why he's avoiding you?" her daughter asked after a few moments of silence had passed.

"Why bother?" Johanna said quietly; "You don't care. All you focus on is where I was and what I had to drink."

Kate suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. "I'm sorry, okay? I can't help it that I worry about you."

"And yet I'm not supposed to worry about you."

Kate sighed deeply. "I'm sorry…I'll try to do better. Now what happened at the bar?"

Johanna stared down into her coffee cup; wondering if she should really divulge the details or not. Her daughter wasn't as compassionate as she used to be; she might tell her that she should've listened in the first place…and she was sure the issue of the bar was going to come up again.

"Mom," Kate said gently; reaching across the table to touch her hand. "Tell me…whatever it was, just tell me, okay? What happened?"

She swiped at the tears on her cheeks, sniffling a little as she avoided her daughter's gaze. "We went to the bar…and we tried not to talk about any of the hard stuff…that was something he included in the invitation; that we didn't have to talk about the hard stuff…we didn't have to talk about you and the test you wanted…we could just talk about whatever came to mind. We couldn't totally avoid some of the hard stuff but we'd back off of it when it was getting to the bickering stage."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Kate replied; trying to prod her along.

"No; it wasn't bad…and when we weren't getting into the hard stuff it was nice…we even laughed a little…talked about a few old memories. There was a 70s cover band and it was Eagles tribute night."

"Your favorite," her daughter stated.

"Yeah…and you know that they meant a lot to your father and I."

"I know," Kate said with a nod. The Eagles were her parents soundtrack to their love affair. "So far it doesn't sound like it was too bad of an evening."

"It wasn't…but then we started arguing again because he took my hand and I let him for a moment and then pulled away. He's very offended that I pull away…but like I told him, I'm just not used to being touched anymore. He got mad and I tried once again to tell him that I wasn't doing it to hurt him. He said maybe we should just be quiet for a little while and while we were being quiet, I was staring at him…I didn't mean to, it's just something I find myself doing when I'm in the room with him because I'm still convincing myself that he's real. He doesn't like it…he gets miffed about it and tells me to stop…which I did…and then I made the mistake."

"What was that?"

Johanna breathed deeply. "I asked him to dance with me."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "Because…the band was playing I Can't Tell You Why and it just felt like it suited the moment…and it reminded me of times when we were at odds with each other long ago when those songs were new….and I…"

"You what?"

"I…I just wanted to be close to him; wanted to make him feel better…wanted both of us to feel better. He asked if I was sure because of the touching issue and I told him I was…he didn't say no even though he was mad so we danced…and it felt good…like old times in some ways."

"Mom…I'm not hearing a reason to avoid you…I mean I don't think you should be getting so cozy with him this fast but…I'm not hearing a reason for why he's avoiding you."

"I'm getting there," she said; her voice cracking once more. "While we were dancing, they started playing our song."

"And?" Kate asked. "Did he not remember that was your song, because if so, then I think we have reason to doubt him."

Johanna shook her head. "No; he knew it was our song…that's when it happened."

"What happened?"

"He kissed me."

Kate's brow rose. "And you slapped him?"

"No!" she cried.

"Then what did you do?"

"I kissed him back, what do you think I did?"

"I thought you'd slap him; that's what you did to the last guy who tried to kiss you."

"That man wasn't my husband and had no business trying to kiss me," Johanna retorted; the tears still falling. "My husband kissed me and I let him…and I kissed him back."

"Am I to take it there was a lot of kissing?"

"There was a good bit," Johanna admitted.

Her daughter eyed her. "Are you sure this isn't leading to sex?"

"There was no sex!" her mother exclaimed.

"Did he want there to be sex?"

"If he did, he didn't say so to me," she remarked; "He just pulled away all of a sudden and told me to go home."

Kate's eyes widened in surprise. "He told you to go home?"

She nodded. "Yeah; he said I should go and I asked what about him and he said he was leaving too…and he did…he left me standing there and I haven't seen him since."

"He left you there!" Kate exclaimed.

"Yes," she sniffed. "He didn't even walk me back to my car. He just took off; didn't even tell me why or what I did wrong."

"He didn't even make sure you got to your car!"

"No; he wasn't even parked all that far from me but by the time I got to my car, he was gone."

"That son of a bitch," Kate muttered.

"Don't call your father that," she chastened.

"Why the hell not?" she asked; "He invites you out and then abandons you without a word about why; some husband he is...that really shows how eager he is to be reunited with his wife. He's out claiming he comes home for us, that he wants to be with you and then leaves you standing in some barroom like some one night fling he picked up and changed his mind about! He deserves to be called worse things!"

"He had texted me a few times earlier that day…and the night before…I thought maybe he'd text me the next day and tell me he was sorry for running out on me but he didn't; and Friday I was supposed to go over to your grandmother's as usual but she called and said he was insisting on taking her out to dinner so I didn't need to come over. Saturday I went to get her for her errands and such and he wasn't there. He wasn't there when I took her home. Sunday he wasn't there when I went to make her dinner. He wasn't there Monday either…and I figure he'll make sure not to be there tonight too. He's avoiding me…I even tried to text him yesterday just to see if he'd respond. He read the message but he didn't answer…so maybe that's my answer."

"What answer?"

"Maybe it's his way of saying that he doesn't want me after all," Johanna cried. "Maybe he didn't feel anything when he kissed me…maybe it made him realize that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. It's been a long time…I'm older now…maybe I'm not as appealing as I used to be…maybe there's someone in Virginia who is that he'd rather be with."

Anger surged through Kate's veins. "Well then he's out of his goddamn mind! You're beautiful and aging gracefully so if he doesn't find you appealing than he's just stupid and deserves whatever slut he can find in Virginia because that's what single men his age go for. You deserve better…and he can just go to hell."

Johanna grabbed a napkin from the table to wipe away the tears that insisted on falling; she'd have to redo her makeup…she'd probably be late for work and yet she didn't care. "I was stupid to go with him that night," she sniffed. "But I've always been stupid when it comes to him."

"You're not stupid," her daughter insisted.

"I am," she said with a nod. "I was stupid…I thought if I went with him and showed that I was open to working on things it would help calm things down…and all it did was change his mind…there was stupid me, letting myself think that maybe I could have my life back…that maybe things could be the same again…and it's not going to be that way. He doesn't want me…it only took a kiss for him to realize that and leave me there alone…again. I figure it won't be long before he heads back to Virginia and picks up his life there…while mine's in pieces all over again," she stated; a hint of anger coloring her tearful voice.

"He better hope I don't shoot him before he gets packed," Kate remarked firmly.

"I should've done it," Johanna said; "But my purse was locked in the car."

"Too many witnesses anyway," her daughter replied.

Johanna tried to bring her emotions back under some measure of control. "I wish I could get away for a few days…but I don't know where to go."

Kate sighed. "Just go to the cabin; it's yours…it was left to you, it's been yours for thirteen years…if he wanted it, he would've asked for it so he'd have a place to live…not that I look for him to stay in New York."

"What about your grandmother?"

"You've gone away for a few days before and she was fine. Andrew can take care of her…and if he can't…I'll go take her dinner; it's not a big deal. You know she always tells you to go."

"I'll think about it," Johanna replied.

"Which means that you won't go even though you want to," her daughter replied.

She shrugged. "I might surprise you. What I really wish is that I didn't have to go to work."

"I know but it's probably best if you do, at least for a little while. The test is at eleven; do you want to come for it?"

Johanna shook her head. "No; I don't need a DNA test to tell me who your father is; I know who I was sleeping with in 1979…and I had been sleeping with him since 1976; so yeah, I have no doubt whatsoever."

Kate smirked at her. "I know there are no doubts of my paternity; the test is to make sure he's the man you were indeed sleeping with in the 70s."

"Believe me, Katie; I am one hundred percent positive that the man you're testing is the man I slept with for over twenty years. I don't need to see cheek swabs to prove it."

"But what if you're wrong? What if we're being played?"

"I'm not wrong," Johanna said firmly; "And I feel like I've already been played so I really don't need a test to prove anything to me. Are you having second thoughts about doing it; is that why you want me there?"

"No; I just thought maybe you'd want to be there in case a war breaks out or something."

"Baby, as much as I love refereeing your wars with your father, I'm in court this morning so I'm afraid I can't make it to this one. You'll have to control your temper on your own."

"Don't you think I'm a little old to still be calling me baby?"

Johanna gave her a hint of a smile. "Now you know that you never win this discussion; I don't care how old you are, you'll always be my baby…and I've been calling you baby since you were the size of a pea, making me throw up ten times a day. It's too late to change now."

Kate rolled her eyes but a small smile of her own dampened the gesture. "Fine; be that way; I guess it's alright as long as it's only at home."

"I'm coming right down to the precinct today and calling you Baby in front of all your friends," Johanna quipped.

Kate laughed. "You probably would."

She smiled. "I do my best to refrain around your friends and colleagues, you know that."

"Unless provoked."

"Right."

"You really have to be in court?" she asked.

"I do," Johanna said with a nod. "In fact I'm going to go get my briefcase now because I forgot to bring it to the kitchen this morning," she said as she rose from the table. "I'll be right back."

Kate nodded, allowing the silence of the kitchen to wrap around her for a moment as she listened to her mother's footsteps head for the office. Her eye strayed to the cabinet near the window above the sink; the one where her parents had always kept their small stash of liquor and where her mother had religiously kept her wine. She had said that she hadn't overindulged…had admitted to having a drink or two since the return of the alleged Jim Beckett…but she kept thinking about the past…and the phone calls. She got up from the chair and went to the cabinet, opening the door and spotting the bottle of wine that was inside. "Son of a bitch," she muttered; noting that the bottle had been opened, some of its contents missing.

"What are you doing?" Johanna asked, pausing at the threshold of the kitchen as she saw Katie with the bottle in her hand.

"I think a better question is what are you doing?" Kate asked sharply.

"It looks like I'm catching you doing an illegal search," her mother remarked.

"No, it looks like I'm catching you lying," Kate retorted.

"I haven't lied to you."

"Then what the hell is this!" she yelled, gesturing with the bottle of wine.

"It's a bottle of wine," Johanna said as she laid her briefcase on the counter; "And you'll notice that it's not even half empty."

"Why do you even have it?" her daughter asked sharply. "We agreed that you wouldn't keep alcohol in the house."

"I didn't buy it," Johanna shot back.

"Then how did you get it?"

"My husband bought it for me," she exclaimed.

"And you didn't bother to tell him that you don't keep wine in the house anymore."

"No, I didn't."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want him looking at me the way you do," Johanna answered as she stalked toward her and jerked the bottle out of her hand.

"If he wanted to buy you something, he could've bought you dinner."

"He bought me the wine. I've had it for a week, Katie; and it's not even half empty."

"You shouldn't have it period."

"I'm a grown woman who knows her limits and can have whatever the hell I want in my house," Johanna retorted. "If I wanted to drink the whole bottle at once, I've had plenty of opportunities to do it, but I haven't. Like I said, I've had it for a week; if I wanted to drown in it, I would've finished it last week."

"Fine, if you don't want it; pour it out then. You don't need it."

"No, I won't," she stated. "I like an occasional glass of wine after work…not every day; just once in awhile. I've only had two glasses out of this bottle, Katie…and they weren't even full glasses."

"You shouldn't have it," Kate said firmly; "Having it here will only tempt you to have more."

"It does not!"

"You said you wouldn't keep it in the house."

"And I haven't; this is the first bottle that's been in this house in years and you're not even listening to the fact that I've only had two glasses out of it and they weren't even on the same day."

"Why did he buy you wine anyway?"

"What does it matter?" she asked.

"Inquiring minds want to know since his gift was more important than the promise you made to me."

"I promised you that I'd stop going overboard," Johanna replied. "I didn't say I'd never own another bottle of wine for the rest of my life. That was you saying that; and for all this time I've done that…and if I thought I couldn't stick to my limits, I wouldn't have taken that bottle; but I know I can…and I have, you can see that by looking at it."

"I'm looking at it," Kate said, jerking the bottle back out of her hand; "And I'm thinking about the state of our lives at the moment and I see the potential for disaster…you shouldn't have this."

Anger tightened her jaw and she grabbed the bottle of wine back out of her daughter's grasp, taking it to the sink and smashing it against the stainless steel basin, allowing the wine and broken glass to fall into the sink. "There, Katie; you've gotten your way as always," she said sharply. "Now you can go test your father and feel like you've punished us both."

Kate sighed as she looked at the broken glass and splattered red wine stains. "You got wine on your blouse with your tempter tantrum."

"I didn't like this blouse much anyway," Johanna stated. "I've got a new dress; I'll go put it on. I should wear a dress anyway; Sharon's mentioned my lack of lunch dates to me too so I'm having lunch with Jeff; I should dress for it to make it look good for her. As for temper tantrums…I think I deserve to have one now and then. To you that bottle was something bad…to me it was a gift from my husband…before he suddenly changed his mind and walked out on me. If I was going to drink the whole bottle I would've done it that night…but I didn't. I didn't want to reach the bottom of that one…because it was from him and as long as it was in the cupboard, I had something new from him. But you can't ever just stop and let something be."

"Because I know what happened before," her daughter replied.

"Because you don't trust me," Johanna said as she held her gaze. "And I have to tell you, I'm getting a little tired of that…so why don't you work on it and I'll work on getting over this whole mess my life is, okay? I need to go change and redo my makeup so I can get to work…you should probably be getting to your job too."

"Mom," she sighed.

"What?"

"I'm sorry…I just worry. I don't want to lose you too," she said, her voice cracking.

"I'm not going anywhere," her mother replied; "Even in my darkest moments I'm living for the day when you have a daughter just like you or worse because I want to laugh…a lot…and say I told you so and bask in my glory of rightness."

Kate laughed despite herself. "I'll try not to disappoint you."

Johanna gave her a small smile. "Don't get me wrong, I'll also happily accept a grandson…but there has to be a granddaughter at some point…you must have your comeuppance, sweetheart…just like I had mine."

"Family tradition," Kate said with a nod as she gave into the urge to pull her mother into a hug.

"Very true. Now you go on to work, I'm fine…let me know how things go."

"I will," she promised; "And if I can arrange for him to accidentally get hit in the face for hurting you again, I will."

Johanna nodded as she gave her a tight squeeze. "If that should happen…try to get a video so I can watch."

"I'll do my best. Good luck in court."

She released her, conjuring up a smile for her. "Thank you…I'll call you later."

They said their goodbyes and Kate headed back for the door as Johanna headed back upstairs to changer her clothes. Court would be a good distraction…but it wouldn't be enough…nothing was going to be enough at the moment.

---

Jim Beckett walked into the medical building complex feeling the effects of yet another restless night that he had spent tossing and turning. His life was a mess and he didn't have any idea of how to fix it…but of course it had been in shambles for a long time. In Virginia, it had been a more organized type of shamble…here in New York; it was more like exploded baggage that couldn't be neatly repacked no matter how hard you tried. His head ached a little as he made his way to the elevator and pushed the button. He felt uneasy having this test preformed by a medical examiner but his mother had informed him that Doctor Parrish was a friend of Katie's. That information hadn't put him at ease either. If Katie was bound and determined to discredit him, a friend might be willing to help her out. He didn't like having that thought and he hoped that both women would value their careers over an attempt to tamper with results.

Jim sighed deeply; pacing the small area in front of the elevator as he waited for the doors to open, wondering what was taking it so long. In all of the scenarios he had imagined for his homecoming, taking a DNA test hadn't been one of them. He would've never thought that he'd have to prove paternity to his own child. The thought made him feel sick but he'd do it anyway…maybe it would help. Maybe then Katie would talk to him…maybe his brother would stop looking at him with suspicion. Maybe it would settle Johanna's anxiety.

Johanna, he thought, a pang racing through his heart as the elevator doors finally slid open. His mind had been full of nothing but his wife and the memory of the kisses they had shared at the bar…the memory of how her hands had softly explored him while they danced; searing his skin and filling him with longing. The moments he had been wanting had been there for the taking…and he had left her standing there alone. He closed his eyes, self loathing washing over him; he couldn't forget the look on her face when he had left her there in the barroom. He hadn't seen her since…hadn't been able to face her in a week…and not seeing her was driving him crazy. There had been plenty of opportunities to see her; she was at his mother's several evenings a week…and he had made sure to be absent for all of them. He was his own worst enemy, Jim thought to himself; he was the one being distant; telling himself that it would be best…that he was giving her the space and time she had said she needed. He shouldn't have kissed her…no matter how good it felt or how much he had wanted it. He had been pushy…taking advantage of her vulnerability…and if it had gone on; who knows what might have happened but he knew for sure it would've blown up in his face. It was better to back off for now…let her adjust to the knowledge that he was alive…and then maybe they could try again.

He wanted to see her sooner rather than later though…going from seeing her those first few days to not seeing her at all was bringing back bad memories. He figured she might be here for the test though; Katie might want her to be present and drag her to it. It wasn't the ideal place to see her but at least he'd catch a glimpse. His mother was against him giving into Katie's demands…she also didn't understand why he was suddenly finding reasons to leave when it was time for Johanna to come over. He told her he was respecting Johanna's need for time…but Elizabeth Beckett had looked him in the eye and called him a liar; saying that she knew something must've gone wrong somewhere. He hadn't offered details…apparently Johanna hadn't either…leaving him to believe that maybe she was more comfortable with him not being in his mother's home. He had noticed that his mother didn't seem so anxious about the evening if he told her in advance that he wouldn't be there during Johanna's visit. Maybe it was best for both women…Johanna was probably able to relax and his mother didn't have to worry about playing the neutral party or having her routines interrupted.

Another sigh crossed his lips as the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened. He stepped into the hallway, his eyes finding his daughter leaning against the wall a few feet away. "Katie," he said; drawing her attention.

"It's Kate," she said firmly.

"It's been Katie since the day you were born; I'm not about to change now," Jim stated; "But I can call you Katherine Houghton...although I know how much you hate to be middle named."

"You can call me Detective Beckett."

Jim laughed. "Hell will freeze over before I call you that, Princess."

Kate smirked at him. "I thought you said hell would freeze over before you took this test."

"I did say that…and I still don't like doing it."

"Then why are?"

"To give you the proof you need…to put everyone's mind at ease," Jim replied. "I don't like having to do it…but I don't want my daughter thinking I'm a fraud that's here to do harm to her. Your peace of mind is worth more than my pride."

"How gallant of you," Kate remarked.

Jim smiled. "You're just like your mother…her temper and biting sarcasm when she's mad…of course you also have her beauty too. You look so much like her, Katie…you always have…but especially now that you're older."

"I know who I look like."

He nodded. "I know…where is your mother? I thought she'd be here."

Kate's brow rose. "Why do you care?"

"What do you mean why do I care?" he asked. "She's my wife."

Kate nodded; her eyes narrowing. "The wife you haven't seen in thirteen years…came home, saw her for three days and then cut her off completely for the past week?"

He sighed deeply. "It's not the way you make it seem."

"Isn't it? I mean all your talk of coming home for her and then you just walk out on her…again? Doesn't really sound like a man eager to be reunited with his wife, now does it?"

"You don't know anything about it, Katie."

"Oh I know plenty," she retorted.

"You think so?" he shot back.

"Yeah; I do," Kate replied; her voice low and even. "Because I listened to her cry about it over breakfast this morning. I know all about you running into each other; how you invited her out for a drink…how you kissed her and then ran out on her; not even having the decency to make sure she got back to her car alright. I know about you ignoring her text…about making sure you're not at Grandma's when she's there."

He blew out a breath. "I'm just giving her some space."

"No, you're just playing games with her," Kate said sharply; "Well I'm telling you right now; I won't stand for you playing games with her. You upend her world for the second time in thirteen years, act like you want her back and then walk out on her after three days…leaving her devastated all over again. What happened; you only wanted her until she gave you what you wanted and then you were done? It was enough for you? Or is it like she thinks; you've got someone in Virginia that you realized you want more?"

"There's no one in Virginia," Jim said angrily. "I've told her that."

"Yeah, well, she's not too sure about that…and I'm not inclined to believe it either based on the evidence. But I'll tell you this; you will not play these stupid games with her; so if that's what you have in mind; you can pack up and head back to Virginia today because I'm not going to let you destroy her again. It's not going to happen. So if you changed your mind; you go ahead and go back where you came from and don't you ever come back and don't you ever contact her again."

"First of all," Jim replied; his own tone low and angry; "You don't tell me what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go. Second, you don't tell me not to contact my wife. Third; you don't know half as much as you think you do and Fourth; I'm not playing games with your mother and I have no desire to destroy her as you term it. Who the hell do you think you are talking to me that way?"

"You want to know who I am?" Kate said; her tone biting. "I'm the person who was left to pick up the pieces once you were gone; watching her go through one spiral after another because she just couldn't deal with the pain and the grief. I'm the one who has watched her struggle for thirteen damn years. I'm the one who has seen that shattered look in her eyes all these years…I'm the one who watched her cry this morning because she thought she was getting her second chance and you just turned around and walked out on her; so the real question here is who the hell do you think you are to treat her like that?"

"I was only doing what was best for her," he retorted.

"You think it was best to walk out on her? Bring back some bad memories when she thought she was having a decent evening with the person she's wanted most all these years."

"I didn't want her to think I was taking advantage of her when she was vulnerable," Jim said through clenched teeth.

"Oh please," Kate scoffed. "You're not worried about her emotions; if you were, you wouldn't have run like a coward."

"I'm not a coward."

"Oh I think you were last week…I think you got a taste of what you wanted and decided you don't want it anymore; and if that's the case, fine; but before you go, be a man and end it properly so she can move on with her life. You've been holding her down for thirteen years; if you're done, cut the strings and let her go so she can start living again."

"I'm not letting my wife go," he said angrily. "You're the one who wants me gone; not her. If she wants me out of her life she can be the one to tell me, not you."

"How can she tell you anything when you're so busy avoiding her? I think that's hurting her more than the fact that you ran out on her. You didn't do it for her; you did it for yourself. All you've done is convince her that she's not what you want anymore."

"It's not like that and it's none of your damn business anyway; it's between me and your mother."

"My mother is my business," Kate said hotly. "Anything that hurts her is my business; and like I told you, I won't stand for you playing games with her so if that's what you have in mind, you better just think again because it's not happening. If you weren't sure you wanted her, than you shouldn't have came here."

"There hasn't been a single day since the moment I met her that I haven't wanted her," Jim said tersely; "And you don't tell me what to do. I may be giving you your way about this damn test to put your mind at ease, but that's where I draw the line on taking orders from you, Katie. Now you just knock this off."

"Quit causing my mother pain and I won't have reason to deal with you."

Jim sighed deeply. "Katie; after this test is taken, why don't we go somewhere and talk? It'll be lunch time; we can get something to eat and try to talk through some of these things."

Kate shook her head. "No; I'm not going anywhere with you…I wish my mother hadn't gone off with you on her own."

"Why? What do you think I'm going to do to either one of you? I'm not going to hurt you and I'm not going to hurt her; and before you say I already did; I mean physically. You don't need to be afraid."

"I'm not afraid of you," she retorted. "I just want to be one hundred percent sure I know who I'm dealing with."

"Fine," he said with a nod; "I'll respect that…but once the results are back and prove to you that I am your father like we both know I am, then will you take it down a few knots and let me talk to you?"

"I don't know if I have anything to say to you," she remarked; "But I will tell you this; don't you buy my mother wine anymore."

Jim's brow furrowed. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me; don't buy her a bottle of wine again."

"Why the hell not?"

Kate smirked. "Because thanks to you, she had a little problem with liking wine too much so we agreed she wouldn't keep it in the house anymore."

He shook his head. "I don't believe that; she's never been one to overindulge too often."

"Yeah, well, things change; so don't buy her a bottle of wine again."

"If there was an issue of her having a bottle of wine, she wouldn't have accepted it," he retorted. "Your mother is a woman who knows her limits."

"You don't know anything about it," she shot back.

"I guess not when no one will give me the time of day," Jim said angrily.

"Maybe if we thought we could trust you we would," she said bitterly; "But you're not giving anyone any reason to trust you. At first you refused to do this test, that I only asked for to be one hundred percent positive that you're who you say you are…and if you cared anything at all about what we've been through because of this case, you wouldn't have hesitated. You'd understand our need to be wary. Then, you play games with my mother, acting like you want her back, inviting her out and she goes with you, despite me telling her that she should be careful, but she went…she gives in and let's you gain some ground and you walk out on her. You avoid her for a week and give no real reason why…as far as I know, you haven't contacted anyone else in your family; you haven't contacted your friends…and you're distancing yourself from the person you claimed to want most. So why should we trust you? You're not giving us any reason to; you're giving us any reason to relax and allow doubts to fade."

"You won't let me do anything," he exclaimed.

"It's not just me!" she yelled back. "What about Mom? She was letting you in and you shut her out."

"I'll worry about my relationship with your mother," Jim said tersely; "Stay out of it. I'd like to concentrate on my relationship with you."

She smirked at him. "In a lot of ways, she and I are a package deal…I don't stay out of anything until I'm sure she's safe."

"She doesn't need protected from me."

"We'll see about that."

"Are you two ready to do this or do you need another round of Family Feud?" Lanie asked as she stepped out of the lab.

"No, I'm ready," Kate said, leveling Jim with yet another glare. "Let's get it over with; I have to get back to work."

"You still haven't told me where your mother is," Jim said as he followed Kate into the lab.

"If you must know, she's at work," she answered. "I asked her if she wanted to be here, she said she had to work and that she didn't need to be here. Despite you crushing her last week; she still believes you."

"That probably pissed you off, didn't it?" he asked as Lanie directed him to a chair.

"No; I figure she's entitled to say she doesn't feel a need to watch this test be conducted. It's not necessary for her to be here anyway."

"When will we get the results to this?" Jim asked as Lanie opened the pack containing the swab.

"Three days," she answered.

"You can't get it any faster?" Kate asked.

Lanie shook her head. "Not if you want it done right."

"How will I know when the results are in?" Jim inquired. "I don't trust my daughter to tell me since the result is going to say that I am her father and that's going to make her even madder."

Lanie gave him a patient smile. "She is a bit temperamental, isn't she?"

He nodded. "She gets that from her mother."

"I've met her mother…I can totally see that," Lanie remarked. "You can leave your phone number with me before you leave and I will personally call you when the results are in that way you both can come in and see me unseal the envelope. Now I just need to swab the inside of your cheek."

Jim opened his mouth and allowed her to swab his cheek; tense silence hanging over the room as she sealed and labeled the swab. He watched as she moved to Kate and completed the same procedure.

"Are we done?" Kate asked.

"We're done," her friend replied. "Now you can hurry back to writer boy…why didn't he come with you?"

"I told him I wanted to go alone," she answered. "Call me later, Lanie."

"Count on it."

"Katie," Jim called after her. "Can't we at least go have coffee or something?"

She turned and met his eye. "No…and you know all the reasons why. Don't bother calling me either, I'm not answering."

"You're as stubborn as your mother," he muttered as he rose from his chair.

"No, I don't bend as easily as she does when it comes to you," Kate remarked. "See you in three days."

"Looking forward to it," Jim told her; "Because then you're going to have to admit what you already know; I am exactly who I said I am."

Kate turned on her heel and swept through the door, leaving him behind. He sighed deeply before asking Lanie to give him a piece of paper to write his phone number down on. When he finished, he left the room and made his way back to the elevator; he was a fool, he thought to himself…giving in to Katie's demands weren't going to change anything. She wasn't going to accept him…and he had fouled things up with Johanna. He just couldn't win…and he didn't feel like going home and facing his mother at the moment either. She always had a knack for saying things he didn't want to hear. He'd have to find something to do for awhile.

---

That afternoon, Johanna carefully carried her takeout container of food and her drink as she followed Jeff to a table in the park. When he had asked her where she wanted to go, she had requested somewhere void of memories…somewhere where the chances of running into someone they knew was low…somewhere a little quieter. Jeff had taken those things into consideration and had headed for Greenwhich Village, taking her to a diner to pick up some comfort food to be eaten outside in the park. She breathed deeply; there was a more relaxed pace in this part of the city; something she needed at the moment, The warmth of the sun beating on her back felt good too, making her glad that she had left her blazer in Jeff's car; opting to soak up some sun in her sleeveless pink dress.

"Is this spot okay?" Jeff asked; pausing by a table in a quiet area of the park.

"It's just right," Johanna answered, setting her food down on the table.

"Good," he smiled. "Do you want a Facebook picture? It comes complimentary with the meal."

"Yeah; if only for Sharon's sake. She's probably refreshing her app every five minutes to look for it."

"Well we can't let her down," Jeff quipped as he took his phone from his pocket and snapped a picture of the two of them. He posted it to Facebook as she settled down and opened her container of food.

"All right," Jeff said as he settled down with his own lunch. "It's posted; Sharon should be all a flutter now."

"Good; that will keep her occupied for a little while," she replied while poking her straw into her drink.

Jeff met her eye. "So, what's going on with Jim?"

Johanna shrugged. "I wouldn't know…it's been a week since I've seen him."

"He's still avoiding you?"

"Yeah…he's doing it really well too," she replied. "He's always conveniently gone when I'm at Liz's…and he's ignored both texts I've sent him…so I guess that's it."

"What do you mean?"

She gave him a sad smile. "That it's over…he came back and upended my world again only to change his mind after he kissed me. He's just too much of a coward to tell me so," she said, her words tinged with a sob she struggled to hold back.

"Jo," he murmured.

She kept a smile on her lips even as the tears welled in her eyes. "This morning I thought about taking off my rings…I've kept them on all this time because I love him and in my heart and mind I was still married…but now I know he doesn't want me…so now it's really over and I should take them off…but it's hard to do after thirty-five years…they're a part of me. But I guess I can get used to it…I can put my diamond in the safe; it'll be Katie's one day…my wedding band can go in the jewelry box. I can get used to it…like I had to get used to him not being there."

"Don't take your rings off, Sassy," Jeff said gently. "It might not be what you think."

"What else could it be?" she asked with a short laugh. "I think despite what he said that there's probably someone in Virginia. He left me standing in a bar after he kissed me…clearly he didn't feel what I felt."

"You don't know that," her friend insisted. "Maybe he just got cold feet."

"About what?" she exclaimed. "We're married…he keeps saying he came back here for me…making a big deal about me pulling away when he'd touch me and there I am, letting him touch…letting him kiss me…and he runs out on me and avoids me ever since. Sounds like a man that changed his mind to me."

Jeff reached for her hand and gave it a soft squeeze. "The Jim Beckett I know could never change his mind about you. You've been it for him since the day he met you."

"Oh I don't know…he had a few flings after meeting me."

"True…but you went on a few dates yourself…and none of it changed anything; you were in love with each other and eventually you worked it out. He wouldn't change his mind about you."

"Yeah; I thought that too…but he has…and I'm not going to lie; it gives me doubts. He says things only Jim would know…but then he ran out on me…didn't even make sure I got back to my car. My husband wasn't like that. Even when we were fighting before we got together and I didn't feel well and wouldn't let him drive me home, he still called to make sure I got there. When we went through that rough spot in our marriage when he started traveling a lot; we'd fight and he'd say he wasn't going to call anymore but he would anyway. Maybe I'm wrong," she cried. "Maybe it's not him…maybe someone knew more about us than I thought…but some things no one could know and he knows them."

"Jo," he said gently.

"I feel so confused," she admitted. "And I know; I'm rambling…but I've been holding it in because I haven't told anyone else that he's alive."

"That's okay," Jeff assured; "You ramble all you want; but listen, I don't think you're wrong about his identity if he knows personal things that only you two would know. I also think if it wasn't Jim, he wouldn't be staying with Elizabeth…an imposter would be afraid that it would be too easy to slip up in such close quarters. It's Jim; you weren't wrong."

"Then that brings us back to him changing his mind. He either has someone else or kissing me again didn't live up to the memories and he's realized that he doesn't feel the same way anymore."

"I'm sure that's not true. You know how he is about relationship things…sometimes he gets cold feet and pulls back."

"Yeah; but like I said before; there was never complete and total avoidance. This is different. Maybe it's been too long…maybe I'm too different…maybe he realized I'm not what he wants or needs anymore."

Jeff shook his head. "I'm sure that's not it…just give it more time."

"Like another thirteen years?"

"No; but it's only been a little over a week since he came home…it might be a little early to close the book on it."

"I know how long it's been…I saw him for three days and haven't seen him in a week now…and if you think that isn't playing hell with my mind, you're wrong. All this time he's been gone and it was so hard to accept and get used to…then for three days he was back in my world…and then he disappears again. It makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't sleep; when I do my dreams are twisted and I bolt upright in a cold sweat trying to figure out which world I'm living in…one where he's gone or one where he's here."

"That explains why you look tired," Jeff remarked.

Johanna scoffed. "Just say what everyone else has been telling me; I look like hell."

Jeff gave another shake of his head. "Nope; not going to do that. Even when you're tired you're still beautiful."

"Hardly."

Jeff patted her hand. "You are; don't worry…whatever Jim's problem is, it's not your beauty, it's not your age; it's not your personality. I'm sure it's nothing about you and all about him; he gets stuck in his head sometimes that's all. He'll come around. I don't know how to cure your nightmares; I would if I could…and I get why you're having them, I really do. Your mind has been thrown into turmoil. I'm not sure I have any advice that will help with that except maybe try sleeping in another room for a little while. Maybe if you're not in the room you shared with him it'll help you settle again."

"I guess I could try that," Johanna said as she picked up a bite of her lunch; after all, what did she have to lose?

Silence fell over the table for a few minutes as they ate but finally she spoke once more. "He's taking the DNA test that Katie wants," she remarked.

"That's a good sign, isn't it?" Jeff asked. "If he wasn't who he said he was, he wouldn't take it."

"He did refuse at first…but I didn't take it as him having something to hide," Johanna replied; "Although he accused me of wanting him to do it…but I never suggested it; that was Katie's boyfriend's idea. She came over this morning though…to accuse me of giving him her phone number because he called her to tell her he'd do it after all."

"Who gave him her phone number?"

"I'm assuming Liz gave it to him…she had told him to let me know if he changed his mind and I could have her arrange things…he didn't come to me so it had to be Liz. Just more proof that he doesn't want anything to do with me if he didn't even want me to be the go between like Katie had said."

"Maybe he's just worried about coming between the two of you," Jeff suggested.

She scoffed as she stabbed a fry into the glob of ketchup. "He did that thirteen years ago when he supposedly died. She pushed me away…she didn't want me to help her get through it; she didn't want to live with me longer than necessary even though she decided to transfer from Stanford to NYU…she doesn't even like to shop with me anymore all because of that day. We're not as close as we used to be…because she blamed me…so he doesn't have to worry about it; he already did that years ago."

"I'm sure he didn't want that to happen…probably never even imagined it would happen."

Johanna sighed deeply; she wanted to rant and Jeff wanted to defend…this wasn't working out the way she had hoped. She just wanted someone to let her yell…to let her hate him for a moment even though she still loved him; wanted someone to join her in trying and convicting him of shattering her heart once more. How was she ever going to get over this? All these years spent wanting him back and then he abandoned her in a barroom while the last strains of their song played. What was left of her heart was in pieces…her whole world unraveled yet again. Keeping the news of Jim's reappearance to herself kept her somewhat isolated…and reminded her of how alone she was. It was a sobering thought. His avoidance of her had kept her from telling her brother and sister-in-law when she had dinner with them Saturday night…she couldn't tell Sharon…she couldn't tell anyone she was friends with. How could she tell them that he had come home only to change his mind days later? They'd pity her even more than they already did as a widow…and she didn't think she could bear that. If Jim had changed his mind…then the least he could do was quietly divorce her. Maybe that should be the next text she should send him.

"What are you thinking about, Sassy?" Jeff asked. "You got quiet on me."

"Nothing," she said with a shake of her head; unwilling to share thoughts of quiet divorces and her need to keep her husband's return a secret now that he had made a fool of her.

Jeff gave her a sad smile. "I'm letting you down today, aren't I?"

"No; of course not," Johanna replied. "It's just me...I just have to find a way to get over this, that's all. I'm thinking about going away for the weekend…maybe I just need a change of scenery."

"Jo…"

"I usually go to the cabin but I don't feel right doing that now…it's not really mine anymore. Of course maybe I should go there and get my things…give the keys to Liz to give to him."

"Jo," Jeff said once more, shaking his head.

"I've always been more of a beach person anyway," she went on; "I'd go see my aunt on Long Island but I don't want to tell her either. Maybe I'll just head for Atlantic City…just go sit on the beach for awhile and let this thing go."

"Johanna," he said.

"What?" she laughed but it lacked humor. "It's summertime…I'm entitled to a vacation, aren't I?"

"Of course you are," Jeff replied; "But you're giving up too easy."

"I'm not the one who walked away," she remarked; "He is…I gave him what he wanted and he walked away…again…only this time he did have a choice…and clearly he didn't choose me. I thought I was getting a second chance; I was wrong…but it's okay; second chances don't work out for everyone. How are things with Maggie? I think you mentioned that you were going to have lunch again."

"I don't think we should talk about me and Maggie right now," Jeff stated; "You're too upset today…we need to talk about you."

She shook her head. "There isn't anything else to talk about in regard to me."

"I think there is…you're hurting, Sassy."

Johanna smiled. "I've been hurting for a long time; I'm used to it. I'll be fine…I'll get over this. I'm thinking about pushing back my retirement until I do."

Jeff's brow furrowed. "Why?"

"So I don't sit at home dwelling about this. It's better if I just keep working…pick up some more cases so I can stay busy in court…that's really what I need; cases to keep me in court more than I'm in the office."

"Jo; you were confident in your decision to get out of there. I know you don't want to stay there…and you told me you have no passion left for the job."

"I don't," she admitted; "But I might need it awhile longer…unless I can be over this by September. I wouldn't say anything to Mark until it was closer…it's just something I'm considering."

"I think you need to stick with your original decision, Sassy. You've been wanting out of there, you're tired of the job and you shouldn't keep clinging to it just because you've got this bee in your bonnet that Jim has somehow suddenly gotten over you because I don't believe for a minute that he has. Just relax…go to the cabin if you need a few days; it's still yours…and then come back and sort this thing out with Jim."

"It's hard to sort things out when he doesn't even want to see me," Johanna retorted. "I am going to go away…but I think I'll go to the beach."

"Fine," he said; "You go to Atlantic City and you'll sit on that beach remembering the time we all went there shortly before you and Jim started dating and you'll be upset all over again."

Her eyes narrowed. "And you think I don't have any memories at the cabin? I've got more memories there than I do in New Jersey."

"That's probably true," Jeff agreed; "Maybe you should just stay home; there aren't too many nearby places that don't have memories for you."

Johanna sighed. "I don't know what to do or where to go. All I know is that my life is a mess and I don't know how to fix any of it. I thought I was starting to figure it out when I decided to retire…I thought maybe I was getting a second chance when I was standing on a dancefloor with my husband…but everything is just a mess."

"It'll work out, I promise."

"That's not a promise you can keep, Jeff."

"I can try though," he said, thinking to himself that maybe it was time he paid his old friend a visit. Someone had to tell him to pull his head out of his ass and that did always seem to be his job.

"I'm not good company for you today," Johanna stated; drawing him out of his thoughts.

"You're fine," he assured.

"I guess I wasn't good company for Jim last week either."

"I don't know; I'd say something must've gone alright considering that you ended up joined at the lips," Jeff said lightly.

She frowned. "You say that like it got me somewhere. I accidentally called the outing a date and he got miffed and said it didn't need a label."

"Maybe he was worried that you'd feel pressured by a label," Jeff suggested.

Johanna glared at him. "What are you; his lawyer? You have to defend everything I mention? Of course I shouldn't be surprised, you're a man; you all stick together. Maybe you can represent him in the divorce."

"Jo," he laughed, giving a slight shake of his head. "Don't be that way."

"Well you may as well…and I'm telling you right now, the house is mine and so is my car. He can have his cabin back but the house is mine. I will fight you both."

"I think you're jumping the gun, Sassy. You have to give him time to come around."

"It's been a damn week…I've been where he knows I'll be, I've even texted him and there's nothing. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not getting any younger…and I'm tired of my life being in a constant state of chaos. He can't just pop in and out of my life whenever he feels like it like an extra in a movie."

"I'm sure it's not like that. If he didn't want to be around you, he wouldn't be here."

"He has a daughter and a mother to consider."

"Yeah; he could've just went to them and ignored you completely if that's what he wanted but he asked for you at the precinct."

"Yeah; well, maybe he thought he wanted me and then changed his mind. Everyone says I've changed…he probably doesn't want this version of me."

"Jo; you're just determined to be hardheaded today."

"And you're determined to defend him and make me the one who's wrong."

"What if you are wrong?" Jeff asked. "You're rushing into worst case scenarios and making it into something it may not be."

Frustration tightened her jaw. "I think I'm done with this topic…in fact, I think I'm going to head back to the office. Thanks for lunch."

"I drove you here and I'm not done eating…neither are you."

"I'll get a cab," she replied as she rose from her chair.

"Sit down," Jeff said firmly. "How will it look to Sharon if you come back alone?"

"Like we broke up," Johanna retorted.

"Are we breaking up?" he asked; his brow arched as amusement gleamed in his brown eyes. "You're not going to be like your husband and dump me on a friendly outing, are you?"

"Why not? You're on his side anyway; call his mother and see if he can come out and play with you."

He laughed, rising from his chair and grabbing her hand even though she struggled against his grip. "Settle down, Sassy."

"I don't want to."

"Then sit back down at the table and tell me what you want me do," Jeff stated, tugging her back to her chair.

"I want you to let me hate him for a little while!" she exclaimed. "It's really not so hard to do."

"But you don't hate him."

"I can pretend!" she all but yelled. "God, you suck at this, Jeff."

Jeff burst into laughter. "And here I've thought I've been a good date to you lately."

"You have been until now…don't you know that sometimes a woman just needs to hate a man even if she does love him?" she asked; her voice tinged with anger and emotion.

He nodded. "You're right…I've forgotten about this ritual of women…Maggie would be better at this angle than I am, Sassy."

"I know…but I haven't told her either…I want to but I don't know how and I don't want her to think I'm crazy…and then pity me when she finds out its true and that he ditched me after three days."

"You know Maggie wouldn't do that…she'd just offer to help you shoot him."

"I should've done that at the bar."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because my gun was in the car," Johanna replied; "Which it was his idea for me to lock my purse in the car."

"He must've been covering his ass in case things went sour," Jeff remarked; "Knowing you, you've told him you had a gun and he knows your temper…yeah; that was a premeditated ass covering technique."

"I won't fall for it again," she declared.

"I'd bet money on that," he grinned. "Come on now, finish your lunch while you hate him for a little while and I'll refrain from telling you that it's all going to work out."

"Fine," Johanna relented; "I am sorry for being lousy company today; I won't blame you if you don't want to have lunch with me anymore."

"Hey; what kind of fake date do you take me for?" Jeff asked; "I'm not put off by a mood swing. Don't you worry; you need me, I'm there...not just because I love you in a purely sisterly fashion but also because if I ruined our fake date scheme before you were ready for it to be over in favor of your husband, Maggie would kill me and then I'd have no women and what kind of life is that for me?"

She laughed despite herself. "I guess it would be a dull one."

"You've got that right…so, I'm sorry, but you're not breaking up with me today…and please, don't pull the gun…Maggie is expecting me to meet her for lunch tomorrow and I'd rather not have a bullet in me."

"For Maggie's sake I'll leave you un-marred," she replied; "But if she would call and say that you screwed up and needed me to do something about it…well, then I can't promise not to open my purse."

Jeff nodded. "I understand completely; now you finish your lunch…it might make you feel better."

She took a breath and picked up her fork even though she didn't have much of an appetite; but Jeff was a good friend, and for him she'd try to finish the meal he had insisted on paying for. She just needed to get herself put back together…again. "I think I will go to the cabin for the weekend," she stated; breaking the silence. "If he decides he wants it back and doesn't want me going there, he can tell his mother to tell me to turn over the keys but until then, I'm going to keep considering it mine and I'm going to head up there Friday afternoon after court."

"I think that's a good idea, Sassy. A little change of scenery will do you good…I bet you'll sleep better there too."

A small weight lifted from her shoulders now that she had made up her mind. "I hope so."

---

A short while later, Jeff opened the passenger side door of his car for Johanna. She had been quiet on the drive back to her office and he hadn't pushed for conversation, knowing that in some ways he had let her down during their lunch. She was hurt and angry, looking for a sounding board, not a defense of her recently returned husband. He suppressed a sigh; he wasn't what she really needed right now. She needed a fellow woman who knew how to be the sounding board…how to let her have the moment of hate while also offering quiet comfort. She needed Maggie…but she hadn't yet told Maggie about the new shockwave rippling through her life. She didn't know how…and he had a feeling a part of her was afraid to tell people; why he wasn't exactly sure but it was there just the same.

He wasn't afraid though…so maybe he could tell Maggie and then Jo would have the girlfriend she needed to vent to; that would probably help more than him defending Jim at lunch. A sad smile touched his lips as he watched her finally slide out of her seat and step onto the sidewalk. "Don't worry, Sassy," he said quietly; "Everything will be alright."

"I think my mother was wrong," she stated.

"About what?"

"That life never delivers something we can't handle…because I haven't been able to handle any of this for the past thirteen years…and now there's this…and if he's come back just for it to be over anyway…I…I just don't think I'd ever be able to get over that. Being supposedly widowed was one thing…being rejected upon return…that's a different kind of pain."

Jeff shook his head. "You're jumping to worse case scenarios…you don't know that's going to happen."

"I feel like it already has," Johanna replied; "And I keep trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do…and I just don't know. That's why I have to go away for a few days…try to get myself put back together…try to figure out how to get over this…because I'm not going to chase him; I love him…I love him with all my heart; but I'm not twenty-five anymore…I already did the chasing back then. I'm not the one who walked away so I'm not going to be the one to chase it…I'm not going to beg no matter how much it hurts. I thought that I was showing him that I was willing to work on things…to spend time with him; he walked out on me. The ball isn't in my court anymore; it's in his…and it looks like he's just going to let it lie there."

Jeff pulled her into a hug. "I understand why you feel that way…but I can hope enough for the both of us that it'll work out for the best."

"You're going to have to," she murmured as she sank into his embrace; "Because I can't right now…I just keep seeing him walking away from me last week and it doesn't give me hope."

"I know," he said as he hugged her tighter. "I get it…so you go away for a few days; get it all out of your system and come back stronger…it'll all get figured out one way or another; hopefully it'll be the way we all want; but even if it's not, you're going to be okay…I promise you'll be okay. It'll be hard at first, just like last time…but you'll get through it just like you did before."

She breathed deeply. "I guess only time will tell."

He pulled back from her, giving her a smile before he kissed her forehead. "Yes; in time you'll know I'm right as always."

Johanna laughed, as he hoped she would. "I don't know about that."

"Lucky for us, I do," Jeff quipped. "Now, I'm going to walk you to your office so make sure you smile pretty so they think it was a good date."

She smiled as she gave a nod, taking the arm he offered her as they turned for the entrance of the building.

Across the street, Jim Beckett watched the scene with fury rushing through his veins. He had been roaming the city ever since leaving the medical building and a need to catch a glimpse of his wife had led him there, thinking that he might spot her going to or from lunch. He should've been careful what he wished for, he mused, watching as she and his former best friend made their way into the building. So he had been right, the pictures weren't innocent…and she wasn't as lonely as she claimed. Anger and hurt were at war within him and the thought crossed his mind that he should've never come home. He should've just stayed in Virginia where he belonged; she had moved on, his daughter hated him and his mother worried about her routines with Johanna being disrupted by his presence even if she didn't say the words out loud. Yeah; he had made yet another mistake of judgment. He just never seemed to learn.

---

Later that afternoon, Jeff knocked on Elizabeth Beckett's door, hoping he wouldn't be disturbing the old woman but it was time to have a word with his friend. His knock went unanswered after a few moments so he knocked again, his ears straining for the sound of footsteps on the other side. He could hear movement; slow and with a soft thump that he figured was a cane. He waited patiently and finally the lock tumbled the door was opened a crack, Elizabeth peering out at him. "Jeffery," she stated, opening the door wider.

"Mrs. Beckett," he smiled. "I hope I'm not bothering you."

"No; it's no bother. What brings you by?"

"Well I was hoping that Jim might be here…I figure it's time we got reacquainted."

She nodded, gesturing for him to come inside. "He's in the kitchen drinking a beer; but I have to warn you; he's in a foul mood."

"That's alright," he said with a grin; "I'm used to his foul moods."

"Maybe you can figure out what it is; he was fine when he went out but now he's as sour as can be," Elizabeth remarked. "Of course he's been moody for days now…and I think that has something to do with Johanna but he won't tell me anything…and she doesn't seem to know what to make of anything either."

Jeff nodded. "I've heard that he's avoiding her."

"It does seem that way…I just don't know why."

"Hopefully it'll get worked out soon," he remarked; unwilling to divulge the details if Johanna hadn't told her herself.

"I hope so," she said quietly; "I see the hurt all over her face every time she comes over here and I have to tell her that he's left. She always makes enough dinner for all three of us…leaves his plate in the oven to stay warm…leaves a note saying it's there."

"Does he eat it?"

"Of course he does; he doesn't turn down free meals."

"Yeah; that's my buddy," he quipped.

"Go on in the kitchen and talk to him before he takes off again, it's Johanna's evening to come over so he'll be flying out the door by five. Help yourself to a drink or a snack."

"Thank you," he said with a smile before heading off through the house to the kitchen. He moved across the threshold, spotting his old friend at the table with a bottle of beer in his hand.

"Jim," he said, drawing his attention.

Jim glanced up at him, his features hardening. "What are you doing here?" he asked tartly.

"Well I figured if you weren't going to come to me that I'd have to come to you," Jeff answered. "Sassy told me what happened…and I admit I've been waiting to hear from you."

"I just bet," he scoffed.

Jeff's brow furrowed as he pulled out a chair. "I have…I know you're having a hard time but I understand why you had to leave. I'm not judging you; you had to keep Jo and Katie safe; you did the right thing."

"Yeah; well maybe I did the wrong thing in coming back."

Jeff shook his head. "No, I don't think so."

"Don't you?" Jim asked. "It probably puts a wrench in things for you, doesn't it?"

Confusion flicked across the other man's face. "I don't think I understand what you mean by that."

"How long did you wait, Jeff?"

"Wait for what?"

"To make a move on my wife," Jim said angrily. "Did you give her a decent period of mourning or swoop in while she was still vulnerable?"

"Jim, what the hell are you talking about?" Jeff exclaimed. "I haven't swooped in anywhere."

"Don't lie," he said bitterly. "I'm not stupid…I know all about it."

"About what?"

"I know she's seeing you," he said angrily. "Some friend you are…making a move on my wife. Even if I was dead that's a line you don't cross. How would you like it if I called up Maggie and took her out?"

Jeff shook his head. "Jim; what the hell are you going on about? I'm not dating your wife."

"Sure you are," he retorted, reaching for his phone and pulling up the Facebook page he kept bookmarked. "I've seen all the pictures," he said, showing him the screen. "I know that instead of having dinner here with me last week, she left and went to you…you posted a damn picture of it. I know you were with her today; I saw the two of you outside of her office. I saw you hugging her…I saw you kiss her."

Jeff laughed. "I kissed her on the forehead; that doesn't exactly scream romance, buddy."

"It didn't look that way to me," he scoffed.

"That's because you're nuts," Jeff replied. "You know I've never looked at her in a romantic way. I like blondes."

"That was in the past," Jim shot back; "Now she's been unattached and you're divorced…I'm not stupid; you saw an opportunity and took it and she let you. I'm just the fool that thought she'd still have some loyalty to me…that you both would."

"Jim; I'm going to say it slowly for you because you don't seem to be getting it; I am not dating your wife. I have never made a move on Johanna. Yes, last week when she left here, she called and asked me to meet her. That was the day she told me you were home…yes, I'll even admit that I made her go eat with me that day because I knew if she didn't, she wouldn't eat that day because she was upset."

"Upset because she found out she was still married."

"No; idiot; she was upset because her world just got turned upside down again. She's been mourning you for thirteen years."

"She looks happy enough in your little pictures," Jim scoffed.

Jeff laughed. "Jim; the pictures aren't what you think. I swear on everything that's holy that I'm not dating Johanna. I'm trying to date my own ex-wife; I'm not dating yours too."

"Don't call her my ex-wife," he said angrily. "She's still my wife in every legal sense of the word."

"I'm aware of that but I'm surprised you care about what she does considering you came home and acted like you wanted her up until you abandoned her in a barroom last week."

"Boy, it must be serious between the two of you," Jim remarked; "She tells you everything."

"She only told me because she doesn't have anyone else to tell; since you've staged your little avoidance tactic, she's put off telling more people that you're home. She doesn't want the pity of being a twice abandoned wife."

"I didn't leave because I wanted to back then!"

"Well what's your excuse for the bar?" Jeff asked. "You've got her tied up in so many knots she doesn't know what to think. She thinks you've changed your mind about her…she thinks you don't want her."

"Why should she care; she has you," he retorted. "Looks like she has a nice enough time with you on these pictures."

"Would you get off the goddamn pictures?" Jeff asked angrily. "I told you it's not what you think. There's a guy at work who's been harassing her to go out with him…and Sharon and Mark have ganged up on her too about it; telling her she needs to get over you and move on. She doesn't want to date this goon, she doesn't want to date anyone but they're making her miserable so she asked me if I'd take her out, strictly as friends, so they'd all think she was seeing someone and leave her alone."

Jim scoffed. "Do you know how stupid that sounds?"

"It's not stupid, it's the truth…even Katie has been hounding her to move on and find someone else. That's another reason I've taken her out and posted the pictures; so Katie would get off her back too…but they weren't dates, Jim; it was just an outing with a friend. If you think either one of us would really betray you like that, then you really are crazy. I've been taking her out as a favor to her…as a favor to you too because I thought you'd want me to help her. You don't know how miserable she's been with people hounding her to get over you and find someone else. She doesn't want anyone else; she wants you, stupid. We're not dating; it was just a ruse to get people to leave her alone."

He scoffed. "Sure."

"If you don't believe me, I'll call Maggie and you can ask her…she and I have been trying to work things out and I didn't want her to think the wrong thing so I told her all about it and so has Jo. Better yet, ask your mother, she knows too."

Jim was silent for several minutes as he nursed his beer. "You swear?"

"I swear that I have never made a move on her," Jeff said firmly. "I was just helping her out."

He blew out a breath, some of the tightness in his chest easing. "Who's the goon that's been hassling her?"

"His name is Calvin…he told her she needs to act like she knows her husband is dead."

Jim scowled. "What kind of name is Calvin?"

"The name of a goon," Jeff remarked. "He's a puffed up baboon that Sharon keeps encouraging because she thinks it's time Johanna moves on…and he agrees which is why he made his smart ass remark not long before you came home. Even with me taking her out, he's still sniffing around her."

Jim's jaw tightened. "I'll take care of him…I was planning to kill you but I'll kill him instead."

"I appreciate being removed from the hit list," his friend replied.

Jim glanced at him. "Keep in mind that I can put you back on it at any time…so no more dates with my wife, whether they're fake or not."

Jeff breathed deeply. "I can't promise that."

Jim's brow arched. "Excuse me?"

"Look Jim; if Sassy needs me to help her, I'm going to do it and at the moment helping her means having lunch and she's helping me too; she's helping me not blow this thing with Maggie. Jo hasn't told anyone other than me about you being back because she thinks you've changed your mind about her…so until you're really back in the picture; I'm not going to let her down."

"Is that right?"

"That's right," he said with a nod. "When you…left…your friends made a pact to take care of her; we make sure her car is cared for, her repairs are made and if she needs one of Katie's boyfriends investigated, Leo takes care of it on the house. I'm not backing out on her just because you're jealous over nothing. Why should you care anyway? You left her standing in a barroom after kissing her…you broke her heart all over again."

"I doubt that…she doesn't want to be touched anyway."

Jeff scoffed. "Don't be stupid; she was standing there letting you kiss her without complaint…and you told her to go home; you took off and left her. What the hell is wrong with you? She says you haven't even answered her messages. She thinks you changed your mind…or that you have someone in Virginia that's looking better than her now that you've had a taste of the past."

"I've already told her that there's no one else," he retorted. "I kept bringing it up so she'd confess to seeing you but she didn't."

"Yeah; because she's not seeing me in a romantic sense. We share a meal as friends, nothing more, nothing less. Instead of worrying about her having lunch with me, because there's nothing to worry about in that regard; worry about the damage you're doing right now. Why are you avoiding her?"

Jim sighed deeply. "I'm just trying to give her time like she asked for."

"Did she ask for it while she was kissing you?"

"No; she had been saying it since the day I came home."

"And yet you didn't decide to give it to her until she kissed you? That's doesn't make much sense, Jim."

Jim took a swallow of his beer. "What does make sense? I came back here thinking my family would be happy to see and instead my daughter makes me take a DNA test and my wife didn't want me."

"That's not true; she does want you…if she didn't want you, she wouldn't have gone out with you last week."

"It wasn't like it was planned; we ran into each other."

"So? She still went…and from what I hear; she's the one who asked you to dance…she didn't shove you away when you kissed her. You're the one who bolted."

"I know!" he exclaimed. "Believe me; I haven't forgotten it for a single moment."

"Then why did you do it?" Jeff asked.

"I don't know."

His friend eyed him. "Come on, Jim; it's me…tell me the truth, I'm not going to tell anyone."

He sighed and took a sip of his beer. "I don't know; I guess it just seemed like it was happening awful fast when she had been shying away…we'd had a few drinks, she wasn't drunk but she was vulnerable. I felt like I was taking advantage of the situation and I didn't want it to blow up in my face."

"So why don't you just tell her that instead of avoiding her? You're just making it worse…she's building it up into a huge show of rejection towards her. She thinks you're over her."

"I could never be over her."

"Then why are you avoiding her?"

"I don't know…it just seemed like the best thing to do. She needs time to adjust and my mother warned me against being pushy and I feel like I was being pushy."

"You can give her time without cutting her off completely."

"Yeah; well, once you start that it's hard to stop. What am I supposed to tell her?"

Jeff smiled. "The same thing you've always told her; you're stupid and you're sorry."

Jim scoffed. "I don't think those things are going to work now considering the way things are because of what I did."

Jeff shook his head. "At her core, Jo is still the same woman you've always known…the woman who only ever expects you to say you're sorry and tell her why you've done what you did. There's never been a time when she hasn't forgiven you and I don't think that's going to change now."

"It could."

"Yeah…it could if you let this go on much longer…and then you're only going to have yourself to blame."

"You say that like I don't already have all the blame."

"I don't think Jo blames you for leaving to save your life and keep her and Katie safe. She's hurt and she's mad…but I haven't heard her once say that it was wrong for you to do. She didn't want you to suffer that fate…she wants you here with her. Now for the bar thing…yeah; she's blaming you for that because you're the one who walked away…but you don't have to let it keep snowballing…you do know she has a gun, right?"

Jim nodded. "She's mentioned it."

"It's not just for show; it's got bullets in it," Jeff remarked. "She pulled it on some guy who tried to kiss her at a law firm party…so you know, you might want to watch what you're doing."

"Did she shoot the guy?"

"No; but he quit the firm."

"Good," Jim said darkly; "Son of a bitch shouldn't have been trying to kiss my wife. Why hasn't she pulled the gun on the current goon?"

"She's threatened to but Mark said if she does that again he'll fire her."

"I'm going to take care of Mark too," Jim stated. "I'm going to have to make a list."

"Make sure you put yourself at the top of it," Jeff remarked. "I don't want you to lose your second chance."

"I don't either," he said quietly.

"Then get your head out of your ass," his friend told him as he pulled a card from his pocket and slid it across the table to him. "I know you're not thrilled to see me today because you had that crazy thought in your head but there's my number…I hope you'll use it and we can go out for a beer or something and have a better conversation sometime soon. I have to pick up Chrissy and her husband from the airport so I have to get going…but I am glad you're home, Jim…and I hope I hear from you soon…and that you work this thing out with Jo."

Jim nodded. "I hope so too. I'll call you over the weekend; maybe we can shoot some pool…it's been a long time since I've done that."

Jeff grinned as he rose from his chair. "In that case we'll play for money. See you later, buddy."

"See you later," Jim replied, watching as his friend headed for the threshold of the room. He sighed deeply; he should've been happier to see his friend but those pictures and what he had saw that day had been nagging him and making him angry. He didn't think Jeff was lying about why he had been taking Jo out…but he'd ask his mother anyway just to be sure.

---

That evening, Elizabeth was sitting at the small table in the kitchen with a cup of coffee when Johanna slipped through the back door with a casserole dish in hand.

"I'm sorry I'm a little late, Liz," Johanna said as she moved to the stove and set the time and temperature for the oven before sliding the dish inside. "I had a last minute call from a client."

"That's alright," Elizabeth replied. "I know things come up without notice; you know I don't mind."

She nodded as she moved to the cupboards and took down a box of scalloped potatoes. Usually she made her own but to save time they'd go the boxed route for the evening. She took a pot from the stove drawer, feeling the elephant in the room hovering over them. She sighed a little, figuring she better get it over with. "Is Jim here?"

"No; he left about twenty minutes ago. He said he was going out to eat."

A tight lipped smile touched her lips; so he was even going to reject the plate she usually left for him. Fine…that was completely fine. "Then I won't bother to leave a plate for him since he doesn't want what we're having."

Elizabeth sighed a little. "Johanna; what's going on between you and Jimmy? Don't tell me you don't know because you do. It might not be any of my business but I want to know anyway."

Johanna took a breath as she opened the box of potatoes. "Last week after Katie made her DNA test demand and we both left, I didn't feel like going home so I went into the city. I ran into Jim…he invited me out for a drink. I went…we fought a little, laughed a little…we danced…he kissed me and then he told me to go home and he left there. I haven't seen him since. I tried texting him; he read the messages but never replied. He's clearly avoiding me and I take that to mean that he's changed his mind about wanting me back and he's too much of a coward to say so."

"I see," Elizabeth said carefully; watching as her daughter-in-law continued to prepare dinner. "But you don't really think he's changed his mind about you, do you? You can't change your feelings on the turn of a dime."

"Maybe it's not that he changed them," she remarked; "Maybe he just realized that they're no longer there…that the present wasn't living up to the past. Let's face it, Liz; there isn't going to be a happily ever after for me in this regard. I'm right back where I started before he came home. Only this time I get to have the pain and embarrassment of being rejected by the man I've been mourning for thirteen years."

"I don't think he's changed his mind," her mother-in-law insisted. "He asks me about you all the time."

Johanna scoffed. "If he really cared he wouldn't run out the door every time he knows I'm on my way here."

"He's probably too ashamed to face you. Why on earth would he leave you alone in a bar?"

"I don't know…maybe he didn't feel what I did when he kissed me. Whatever his reason, he could've at least told me why…could've told me why he upended my life again just to reject me in the end."

"I refuse to believe that he's rejecting you," Elizabeth said firmly.

"You're free to do that but after a week of silence, I'm feeling pretty rejected. My mind is in a constant state of turmoil, Liz. First he's gone in a blink of an eye and I'm left to try to figure out how to go on without him…then I wake up thirteen years later and he reappears out of the blue one day, telling me he wants me back…and while I admit that I told him I needed time to adjust, I didn't shun him…and then three days later he disappears from my life again. It makes me feel like I don't know if I'm coming or going."

"I don't think he's done himself any favors with his behavior," the old woman stated; "He's been brooding most of the week…and when he got home today after the test he was in the foulest mood. Not even Jeff's visit did any good at cheering him up."

"Jeff came here?" Johanna asked, turning away from the stove to look at her.

"Yes…and I admit, I eavesdropped a little…Jimmy was ready to take him apart because he has it in his head that Jeff was dating you because of those pictures on your Facebook."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "He's stalking my Facebook page but won't speak to me? That's nice."

"Oh those pictures had him in a tizzy," his mother stated. "But Jeff explained about it and he finally accepted that explanation that the outings were friends only types of things, staged to look like dates to get people off your back. He even told Jimmy to ask me about it because I knew…and as soon as he left, he asked me about it and I told him the same thing; that there was nothing romantic about it…and that he could've just asked you himself and you would've told him but he just scowled and went off upstairs to brood for awhile."

Johanna shook her head. "He's so goddamn stubborn; he ought to know me better than that. I even told him there was no one else. I'd tell him all about those outings with Jeff if he'd ask me…the times we've talked between arguments; he hasn't asked me a damn thing about my life. So maybe he doesn't want me…maybe he just thought he did until he got here."

"I don't believe that at all or he wouldn't have been in a jealous rage," Elizabeth replied. "You two have just somehow gotten into a jam…and yes, I believe it's one of his making since he's the one who walked away last week…but you might have to keep pushing him to get him to come back around."

"Liz, I love you…and you know that I love your son with every inch of my heart…but I'm not going to beg him. I shouldn't have to beg him to talk to me when I've given him every indication that I wasn't shunning him. I know he got mad because I shied away from affection…because things are still raw and jumbled but it didn't mean I wasn't willing to work on things."

"I know, dear," she said gently; "But you know how men are."

"Yeah; I know how they are…but I just can't do it right now," she confessed. "I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm hurt and angry, I can barely eat, I'm not sleeping much; I'm not staying focused because this whole thing has me tied up in knots because I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo."

"You do look tired," Elizabeth remarked; "And your attention has strayed a few times over the past week. I know you're emotions are all over the place and that your mind is full…but you need to take care of yourself. You can't let this make you sick…Jimmy would never get over the guilt of that."

"Your Jimmy needs to be a man and face me," Johanna said sharply; "Tell me once and for all how this is going to go so I can mentally prepare."

"I agree…but Beckett men are stubborn and set in their ways…he's not going to move until he's ready."

"I know," she sighed; "But I've got to get myself put back together while he's making up his mind."

"So what are you going to do?" Elizabeth asked.

Johanna stirred the contents of the pot; she always hated the moment when she had to tell Liz that she was going away for a few days. She always felt like she was abandoning her even though Andrew would look in on her…and this time Jim would be there too. "I, uh…I'm thinking of going up to the cabin for a few days…I thought I'd go up there Friday after court…stay for the weekend and come back Monday morning because my appointments aren't until the afternoon….unless you need me to stay; because if you do, I won't go."

"Look at me," her mother-in-law demanded.

Johanna turned and met her gaze. "What?"

"What I need is for you to do what's best for you. You've gone away before and I was fine and I'll be fine this time. I'll miss you while you're away, I always do; but I'll be here when you get back…and hopefully you'll be more rested and feeling better. So you go and don't worry."

"I'll still call and check in," Johanna told her.

"I know you will," the old woman assured; "But I think it's a good idea for you to take off for a few days…you'll feel better…and maybe it'll give my son something to think about."

"I doubt he'll care."

"We'll see," Elizabeth told her; thinking to herself that maybe some tough motherly love was needed in regard to her son. "We'll just see about that."