A/N: Thanks for your reviews, sorry for the wait as usual.
Chapter 22
The next evening, Johanna found herself standing in her kitchen contemplating what to make for dinner. She was supposed to be at Elizabeth's…but her mother-in-law had called her right before she left the office and told her that Andrew and Gabby were taking her out to dinner before they left town the next day on spur of the moment trip for a few days. She sighed a little; she didn't begrudge her mother-in-law having dinner plans…but she had been hoping that she'd see her husband tonight while in Elizabeth's home so that they could end this thing that felt like some kind of standoff that she hadn't asked for nor wanted. Her husband still wasn't responding to her messages…and he had ignored a call as well. She smirked at the remembrance of that unanswered phone call…clearly he didn't worry about something being wrong with her or his daughter or he'd at least answer the phone long enough to find out if everything was alright before he went back to ignoring her.
She blew out a breath and gripped the edge of the sink, feeling out of sorts and unsure of what to do about it. She had been invited to go out to dinner with Elizabeth and Andrew but she had declined after inquiring if her husband would be joining the group. Her mother-in-law had informed her that Jim had left that morning saying he had things to do and hadn't returned and that his response to his brother's text inviting him to the meal had been a simple 'no thanks'. She had hoped that meant that her husband would find his way back to his mother's house, knowing that it would be empty and that she would've been notified not to come over…and with that thought in mind, she had made the drive to Elizabeth's after work with the hope that his car would be parked out front.
Johanna glanced down at her wedding rings…his car hadn't been parked in front of his mother's house. It hadn't been in the driveway and a slow drive up and down the street told her that he hadn't parked it anywhere else nearby either. She had even called Jeff to see if he had seen Jim but he hadn't seen him either although he promised to let her know if he did. Her heart ached; why was he so insistent on jerking her around? Hadn't she been jerked around enough? She blinked back the sting of tears; it all felt so hopeless…and maybe Katie was right…maybe she didn't know him anymore. Maybe the man she knew and loved had really been lost thirteen years ago. Maybe Jim was a stranger now…one who had been alone long enough to change everything she had known about him…had been away long enough to come back as a man who couldn't make up his mind.
A knock at the back door made her flinch and her heart leapt at the thought that it might be Jim but she shook off that notion as she headed to the door. He didn't have the nerve to answer a text, he wasn't going to have the nerve to show up at her door…even if he had shown up at the cabin. Showing up here at their home would be different. She breathed deeply and released the breath slowly as she unlocked the door and pulled it open a crack to peer outside. Her husband wasn't on the porch as she knew he wouldn't be but she smiled, her gaze meeting Maggie's as her best friend beamed at her.
"Maggie, what are you doing here?" she asked pulling the door open the rest of the way.
"I hope you haven't ate yet," Maggie said as she stepped inside, bags dangling from her hand. "I brought dinner."
"No, I haven't ate…how did you know I'd be home. I'm usually with Elizabeth on Wednesdays."
"Jeff told me," she answered as she put the bags on the table. "Since I was in the city checking on the progress at the apartment I thought I'd get dinner and bring it to you. I got Italian because I know it's your favorite and we had my favorite last time. I also brought wine…and I know how Katie feels about wine bottles being here so I promise to take the evidence with me when I leave."
Johanna relocked the back door, glad to see her friend and be spared the loneliness of the house for awhile but something seemed a little off with Maggie…she usually didn't show up unannounced…and she usually didn't ramble unless she was putting something off. "I'm glad to see you," she said as she moved to the table. "Surprised but glad…you didn't tell me you'd be in town today; we could've had lunch."
"It was a last minute decision…I'm sorry I didn't call first but Jeff said you'd be here."
A knowing smile touched her lips as she eyed her friend. "Was he checking out the progress of your apartment with you?" she asked, a teasing glint in her eye.
Maggie smirked at her. "I might've invited him to join me…I needed his opinion on the workmanship."
Johanna's brow rose. "The workmanship? You're having the place painted…what exactly did you need his opinion on?"
"The color…if it looked right…if the paint was good quality."
"And he fell for that?"
"Willingly," Maggie said with a nod.
She laughed. "Wow, Mags; what even made you think that one up?"
"I wanted to see him…I saw him last week…and I wanted to see him again and I didn't think I could just call him up and ask for another lunch date so soon so…I came to the city…called him and asked if he had time to give me his opinion…and he came right over. He says the paint is good quality but he doesn't care for the color I picked for the kitchen so we picked a new one. He says it's a nice neighborhood but he wants to personally install the new locks on my door so he knows for sure it's done right and that I'll be safe…and I will, of course, let him do that."
Johanna shook her head at her. "So where exactly are we in this reunion scheme of things with the two of you?"
"Beats the hell out of me; we're cautious…but in some ways we've fallen into old habits…I'm hopeful but…also trying to be very careful and not rush and do this right."
"Understandable. I'm surprised he didn't take you out to dinner since you were already together."
"Let's get settled with our food and drinks," Maggie told her, her tone changing slightly.
Johanna eyed her for a moment, knowing something was up but she said nothing as she turned and went to the cupboard, pulling down two wine glasses before grabbing silverware from the drawer as Maggie set the containers of food on the table.
"Alright, Maggie, what's up?" she asked after they had settled down with their food and glasses of wine.
Her friend sighed a little, raking back a wayward blonde curl. "So listen…"
"Oh God," Johanna said. "After all the time we've known each other, don't you know how much I hate hearing those words at the start of a conversation?"
"Yes," Maggie said; "And after all these years of knowing each other, don't you know it's my favorite way to get a ball rolling so I can be blunt about something that I can't find a way to say in gentler terms?"
She sighed. "I suppose that's true…so let's have it."
Maggie met her eye. "I know about Jim."
Johanna stared at her for a long moment. "Meaning you've found out or that you've known something I didn't know and didn't tell me?"
Her friend shook her head. "No, nothing like that. Jeff told me…I had been trying to think of a way to bring it up to you the last few days but then you called Jeff while I was with him and I told him I was going to come talk to you. He hopes you're not mad at him for telling me; he just knew it was hard for you to do…and after he let you down at lunch recently by being Jim's defense when you needed to rant; he figured you needed me. He doesn't want you to be mad…but he told me to tell you that if you are, then you could just chalk it up to you two being even and get back to being not mad at him."
"What does he mean by being even?"
Maggie smiled. "Jeff said to tell you that if you're mad, think back to that time he and I were on a break because he wouldn't tell me what was holding him back from a marriage proposal…so you told me his reason and he got pissed off about it…he said if you're mad, now you're even and bygones can be bygones. If you're not mad, disregard the message."
She gave a small laugh. "Only Jeff would send instructions."
"It's part of his charm," Maggie quipped. "Are you mad?"
"No…I'm not mad. I should be surprised that he told you but I'm not. What all did he tell you?"
Maggie swallowed a bite of her pasta. "Everything he knows, but I want to hear it from you…from the beginning up to now. So spill your guts; I've got plenty of time."
"Are you staying in town for a few days?"
"Yes, I dropped my stuff off at the hotel before I called Jeff."
"You could've just stayed here with me and saved some money, it's not like you haven't done it before."
"Honestly; I came on such a whim that I didn't even think about it, Jo; but it doesn't matter. I'm here now…and if it gets late, I will invite myself to stay in your guest room because you know I hate to drive late at night."
"You know you can stay any time," Johanna assured her.
"Now that we have that all sorted; quit stalling and tell me what the hell has been going on? You've seemed a little off the last few times we've talked but I chalked it up to work…then Jeff told me about Jim being back and I realized that I should've known it was about him in some way."
She took a small sip of her wine and twirled her fettuccini around her fork for a moment before she began telling Maggie everything from the day Jim came home up to the present day and his silence once again.
"You've been going through all of this and I've been bugging you with what should I wear to my lunch date with my ex-husband questions," Maggie remarked.
Johanna gave a shake of her head. "That's just as important…we're trying to erase that ex part for you."
"Yeah, but, Jo…this is huge…why didn't you tell me?"
"I wanted to," she confessed; "But I didn't know how and then I thought he had rejected me so I didn't want anyone to know about him…then I finally tell people and he's back to avoiding me because I didn't let him swoop in that day."
"But I could've been here for you…I know you've been telling Jeff and I get that…but you know, he's not good at the ranting thing…unless it's his own ranting."
She smiled a little. "Oh I know…I'm pretty sure I told him that he sucked at it."
"Yeah…you did, that's why he told me what was going on…he knew you couldn't rely on Sharon."
"Don't even get me started on her…every available minute at the office since she found out is spent telling me that I'm a fool if I take him back."
"It's none of her business…and it's not her choice."
"I know…"
"But?"
Johanna shook her head softly. "I'm starting to wonder if Katie isn't right…maybe I don't know him anymore."
"Maybe it's not that you don't know him anymore…maybe it's just that you don't know this side of him…because maybe he didn't have this side before or maybe it was always there and it just took something terrible to bring it out."
"The logical side of my brain gets that…the other side…," she trailed off; unsure of the right words to describe the feeling.
"The other side is fueled by emotion…love, hurt, anger…doubt," Maggie remarked. "And it's okay to feel all of those things, Jo…because I know you; you're beating yourself up inside for feeling anything but love and relief."
"I can't deny that," Johanna admitted quietly as she took a sip of her wine.
"Well stop it; you're allowed to feel it all…you wouldn't be normal if you didn't."
"I just don't understand why he keeps doing this avoidance thing as soon as he doesn't get his way. I thought things were better after seeing him at the cabin and then I wouldn't let him rush into my office and make things worse so now it's radio silence again…and I keep trying but he's just ignoring me and it just…he wouldn't have done that before."
Maggie met her eye. "No, he wouldn't have…but that was then and this is now…and this isn't the confident secure man you're used to, Jo. This is a man who isn't confident…and he's scared…and don't get me wrong, I'm not defending him, but maybe after all this time of wanting to be back home and having this fantasy of it going off without a hitch and it turning out the opposite, he uses this tactic as a way of protecting himself. If he doesn't get too close too fast, if things don't go his way, he can pull back and still be who he's been in Virginia…and that person is used to being without you…so if he thinks he's being rejected, he'll just ignore you and he can feel like he has some control."
Johanna swallowed a bite of her dinner. "I understand that…but I felt like we had worked through this issue at the cabin. I told him that we couldn't do this thing of popping in and out of my life like an extra in a movie…that I want us to work this out but we have to start over in some ways. He said he was onboard with that…and then he does the exact same thing a day later. Like we never talked about it at all. I made it clear that I couldn't keep doing this!"
Maggie smiled. "Yes, you may have made it clear at the cabin but…"
"But what?"
"But after making it clear, you went and got cozy with him on the couch…and let him spend the night…and sleep in your bed. Now I'm not judging you for those things, because I don't blame you for wanting those moments and feelings and just having that night of being with him…but I think the coziness might've softened the warning, Jo. He thinks well I can do this and come apologize after a week or so and she'll let me cuddle up to her on the couch and all will be well and maybe next time she'll let me do what I want so we can avoid this issue coming up again."
Johanna eyed her. "So what are you saying exactly?"
"I'm saying mixed signals."
"Now hold on right there," she stated, raising a hand. "I even told him that I wasn't trying to give him mixed signals with the way things went…not that they went far because they didn't…"
"I didn't doubt that for a moment," Maggie laughed. "But you know how men are, you can tell them you're not giving mixed signals all you want and they are still going to scramble that signal in the end."
"So what am I supposed to do? Because I can't stand this…and I don't want to worry about this every time we have a conversation that doesn't go the way he wants it…that is if we ever have a conversation again."
"You're going to have to lay down the law…make it very clear."
"I already did that!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, but this time you have to do it in a firm manner…and you know…don't get cozy with him on the couch ten minutes later."
"It wasn't ten minutes…it took him about two hours to work his way down to my end of the couch."
Maggie laughed. "Okay, then lay down the law firmly…and don't get cozy for at least forty-eight hours."
She laughed despite herself. "This so called coziness didn't even involve a kiss so let's not make it more than it was."
"Hey, you're the one that let him get in bed with you," her friend teased.
"I was asleep! He got in all on his own."
"Yes, and he wasn't chastened for it…because you didn't mind."
"No, I didn't mind…but I told him it wasn't going to happen again any time soon; that's when I brought up the topic of not wanting to give him mixed signals…and when you think about it, he's the one giving me mixed signals."
Maggie nodded. "I guess you could say that…which is why it's time for you to step away from the emotional side of you and tap into the well of anger…you always do your best work when you're angry."
Johanna scoffed. "Oh you think so?"
"Well honey that's how you got him to date you…you stopped crying, got mad and fought fire with fire. You're going to have to bite the bullet."
"Yeah, the last time you gave me that advice and I took it, I had three hellish weeks that included me having to date other men…and Maggie, I'm not up for that again. You know it's fine when you're twenty-five and have a tight black dress…but now I'm sixty and I've been fake dating my husband's best friend to fend off colleagues and I don't have a tight black dress anymore."
"Well hell we can fix that," Maggie remarked; "If you need one we'll go shopping and get you one; you're in great shape, it won't matter a bit that you're not twenty-five…bet Jim would talk to you then."
She laughed. "Maybe so but I think it would be a little much to wear to my mother-in-law's to make dinner."
"True, we'll save that for a special occasion….but I did hear that he was less than thrilled with your fake dates with Jeff."
"Oh yes…he's still the jealous type."
"See, some things never change."
"At least one thing…I'm not so sure about others. I've even tried calling him and he didn't answer…you'd think he'd answer to make sure nothing was wrong since I went beyond the text to the actual calling. I even drove to Elizabeth's after work hoping he'd be there since she was going out but he wasn't…that's why I called Jeff."
"Call him now and see if he answers."
"And say what!?" Johanna exclaimed.
"Whatever you were going to say when you called him before. Get the phone and call him…let's see if he answers and then take it from there."
"But I rehearsed before I called last time."
Maggie laughed. "You rehearsed?"
She laughed with her, raking back a lock of her hair. "Yeah…I know it's stupid but I felt like I needed a game plan…and who are you to judge, you and Jeff panic over Facebook messages."
Her friend laughed once more. "Let's face it, Jo; we suck at this dating thing at this stage of our lives…because that's what we're doing, you and Jim are married but you have to go through the dating scenario all over again…Jeff and I are divorced and we have date again…and we're out of practice…so out of practice. We thought we sucked at in our twenties…we're way worse at it now."
Johanna nodded. "You're right, we are…I mean I'm rehearsing phone calls and your making paint quality excuses to see a man."
Maggie took a sip of her wine. "God I hope it didn't come off as desperate as it sounds."
"I'm sure it didn't…he always wants to see you just as badly…we'll call it mutual desperation…I'd love to have mutual desperation. Instead, I have a husband who wants to avoid me because I didn't give him the answer he wanted."
"Call him."
"He's not going to answer."
"Try anyway, humor me."
Johanna picked her phone up from the table, hesitating for a moment before giving in and calling Jim's number. It rang three times before dumping to voice mail, stocking her ire as she listened to his message. "How long are we going to do this this time, Jim?" she asked angrily before ending the call.
"Voicemail?" her friend asked.
"Of course…and I'm not going to lie, it just makes me want to hunt him down and slap him upside his head for this stupid crap."
"See you need to tap into the anger," Maggie said, gesturing with her fork. "Get mad, lay down the law…stay off the couch with him."
"There's only one problem with that idea, Maggie."
"What's that?"
"I have to actually see him to lay down the law."
"Well if he isn't at your mother-in-law's the next time you go over there…when will that be?"
"Tomorrow since Andrew is going out of town."
"Good, the sooner the better. If he's not there…then you just set a trap for him and catch him unaware."
"And how do you suggest that I do that?"
Maggie shrugged. "I don't know…you're the one who's good at tripping people up…you know how to set a man up. It'll come to you."
Johanna pondered that for a moment. "What if it doesn't?"
"Then we'll find another way…we'll have Jeff lure him out…but that's plan B. You try and catch him first."
She nodded, swirling her drink around in her glass. "What if this is some cruel twist of fate from the universe…you know, that unhappy ending of a wish you wanted for so long and then it comes true but it turns out all wrong."
Her friend shook her head. "I refuse to believe that's an option…and I want you to refuse to believe it too."
"I don't want to believe it…and it would be a lot harder to not believe it if it wasn't for these games he likes to play."
"I know…that's why you have to break the trend, Jo. Go after him full force and let him have it…maybe that will remind him of who he's dealing with."
"We'll have to see if I get the chance to do that."
"You will," Maggie said confidently. "Because Johanna McKenzie always gets her man."
"It's Beckett."
"I know…but it was McKenzie the first time you won this battle…maybe you need to remember that."
"Maybe I do," Johanna said with a nod. "Maybe I do need to remember that I'm a McKenzie."
"Yes, remember it and get the job done; you can do it, I have faith in you."
"I'll get the job done," she remarked. "One way or another."
"I know you will," Maggie said confidently. "The sooner the better."
"Tomorrow," she stated. "I'll get it done tomorrow."
The next evening, Johanna braced herself as she pulled into her mother-in-law's driveway. Jim's car wasn't in the back but that didn't mean he wasn't there. He usually parked in front of the house and she hadn't bothered to check there, taking her shortcut to the back instead. She hoped he was there, she wanted to get this mess behind them. She hadn't wanted this or asked for it…and if he'd just listen to reason he'd know that but Jim was still ignoring her texts…making her feel desperate for sending yet another one today.
Desperate…that was the word Sharon had used to describe her at work that day. "You must be really desperate if you're seriously thinking of taking him back," Sharon had taunted all day, spewing her opinions of the situation and reminding her of all the mourning she had done…like she could really forget it. Johanna turned off the car and closed her eyes; maybe she was desperate…desperate to have her life put back together the way it should've been all along. Desperate to have her husband back in every way. She just wanted him, despite the pain and the lost time, she just wanted him and she couldn't help that. She just wasn't sure that he wanted her as much as she wanted him. Hopefully she was wrong. Hopefully he was inside waiting for her, ready to end this stalemate and get back on the track they had found at the cabin. Everything could be fine…she would apologize in person for unintentionally hurting him…and maybe he would apologize for ignoring her and they could hit the reset button. She didn't have to take the hardnosed approach that Maggie suggested. If he was there, she could do it gently for the sake of peace and another chance to get it right. If he wasn't there…well, that would be a different story completely and he wouldn't like it.
Johanna sighed a little, there wasn't any point in putting off the inevitable by sitting in the car. Sitting outside wouldn't tell her if Jim was there and Elizabeth would be waiting on her dinner. She pulled the key out of the ignition and gathered up her purse before opening the door and forcing herself out of the car and into the warm summer air. It was a beautiful evening despite her inner turmoil. She breathed deeply, taking in the scent of Elizabeth's roses and the lilacs that were in bloom. The warm breeze and the smell of the flowers soothed her a little as she made her way up to the porch and used her key to let herself in the backdoor. Johanna stepped into the kitchen, spotting Elizabeth at the kitchen table with a glass of iced tea and a magazine.
"What are you reading, Liz?" she asked as she hung her purse on the hook by the door.
"Good Housekeeping," Elizabeth answered. "I went ahead and pre-heated the oven for you…although I was starting to think that you weren't going to get out of the car."
"Don't be silly, I just wanted to finish listening to the song that was on the radio," Johanna lied as she went to the freezer and took out the pot pies that her mother-in-law wanted for dinner.
"How was work today?"
"A pain in the ass as usual," she replied, unease building within in her once more as they ignored the elephant in the room.
"They're still giving you a hard time?" Elizabeth asked.
Johanna nodded as she put the pot pies on the cookie sheet and slid it into the oven. "Of course…they've just switched from dating to my current situation."
Elizabeth frowned a little. "I'm sorry you have to put up with that."
"It's alright, just a couple of more months and I'm out of there," she said as she grabbed some potatoes to peel. "And once I walk out that door, there's no going back and no regret about it. I'm done…and I'm glad."
"I'm glad that you haven't changed your plans," Elizabeth remarked. "You're going to be better off without that place, Johanna; there's no need for you to regret the decision…you've given them enough."
"I feel the same way."
"I sat on the porch for awhile this afternoon," her mother-in-law stated. "It was nice out and it was a good spot to read for awhile."
"That's nice," she said, the awkwardness growing.
"The flowers are doing well."
Johanna put down the potato peeler and turned toward her, her stomach in knots. "Where's Jim, Liz? It didn't escape my notice that you didn't correct me when I only took two pot pies out of the freezer instead of three. Where is he?"
Elizabeth gave her a sympathetic look. "I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? How don't you know?" she asked, anger flooding her veins.
"Jimmy left early this afternoon; he said he had things to do."
"What things!?" she practically yelled. "He doesn't have a job here, he hasn't gone out of his way to reconnect with family and friends so what is it that he needs to do?"
"I don't know," Elizabeth said patiently. "He doesn't give details…I don't know if that's a habit left over from his time away or if he just doesn't have any to give and he just wanders around all day and night. He just seems to get restless and he leaves…tells me not to worry and that he'll be back."
"He's not restless…he just wants to keep avoiding me as usual," she snapped as fury built within her. "He wants to play his damn games like I'm a yo-yo he can swing back and forth when he feels like playing."
"Johanna…"
"Don't defend him, Liz…I know he's your son…but please don't…not now, not this time."
"I wasn't going to defend him. I've been telling him that he's being ridiculous about this episode at your office."
"Has he told you that I've been texting him, trying to make him understand? That I've called and he's ignored it?"
"No, he hasn't told me much about it but I do know you tried to call at least once because I saw him ignore that call. His phone was laying on the table and I could see your name on the screen so I knew it was you…I asked him why he did it and he just shrugged and said he didn't feel like talking about it, that he knew where he stood. He's got this burr up his ass about you not needing him because you wouldn't let him come in the office that day."
"I told him why! I've texted him twenty times telling him that I wasn't trying to hurt him; that I was just trying to keep things from getting worse."
"All he thinks about is that you chose Katie over him…and no, I don't blame you for that and I understand why you told him no."
"Yes, I chose Katie…our daughter…because that was a logical choice. It's not like I chose another man!"
"I know that. I even told him that it was better for Katie to handle things that day…but he's a man, Johanna; you know how they are."
"He's not being a man, he's being a coward!"
Elizabeth nodded. "It pains me to admit it but I know he is at the moment. I wish I knew what to do to help you but I don't know what to suggest this time. I can't get through to him…not that that surprises me, I rarely ever could. I don't like to see either one of you hurting…especially when it's over unnecessary nonsense. You weren't trying to hurt him deliberately or out of spite…but ignoring you is deliberate and I don't like that nor do I approve of it. I don't know what to do with him or how to get through to him."
Hurt and anger overtook the softer feelings she had had when she was sitting in the driveway. "Well I'll tell you one thing, Liz; your son if going to face me tonight whether he likes it or not."
"How are you going to manage that?" Elizabeth asked. "I don't know when he'll be back."
"Don't you worry about that," she said bitterly. "I'll manage it…you just watch and see."
Castle ignored the show they had turned on the TV to subtly watch Kate as she dumped the contents of her purse on her coffee table and sorted through it somewhat angrily. She wasn't herself today, easily annoyed, quick to anger…in fact he was surprised that she had asked him if he wanted to spend the evening at her place and order take out instead of going out. She was moody and he was choosing his words carefully…especially after she got uncharacteristically angry with the contents of her purse when she couldn't find the cash she had shoved into her bag earlier in the day. He had tried asking what was wrong but she had brushed it off, saying it was nothing…that she was just moody because her period was due soon and she apologized in advance for her mood swings. It was a flimsy explanation, Castle couldn't help but think; not that he thought she was lying, he had known her long enough to pick up on the pattern of her mood swings, felt that he had a good idea of which week of the month to tread more carefully and while it was true that week was approaching…it just seemed like it was something more. He stayed quiet for the moment, weighing his words carefully as he watched her shove crumpled up receipts and gum wrappers into a pile before giving her attention to the items she felt were in disarray.
She snatched up the money she had been missing and opened up her wallet, shoving it into its designated spot before reorganizing her credit cards and dealing with other items that had been shoved into various slots. She opened another section of her wallet, revealing a swatch of photo holders. The sight surprised him and he remarked upon it before he could stop himself. "I didn't have you pegged as a woman who carried photos in her wallet."
Kate had been lost in thought and flinched at the sound of his voice but recovered quickly. "Why would you think that?"
He smiled, shrugging a little as he joined her on the floor. "You know, that bad ass reputation of yours…you don't usually picture bad asses carrying photos in their wallets."
"Bad asses have sentimental sides too, Castle," she said quietly. "You know that."
"Maybe…but still surprising. Who are the people in this photo?" he asked, tapping a finger against it.
She gently brushed his finger away from the picture as if she feared he'd mar the image somehow. "My grandparents."
Castle studied the image for a moment. "Your mother's parents."
She looked at him in surprise. "How did you know that?"
"Your mom looks like her," he said, tapping the image of Naomi McKenzie. "Especially the nose…she's got her mom's nose…and so do you. Also your grandfather's hair color…it's the same color as your mother's."
"She is a pretty good blend of both of her parents, isn't she?" Kate asked.
"She is," he said with a nod.
"She doesn't like to acknowledge any resemblance to her father though."
"No?"
She shook her head. "No. Mentioning that is asking for trouble. In her mind she looks like her mother and only her mother…with the exception of eye and hair color."
"Why doesn't she want to acknowledge her father's contribution to her looks?"
"They uh…they had a rocky relationship through her childhood and into adulthood. She doesn't like to talk much about it; she prefers to remember him as being a good grandfather to me and she says that's all that matters to her was that he loved me."
"Were you close to them?"
Kate nodded. "Yes. Grandpa died when I was eight…Grandma when I was fourteen."
"I'm sorry," he murmured.
She gave his hand a quick soft squeeze and flipped to the next photo. "This is my other set of grandparents."
"This is the grandmother who is still with us?"
"Yes; Elizabeth. It's hard to believe but she used to hate my mother."
His brow rose. "Really? And now your mom takes care of her."
She smiled. "Yeah…she hated her, didn't want her marrying into her family…wore black to the wedding, had a fit, the whole nine yards…and now they get along just fine."
"Just goes to show that the universe has a sense of humor," he quipped. "Who's next in the line up?"
"You know her," she said, showing him the senior photo she had been given of Alexis.
He smiled. "Yes, I do know that one."
"And this one is my cousin Gabby."
"Cute kid…I can see a little bit of a resemblance between the two of you."
"She's a good kid."
"Who's the baby?" he asked with a nod at an infant's hospital picture.
"My cousin Greg's baby; she was born a few months ago. Her name is Alexandra but they call her Ally."
"You didn't mention having a new addition to your family."
"I've only seen her once not long after she was born," Kate replied. "Mom got on her give me grandchildren kick so I put the kid down and faked a call from work."
Castle laughed. "Really?"
She smiled a little. "Yeah…not that it stops her from occasionally mentioning it as you know."
"Mothers are like that."
"Mhmm; they do what they want."
"Oh believe me I know that," Castle remarked. "I can write a book about that."
"I don't think Martha would like that."
"Probably not. What picture is next?"
Kate hesitated and then flipped to the last photo, her heart aching as she did so. She didn't know why she hadn't removed the wallet sized photo of her and her parents at her high school graduation but she hadn't been able to bring herself to do it in the days since Jim Beckett had found his way home. She smoothed her thumb over the image; they were smiling…they had still been a happy family back then. Law school had been on her horizon…a dream of a mother/daughter law practice…her father's words in mind telling her that if she changed her mind about Stanford and wanted to transfer to somewhere closer to home that he wouldn't be mad about the cost, that all she had to do was say she wanted to come home and it would be taken care of without issue. That had been her greatest worry back then…that she wouldn't be able to handle being so far away from home despite how badly she wanted to go. She breathed deeply, focusing on her mother's image in the photo…she never smiled like that anymore; not that full, beaming Johanna Beckett smile that she had been known for…that her father had loved so much.
Her jaw clenched. She wondered if he still knew how to love…because she hadn't seen any evidence of it. All he was doing was playing stupid games with her mother, leading her on and then avoiding her…hurting her all over again each time and her mother kept going back for more because was desperate to have the life she used to have…and she didn't think she was ever going to get it.
"What are you thinking about?" Castle asked, pulling her from her thoughts.
"She's going to get hurt again," Kate murmured. "He's going to break her heart all over again…and I don't know if she'll be able to pick up the pieces this time. She barely glued them together the first time."
"Maybe it won't be that way…why come back at all if he only wanted to hurt her?"
"He's already hurting her Castle. In the short time he's been in this city, he ran out on her in a barroom after kissing her and avoided her for a week. Then he goes and crashes her vacation and she lets him in, forgives him for what he did…tells her colleagues that he's alive so they'll get off her back about the dating thing and that all went to hell and she had to call me to come to her office so she didn't end up committed…and he wanted to go too and she told him no so now he's ignoring her once again because he didn't get what he wanted. He's hurting her…he just keeps doing it and that's not who my father was."
Castle chose his words with care. "Maybe…maybe he just hasn't found his footing yet."
"Maybe he's just not the person she keeps hoping he is."
"But he is that person…he's your father…you got the test results, you said they confirmed his identity."
"Yeah, they confirmed it; so what?" she asked sharply. "He's Jim Beckett biologically but I haven't seen any evidence of him being the person we know because the man I knew wouldn't keep deliberately hurting my mother. He loved her; he'd do anything for her. This person…he just keeps dropping in and out of her life and she just stands there waiting for him to come back for another round because she just wants him…it's all she's wanted for thirteen years and she's going to let it go on until he breaks her completely and leaves again."
"If he didn't plan on staying, why come back at all? I'm not defending him but what's his motivation for coming home if all he wants is to keep hurting her…or you?"
"He came home thinking that we were just going to fall at his feet and pick up where we left off, pretend it never happened…and then he found out it wasn't going to be that way at all. He just thought it would be so simple…just like when we were getting the results he starts with his, let's just go have lunch…like that's going to make anything better!" she exclaimed. "Like a piece of paper and a lunch is going to somehow change things? He doesn't know what we've been through…what I've gone through, what Mom has been through…and he doesn't even ask, it's just listen to him…well I don't want to listen because I already heard it and I didn't like it the first time around," she said as her voice cracked.
Castle gave a slight nod as he rubbed a hand against her back. "I get that," he said quietly; "Maybe he was naïve to think it would be so easy…maybe he has been slightly selfish to only want to tell his side without asking for yours…but maybe you need to tell him that, Kate."
"I can't," she cried. "I just…I can't. He's standing there saying he's sorry and all I can think of is why didn't he come home as soon as an arrest was made? Why wait months? I don't care about the FBI's procedure, if I really wanted to be with my family I would run to them the second the danger was removed. Why wait? Did he have to think about it first? Decide if he really wanted to come back to this life? We don't even know who he is now and he's not inspiring much faith…at least not with me…and I wish Mom would just slow down and think about what the hell she's doing because he's going to break her heart. He's not who she remembers…he's not who I remember…and we're not what he remembers either. I don't care so much about me…I just don't want him to break her heart again because I can't see her be broken again."
Castle took her hand and gave it a soft squeeze. "I know you're worried about your mom and I don't blame you for that…but I think you're focusing only on her so you don't have to focus on you and how you're afraid that he'll hurt you again too."
"I'm not worried about me," she said with a shake of her head as she swiped at the tears on her cheek. "I don't give in as easily as she does."
"But some part of you probably wants to."
"No, I don't…he's not the same…he's not the person I knew…if I ever really knew him because all of this makes me wonder if I knew him at all."
"I think you did…you knew him and you love him…and I know you don't want to love him right now but you still do, Kate; it's okay that you do. He didn't abandon the two of you on a whim to go off and have some wild life or another family; he left to keep you safe…just like a loving husband and father would do if he felt he was a danger to the people he loves. I know somewhere inside you know that…but you're hurt and you're angry and that's okay too…but I don't think you believe it's okay…that's why you're concentrating so much on your mom and worrying about her getting hurt…because you're worried about getting hurt too, Kate."
"I'm not."
"You are…and it's only natural…but maybe you need to talk to him. Maybe you need to tell him about the things you've been through, the things your mom has been through. Maybe if you listen to him, he'll listen to you and you'll both feel better."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not ready," she cried. "I'm just not ready…and I told Mom that and she said I don't have to be ready yet."
He smiled as he pulled her into his arms. "I believe this is the first time you've pulled the 'because my mother said so' card."
"Well she did say so…and I'm not ready…so please don't push the issue."
"Alright," he said, pressing a kiss against her hair. "I won't push…but I do hope you'll consider it when you've had a little more time."
"I can't promise that," she sniffled. "But if he keeps hurting my mother he's going to hear from me in ways he won't like because I'm not going to stand for him hurting her all the time. I'm not going to do it…I won't let him destroy her again."
"Okay," he soothed. "If it looks like things are getting out of hand, I will go and stand behind you as you wage that battle…but hopefully they'll work things out and maybe if they do, you'll be able to talk to him and see if maybe he still is the father you knew and loved."
"I don't want to talk about it anymore tonight," Kate stated, her voice still clogged with tears.
"I think part of the problem is that you haven't really talked about it since you got the results of the DNA test."
"There wasn't much to say about it, Castle," she said as she pulled herself out of his arms and snapped her wallet shut. "The test was a match, he's who he says he is…end of story. I'm glad to know for sure…it's not like I wanted him to be dead, I never wanted that…but it doesn't just change things because the proof is there now. It doesn't just make it better."
"I know, but…"
"No buts!" she exclaimed. "I'm done with this topic."
"Okay," Castle said, taking the hint that he better back down. "That case is closed for tonight…why don't you put your purse back together and then we'll get back to watching the movie?"
She nodded, shoving her belongings back into her purse. The case was closed alright…and not just for tonight. Jim Beckett might've proved that he was indeed her father but she still didn't trust him, not with her heart…and definitely not with her mother's fragile heart. No, she didn't trust him at all and there was no sign of that changing at the moment.
Jim sighed deeply as he made his way through his mother's darkened house. It was nearly ten-thirty; he hadn't really meant to be gone so long but his mind had been full of doubts and trouble and he had wondered aimlessly until he found himself sitting in a bar nursing a glass of whiskey and mindlessly watching a game on the TV. He was sure his mother was already asleep…Johanna would've left over an hour before. His heart stung as he thought of his wife; her voicemail from the night before was still ringing in his ears, asking how long they were going to do this. He was blowing his chances; he knew that without a doubt…but he couldn't seem to help himself. She had rejected him when she needed help…so clearly she didn't need him like she used to…and if she didn't need him; what was the point in being there? Katie hated him. Johanna didn't need him. What did he have besides his mother?
He blew out a disgruntled breath as he passed the stairs and headed for the living room; maybe he'd watch TV downstairs for awhile…then he wouldn't think so much about the empty space beside him in bed…the fact that his wife was just minutes away and that he still couldn't have her.
"It's about time you came crawling in," a voice said from behind him as he clicked on the lamp.
Jim flinched as he turned around, seeing his wife on the sofa, anger flashing in her green eyes. "What are you doing here?" he asked; trying to shake off his surprise at seeing her but knowing he was failing miserably.
"Waiting for you…obviously," Johanna remarked, her tone cool and clipped.
"What, um, what are you doing sitting in the dark?" he asked, his tongue feeling tied from being caught off guard.
"I would think that would be obvious too…but maybe your brain isn't firing on all of its cylinders…you've had that problem before," she replied.
"Is something wrong with Mom?" he asked; although he knew deep down this had nothing to do with Elizabeth.
"She's fine."
"I didn't see your car outside," Jim stated, shifting a little on his feet as she continued to glare at him. He had forgotten how lethal her glare could be when she was riled…and there was no mistaking that she was riled; it was written all over her face and the rigid way she held herself as she remained on the sofa, her arms crossed and no hint of mercy in her demeanor.
"Oh I know," she said with a nod. "I figured if you saw it, you wouldn't come in. So after dinner I drove it home and walked back."
"I wish you wouldn't go walking around in the evenings by yourself; it isn't safe for a woman alone," he told her. "How many times have I had to tell you about that?"
"Don't even think of lecturing me," she hissed. "You lost your right to do that and so far you haven't done much to try to earn back the rights you had as my husband."
The remark chaffed him and his jaw tightened. "How are you going to get home? I don't care what rights you think I do or don't have; I'm not going to have you walking home in the dark just because you want to be funny."
"Oh I'm not being funny," Johanna retorted as her voice rose. "I knew I had to do it this way to catch you…because you're playing your little games again…being a coward just like I told you the last time. The last time you played this stupid game it took me getting drunk and texting you twenty times in a row for you to acknowledge me…well I don't feel like being hungover this week so we're doing it this way. As for how I'm getting home; well, you have a car…you're going to drive me."
"Is that right?" he said sharply. "You say I have no rights as a husband right now but you're going to tell me that I'm driving you home?"
She nodded. "That's right…you're either driving me or you're giving me the keys to your car and I'll drive myself. Since I have to take these measures to make you talk to me, you can be responsible for getting me home. So you either drive me or I'll drive your car and it will be parked outside my house for you to walk over and get in the morning. They keys will be in the mailbox."
"I'm not giving you my car."
"Then I guess you're going to drive me when I'm done here!" she exclaimed. "Believe me, I'm not walking back; your car is taking me home, either with me driving it or you; make up your mind by the time we're done here."
He sighed a little. "Maybe you shouldn't be so loud. You'll wake Mom."
Johanna scoffed. "Oh like she's really asleep when she knows I'm sitting down here waiting for you to sneak in the door."
"She's got you there," Elizabeth called from the top of the stairs.
Jim grimaced a little; just what he needed, an audience. "Mom, can you go back to bed and leave us alone?" he called back.
"No," Elizabeth answered. "Every time I leave you alone with her you blow it. I don't know what the hell your problem is but you better get it together…and you are driving her home!"
"We'll worry about that later; now if you don't mind, I think this is between my wife and I."
"Oh, are you still claiming me as your wife?" Johanna asked; "Because it doesn't seem like you're interested in me being your wife when you keep playing this avoidance game."
"I haven't avoided you."
"Oh no? What do you call it?"
He scoffed; anger flickering in his veins. "Staying out of the way so I don't make your life worse…I mean isn't that what you said when I texted you that I was outside your office…and you told me not to come in because I'd make it worse. Well I don't want to make your life worse and it seems like that's all I've been doing."
"When did I ever say you were making my life worse?" she asked; her tone sharp. "I know you're mad that I wouldn't let you come into the office the day I told them you were alive but I did what I thought was best at the time. They were all giving their two cents and Katie was there and I just didn't need it to be bigger than it was. I didn't do it to hurt you, Jim. I even texted you several times and told you that but you ignored those messages, you ignored my calls. You ignored me…a goddamn day after we clear up the last time you did this."
"Yeah, I did ignore your messages," he admitted; "Because it did hurt me, Johanna! How can you think it wouldn't? How was I supposed to feel when you pick someone else over me?"
"I know it hurt you…but I hoped that if you knew that it wasn't my intent, that I wasn't doing it out of some sort of spite, that you'd be able to understand…like you used to understand me. I didn't think you'd run out on me yet again…I thought we just got over that and here we go again…and all I can think of is how many times are you going to run out on me, Jim?"
"Well what do you expect me to do, Johanna!" he yelled. "You made it clear that you didn't need me; you chose Katie over me. What else was I supposed to do besides leave and stay out of your way?"
"I chose her because I knew they would listen to her," Johanna said angrily. "I chose her because it was less divisive than calling you. Having you there at that moment would've just drawn more attention to what was going on in my office…and believe me, there was enough going on. I didn't want to hurt you; I had hoped that you would answer the damn messages so we could talk about it; that's what I expected of you but no, you had to run…apparently that's all you're good at lately," she said as she surged to her feet. "You tell me you want me to give you a chance, that you want me back; well every time I give you an inch, you run a mile away…and I'm telling you right now, I am not playing this game with you all the time, Jim. I'm too old to play games; we played our games in our twenties, I'm done with games. So you need to figure this out; you're either in this or you're out…make up your mind once and for all."
"What do you mean by that?" he asked.
"You know what I mean," Johanna retorted. "If you really want to be with me like you keep claiming, then you better start showing it. Quit running out on me. You're either in this relationship, meeting me half way to make it work or you're out…I'm not chasing you. I chased you when I was twenty-five; I caught you and I'm done with that game."
"I thought we chased each other," he remarked.
She scoffed. "Only one of us was wanted to be caught willingly…and apparently it's still the same way. Well I'm not chasing anymore. You figure out what the hell you want; like I said, you're in this and willing to do the work or you're not; it's that simple"
"I'm not the one who rejected me," Jim stated.
"I didn't reject you!" she yelled. "All I did was ask you not to come in…and since when have you ever listened to me anyway?! If you really wanted to come in, you would've came in anyway and dealt with the consequences like always."
"Maybe I don't feel like I can do that now," he yelled back. "I don't know where I stand with you. I don't know what to say or do…you want time, you don't want to be touched, then you're fine with being touched, you don't answer messages, then you send a ton of messages. You can't make up your mind either, Johanna; so why don't you practice what you preach!"
"When you showed up at the cabin, did I throw you out?" she asked angrily.
Jim paced the floor, his jaw tight with tension as he ignored the question. "Answer me!" she yelled. "Did I throw you out?"
"No!"
"Did I or did I not tell you that you could spend the night there?"
"You did," he said angrily.
"And when you got in bed with me while I was asleep, did I get angry with you in the morning?"
"No."
"Did I or did I not go on a walk with you the next day?"
"You did…you wouldn't let me kiss you before I left though."
"No, I didn't…and I told you why," Johanna retorted; "Because the last time I let you kiss me, I didn't see you for a week. Do you think about what your little avoidance games do to me? That after thirteen years of thinking you were dead and then have you back for a few days and then you disappear again…then you come back…then you're gone again. Do you think that doesn't affect me? Do you think that doesn't bring back trauma and anguish?" she cried. "Do you think about that at all? About what you do to me every time you play this game? Why do you think I was having nightmares at the cabin? Because my brain can't fully reconcile what the hell is going on here when you keep popping in and out like some extra in a movie. I can't even concentrate on my damn job because I don't know what to think or what to do…and how long it's going to be before you just disappear permanently again because you're not getting your way fast enough. I can't handle all of this back and forth, Jim. I need stability in my life…that's one thing I had to relearn in the past thirteen years…I need stability or I drown so you're either in or you're out…because I can't handle this constant state of chaos. It's not good for me…I've learned that the hard way."
"I'm not the only one creating the chaos," he retorted. "Maybe if you'd just relax and quit worrying about what your so called friends will think or worrying about what Katie will think if you just give in to what you want, things would be easier! Do you think you're not helping to make this hard? Because you do with all your damn rules."
"What rules!" she yelled. "I said we had to go slow and start over in some ways…that's not a rule, it's a fact and you said you wanted to do that but the second I said no in that text, you turned tail and ran…and that's not the man I know…and it's not a very attractive trait, Jim…but maybe now I know where Katie gets it from. It's a part of you I didn't know…and now I do. I think maybe you don't know what you really want…you came back here expecting us to just pick up where we left off that morning thirteen years ago and then you found out it wasn't going to be that way. Now you're not sure if you want to give the effort or not…well I've told you that I'm willing to do my share…you said you were willing to do yours and the first time you don't get your way you run from me again. So you need to figure this out, Jim. I need you to figure it out. The other night when I stayed with Katie; I laid out for her my intentions to have my life back…a life that includes you being there the way you were always supposed to be and she keeps telling me I'm going to get hurt again…and when you play these games, I start to wonder if she's right and if I'm just a fool for thinking that I'm really getting a second chance….that maybe I don't know you anymore because my husband wouldn't keep doing this to me, knowing that every time he does he hurts me a little more."
"I told you that I want to be with you!" Jim yelled back.
"Then start acting like it! You never did this avoidance crap before…you used to not care if I was mad at you or if I wanted you to do something; you always used to just do what you wanted or push into my space…fight with me…whatever it took to make sure I didn't get the door slammed shut…so how can I not wonder what your true intentions are? Things felt some better between us when you left the cabin and now it's like all of that is undone."
"You say all that like it was a lot to being with," he remarked as he paced away from her in anger.
"It was a lot to me…and I thought it meant something to you."
"It did until you showed me that you don't really need me."
"Don't be an ass!" she yelled. "I never said I didn't need you nor did I show it. All I did was make a decision about what was best in that moment. It doesn't mean that I don't need you and somewhere in your thick skull you have to know that but you're so busy brooding over things not being the way you planned that you can't see beyond it. Well you better start looking…because I'm serious; you need to figure out if you're in this with me or not. You have until tomorrow to figure it out."
"Tomorrow?" he repeated.
"Yes; tomorrow. I'll be back here tomorrow evening because Andrew is going to be out of town. If you're not here when I walk through the door…then I'll know you're not really serious about us…I'll know where you stand."
"Johanna," he sighed.
"No," she said, her voice cracking. "I can't keep doing this, Jim. I want nothing more than for us to fix things…but I'm not sure you do. I need you to figure it out. I'm not saying we won't have disagreements and fights along the way; we wouldn't be us if we didn't. I'm not saying that we're not going to get frustrated with each other; we always have. I might not move at the pace you like…you might get a little pushy at the wrong moment but I'm not going to run out on you and avoid you…and if you're staying in this, then I want the same courtesy. You have until tomorrow evening to make up your mind…now drive me home because I'm done here. You know where I stand, you have a decision to make. Now let's go."
"Jo," he said, anguish in his tone. "Can we not have ultimatums?"
"We could've done without one if you hadn't been avoiding me and not answering my messages," she remarked; "You did do those things though, so, yes, we have to have an ultimatum. You want me to figure things out in a split second…well at least I'm giving you a day to figure out your business. I want to go home now," she said as she grabbed her phone and purse from the stand. "Are you driving me or giving me your car?"
"I don't know what you want me to do when you won't let me do anything," Jim stated.
"I want you to either drive me home or hand over your car keys," she replied; her tone becoming sharp once more as she choked back her emotions.
"You should remember that she has a gun in her purse," Elizabeth called out from upstairs.
"Mom!" he yelled in exasperation.
"Well she does! Now drive her home or you're going to have to listen to me yell next!"
"Go to bed, Mom," he called back before glancing to his wife. "Do you really have this gun that everyone likes to bring up?"
Johanna unzipped her purse and reached inside, pulling out the gun. "It looks like a gun to me; what's it look like to you?"
"Put that away!" he exclaimed. "Is that thing loaded!?"
"Of course it's loaded," she retorted as she shoved it back into her purse. "Wouldn't be much point in having it if it wasn't…now are you driving me or not?"
Jim stared at her for a long moment; longing coursing through him. "If I drive you…do I get to come in with you for a few minutes?"
"No; you're not coming in."
"Why not?"
"Because I said so…I let you in at the cabin and look how that ended up within the span of a day. See what I mean? Every time I trust you…every time I give you an inch, you run…so no, you're not coming in. We're not sitting on the couch together and watching TV. You're not getting in bed with me. Now are you driving or am I? I have to work tomorrow so I need to get home and get ready for bed."
Jim stared at her for a long moment. "What is this, a test?"
She looked at him oddly. "What the hell do you mean a test? I want to go home, that's what it is."
"Yeah, but it feels like a test…what is it going to mean if I hand you the keys and say drive yourself?"
"It's going to mean that you don't want to drive me home," she stated. "What do you think it means?"
"I think you'd take it as rejection."
"No, I take avoidance and ignored calls as rejection…try to keep up, Jim."
"I didn't reject you…you've been rejecting me since I got here."
"Oh my God, I'm going to have to slap you!" she exclaimed. "If I was rejecting you, would I be fighting with you over your lack of communication? Would I give a damn at all about you ignoring me if I was rejecting you? What the hell is wrong with you?"
That was a question he kept asking himself, Jim thought as he studied her. Why did he keep blowing this? Why was he determined to ruin everything he had wanted for so long? He didn't know the answers…didn't know what to say or do…didn't feel like he belonged half the time…like he no longer really existed here after all of this time. She was all he wanted and yet he was sabotaging himself every step of the way by taking every move she made as a way to get even for the hurt he had caused her.
His silence and indecision aggravated her further as Johanna worried her bottom lip before she allowed herself to storm in the direction of the door. She'd just walk home since he couldn't make up his mind about anything. He didn't want her driving his car and apparently he didn't want to give her a ride that would total five minutes. That was fine, she was getting the picture here.
"Where are you going?" Jim asked as he followed after her.
"Home," she said angrily. "Don't worry, I'll walk, I don't want to put you out with a five minute drive and I wouldn't dream of touching your car since you already made it clear that you weren't going to let me use it."
"You can't walk home in the dark!" he exclaimed as she jerked the door open.
"I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself," she retorted. "I don't need anyone to take care of me…not you, not Katie, not the people I work with. I take care of myself…just like I did before you…and after you. I'll be just fine," she said, her voice betraying her and cracking as she stepped out on the porch, allowing the screen door to slam shut behind her.
"Johanna, wait!" he called after her, pulling the front door shut behind him as he chased her down the porch steps.
She ignored him, bounding down the sidewalk with tears of frustration laying in her eyes. What a damn fool she was…for once Katie deserved the right to gloat…and she made up her mind not to take that glory from her daughter. She would let her know that she had been right…that her mother was indeed a fool.
"Johanna, stop," Jim said sharply as he caught up to her, reaching out and grabbing hold of her elbow.
"Let me go," she said as she tried to wrestle her arm from his grip.
"No; I'm not letting you walk home in the dark," he replied firmly, steering her back toward the house. "My car is out back."
"I'll be fine; you don't need to bother."
"It's not a bother," he said gruffly, keeping hold of her because he was sure she would bolt if he let her go before they made their way around the house.
"Can you let me go?"
"Not until you're in the car," Jim stated, pulling his keys from his pocket as he dragged her with him to the passenger side of the car. He unlocked the door and pulled it open for her. "Get in."
Every part of her was screaming at her not to but she got in anyway…she didn't really want to walk home in the dark. It hadn't bothered her in seventies but in today's world it did.
Jim shut the door and rounded the car to the driver's side and got in; putting the key in the ignition without a word. The air was thick with tension as he backed out of the driveway, a heavy silence lingering over them as they made their way through the darkened streets of the neighborhood. He wanted to say something but he couldn't find the right words to break the quietness as he glanced at her in the passenger seat; her gaze on the window but he knew she wasn't observing the neighborhood. She was lost in thought, her hand curled tightly around the strap of her purse as it rested on her lap.
He breathed deeply, his chest feeling tight as they neared their home…or rather her home at the moment since he hadn't been welcomed back to it. He pulled up in front of the house, his gaze drinking in the sight despite the shadows of night. The one thing he hadn't allowed himself to do since being back was drive by the house…because he knew it would be too hard to see it and know he wasn't welcome to cross the threshold. His heart ached, longing filling him for his home, for his wife…for his life. He just wanted to come home…wanted to lay down beside his wife, hold her close, breath in her scent as he fell asleep; wake up feeling whole…feeling like himself again. He had a taste of that at the cabin and then he had gone and blew the small amount of progress she had allowed him to make.
Johanna shifted in the passenger seat; her reverie finally broken as she realized that the car had stopped. She wasn't confident that she had gotten through to him, only time would tell and she had a feeling it wouldn't be the response she hoped for. She felt weary…and wished that she hadn't been lost in thought so that she could've told him to drop her off at the back door since she always left the kitchen light on. It wasn't a big deal though, she could go in the front door, she was sure everything was fine. With that thought in mind, she unbuckled her seatbelt and picked up her purse just as Jim's hand landed on her thigh.
"I'm going to get this right," he said, giving her thigh a soft squeeze.
"That's what you keep telling me," she murmured.
"I mean it…I'll get it right."
"I guess only time will tell about that."
"I love you," Jim said quietly.
"You've been making it a little hard to believe," Johanna admitted.
He nodded. "I know…but I do love you."
"Make me believe it again," she whispered. "I don't like to have doubts about something that I was always so certain about."
"Don't ever doubt it," he murmured. "I've always loved you…from day one you were all there was for me. A few mistakes don't change that, Johanna…you know that."
"In the past, yes, I know it…but this is now…and there's a lot of lost time between us and you can't blame me for having moments of wondering if you run from me because you realize that maybe I'm not what you want anymore."
Jim shook his head, his hand tightening on her leg. "That's not true. You're everything I want just like always. I don't care about how much time it's been…it's always been you, sweetheart; and it always will be."
"Then you're going to have to start showing it like I told you before."
"I'm going to prove it to you."
"I guess we'll find out if that's true tomorrow," Johanna replied as she reached for the door handle.
"Can I walk you to the door?" he asked.
She hesitated for a moment. "You can drive me around back."
His jaw tightened. "What, you don't want the neighbors to see you getting out of my car?"
Johanna rolled her eyes and sighed in disgust. "Don't be ridiculous. I just always go in the back door when I come home from Elizabeth's. The porch light is on back there and I leave the kitchen light on too, that way I'm not walking into a dark room after being out all evening."
He gave a nod and put the car in drive. "That makes sense…I'm sorry."
"It's alright," she said softly as he pulled away from the curb. "I can't expect you to know my habits in this regard. I just don't like walking into a dark house anymore; not since…"
His stomach clenched. "Not since what?"
"Since you've been gone," she said, her voice so low it was practically a whisper. "It's like someone flipped a switch and I didn't feel safe anymore. I would've never thought I'd be a person who carried a gun…but I got one…because I was afraid. If it happened to you, it could happen to me…and I couldn't leave Katie alone so I had to get one so I'd have a chance if it ever came down to it. I never thought I'd overthink what lurks in the shadows, but I started to…so I leave a light on because not having it on gives me anxiety. I don't run outside by myself…if Katie can't go, I run on the treadmill. I started taking more precautions than I ever did before…because I never felt completely safe again."
His hands tightened on the steering wheel; another repercussion of his absence that he hadn't thought of in his time away…that his wife would live in fear…that she'd worry that the same thing could happen to her. It made him sick to his stomach and he didn't know what to say as he pulled into the driveway; or rather he couldn't find the adequate words to express how sorry he was that he had brought everything down upon them. "I'm sorry, Jo," he said quietly. "I know it's not enough…nothing will ever be enough…but I'm sorry…and promise I'll make you feel safe again."
"I'm not blaming you for my hang-ups…I blame the person who caused all of it and that wasn't you."
"Isn't it? As Katie reminded me the other day…all of this over a promotion I didn't need."
"Yeah, well…I wish I could say that's an original thought of Katie's but she has this mother who through the years has had bitter moments when she's uttered those words aloud for her to hear."
"I know you've said them…you said it to me too…and you're both right," Jim replied. "I didn't need that promotion…and if I could go back and do it over…"
"I know," she interrupted before he could finish the thought. "But there's no use on dwelling on that thought; what's done is done…we just have to move on from it…in whatever way you decide come tomorrow."
"Jo…"
"Tomorrow, Jim. You have until tomorrow. If you're not at your mother's when I get there…I'm going to take that as your answer, you know that."
"I'm going to be there," he stated firmly.
"Think about it tonight…make sure whichever choice you make is the one you really want," Johanna told him as she reached for the door handle once more. "Because I'm not going to keep playing games."
"I know what I want," he said as he opened his door as well.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm walking you to the door."
"You don't have to do that; I'll be fine…the lights are on back here."
"I know they are…but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to make sure you're safely inside…just like I've always done from the first time I took you home."
"I can't let you come in this time," she whispered.
"You can if you want to."
Johanna shook her head. "I can't."
"Tell me why," he gently demanded.
"Because you won't take anything I said seriously if I let you in."
"Says who?"
"Maggie," she said without thought, hating herself as her friend's name rolled off her tongue.
"Maggie! What the hell does Maggie have to do with it?"
"She made a good point while giving friendly advice."
"And what point would that be?"
"That if I lay down the law and then let you get cozy on the couch with me, you'll think you can keep toying with me and that's not how it's going to be, Jim. It's not going to be that way…so I can't let you come in…and I know that it hurts you and I hate that…but I'm not ready to let you walk through the door. So if you want to stay in the car so it doesn't make it harder for you, I understand. I'll be fine."
"I can't lie and say it isn't hard to be sitting in our driveway knowing I can't come in our home," he remarked; "But I respect your wishes. I can't lie and say it won't be hard to walk you to the door and know I can't come in…to leave you here without me…but I'm going to do it anyway."
"Why?"
"Because I love you…because I want you to feel safe. I want to know you're safe. So I'm walking you to the door…because I'm sure Maggie didn't say anything about that, did she?"
Johanna shook her head. "No…she just said stay off the couch."
He smiled a little. "That explains why you brought up no watching tv on the couch."
"She was just trying to help me."
"I didn't know you told her."
"I didn't…Jeff did…he said I needed a woman to confide in."
"Was he right?"
She nodded. "Apparently so."
"Does that mean you'll start going to lunch with her instead of Jeff? Because I'd prefer you to go with Maggie."
"I don't think you have to worry about me going to lunch with other men now that my co-workers know about you, Jim," she said as she got out of the car.
"I don't want to leave it to chance," he stated as he followed suit, joining her at the front of the car.
"If I want to have lunch with a friend, I will."
"That's fine…as long as it's Maggie."
"Jim," she sighed.
"We'll discuss it later," he remarked; "I know you're tired."
Johanna said nothing, merely began the trek to the porch. His hand curled around hers but she gently pulled it away.
"Are we back to the no touching thing?" Jim asked with a sigh.
"It's not that."
"You're too mad for hand holding?"
"You got it," she remarked.
"Okay…maybe next time."
She scoffed. "I'm going to be honest, Jim; you've already burned me twice so I'm a little skeptical about their being next times."
"I told you I'm going to be there tomorrow," he said firmly. "I heard what you said and I took it seriously."
"You told me that at the cabin too and twenty-four hours later it was shot to hell…I don't like having to doubt you. I don't like having to be skeptical…but I am, Jim. I thought things were going to be better after the time we spent together at the cabin…and maybe it's my fault that it's not because I picked the wrong day to crack and let it slip to Sharon which got this ball rolling…but you didn't have to avoid me…that's on you…but like I said, you have a choice to make…and if avoidance is that choice then we're going to make it a permanent avoidance."
Jim shook his head as they climbed the porch steps to the door. "I'm not going to let that happen."
"I guess we'll see about that," Johanna said as she fished her keys from her purse.
He wanted so badly to take the keys from her hand and unlock the door like he'd done hundreds of times before but he knew better than to try. It hurt to be so close…to see how easy it would be to walk through the door and be home as she turned the lock and pushed the door open. He couldn't though; she wasn't ready…she was angry and hurt and he kept obliterating her trust in him. He couldn't push…or plead. He had to play by the rules but it didn't stop him from hungrily drinking in the sight of the kitchen through the door as she opened it.
"Thanks for the ride," Johanna told him, awkwardness washing over her, longing following suit.
"You're welcome," he murmured, his gaze flicking back to her face. "I guess I can't kiss you goodnight?"
She shook her head. "Not this time."
Jim sighed a little. "What can I get? And don't say a bullet, I don't want to see the gun again."
Johanna smirked at him a little. "You get nothing tonight, funny man. Go home and think about the decision you have to make."
"I already made it."
"Yeah, I know you claim that but you're fickle sometimes so think about it a little more," she said as she stepped through the door. "Goodnight."
She was still close enough to touch so he acted quickly, gently cupping her cheek as he leaned close and pressed a kiss against her forehead. "Sweet dreams, sweetheart."
She swallowed hard, anguish filling her as her resolve wobbled, making her wish she could just let him in…take a blind leap of faith that he wouldn't run out on her again but she knew she couldn't…not yet anyway. She wanted to bury herself in his arms for a moment but she knew that doing so would only make her crumble; the tears she had been holding at bay would burst through the dam and he'd know she still weak when it came to him.
"It's alright, Jo," he said quietly as if he was reading her mind. "It's not your fault…it's mine. You let me in once and I blew it and now you don't trust me. I get it…and I'll make it better. Go in and close the door…lock up for the night and go get some rest. You have to work tomorrow."
She breathed deeply, her eyes opening and her gaze meeting his. He gave her a small smile, hoping to soften the pain they were both feeling. "Go on; I'm not getting off your porch until I hear that lock turn."
Johanna nodded, not trusting herself to speak; fearful that she'd give in when she shouldn't. Slowly she took a step back, closing the door like he had told her to do and then she turned the lock; staying near the door, listening to the sound of his footsteps as he turned and made his way back down the porch steps. She breathed deeply, hoping she was doing the right thing…but lately she wasn't sure that she was doing anything right in any sector of her life. She knew she wouldn't sleep much that night, worrying that things would turn out the way she feared…praying he wouldn't let her down for a third time.