"Life as a Dyad"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 15

"Hey Gavin," Tai greeted once Gavin's parents dropped him off at his apartment. She reached over and gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder. "Are you . . . well, are you doing okay?"

Gavin shrugged. "Well, I survived the attack."

"I didn't ask that," said Tai, staring into his eyes, her bare feet shuffling in the carpet. "I asked if you were doing okay."

Gavin let out a long sigh, wriggling out of his own shoes. "I've been better. The guy, he said some stuff . . ."

Tai frowned, her eyes widening. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He hadn't planned on telling any of his roommates about what the attacker said, but as he looked into Tai's caring eyes, the whole story came out, including how he couldn't stop thinking about how the attacker said he was brainwashed.

Once he was finished, Tai wrapped her arms around him. "I'm sorry," she said. "That's gotta suck. Like, really, really suck. I mean, I never knew your dad when he was Kylo Ren, but he seemed pretty nice when he was here - and really sad, you know? I can't even imagine what kind of hell it must be to have to live with everything he did back then."

Gavin couldn't answer. He just hugged Tai back, letting a sob escape.

. . .

"I ordered dinner," Rey said as she entered the living room. "You can pick something for us to watch if you want."

She stopped in her tracks when she realized that Ben was sitting on the couch, gazing forlornly at the family holos on the wall. "There," he said, pointing up at one of the holos, "when was that taken?"

Rey looked up at the holo in question - it was of Gavin playing with Paige and Landa when they were little. "I think Gavin was twelve or thirteen. We used to babysit Rose and Jannah's kids and Gavin loved playing with them."

Ben took a deep breath as he pointed at another holo, this one of Gavin standing in a grassy field, holding a ball up. "How about that one?"

"That's when he was six, during his first Force seminar. That ball was the first thing he'd ever levitated."

Ben nodded. "Yes, I remember you telling me about that." Another inhale as he pointed at another holo. "And that one?"

This holo was of Gavin standing between his uncles in front of a large fish tank in which a giant gooberfish swam. "That's when he was ten and Finn and Poe took us to the aquarium. I was there too, but I was taking the holo." Finally she sat next to her husband, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. "Sweetheart, what happened, it's okay. I shouldn't have pushed us to go out so soon."

"It's not your fault." Ben sounded like he was swallowing a sob, but still he gazed up at the holos, sucking in another haggard breath. "It's wrong for me to grieve all this, isn't it?"

"Grieve what?"

He gestured up at the holos. "This. All this. I shouldn't wish I was with you all those times." A hard swallow. "I brought my years in prison on myself and I should be thankful that I got out at all. I already have much more than I deserve." He sniffled. "It's wrong for me to be selfish and wish . . ." He trailed off, as if merely saying anything more was taboo.

Rey stroked her husband's shoulder, wishing she knew what to say. "I wish you could have been there too," she whispered in a feeble voice, "but things . . . just didn't work out that way."

"I brought it on myself," said Ben. "I know. I'm just whining."

"Ben . . ."

"You shouldn't have married me."

Rey felt her face hardening. "Don't say that." Her grip on his shoulder tightened. "Ben, when I married you, I knew it would be difficult. Even though Gavin was only five at the time, he understood that it would be difficult too. We were both willing to go through with it because we love you."

"I don't deserve love!" he shouted, suddenly flinching away from her touch. "I've been hearing it for twenty years - 'oh Ben, I forgave you a long time ago,' 'oh Ben, you're not that person anymore,' 'oh Ben, we love you no matter what' - well does any of that matter when the innocent people I killed are still dead? Including . . ."

Once again he trailed off, a sob stuck in his throat, and Rey didn't need the Force to know who he was referring to.

"Ben . . ." Rey whispered again, though she wasn't sure what she was going to say afterwards.

"And even if I did deserve this," Ben interrupted, "I'm still a burden! I can't do something as simple as ride a speeder without getting dizzy! I can't go to a holofilm without having a panic attack! How can we even try to have a normal life?"

"Our lives have never been normal."

"You know what I mean!"

There was a tense silence for several moments afterwards, during which Rey tried to send him soothing feelings through the Force only to feel herself being pushed back. "Ben," she finally said, "your parents had panic attacks too."

His body stiffened at the mention of his parents.

"Don't act surprised," Rey continued, remembering the many times she'd dreamed about lying in bed between Leia and Han only for one of them to wake up screaming. "I've seen your memories and your mother used to tell me stories. I know about how both your parents sometimes suffered panic attacks."

"It was different for them," Ben muttered. "Mom didn't choose to have her planet destroyed and Dad didn't choose to get taken in by an abusive gangster. I chose my actions!"

Rey let out a sigh through her nose. "Well . . . I also talked to your therapist. He said he could have an emergency appointment with you tomorrow. He can even do it over the comm so you won't have to ride a speeder."

Ben said nothing.

She sighed again, wanting to embrace him but figuring that he needed some space right now. "Well, an appointment with him is a start, at least."

With that, D-O rolled into the living room, craning his neck up a them. "Here," he said. "F-Food is here."

Rey managed to smile at the little droid. "Thank you, D-O. I'll go get it."

As she rose from the sofa, she caught sight of the droid tilting his head at Ben. "S-Sad?" he asked.

Ben gave another sniffle. "Yes," he said. "Sad."

. . .

"BEN SOLO!"

Ben jolted awake, his bleary eyes opening in time to see his wife storming into the bedroom from the adjacent refresher. "Huh?" he mumbled. "What's going on?"

Rey was glaring down at him, hands on her hips. "You left the seat up!"

"Seat?" Ben yawned, wondering if she was intentionally talking in riddles or if there was something obvious he wasn't getting. "What seat?"

Rey groaned, looking at him as if he'd asked what two plus two was. "The toilet seat!"

Ben yawned again. "I did? Well, I was tired last night, I guess I could have, but why is that a problem?"

"It's gross, that's why!"

As he pushed himself to a sitting position and looked up into his beautiful wife's glaring eyes, Ben suddenly found himself snickering. In less than a second, the snicker turned into a chortle and the chortle turned into a full-on laugh.

"What?" Rey asked. "What's so funny?"

"Look at us," Ben said between bursts of laughter. "We're arguing about the toilet seat! Like a normal couple!"

For a moment Rey stared at him as if she thought he was crazy, but then the laughter started overtaking her as well. "You're right! We are arguing like a normal couple!"

They laughed together, relishing in the moment of feeling normal.