A/N: Thanks for your reviews; sorry for the delay.
Chapter 21
By the end of the day, Kate had changed their dinner plans to picking up take out and going to her apartment with it. Johanna didn't mind the change of venue; she was glad to be able to kick her heels off under her daughter's kitchen table but her brow rose as she watched Kate take down a bottle of wine and two glasses from the cupboard.
"What?" Kate asked as she caught her mother's look.
"I thought you didn't want me having wine," Johanna replied.
"I don't want you drinking a lot of it but you're here with me and that's different. I'm not going to let you go overboard but you don't have to have it if you don't want it; I won't be mad or anything."
She pondered it for a moment, thinking about how she had overindulged at the cabin but she didn't plan on doing that again…and refusing might make Katie suspicious. "Just half a glass; I'll be driving home later."
"You can stay here if you're worried about," Kate replied. "The guest room is clean."
"I don't have anything with me."
"You know you have a bag and two dresses in the guest room closet in case of emergency," her daughter remarked; "Just like I keep some things at home. You can stay…unless you have plans later," she said, a slight edge in her tone.
Johanna scoffed. "What plans?"
Her daughter shrugged as she recorked the wine after pouring them each half a glass. "I thought maybe you had a hot date."
She rolled her eyes. "I don't think so."
"I don't know why not," Kate said as she settled into her place across from her and opened the container that held her burger. "After all, you're having romantic weekend getaways."
"It wasn't like that," she insisted; "I went alone and there wasn't anything romantic."
"You didn't stay alone."
"I didn't know he was going to show up."
Kate eyed her. "And just why did he show up? You said he had been avoiding you for a little over a week…so why did he suddenly show up? Or is that just his M.O. now; just suddenly show up out of the blue?"
Johanna swallowed a bite of her chicken sandwich. "You want to tone down your cop look? I feel like you should read me my rights before we proceed."
Kate rolled her eyes. "Well my attorney mother is usually big on the truth and yet she's been lying to me lately so I have a right to interrogate her."
"I haven't been lying to you."
"Then what do you call it?"
"Withholding select information," Johanna replied.
"So, basically, lying."
"No, not lying; withholding. If you didn't ask a question in a way that required specific details then I didn't give you specific details."
"Sounds like a bunch of double talk to me," Kate remarked. "You've been lying."
"No; withholding…I look at it as attorney-client privilege."
Kate swallowed a bite of her dinner as she nodded. "Does that mean that your so called husband feels a need for a lawyer and called upon you for your services?"
Johanna smirked at her. "No, your DNA tested and proven father doesn't require legal counsel. I was speaking of being my own attorney."
She returned her smirk at the mention of the DNA test. "I thought you didn't think it was wise for a lawyer to represent themselves?"
"It depends on the circumstances."
"I see…well daughter privilege, granted to me by the fact that I have your DNA, no test needed, says that I have a right to demand that you overlook your personal attorney privilege at this time."
Johanna smiled a little; that old ache of the unachieved dream of a mother-daughter law practice spreading across her heart once more. "Just for you I will…at least this time."
"All the time."
"That could come back to bite you," she quipped.
"I'll take my chances," Kate replied.
"Alright, what do you want to start with?" Johanna asked; resigning herself to the fact that her daughter wasn't going to rest until she had all the answers she wanted.
"Let's go back to the beginning first," Kate said; "You know, the day we got the news…and how I took you home and you promised that you were going to stay there."
"You knew the next morning that I didn't stay home," her mother remarked. "So you can't act like that was a new revelation."
"No…but you told me you were in a hotel room and you neglected to mention that it was his."
"Yes, I did neglect to mention that…I didn't want you to be angry with me and you can't lie and say you wouldn't have been."
"Yeah; I would've been…because I was concerned for your safety. We didn't know if that was really him or not…"
"I knew," she insisted. "I went there to make sure but I knew."
"Well I didn't," Kate said sharply; "And what if you had been wrong? Or what if he isn't the same person anymore? You could've gotten hurt."
"I had the gun with me," she assured; "But your father would never hurt me. He's never raised a hand to me. When he had a problem drinking for awhile when you were four; he did grab me pretty hard one night while we were arguing. He left a few bruises on my arm and I fell when he pushed me away but that's the only thing that ever happened between us like that and he wasn't himself at the time. He never forgave himself for it though…and it was the last time he got drunk like that."
"I know, you've told me that story before…but this isn't 1984, Mom; this isn't the man you knew."
"He is. If I had any real doubts I wouldn't have gone alone."
"Then why did you go at all?"
"To be one hundred percent sure for your sake. I just had to quiz him on some things and I wanted to do it in person."
"Why not wait until daytime?"
"I didn't want to wait…I needed to see him again. I needed to ask questions. Believe me it wasn't a nice and easy thing…he didn't like being quizzed and only my threat to leave would make him accept that his word wasn't enough at the moment; so he answered my questions…reluctantly. After a certain point, he went to get us some cold drinks…I told him he didn't need to make a trip to the convenience store just for a Coke but he needed some space I guess. I fell asleep waiting for him and he didn't bother to wake me. He just went on to bed…alone. We slept separately."
"And what happened in the morning?" Kate asked. "Was he sitting right there beside you while you were lying to me on the phone?"
"I like how you throw that word around like you've never lied to me," Johanna shot back; "Like you've never withheld information. Half the time I only know what's going on in your life when I turn on the news and find out that your apartment has been bombed!"
Kate sighed deeply. "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry about that?"
"I'll let you know when you reach the quota," Johanna retorted.
"Fine; once again I apologize for your worry during that news broadcast…and any others that I'm sure you're gearing up to regale me with. But this isn't about me; it's about you."
"I think it's about both of us. You're not my mother, Katie; it's not like I have to report every move to you."
"Oh, but you seem to think I should report to you," she shot back.
"Yes, I am your mother; see there's the difference."
"More double standards," she argued. "Now back to this morning after at the hotel."
"Morning after," Johanna scoffed. "I think that term is only used when some kind of romantic escapade has been had through the night and I assure you that there was nothing romantic about that night."
"Still waiting for the answer…and now that I think of it, I did specifically ask you that morning if you were with him and you said no, so…you know, we're back to classifying this as lying."
"I wasn't lying; he wasn't in the room when your phone call woke me up," Johanna remarked.
"Technicality."
"You might view it that way but that's how it was; he wasn't in the room when I woke up so I said I wasn't with him. I didn't want you to know I was there for obvious reasons…and I didn't know where he had gone or if he'd back before I left."
"Fine," Kate remarked; "Then let's get to what went on that morning…I'm assuming he came back to the room before you left…didn't he?"
"Yes, he did," she answered. "He had gone to order breakfast for us."
Her daughter nodded. "How nice, a breakfast date."
Johanna shot her a glare as she popped a fry into her mouth and chewed before answering. "I had no intentions of staying for breakfast…I hadn't meant to spend the night."
"And yet you did stay for breakfast, didn't you?"
She sighed; raking a hand through her hair. "Yes, I allowed him to convince me to stay," she said, a touch of bitterness in her tone. "Don't go thinking it was some kind of welcome home date like we used to have when he'd come home from a business trip because it wasn't anything like that. I spent half the meal crying and demanding answers and he spent it being defensive and slightly annoyed that I wouldn't let him touch me. Now does that sound like a good time to you?"
"No…but you stayed for it…so there had to be something more to it or you would've left."
"I attempted to leave a few times."
Kate eyed her. "What stopped you? Did he force you to stay?"
"No, of course not…he just kept asking me to stay; saying he'd quit pushing and he would for a little while but then it would slip back in. He wanted to know about his mother…wanted to know if I had talked to you and if you were alright. He wanted to know if I was willing to let him back in my life and I told him the truth; it wasn't going to be instantaneous…that I need time…that we need time. I told him we couldn't just pick up where we left off; that we'd have a lot of work to do. It wasn't the answer he wanted but he accepted it and we made the plans for him to see his mother and then I left. Nothing happened. That's all there was to that first night and the next morning."
"Alright," her daughter replied. "What's next then?"
Johanna's brow rose. "Meaning?"
"What's the next thing I don't know the whole truth about? Another breakfast date? Lunch?"
"We haven't gone out on any dates, Katie."
"But you've seen him and been in contact with him."
"You say it like it's a crime."
She shrugged. "I don't trust him…I'm not all that sure that you should trust him; especially when you're suddenly sneaking around and lying."
Anger flicked across her face. "For the last time, I am not a teenage girl. I don't have to sneak around to see anyone, especially my own husband. If I want to see him; I will."
"I think we both know that, Mom; but you have been keeping things from me."
"Maybe I didn't think I needed to tell…do you tell me everything about your relationships?"
"No; but that's different."
"Oh I'm not sure it is…I haven't always approved of the men you dated," Johanna reminded her.
"I'm aware of that."
"And I'm sure that since you're aware of the dislike I've had for some of them that you probably didn't share much about those relationships."
Kate sighed. "I'm not an over-sharer by nature, Mother. I mean it's not like I give you an exact accounting of how many dates I go on a week or when I've had sex."
"Don't be a smart ass; you know that's not what I was saying," Johanna retorted.
"Alright; let's just move on from that topic. What was the next thing with your husband if it wasn't dates?"
"He texted me that night and a few times the day he moved into his mother's house. I admit my responses were mostly slow and blasé."
"Mostly?"
"I don't need to give you every detail of my personal conversations, Katie," she replied. "Some things are just my business…and despite your daughter privilege, you have no warrant to see my text messages."
"Fine; then what comes next after your private text messages?"
And then was the night where I went to your grandmother's to make her dinner as usual. He was there of course…it was tense and awkward…and then you had to show up in the driveway demanding DNA and made it worse."
"Oh good; we're getting to the sucking face in a bar part of this sordid story," Kate stated before taking a sip of her wine.
"Don't make it sound cheap," her mother chastened. "It wasn't like we planned it…it just happened."
"You said you both left Grandma's separately that night."
"We did; we ran into each other later on."
"Where?"
"In the city."
"Where in the city?"
"What does it matter?"
"Just curious," her daughter replied. "I'm just wondering if you saw him going into the bar so you followed him…or if you were already in the bar and he stumbled across you?"
"I told you the other day that we went to the bar together."
"But where did you run into him?"
Johanna sighed. "At the liquor store, okay? I went in to buy a bottle of wine and he was there to buy beer…he bought my bottle of wine with his beer; that's the bottle you found in the cabinet and had a hissy fit over."
Kate's jaw tightened, anger flickering in her green eyes. "What the hell were you doing in a liquor store?"
"I told you; I was there for wine."
"After years of keeping a promise to me not to keep it in the house."
Johanna sighed. "Katie; you know I never quit drinking completely; yes I stopped it all together for awhile but you know that I allow myself to have a glass when I want one. I know my limits."
"It's easier for you to stick to your limits if it's not in the house!" she exclaimed. "It's different at a restaurant or with a friend or relative, Mom. If it's in the house and you're drinking alone, chances are, you're going to do too much of it."
"You saw the bottle, Katie. It wasn't empty and I had had it for a week. If I had been going overboard, there wouldn't have still been a bottle for you to find!"
"So you didn't do it this time; what's to keep you from doing it next time?" her daughter yelled.
"Me," Johanna stated. "I do have a responsibility for myself, Katie. I don't want to drink it like I did years ago. I was trying to drown, I fully admit that…and yes, I've had a few drinks since my husband showed up out of the blue alive and well…and maybe I didn't have the best reasons for it…I admit that I drank some wine to help take the edge off of my emotions…to relax a little; but I did it in the privacy of my home and I didn't go overboard so stop looking at me like I'm an alcoholic."
Kate held her gaze. "What if you are? What if we've just been brushing it under the rug all this time, Mom? Maybe it was a mistake to let you go back to having a glass once in awhile after you had given it up…maybe the problem is still there."
"I don't have a problem!" Johanna yelled as she got up from the table, carrying the glass of wine Kate had given her to the sink and dumping it out without ever having taken a sip. "I don't drink every day; I'm not going to work hungover. I'm not drunk when you call or visit. You do plenty of drinking in hard times yourself so don't go throwing too many stones, Katie; or I might have to bring up a few stories you don't like being reminded of…you don't want that, now do you?"
"No," Kate said tersely as her mother retook her seat and reached for the soda she had ordered with her food.
"Then get off my back; and just so you know, I didn't even drink wine at the bar that night."
"Then what did you drink?"
"A margarita," she replied; "And I didn't get drunk from it either."
"Nice, you're moving up to harder stuff," Kate commented.
"Katie," she said; her voice full of warning; "If you're trying to piss me off, you're doing a very good job…but you won't like how it ends."
"You can't blame me for being concerned about it," her daughter spat.
"You'll know if I have a problem, Katie; but I don't have one. I know what I'm doing; I'm not a child!"
"Fine; do what the hell you want, you always do anyway," Kate retorted.
"Just like you do," Johanna shot back; "Now can we drop this drinking subject because it's getting old; not just from you but from my so-called friends that I work with. Maybe if everyone got off my back I'd be more like the person you all want me to be."
Kate took a bite of her burger; choosing her words carefully. "Okay; we'll drop that topic…let's go back to you and your husband.
"Why don't you call him what you used to call him?"
"Meaning?"
"Meaning why don't you just call him Dad like you always have since you stopped using the term Daddy."
"Maybe I don't fell like he deserves the term at the moment," she replied.
"You have the proof you wanted."
"That doesn't mean I have to call him anything…I guess I could call him Mr. Stafford since that's the name the FBI gave him."
Johanna frowned. "Don't call him that."
"Then 'your husband' it is."
"Fine. What do you want to know next? I already told you about the incident at the bar; I let him kiss me and he ran out on me. He avoided me for over a week."
"That should bring us up to how he ended up at the cabin," Kate replied; "You know, that weekend getaway you said you were taking to be alone."
"I did take it to be alone…I did go alone. I was alone Friday night and most of Saturday."
"How to did it come to be that your alone time was interrupted by your husband? How did he know where you were? Did Grandma rat you out?"
"No, you're grandmother didn't rat me out. He figured it out on his own when she told him I had gone away for the weekend."
"Mhmm…so what made him come find you after running out on you?"
Johanna sighed deeply; debating how to cherry pick her details so she wouldn't end up with another drinking lecture from her daughter. "I was stewing about things late Friday night," she admitted; "I was so angry with him for running out on me and avoiding me…I was hurt…I had so many doubts running through my mind. I had tried texting him during the week and he hadn't answered. I even tried to call him once and he didn't answer. I was so angry…and even though I figured it was futile, I picked up the phone and started sending him some very scathing text messages…over twenty of them if I remember correctly…telling him what a coward he was…among other things. I ended up waking him up and he said he didn't want to fight via text message so since I was full of bravado, I said to come on up and fight with me in person because I figured he wouldn't show up anyway; after all, he had gotten what he wanted and avoided me for over a week so why should I think for a minute that he'd show up? He told me to go to bed and we ended the discussion. I was alone all day Saturday…I was in the middle of making my dinner when he showed up at the door."
Kate took a sip of her wine. "What happened then?"
"We fought some more…and he brought up my Facebook page that apparently he's been stalking so I had to go over the whole Jeff thing."
"I told you that was going to happen."
Johanna smirked at her. "Yes, I know…but I told him everything about it. He didn't like it but that's too bad; he doesn't have to put up with what I deal with. He then invited himself to eat with me."
"And you let him?"
"It seemed like the only way we were going to have the conversation I wanted," Johanna remarked. "He usually is more amicable on a full stomach."
"So you moved from anger to dinner date," Kate said; judgement coloring her tone.
Johanna's eyes narrowed as she glanced at her. "It wasn't a date…I didn't expect him to show up; I told you that. I was making dinner when he got there."
"So? You weren't obligated to feed him."
"I know…I mentioned that…but he kept at me and finally I gave in…and then I guess he felt guilty because he said I didn't have to feed him…"
"But you did," Kate said; rolling her eyes; "Of course you did."
"Well how could I not!" she exclaimed. "He is my husband."
"Yeah; the husband who let you think he was dead for thirteen years, came back and three days later, abandoned you in a barroom and avoided you for over a week…that's a great marriage, Mom."
Johanna glared at her. "He left us because he had no choice, Katie. You can't really believe that he wanted to go, do you?"
She shrugged. "He did it easily enough…lied right to our faces and we didn't even know it. He claims to have wanted to be here so badly and yet when an arrest was made, he still waited several months to come back. He could've found a way to let us know he was alive…but he didn't; and don't tell me that doesn't bother you…"
"Of course it bothers me," Johanna interrupted; "But what's done is done; it's not like I can change it. I wish it had never happened and it wouldn't have if he hadn't wanted that damn promotion…but what do you want me to do, Katie?"
"I want you to think about what you're doing; can you really trust him? Is he really planning on sticking around? How many times are you going to let him hurt you before you stop letting it happen?"
"He didn't want to hurt me back then…his hands were tied, Katie. He was afraid that he was a danger to us; even that agent told us that they made that statement to him when they approached him."
"Fine; we'll ignore that part for the moment," she said with a wave of her hand as if she was shooing away a pesky fly. "What about the hurt he's caused since he's been back?"
Her mother sighed deeply. "This isn't the first time he's hurt me, you know? We have plenty of moments in our past where we've hurt each other…because that's how human nature is…it's how relationships are; sometimes it just happens but if you really love that person you can get past it."
"This situation is an awful lot to get past, Mom."
"I know that and so does he…but that doesn't mean I should just throw it away. I miss being married, Katie. I miss my husband. If I have a chance to have my life back; I have to take it."
"It's not going to be the same life," Kate argued.
"No…but it can be just as good with a little time and work."
Her daughter shook her head. "So what else happened at the cabin? How did he end up staying for the weekend…at least that's what you told Sharon."
Johanna took another bite of her dinner while silently cursing Sharon once more. "I asked if he had told Elizabeth where he was and he said he hadn't given her his exact location, just told her that he wouldn't be back until the next day."
"Awful presumptuous," Kate remarked as she stabbed a fry into a glob of ketchup.
"Yes, well…I mentioned that too and he said he could sleep in the car…and I couldn't let him do that."
"Oh of course not," her daughter said sarcastically. "I mean he's only lied to you for over a decade, turned up out of the blue, abandoned you again, intruded on your vacation and invited himself to dinner…I mean how could you not overlook all of that and not let him stay?"
Johanna frowned at her. "I'm sorry I'm handling this to your liking."
"I just don't get it," Kate stated; "There used to be a time when you didn't take anyone's bullshit and now…you take all kinds of it, from your co-workers, your friends, your newly returned husband."
"I have my limits, Katie…you of all people should know that," she said pointedly. "I'm not taking a lot of things anymore, that's why I'm retiring…it's why I'm trying to do what's best for me…and that means giving my husband a chance."
Kate rolled her eyes in response; her mother was only setting herself up for more heartache; why didn't she that? Why couldn't she get through to her?
"Don't roll your eyes at me," Johanna stated.
"Grandma says I get that from you."
"On the topic of your grandmother, I asked her if she was the one that gave your father your phone number. She said that she didn't…that he must've noticed it on the board in the kitchen where she has her phone numbers written."
"And you believe that?"
"Yes, I do," she replied; "Liz is no saint, I know that all too well…but the one thing I do know for certain is that when she does something, she doesn't deny it. She always takes ownership of it. I don't believe she gave him the number. You know she keeps that little corkboard on the wall near the phone and she has all of our phone numbers pinned to it in case she needs to call one of us when she's in the kitchen. Your number is on the paper right next to mine…it's really not so hard to believe that he didn't see it and take it upon himself to use it."
Kate gave a slight nod; that was a logical plausible excuse…her grandmother did have their phone numbers written down in various places around the house in case of emergency or if she forgot the number when she went to dial. He very could have gotten the number on his own in that way; after all, her grandmother wouldn't have seen any reason to remove her board of phone numbers from the wall just because he was there. "Alright…that does make sense…I won't be mad at Grandma."
"Good, because I don't believe she deserves it. You know she keeps the numbers written down all over the house."
"I know…but let's get back to the cabin and your interrupted vacation."
"Do we have to?" Johanna asked after swallowing another bite of her sandwich.
"Yeah, I think we do. Inquiring minds what to know."
"I assure you it's not as intriguing as you think."
"I'll be the judge of that."
Johanna rolled her eyes in response and her daughter smirked at her. "Now let's not have any eye rolling," she chastened.
"Oh shut up," her mother told her. "I'm allowed to roll my eyes; I'm the one being treated like a suspect."
"Daughter privilege," Kate reminded her.
"It only goes so far."
"Does that mean you let him crawl in bed with you?" she asked.
Johanna hesitated a second longer than she should have, the remark catching her off guard.
"Oh my God; you did, didn't you…you slept with him!"
"No!" Johanna exclaimed. "I didn't…not it the way you mean!"
Kate's eyes widened. "What do you mean not in the way I mean…no, wait, maybe I don't to know."
"It has nothing to do with sex!"
"Are we sure about that?" Kate asked; "Because this is taking an ugly turn."
Johanna huffed out a breath. "There was no sex."
"You're sure?"
She glared at her. "I think I would know…I know it's been awhile but I'm pretty sure I'd know if anything akin to it had gone on…there was nothing. Not even a kiss."
"Then why did you look like a deer in the headlights when I asked if you let him crawl in bed with you?"
Her mother sighed. "I don't think I like this topic anymore; can we move?"
"No."
"What if I give you an allowance for old times sake?"
"Nope."
"That pair of boots you've been wanting out of my closet since last winter?"
"Nice try but no," Kate replied; "Your desire to end the discussion is making me think that you're not being honest about something occurring at the cabin."
"Nothing happened; not in that way! Okay, I admit it; we slept in the same bed," she said, tossing her hands up in hair. "He's my husband, I'm allowed to sleep next to him."
"So much for needing time," her daughter remarked; "You're already having sleepovers with him."
"I wasn't even awake when he got in bed with me!" Johanna protested. "He took that upon himself."
"Did you slap him for it in the morning?"
"No."
"Why not?
"Because I liked it," she said with a shrug. "I told him it's not going to happen again anytime soon but I wasn't going to pretend to be mad about it when I wasn't."
Kate shook her head. "You're weak and now he knows it."
Johanna glared at her. "I've always been weak when it comes to him; it's no secret, he's known that for decades and so have I."
"So what else went on during your weekend rendezvous."
"I wish you wouldn't make it sound that way; it wasn't like that. We had breakfast; he wanted to walk around the property, I went with him…we talked, not about anything important…and when we got back, Liz was calling him because she was worried about him so he told her he'd be heading home. He got his stuff and he left. He asked me to let him know I got home safely and I did…and that's been all of it…but I think I did offend him this afternoon."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because when we were dealing with the issue at my office, he texted to say he knew what was going on and that he was outside and would come in if I wanted him to…I told him no, that I didn't think it was a good idea. He didn't reply…I texted him before I left the office to let him know I'd be with you and not going to his mother's, although I know she would've done told him and he didn't answer that message either. I assume I offended him by not accepting is offer."
"So he's going to go back to avoiding you because you didn't let him play hero," Kate remarked.
"I hope not…because I don't want to keep playing that game with him. Playing games in our twenties was one thing…I don't want to do it at this stage of our lives."
Kate smirked a little. "Well you did tell you had to start over, maybe he thinks the game playing is part of that."
"He's going to get quickly disabused of that notion if that's the case. I won't wait ten days to tell him off this time…and he won't like it."
"Definitely don't serve him breakfast after this one…or let him sleep in your bed."
"Shut up," she muttered before taking a sip of her soda.
Kate laughed. "I can't help it if you're doing it wrong."
"I'm not sure there's a right way to do this at this moment in time but instead of worrying about me doing my relationship wrong, worry about your relationship and what you and Rick are going to do with your time now that you no longer need to follow me to see who I'm spending my time with. You're going to have to think up new date night entertainment."
"Ha ha, you're so funny," her daughter replied. "We have plenty of things to entertain us without following you."
"Good; maybe I'll get a granddaughter after all."
"What about a grandson?"
"I'll take one of each," Johanna answered.
"I should've known you'd say that," Kate laughed; "But getting back to today…what made you decide to tell Sharon and company about your re-instated marriage?"
"You know you really could just say 'Dad'…I mean it's not like he's in the room to hear it."
"I don't want to…now tell me why you picked today."
"I wouldn't say I specially picked this day…it just kind of happened…because Sharon was harping at me about dating and how I'm a single woman and there are men who are interested in me and I just couldn't take it anymore and told her I was still married…that Jim was alive and back in the city and I wasn't going to be unfaithful to him. She of course assumed that I was either drunk or on drugs and then decided I had just snapped and lost my mind. You know the rest."
"Yeah, I finally got rid of the headache from it."
"I'm sorry, Katie," Johanna said honestly. "I hated having to call for you to come in…I feel badly about it, I really do."
She shook her head. "You don't need to feel bad; I didn't mind coming to help you. You didn't give me the headache…they did…and like I said at your office, I get it now. I see what you've been dealing with and if you're ready to get out of there, please do. I want you to be happier and I think you will be if you get away from there, Mom."
"I know I will be…that's why I made the decision to retire. I'm not saying I don't have moments of nervousness about it…I do…but in my heart, I feel it's the right thing to do. I'm ready. I'm tired of the job; tired of them…just tired of the whole dame thing."
"Then it's time," Kate agreed. "Get away from those people before they suffocate you further."
"You know…I've know Sharon since I was seventeen. I've known Mark and Cathy for as long as I've known Jim…and it hurts to be at the place where I don't care if I see or speak to them again once I finish things up in September. I just…they're not the people they used to be and they think the same thing of me and I just need them to not be in my life anymore. I'm so tired of so many things and they're at the top of my list. They're not my friends…I've been claiming them under those old titles for the last several years and really they haven't been anything but weights dragging me under."
"Then cut them loose. You don't have to keep toxic people in your life just because you've known them for forty years."
"I know; and in one way I can't wait…in others, I'm hesitant. I'm going to do it…but it's hard after so long."
"I know," Kate admitted. "I felt that way about Molly. We grew up together…she went to college a year before me and suddenly didn't treat me the same. I felt like I was the one always trying when it came to her…and I remember telling you that one day and you told me that maybe that friendship wasn't meant to continue. That maybe it had run its course…and that even though it hurt to know, clearly Molly didn't value our friendship the way I did. I remember thinking about that all night when you said that…and I knew you were right. It hurt to let go…but I stopped writing to her. Stopped calling when I'd hear she was in town. I had other friends…friends from school…and Chrissy who I grew up and she had gone to college before me too but she didn't abandon me like Molly did. Chrissy was the better friend…and she still is."
Johanna nodded. "I remember…and I have other friends too…better friends."
"Like Maggie," Kate replied.
"Yes…and she's coming home soon and I'm so glad," she said with a smile.
"Then you'll be fine," her daughter told her. "You don't need these people."
"You're right, I don't…and most of all, I have you."
Kate smiled. "Yeah; you have me…and I have you. Beckett women stick together."
She returned her smile and then turned serious once more. "What happened today before I called you?"
"You know what happened; I went to hear the test results."
"And?"
"And he thought it would magically make it all better and it didn't."
"What did he say?"
"He wanted to go to lunch and talk…that I could yell at him as much as I wanted but that he had proved he was my father and that he just wants to be in my life…you know the song."
"It's not a lie; he does want to be in your life…he does love you. He may have been a little naïve to think hearing the test would change her mind so easily but I can't really blame him for that. We all cling to hope when we want things to go a certain way."
"Yeah; well his hopes were dashed. I said no…and don't tell me I was wrong. I just can't go eat with him and pretend things are fine like you do."
"I haven't pretended that things are fine, Katie…and I wasn't going to tell you that you were wrong."
"You weren't?"
"No."
Silence fell over them as they nibbled at the remains of their dinner and opened the containers that held their chosen desserts.
"When are you going to talk to your father?" Johanna asked; breaking the silence.
"I don't plan on talking to him," Kate replied.
"Katie…I know you're not ready right now…but you need to talk to him. If you need a few weeks, fine, I don't begrudge you that…but you should talk to him. He's your father, he loves you…and I know you still love him despite what you want to tell yourself right now."
She scoffed, emotion beginning to clog her throat. "Just because you fell at his feet doesn't mean I'm going to."
"I haven't fallen at his feet," Johanna said firmly.
"You pretty much have. You let him get away with ditching you at the bar…you let him show up at the cabin; you feed him, you let him stay…you let him climb in bed with you…I figure by this time next week he'll be living back at home with you."
"No, he won't," she retorted. "And I told you, I was asleep when he got in bed with me."
Kate smirked at her. "Don't worry, I'm sure next time you'll be wide awake."
"Well if I am, that will be my business," Johanna remarked.
"You say that like I meant it in a certain way," her daughter retorted; a lilt in her voice.
"That's because I'm not stupid," she shot back. "I know you're implying sex."
"I wasn't implying anything," Kate replied; although she knew she had been. "You're the one who must be thinking about it…and you have, haven't you?"
Johanna took a sip of her soda and leaned back in her chair. "I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind," she told her; after all it was true; she had fleeting thoughts of what it would be like to recapture that part of her life with her husband.
"That's what I thought," her daughter scoffed.
She glared at her. "Well it has been a long time!"
"Yes, I know…you've told me."
"Only because you got nosy."
"I don't think I was being that nosy."
"Oh I don't know; my sex life keeps coming up in conversation…and I don't even have one so I don't know why it's a topic."
"Probably because you're thinking about taking it up again," Kate quipped. "I mean you just admitted it. You're just going to jump into bed with him and take him back without batting an eye."
"No, I'm not. If I was going to do that, I would've already done it!"
"Maybe you'll have better luck on your next weekend getaway," Kate replied; her tone full of snark.
Johanna scoffed. "Oh sure…it's been so long I probably don't even remember how to do it anymore."
Kate cringed a little as she downed half of her wine; this was one of those moments when she wished she hadn't been flippant and got this topic off and running. "I'm sure it'll come back to you," she replied; "And if it doesn't, I'm sure he'll be happy to help you along."
Johanna flicked a piece of lint off of her skirt; keeping her gaze away from her daughter's face. "I don't need to worry about it right now anyway…it's not like it's going to happen anytime soon."
"But you want it to," Kate said; hating herself for prolonging the topic.
"When the time is right and things are more comfortable between us…yes," she admitted. "I can't lie and say I didn't enjoy that aspect of my marriage; I did…and I want my marriage back…all of it."
Kate nodded; her gaze slightly narrowed. "I just hope when you get it that he doesn't run out on you like he did at the bar when you let him kiss you. He avoided you for what, ten days for that one? You go all the way and that will probably be a month of avoidance."
She smirked at her. "Thank you so much for putting that in my head so I can have doubts when the moment comes."
"I'm sorry but maybe it's something you should consider…while the thought cools you off."
"I don't need cooled off; I'm not even lukewarm," her mother retorted. "Why do we keep talking about this anyway? Do I stick my nose in your love life?"
"On occasion," Kate replied.
"When?"
She gave a short laugh. "Like you really need to ask; I mean you do offer a critique of my boyfriends when you feel it's warranted."
"I wouldn't call it a critique."
"Oh I don't know; I remember when you stopped me from getting married while on spring break and when you sobered me up, you gave a very scathing critique of my boyfriend at the time and asked me what I saw in him…"
"Yes," she said with a nod; "And you thought you'd shock me by saying the sex was good and that I'd stop yelling at you…and that didn't work, did it?"
"No…if I remember correctly; you said good sex isn't enough when it's with someone who is too stupid to function as a decent human being and was destined to be low level criminal with a high efficiency at being a bum."
Johanna smiled. "And was I wrong?"
Kate glared at her over the rim of her wine glass.
"Was I wrong, Katie?" she asked once more.
"No! Okay, no, you weren't wrong…he does have a record and from what I hear, he is a bum."
"Then that point is moot isn't it? I don't classify that as a critique when it turned out to be true…I'd classify that as logical advice."
"You never did tell me what you said to him that made him break up with me and leave Vegas without me," Kate stated.
"All you need to know is that I took away the mistake you were about to make."
"I'd still like to know though…out of curiosity."
"I reminded him that I'm a lawyer," Johanna stated; "And then I lied to him and said that I could file charges, saying that he had forcibly kidnapped you and took you across state lines; plying you with alcohol while under the legal drinking age to keep you docile. I told him I'd have no problem securing witnesses…that I could make a very convincing case for why he'd want to marry you under false pretenses…like your trust fund…and that I already knew about his few brushes with the law…how I could very easily have him put away for awhile…and if I somehow couldn't; I knew people who could deal with him in other, non-legal ways. He took the hint and got lost after being given permission to see you long enough for a proper break up."
Kate eyed her mother. "Yeah; that's not meddling in my love life at all."
"You didn't need that kind of love life. I saved you from a big mistake and a lot of heartache," her mother remarked; "And I'd do again."
"Fine; we'll let that one slide."
"Because you know I was right."
She rolled her eyes. "What about your assessments of other boyfriends? Like Will…and how after he left after meeting you for the first time, you looked at me and rolled your eyes and said 'seriously, Katie? You can do better than that."
Johanna shrugged. "And again, I wasn't wrong."
"You could've been…he was way better than any of my college boyfriends."
"Only in the fact that he had a job and no criminal record," she replied. "That didn't stop him from being arrogant though…and bland."
"Bland!?" she exclaimed.
"Oh come on, Katie; you know he was boring…the only thing you two had in common was police work and once a move up the ladder came along, he dropped you like a hot potato because he was more concerned with himself and his career and we both know it…don't we?"
"Hold on," Kate said, raising her hand. "Should you, who married her colleague, be preaching against a relationship with someone in your profession?"
"I have nothing against having a relationship with someone you work with…but the relationship should be based on more than just work…I mean what did you have in common with him besides work? You like baseball and he liked hockey. You like Italian food and he liked anything he could pick up on a street corner. He made fun of the books you read; you told me yourself you could hardly ever agree on movies to see…so…what was there besides work?"
Kate smirked at her. "The sex was good."
Her mother rolled her eyes. "Is that your favorite excuse?"
"Well you were the one who told me that sex was only good with the right person so…how was I to know they were wrong when you had given that wise motherly advice that it was only good with the right one. I think you gave me faulty advice and then want to blame me for it."
"Don't be a smart ass; when I told you that I was trying to keep you from making me a grandmother while you were in high school…and since there's no teenager running around calling me Grandma, I'd say I succeeded…at least in asking you to think about what you were doing and to be very careful if you decided you had to go through with it."
"Don't forget those helpful descriptions of having to take my baby to prom in a stroller if you weren't available to babysit that night…and you know, the talk of diaper blowouts and teething…missing out on concerts and parties and rarely seeing my friends," Kate added.
Johanna nodded. "You looked horrified at each point I brought up so I just assumed I had found a good form of birth control for you…at least that's what I told myself so I'd be able to sleep at night."
Kate smiled a little. "It was effective…and while I'm not offering details or anything…I held off longer than you probably think I did."
"Good…but you're right, I don't want to know."
"But on this topic of love life meddling; you do now demand grandchildren," Kate remarked.
"Yes," she said with a nod; "Because now you're an adult with a job and you've been through your 'me' phase and now it's time to get with the program and make your mother happy. I'm still young enough to chase after toddlers…and I will be retiring soon and will need something to do, like babysitting…and you need something besides work in your life…so, yeah, I think it's time."
"What do you mean I need something more than work?"
Johanna sighed a little. "Katie…I love you…"
"Oh God," she groaned.
"I do…but if we're being honest; the majority of your life for the past thirteen years has been work in one way or another…of reaching for the next promotion and now it's talk of being Captain one day…and that's great; but sweetheart, sometimes it seems like you think the only way you can be fulfilled is by climbing the ladder and there are other ways…like having a family. When I was in high school, all I wanted was to go to law school; wanted to have this fabulous law career…wanted to argue in front of the Supreme Court and it drove me to get the grades and the scholarships and to get into Columbia and find a prestigious firm to work at, even though I never ended up in front of the Supreme Court…but a law degree didn't keep me warm at night and it didn't keep me company when I was lonely either. Don't get me wrong; I loved my job…in fact, I miss having that love and passion for it…but it wasn't enough. I needed more…and I found your father and I had you…and then I felt complete; I had my career that I wanted but I also had the man I loved and the baby I wanted more than anything. I'm not saying it's wrong for you to love your job and to strive for a better position when you're ready…but I want you to have everything else too. I want you to have a happy relationship…I want you to have a baby and know that kind of love. I want you to have it all like I did…and I know, some people don't think what I had was much but it was everything to me and I want that for you. I'm not trying to make you angry…I just want you to have happiness besides work."
"I know," Kate murmured as she met her eye; "And I'm not opposed to those things…I'd like to have them too…but I don't believe in fairy tales anymore, Mom; and you always make your story sound like a fairy tale…that some white knight came along and saved you and you lived happily ever after."
"He did save me," Johanna replied; "He saved me from a lot of things…and I'd like to think that it was a mutual saving…that maybe I saved him from a few things too. We could've ended up so very different if we hadn't had each other. We finished growing up together…we went through our trials and tribulations, break ups, spats, good times and hard times…but I wouldn't trade a minute because it was the best time of my life…and I want you to have love like that…because then you'll see that fairy tales are real even if they're not exactly perfect. Don't give up on the magic just because we've been through hard times, Katie. It'll only make you bitter in the end and I don't want that for you."
"I don't want that either," she admitted. "I'm not saying I don't want a baby when the time is right…but it worries me."
"That's only natural."
Kate shook her head. "No, I mean…is it fair of me to bring a kid into this world with the job I have? It's not exactly safe."
"Katie…you can't deprive yourself of things because you're afraid. I know your job is dangerous…but nothing in life is certain. You know that."
She nodded; worrying her lips as emotion welled in her eyes. "Yeah, I know; I never thought that my parents jobs could cause harm to them…but then I suddenly didn't have a father and you suddenly didn't have a husband…and it's hard to think about that, Mom. I wouldn't want to do that to my kid or my husband."
"I know, baby," she soothed; "Nobody wants that to happen to their family…and you say you want to be Captain so that would be a relatively safer job if you think about it…but no matter what you decide career wise; don't let fear stop you from having the things you want. Your father and I didn't know our lives were going to unravel in a matter of moments…and I know it's been a lot of pain and hurt…but Katie, despite everything that's happened since January of 1999, I still wouldn't give up the life I had with you and your father."
"I know you wouldn't."
Johanna reached for her hand and held it. "I just want you to be happy in all aspects of life. I'm not trying to rush you or anything; I know you're in this new phase of your relationship with Rick; that you thought this case was over and behind us and now we're in a new development and it's got you upset…but I just want you to have everything."
"I know," she said softly; squeezing her hand. "And I want that too."
"Then have it…it's out there and it's yours for the taking."
"For now, can I just promise to try?" Kate asked; meeting her gaze.
Johanna smiled. "Of course…because I know you always try your best at everything."
"Except at grocery shopping…I hate that," Kate said, a touch of lightness in her tone.
Her mother laughed. "I know…and I'm not even going to look in your refrigerator while I'm here because I'm sure you're dreading that moment."
Kate laughed. "It's not as bad as usual."
"Good to know…but listen," Johanna said, keeping hold of her daughter's hand; "And by listen, I mean hear me out without interruption so you don't jump to conclusions…"
"I hate when you start conversations that way," her daughter sighed.
"I know…but you've got those Beckett genes so I have no choice sometimes."
"Alright," Kate sighed; "Say whatever it is you need to say that I'm probably not going to like."
Johanna chose her words carefully as she kept hold of her daughter's hand. "I know things are hard right now…I know you're hurt and angry; so am I…and I know you don't think I am because I'm going about things differently than you are…but I am, Katie. I know that despite proof and evidence that you don't trust your father…and I get it; you're giving me that look that implies that I don't, but I do…because I just spent over a week wondering if I had been a fool to give him the hint of trust that I gave…and I'll admit that a part of me is still wary; but I…I have to try, Katie. He's the only man I'm ever going to love and I can't change that…and I don't want to. I've spent a lot of years just wanting it back…and I know you don't think I should be giving him the time of day but I have to; because he's been a part of my heart for so long. I love him and I love you…and I know we're probably going to butt heads about this at times but I have to try…not just for him…but for me. I just don't want you to push me away because of it."
Kate shook her head. "I can't stop you…I just don't want you to be hurt again."
"I don't either…and I told him that at the cabin; that I don't think I could go through having my heart broken again. He says that's not going to happen…and I have to give him a chance to prove that to me."
She squeezed her mother's fingers, her gaze dipping to her wine glass. "I just wish you wouldn't rush into this…because what if you're wrong and he does break your heart again?"
"I'm not rushing; I told him it would take time…that we have to start over in a lot of ways…and if it doesn't come out the way I want and he breaks my heart again; then I'll know my second chance wasn't meant to be…and there can be closure this time even though I'll be devastated all over again but at least I'll know I tried. I want to be hopeful though…I want to think that we'll succeed like we always have before."
"You don't know anything about him anymore, Mom."
"I know him, Katie…and what I don't know about the last thirteen years, I can learn. Don't you think he needs to learn about me again too…about what my life has been like while he was gone?"
"I think everything we've been through should've been one of the first things you screamed at him on sight," Kate remarked.
Johanna sighed deeply. "Forgive me, I was in shock at the moment…but I'm sure the topics will come up."
"I know you think I'm just being mean and overbearing," she remarked; pulling her hand away from her mother's.
"No, I don't think that. I know you're concerned…I know you worry; but I'm going to do it anyway…just like you always do what you want despite my worry and concern."
Kate smirked at her as she gave a soft shake of her head. "Apparently we now know who I get that I from."
"Oh I always knew it was me…you get your control issue from your father though."
"I don't have a control issue."
Johanna smiled. "You do…you think if you have control of everything that you can have a say in getting the outcome you want. Your father is the same way; he always wanted to have a certain amount of control, thinking it could keep things from going sour that way. You've always been like him in that way."
"I'm nothing like him."
"Oh but you are; you've got a nice dose of your father in you."
Kate shook her head. "I look like you and I'm like you."
"Yes, you do look like me…but your face is shaped like your father's; you have his height and hairline and some of his expressions; and you are like me in some ways…but you're like him in others…and a little like your grandmother which is sometimes worrisome considering that Liz didn't settle down until old age," she said with a laugh.
Kate rolled her eyes, a small smile tugging at her lips. "I am not like Grandma…with the exception of having her hair color."
"You have your moments of being like her…and her smirk," Johanna said as she leaned back in her chair. "But it's okay, I've learned to make my peace with it over the years."
"That's good to know."
She gave her a smile and then turned serious once more. "Like I said earlier; I know you're not ready to talk to your father…but don't just close the book on it, Katie. I know you're hurt and angry…I know what you've been through…how you took his case onto your shoulders and solved it when no one else would. I don't blame you for being angry. I'm angry too. I don't blame you for being hurt. I'm hurt too. But you've spent all these years wishing he was here; thinking about things he's missed…things in the future that he'd miss like seeing you get married or seeing your children. I get all of that…and I know you don't want to think about the love you have for him right now because your pain and your anger…but it's still there, Katie; you can't just turn it off like flipping a light switch. He loves you too and he's hoping that one day in the near future that he can talk to you…hug you…be your father again. I know you're not ready…I know you need time and that's fine, sweetheart; I'd never tell you not to take the time you need…but just promise me that you won't just slam the book shut and call it done. We'll never really heal from this unless we try…and that means all three of us. I'm not saying it'll be perfect. I'm not saying you have to have the same kind of relationship that you used to. I'm just saying that when you've had enough time and space from the rawness of these past few weeks; talk to him…not for his sake but for yours. No matter what happens from it; whether you want to let him back in or not; at least it would be a form of closure about this section of your life. I know it's never going to go away…but maybe it'll be easier to carry if you talk to him when you fell you've had enough time."
Emotion tightened her throat; the tears she had been holding back all day breaking free and rolling down her cheeks. "I'm not ready," she said softly as she met her mother's eye. "It just hurts too much right now."
Johanna nodded as she got up and rounded the table, pulling out the chair next to her daughter and sitting down so she could pull her into her embrace. "I know," she murmured to her as she held her. "You don't need to do it now; I know you need time."
"I don't think he gets it," she cried as she clung to her mother.
"I know…that's because he feels guilty…because he's desperate right now; desperate to get his life back, desperate to make things the way they were…to make everything right again. He doesn't know how to do this anymore than I do…and I don't want you to think I'm defending him by saying that…it's just the truth. None of us know how to do this; all we can do is allow ourselves to do what feels right, take the time we need, figure it out one day at a time. We just have to pick up the pieces again, Katie."
"I'm tired of picking up the pieces," she replied amid sobs that she couldn't seem to stop.
"I know, baby…me too," Johanna admitted. "Every time we think we've gotten on stable ground something comes along and knocks us back down…but we're going to be alright…just like always," she promised.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because your grandmother always told me that life never delivers something that we can't handle…there have been times when I thought she was wrong…but then we'd make it out the other side and even though it was terrible and painful, we made it and she was right."
Kate said nothing in response, just continued to hold tightly to her mother as she cried. Johanna murmured soft words to her, rubbing her back soothingly as she allowed her to cry it all out; knowing that her stubborn daughter had been holding it all in instead of letting it out. Eventually her sobs eased and after a few moments, she began to pull away from her mother.
"Feel better?" Johanna asked softly, wiping a few tears from her daughter's face.
She shrugged. "I don't know…I feel like I just don't know."
Her mother nodded. "I know the feeling…at the cabin that night he stayed…I had a nightmare and he woke me from it in the middle of the night. I fell back to sleep knowing he was there next to me and when I woke up alone the text morning…it brought it all back and I was so sure he was gone again in one way or another and I just cried instead of getting out of bed and investigating…because I was having that moment of just not knowing and not feeling strong enough to find out."
"But he was still there," Kate murmured.
Johanna nodded. "He had gone to make breakfast…he came in to wake me and when he asked why I was crying, I lied and said I had another bad dream because I didn't want to tell him how easy it was for me to jump to conclusions and be shattered all over again."
"Maybe you should have," she sniffed. "Maybe then he'd start getting the point."
"Maybe I should have…but you know how it is sometimes…we have our pride; a McKenzie gene pool trait I'm afraid," Johanna admitted.
"I remember Grandma Naomi always saying that."
Her mother nodded. "She always turned out to be right."
"Don't you just hate that when your mother is right?" Kate asked somewhat sarcastically.
Johanna smiled. "Yes; but then I get to see you hate it just as much and I feel better."
She returned her smile with a wobbly one of her own. "You're not going to get pushy about this issue, are you?"
"The issue of you speaking to your father?"
"Yeah."
Johanna shook her head. "I'm not going to push…I'm not saying I might not ask you where you are on the topic from time to time, but I'll respect your choices even though I hope you will talk to him after you've had some time. Will you respect my need to try to have my husband back?"
"As much as I can," Kate answered; "But if he does something to you that I don't like I'm probably going to say something about it."
"I know…I wouldn't want it any other way. We can get through this, Katie; no matter which way we each decide to handle it. I just don't want to get pushed away because I made the choice to try."
"I won't push you away," she promised. "I can't promise we won't bicker about it but I won't push you away."
"We wouldn't be us if we didn't find something to bicker about," Johanna said with a laugh. "That's just our nature."
"I know," Kate said softly; meeting her gaze once more. "Are you going to stay tonight? We can watch Temptation Lane…and since you're closer to work here you could sleep a little longer."
Johanna wasn't dense, she knew it wasn't a concern for her sleeping habits that made her daughter want her to stay. She just needed her mother around tonight and she couldn't deny her the security she was seeking without fully asking for it. "Yes, I'm going to stay…I would like to watch Temptation Lane with you and by the time it's over it'll be getting late and I'd rather just stay here."
Kate smiled. "Good…I'm glad you're staying."
"Me too, sweetheart. Let's get this mess cleaned up and then settle down for the evening," Johanna replied. "I think we've been through enough for today."
"I think we've been through enough for a long time…but that seems to be our lot in life," Kate replied.
"I wish I could say you're wrong about that…but it does seem like it is our lot," she agreed. "But we can try to forget about it for the rest of the evening. I think we've earned that right."
Later that night, Johanna laid awake in Kate's guest room; phone in hand as she typed a message to Jim and then deleted before sending it. She already had to unanswered messages from earlier today to tell her that he wasn't happy with her…and yet her heart kept begging her to send another message; perhaps over the course of the evening he had calmed down and saw the logic of why she had said no. Maybe she should try again. Maybe she needed to explain it once more and he'd understand.
"Jim; I really didn't mean to hurt you this afternoon. It's not that I didn't want you there…it's just that it would've just made them behave worse. I didn't want you to have to deal with that…and yes, I didn't want to have to deal with more than I was already dealing with at that moment. It was bad enough that I had to call Katie…I didn't want to make it even bigger. I know you probably think I stayed away on purpose tonight but I didn't. Katie wanted me to have dinner with her and I did. I'm still with her; I'm staying with her tonight. I didn't feel like going home. You have to know that I wasn't trying to hurt you. We have enough hurt between us; I wouldn't try to purposely inflict more."
She pressed send before she lost her nerve; hoping he'd answer this time. She laid quietly in the darkness, the phone in her hand as her watch softly ticked off the minutes from it's place on the nightstand. Ten minutes passed and soon twenty…she checked the message; it had been read…he just wasn't going to answer. Anger flickered in her veins…she'd give him twenty-four hours…and if he didn't contact her by then, when she got to Elizabeth's on Wednesday; he wasn't going to enjoy seeing her. She was too old to be playing these damn games; he was either in or he was going to be out; the choice was his and he better make up his mind before she made it up for him, Johanna thought to herself as she laid her phone on the nightstand and rolled over onto her side, jerking the covers around her more tightly. Somehow over the course of the last thirteen years she had forgotten how much trouble men could be…but it was all coming back to her now. She punched the corner of her pillow; nothing could ever just be easy…at least not for her anyway.