A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 23
Johanna's stomach was in knots as she stepped through the back door of her mother-in-law's home. She hadn't allowed herself to look for Jim's car out front, choosing instead to take the shortcut to the back of the house. She didn't want to know his decision until she absolutely had to. She had prayed all day that he wouldn't let her down again…surely he wouldn't…would he? Johanna sat her purse down on the table and went off to find Elizabeth as she wasn't in the kitchen as she had expected her to be.
She made her way to the living room, a sense of dread filling her at the quietness of the house. It was a feeling she hated, one that felt like it was sealing her fate and yet she did her best to brush it aside, wanting to cling to hope that everything would be fine. Elizabeth met her eye as she stepped across the threshold, a sympathetic look on her face, causing her to pause before she moved further into the room. Jim was nowhere to be seen and she felt her heart squeeze.
"Where's Jim?" Johanna asked; her voice strained.
Elizabeth held her gaze. "He said he'd be here in time."
Her jaw tightened. "But he's not, is he?"
The older woman released a heavy breath. "No…I was hoping maybe he had texted you and said he'd be delayed."
Johanna shook her head. "No, I haven't talked to him since last night…when I told him if he wasn't here, I'd take that as his answer about our relationship."
"He swore to me that he'd be here," Elizabeth replied. "I don't know why he had to go out but he swore to me he'd be here."
"Well he's not!" she said angrily. "And I am done with these stupid games. I'm not going to chase him. I told him…I told him that he better be here or I was done. I guess now I know how he wants it and that's fine…I've spent thirteen years without him…I can keep going without him."
"Johanna," Elizabeth began to say.
"No! He's made it clear…it's fine. It doesn't change anything between me and you. I'll go get dinner started," she said, needing to flee before her heart shattered completely.
Elizabeth felt helpless as she watched her go and she couldn't help but feel angry at her son for hurting his wife once again. Why couldn't he just stay home for once? All he did was leave every day; to do what, she didn't know. He never gave details; just told her he'd be back. It didn't make sense to her why a man who had been away for so long would go and wander the city every day instead of getting reacquainted with his family and friends…making better effort with his wife. But no, he had to go running around like a damn gypsy…leaving more hurt in his wake.
Elizabeth blew out a breath; there was only one thing to do…shield Johanna from more hurt as best as she could…and read her son the riot act whenever he did show his face again.
Johanna went through the motions of setting table for two, her heart stinging as she looked at the empty space where she should've been putting another plate for Jim. She bit the inside of her cheek…it shouldn't hurt so much; she should be used to those vacant spaces…but she had so badly wanted to fill them again. Wanted to be his again…to have back her life.
Damn him. Why did he do this to her?
Why did he have to break her all over again? What had she done to deserve this special kind of hell that she kept finding herself in…even when she had thought the ride was over.
Tears welled in her eyes and she hurried back to the kitchen so that she wouldn't risk Elizabeth seeing her if she drifted into the dining room. Johanna curled her hands around the edge of the sink and allowed the tears to fall quietly. How would she ever get over this? She had barely made it through the first time she had lost him…how was she going to get through this? How did you get over having a dream come true turn into a nightmare of rejection? She didn't know how she'd do it…and she wasn't looking forward to facing Katie and telling her that she had been right all along.
A shuddering breath wracked her slender frame and she had to clamp her lips together to keep a sob from bursting free. She had been a fool…a damn fool.
Jim sprinted up the walk of his mother's home, checking his watch for the hundredth time; 5:40…he was late…forty damn minutes late. Johanna was going to kill him and he'd only have himself to blame. He hurriedly unlocked the front door and pushed through it, meeting his mother's eye as she stepped into the entry way.
"Where the hell have you been, James Robert?" Elizabeth seethed; her tone low and angry.
There was the look and voice of his teenage years, Jim couldn't help but think and he forced himself not to react to it as he always had as a teenager. "I got caught in traffic."
"Traffic from where? Where did you go, Jimmy?" she demanded to know.
"I ended up in Coney Island," he answered with a sigh.
"And what was so important that you had to go there today instead of staying home so you wouldn't have to worry about being on time?"
"Nothing…" he began to say.
"Then what was the point in going?" Elizabeth interrupted. "Why do you always have to run out of here every day?"
Jim sighed deeply; he didn't have time for this. "Where's Johanna?"
"Answer my question," his mother demanded.
"Mom, I don't have time for this."
"If you were worried about time you wouldn't have been out galivanting around like you had all the time in the world. Now answer my question," Elizabeth demanded.
Jim raked a hand through his hair. "Because I get bored…because I need to think…because I just have to do something sometimes."
Elizabeth looked stricken. "I'm sorry for boring you, Jimmy."
"I didn't mean it like that…"
"Yes, you did…well it takes two people to carry on conversations and show interest and let's face it, Jimmy; you don't exactly hold up your end of things! Maybe if you spent some time and effort getting to know people again you wouldn't be bored. If it's so terrible to live with me maybe you ought to go back to the hotel or find your own place."
Jim shook his head. "Mom, I didn't mean it as anything against you and I don't want to leave…if I can't be in my own home, I want to be here…unless you're throwing me out."
"I'm not throwing you out…yet," she said angrily; "But at the rate you're going, I don't know how long I'll be keeping that promise.
Frustration tightened his jaw; his daughter hated him, his marriage was going down the drain with every moment he had to have this conversation and his mother was angry with him. He was doing this homecoming thing so well. "Where's my wife?" he demanded to know; his voice tight with tension.
Elizabeth eyed him. "My daughter-in-law is in the kitchen pretending that her heart isn't broken…so it remains to be seen if she's still your wife since you're nearly forty-five minutes past your deadline."
"She is my wife and always will be," he said sharply before hurrying away from her.
His steps slowed as he approached the kitchen door; what if he had blown this? He wouldn't be able to forgive himself…he'd hate himself even more than he did at the current moment and he hadn't even thought that was possible. Jim forced his feet forward, pushing through the kitchen door. He spotted Johanna at the counter; her head lowered but her attention didn't appear to be on the casserole dish in front of her.
"Jo?" Jim said softly.
His voice startled her and she whipped around to face him, the newest batch of tears she had shed still on her cheeks.
"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I tried to get here on time, I swear I did. I got caught in traffic…I'm sorry."
She scoffed a little. "You could've called," she remarked as she swiped at her cheeks, irritation and hopefulness at war within her.
"I was too busy panicking at the time to think of that," he admitted while mentally slapping himself. "I wanted to be here on time…honestly I did. You have to believe me."
"Do I?"
He nodded. "Yes…because it's the truth, Jo. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you more than I already have."
"Where were you?"
He sighed a little; what were the odds that his answer would go over with her better than it had with his mother? "Does it matter?"
Johanna eyed him. "Maybe it does. Maybe I want to know what kept you besides traffic."
"Surely you're not thinking it was another woman."
"How should I know what you're out doing?" she replied. "It's not like you tell anyone."
"I went to Coney Island," he answered; tension in his voice once again.
"For what?"
"To think…sometimes I can't think here," he admitted. "It's just easier sometimes to go somewhere else and think. I just intended to drive around but I ended up there without thought. It wasn't deliberate. I wasn't meeting anyone there. I wasn't there for any nefarious reason. I was there to think. You always liked to run to clear your head…I tend to drive."
"What were you out there thinking about?" Johanna asked.
"Same thing I think about everyday…you," he answered as he moved closer to her. "It's always you."
"Is it?" she asked, emotion surging back to the surface…a part of her wondering if she should trust his word again.
Jim nodded. "You know it is."
"Sometimes I'm not sure…and when I am…then you go and make me wonder all over again if I really know you," she murmured. "I don't like that feeling, Jim. I hate when you make me feel like you're someone that I don't know.
"You do know me…deep down, you know you do, sweetheart."
Her eyes closed at the sound of that endearment…the one that had always meant so much to her and it soothed some of the anger that had been simmering inside of her as she had gone through the motions of preparing dinner.
"I've been thinking a lot since last night after we talked," Jim remarked. "I don't want you to feel like I'm some stranger that you don't know…because you do know me. I don't want to keep hurting you because of my stupid pride. You've been hurt enough…we both have. I don't want it to be this way between us, Jo."
"Meaning what?"
"Meaning that I started making the effort at the cabin and then I let you down…and I don't want to keep letting you down. You said we had to start over in some ways…and you're right, we do…and I'm ready to give you my full effort for that. We'll start over…we'll go slow…we'll get it right this time…if you're still willing."
"I've been willing this whole time," she answered. "You're the one who keeps running out on me."
Jim took the risk and stepped into her space, reaching out and brushing away her tears before cupping her cheek. "I know…I've been stupid…and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to see you. I want to talk to you. I want to be with you, Jo. I don't want it to be like this…I want us to get back where we need to be because I just want to be with you. That's why I came home as soon as I could because being with you is all I've ever wanted. I know I screwed up today; I wasn't here when I should've been and I'm sorry…but I'm here now…and I'm asking you to give me another chance. I'm serious about wanting to be with you…about doing this right. Please, Jo…say you'll give me another chance. I promise I won't let you down."
Her brain was screaming warnings at her, telling her that every chance she had given him so far had been met with hurt and disappointment but the cry of her heart was louder, begging her to give in. She wanted him…she needed him…she loved him and he had shown up, late, but he was there and that was all that mattered. Slowly she nodded. "I'll give you another chance," she said softly.
Jim smiled, his thumb rubbing against her cheek softly. "I won't let you down."
She met his eye. "I hope you don't."
"I won't…I promise. Can I see you tomorrow?" he asked. "And by that, I mean outside of here. Can I take you to lunch?"
She hesitated, those warnings still going off in her brain. Every time she gave in he ran from her afterwards…and what if this ended up the same way?
"Please, sweetheart," he murmured. "I thought lunch would be a good place to start…that's how we started long ago."
Johanna met his eye; a part of her still hesitant. "If I say yes…are you going to run out on me again afterwards? Because that's getting old really fast."
Jim shook his head. "No, I'm not going to disappear on you…I promise, no matter what, I won't run out on you again. Give me a chance to prove it to you."
She breathed deeply; giving in to her heart's desire once again. "Okay," she murmured.
"Okay?" he repeated. "Meaning you'll let me take you to lunch tomorrow?"
She nodded. "Yes…we can go to lunch tomorrow."
Jim smiled, his heart feeling lighter. "What time will be good for you, sweetheart?"
Johanna mentally reviewed her schedule. "Noon if that's alright…my afternoon is light tomorrow."
"Noon is perfect. Can I pick you up or would you prefer that I stay away from your office?" he asked; hoping that she wouldn't take the question he wrong way.
She hesitated for a moment, thinking it over frantically…taking into consideration what she might have to put up with she allowed him to come in and get her…but she didn't want him to think that she was hiding him. She didn't want him to think that she was ashamed or that she didn't want him to have the liberties he had always had before. He seemed like he was serious about wanting this to work…so maybe she could give him this inch. "You can pick me up at my office," she said softly.
"Outside? Or can I come in and get you?" Jim asked cautiously; hoping that he wasn't being too pushy about the issue.
"I thought you meant inside when you asked."
"So…it's okay if I come in and get you?"
Johanna nodded. "Yes…you can come in."
He gave her a small smile, a little of the heaviness from his heart. "You're still on the same floor?"
"Same place I've been since I started working there," she confirmed.
"You're sure it's okay? I won't get mad if you're not comfortable with it."
"It's fine," Johanna replied. "I wouldn't have said you could if I didn't mean it…I just can't promise that someone somewhere might not make a nasty comment."
Jim shook his head. "As long as I can be with you tomorrow, I don't care what anyone says…but is it going to cause problems for you if I come in?"
"No…they're going to say what they want regardless of if you come in or not."
"They probably already have been…haven't they?"
"Yeah, but I'm used to their unsolicited opinions and I don't care what they think."
"I just worry about making things more difficult for you. I want to come in and pick you up like I always did…but I'm going to worry about causing you problems."
"I'm not worried about that," Johanna replied.
Jim eyed her. "But you are worried about something?"
"A little."
"What is it?"
"I'm worried about how much you're going to laugh when I have to put glasses on to read the menu," she told him.
"Why would I laugh?"
"Because it's not a pretty picture."
He cupped her face once more, noting that she wasn't shying away from his touch. "You're beautiful."
Johanna scoffed. "You won't think I'm beautiful when you see those damn reading glasses. They make me look old and ugly."
Jim shook his head. "I don't believe that for a minute; there's no pair of glasses in this world that could make you less beautiful."
"They do…believe me they do…and don't forget that I'm getting lines around my eyes," she stated.
He squinted at them. "Barely noticeable…and as I told you the last time you mentioned them, all they prove is that you used to have reason to smile. I think they're beautiful."
"That's sweet of you to say," she murmured as his thumb swiped against those faint lines at the corner of her eye.
"It's true," he said quietly, his gaze pinned to hers. "I can't tell you how good it is to look into these pretty green eyes again."
She sucked in a shaky breath, hating herself for swaying closer when she needed to be cautious…her heart fluttering wildly as he dipped his head and brushed a kiss against those faint lines at the corner of her eye.
His thumb brushed softly against her cheek as he gave in and pressed a kiss against her cheekbone since she hadn't pulled away…and then, since she wasn't showing any resistance to his show of affection, Jim moved slowly, aiming to capture her lips in the kiss he had been longing for.
"Are we going to eat or not!?" Elizabeth yelled from the dining room.
Johanna flinched at the sound, pulling away from her husband as her heart pounded in her ears. "I'll be right there, Liz," she called back as she tried to pull herself back together.
Damn it, Jim thought to himself, mentally cursing his mother for her interruption. Damn her. Couldn't she have waited a few more minutes so that he could kiss his wife the way he had been longing to since that night in the bar when she had allowed him to kiss her. Now the moment was lost as Johanna hurried to fix their plates with the contents of the casserole dish and oven toasted bread.
"Don't just stand there," Johanna said quietly. "Get her coffee."
Her words jolted him into action and he opened up the cupboard door and took down one of his mother's favored dainty light weight coffee cups and a heavier coffee cup for himself as Johanna took the plates and hurried into the dining room.
He fixed his mother's coffee and poured himself a cup as well, still cursing the interruption as he made his way to the dining room where Johanna was pouring dressing on his mother's salad.
"What were you doing in there?" Elizabeth asked as her son finally reappeared.
"We were getting your dinner," Jim answered as he sat her coffee cup down.
"Funny how it's faster when she doesn't have assistance."
"Sorry, Liz," Johanna murmured. "I got distracted."
"It's alright, I figured it was Jimmy."
"We'll try to be quicker bringing in our own plates," Jim remarked.
"I certainly hope so or I'll be done before the two of you even start."
Johanna headed back for the kitchen and Jim was about to until his mother met his eye. "Well?" she said sharply.
"Well what?" he asked.
"What kind of distraction were you? A good one or a bad one?"
"She hasn't maimed me or screamed at me," he remarked. "I asked her to lunch tomorrow and she agreed to go."
Elizabeth eyed him. "Are you going to show up for that lunch or run away from her again."
His jaw tightened. "Of course I'm going to show up," he hissed quietly.
"You better," she told him. "Go get your dinner, she doesn't have a place set for you since you weren't here."
Jim headed for the kitchen, hoping to steal a few more moments with his wife while being mindful that his mother was apparently timing them. Things were going better than expected given that he had been late.
"That looks good," he said as moved to stand beside Johanna while she dished up the casserole.
"I hope you'll like it…it's something new Liz and I tried a few months ago."
"I'm sure I will…you know I love your cooking. I've missed it…I missed everything about you, Jo."
She swallowed hard. "I missed everything about you too…even cleaning out your pockets on laundry day."
He gave her a small smile. "Well don't worry, my pockets still need cleaned out."
A small smile tugged at her lips. "It's good to know some things never change."
"It's not the only thing that's never changed…the way I feel about you has never changed either."
"You're spouting a lot of pretty words tonight," she remarked.
"Because you deserve them."
"Is it that or you're trying to make sure I'm not still mad about you being late?"
He smiled, his hand curling around her waist gently. "It might be both…although I'm hoping that since you agreed to lunch that it means you forgive me for my lateness."
Johanna met his eye. "This time…but if you're nearly an hour late tomorrow, you're going to wish you had kept on going tonight."
"You don't have to worry," he assured. "I'll be there…on time. I promise. I want this, Jo. I want us to get better."
"So do I," she murmured. "But I admit that part of me is wary."
"I don't want you to be wary…I'm serious about this," he said as he allowed his other hand to slip around her waist as well.
"You gave me a false sense of security at the cabin though," Johanna reminded him, her tone quiet.
A small amount of frustration surged forward but he wisely pushed it down. "I'm sorry that I screwed up the small amount of progress we made at the cabin. I swear to you that it wasn't my intent to go out and blow it the next day."
Johanna breathed deeply. "I know…it wasn't my intention to hurt you when I asked you not to come into my office…I just…"
"You just needed some level of control over the situation," he remarked. "You couldn't control the people who were already there…but if you kept me out, you could control that."
"I wouldn't say it was about control…it was a lot of things but not control…or a way to hurt you. Everything was just…too much at that moment. I couldn't handle another voice or element being thrown in. When people think you've slipped off the edge of reason you just want to keep things…"
"Under control," Jim supplied. "It's alright, Jo; you can admit to needing control."
She scoffed. "I don't think I've had control for a long time."
"I'm sure that's' not true."
"Oh sure, that's why they were so ready to have Katie to commit me."
Jim smiled. "You're the most stable person I know."
She glanced away from him. "I don't know about that," she replied; after all, she had years of spirals to look back on.
"I do," he murmured, drawing her closer as his head dipped, desperate to kiss her and ease the lingering feeling of hurt that hung between them.
"Johanna, do we have any croutons for my salad?" Elizabeth called out just as he had been about to claim her lips.
"Yes, Liz, I'll be right there," Johanna called back as she slipped away from her husband.
Frustration thrummed in his veins once more; his mother was deliberately interrupting he couldn't help but think. He was tempted to yell back that she was more than capable of fetching her own croutons but he figured it would be pointless…and Johanna would think he was insensitive to his mother and that wouldn't help him at all.
Johanna grabbed the croutons from the cupboard and then picked up the glass of soda she had poured before Jim had come into the room. She hurried to the dining room without a word, Maggie's warning about getting too cozy too fast echoing in her mind…no matter how badly she wanted the kiss that she knew he had been gearing up for.
"Are you going to eat tonight?" Elizabeth asked as Johanna uncapped the bottle and sprinkled the croutons on the salad.
"Of course, Liz. I'll be right in."
"I heard that earlier."
"I promise, I just have to grab my plate and get a plate made for Jim."
"Tell him to fix it himself, that's what he gets for being late," Elizabeth remarked.
"I already did," Jim said as he came through the door, carrying his Johanna's plates. "And once again, I'm sorry for being late."
"Mhmm," his mother muttered as she eyed him.
"I'll get the salads," Johanna said. "What do you want to drink?"
"Coffee," he told her. "Is it alright if I sit next to you or would you prefer me to sit at the other end of the table?"
Johanna shook her head. "You can sit wherever you want to."
"You didn't bother to ask before," Elizabeth noted; "So why should it matter now?"
"Because I'm trying to show my wife that I respect what she needs," Jim said, a touch of firmness in his tone.
"It's fine," Johanna said as she headed back for the kitchen. "You can sit beside me if you want."
"I've never known you to take so long to get your plates on the table," Elizabeth remarked when they were all finally settled down with their meals.
"We were talking," Jim said, a note of irritation in his voice as he eyed his mother. She always had had the ability to bring out the worst in him.
"You can talk at the table," she stated.
"Maybe I wanted to talk to my wife without an audience."
"You keep calling her your wife…who are you trying to convince that she's your wife?" Elizabeth asked. "Me, her or yourself? And for that matter, if you didn't want an audience, maybe you should've answered the phone when she called you."
"Mother," Jim said, his tone full of warning.
"Johanna knows you ignored her calls, Jimmy. She's not stupid. Seems to me that you're the one who isn't big on talking…maybe that's why you get bored all the time."
Anger flickered in his eyes as he met his mother's gaze. "If you don't want me here, you can just say so, Mother."
"If I didn't want you to be here, I wouldn't have asked you to move in," Elizabeth stated. "You're the one who doesn't want to be here…that's why you leave all the time. I bore you and if your wife doesn't give you want you want when you want it, you ignore her for days on end until you get over yourself."
"Did you say that she bores you?" Johanna asked as she glanced at her husband.
"No, I didn't," Jim replied. "I said I get bored. I didn't mean that you bore me, Mom. I just get restless. I just like to go out and drive, look around."
"I like to go places," Elizabeth remarked. "You could always ask for company…you're not the only one who gets restless."
Jim blew out a breath. "I'm sorry that I didn't ask you to go along. I didn't think you'd be interested."
"Well maybe you ought to try finding out what people are interested in," his mother retorted. "But then again, you probably don't want to take me anywhere anyway."
"What are you talking about? I've taken you out to dinner."
"But nowhere else…unless you're going to places you're ashamed of."
"I haven't been to any places I'm ashamed of," Jim said firmly. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you wanted to go along. I'll ask you next time."
"Don't bother," she said sharply. "I know when I'm not wanted. I'll get out more once Johanna retires."
"You're retiring?" Jim asked, glancing at Johanna.
She swallowed a bite of her dinner. "Don't act surprised, you've been stalking my Facebook page."
"I haven't stalked your Facebook page!"
"Yes, you have. If you hadn't, you wouldn't have seen the pictures that Jeff posted."
His jaw tightened. "Any new photos on your page?"
"You tell me," she quipped. "I'm sure you've checked."
Jim glared at her. "Make sure no new ones appear."
"I can take pictures with friends if I want."
"Take all the pictures you want with Maggie."
She rolled her eyes. "Back to the topic at hand, I'm sure you already know that I'm retiring, it has been mentioned in the comments on my page."
"Mentions of it doesn't mean that it's official," Jim replied. "You haven't told me anything about it."
"When have you spoken to her long enough for her to tell you anything?" Elizabeth asked. "When have you asked her anything about herself at all?"
"Mother, I know you're mad at me but could you just stop, please?" Jim asked.
"It's my table, I can say what I want."
Jim closed his eyes, doing his best not to lose his temper before he glanced back to his wife. "So you are retiring?"
She nodded. "Yes."
"Are you sure you're ready to do that?"
"She's made up her mind," Elizabeth stated. "Don't talk her out of it; she needs to get away from that place she works at."
"I was just asking if she was sure."
"She's sure."
"We can discuss it more tomorrow at lunch," Johanna said, figuring that she better quell the rising tensions between mother and son. "But I have made up my mind and I'm not going to change it so don't worry, Liz. I'm getting away from there."
Jim nodded. "I do want to hear more about it but I wouldn't try to talk you out of it if you're sure it's what you want."
"I'm sure…we'll discuss it tomorrow."
"That's probably a good idea," he said, figuring that his mother wasn't going to allow an in-depth discussion of the topic anyway with the way she was acting. "Where would you like to go for lunch?"
She shrugged. "Wherever you had in mind."
He had a few places in mind but he figured it was best to have her input. "How about one of those outdoor cafes that you've always liked?"
"That would be nice…especially after being cooped up in the office," Johanna replied. "I'll probably need air by then."
Jim gave her a small smile. "Then that's what we'll do. Maybe if we have time after lunch we could walk a little…look around in a few store windows or something."
"If my schedule remains what it is now, I should be able to do that."
"Are you going to tell Katie?" Elizabeth asked just as Jim opened his mouth to speak once again.
Johanna glanced at her. "Tell her what?"
"Your lunch plans."
"I usually don't call and inform her of my lunch plans…you know Katie isn't overly interested in what I do."
"I wouldn't say that," Elizabeth remarked, a subtle lilt in her tone.
Johanna's brow rose. "No, I don't intend to make a special call to inform her. If it comes up the next time I talk to her, of course I'll tell her. I don't have anything to hide."
"I didn't say you did…I'm just not sure she'll be happy to hear about your plans."
"Katie and I know where each other stands. I'm not worried."
"Maybe one day she'll come with us," Jim stated; wishing he know how to break through to his daughter.
"She needs time," Johanna replied. "You have to be patient with her…she doesn't give in easily."
"Patience isn't Jimmy's strong suit," Elizabeth declared.
"Mother, I feel like you're spoiling for a fight," Jim remarked. "But I'm not going to give you one so settle down."
"I'm not spoiling for anything…that's your department."
Jim breathed deeply, deciding to ignore the comment and give his attention back to his wife. "How was work today?"
"It was fine," Johanna answered. It had been annoying but she was used to that and with the tension that seemed to be hanging in the air, she didn't really want to discuss it at the moment.
"Were you in court?"
"No, I'm not there for the rest of the week."
"Any big cases coming up? You always loved working on a good appeal."
"Johanna doesn't do that anymore," Elizabeth stated.
Jim looked startled by the announcement as he glanced at his wife. "That's not true, is it?"
Johanna swallowed a sip of her soda. "It's true."
"But, Jo…appeals were one of your passions…overturning wrongful convictions was important to you."
"Yeah, well, some things are more important than others," she said as she shifted in her seat, thinking of how she had given up that area of the law for her daughter's peace of mind.
"You were great at it though…that was your arena, sweetheart; appeals and civil rights. You're one of the best at…"
"Things change…I didn't want to do it anymore," Johanna said, interrupting him. "I still handle some civil rights cases as long as it's discrimination based and nothing to do with a criminal case. I don't handle criminal cases anymore in any capacity. I take the discrimination cases and other than that, I stick to contract law and family law."
"Why, Jo?"
"I just needed a change."
"I can understand a break but to do away with it completely…"
"It just felt like the best thing to do."
Jim shook his head; even with moving to a smaller firm, she had always upheld her reputation when it came to appeals and civil rights. "I just don't understand, Jo."
"She didn't want to chance Katie being an orphan over someone else's problems," Elizabeth stated without remorse. "End of story."
"Liz," Johanna said, a measure of sharpness in her tone.
"It's the truth, Johanna, and we both know it," her mother-in-law remarked.
"It was a little more than that but it doesn't need to be discussed tonight."
"Maybe it does," Jim stated, recovering from the kick to his gut that his mother's words had given him. "So tell me why you gave up a portion of your practice."
Johanna raked a hand through her hair. "Jim…"
"Just tell me, Johanna; I can take it."
She closed her eyes, silently cursing her mother-in-law for a moment. "After you…after…well…," she said, stumbling over her words.
"Just say it," he told her.
"After what happened, Katie was very worried about me dealing with criminal cases because we didn't believe what had happened to you was random…we felt like it had to be related to your work. She didn't want me to work criminal cases anymore…she was worried the same thing could happen to me…and so was I…so I finished off the cases I had and cut those areas from my practice. End of story."
A thick silence fell over the table as Jim swallowed hard; he really had destroyed her life in every single way possible, hadn't he? "I'm sorry, Jo," he murmured.
"It's not your fault. I'm the one who made the decision. I didn't want Katie to worry all the time…and I didn't want to worry either."
"Neither one of you would've had to worry if it hadn't been for me," Jim remarked. "I knew I took away a lot of things from you in this mess but I didn't realize I had also torpedoed your career."
"I still have a career, Jim. Katie's feelings meant more to me than handling appeals and criminal cases. I don't miss it and I don't regret it."
"Are you sure about that?" he asked.
She met his eye. "I am. Now let's talk about something else."
His gaze dropped to his plate, unsure of what topic to move on to as he mulled over what he had learned. Maybe that was why she was ready to retire…if you weren't handling the cases you had been passionate about then why bother continuing?
"See what I mean, Jimmy," his mother stated. "You haven't been asking anything…now you're starting to learn…maybe that will ease your boredom."
"Can you get off the boredom thing?" he asked.
"No, it doesn't seem like it," she remarked before giving her attention to Johanna. "Johanna, can we wash my hair after dinner? Angie said she's going out to buy flowers to plant tomorrow and she said she'd pick me up and take me along to help her pick them out."
"Of course, Liz," Johanna answered. "It'll be nice for you to go out with Angie for awhile."
Jim stayed silent for the time being, allowing the women to take over the conversation…hoping it would settle his mother…and that it would give him time to get himself sorted out again.
Irritation was a mild word for the feeling Jim had regarding his mother that evening. Every time he had engaged Johanna in conversation, his mother had butted in or changed the topic completely. When Johanna had gone into the kitchen to wash the dishes, he had followed along, volunteering to help so that he could have some time alone with her while Elizabeth took a call from Angie, finalizing their plans for the next day…but the call hadn't taken nearly long enough and she had made her way into the kitchen, deciding to sit at the table to wait for Johanna to be ready to wash her hair. It wasn't long before he found himself pushed out of the kitchen while the women went through their usual routines.
He knew that his mother needed help with certain tasks…that she and Johanna had their routines and he didn't begrudge them…but damn it, he should at least be entitled to five or ten minutes alone with his wife…shouldn't he? After the hair washing, his mother had gone upstairs to take her bath and Johanna had followed to ready her room for the evening…and staying close in case she'd need her. He was relegated to the dining room where he was nursing a soda and trying to figure out his next move to keep his marriage intact. While he was pondering that, he finally caught a glimpse of his mother moving in the hallway, on her way to the kitchen for her usual nightly cup of tea. Maybe he had a chance after all.
Jim hurried into the living room, determined to get a few moments alone with his wife. He found her at the far end of the sofa and he smiled as he made his way toward her.
Johanna eyed him as he sat down beside her and moved to put his arm around her. "No," she stated, shifting away from him.
"No?" Jim repeated.
"No."
"Why not?" he asked.
"I told you there wouldn't be any getting cozy on the couch," Johanna remarked.
He sighed a little. "It's not like it would be as cozy as it was at the cabin."
"No…no sudden coziness this time…and definitely no sleepover," Johanna replied. "If you want coziness, you have to earn it."
"I never even entertained the notion of a sleepover," Jim stated; "And as for coziness, it wasn't that difficult to get cozy with you when we were just friends."
"You didn't mess up as much back then," she told him.
He smiled. "Are you sure about that? Because I remember getting hung up on at times and one occasion when you slapped me."
"I'll rephrase," Johanna said. "You didn't screw up so much in such a short amount of time back then."
Jim drew his arm away from the back of the couch. "That I can accept and acknowledge."
She nodded. "So maybe you shouldn't sit so close so you won't be tempted to push your luck."
"Okay," he relented, moving to the opposite end of the sofa. "How's this?"
"That's fine…just stay on your side."
He grinned. "That reminds me of times when you'd tell me to stay on my side of the bed…and a lot of times, that sentiment didn't always last."
"Trust me, it'll last tonight…I haven't forgotten that you were late."
"I know…but I think you forgive me since you agreed to lunch tomorrow."
Johanna met his eye. "I forgive you…but if you stand me up tomorrow…"
"Not going to happen," he assured. "I swear to you, I'm going to be there. I'm picking you up at your office at noon."
"You're letting him in the office?" Elizabeth asked as she came into the room with her cup of tea clenched in her good hand.
"Mom," Jim sighed.
"What? Was it a secret?" she asked as she moved to the couch. "You're in my spot."
"You could sit in the recliner," Jim told her. "It's comfortable."
"I always sit on the couch when I watch TV," Elizabeth stated. "Move."
"You can see the TV from the chair," he told her. "One night in the chair won't hurt you."
"No, but I could slap you upside the head and hurt you," she replied. "Now get out of my spot."
Jim sighed deeply and moved back to the center of the couch, allowing his mother to take her preferred spot, glaring at her a little as she did so, nearly missing the moment when Johanna rose from her spot. "Where are you going?" he asked her.
"The couch is a little crowded tonight," Johanna remarked as she settled into the recliner. "I'll sit here."
"You always sit on the couch with me when we watch TV," Elizabeth stated. "Jimmy can sit in the chair."
"Jimmy would prefer the way it was a few minutes ago," Jim stated. "Me and her on the couch and you can be in the chair."
"You don't get to pick the seating arrangement," his mother replied as he moved to the far end of the sofa.
"This isn't what I wanted tonight," Jim mumbled.
"We know what you want," Elizabeth remarked. "But you're not getting it anytime soon."
Jim's head snapped toward his mother. "Just what are you implying?"
"You know what I'm implying," she stated. "You think you can cozy up to her, coax her into bed and all will be well."
"I never said that!"
"And it's definitely not going to happen that way," Johanna added.
"I know that," Elizabeth stated. "But you know how men are, they don't always know it."
"Don't worry, Liz; Jim knows where I stand on the matter of getting cozy at the moment."
He breathed deeply. "Can we change this subject, because it's the last thing I want to discuss with my mother…who used to be a prude about such topics."
"When you get old you don't care anymore," Elizabeth replied. "I'm not stupid; if she gave you the slightest indication that you could get away with it, you'd run out the door with her and I wouldn't see you again for days."
"That's not true," he replied. "I respect my wife and her wishes."
"Mhmm," his mother said as she picked up the remote. "I'm not all that sure of that based on your recent behaviors when her wishes have angered you and you've ignored her in response to them."
"We're going to get past that," Johanna interrupted before another feud could start. "For now, let's find something to watch and put it behind us."
"You want to come back to the couch?" Jim asked. "Because there's room for you."
"No."
"You want me to move to the chair so you can have your usual spot?" he asked.
"No, I'm fine," she said with a smile. "You can sit with your mother."
"I might be safer in the chair though," he quipped.
"I know, that's why I'm not letting you over here," she said, her tone laced with amusement.
"That's cruel," he replied, a smile tugging at his lips.
"If you don't want to do the time, don't do the crime," Johanna told him.
"That's what Robert said every time I complained about the pain of childbirth," Elizabeth remarked.
"I don't think I want to hear this. Let's just watch TV," Jim stated; giving up any hope of having time alone or even a more in depth conversation with his wife.
This evening had been so far what he had hoped, Jim thought to himself as he walked Johanna to her car later that night. He only had himself to blame for that…he shouldn't have been late…and he shouldn't have said the word bored to his mother. Anger flared in his veins as he thought of his mother's interference all evening. She had been determined to keep him from having an in-depth conversation with his wife. Determined to keep the attention upon herself as if she didn't want to share Johanna's time.
It had burned him in a hundred different ways and she was going to know about it as soon Johanna was on her way home. But first, he had to make sure that his wife knew that he was truly sorry about everything including his lateness. "I'm sorry, Jo," he murmured as they reached the car.
"For what?" she asked.
"For tonight…for being late…for making you doubt me…for Mom…I don't know what got into her tonight."
Johanna smiled. "She's mad at you."
"I swear that I didn't mean that she personally bores me. I'm just used to working…I don't know what to do with myself. I didn't expect her to get offended."
"Maybe it's not really what you said…maybe it's something else," Johanna remarked.
"Like what?"
She eyed him, choosing her words carefully. "Maybe she's starting to lose that numb feeling about what's happened. She may just be feeling a little of that anger now."
Jim shook his head. "I think she just wanted to be contrary because I used the wrong word…but if she throws me out this week, any chance I can move into the basement until you're ready to let me come in the house?"
"I don't think for a minute that she's going to throw you out…it's easier to punish you with you in the same house. You know Liz isn't one to take the easy way out."
"That's comforting," he said sarcastically.
She smiled. "You know it's true."
"I know…but I'm still not happy with how she acted tonight. I'm trying to show you that I'm making the effort and she couldn't even let me have a full conversation with you or more than five minutes alone."
"We'll have time to talk tomorrow at lunch," Johanna replied. "We're still on for that, aren't we?"
"Of course…why wouldn't we be?"
She shrugged. "I just wanted to be sure that you hadn't changed your mind."
Jim shook his head. "No, I haven't changed my mind…have you?"
"No," she murmured, although she couldn't help but feel a little nervous about it.
"You're sure it's okay for me to pick you up?"
She nodded. "Yes…I apologize in advance though for any unsavory comments you might get."
"You don't have to apologize…and I don't care what they have to say. I only care about you and seeing you," he said as he reached for her hand. "I meant what I said…I want us to be better."
"I do too…but I can't promise it'll always be easy."
"It hasn't been easy at all so far," he remarked. "But maybe if I quit screwing it up it won't be that way."
Johanna smiled, a touch of amusement lighting up her eyes. "That would help."
He laughed softly, his hand gently squeezing hers as their eyes met and held. He tugged her closer without thought, longing filling him as he lowered his head, intent on a kiss but before he could capture her lips, she turned her face, his lips grazing her cheek instead. "Jo," he murmured in frustration.
"I told you no coziness," she replied, keeping her tone gentle.
"You said on the couch."
"I meant it as a blanket statement."
"You didn't specify that," Jim replied. "You just said no coziness on the couch."
"And yet you tried to get on the couch with me anyway."
"Oh like any coziness was going to happen with my mother in the room," he said with a scoff as he released her hand.
"Jim," she said softly.
"I know," he stated, cutting off her sentence. "I can't have what I want right now because I keep screwing up."
The look of frustration and anguish on his face softened her stance a little and she moved back into his space. He had been alone for as long as she had been…he had to be as starved for affection as she was. She could bend a little…show that she was making effort as well. Her fingertips skimmed his jaw as she brushed a lingering but chaste kiss against his lips.
The moment was all too brief for his liking, Jim thought to himself as he tried to savor the feel of her kiss. "Any chance we can improve upon that?" he asked before he could stop himself, her hand brushing against his chest, her touch branding him.
"We'll see how tomorrow goes," Johanna said softly. "If everything goes well…I might be open to improvement."
Hope flickered within him as his hand settled against her waist. "I promise tomorrow will be better."
"I hope it is…I want the same things you do, Jim…but it's going to take time and work."
"I know…and I'm going to do the work. I promise."
She nodded, hoping that was true. "Then I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow, sweetheart. I'll be there to get you at noon as promised."
Johanna gave him a small smile. "I'm looking forward to it."
"Me too. You go on now, I know you have things to do before you go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow."
She gave him a nod and murmured goodbye before she got in the car and drove away, leaving him alone in front of his mother's house.
Jim blew out a breath as he turned to face the house. His mother's light was still on and he was glad…because he had a few bones to pick with that old woman.
After locking up the house, Jim stormed up the stairs and knocked on his mother's bedroom door.
"Come in," Elizabeth called out.
Her casual tone, as if she hadn't been a menace to him all evening long only served to irritate him further as he pushed open the door and swept into the room. "Alright, Mom, what's the big idea?"
Elizabeth glanced up at him as she remained reclined against her pillows. "The idea is for me to fall asleep watching TV like I occasionally do in the chair downstairs in the afternoon."
"That's not what I'm talking about and you know it."
"Actually, Jimmy, I have no idea why you've stormed into my bedroom looking like a crazy person."
"Don't give me that!" he said angrily as he began to pace the room.
"Don't block the TV," she chastened. "I'm watching my show."
"Quit playing dumb," Jim retorted as he moved away from the television and returned to the area near the side of her bed. "All evening you interfered between me and Johanna. Every time I'd start to get her engaged in a real conversation you'd interrupt. I went to help her with the dishes to be alone with her and you had to come in and interrupt that too!"
"It's my house, I go where I please," Elizabeth stated. "I don't need your permission to be in my kitchen and besides, Johanna was my guest and I didn't want you to be bored."
"First of all, get off the bored comment," Jim retorted. "I didn't mean you personally, I meant I get bored because I'm not working…work is all I had for a very long time and now I don't have it and I don't know what to do sometimes so let it go. Second, don't even go there about Johanna being your guest. It's not like you never see her, Mother. You see her all the time. You knew I was trying to make up with her…especially since I was late getting back here. You know I'm trying to show her that I'm serious about this!"
"You have a lunch date with her tomorrow…that is if you actually show up for it."
Jim favored her with a hard look. "I'm going to be there…are you? Are you going to crash our lunch like you crashed everything else this evening?"
"No, that would require finding a ride," Elizabeth stated. "I'll just have to trust that you'll be on your best behavior."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
His mother eyed him. "You know what it means."
"Maybe I don't. Maybe you ought to lay it out for me bluntly like you used to. Maybe you should tell me straight out what your deal was tonight. Don't you want Johanna and I to get back together?"
"Of course I do."
"Then what were you doing tonight!?"
Elizabeth met his eye with no sign of remorse. "Protecting her."
Outrage flicked across his face. "From what!?" he all but yelled. "My wife doesn't need protected from me!"
"As much as it pains me to say it, I'm not all that sure of that, Jimmy."
The words nearly knocked the wind out of him and he stared at her for a long minute. "How can you say that?"
Elizabeth sighed deeply as she shifted, making herself more comfortable against her pillows. "I say it because of the evidence you've been providing. You've already hurt her twice in the time you've been home…I don't want to see it become a third time."
"I'm not trying to hurt her; I'm trying to make amends!"
"Not from where I'm sitting you haven't been," his mother replied. "All I see is you wanting everything your way and when she doesn't give you your way, you turn your back on her. Hell even when she did give you your way you ran from her. I mean let's think about the big picture here, Jimmy; she gave in and went out for a drink with you…she eased her rules about contact…allowed you to get close…allowed you to kiss her and what did you do? You ran out on her and avoided her for over a week. You go and fix that problem and once again, she lets you in…and within twenty-four hours of leaving her side, you go and do the same damn thing all because she wouldn't let you run in her office and play hero. You ignored her calls, her messages, stayed away from here when you knew she'd be here. She had to set a trap to catch you so she could lay down the law face to face…you promise her you'll be here when she gets here tonight and you nearly devastated her all because you got stuck in traffic and was late…because you just couldn't stay home today so you could be sure to be here. No, you had to go running around and almost blow it again. So yes, I think she does need some protecting from you…she's vulnerable and you're playing games with her…"
"I'm not playing games!" he yelled.
"Don't you raise your voice to me!" Elizabeth yelled back. "I'm not stupid, I've seen you playing your stupid games with her because you want it all your way or no way. Well I don't want her getting hurt for a third time! She's been hurt enough. You don't know what she's been through…how she's struggled and suffered…but I do know. I saw it. I saw a confident woman with both feet planted firmly on the ground become completely broken and lost in an instant. I watched her spiral for years…I witnessed it, Jimmy. I know how hard it's been for her to put herself back together the best that she can. You're my son and I love you…but she's been my daughter for the last thirteen years and I love her too…and I don't want to see her broken again so you better start thinking about what the hell you're doing."
"I am!"
"Are you?" she asked. "Have you given any evidence? Have you asked her anything about what she's been through? About her life right now? Have you told her what plans you have in mind for yourself? Sometimes I wonder about that myself. You leave here every day and you're gone for hours but you don't say what you're doing or hoping to accomplish. It kind of makes me wonder if you're really planning on staying here in New York with us."
"Of course I'm staying!" Jim exclaimed. "Where the hell would I go? If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't have bothered to come back."
"How are we really supposed to know that, Jimmy? You haven't made much effort to find out what everyone has been doing for all this time…you haven't really told us what you've been doing. You just want to walk in and say 'this is mine and I'm taking it back' and not do any of the work for it. You don't have a damn clue about anything that's gone on around here…how I almost gave up until Johanna started screaming at me and forcing me into therapy. I didn't think she had any fire left in her at that point…but she got fed up with me…came in that hospital and yelled her head off at me and when the nurse came in after her, she told her she better get the hell out because she was going to get the job done…and she did. She made me eat. She made me go to physical therapy. She made me work on my speech. She fought Madelyn and Michael, telling them she'd shoot them both before she'd let them lock me away in some nursing home. She got me well…she's the reason I'm still here, alive and well in my own home. She protected me from your brother and sister…and I'll protect her if I feel she needs it."
"I'm glad she was there for you, Mom. I'm glad she got you well and I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you. I understand that you're close to Johanna…but you are my mother…where's your loyalty and faith in me?"
"I'm aware of the fact that I'm your mother…but I've had to mother her for the past thirteen years too, Jimmy; because there have been plenty of times when she needed one and I'm all she has. I'm not trying to make you feel like she's taken your place in my heart; that's not how it works. I love you both…but like I said; you're not giving us evidence of good intentions. I know you don't like hearing it and you don't want to believe it…but I saw the spirals she went through without you…you didn't."
Jim's jaw was tight with anger and frustration. "Then tell me about it."
"It's Johanna's story to tell…why don't you ask her?"
"Because maybe it would be easier to hear from someone else first."
Elizabeth smirked at him. "And you're all about the easy way, aren't you?"
"No, I just want to know. You feel she needs protected…Katie feels she needs protected…so give me a brief version of events, Mom. Tell me what the hell went on so I have some idea. Can you just do that? Can you just be loyal to me for a minute and tell me about my wife so maybe when I do get the chance to talk about it with her I can deal with it in the right way?"
Elizabeth was silent for a long moment as she pondered if she should dip her toes in these waters. It was, after all, her daughter-in-law's personal business and it should be up to her to share it if she chose to…but on the other hand, maybe if Jimmy had some semblance of an idea of what she had been through, maybe he'd take things a little more seriously and wouldn't keep making these same mistakes.
"Mom, please," he said, frustration in his voice. "You don't have to give me every detail…just give me an idea. I won't tell her that you told me anything. I just…I need to know. You keep bringing it up and Katie brought it up when we got the test results…and I just need to know. It's not going to change anything; she's my wife, I love her and I want her back no matter what…so just tell me."
Elizabeth picked up her glass of water from the nightstand and took a long sip before placing the glass back on the stand. "Sit down, Jimmy."
"Is it that bad?"
"There were bad times, that's true enough…but I just want you to sit down so you're not towering over me."
He nodded, going to the armchair near the window and sitting down. "I'm sitting…now tell me."
Elizabeth chose her words carefully; hoping she was doing he right thing. "The first several months without you…she wanted to drown…and she chose wine to drown in."
Jim released a breath; that wasn't entirely a newsflash. "Jo kind of mentioned that at the cabin…she said that there was a time when she drank a little more than she should have but that some people exaggerate the issue and that I should take it with a grain of salt."
The old woman smiled a little. "She's afraid you'll think less of her."
"I don't…it's not like I haven't had my times of hard drinking when things get bad. I've had those times…I wouldn't judge her for hers. She says it didn't last long."
"Oh it lasted several months. Did she tell you that she got hurt while drinking?"
Jim shook his head. "No…hurt in what way?"
"She went to a party for the law firm, got drunk because she didn't want to be there. A man kept after her…he didn't want to take no for an answer so eventually she slapped him and tried to take off. If I remember correctly, Sharon and their boss followed her out to the parking lot and was trying to get the car keys away from her when her heel broke and she fell and hit her head pretty hard. She spent the night in the hospital with a concussion."
"Oh God," he breathed as he scrubbed his hands over his face. "It didn't leave any permanent damage, did it?"
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "She's fine…and after a lot of talking and finding out that she was drinking a lot because she couldn't sleep, Katie moved back home with her for awhile and helped her get sorted out. She stopped drinking for a good while…and now she's back to normal habits and believe me, Katie polices her on it…she treats her like an alcoholic but she isn't one, so don't go thinking that. She's perfectly fine now to have a drink or two, she knows her limits and she sticks to it. Don't treat her like Katie does about it."
He shook his head. "No, I wouldn't do that…I have no right to judge, I've been there myself…more than once. You're sure she wasn't hurt worse though? Are you sure that guy didn't hurt her?"
Elizabeth nodded. "I'm positive, Jimmy; she was at a party in full view of everyone. She got hurt in a struggle for the keys, that's all…and believe me, no one that was there that night has ever let her forget it. They lord it over her every chance they get especially Sharon."
"Bitch," he muttered. "Like she's perfect."
"I don't like her at all," his mother remarked; "I don't know why the hell Johanna is friends with her but that's her business."
"Is the drinking the only thing?" Jim asked; hoping it was, because after all, she had already mentioned that in a small way and he had assured her that he didn't judge her for it.
"No…there were other things."
"Like what?"
"I'm not going to give you all the answers, Jimmy. She had her spirals…different things at different times…a good five years of one spiral after another. She was broken…she's still broken in a lot of ways. She's not entirely the woman she once was."
"Who is?" Jim asked. "No one ever stays exactly the same…you're not the same as you used to be."
His mother shook her head at him. "No, I'm not…but I think you're missing the point."
"I'm not," he sighed. "What else has there been?"
"Jimmy, I don't like feeling like I'm betraying her trust," his mother remarked. "But last night when she told you that she had learned the hard way that she needs stability in her life for her wellbeing; she wasn't lying. She has learned the hard way more than once."
"You're not going to tell me all of it?" he asked.
"No," Elizabeth answered. "You do the work and find out, it's her story to tell and I'm not one to break her trust.
I'm not trying to dissuade you from getting back together…I want you both to be happy…I'm just afraid at the rate you're going that you're break her heart again and I don't think she can take it, Jimmy."
"I'm not going to break her heart," he said firmly. "I'm here to win it back."
Elizabeth shook her head at him. "You never lost it, you dunce. It's always been yours and it still is…and if you'd pull your head out of your ass and do the work that's required, you'd find that out a lot quicker and then maybe you'd feel better about things and wouldn't be making such stupid mistakes…because I know I raised you better than you've been acting."
"Do I really need a lecture right now?"
"What you really need is a slap upside your head," his mother remarked; "And I'll give it to you if you keep screwing this up. Please tell me that you're not going to back out on her tomorrow…letting you come to the office to pick her up isn't going to be easy for her so it ought to mean something to you that she agreed to that."
"I have no intentions of backing out…and if anyone in her office has something to say about it, I'll be more than happy to take care of it."
"You better not blow this one, Jimmy…you better show up…and you better not avoid her afterwards either because I believe she's serious…you pull that stunt again and she'll be done with you."
"I'm not going to let that happen."
"I hope you don't…because you won't like what I have to say to you if you do," Elizabeth said as she adjusted her covers and shifted. "Now if you're done with your ranting and accusations of meddling, I'd like to watch my show and go to sleep."
"You were meddling…you were interrupting on purpose."
"It's my house, I do what I want. Now get out of my room so I can go to bed."
Jim sighed deeply; she never did have any remorse…he should've known that from the get-go. He moved to the bed and leaned down, kissing her cheek. "Goodnight, mother."
"Goodnight, Jimmy; sleep well."
"I won't hold my breath," he muttered as he made his way to the door. His mind was too full of worries about putting things back together…of wondering what all his wife had gone through in his absence and how he was going to learn about it. It wasn't like he could just bring it up…that wouldn't be wise at all. Maybe he'd just have to take it slow…act like he had no inkling and then maybe she'd open up to him about whatever it was. He'd just have to be careful…and he couldn't screw this up again.
Johanna stared at the phone in her hand as she sat in bed that night, hearing Liz's words about telling Katie ringing in her mind. There was really no reason to inform her daughter of her lunch plans…after all she never did before. She and Katie had talked…her daughter knew where she stood and that she planned to do her best to work things out with Jim. She knew Katie wasn't thrilled with the idea but she figured in time she'd understand the decision she had made.
So really she didn't need to call her and tell her anything…but on the other hand, she didn't want her to think that she was keeping something from her…but she didn't want to get in that cycle either. She wasn't doing anything wrong…she didn't need to notify her.
The phone rang in her hand, startling her and making her flinch. Katie's name was on the screen, making her wonder if her daughter had somehow known she was thinking of her…but usually she didn't call this late in the evening…especially now that she and Rick were together. "What's wrong, Katie?" she asked as she answered.
"Nothing's wrong," her daughter replied. "Why would you think so?"
"It's been awhile since you've called this late in the evening," Johanna replied. "Not that I mind the time, I'm always happy to hear from you."
"Mom, you seem like you're gearing up to ramble already…what's wrong on your end?" Kate asked.
"Nothing's wrong."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm fine. How was your day?"
Kate sighed. "Long and uneventful."
"Good, that means you were at your desk and I don't have to develop my ulcer overnight," Johanna remarked.
"Your imaginary ulcer is going to be just fine," Kate remarked, a touch of lightness in her tone. "How was work for you?"
It was Johanna's turn to sigh. "About as expected…meetings went fine but everything else was a pain in the ass."
"Sharon still hassling you?"
"Only every time she breaths," she replied. "If it wasn't for the fact that I'm retiring in a few months, I'd just fire her and be done with it but I don't want the hassle of hiring a temporary secretary."
"I don't blame you on that angle; at this point it's more trouble than it's worth…but you could just tell her off."
"Believe me, it's coming to that."
"Did you go to Grandma's?"
"Yes," Johanna answered.
Silence lingered over the line for a long minute. "Did your husband show up or is he still hiding from you?"
"I told you this morning that I gave him an ultimatum."
"I know…so did he show up or will you be scheduling a court date for the divorce?"
"He showed up."
"And?"
Johanna breathed deeply. "And I'm going to give him another chance."
Kate was quiet for a moment. "How many chances are you going to give him, Mom?"
"I told you I was going to do my best to work it out, Katie."
"Yeah…and you're the one I see working at it," her daughter replied. "What has he done so far to deserve chance after chance?"
"Katie…"
"No, tell me…I mean he's done turned his back on you twice in the short amount of time he's been back…so what has he done to keep deserving these chances?"
"He came back to me," she murmured.
"But not as fast as he could have," Kate reminded her. "He could've been here months ago, Mom…but he wasn't…and I'm sorry, but I just feel like he keeps jerking you around and I hate to see that."
"It's just going to take time, Katie."
"How much time is he going to spend hurting you, Mom? That's what I want to know…because that's all he's been doing since he got here. You've been hurt enough…why are you going to keep giving him chances to continue doing it?"
Tears stung her eyes as her throat tightened. "Because I love him."
"I know you do…but…"
"But nothing…I said I was going to try and I am."
"I know…I'm just worried about you, Mom."
She couldn't tell her about the lunch date, Johanna thought to herself. Her well meaning daughter would end up sitting a few tables away from her, observing anything and leaping at anything that didn't seem the way she thought it should be. "I'm fine, Baby," she murmured. "No need to worry."
"Are you sure about that?" Kate asked.
"I'm sure…and if that changes, I'll let you know."
"It's not that I don't want you to be happy," Kate said quietly.
"I know…you just don't want me to get hurt again…and I don't want to be hurt again either…but I have to try, Katie. I gave him an ultimatum and he met it. He showed up and we talked…and we're going to do better."
"For your sake, I hope that's true."
"He's still waiting to talk to you."
"You said you wouldn't push."
"I'm not, sweetheart. I'm just telling you that he's not giving up on you."
Kate scoffed. "I feel like he did that a long time ago…when he put off coming home to kiss the FBI's ass."
"Maybe he was afraid."
"Maybe he had to think twice about it," her daughter remarked. "That's why I want you to be careful."
"I'll be careful, Katie. I promise. I know what I'm doing."
"I hope so," she replied. "I better go, I need to get some clothes out of the dryer."
"Alright, Katie. I love you."
"Love you too…call if you need me."
"You too," Johanna stated before they said goodbye and she ended the call.
She blew out a breath as she stared at the device in her hand once again. She couldn't tell Katie about her lunch date…but maybe if it went well she could tell her about it. If it went badly…well…maybe she'd just keep that to herself. The phone buzzed in her hand and she glanced at it, seeing a new text pop up from Jim.
"Just wanted to say goodnight, sweetheart. I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I love you."
She smiled a little, praying that they were going to turn things around as she replied to the message. "I'm looking forward to it too. Goodnight," she wrote, inserting a heart emoji as she hesitated to write out the words. With her message sent she allowed thoughts of her impending lunch date to cross her mind…nerves setting in and she hated that; there was no reason to be nervous…and yet she was…all of those old dating anxieties began to crop up and she picked up her phone and placed a call.
"Hello?" Maggie answered.
"I didn't wake you, did I?" Johanna asked.
"No…I've been waiting to hear from you," Maggie admitted. "Did he show up?"
"He did."
"Tell me everything," her friend demanded.
Johanna filled her in on everything including the plan for their lunch date the next day. "This sounds promising," Maggie remarked.
"Yeah…there's just one problem."
"What's that?"
"What am I going to wear?" Johanna asked.
Maggie laughed on the other end of the line. "I'm so glad I'm not the only one going through this at the moment."
"Glad I could accommodate you," she quipped. "Now what am I going to wear…and let's keep in mind that I have to wear it to work."
"Well go to the closet and tell me the options," Maggie replied. "We'll figure it out…and everything is going to be fine. I'm sure it'll go well."
"I hope so," Johanna replied as she got up and moved across the room to the closet. "I certainly hope so."
That night when he finally settled into bed, Jim knew that he wouldn't sleep much…not with this lunch date looming…not with his mother's words ringing in his ears. Why did she have to make it sound like his wife had secrets? Dark secrets at that he couldn't help but think…but then again, his mother did have a knack for being dramatic. Maybe she was just exaggerating the situation…that was probably it, she was probably exaggerating things just to make him worry more.
Johanna was a strong and while he didn't doubt that grief had taken its toll at times, he found it hard to believe that she'd lose any sense of control of herself. His mother just wanted him to worry even more than he already did.
But…what if that wasn't the case. What if Johanna did have secrets about what she had gone through in his absence? How was he supposed to make those things better if he didn't know what they were? How was he supposed to find out when his mother was unwilling to share her knowledge? If Johanna had had some kind of struggle, knowing her she'd feel a measure of shame for it and wouldn't want to share it with him.
He had to know though…he had to find out what had gone on while he was away…and while he couldn't ask straight forward questions right now, he'd find out one way or another before long. For now he had to concentrate on not blowing their lunch date…maybe if he could make progress at making amends with Jo it would also help him make some head way with his daughter.
At least he could hope so…he had a lot of hopes, maybe's and we'll sees to get through…but he would. He wasn't giving up on his wife or his daughter. He had to get his head in the game…he couldn't lose again, he just couldn't.