Chapter 37
Don't Give Up
The pain…
Why can't it stop?
Why won't it end?
What have I done to deserve this?
Overcome with sadness, Elena lay despondent on her bed face-down, drowning her pillow with tears. Her right hand jerked to the side, holding the corner of the pillow in a vicious grip. As her knuckles turned white with rage, she loathed herself for losing Revan all because of her clumsiness.
All the signs, all the interactions she had with Bastila compelled her to do what she did; all voices in her head told her that this was the right moment. But for all her convictions, she failed miserably, just as she had so many times before during her life as a Jedi.
She felt worthless, nothing more than a burden to others. She had always lagged behind her peers, who seemed lightyears ahead of her in both progress and potential. Whether it was the martial prowess and swordsmanship of Alek, the wisdom and intellect of Atris, or the creativeness and ingenuity of Revan and Meetra, she could never match them in any regard. An irritable feeling ate away at her daily, as she constantly felt that she was hindering the progress of those whom she regarded as the closest thing she had to a family. Time and again she required guidance and assistance, feeling less and less capable every time she did so. Years later, when she finally ascended to Knighthood, she thought she could be there for her friends, repaying them for their years of heartfelt dedication and loyalty.
And now this.
She remembered the words Kreia spoke to her on that night in the Dantooine Enclave. She recalled them almost every night before she fell asleep, hastening her desire to reveal the truth to her love.
Your lips pretend to speak for you, yet I see the truth in your heart, young one. I have overheard you speaking with him. I have heard the desire in your voice. You long for him. Yearn for him. You know deep down that only your love can unlock his full potential and spare you from certain doom in your upcoming quest, do you not?
Elena clenched her teeth, damning Kreia's advice which now led only to disaster. She had lost her fiancé, but the galaxy had lost probably its one last hope of survival against the wrath of Malak.
All because of her.
The guilt, the feeling of worthlessness, the knowledge that she would be responsible for the enslavement and deaths of countless people in the galaxy…
She looked up at the small chandelier ceiling light fixture.
If only I had rope…
A knock at her door broke her out of her thoughts as she lifted her head off her pillow, her long black hair lying all about her in an untied mess. The knock came again, but she didn't have the heart to reply.
Leave me, she wanted to say, but didn't have the strength. Finally, having waited long enough, Bastila walked into the room, followed by everyone else who trailed after her. Even HK-47, who stood outside on a solitary watch, joined them, intrigued by the event.
"Elena, we must talk," Bastila said softly, walking over at a slow pace towards the bed.
"What's there to talk about?" Elena huffed. "It's done. Over. All is lost."
Canderous was having none of it. "I want answers. Now. The hell was that all about? Why did Kael run off like that in the middle of the night without so much as a single word to the rest of us?"
Elena looked blankly at Bastila. "You didn't tell them?"
Her former pupil shook her head, her eyes firm yet trembling at the same time. She stepped forward, took Elena's hand and placed the wooden pendent in her palm. "Tell them yourself."
Elena sighed deeply, sat up on the side of the bed and brushed her hair backwards, revealing her tear-soaked face to them all as she stared at her pendent and spoke despondently. "Kael is…not who you think he is. He's been living a lie this whole time, and that's why he ran away once he realized it."
She fell into a tense silence, and it took Jena's impatience to snap her out of it. "We need to know. Please."
A pair of teary grey eyes peered up reluctantly. "Kael is…Revan. And my fiancé…"
No gasps or whimpers. Just a single chill up and down the spine shared by all except HK-47 was the only thing in common between them all as they took time to allow the revelation to sink in. Their faces each displayed emotions that couldn't be more separated, from anguish in Bastila, shock in Dean and Jena, conflict in Canderous and mild amusement in Trask.
"You can't be serious. Y-you can't be serious!" Dean stammered, shaking his head in disbelief. "You're telling me that that was…Commander Revan?"
"What else did you say? Your…fiancé?" Jena added, her hand upon her lips.
"It's true," Bastila explained, seeing that Elena was in no mood to do so. "Revan and Elena knew each other since they were both nine years old, and they have been in love for a little under two decades. The three of us lived in secret as a family of sorts on Coruscant, far away from the Jedi Temple. When the war came, and before he departed to fight the Mandalorian invasion, Revan proposed to Elena. That was his engagement gift." She pointed at the pendent that Elena clutched at. "It belonged to Revan's mother. More than anything else, it represented his heart. That's why he left it with Elena. It means more to her than the most priceless jewel in the galaxy."
Silence soon followed, during which each of them thought hard on the startling revelation. Without their missing comrade, all things suddenly seemed bleak. Just when the galaxy needed him the most, just when the golden chance to redeem himself and his name arose, Revan fled, torn over the deceit and manipulation he had to endure from those whom he thought were his closest friends and mentors.
"How can he simply not remember any of that? What happened to him?" Jena asked.
"Elena and I were part of the strike team which managed to capture Revan aboard his flagship. In our duel, he killed all the other Jedi Knights who were with us, but couldn't bring himself to do the same to us. During a brief pause, Malak saw his chance and opened fire upon the bridge. Revan protected us by shielding us with his body, but in turn suffered horrible injuries and lost consciousness. We extracted him and brought him to Dantooine, where the Jedi Council reprogrammed the surface of his memories, replacing Revan with Kael Deren. His innermost emotions, however, couldn't be erased – those deep feelings he holds for Elena and I."
Canderous's expression darkened, his opinion of Revan changed in an instant. The fearless, calculating and seemingly invincible opponent he once faced in war? He was now running from his own past, revealing just how fragile and tender even people of his reputation could be. Revan was once like a demon unleashed in battle, moving at lightning speed as he personally cut down Mandalorian warriors and shouted at his dwindling battalions to press forward against a sea of enemies. Canderous saw how desperately he fared against Juhani's kath hounds on Dantooine, beasts which the Mandalorian Clans would put down for sport. The mighty had fallen so far indeed, and Revan was certainly not what he was before.
Still, even though Revan ruined his life – defeated his clan, stripped them of their weapons and pride and effectively drove him into self-imposed exile – this was not what Canderous wanted to see. A warrior like Revan deserved more. So much more.
But then, what about Veela and his son? Weren't they bitter about his desertion, just as he was bitter now towards Revan? Jena's words to him were correct, and there was no denying it.
I have to go back…
"Is he coming back?" Canderous brought himself to ask. "Do you think he'll return?"
"Ha. Fat chance, don't you think?" Trask scoffed as he crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe. "What do you see me doing as we speak? Why go back to serving the people who simply used and discarded you?"
"He won't come back," Elena wept, dropping the pendant on the bed. "I've ruined everything. This is all my fault."
"Won't you be needing him? I thought his visions were the central key to find the Star Maps on your quest?" Dean asked.
"He's right," Canderous grunted. "Without him we'll never—!" He was interrupted by a raucous rumbling that emanated from within HK-47, whose eyes began to glow a frighteningly fierce crimson. High-pitched beeping noises and grinding gears blared loudly enough that everyone around him had to draw back, Jena holding her hands over her ears as she stood directly next to him. Bastila readied herself, seemingly prepared to pounce like a panther as she drew her lightsaber, beads of sweat trickling down the hilt.
Elena, on the other hand, merely glimpsed at HK-47 momentarily before looking down again, too broken to even be bothered to react.
After a tense few seconds, HK-47 settled down into a normal state, his head rotating side to side, as if he was observing them all with a bemused look. "Statement: Do not fear, meatbags. I do not pose any threat to you. For the time being."
"What the hell was that? What were you doing? Answer me!" Jena demanded, her eyes darting towards the outer courtyard, concerned that her daughter may have been startled by the noise.
HK-47 turned to the Mandalorian woman. If he had a human face, he would surely have given off a bemused expression. "Explanation: This…revelation of ours has triggered the deepest cores of my memory banks. My original programming dictates that my memory be temporarily sealed away while on assignment, to be restored only upon returning to my original master."
"'Original master'? You mean…Revan?" Canderous asked. As skilful and creative as he may be, Kael was still far from the unstoppable juggernaut that Canderous remembered his old nemesis as being.
"Confirmation: Correct, Mandalorian meatbag. Absent though he may be, I have at last found my master once again, thus triggering my memory core. My original array of abilities have now been fully restored, and I am most eager to resume carrying out his commands." He turned left, facing northward towards the settlement of Anchorhead, the place he assumed Revan to have run off to.
"So you're leaving after him? Just like that? We could use your help!" Bastila said.
"Statement: That is incorrect. The master has explicitly ordered me to assist in our current mission, namely the locating of both your father and the Star Map. Until my assignment is complete, I cannot act otherwise. Where you will all go afterwards is another question, but I must return to my master with all due speed once the task at hand is finished."
"So what happens now? Is this the end of the road?"" Trask spoke up, arms crossed in bemusement as he approached Bastila. "You were giving me shit earlier about turning my back on the Republic. My…duties? Now just look at what your best friend has done – he turned tail and ran away like a child because he couldn't cope with his past. Your Order, the Republic, this whole notion of 'justice and truth', as you Jedi always like to preach…what's it worth to you now? What more are you willing to sacrifice?"
Bastila's eyes turned from sadness to fury with a single blink, as she walked slowly towards him, staring right into the one good eye of the dark man who stood a full head's length over her. She grabbed him by the shirt front and ever so slightly pulled him towards her face. "We're sticking to the original plan. We find the Star Map, I find my father, and you get your pretty little pearl. Understood?"
Trask smirked darkly, the dank odour of whiskey wafting from between his lips. "The pearl's all I'm after. If you're still in this, then so am I."
"Good," Bastila whispered, releasing his shirt from her grasp as she backed away.
Having had enough of the tension, Jena exited the room, looking back as she came to the doorway. "We leave at dawn tomorrow, so be ready. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take care of my daughter."
One by one they left after Jena, first Trask with a condescending snort, then Canderous with a troubled, reflective look on his face. Stoic as ever, HK-47 walked soundlessly out of the room, intent on standing guard the entire night.
Dean did not move, his eyes fixed on Elena who would not stop shedding tears. He walked towards her alongside Bastila, hoping to calm her nerves, and knelt by her bedside, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I know how you feel, Elena. I felt the same way when I lost my mother forever. Death takes people precious to you away forever, but this…this is not the same. Don't give up hope on seeing him again."
Elena didn't seem receptive at all, instead turning her face away as she continued to cry.
As one last effort, Dean gestured towards Bastila, receiving from her Elena's pendant, which he handed to Elena. "Don't give up hope. Don't."
She looked at it for what seemed like an eternity. Slowly, a trembling hand began to reach up, and Bastila's eyes were lit with a renewed sense of optimism. Her lips parted as she began to murmur under her breath.
Don't give up.
Don't…
Then, just as the top of Elena's nails brushed against the wooden pendant, she let her hand fall into her lap again in dismay. She spun around and buried her head against her pillow, curling herself up into a ball. "There wasn't any hope to begin with. Not for any of us. Take it away…I don't need it anymore."
Disappointed, Dean sighed and turned to Bastila, placing the pendant back in her hands. "I tried," he said, then walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.
Bastila looked at Elena, her eyes narrowing as she inwardly grew frustrated with her long-time friend's lack of faith in their best friend.
How can you just give up on him, after all we've been through?
What happened to the dreams we shared? Of returning home?
If you're giving up on him so easily, then maybe you don't deserve him. If I were you, I'd—
No.
These thoughts – why did she keep having them? Not again.
Nevertheless, Bastila wouldn't give up. She would find him, just as she would find her father.
No matter the cost.
-o-
'Time heals all wounds.'
Whoever first thought of that line was a naïve and foolish one, indeed. Eyes reddened from shedding endless tears and lips feeling dry to the point of cracking, Elena lay still as she was, facing the wall. Bastila had long since quite trying to console her, instead sitting curled up in a ball on her bed with her face buried in her knees.
The door creaked open once again, instantly putting her in a worse mood as she darted her eyes sideways in a glare. If it had been anyone other than their host, she would have immediately dismissed them.
"Elena, how are you holding up?" Jena asked softly as she slowly approached the bed.
A brief silence followed before she could answer. "What does it look like? I feel as if I've lost everything. I don't have anything left…"
"Elena," Jena implored, rubbing her back. "Don't be that way. There's still hope. Things could—"
"The future I wanted is gone forever now," she sighed, squeezing her pillow. "Not only that, the Council will surely expel both me and Bastila if and when they find out what's happened and why. And now that Revan is gone, there's no way we could use his memories to defeat Malak and the Sith. There's nowhere else to turn…nothing to live for."
"What has happened has hit everyone hard," Bastila added, as Jena turned to her. "I didn't tell the crew back at the Ebon Hawk about Revan's identity – only that Kael has suddenly decided to vanish for reasons we don't know. It'll be far too much of a shock to them if we told them the truth…especially Carth."
No follow-up contact was made with the crew, and so it was unclear how they were taking in the news at the current time. Deep down, Bastila could guess that their emotions ranged from shock and disappointment in the case of Audrey, Juhani, Zaalbar and T3; deep sorrow for Mission, who came to love Kael as a big brother; and a seething sense of betrayal for Carth.
"Remember what you said to us, Bastila? About Revan's innermost emotions not having been lost?" Jena inquired.
"…Yes?" Bastila leaned forward, not quite sure where she was getting at.
"If what you told us about Revan's past, what the Council did to him and his relationship with you two is true, then I don't think all hope is lost just yet. There's definitely a chance that he may come back."
Elena turned and winced at her, slightly riled at the thought that an acquaintance could possibly make such a bold statement about her fiancé without knowing him properly. "How can you say that?"
"I know that the two of you were trying your best to look professional as Jedi, but the hints were there. The look of deep personal disappointment in himself when he laid an unconscious Bastila on the bed while you were going on and on about how you weren't strong enough to look out for her; how he tried to cheer you up while you looked down at Bastila as she lay asleep; and how the two of you shot glances at each other when the other wasn't looking during our conversation in the living room. He loves you deeply, no doubt about it. And given his history, you're pretty much all that he has left. Where's he gonna go? Where else can he settle?"
Elena remained silent, but couldn't deny that small seeds of hope were beginning to be planted over what was once a charred, barren wasteland of despair.
Seeing that her words were having an effect, Jena sat next to Elena and continued. "Out there in the Dune Sea, that wasn't the first time I've known Revan to go out of his way to save someone. I'll tell you a story about my time on Dxun. It was three days before the Republic's decisive uphill charge which finally broke our resistance. My sister and I were scouting in the jungle at around midnight, searching for signs of hidden Republic formations. All was seemingly quiet, but then my sister gasped in pain before her comlink went dead. After I rushed to her position as silently as possible, I spotted from a distance two Republic scouts tearing off her armor while she lay helplessly paralysed from a stun shot. After months of terrible carnage on that jungle planet, a lot of men on both sides simply devolved to that level. I raised my blaster to take a shot just as the troopers were about to do the unthinkable, but I was shocked by what I saw happen.
"They floated in the air, grasping at their throats before their necks broke with a sickening snap, then they fell dead. Revan himself had come, and he knelt in front of my sister, placing his hand against her neck as if to check her pulse, as she had lost consciousness. He turned his head towards the tree I was hiding behind, and I could feel his gaze burning into me, instantly guessing that my sister and I were either close friends or relatives. He just…didn't seem to care that I had my blaster pointed straight at him – just immediately began searching for any signs of wounds on my sister.
"I ran over to them and we began to talk. It felt as if we weren't even a Mandalorian and a Jedi – just two ordinary people who were trying to save a life. We found a stab wound along the back side of my sister's waist that was luckily not fatal, and Revan used the Force to heal her completely. Once we dressed my sister in her armor again, I asked him why he did what he did, even though we were the enemy. Apart from saying that the two men he killed would've been court-martialled and executed for what they had tried to do, he told me – quite glumly, I might add – that he knows what it feels like to lose someone. He said that he lost his mother to illness and that he didn't even have a chance to say goodbye, and that he'd be damned if he lost anyone else who was precious to him. Looking back on that night, I can tell right now that he was talking about the two of you. These were his very words: 'At the end of the day, family is the only thing left that's really important.'"
Elena slowly reared her head, her eyes gazing at Jena in amazement. She remembered the anxious, sleepless nights she spent in the last phase of the Mandalorian Wars, eyes glued to the continuous live updates on the Holonet for news of Revan's campaign. When he had disappeared without a trace, she stayed for hours on end in the inbound terminals of Coruscant, watching for any returning subordinates of Revan. Seemingly broken, expressionless souls wandered out of the battered and singed ships, only able to murmur 'Malachor' when posed with any question.
One by one they passed by her, the ordinary rank-and-file soldiers clearly being of little help, until at last, she saw her second-best friend, Meetra Surik, emerge from the ship. The once vibrant, cheerful and warm-hearted older sister figure Elena loved was now like ice, both in expression and touch as Elena threw around her a hug that wasn't returned in the slightest. Elena would never be able to forget the lifeless gloom on her face, let alone the haunting words Meetra spoke to her.
He's changed. Revan has changed. The man who's leading them right now…he's not the one you and I remember.
Still, Elena refused to believe anything until she saw him with her own eyes and heard him speak to her directly. Her Revan, he couldn't have become a monster like they all said. She remembered having to fight the urge to argue and scream whenever she heard someone speak ill of Revan, repeating the false claims of the Council. Revan had proven himself to her in the end, when he showed he was willing to sacrifice himself to save her and Bastila from Malak's cowardly attack.
"I…I never knew," Elena gasped, summoning the strength to raise herself from the bed. "He really said that to you?"
"Yes. He did," Jena smiled. "Trust me on this. A man like Revan? He can't go on if he feels directionless in life. He needs to feel that he has a purpose. That purpose is you two – I know it is."
Bastila approached her slightly, her eyes searching for reassurance. "You really think he'll come back? For someone who's known him for such a short time, you seem so…confident."
"Everyone needs to feel that belong somewhere, or with someone," Jena nodded. "Canderous realized it when I convinced him to return to his family and face up to his past. And judging by how many times Revan risked his own life to save you two and Mission, I'd say he's not the type to turn tail and run from his demons. He won't abandon his family – I know he won't." She reached into the pocket of her nightgown and pulled out the pendent that her husband had handed to her, dismayed that he couldn't get through to Elena in his earlier attempt. She walked forth, stopping just beside Elena's bed as she held out the precious gift. "I believe this belongs to you."
Hope slowly returning to her, Elena sat up and gratefully took back the pendent, pressing it against her beating heart. A tear trickled down her cheek as she whispered back. "Thank you…"
Jena leaned forward and gave her a silent hug, rubbing her shoulders to cheer her up. "You'll be alright. Trust me. Now…," she drew back slightly, looking Elena in the eyes, "do you think you'll be well enough to join us in our search tomorrow morning?"
Elena smiled, trying hard not to think about how dishevelled her hair and general appearance must be compared to Jena, who looked fit to be royalty in her simple, yet elegant sky blue nightgown and shimmering silver shawl. "Yes. Thank you so much for the strength you've given me."
"Good to hear. I'll see you at sunrise," Jena said, then walked back to the door, receiving a grateful expression from Bastila on the way. She stopped and gave one more message of encouragement before closing the door behind her. "Never give up on your dreams. Never."
After Jena's shadow moved past the window facing out into the courtyard, Bastila turned to Elena. "We'd best get as much rest as possible. Tomorrow will be a difficult day for all of us."
"You're right, Bastila," Elena replied, shifting herself back under the covers. "I'm so sorry for the way I overreacted tonight. It must have frustrated you a lot to see me this way, especially given the fact that you were once my Padawan. I should've been a better example for you to follow instead of letting myself be overwhelmed like this."
"We're a family, the three of us, Elena," she responded, placing a hand on her shoulder. "There's no need to bottle these things up. We'll always be there to help one another."
A weary, yet fully appreciative smile lay on Elena's face before she finally closed her eyes to sleep. "Thank you…"
"Goodnight, Elena," Bastila whispered, then withdrew to her own bed by the window. She tried her hardest to put all thoughts of Revan to the back of her mind, knowing that future encounters with Sand People may not be so lucky if she allowed herself to be distracted. She arched her aching shoulders back in one last stretch before pulling the cover of her bed aside to tuck herself in.
Until…
Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of a glistening red light from behind a pillar in the main courtyard. As the light turned rightward slightly, Bastila could make out the silhouette of the head of a shadowy figure. Clearly it was not that of HK-47, for there would have been two clearly distinguishable lights in that case. Who could it be?
It then dawned on her.
A light…
Someone's head…
Right-hand side…
A terrible, sinking feeling suddenly rippled up and down her spine in a cold shiver.
She knew what needed to be done, but reluctantly chose to retire for the night, beads of sweat beginning to dampen her pillow as she settled into her bed.
It's not time just yet…
A/N: It's good to be back at writing this story, and hopefully I haven't dipped too much in quality. Very sorry for the lack of updates since early last year (what a gap!). The past year has been extremely hectic for me, with a major exam having finished in December, hence no updates for so long as I've been constantly tired from perpetual work/study.
I've also gone through a severe depressive period in December-January, the worst I've ever been through, after our dog passed away in August and a string of mistakes and other frustrations at work during Dec-Jan that really ate away at my self-confidence, and therefore I had no motivation to write whatsoever. I'm still not 100%, with the occasional feeling of the blues coming and going, but I'm definitely better compared to January. I've recently started a new job which is definitely less stressful than my old job, so fingers crossed I'll have more energy and motivation to write nowadays.
There were definitely mixed feelings for me while writing this chapter, as I started it in January shortly after the peak of my depression, and now I've finished it in early June as I gradually became better.
There's two other main fics which I have to catch up on updates for, as it's been very long since I've written for them as well. Hopefully it won't take as long for me to write the next chapter for this story.
Also, please be sure to check out a standalone fic I wrote based on the Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy game, "All I Ever Wanted", which can be found via my profile.
Looking forward to hearing from you all again in reviews.