Chapter 41
From the Ruins
Her face and robes covered in sand, sweat and blood, Bastila trudged through the bodies of the Tusken, gingerly avoiding stepping on them as she approached her companions who were standing together in the chieftain's chamber reflecting on what had happened. To her relief, she saw no bodies of children this time, although there were indeed several female corpses strewn about.
The main party of Elena, Canderous, Jena, HK and Trask had been holed up in the same location for the entire battle, so determined were the Tusken warriors to not lose their settlement a second time that even the women among them gave their lives. Unable to retrieve their confiscated weapons, the group mounted a desperate battle using the spare blasters that HK released from his inner torso compartments, along with the barely-usable weapons taken from their slain foes. The once tall and proud throne of the chieftain lay in a pile of rubble alongside its dead occupier, after Elena used the Force to topple it so that it could be used as cover.
The feeling of relief was exceeded only by surprise once they saw Revan emerge alongside Bastila, cutting down the warriors who threatened to overwhelm them. Similar to the desert skirmish, the unarmored among them were not without wounds, but thankfully only minor once again. Elena and Bastila were in no shape themselves to heal anyone, however, being utterly exhausted from the battle.
Overcome with joy, Elena shuffled forward with what little energy she had. She clearly yearned to, but refrained from lunging into her old lover's arms, stopping in front of him instead. "Revan, you…you came back!" In doing so, she virtually neglected Bastila standing beside him with an empty expression, lips slightly ajar as she stared down at the ground.
Revan nodded and looked around at those surrounding him. "I did. It took me a long time to reflect on what happened, but in the end, I…I couldn't turn my back on you all." He looked forward and gazed directly into Elena's eyes. "Not after everything you did for me."
HK-47 seemed displeased by his response. "Observation: I believe I'm experiencing what meatbags consider 'sadness', Master. To think that another meatbag holds more sentimental value to you than this humble unit who has slaughtered alongside you through thick and thin."
A brief eerie feeling settled over Canderous and Jena, for they were staring at both a current comrade in arms as well as the man who brought the downfall of their own people. Still, Jena was the first to opt to live in the moment as she spoke hoarsely with a tired smile on her face, nursing her wounded right shoulder with her left hand. "Told ya he'd come back, didn't I?" Her smile grew into a grimmer expression when she looked at his companion. "But Bastila, why did you run off? Did you trigger this battle?"
She answered glumly, not mincing words. "My father. He's dead. Those monsters…they killed him, then tried to kill me."
"What? No!" Jena gasped as she and Elena gave Bastila stunned looks. "I mean, I started to have doubts about the chieftain after what that warrior in the desert said, but…how can this be?"
"I found his body," Bastila said, her sad eyes beginning to fill with anger. "He died not too long ago – possibly even today. I could have saved him, but was too late." She looked straight at Jena, making her feelings known. "We should have acted sooner, the moment we felt that the chieftain was clearly hiding something. You felt it as well during our negotiations, didn't you?"
Jena stammered and drew back. "Bastila, I—"
"As long as your family was safe, you didn't want to rock the boat, is that it?" she stepped forward, slowly but with aggressive intent. "Didn't see the need to press further, even though you had two Jedi, a fully-armored Mandalorian and an assassin droid backing you up?"
"Bastila," Revan said softly, attempting to allay her anger. "The blame isn't on Jena. It's my fault for not being with you. I could have stopped this had I stayed."
"Jena couldn't have known how all of this would've ended up, Bastila," Elena pleaded. "None of us could have. I'm sorry about what happened to your father. We all are. But it's just as Jena said before: you can't save everyone."
Those words pierced Bastila's heart. "But I chose to save him. I had enough time. If only I could just—!"
No.
What am I saying?
What is wrong with my head?!
She collapsed onto her knees, prompting both Revan and Elena to rush to her side to comfort her. Jena could only stare with a blank expression, her guilt eating away at her as she began to eerily shudder.
"Revan, leave her with me," Elena insisted. "You should at least go in and see the Star Map for yourself, since you're the one who's the key to all of this."
"Hmph, mind the blood splatter all over the ground as you walk in," Trask warned with a scoff, unmoved by anything that was happening around him. "As for me," he grinned, eyes turning to a shiny object that was lying still on the ground, not far from where the top of the ruined throne now rested, "I'm claiming my reward. Double bounty, at that." He stepped eagerly towards the dead chieftain's krayt dragon pearl, scooping it up in his hand before rummaging through the other treasure troves that were stashed all around him.
Ignoring the lost cause that was Trask, Revan walked into the deeper sanctum, flanked on either side by Canderous and Jena, with HK-47 following behind. The two Mandalorians were silent to the point where they made him feel uncomfortable, considering their past history. Accepting his identity also meant accepting the fact that the genocidal droid behind him was of his own making – an idea that felt completely at odds with his current mentality.
Same as Dantooine, the Star Map of Tatooine was not accessed without grueling trials and bloodshed. Once Revan placed his hand upon the stone pedestal, the central sphere levitated briefly before expanding in a brilliant spark of light, forming a visual map of the galaxy.
"Huh, that's odd. Those lines didn't show up before," Canderous remarked, pointing at a series of flashing red lines that emanated between the coordinates of Dantooine and Tatooine, while the three other notable planets were not similarly marked.
"Maybe it senses my presence," Revan guessed. "After all, I'm the only one of us who's seen the Star Map on Dantooine."
Jena shrugged. "Beats me. Elena said that she sensed the dark side of the Force in this thing, after all. Think it's responding to you, specifically?"
Canderous crossed his arms. "I don't get it. If Elena and Bastila aren't bullshitting us about you really being Revan, then why isn't this thing just pointing us to the location of the Star Forge, or whatever it's called?"
"It's strange, but…I feel completely different to the Revan I see in my visions," he explained. "The Revan in my visions, he…I feel one and the same whenever I see him. Me. But the raw power and the essence of who that Revan is…I don't feel that at all. Maybe that's partly why."
"Never any shortcuts in times like these, huh?" Jena remarked, then began rubbing her throbbing temple. "Hah. None for me and Dean, either. Just look at the shit we've got ourselves into. Who knows if and when some nutjob Tuskens come storming over to take revenge on us?"
"Jena," Canderous said softly, "I'm sorry. I truly am. We've messed this up, and there's no going back."
"Canderous," she insisted, patting him on the side of his upper-right arm. "I've told you already – don't beat yourself up over things that were beyond your control. I'm not just a pretty little housewife who happens to be handy with a blaster. I'll probably live out the rest of my life without returning to our homeworld, but at the end of the day, I'm a Mandalorian, just as you are. We're warriors. We survive. Believe me, I'll be fi—" She swayed a little, for the briefest moment, before composing herself once again.
"You okay?" Canderous whispered.
"Yeah," she nodded, straightening herself out again. "Just…not used to all this fighting ever since the end of the Wars. I'll be fine."
Having collected the data that he needed, Revan turned away from the Star Map, its light dissipating as the central sphere went back in its place. Coming back to the main audience chamber, he faced Trask who walked over to him with a content look on his face.
"Got what ya needed, milord?" the rogue spoke, gleefully fiddling with the prized pearl in his hand. His pockets were lined with ransacked treasures, virtually bulging at the seams.
"Yes," Revan replied with as straight a face as possible, ignoring the mocking jab. "It's time we left this place." He looked around, noticing that his two companions were out of sight. "Where's Bastila and Elena?"
"Told me that they were gonna retrieve that corpse they were after. Why'd they even bother with it now? Speaking of which," he grumbled for a moment, shuffling through his outer-left jacket pocket before pulling out an object reminiscent of a small metallic box in appearance, "think this might be what Bastila's lookin' for. I'd give it to her myself, but the mood she's in? She'd probably lop my head off."
"Thanks," Revan said, taking the holorecorder device from Trask's hand. Sure enough, the word 'SHAN' was written with a light-shaded marking pen. He turned his head to Canderous, Jena and HK. "Let's go."
Walking through the now ruined camp, Jena felt overwhelming revulsion at the sight of Tusken corpses which lined the corridors. Hard-pressed in combat and not having the luxury of granting the Tusken warriors dignified deaths, Bastila and Revan had stormed onward, leaving a string of severed limbs, heads, and carcasses singed and burned to a crisp by Force Lightning.
Her steps grew increasingly unsteady and she swayed side to side, leading to Canderous holding her by the arm to support her. She gave him a nod of acknowledgement and thanks before they came to the main prisoner hold, where Bastila originally spoke to the captives to know the whereabouts of her father.
Only, they were now all dead. Executed by the guards during the frenzy of battle for fear they might revolt, they lay lifeless next to their workstations, blood still dripping from gaping wounds caused by gaffi sticks.
Continuing on, they soon spotted Bastila and Elena who emerged from another chamber, each shouldering a lifeless arm of a corpse they carried out together. The man was no doubt Bastila's father, for she started weeping fresh tears and couldn't bring her head up to face the others. Once she saw Revan and the others approach, she fell to her knees unable to overcome her grief, causing Elena in turn to topple by her side.
Ander Shan's body was riddled with scars and cuts from all sorts of instruments which Jena winced at the thought of. His head drooped forward, leaving his mangy hair dangling, and his right arm seemed to be dislocated at the shoulder, causing difficulty for Elena who wanted to avoid any further harm to the body out of respect for Bastila.
"Bastila," Revan said softly, kneeling in front of her, "let me carry him for you."
She couldn't respond, but merely cried. She was supposed to be the galaxy's best hope; a shining example of a proud, valiant Jedi Knight who would protect the vulnerable. Yet here she was, a sobbing, frightened girl, blinking rapidly as if it would help her wake up from a terrible nightmare that she was convinced was false.
"Come," Elena said, shifting over and helping her up on her feet while Revan prepared to lift Ander.
"This is for you," Revan added, handing Bastila the holorecorder device. "It belonged to your father."
She took it wordlessly, looking at it with a dumbfounded expression for a while before breathing deeply in and out, clutching it to her heart. "Thank you…"
Her guilt still eating away at her, Jena turned her head ever so slightly towards Bastila as they made their way through the camp towards the entrance. The feelings of rage and sadness were far from dying down within the Jedi, and so Jena avoided speaking to her for the time being.
Despite the now freezing cold temperature of the desert night, the party welcomed the refreshing breeze of clean air that came over them once they exited the camp, finally free of the stench of death. To their initial surprise, they found that their speeders were not tampered with, but it was understandable given that all of the warriors fought to the death, refusing to leave their settlement.
Jena looked over her shoulder to glance at the ruins one last time, uncertain what the future held for her family. Starting up her land speeder, she waited for her companions to sort out their riding arrangements, given the change in events.
"You still tagging along, merc boy?" Canderous grunted at Trask. "You've got what you wanted, after all."
"Beats me. I could go either way," Trask shrugged, his scoffing voice barely audible to Jena, as if he was talking under his breath.
"Revan, will you take Ander?" Elena asked. "I can ride with Bastila and—" She continued to speak, but Jena had tuned out completely. Her eyelids grew extremely heavy, her head began to pound with pain and the world seemed to spin under her feet.
This night…is so…long…
"I will," Jena heard Revan say, his words fading out. "The best thing for us to do is…way back…Jena's home…"
Home. Yes. At last.
Can go…home…
One barely audible sigh later, Jena fell from her speeder, landing on her side upon the cold sand. Her vision grew dark, and the last thing she saw was the face of Canderous shouting her name.
-o-
Hand…holding onto mine…
Warm…
Mustering all the energy she could, Jena half-opened her eyes, to see three blurry shapes to her right. Initially having thought that she had somehow crossed into the next world, she was brought back to reality as she felt bandages wrapped around her arm which hurt to move, causing her to wince and hiss in pain.
"Jena, you're awake at last!" she heard her husband's relieved voice, accompanied by a tenderly squeeze against her hand. Once the blurriness of her vision faded away, she could see him kneeling by her bedside in their homestead, accompanied by Canderous and Revan who stood behind him.
"Dean? Wh-what happened? What time is it? Where's Amy?" she blinked as she fired one question after another, trying to recollect any memory she could. Daybreak had not yet come, and the three moons of Tatooine were still up in the sky as she looked past Revan's shoulder and out into the night sky.
"Just past 2am," he replied, then gently took and kissed her hand. "I took Amy to bed – cried herself to sleep, that one. You should thank the stars, darling. You were poisoned badly during the fight. We," he paused briefly, containing his emotions, "we thought that you wouldn't make it."
"Poisoned? H-how did that happen?" she stammered.
"Some of the Tuskens' gaffi sticks must have been tipped with venom," Canderous explained. "You fell unconscious, and when we pulled you up, Revan felt a deep gash in your arm inflicted by a blade-tip. We had no known antidotes on hand and the venom had already made its way through your bloodstream, so we had to take a gamble. We had HK crush one of the krayt dragon pearls into fine powder, mix it into water and load half of it into one of his empty dart canisters to administer like a syringe."
"Yes, I do remember Trask's comments about the pearls," Jena nodded. "But how in the hell did you manage to get one of the pearls off him? He wouldn't have given it up easily. He," she trailed off, remembering what kind of man he was, "he probably would've just left me to die."
"That was his plan," Revan sighed. "He was furious, but Bastila forced him to give up one of the two pearls he claimed for himself. We couldn't convince him otherwise."
She leaned forward. "'Forced?'"
"I never saw her do anything like that before, and neither has Elena, in all the time we've known her. She used the Force to hold him in place and threatened him to give up one pearl. It felt as if it were by…instinct. Fear of loss."
"It's not as if that asshole would've given it up willingly," Canderous grunted. "She did what was necessary if you ask me. Hell, that son of a bitch was just about ready to raise his blaster pistol at us when I told him to cut the crap and give us just one of his two pearls. He's long gone now – stormed off in anger on his speeder after giving up the pearl. HK-47 marched him out after Revan gave the order. Haven't seen or heard from that bastard since."
"How is Bastila doing?" Jena asked.
"Not good," Revan shook his head. "She's been watching over her father's body this whole time. We've decided to give her some space alone in the meantime. I…I don't know what to say."
Jena leaned forward. "What do you mean?"
"I still feel guilt, Jena. Guilt that I wasn't there to change things and help Bastila save her father before it was too late. And that doesn't even begin to compare to the things that I'm ashamed of most."
Jena blinked slowly and took a deep breath, dismayed at Revan's lingering self-hatred. "Come close." After he did so, she continued, placing her hand on top of his at the edge of the bed. "Do you know why I sent my sister away before your final assault on Dxun, so long ago? Do you know why I held my knife at Dean's throat even as he tried to save me?"
Revan shook his head silently.
"Shame. Guilt. Just as you feel about yourself right now. I wanted to die as I had brought dishonor to not only myself, but my entire clan and people, according to our beliefs. I had broken the Resol'nare on Dxun by not being able to protect my sister from harm. Worst of all, and even though you may not remember it, it was you who showed her mercy and killed two of your own soldiers who were trying to take advantage of her. I thought I was useless as a warrior, and that I deserved to die.
"So, I stayed, eagerly waiting for someone to put me out of my misery, whether it was quick or long and painful. But that never came. Instead, I was given a new lifeline by you and Dean. And do I deserve it, after the life I've led up to this point? The people I've killed and the worlds I helped conquer during the Mandalorian Wars?"
Jena's words hit a mark with Canderous who observed that Revan was still not fully convinced, insistent on taking blame. "Still, I can't just—"
"You can't change the past, Revan. Only the present," she said. "Do you think Dean wasn't aware of the fact that I killed so many Republic soldiers as well as people who fought simply to protect their own homes? Despite knowing that, he still gave me a second chance at life, and look where that's led me. How are you and I different? By all rights, we both should have seen the firing squad, but we didn't. All because we have people in our lives who cared enough to grant us that second chance. People who believe in us."
Unlike Dean who smiled with pride, Revan looked down out of shame. He remembered Bastila's words to him the previous night, where she spoke passionately about how Elena begged and fought with the High Council to spare his life – a move which could have, if it had not already, exposed the truth about her feelings towards him to the Council members, thus risking her own expulsion from the Jedi Order.
"You're right, Jena," Revan admitted. "I have to set things right. For everyone's sakes."
Jena beamed and touched his cheek. "I know you will. Just like how Elena feels, I know that you'll do the right thing. Despite what most of the galaxy might think of you, Revan, deep down I've always known from that night on Dxun that you're a good man."
A peaceful silence followed, after which Canderous took a subtle cue and gave Revan a nudge. "Let's give them some alone time now that she's awake." He stood up and walked to the door, looking back before closing the door behind him and Revan. "We'll see you in the morning."
After a silent nod from the couple, the two men walked into the main courtyard, an uncomfortable silence settling over them as they turned and stared at each other. It was their first lone encounter since the revealing of the truth, with both men looking like a mere shadow of their former selves.
"It's funny," Canderous said. "Last time we spoke, you threatened to behead us all, yet here we are."
Revan's eyes narrowed in confusion. "I'm sorry?"
"Those were the words you, Revan, said to Cassus Fett at the negotiating table after the death of Mandalore. The day when you took everything from us and left us as an empty shell – our fleets dismantled, weapons confiscated and pride forever lost. Back when you were still the Revan I remember. But now?" he looked the man up and down. "Now you look like a lost pup, trying to find his way and get back up on his feet, all the while his front and rear legs are tied against each other with rope."
Former Dark Lord? Sith? Jedi? Republic puppet? It didn't matter now. Revan was his own person once again, and he answered in the same manner. "I know what I have to do, Canderous. Jena helped make that clear – I have to set things right again."
"That's not what I meant," Canderous corrected him. "I'm not talking about what you're going to do, but rather how. Everyone that's leaving this planet aboard the Ebon Hawk has made up their mind on the fact they're going to fight the Sith – that much is certain, even for the young kid who might end up in a worse place than a freezer room if she's not careful. The question is, how are you going to fight, and what path is it going to lead us?"
"With you all by my side, of course. I'm not running again."
"And shocking and torturing the hell out of those who stand in your way with the Force to make it quick and easy for yourself? Is that it? Fighting the Sith while tapping into the very powers that unleashed them on the galaxy in the first place?"
Revan was unable to speak. He recalled how he used Force Lightning against the Tusken who charged at him as he sought to rescue his companions. How easy it was to kill them, and the brief, yet terribly frightening dark satisfaction that it brought him to know that his enemies were completely at his mercy.
"I'll keep it brief," Canderous stated. "I won't give you an entire lecture or oral thesis on how you should behave, like that timid fiancé of yours is so used to doing. The only thing I want to say to you is that you should think carefully about your choices from here on out – Jena's opened my eyes on that.
"I followed Mandalore's ways; his vision, his desires and his goals, until one day I realized that I had nothing left. An estranged wife and son, a shattered people, and a dead niece. I desperately chased glory on the field of battle, my hunger growing with each engagement, but ultimately, I felt nothing but emptiness. When I look at Jena, I think about how things could have been had I followed the right path. And what did I get for making the wrong decision? I was forced to watch our people become a bunch of powerless, shackled sheep at the hands of the man who was wearing my own niece's mask."
"And yet…you're still here," Revan remarked. "Trask ran away out of spite, but you have a legitimate reason to leave now – to protect your own family that's waiting for you. Why are you still here, knowing who I am and what I did?"
"I told you, didn't I? Everyone here's got a stake in defeating the Sith. If I don't fight, those bastards are going to bleed my people dry by using them as mercenaries, whether they're brought to serve willingly or not. And…," he peered down, his voice going uncharacteristically quiet, "for the Cathar."
"Juhani? Why's that?"
Canderous sighed long and hard before answering. "I couldn't protect my niece; the least I can do now is to protect what she died for." He turned and looked in the direction of Bastila's room across the courtyard. Elena was leaning against a pillar on her own, arms crossed and head sunk down. "Now you better go over there and try to do something about her. If she doesn't pull herself together soon, it'll mean trouble. Hell knows, we're not out of the woods yet on this planet."
"Sure," Revan nodded and walked past the Mandalorian. Every step he took upon the coarse sand of the courtyard created an audible crunch, and yet Elena acted as though she was completely oblivious of his approach – or, rather, too ashamed to look at him. "Hey," he said, gradually gaining her full attention as she turned her head.
"How's Jena? Will she be ok?"
"Yeah. She's regained consciousness just now. She just needs rest, and she should be back to normal in a few days' time."
Elena sighed deeply. "I'm glad. I thought I…." She trailed off, a pained expression on her face.
Revan stood in front of her and whispered, gently holding the side of her upper arm. "Are you ok?"
A long moment of silence followed, before Elena finally spoke. "I've been thinking," she replied, staring at the ground. "How things could have gone so differently to how they are now. If I had followed my heart and stayed by your side instead of listening to the Council and leaving you to go to war alone. I wasn't strong enough to join you then." She gazed up at him, finally forcing herself to do so. "It turns out that I'm still not strong enough to follow you now."
"What do you mean?" he asked, holding her hand. "Of course you are. You—"
"Almost cost you your life aboard the Endar Spire. Put you in unnecessary danger in the Taris Undercity. Was a pathetic teacher to you on Dantooine. And now, on this planet? Don't even get me started. I've…I've always been like this, ever since we were young," she sighed, recalling their past days. "I became a shamble every time I had to step up to take on a task on my own. A powerless burden."
"It's not about power or talent, Elena," Revan insisted. "No-one is expecting you to protect everyone from all harm. There's not a person in this world who can do something like that."
"That's…exactly what you said to me, Revan," she murmured.
Revan was puzzled. "What?"
"On that day when we captured you. When you almost sacrificed your own life to save us from Malak's surprise attack," she remarked, shifting forwards to him. "Back then, you said it yourself: you promised to protect us from all harm if only we would join you, with me becoming your empress and Bastila your heir. Tonight, you showed shades of the Sith Lord that we all feared, when you used the power of Force Lightning to kill the Tusken. Why did you do it, Revan?"
"I…," he stammered, hesitant to answer honestly before relenting, finding himself unable to lie to her, "I did it because I felt that I had no other choice. The situation was dire. I wasn't even sure if I would make it in time to save you. I thought I'd lose you if I didn't…"
Elena took a while to take everything in. Having come to understand Revan's motivations, she nodded and leaned back once again. "I see. That explains everything."
"I…don't understand."
"It explains what happened to you. What forced you to become the Dark Lord in the first place. I remember what Dean and Jena told us about the battle of Dxun – how desperate it was, and to what lengths it drove you all to. Despite being dependable and a good friend, Meetra alone couldn't keep the light in you intact. I…," she sighed, still not having forgiven herself for her choice so long ago, "I should have gone with you. Both Bastila and I.
"When you first said that you were leaving to join the war, I told you that the best course was to listen to the Masters and stay put. Truthfully, deep down, I chose to stay because I'm a coward. I thought I'd only be a burden to you with my meager strength and abilities and get you in harm's way. But now I see where that led to. Instead of staying by your side to support you in your darkest moments, I left you to fight alone. You lost hope, and that's why you gave in and harnessed the raw power of the dark side in order to survive. Even Bastila did something similar today."
"I felt the same way tonight," Revan admitted. "Fear got the better of me, and I wanted to have absolute control over everything around me. I don't know what would've happened to me had you died."
The mention of death tugged at Elena's heart as she stared at the nearby closed door, behind which Bastila was watching over the body of her father. "I'm tired of this, Revan. Tired of other people paying the price for my failures." She briefly closed her eyes, her right hand's fingers curling up into a fist before she gave him a determined look. "From now on, whether I succeed or fail, I'm going to fight. I can't afford to be weak anymore. I won't let others suffer because of me, and I won't leave you to face the darkness alone. And that is why," she reached behind her head with both hands, removed the pendent that was strung around her neck and held it out in front of him, "I'm giving this back to you."
"That thing…you said it belonged to my mother. It was my engagement present to you. Why give it back?"
"Because I'm not deserving of it. Not yet. I've…treated you badly, Revan. Strung you along all this way without telling you the truth until two nights ago. Even then, I acted selfishly; I was so fixated on how you would react to me, and what it would mean for myself. I didn't take your feelings into account. When I first told you of the truth behind this pendent without telling you of your true identity, I saw how hurt you were inside."
"But I've forgiven you for that. It was a hard thing, to put yourself on the spot like that. Looking back on it myself, there really wasn't any one good time for you to have told me the truth." He gently pushed the pendent back over her heart. "It's still yours, Elena. It's a symbol of our engagement. Regardless of what pain I felt, I…I can't imagine my life without you."
"There's one more reason why I want you to keep it," Elena said, pushing back. "You may not remember it, but years ago on the day you left me, you promised me that you'd return from the war the same man as I remembered you being. I felt betrayed by how you changed, Revan, but at the same time I betrayed you as well, by choosing to cower in fear instead of being there for you. I put all the burden on you, while expecting a perfect world to be gifted to me in return. I want to set things right. Even if I can't fight for my own survival, I want to fight for your soul."
Revan knew that there was no convincing her otherwise. He silently accepted and stared at the pendent which now lay in his hand. "What does this mean for us?"
"I'll always love you, and I still want to be your wife," she said, moving closer and tenderly placing her hands on the sides of his arms. "I just want to earn your love by keeping up my share of our promise. Once we stop Alek—" she corrected herself, downheartedly, "Malak, I mean, and you're still the good man that you are now, then I'll know that I've succeeded and am worthy of your love."
Revan smiled. "You know, I'd be lying if I said that the main reason why I returned wasn't because of you. Whether my mind was telling me that I was Kael Deren or Revan, it didn't matter; you've always been there for me and believed in me. Thank you, Elena. I love you."
Having not heard those three words after so many months, Elena struggled to keep her tears at bay as she instinctively leaned in towards him, a longing sigh escaping from her lips. But then, just as she was about to close in for a kiss, she remembered the more pressing matter at hand. "I'm sorry, but if we do this, I don't think I'd be able to stop," she whispered into his ear, her cheek rubbing against his. "Right now, Bastila comes first; please check on her. She may not admit it, but…she still blames Jena and I for her father's death. Only you can comfort her."
"Got it," he nodded, giving her a quick but heartfelt hug that was reciprocated. As Elena retired to a separate room, Revan took a deep breath before knocking gently on Bastila's door. "Bastila, it's…it's me, Revan. May I come in?"
Silence. Not a single stir could be heard from within.
"Bastila?" he repeated a little louder. After what felt like an age, the door slowly creaked open, revealing a pale woman with bloodshot, tear-drenched eyes. Her knees were trembling, and she seemed barely able to keep herself up. She didn't say a word, simply retreating into the room and allowing Revan to come in after her. A lone bedside table lamp stood as the only source of light in the room, illuminating the bed which hosted the wrapped body of her father.
The gentle whistle of the wind was the only thing that could be heard as the two of them knelt in front of Ander Shan's remains. Next to the pillow lay the holorecorder, unopened from its original state, along with a wrapped pouch which contained the crushed fragments of the krayt dragon pearl left over after healing Jena.
"Are you going to be okay?" Revan spoke, reaching over and placing his hand on hers, which lay motionless against her knees. He half-expected her to ward it away, but she did not object.
"I still remember him from the days we were still together. Those were the happiest days of my life," she said, a tear rolling down her face. "We were never rich – on the contrary, we only ever had just enough to get us to the next destination, never settled in one place. None of our bellies were ever full, but I never noticed it. Every day spent with him felt like a treasure. The places we saw, the time he would push me as I rode my favorite swing, the way he'd smile and hug me tight every time I ran to him when he came back from his hunts…I still remember them. I wanted to recall those memories with him. Now I never can."
Revan gave her a long moment to let her thoughts flow, before replying. "I'm sorry. This is my fault. I was so focused on the revelation of my identity when I abandoned you, and…I didn't think to remind myself of why we came to this place."
"I know I had the power to save him," Bastila replied, her tone simultaneously hushed yet almost viciously firm. "I only had to do what was needed; what my heart was screaming at me to do while we negotiated with the chieftain. But I was too weak.
"I broke every promise I made to my father on the day I left for the Order. It was over twenty years ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday. He told me what the Jedi stood for in the galaxy – peace, justice and to protect the helpless. I promised him that I would be a good Jedi, and most importantly, I told him that I'd come back to see him. And now? Now I've failed everything. I couldn't save his life, and worst of all…I gave in."
"Gave in?"
"In the battle against the Tusken before you returned, I was forced twice to tap into my darkest emotions just to survive – I would have died if I hadn't. It felt so wrong, so twisted, and yet…just. I felt free. Free to right all the wrongs in this world as I saw fit. I experienced a feeling that I never held before in my life – I wanted to kill. And if that feeling could keep me alive to accomplish what I wanted, it was what I was going to let drive me."
Revan felt his skin go cold. He now started to understand why she carried out the shocking deed of threatening Trask to give up the pearl. "Bastila, you don't mean that. You—"
"I do. I understand everything perfectly now. I feel what you felt when you were abandoned by the Republic during the war against the Mandalorians. Only your power and will kept you alive then, and it helped us once again tonight. Didn't you feel the same when you used Force Lightning after so long?"
"Bastila," he whispered, "please, stop. As much as we go against everything that the Jedi Order preaches when it comes to bonds and listening to our own hearts, this isn't you. It's—"
"It is me, Revan," she declared, her eyes virtually glaring at him. "This is who I am, and I can't deny it any longer. Light or dark, these things don't matter to me anymore. I won't kneel to the Jedi Council while the world burns around me, ever again. I won't let the people I love die in order to adhere to any Code. Nothing matters if you can't fight to protect what's precious to you. From this day onward, I am no Jedi. I will help save this galaxy in my own way, regardless of whether or not the Jedi Order approves."
Headstrong and stubborn – just like her father.
The words of Bastila's mother reminded Revan that there would be no convincing her otherwise. "You're right, Bastila. After all we've been through, we can't keep pretending to be something we're not. We know what it's like to trust our own instincts, to feel, to love. I accept that you see that we've all got to fight in our own way, but I want you to promise me one thing."
"What is it?" she said, her tone and eyes having softened.
"Never let the darker part of your feelings consume you, like I once did. I left Republic space a hero, only to return as a monster. I wrongfully thought that everyone had abandoned me, or were ready to betray me at a moment's notice. It turned me into something unimaginable. Keep strong, and also remember that we'll always be there for you – Elena and I."
The mention of her name struck a lingering nerve in Bastila, but she stayed calm for Revan's sake. She accepted his request with a silent nod, then looked once more upon the body of her father. It wasn't long until her gaze strayed towards the holorecorder that lay beside the pillow.
"You haven't opened it yet?" Revan asked.
She shook her head. "I couldn't bring myself to. The thought of hearing his voice after all these years, knowing that it'll be his final words…it kills me inside."
Revan was surprised that the fiery determination in her eyes died down the moment she thought of opening the device. "I know you're strong enough, Bastila," he said, laying his hand on her back. "You've been through painful and tough times many times before. You were determined to save me, despite the fact that I betrayed everything I once stood for. It took strength to stand up to me then, and I believe you have the strength to do this now."
After a lengthy silence, Bastila extended her hand and reached for the holorecorder. She held the small box in front of her and looked at it for a while, sighing before twisting open the lock mechanism. A holo-interface shimmered into view, prompting Bastila to select the last known recording for playback.
Before her appeared the face of her father, still alive and in poor condition. He looked exhausted and unshaven for days, with small particles of sand clinging to bits of his facial hair. Lying down in a prone position in front of the holorecorder in a tent, his hands which lay under his face trembled with a combination of fear and fatigue.
"It's been twelve days since we ventured out here into the Dune Sea of Tatooine, searching for the legendary krayt dragon pearl. We started this expedition with fifteen men. Only five now remain – my long-time hunting companions Dom and Warren, myself, and two others. The others all abandoned us after the first skirmish with the Tusken, not wanting to risk their lives for the treasure we're looking for.
"We're…almost completely out of provisions. We can only afford to explore the area for one more day before we are forced out of necessity to return to Anchorhead. The others I'm willing to part with, so that they can return safely. But as for me…this is the only way.
"Helena, my love, I don't know if I will succeed – I likely won't. I don't know if I'll even return alive. The only thing I know is that I can't give up on you. Not when you've given me so much love and happiness in the time we spent together. I still remember the day we became engaged – your parents didn't approve of me, and I couldn't help but agree with them. The daughter of a well-to-do family, choosing to be married to a mostly luckless treasure hunter. But despite how little I was of worth in their eyes, you still chose to love me, even though you knew that we would never truly have a comfortable life. For that, I will always love you, and will never stop fighting for you.
"Bastila, my darling, my light, I…I may never see you again. Neither you or your mother may even find this recording. But whatever might happen to me, I want you to know that…I'm so proud of you. Day by day, we saw reports on the HoloNet recounting your deeds. Your mother and I felt so much pride, knowing that you became the great Jedi you promised to be, fighting to protect others – to do what is right. I guess that's also why I embarked on this mission, even though I knew the risks.
"Even before I took on this journey, I knew that your mother would beg me not to. She wanted to go peacefully, to spend the days she had left in this world happily by my side. But I couldn't let that happen. Not when I knew that you were out there, constantly risking your life for a good cause. I couldn't sit idly by and watch someone I love die, when I had the power to do something about it. I have to do something.
"I…I miss you. I want to see you again, my darling. But just as you make me proud by being the great Jedi you are, I want to make you proud in turn by saving your mother. The thought of facing you after having done nothing to save her is something that I'd be eternally ashamed of, if it came to pass. In one way or another, tomorrow will decide everything. Everything rides on this one day now.
"Helena, Bastila…no matter what happens, no matter what may become of me, know that I love you, more than anything in the world. I always will."
The hologram dissipated, but Bastila made no effort at all to close the holorecorder, instead leaving it open in her hand. She remained motionless, her lips slightly agape as she stared at the device.
"She…she told the truth. M-mother, I…!" she gasped, bursting into tears. "What have I done?"
A/N: This will almost certainly be the last chapter I get to release for any of my stories until at least August of this year. Studying for the CFA Level 3 exam scheduled for June means that I have pretty much no time for anything else, and I'll be needing a break afterwards. Hopefully the next update won't be too far off after that.
It was a real challenge writing this chapter, since I spent a lot of time deciding just how everyone would come to grips with what they had just been through, how they would respond to Revan's identity, and the challenges Revan would have to face going forward while working with them. I wanted to add more dimensions and motivations for each character in comparison to the game which felt like it simply split the party between those who like you (Mission, Zaalbar, Canderous, HK and T3), Juhani who is in disbelief, Jolee who surprisingly acts indifferent, and Carth who begrudgingly goes along with you.
I was originally going to have HK-47 have a humorous moment with Revan, but cut that out as it felt inappropriate tone-wise to include in the middle of all the serious conversations with Jena, Canderous, Elena and Bastila.
It feels like it's been an incredibly long journey since I first started this fic so many years ago, and yet we're only just close to the end for Tatooine. Many KotoR writers have dropped out and I've also not updated any of my other longfics for several years, but this has definitely been my favorite to write, and I don't plan on abandoning it anytime soon.
Looking forward to bringing you the next chapter, as always!