Ch. 8

Lud stood up from my bed and placed his and back on my shoulder, "It sounds like you're lying to me if I'm being honest right now. Usually, people don't cry if they're finding out that their friend is finding out about another friend being gay."

A cold sweat started on the back of my neck. I didn't know what to say. I just stared at my hands in frustration and fear. I couldn't tell him now that I didn't have a crush on Gilbert. But, I couldn't straight up lie to him.

"Ha… if I'm being honest… I don't have a crush on him… it's… uh… well…"

The tension was broken by my mother walking in with a weird look on her face, "Feli oh good you're home and safe. I just got a call from the school that you skipped the last part of your class. I was wondering where you had gone. And then Ludwig walked in after school and couldn't get your door open so I didn't know what was going on."

"Oh, mom, I'm sorry. I'm okay. Everything is ok…" I couldn't think of the right words, all that came out was, "What are we having for dinner? Do you need anything for it? Do I need to go to the store for you?"

I couldn't think of anything else to say. My mind was in a different place, I was so worried and couldn't think. I couldn't keep going on the conversation that Lud and I were having. I don't want to tell him. I can't. It'd destroy me. Every time I've told people that I've had crushes on people they don't reciprocate the same emotions… hence why I don't tell people I like them anymore. My father even told me that I shouldn't go telling people I have feelings for them every time I have a crush on them. Dad… man, I miss him. He'd tell me all these amazing stories, everything he knew and wanted me to know. The one thing he repeated to me over and over again was how I shouldn't be telling people I'm gay. How I should act like a normal guy until I got out of high school and made it to college. He wasn't against the idea of me being gay, I don't think he really cared all that much. I think he was just trying to make it easier for me. I don't think he wanted me to get bullied for how I was… damn…. I miss my dad.

I still couldn't think of anything else to say to either Lud or mom so I stood up from my bed and said, "How 'bout I make dinner. You, mom, you can relax and I'll make something."

Mom started to smile and she hugged me. While she hugged me, she whispered, "Sweetie, if you're going to tell him, be careful, you know how this goes… I hope he's not like the other boys you've told."

I've always wondered how my mom always knew what was going on in my head and how she knew what I was about to do. I swear she can read minds.

"I got it, mom."

I let go and proceeded to walk down the stairs and into the kitchen. 'What to make for dinner… well, I have no idea.' I looked through the fridge and then the pantry and then the fridge again. I saw that we had sea robin in the fridge which then sparked the idea of making Bouillabaisse, my father's favorite thing to make for dinner. And for those that don't know what Bouillabaisse is, it's more or less a fish stew, served as hot as it can be, made with some sort of fish and broth, with herds and small vegetables. I remember my father making this so much that for the longest time, my mom wouldn't touch the stuff. But I'm hoping that her taste for it has come back. After all, it's been a couple of years.

"Welp, here goes nothing. I really hope she likes this. Man, I hope Lud likes it too…"

I grabbed the fish out of the fridge, the fish stock base out of the pantry and everything else. 'I hope I can make it as good as dad….' To relax myself, I took out my headphones and started listening to the music my father would play when he made dinner. Piano notes filled my ears, ringing inside my head as if I've never heard them before. I grabbed mom's apron and as I put it on, I closed my eyes and let the music envelope my fears and worries. I let it carry me to a place I hadn't been to in years; I guess you'd call it a happy place. I opened my eyes and started dinner.

Chop, chop, chop. Slice. Slice. Splish, splash.

Potatoes, herbs, fish, onion, stock, water, salt and pepper for taste; it's so easy to make but also very easy to mess up. The secret is to keep the stock just slightly above boiling temp and not touch it for at least forty-five minutes. And when I say 'at least' I mean, don't touch it for an hour and kinda let it sit on the stove longer than it needs to so everything can blend together in perfect harmony. What I was unaware of was that mom and Lud were watching me as I made dinner, not bugging me, or trying to distract me, just watching me from the stairwell. Mom just smiled as she looked at Lud,

"See, Ludwig, isn't he just the sweetest little thing? He's just like his father, listening to music while he cooks. You know, his father used to say that when he'd put on music and let it take him away, his food always tasted better. I can't be the judge of that but, I loved it when his dad cooked for us. I miss those days."

Lud looked at my mom and then back down at me, "Well, if he's anything like you've said, then dinner is going to be nice."

Just like that, I was done cooking the main part of dinner. Bread always went nice with this kind of thing. I decided I'd go get some since I knew that we didn't have any left in the house.

I was still being carried by the music and I let it continue to fill me with its notes and melodies. I took off mom's apron and headed out the door. I'm surprised no one stopped me while I was making dinner. I'm surprised no one stopped me when I went out the door. But people did notice me cooking, and me walking out the door. But they also weren't going to stop me from doing what I was doing. Mom at least knows not to stop me when I'm listening to music.

The market is only a couple blocks from the house so I decided walking would be fine. Step after step, I made my way down the sidewalk. I couldn't help but think of what would have happened if I had told Lud at that moment that I didn't like Gilbert, but him. I could feel my face getting red. I put my hands to my cheeks and tried to snap myself out of it. My hands went up my face and into my hair.

"Aaah! What am I going to do?! I can't tell him! That'd be the death of me! But, but, but… AAAAAAAAH! I don't know what to do!"

I then realized how loud I was yelling to myself and felt uneasy stares coming from the people on the other sidewalks and around me. I slouched my head down and put my hands in my pockets in embarrassment. 'Better just keep walking. I'm almost there anyway.'

The smells of the bakery and perfumes started to fill my nose as I looked up and saw the busy market. I paused my music, keeping my headphones on. People going from stall to stall, other people yelling about how great their products are and what they can do to benefit your health. Colors everywhere. Soap stalls, flower shops, a honey parlor, ice cream, and candy shops, and my favorite, the bakery. As I approached the building, a man walked out of the door and held it for me,

"Thanks!"

"Ya, no problem."

I walked in and the smells were absolutely gorgeous. Sweet baked treats and bread mixed together in the small building, just big enough for this small bakery to make as much goodness as they possibly wanted. A brown hair, green eye man working the register quickly greeted me with, "Ah Felic, welcome back! What will you be having this time?!"

"Hi, Antonio! I need your freshest loaf of sourdough! I feel that would be the perfect addition to my Bouillabaisse, don't you think?"

"Ah, Felic, that sounds wonderful. You haven't made that in a very long time. I hope it turns out as good as I remember it." Antonio turned around and looked through the racks of bread to find the perfect loaf. He found one, put it in a bag and said, "I hope you have 2 dollars on you." He laughed as he put my bread on the table and waited for my response.

"Ha, yes I do." I pulled out my wallet, grabbed out a five-dollar bill and said, "Hey, put this on my tab so I can forget my wallet next time!"

"Ahaha, can do little buddy!" I began to walk out with my perfect loaf of bread when Antonio added, "Say hi to your mother for me, ah?!"

"Can do!"

I left the bakery and was on my way home. I unpaused my music and felt again, the happy joyous notes fill my ears. Maybe today wasn't going to be the worst, even though it started off pretty bad. The walk home was just as peaceful as I could ever imagine. The sun was shining, the shuffle on my iPod knew exactly what songs I wanted to hear, and there was no one to bug me on my walk home. it was fantastic.

When I made it to my house, I put my hand to the handle and paused. 'Do I really want to go back in there? I mean I need to check on dinner but still, I don't want to have to face anyone. What if my face goes all red again? What if I accidentally say something I regret! I mean, I almost said how I felt about Lud until mom saved my freaking life. But at the same time, I need to let him know that I don't like Gilbert!'

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

I opened the door and walked in trying to act all stoic and proud of my bread. I went straight into the kitchen and checked to see if the food was almost done. I stirred my mixture of awesomeness and it smelt awesome as well. Sorry, I felt like saying awesome and hey guess what, I said it again. That's great. The food wasn't done quite yet, actually it had nearly a whole hour left still on it. So, I decided a nap was necessary, and that's what I did. I placed my perfect bread on the counter and decided to crash on the couch until it was done. I set a timer on my phone as I walked to the couch in the living room. As I let my body fall to the couch, I face planted into it. And almost immediately, I passed out.