A/N: Thanks for your reviews. Guest reviewer who asked why there's a long wait between chapters…well…I have this job where I work nine hour shifts five days a week and come home drained most of the time. I'm doing the best I can; thanks for continuing to read.
Chapter 19
Friday afternoon, Elizabeth Beckett looked across the small kitchen table at her son as they ate sandwiches for lunch. He hadn't mentioned his wife yet…in fact he hadn't said much of anything so far that day. She supposed she'd have to be the one to bring up Johanna.
"Just so you know, Jimmy; you don't need to run off by five tonight," she stated; breaking the silence that had fallen over the kitchen.
Jim glanced at her. "What do you mean?"
She eyed him. "Oh you know what I mean…how you go running out of here about twenty minutes before five when you know Johanna's coming over."
He took a drink of his soda and swallowed. "I leave so you'll both be more comfortable."
"You leave to make yourself more comfortable; don't lay the blame on me."
Jim shook his head. "No; I do it for the two of you. I know you worry about me disrupting your routines with Johanna and I know she's not very comfortable with me yet."
"Oh I don't know," Elizabeth said casually; "Apparently she felt comfortable enough to be kissing you in a barroom."
He paused, his sandwich halfway to his mouth. "What?"
His mother eyed him coolly. "She told me all about it, Jimmy. She told me how the two of you went out; how you kissed her and then ran out on her."
He blew out a breath. "It's not whatever it is that you're making it out to be."
Elizabeth scoffed. "Oh I think it is…you have been avoiding her for over a week."
"I'm just giving her time to adjust."
"No; you're just giving her time to doubt your feelings for her. What the hell is wrong with you?" his mother asked. "How could you do that to her? Do you know how upset she is? Do you know how much you've hurt her? She was already hurt and then you go and make it worse. You were raised better than to leave your wife standing in a barroom by herself."
"I don't think I want to discuss this with you," he replied; keeping his tone gentle so that he wouldn't hurt her feelings.
"When have I ever cared if you wanted to discuss something or not?" Elizabeth asked. "Why did you do that to her, Jimmy?"
"Because it was a mistake," he retorted.
His mother's eyes widened. "You feel it was a mistake to show affection for your wife?"
"I don't know…she's been saying she needs time…and I don't want to feel like I was taking advantage of her while she's vulnerable."
Elizabeth scoffed. "Oh please. She thinks you changed your mind about her…is that true? Have you changed your mind?"
"No!"
"Then why are you avoiding her? Don't you think that's just making things worse?"
"I'm just trying to do what I think is best. I thought I'd just back off a little and give her some time. I thought I'd try to concentrate on getting things back on track with Katie."
His mother's brow rose. "Just so you know, that excuse doesn't sound any better. That sounds like you looked at Johanna and saw too much hard work in front of you and decided to switch projects…well you picked the wrong one because Katie's ten times more stubborn than her mother."
"Yeah; I think she gets that from her grandmother," Jim retorted. "If it makes you feel any better; my daughter did reject my request to take her to lunch; she rejected coffee and she informed me she wouldn't be taking my calls. I tried texting her but she's not answering messages either it seems."
"That's not surprising; although you didn't mention that you offered to take her to lunch."
"I had other things on my mind," he remarked.
Elizabeth laughed. "Like convincing yourself that Johanna was dating Jeffery?"
"It's not funny," Jim stated, gripping his class tightly.
"It is a little," she said with a smile. "I mean you should know them both better than that. He's only doing her a favor so people will leave her alone at work."
"I still don't like," he said gruffly as he roughly took a bite of his sandwich. "I told him not to do it anymore and he had his nerve to tell me he was still going to take her to lunch."
"I know," his mother said slowly; "He said he'd do it until you were fully back in the picture. He's trying to keep her protected while you get your head together. I told you some man at work has been chasing after her."
"Yes, I know…and if my wife would inform me of the issue, I'd be more than happy to go beat the hell out of him and he won't bother her anymore."
"How can she inform you of anything when you're not talking to her?!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "Have you bothered to ask her anything about her life at all, Jimmy?"
"Mom," he sighed.
"Have you?" she demanded to know.
"No, I guess I haven't," Jim admitted.
"Well maybe you should get around to that," his mother said sharply; "Because you'll find out that she's been through plenty. She fell apart when she lost you…there she was, a little shy of forty-eight; both of her parents gone, her husband gone, her daughter quietly blaming her and pushing her away. She's been through a lot…and I know; you have too…but I don't think you realize just how much she's dealt with…and I don't think you're too interested in finding out. You just want it to be your way or no way."
"That's not true!"
"Then what the hell are you doing?" Elizabeth thundered. "She gave you what you wanted; she gave you affection and you ran out on her…so do you want her or not?"
"Of course I do! What kind of question is that?" Jim exclaimed. "You're the one who told me not to be pushy…I feel like I was being pushy."
"So apologize!" his mother yelled. "Not that I think she wants an apology for kissing her but if you feel you rushed her than tell her. Don't just ignore her and let her think that you changed your mind. Why on earth would you just avoid her like this?"
"Because I don't know what to say!" he yelled. "I don't know what to tell her. I don't regret kissing her but I know she needs time…and if I had kept kissing her, I would've wanted more than she's ready to give so I had to leave."
"And that's all you had to tell her," Elizabeth stated as she eyed him. "That's a simple enough explanation…one that she probably wouldn't have trouble believing…one that wouldn't have left her devastated and doubting your feelings for her. At this stage of your life, you'd think you'd know better!"
"Yeah; you'd think I'd know a lot of things," he said bitterly.
His mother sighed. "Jimmy; I know you're struggling with a lot of things…but so is your wife and I think things would go better for you if you'd try to remember that. She doesn't want to shun you; she's just afraid right now…and maybe you are too."
"I'm not afraid."
She eyed him knowingly. "Just like your father; stubborn."
"He said I got that from you."
"No, that's Beckett stubbornness."
"If that's what gets you through the night."
"It's what I know," Elizabeth stated.
"Why isn't Johanna coming over?" Jim asked after a long pause. "She's not backing out on you because of me, is she? Because if she is; I'll go back to the hotel. I know you need her help and I don't want to upset that."
"No; she's not backing out on me," his mother replied. "She went up to the cabin for a few days…she said she needed to get away…needed to put herself back together. You've got her so tied up in knots that she doesn't know what she's doing…and those idiots at work who are supposed to be her friends, all they do is harass her about how to live her life. She's just a mess."
"And it's my fault?" he asked.
"Well it sure as hell isn't mine," Elizabeth exclaimed. "You've been fouling this up left and right, Jimmy. You're not even trying to get to know her again…you don't ask her anything about her life. You're not showing her that you want to start over and work on your relationship. You kiss her and then leave her in a barroom…and I raised you better than that. You could've at least walked her back to her car. Don't you know the world isn't a safe place for a woman alone at night?"
"I do know that."
"And yet you leave your wife to walk back to her car alone because you chickened out."
"I didn't chicken out," he said sharply.
"Doesn't look that way to me. But that's beside the point. The point I'm trying to get through to you is that you should be getting to know her again instead of avoiding her. Why are you doing that? It's just hurting her more and your father and I didn't raise our boys to hurt their wives purposely."
"How did this topic get restarted?" Jim asked.
"You asked me why Johanna wasn't coming over."
"Well now I know not to do that," he replied.
"Don't be ridiculous. Now I want to know what you're going to do about this whole mess."
Jim blew out a breath. "I don't know, Mom. When I figure it out, I'll let you know."
"You do that…and don't take too damn long."
The clock had just turned to midnight, a sitcom rerun on the TV as Johanna sat propped up against the pillows in the comfortable bed of the master bedroom. Court had wrapped up earlier than expected that day so she had left the city by noon; stopping along the way to pick up some groceries and things she thought she'd need…and one thing she didn't really need but had bought anyway. Her second glass of wine was in her hand and as she took another sip, the glass almost empty as she thought of how her daughter wouldn't like it. Well, that was just too damn bad, Johanna thought with a laugh to herself; there were plenty of things in life that she didn't like but had to deal with anyway. She wasn't going to have more wine after this one…she was already feeling the buzz from having as much as she did. She wouldn't have wanted any if it hadn't been for her so called husband. The thought of Jim flicked through her mind, bringing a stirring of anger as she picked up her phone and checked for messages. There weren't any of course and it only made her wine fueled brain angrier. Who the hell did he think he was to come waltzing back into her life only to reject her three days later? Who did he think he was to do that to her…the woman who waited three years for him to date her; had to push him into a jealous rage to make him date her; the woman who had put up with his mother poisoning her on Thanksgiving…the woman who went through natural childbirth to deliver his daughter. The woman who put up with his need for promotions, finding his keys and tying his damn ties; not to mention doing his laundry, cooking his meals and nursing him when he was sick. She had been a damn good wife. Who the hell did he think he was to reject her now?
With that thought in mind, she opened the small thread of texts that they had begun and she typed furiously. "Who the hell do you think you are?"
She didn't give time for any response; merely began typing the next one. "You're a damn coward. Do you know that? You're a COWARD!"
Johanna smiled at the screen as she watched that bubble pop up with those words on the screen. The wine made her bold and she had a lot more unloading to do. "It shouldn't surprise me that you're a coward…after all, it took you three years to date me and even then I had to whip you into a jealous frenzy to make you pull your head out of your ass."
"You did good at keeping your head out of your ass for awhile…but I see during your time away, you wedged it back up there."
"I hope you're happy…you ruined our song. You walked out on me during our song, you son of a bitch; and you can't even be a man and look me in the face and tell me you changed your mind. You don't even have the nerve to answer a fucking text. Virginia must've really stripped you of your manliness. It must've made you spineless."
"You used to punch people in bars and now you're too much of a coward to face your long forgotten wife. Well that's fine. I can move on; do you think you're the only man in the world? I've had offers…all I have to do is pick up the phone."
"Not that you care…cause you probably don't. You probably hope I do find someone else so you can go back to whatever slut you have in Virginia; because Katie's right; that's what men your age go for. Sluts…and let's not forget, you have dabbled with sluts before. Remember Melanie? Hey, maybe while you're in town, you can give her a call since you don't want your wife."
"Coward."
"Why did you even come back here if you were just going to leave me again? Do you get some kind of sick enjoyment out of hurting me? If you didn't want me than you should've just left me alone; not give me three days, get pissed off until I give in and then run out on me cause you changed your mind. That takes a special kind of jackass."
"Course you've always been a special kind of jackass."
"You just used to be my jackass. And fool that I am…I've been setting here for 13 yrs wishing for you and then you do me this way. I love you! I've always loved you. I waited 3 yrs for you to date me, I made a home for you, I gave you a baby. I always found your keys and tied your tie. I did everything to be a good wife to you. Even after you were gone I was still being a good wife…still loving you. I still love you even though I hate you for doing this to me. You didn't want to give me time so I gave in…and you still left me again. Why did you come back here if you didn't know what you wanted?"
"Why don't you want me? Have I really changed that much? Or did you realize that I wasn't what you still wanted?"
"Why am I bothering to ask you? You're too much of a coward to answer. COWARD! Does your mother know she raised you that way? Go tell her you're a coward. Go tell her that your wife is still stupid enough to love you even though you don't want her anymore. Tell her she raised a man who throws his wife away in the middle of a bar. Go tell her. I'll wait."
Johanna took the last sip of her wine, watching the screen of her phone but no response came. "Did you go tell her?" she typed.
"She probably already knows; she'll still love you anyway because you're her baby. Just like stupid here will keep on loving you."
"I've been doing it since I was 23…I don't know how to stop. Right now I wish I could. Either that or punch you in the face for being a jerk."
"And even then I'd still love you because that's how stupid I am…but I would totally punch you."
"I should've punched you at the bar instead of kissing you; maybe you could've taken that better."
In the guest room of his mother's house, the constant ding of his phone had woke Jim from the light sleep he had managed to fall into. He looked at the time, seeing it was nearly 12:30; and then he saw the notifications; 18 messages from Johanna. His brow rose and he opened the stream of messages, quickly reading as two more were added to the thread. His wife was on a tangent, that was clear…and the words were landing with a sting against his soul…until he got to the messages about telling his mother what kind of man she had raised. A small smile tugged at his lips despite himself; noting the typos, the shortening of words. His wife didn't shorten words; she wrote them out. This was an angry Johanna…but he had a feeling it wasn't a sober Johanna. An angry, sober Johanna would do this to his face so she couldn't be ignored; so he could feel the full wrath of her rage…and even then she'd censor her harsher thoughts. This Johanna wasn't holding back…wasn't worried about typos and grammar or spelling mistakes. Yes; he had a feeling this was drunk Johanna.
A lull in messages gave him the opportunity to type a response. "Are you drunk?"
The phone buzzing in her hand, made Johanna flinch, the response popping up on her screen and she scoffed. "Oh now you answer," she typed back.
Jim smirked at the screen. "The question still stands; are you drunk?"
"Yes; I am. Do you want to make something of it?"
"No," he responded. "But maybe you should stop."
"I already stopped. Why don't you stop being a jackass coward?"
Jim laughed quietly despite himself. "Babe; lay down and go to sleep, okay? It's late."
"Aww, is Jimmy up past his bedtime? Maybe that's why you left me at the bar; it was past your bedtime."
Another grin touched his lips. "No, it's not past my bedtime but maybe it's past yours considering you've had one too many."
"Don't tell Katie."
"That won't be hard to do considering that she's not speaking to me."
"Good; cause I'm not speaking to you either."
Another laugh slipped across his lips. "You're talking to me right now."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
"Do you hear my voice!?" she demanded to know.
"No."
"Then I'm not talking to you, am I jackass coward."
"Can I get a better nickname?"
"You don't like that one?"
"Not really; I don't think it suits me."
"Really? I thought it was overly generous and polite. How does Prick suit you?"
"Go back to jackass coward."
"See, I knew that was perfect for you."
Jim stared at the screen for a long minute; trying to think of the right thing to say but he knew he was taking too long when another message appeared on the screen.
"Did you run out on the phone now?"
He smirked at the message. "No; I'm here; but I think you need to go to bed."
"Go to hell."
"I've already been there, sweetheart."
"So have I and you don't even care."
"I do, Jo."
"No you don't. You just keep leaving me…you want me off the phone so you can go back to not dealing with me."
"That's not true; I just think we should do this when you're sober."
"Don't make me laugh," she retorted. "I've been sober for over a week waiting for you…and you never came around. We're not going to do anything because you don't want to."
"Jo; I love you."
"It doesn't feel like it."
"I love you."
"Then why did you leave me there?"
"We'll talk about it later," he told her. "I love you. I want you to put the phone down, close your eyes and go to sleep."
"You won't even give me a fight," she replied. "You make me mad as hell and then you won't even fight it out. I kiss you, you run. I wait for you, you stay away. I try to fight you, you want to send me to bed like a baby. What do you want from me?"
"Everything," he answered. "But I'm not going to fight you tonight…we always do our fighting in person. We'll do it in person."
"Fine; come on up here and fight me. I'll wait. I'm good at waiting."
"Okay," Jim replied. "Take a nap while you wait for me; I'll be there in awhile."
"Okay; I'll go to sleep until you get here…don't be a coward and not show up."
He smiled at the screen. "GO TO BED."
"Go to hell."
"That's my girl."
"Yeah; the girl who's still dumb enough to love you whether you want me or not."
"I love you, Johanna. Now please go to sleep, sweetheart. I can't get there if you keep texting."
"I love you too."
Jim watched the screen for five minutes but no response came; he breathed deeply, hoping she was going to bed like he had told her. He had a big mess to clean up…and he had to figure out the best way to do it…and hope that when she sobered up that she'd be willing to let him try.
By the next afternoon, Jim was tired of staring at his silent phone. He had hoped that maybe Johanna would message him again but she hadn't…which probably meant that she had sobered up and he wouldn't hear from her again. He frowned at the thought of that…and then thinking of her messages and her mention that she had other offers, jealousy flared in his veins. What if other offers were looking good to her? What if her so called fake dates with Jeff were starting to appeal to her? The idea of it made his stomach want to turn and made him want to punch a wall but he refrained; he didn't want his mother beating him with her cane…after all, she already threatened to do that once when he had ate the slice of cake he had found hidden in the cupboard. Jim smiled a little; some things never changed.
His smile faded though as he glanced down at his phone; thoughts of Johanna flicking through his mind once more. He had made a mess of things just as his mother had told him and he didn't know how to fix it…avoiding her was only making it worse; making her doubt him and his feelings. He didn't know what to do or how to fix it…he didn't even know how to explain why he had left her at the bar. Hell, he wasn't even sure he understood the full reason of why he had walked away. Everything was such a damn mess, Jim thought, raking a hand through his hair in aggravation. He tapped the screen of his phone to wake it and then pulled up the thread of texts Johanna had sent the night before…he had told her they always did their fighting in person and she had told him to come up. She had been drunk though…but that didn't mean he couldn't go…and really, maybe he should; even if it was just to make sure that she was alright up there by herself.
He could just drive up to the cabin…check on her…discuss these so called offers, apologize for the past week…and then play it by ear. He nodded; yes, that was a good idea. Jim grabbed his keys and wallet from the dresser and shoved them in his pocket before hurrying downstairs. He should get going before Andrew got there; things were still awkward between them and he just couldn't work on it until he had fixed things with Johanna. "Mom?" he called out when he reached the bottom of the stairs.
"In the living room, Jimmy."
Jim headed for the living room, finding his mother on the sofa, crossword book laying on the lap desk that she had told him that Johanna had given her as a gift. It seemed like his wife took care of everything while he was away; nursing his mother back to health, keeping her comfortable and entertained…making sure she had a place to lay her puzzle book while she worked on it.
"Are you going to stare at me all day?" Elizabeth asked.
"No," he said with a shake of his head. "I'm just always glad to see you."
"I'm always glad to see you too," she replied; her brow rising with suspicion. "What's on your mind?"
"I, uh,…well; I'm going to go out for awhile."
"Johanna's not coming over. I told you she won't be back until Monday."
"I know…but I think I'm going to go out; don't worry if I'm not back tonight. I will be back…just maybe not tonight."
Elizabeth eyed him. "What are you up to?"
"Nothing…I just thought maybe I'd do some fishing," he answered; doing his best not to shift on his feet.
"It's a little late in the day for fishing," Elizabeth remarked. "If I recall correctly; your father always said it was best to fish in the morning."
"Some fish sleep in," Jim replied.
His mother scoffed. "Do you think I'm stupid?"
"No, of course not."
"Then what are you doing?"
"I just…need to go for a little while and I figured it would be nice to go fishing; I haven't done it in a long time," Jim answered. "I just thought I'd drive somewhere and spend the night and get up in the morning and go fishing."
"And where were you planning to drive to?" Elizabeth questioned as she eyed him.
"I don't know; somewhere where I can fish."
"Leave her alone, Jimmy."
His brow furrowed. "What?"
"Don't go up to the cabin and bother Johanna," his mother said firmly. "She's up there to get a break from everything."
"Who said anything about the cabin?"
"I'm not stupid, James Robert."
"No one said you were but I said I was going fishing."
"Yes; you say you're going to be gone overnight and yet you haven't packed a bag," Elizabeth remarked. "Don't you think you ought to take a change of clothes if you're going to stay somewhere so you can supposedly fish?"
His jaw tightened; God he hated when she was right. "I am going to fish…as for the bag, I wasn't thinking. I'll go pack an overnight bag."
"Where are you going fishing?"
"I don't know," he said as he headed for the stairs. "Somewhere."
"Mhmm; leave her alone. I mean it."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Why don't you just stay home; Andrew will be here in a little while, he's bringing dinner."
"I'll eat on the road," Jim replied. "I just need to go for a little while…it's nothing against you, Mom."
"I know," she said, eyeing him as he lingered on the threshold of the room. "I just hope you know what you're doing."
"Yeah; well, I always hope so too," he remarked; "But if I don't, the fish do."
"Fish my ass," his mother retorted; "But if that's the story you want to stick to so be it."
"That's the one I'm sticking to. You have my number written down?"
"Yes; we wrote it down in all the places I have phone numbers written down at."
Jim nodded. "Okay. If you need me to come back before tomorrow, you call me and I'll come home, I promise."
"I'll be fine, Jimmy."
"I know…but if you need me…"
"I'll call if I need you, dear," she replied. "I can tell you're itching to go, so go get your bag and get started for wherever it is you're going…although I'm sure I know."
"You don't know everything," he said out of habit.
"Oh yes I do," Elizabeth remarked; "You'd all know that if you'd listen once in awhile."
Jim smiled. "I'll put it on my list of things to work on."
Jim drove up the road leading to the cabin; second guessing his decision to come the whole way. What was he going to say? Would she even let him in? Was he wrong to show up unannounced? Should he even be doing this? Johanna had came there to have peace and he was going to upset that notion…but then again, she had been the one to text him. She had been drunk though…but still; he should probably check on her. They should talk…if she'd let him in.
He sighed a little as he parked the car and turned off the engine. He made no move to get out though. Instead he stared out the windshield, taking in the view of the lake and the house. He had missed this place; missed the quietness and the peaceful feeling it gave. "Peace," he thought; would he ever have peace again? Did he really have a right to go knock on the door and disturb the peace his wife was trying to find there? Why did everything have to be so damn complicated?
Johanna turned the pieces of chicken she had frying in the skillet; grateful that her stomach had settled earlier in the day so that she could cook the meal she had planned on the day before when she had bought groceries to take to the cabin with her. She sighed softly; getting drunk the night before hadn't been the best idea…she realized that as soon as she woke up with a pounding head and the need to empty her stomach. It had been a long time since she'd had a hangover…and she didn't want another one anytime soon. Lesson learned, she thought to herself…she was getting too old for hangovers.
At least no one knew that she had overindulged…she wouldn't have to listen to anyone's lectures but then she remembered that stream of texts. Jim knew…but she doubted that he cared. Why should he? At least she had been able to give him a piece of her mind…she'd been waiting on that. Another soft sigh slipped across her lips; wishing she didn't have to go back to the city on Monday morning. Maybe if she could just stay there in the mountains for awhile she could get over things…but then again, she was a fool to think that. She hadn't gotten over Jim thirteen years ago and she never would. She didn't want to either…she just wanted answers…she just wanted to know why he had changed his mind.
A knock on the back door startled her and she flinched, her gaze jerking toward the door; hoping it wasn't Katie as terrible as it seemed. She had come there to be alone and she didn't want her daughter or any well meaning friends or relatives interrupting…especially at dinner time. She stalked to the door and turned the lock, pulling it open enough to see who was outside; her gaze colliding with her husband's as he stood on the porch.
"Hey," he said quietly.
"What are you doing here?" Johanna asked, her hand still gripping the doorknob as she stared at her husband.
"I was invited," Jim replied.
"By who?"
"By you," he answered.
"I didn't invite you!"
"Yes, you did. You told me in the text last night to come on up…or don't you remember? You did tell me that you were drunk…which I admit I assumed on my own from your typos and eighteen messages in a row."
She smirked at him. "You just can't let me live down anything I do when I'm drunk, can you?"
Jim smiled. "No…they're some of my fondest moments. Are you going to let me in?"
"Why should I?" Johanna asked. "You haven't wanted to see me in over a week so why bother now?"
"Because…I wanted to," he told her; "And I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"Why do you care?" she asked.
"What do you mean why do I care?" he retorted. "You're my wife; I care about everything that concerns you."
"I'm fine. Have a nice trip back," Johanna said, closing the door on him.
"Jo," he said, grabbing the door before she could close it, pushing against it a little. "Let me in, please."
She relented against her better judgment and opened the door, stepping back so he could step inside the kitchen. He closed the door behind him and she stood before him, her arms crossed and her eyes snapping with anger. He couldn't help but smile; she had always looked so damn appealing when she had that no nonsense lawyer look on her face.
"What are you smiling at?" his wife demanded to know.
"You…that no nonsense lawyer look of yours has always been very attractive to me," Jim remarked.
Her brow arched. "Really? You're going to go there right now after what you did?"
He sighed a little. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know you probably don't believe that but I am."
"You're empty handed for an apology call," Johanna remarked.
His jaw tightened. "What? I was supposed to bring guilt gifts when I didn't even know if you'd open the door?"
"No, not gifts," she shot back; "You know what you always brought me when you made an apology."
He stared at her for a long moment until she rolled her eyes and stormed away from him, making her way back to the stove. "If you were really sorry; you would've brought a rose."
Jim sighed a little. "I'm sorry…I forgot about the rose tradition."
"I guess it's easy for you to forget," she replied as she tended to her potatoes.
"What's the supposed to mean?" he asked sharply.
She shrugged. "Well you've been forgetting about me all week so why shouldn't you forget a tradition that you started? It's in the past…like everything else."
"That's not true," Jim said as he moved closer to her. "Nothing about us is past."
"It's hard to feel like you mean that right now."
"I know…and I'm sorry; but I mean what I said…nothing about us is in the past…its all still there. Why do you think I came home? I came for you. Why do you think I came here today?"
"Because I drunk texted you enough times to annoy you into a response."
"You didn't annoy me."
"I must have to make you answer…you didn't answer the other messages I sent you during the week."
"You didn't annoy me, Jo. I don't mind your messages."
"You just don't answer them until I send enough of them in a row, right?"
He sighed. "That's not true."
"Well if I didn't annoy you, then why are you here?"
"I thought maybe you'd want to tell me about all these other offers you have," Jim stated; "That's what you told me last night…that you have offers."
Johanna shrugged a shoulder. "I've been asked out several times. Do you think I can't get a man? Because I can."
He scoffed. "What; the goon in your office I keep hearing about? I didn't know you went for goons."
"Well I married you," she said flippantly. "You have some goon like qualities lately."
Jim shook his head. "No, I don't think I fit the goon qualifications."
"That's a matter of opinion."
He smirked at her. "Does Jeff have goon qualities? You spend an awful lot of time with him lately."
"I do not," Johanna said tartly. "Instead of stalking my Facebook page, why don't you be a man and ask about the damn pictures you saw?"
His jaw tightened. "I guess Jeff notified you of his visit and told you that I know about your page."
"No, he didn't tell me anything about going to see you."
"Then how do you know?"
"Your mother told me," Johanna remarked. "She told me how you even questioned her about it…you know, instead of asking your wife."
"I gave you plenty of opportunities to admit that you were seeing him."
Fire snapped in her eyes as she glared at him. "I'm not seeing him, jackass," she said sharply. "And you know it."
"Do I? I mean I've seen all the pictures…heard the tale of fake dates…those have a way of turning real without warning. After all; we went out as so called friends and I remember plenty of evenings that ended in a more than friendly way. Come on, Jo; we both know we fooled around at times when we were just friends."
"That was different and you know it!" she yelled.
"How do you figure?"
"Because it was you I was with! I've never done anything with Jeff and if you really believe for a minute that I would; then I have nothing left to say to you!" she yelled. "I have never given you reason to doubt my faithfulness to you…but after you were gone, I heard about a few things that made me think maybe I should've questioned yours through the years."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Jim shot back.
"Oh I heard about some of those little business trips that Melanie was a part of that you never told me about," she told him. "Some of them occurred during a rough spot in our marriage…so maybe I should wonder if you were the one out screwing around."
Anger colored his face. "I didn't do anything with her."
"But you admit that you didn't tell me she was on some of those trips, right? You admit that you lied to me."
He clenched his teeth so hard he was afraid they might break.
"Well?" Johanna asked. "Did you lie to me, Jim? Was she there sometimes?"
"Yes," he hissed. "I didn't tell you because I knew how you were when it came to her."
"That doesn't mean I wouldn't have trusted you," she retorted; "Because I would have…and I did trust you. You'd think you'd have some trust and faith in me…you're the one who left me, not the other way around, Jim."
"I left you because I had to!" he yelled. "I was afraid of what they might do to you and Katie! I couldn't live with that…do you know what that would do to me?"
"Yeah, I do," she said with a nod. "And I don't blame you for going…I'm glad you went for your sake because I didn't want you to die. My whole world ended when you were taken from me…so do you really think for a minute that I'd go date your best friend?"
"Why not?" he asked; "You didn't think I was coming back and he was familiar…I'm sure you were lonely."
"I have never done anything with Jeff!" she yelled. "So stop it! I'm telling you the truth! There is a man at work who's been bothering me; he wants to date me and doesn't like to take no for an answer and it doesn't help that Sharon and Mark are encouraging him to pursue me despite me telling him in no uncertain terms that it's not going to happen. They all think I need to forget you and move on…even Katie was on my back about it right before you came home. I tried making up a fake date and hiding out but Katie followed me and found out it was a ruse so I asked Jeff to help me because you always told me to go to Jeff if I needed something. I asked him to take me out, as a friend, so it would look like I was seeing someone. I had to end up telling Katie that it was just a ruse because she got angry about it but Sharon and Mark believe it to be true. He was just helping me; nothing more, nothing less. It was all strictly platonic as always. Jeff and Maggie are cautiously trying to get back together; he has no romantic interest in me and I have none in him."
"Yeah…well I saw him hug and kiss you outside of your office on Wednesday."
Johanna scoffed. "It's not the first time he's hugged me and you know it…and on Wednesday he hugged me because I was upset. As for the kiss; it was on the forehead and not romantic at all. If you were so bothered by it, why didn't you walk up and ask about it? What were you doing outside my office anyway?"
Jim shifted on his feet. "I was hoping to catch a glimpse of you…I just got one I didn't want."
"No, you saw me being comforted by a friend in a strictly friendly way. You should've made your presence known and you would've known about it right then and there. I don't have anything to hide from you, Jim. I'm telling you truth…just like your mother told you and apparently Jeff told you. If their word and mine isn't good enough for you…then we don't have anything else to say to each other."
He breathed deeply. "He never…made a move on you?"
"Never," she said sharply. "Only people who didn't know you try that."
Jealousy flared in his veins. "Who the hell tried it?!"
"People who have already been dealt with," she remarked. "I might've been lonely but I never betrayed you, Jim. I couldn't. So stop insisting that I've done something wrong because I haven't and if you want to know about something that gets posted on my page, then you be a man and look me in my face and ask me about it."
"Alright…I believe the thing with Jeff was innocent…but I don't like it and I don't want you going on anymore fake dates with him," Jim told her.
Her brow arched as she looked at him. "Who do you think you are telling me what to do? I went out with you and you abandon me in a bar and you want to tell me I can't have lunch with a friend? I don't think so, buddy boy."
"I don't want my wife going out on fake or real dates with other men!"
"Then you better start acting like a goddamn husband!" she yelled back. "Maybe if I thought you were really going to stick around I could tell people you're back and I wouldn't need a fake date; I'd have you!"
"Who said I wasn't going to stick around?"
"Well leaving me in a barroom and avoiding me for over a week didn't inspire a lot of confidence, Jim," Johanna retorted. "I mean you kissed me and then you ran out on me…what am I supposed to think other than that you've changed your mind?"
"I haven't changed my mind!"
"Well you sure as hell don't act like it! Let's look at the evidence, Jim; I had to get drunk and text you half the night before you answered and got the nerve to come face me!"
He closed his eyes, breathing deeply; taking in the scent of dinner that was cooking. "Listen, can we eat first and then do the rest of this?" he asked; "Because I'm starved and that smells wonderful…fried chicken…you must've known I was coming."
"No, I didn't know you were coming, I bought this stuff on my way up here and who said I was going to feed you? I'm furious with you!"
He shrugged. "That's never stopped you from feeding me before…well, there have been a few times…but can we just have a small time out and eat dinner? It's been a long time since I've had your fried chicken…you know it's my favorite."
"That doesn't mean I'm going to feed you."
"You've got plenty though…more than needed for a dinner for one," he remarked.
"I was making extra for tomorrow."
"Come on, sweetheart; can't we eat? We can yell while we eat; we've done that before."
"I'm supposed to sit down and have dinner with a man who thinks I'm an adulteress?"
"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I know you're not an adulteress."
She scoffed. "You got a lot of nerve treating me like I did something wrong when you're the one who walked out on me last week."
"I know you didn't do anything wrong," Jim stated with a deep sigh. "I just…"
"You just what?"
"As selfish as it sounds, I've spent all these years hoping you didn't find someone else because I couldn't stand the thought of it…and at the same time, I knew it was wrong and selfish for me to want that…because I didn't want you to be lonely or unhappy…but I didn't want someone else to claim you either."
"And yet you haven't wanted me for over a week now," Johanna replied; her tone softer as she turned back to the stove to turn the chicken frying in the skillet.
"That's not true."
"Isn't it?" she asked. "You keep avoiding that topic."
"Can we eat first?" Jim asked.
"Is that the only way I'm going to hear an answer? If I feed you? You didn't want dinner from me the other day when you 'went out to eat'," Johanna remarked.
"I've ate every meal you've left for me."
"At least I'm still good enough to feed you," she replied. "Still wasn't worthy of a call or a text…or for you to actually stick around and eat with your mother and I."
"Jo," she sighed.
Frustration tightened her jaw. "Sit down, Jim; I'll get dinner on the table and you can think up more ways to avoid the topic."
He blew out a breath. "You don't have to feed me; I'll get something to eat later."
She shook her head as she took dishes down from the cupboard. "No, sit down and have your dinner. I don't want it to be said that your wife deprived you."
Jim felt like he had already stuck his foot in his mouth about ten times and inviting himself to dinner probably didn't help matters. She didn't look happy at the intrusion…but he supposed that he couldn't blame her for that. She was hurt and angry…and he just kept screwing up. Clearly he was rusty at making apologies to his wife…out of practice at knowing what to do and how to soothe away hurts. But then again; the hurts that had been committed this time around were much bigger than anything he had done prior to 1999.
He stayed quiet as he watched her make gravy for the potatoes and then fill their plates. He almost asked if she had made cole slaw but he thought better of it…he had already been pushy by asking to share her meal…and there was her ire that he already stoked further.
"I didn't come to fight," Jim said; feeling as though he had to say something as Johanna carried his plate to the table and sat it down in front of him.
"Oh?" she remarked. "Doesn't seem that way to me when you come in my house accusing me of being a whore."
"I didn't accuse you of being a whore," he exclaimed in outrage. "I'd never call you that. But can you blame me for being suspicious with all those damn pictures and these so called fake dates."
"They're an outing with a friend, nothing more and nothing less," Johanna replied. "It's true that I let people at work believe it's more but it's not."
He breathed deeply; knowing he had to let the issue go. She wasn't lying; she gave no indication of lying and he knew her tell…there was no sign of it. "I believe you."
"Start acting like it."
"I can't help it that I don't like my wife going around with another man," Jim remarked. "How would you like if there were pictures of me and some woman on Facebook."
Johanna scoffed. "Don't think I haven't looked because I have…and so has Katie."
"Nice to know that she's thorough," he said sarcastically.
"Don't go acting high and mighty," Johanna said as she put her own plate on the table. "If there's a picture to be found somewhere I could have it found. All I have to do is call Leo; he'll find it."
"It would be a waste of your money."
"Leo doesn't charge me for personal searches."
His brow rose. "Why the hell not?"
"Because he considers me a friend…and because of his loyalty to you," she replied; "So don't even make something of it that it isn't. It isn't my fault your friends decided to look after me…I didn't ask them to; they just gave me no choice…which I admit has sometimes come in handy in a pinch when I need one of Katie's boyfriends looked into or oil put in my car…and the faucet changed on the sink…when I need a second opinion on a case. They're just my friends…I appreciate everything they've done for me."
He was glad that his friends had been looking after her but it only made him feel worse that they had been doing all the things that should've been his job. "I'm glad they've been a help to you," he said, unable to keep his voice from sounding clipped.
"I would've rather had you, Jim," she said, her tone quiet but firm. "You can't really think otherwise."
"No…I don't," he admitted as he picked up a forkful of potatoes and gravy.
"You still haven't told me why you haven't answered my messages before last night," Johanna said after a few moments.
"I know…I'm sorry that I didn't respond. I just didn't know what to say."
Johanna scoffed. "Is that you throwing my words back in my face from the last time we ate together?"
"No…I meant it…and maybe now I know how you felt that night," Jim admitted. "That awkward feeling I kept holding against you that night."
"It's not that I want things to be awkward," she marked before taking a bite of her own dinner so she could carefully compose her words. "It's just that…it is awkward. We…we have a lot of lost time between us. I just…I want things to be the way they were but I don't know how to get there because I keep hearing Katie telling me that I don't know you anymore…and she's not entirely wrong about that. I know the man I married…but I don't know who he's been these last thirteen years. I don't know how much he's changed…I don't know if I'm still going to be what he wants with all this time and space between us."
"I'm still the same person, Jo," he said firmly.
Her gaze flicked to his. "Then you need to show me that."
"You won't let me."
"That's a lie," she retorted. "I've been trying in the best ways I could…you only gave me three days, Jim. You reappeared and was back in my life for three days…and then you disappeared on me again…today would be ten days since you ran out on me. I still don't have any answers about that. All I can assume is that you didn't feel anything that night…that you realized I'm not what you want."
"That's not true at all," he said sharply. "Of course I felt something that night…the same thing I've always felt…love for you; wanting you, needing you. There's never been a moment since the day I met you that I haven't wanted you…being kept away from you all this time didn't change that, Johanna."
"I don't want it to be changed," she said, tears gleaming in her eyes; "But what was I left to think? You walked out on me…and you won't even tell me why."
"I felt like I was taking advantage of you," he said gruffly.
"How were you taking advantage of me? You kissed me and I kissed you back."
"I know," he replied; "But…you've shied away from me touching you and then all of a sudden you were letting me kiss you…and we had been drinking…our song was playing and you were vulnerable. I felt like you weren't really there in the present with me…you were in the past where things were good and the way they should be. I kissed you…just like I always kissed you when we'd hear our song and you let me keep doing it. I figured the drinks must've been a factor in that…and vulnerability…loneliness."
"I can't deny thinking about the past in those moments when our song started to play," Johanna admitted; "But it wasn't the past on my mind when you kissed me. I was right there in the present with you…I knew what I was doing; I wasn't drunk…I didn't stop it because I didn't want to. I wanted those moments…it made me feel alive again. As for vulnerability and loneliness…I can't help being emotional about all of this. I can't deny being lonely for you either, I've been lonely for you since the day I lost you; but I knew what I was doing. You weren't taking advantage of me…so what's your next reason."
"You might not think I was taking advantage of you but I did feel that way so it is a reason."
"I didn't say it wasn't; I asked what the next one was…because you usually have more than one, Jim."
He shifted in his seat a little as he took a bite of his fried chicken. He closed his eyes, savoring the familiar taste of his favorite dinner. "This is so good," he told her. "Just like I remember…I've been waiting on this for a long time."
"I'm glad it still pleases you," Johanna replied; "But I'm still waiting on that next answer."
"Can't I just enjoy my chicken first?"
"I could just take your chicken away," she told him.
"No!" he exclaimed; resigning himself to this discussion. "You should probably know the next reason on your own."
"I'm afraid I don't."
He blew out a breath. "If I stood there and kept kissing you…I was going to want more," he admitted. "Or really I should say I already wanted more, I just hadn't let it get to the point where it wasn't so difficult to put the feeling aside. If I had let it get to that point I probably would've tried to push you into it…and then…"
"And then what?" Johanna asked.
"And then you probably would've run out on me."
"What if I hadn't?"
"Then I'd definitely know the alcohol and loneliness were factors. You didn't want me to hold your hand let alone go find a room with me and let me touch every inch of you. I'd definitely be taking advantage of you then no matter what you say."
"Do you think I didn't have thoughts of wanting more?" she asked. "Do you think I was immune to it? Do you think I didn't have a momentary thought of letting it all go and just letting what happened happen if it was what you wanted?"
"No," he said with a shake of his head. "You've always been more level headed than mean when it comes to those certain situations."
"You're wrong," she confessed. "I did think about it…a part of me did want it…but I wouldn't have let it happen."
"Yeah; well, I wasn't sure of that…all I knew was if it happened, it would blow up in my face by the time the sun came up."
"So you decided to blow it up that night?"
"No," Jim said in frustration; "I just had to leave; things were moving too fast and I wanted you too much and I knew I couldn't have you. Everything just felt jumbled in my mind, okay? Does that meet your approval for excuses? Because it's the truth…one minute you were pulling away and the next you were letting me kiss you. I was afraid that you'd get mad and shun me and I'd never have the chance to be close to you again…I just didn't know what else to do."
Johanna met his gaze. "That's all you had to say, Jim. All you had to do was pick up the phone the next day and tell me that that's why you left me at the bar. All you had to say was that you needed time…they're all reasons that I can understand. Why do you think I came here? I needed space. Do you think I haven't been analyzing everything I said and did that night? Thinking that maybe it was truly over between us because I didn't know what else it could be. I could've handled your reasons…I would've understood them just as well nine days ago if you had given me the chance. I would've rather heard your reasons than feel days worth of rejection, wondering what had changed about me that you couldn't live with once I allowed you to take an inch."
"I'm sorry, Jo," Jim told her quietly and sincerely. "You're right; avoiding you wasn't the right way to go about this…it was stupid…it was something I probably would've done forty years ago when I was younger and making stupid mistakes with you every time I turned around."
"They weren't stupid…it was just us finding our way," she replied. "Your reasons now aren't stupid…the avoidance was, I won't deny that…but I forgive you for leaving me that night. I just wish you had told me."
"Do you forgive me about the avoidance?"
"I'm still pissed off about that," she said without hesitation.
Jim nodded. "So what are we going to do about this mess?"
"We're going to have to start over in a lot of ways, Jim. We can't just pick up where we left off…we're going to have to start over."
"Start over?" he repeated.
"Yeah," she said with a nod as she picked up another bite of her dinner. "I know you just want me to snap my fingers and have everything instantly be like it was…but it can't be that way. We worked for it before…and we're going to have to work for it again…if you're willing."
"We already did the hard work long ago," Jim replied. "We know who each other is…we…"
She sighed a little. "I know that…but we have time to make up…time that we lived separately…and whether you like to admit it or not; there are bound to be things different about both of us…maybe not anything majorly important or anything that affects who we are at the core. But there's been thirteen years, Jim…of me living as a widow and you living as a man with no family. There's been hurt and anger and fear…we can't just go back and pick up that day in 1999 and pretend this never happened. We have to start over…you have to show me that you're here to stay; that I'm still what you want."
An irrational surge of anger washed over him and he spoke before he could think. "It sounds like I'm the one starting over; what the hell are you going to do? Keep going on lunch dates and not telling Katie that you're in the same room with me? What is that you're going to start over with?"
"No; I'm not going to tell Katie that I haven't seen you. I know the lunch thing bothers you even though you say you believe me; but it's not every day…and I wouldn't have to do it at all if my husband was in the picture."
"I'm in the damn picture," he retorted; "Tell the assholes you work with that I'm here and that you're unavailable. You should've never let this get started in the first place."
"I was trying to get people to leave me alone!" she exclaimed. "Believe me, I haven't done anything to encourage Calvin. I've threatened to pull a gun on him and he still wants to take me out…and of course Sharon's encouraging him. That's why Jeff has been helping me and you know it."
He nodded as he swallowed a bite of his dinner. "Tell me where to find Calvin and I'll punch his face in and tell him to stay the hell away from my wife if he knows what's good for him."
"I don't want you to go to jail…seeing you only on visiting day might hinder any progress we hope to make," Johanna commented.
"But I want to punch him…for you."
Her brow rose. "Just for me?"
"For both of us."
She smiled a little. "I would like you to punch him…but the jail thing, you know?"
Jim blew out a breath. "Maybe I could make him hit me first and then it would be self defense."
Her nose wrinkled as she shook her head. "He's too much of a coward."
"I should've guessed that...but you could always bail me out. It would be just a minor assault charge…slap on the wrist at most since it's a first offense."
"Do we want to start your homecoming that way?"
"To tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind punching someone," he admitted.
"Yeah; well; I get that feeling too…it's probably going to be Sharon and then I'll need bail money."
"I'll get you out," Jim told her. "Go ahead and hit her; you'll feel better."
She scoffed a little but a hint of amusement lit up her eyes. "It would only feel good until the cops came."
"And we're related to the cops now," he commented.
"Only one of them."
"But still; the arrest thing isn't looking so good now that I remember that my daughter is a cop…and would probably love to see me arrested."
"She's just angry right now, Jim. You're going to have to give her time to work things out for herself. The more you push, the more she'll resist."
"I feel like I can't win no matter what I do. I just want my girls…and I feel like I can't have either one of you."
"You have me," she murmured; "But we've got work to do…if you think we're still worth it."
"Of course I do."
"Then we're starting over?"
Jim nodded. "Yeah…I guess so. I'm not entirely sure how but I'll do my best."
"That's all I ask," she replied before giving her attention back to her dinner.
Jim took the hint to dig back into his own meal and he figured a little quiet while they finished eating was probably for the best…he had to figure out where to keep things going peacefully. It didn't feel so awkward here…maybe he had made the right choice in coming after all.
"So…what are we doing tonight?" Jim asked after dinner had been cleaned up and the leftovers put away.
Johanna's brow arched as she turned away from the sink. "We?"
"Well…you hadn't mentioned throwing me out so…" he said as he made himself busy refilling his coffee mug.
"I planned to watch TV."
He nodded. "I could go for some TV. What are we watching?"
She shrugged. "Whatever I find that appeals to me."
"I'm good with that," he said as he picked up his mug.
"Don't you think you should ask me if I want company?" she asked as she followed him into the living room.
"I never asked when we were friends," he commented. "If we're going to start over, may as well do it the way that worked the first time."
"That would explain why you showed up at dinner time," she commented.
"See, I was already working on starting over…but if you want me to go…"
Johanna worried her bottom lip; she felt like her emotions were all over the place but she didn't want him to go. It didn't feel so hard to get through things here away from everyone's eyes and opinions of the situation. She couldn't ask him to start over and then pull away…that wasn't how it was done. "No…I don't want you to go," she said softly.
"Are you sure?" Jim asked. "I won't be angry."
"I'm sure. I'm going to go change into my pajamas if you don't mind."
He shook his head. "No; you should be comfortable."
She shifted on her feet a little. "You can find something to watch," she told him, nodding at the flat screen tv on the wall that was turned down low.
"Alright, sweetheart," he replied. "I see you've gotten new furniture in here."
"Yeah; the summer before last…I needed a project," she told him. "I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do; but it felt like it was time for something new."
"Why wouldn't it be right?"
"Because…it was the furniture we bought together when we decided to replace the old things in the living room that your parents had here," Johanna admitted.
Jim gave a soft shake of his head. "It's okay that you wanted something new, Jo. I like it…the dark blue looks nice," he said, nodding at the dark blue sofa and the matching chairs."
"I'm glad you like it," she murmured before turning and heading for the bedroom.
Jim watched her go and then settled down on the sofa, placing his mug of coffee on the endstand. He grabbed the remote from the coffee table and flipped channels until he found a sitcom rerun that they'd both like; figuring they'd need something light to watch since they had enough drama of their own. He sank back against the dark blue sofa and sighed a little; feeling relief that she was letting him watch TV with her…relieved that she was willing to give him a chance. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to relax as he listened to the television. Eventually he heard her footsteps as she entered the room and he forced his eyes open. "You picked a very comfortable couch," Jim told her.
She gave him a small smile. "I'm glad you think so," she said as she moved to the opposite end of the sofa and sat down, her hand brushing nervously over her black summer nightgown that held a pattern of white daisies.
Her husband grinned at her as she toyed with the thin strap of her nightgown. "You look cute in that."
"I do not."
"You do," he insisted. "You know I've always liked your taste in nightgowns…especially the summer ones."
"Mhmm," she said, her gaze shifting to the TV.
"It's true," Jim replied; subtly moving a little closer.
"Does your mother know you're here?" Johanna asked.
"That's not a question a man wants to hear when he's complimenting his wife's taste in nightwear," he remarked. "Also not a question I thought I'd be hearing at this stage of my life."
"Maybe not, but the question still stands."
"No; she doesn't officially know."
"What do you mean not officially?"
He sighed a little. "I told her I was going fishing."
"And you don't think she bought that?"
Jim shook his head. "She told me not to come up here. She told me to leave you alone."
Johanna gave a short laugh. "Why didn't you just tell her the truth since she clearly already had suspicions?"
"Because I didn't want her to call and tip you off…I was afraid you'd leave or that you wouldn't answer the door."
"You should give me a little more credit than that," his wife replied. "Haven't you always known me to prefer the argument to running away from you?"
"Yeah; I guess so," Jim admitted; "But with the way things are…you might not want to give me the benefit of a fight."
"If you're thinking I have a low opinion of you, I don't," Johanna told him. "I understand what happened and I don't blame you for leaving back then. If I had known, I would've begged you to go. I didn't want anything to happen to you. I thank God that you're alive…it's all I've wanted all this time. We're going to have bumps in this road, Jim; putting things back together isn't always going to be easy…that's why I said we had to start over."
"I know," he murmured.
She met his gaze. "Your mother didn't call me though despite any suspicions."
"I kept telling her I was going fishing and that I'd be back tomorrow."
"Kind of presumptuous to tell her you'd be gone all night."
Jim shrugged. "I can always sleep in the car."
She gave his ankle a soft kick. "You don't have to sleep in the car. I'm not that harsh."
"You've threatened it in the past."
"Yeah; but I never did it."
"No, but I remember some nights on the couch."
"You deserved them."
"I know. As for Mom; she probably figures you'll throw me in the lake or I'll be home sooner than expected."
Johanna shook her head at him, not commenting on how he had shifted closer once more. "Was Andrew taking her dinner?"
"Yeah; I wanted to get out of there before he got there."
"Are you avoiding him too?"
"No," Jim breathed; "It's just…awkward. I don't think he wants me there."
"I'm sure that's not true."
"It feels like. He told Mom that he told Michael and Madelyn and they didn't take the news well. I guess I'm batting a zero in the siblings department."
"I'm sure you and Andrew will work things out," she consoled.
"I don't know about that…Gabby talks to me more than he does and she's just a little girl."
"She's almost thirteen, don't call her a little girl in person," Johanna laughed.
He smiled a little. "I'll do my best not to offend her teenage sensibilities. But it's pretty bad that she doesn't even know me and she talks to me more than my brother."
"Just give it some time, Jim."
"I'm starting to hate that word," he admitted.
Her heart ached for him, seeing the forlorn look on his face. She stretched her hand out and took his, giving it a soft squeeze. "Maybe you two just need to hang out…go to a ballgame or a car show or something; you know; one of those these you and Andrew always did. Maybe if it was just the two of you it would be a little easier."
The fact that her hand had willingly wrapped around his meant more to him than worrying about his brother at the moment he thought as he held onto it tightly while she was allowing the contact. "I don't know if he'd be willing," he said after a moment.
"You won't know unless you try."
"Maybe I will…you're my priority though. I want us to be better…I want things to be better with Katie too but I know that's not going to happen right now."
"I'm not going to say that word that you're starting to hate," Johanna remarked; "But it'll work out."
"I hope you're right."
"I always am."
He smiled. "I can think of a few times when you weren't."
"Those times don't count."
Jim smoothed his thumb against the skin of her hand as he held it. "I'm a nice guy so we'll say that's true."
"Don't you think your mother would've found it suspicious that you were claiming you were going to be gone all night and yet you don't have a bag with you?"
"She was suspicious of that so I packed one…it's in the car."
Her teeth sunk into her bottom lip once more as she glanced at him. "You can bring it in if you want."
"Are you sure? Are you going to be uncomfortable with me staying?"
"No…it'll be fine," she said softly. "I'm not uncomfortable…you should bring your bag in."
He nodded, reluctantly allowing her hand to slip away from his. "I'll go get it."
Johanna watched him as he left the room, hoping she was doing the right thing…but she didn't want him to leave. Despite the hurt and anger, it was good to be there with him and she didn't want the feeling to end.
As the evening wore on, it didn't escape Johanna's notice that every time she or Jim would leave the room, he'd move closer to her upon return. Now she was watching from the corner of her eye as he got even closer, dropping his arm around her casually as he kept his gaze on the television.
"You're not as sneaky as you think," she remarked.
Jim glanced at her. "Meaning?"
"Meaning that I've noticed that you started at the other end of the sofa after dinner and now you're down here at my end."
"Well…this is how we used to watch TV…even before we were married," he remarked. "I look at it as part of starting over."
"You just thought you were slick."
"Do you want me to move?" Jim asked.
"No," she admitted softly. She probably should've said yes…after all, getting cozy too quickly had led to their fight the week before…but she didn't want him to move. She didn't want him to pull his arm away. A part of her just wanted to snuggle into his side; revel in the feel of being held by him. It had been so long since he'd held her and before she could stop herself, her body relaxed against him and she found herself laying her head against his shoulder.
His hand rubbed against her arm as his heart sped up a little. "I should've asked you how you were feeling when I got here," he said quietly. "I know how susceptible you are to hangovers when you drown your sorrows a little more than usual."
"I definitely had one this morning," Johanna replied. "But I was fine by the time you got here."
"Good; I hate when you don't feel well."
She closed her eyes as she remained snuggled against his side. "I don't want you to think it's something I make a habit of doing."
"You never have," he replied. "We all drown our sorrows at times; it's nothing to be ashamed of, honey."
A measure of discomfort washed over her. "People might tell you that I did too much of it before…and maybe I did…but not for long and it's not like that now…so don't listen to them. I swear last night was the first time in years that I had drank that much."
He thought of Katie's remark about not buying her wine but he kept it to himself. He was more inclined to trust his wife's word over his disgruntled daughter. "I believe you, sweetheart. Don't worry…it's not like I haven't had times in the past where I've drank more than I should. I'm not accusing you of being an alcoholic just because you indulged a little more than usual last night. Everyone does it once in awhile."
"I just don't want you to believe people who exaggerate."
"I'm always going to take your word over someone else's, Jo. Don't worry, okay; and I'm not going to tell anyone that you drowned your sorrows last night. That's just between us, okay?"
She nodded. "I appreciate that."
Jim brushed a kiss against her hair. "It's no problem. Don't worry anymore about it. I just wanted to make sure you were feeling alright."
"I'm fine…I'm glad you're not judging me for last night…and I'm sorry for the things I called you in my texts."
He laughed quietly. "Oh that's alright, sweetheart; you've always amused me when you're drunk."
"Oh I know," she remarked. "I just don't want you to think…"
"I don't," he assured. "I'm sorry I didn't bring you a rose."
"It's alright," Johanna murmured. "I don't even know why I brought it up."
"Because it's our thing…and I didn't follow tradition."
"There's no law that says you always have to."
"No…but I wish I had."
"It's alright…we're starting over, remember?"
"I remember," he replied; "I just have to figure out what all that entails."
She yawned softly; tiredness sweeping over her as she remained in the circle of his arm despite telling herself that she should move. "The same thing it meant when we started out…showing interest…remember; we had that conversation a long time ago."
"I remember…but I'm always interested in you."
"But you haven't really asked me anything about my life since you've been home," she replied; her eyes feeling tired as she focused on the TV.
He supposed that was true; he hadn't really asked her anything about herself. "Should I start doing that tonight?"
Johanna shook her head. "No…for tonight; let's just be okay like this…because this evening has been pretty good; hasn't it?"
"Yeah; it has been."
"Then it can wait," she said.
Silence fell between them as they watched TV; Jim reveling in the feel of her being tucked against him. It had been so long since he'd had this privilege…and he wasn't sure why she was allowing it but he was glad that she was. He had been wanting moments like this so badly and now he had one; and while things weren't perfect between them, at least she was willing to give him another chance. He felt some of the tension leaving his body; tiredness sweeping over him as he kept hold of her, breathing in her scent. His eyes were growing heavy and he allowed them to close; the sound of the TV beginning to sound distant as he drifted until he was jerked back awake as Johanna shifted against him, her arm coming around him.
Jim forced his sleepy eyes open and angled his head to get a look at his wife's face. She was asleep and he had a feeling that she had been for awhile; that was why she hadn't pushed for deeper conversation. He didn't want to let go of her but they couldn't stay this way all night; it wouldn't be comfortable for either one of them. "Jo," he murmured, rubbing her arm.
She didn't move or give any indication that she had heard him. "Jo," he said tiredly once more, giving her arm a gentle squeeze.
"Hmm?" she muttered.
"Let's get you to bed," he told her, keeping his arm around her as he began to rise from the sofa, bringing her with him.
She said nothing, stumbling into him as he lead her toward the hallway. He held onto her tightly; knowing she was still mostly asleep since she wasn't saying anything as he led her into the master bedroom. He noticed that she must've turned back the covers on the bed the time she had left the room and he was glad for that as he guided her to her side. "Go back to sleep, sweetheart," he murmured as he helped her into bed.
Jim pulled the covers up over her, smiling a little as he saw that the move had barely disturbed her sleep at all. He caressed her cheek and brushed a soft kiss against her cheek before he left the room to go turn off the television. After turning off the TV and making sure the doors were locked; he grabbed his overnight bag where he had dropped it behind the couch and headed back for the master bedroom and its bathroom.
He got ready for bed and stepped back out into the bedroom, his gaze straying to his wife, longing feeling him…his arms aching to hold her again. She hadn't told him where he could sleep…and he didn't want anything more than to just hold her…to lay beside her as they slept. Maybe he'd be up before her in the morning and she'd be none the wiser…or she could just slap him for being presumptuous…but tonight he just needed to be beside her and he'd worry about the repercussions tomorrow he thought to himself as he rounded the bed and carefully got in on his side.
Jim sighed softly as he settled into the comfortable bed, moving close to Johanna, his chest pressing against her back as he wrapped his arm around her. She didn't wake and he breathed easier, allowing sleep to wash over him once more as he relaxed; his heart feeling whole for the first time in thirteen years.
Sometime in the middle of the night, Johanna jerked upright, still more asleep than awake as the nightmare that had been filling her mind slowly receded into the shadows of the night. Her heart was pounding and in her haze of sleep, she wasn't sure where she was but she wanted Jim…but he was gone…she couldn't have him…she frowned, but that didn't seem quite right either. He had been there. A shuttering breath slipped across her lips as she shifted to look at the space beside her.
He was there…in the spot next to her where he was supposed to be…but was he real? She had had these moments before of thinking he was there and really he wasn't.
Her mind was addled with sleep and fear; her fingertips reaching out toward him, knowing he'd disappear as soon as she touched him…but as her fingertips grazed against his jaw, she felt the warmth of the skin…took note that he didn't fade away like a phantom in the mist.
Jim had woke when he had felt her jerk upright and he had been studying her, watching her in the dim shafts of moonlight that seeped through the window where the blind hadn't been closed. He could tell that she was more asleep than awake; that she had been startled by something in her dreams. He reached for her carefully as her fingertips continued to graze his jaw; his hand curling around her hip, making her flinch. "It's alright, sweetheart," he murmured sleepily. "It was just a dream…lay back down."
"Jim?" she whispered; the haze beginning to break, releasing her from its hold.
"I'm here," he told her, his hand gently squeezing her hip. "Come on, lay back down."
She didn't move and so he rose up, gathering her in his arm and laying back down with her tucked against him. "Go back to sleep, babe; it's alright…it was just a dream."
The sound of his voice, soft and rough with sleep and the warmth of his body against hers, seeped into Johanna's mind, allowing her to wake…to realize that they were in the master bedroom of the cabin; that he was with her…that she hadn't imagined him. She shifted, pressing her ear against his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat. The soothing rhythm made something crack open inside of her and she began to sob as she clutched his shirt.
"It's alright," he whispered, tightening his hold on her. "I promise it's going to be alright."
She said nothing, merely held tightly to the fisted fabric of his shirt as she sobbed, listening to the sound of his heartbeat as he threaded his fingers through her hair and whispered soft words of comfort.
Eventually her sobs eased into soft shuddering breaths as she fell asleep against his chest. Jim remained awake however, holding her tightly as he stared up at the ceiling; feeling that deep ache of anguish. He had to fix this…he had to do something to make this all better. Had to start making a better effort at getting back on track and getting home to his wife on a permanent basis…because she needed him just as much as he needed her. He couldn't keep screwing things up; if he did, he'd lose her for sure and he couldn't bear that. He needed to get her back; ease all the hurts and pain he had caused. He just had to go about it differently than he had planned when he had made his way back to New York. He had to remember all the things that he had done to win her the first time around. Jim sighed deeply…they were going to have to start over like she had said.