Bitches Love Spaceships.

By SardonicEffigy

Salem was not normally bored, but she found herself not knowing what to do with herself now that most of her minions were away on missions.

Cinder had finally left the nest and was now chasing after some girl that got her all hot and bothered, Salem wasn't one to judge. Hazel had left to go punch something or someone, honestly she couldn't care which. Walter… wait, what was his name? Wyoming? Wendigo? Why? Whatever his name was, he had gone to do… a thing. Tyrian was out as well, gone to murder something no doubt.

In all, it left her with very little in the way of entertainment. She had long since grown fond of their bickering... not that she would ever tell them that.

And it was because of this that she found herself pursuing an app on her phone.

RemnantHarmony, a moronic application based around finding potential mates. Salem rolled her eyes at the concept even as she searched through the list of profiles of poor unfortunate losers. She had decided to use one of those accursed filters installed on her scroll by William, apparently a marvel of technology that managed to make her look human. She had laughed at him when he told her, but it had proven useful. Mostly for ordering pizzas to the castle, but still.

As she shifted through waves of single dads and Professors hyped up on coffee she spotted one at the bottom. General Lovin'?...Hmmm, you certainly sound interesting… a long history… and a nice body. I… don't see the harm in talking with you… only talking of course.

The small scroll in her hand vibrated a moment later as she received a message from her potential mate.

"I'll be up front about this, I have no idea what I'm doing. A working colleague of mine recommended this site after saying I needed to blow off some steam. I hadn't really expected to get any messages back, certainly not from someone as beautiful as yourself. While I hadn't initially intended anything to come of this, I can't help but ask. Would you like to go out sometime?"

Hey there hot stuff, wanna hook up? Salem read the message in her mind. That… would be a very bad idea. Her eyes looked out over the empty throne room as she continued to think. Then again… no one really knows what I look like with Ozma keeping me a secret and all… and I should be able to make myself look like I do in that filter, for a time at least.

Her mind made up, Salem replied. She could appreciate a straightforward man.

The terminal blinked for a second as the response came through.

"I'm free this weekend."

Richard was overjoyed, a small smile coming to his face. Thomas had insisted he needed to "get laid" but he hadn't given the idea any serious thought. He'd only set up the account in the first place so that Thomas would leave him alone. He hadn't expected the wave of matches that poured in, almost being underwhelming at best.

But she's… different, I can tell.

He read over her profile again, trying to piece together the best possible first date.

Interests include: real estate, politics, Grimm studies, and world domination. Richard chuckled softly to himself. A sense of humour was hard to find, most people he knew having a stick so far up their ass that his jokes went over their head. As he kept reading through her profile, he could hardly believe what he was seeing, she sounded perfect. Scrolling back up to the top, he looked at her profile picture again. Beautiful blonde hair, smooth pale skin, and a face most people would die for, but it was her eyes that grabbed him the most. Blue irises with white scleras, there was a look behind them however. Determination, a fire that burned within that he felt he could see, and it was a trait that he admired more than any other.

I have a good feeling about this one. Richard envisioned all the dates and fun the two could have. Maybe Thomas had the right idea… well, partially anyways.

Richard was nervous, he had every right to be. He was about to meet up with a beautiful, unique, charming, driven woman, what was there to be concerned about? The flowers.

Call him old fashioned, he knew it fit, but he liked to consider himself a romantic, and a romantic must always bring flowers, chocolates too, but thanks to some of the Marines, those weren't an issue. There was just the one tiny little problem.

"How are you sold out of flowers?" Richard doubted the girl behind the counter was to blame, but she was the only one there and thus earned his anger.

"W-we sold them all?" The girl was clearly trying to calm him down, though failing spectacularly.

Richard let out a soft sigh. "Fine just… order some from a different store or something, I'll pick them up. Just reserve them for me an-" He didn't get to finish before being interrupted by the girl mumbling something quietly. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

"We aren't out." The girl refused to make eye contact.

For a moment, he doubted if he had heard her correctly. "If you aren't out, then what the hell is the pro-"

"The Kingdom is out."

The store was silent for a moment while Richard tried to comprehend the meaning of her statement.

"The city. Of Vale. Is out of flowers… as in the whole city?"

"No, of course not."

Ricahrd allowed himself to relax for a moment.

"The entire Kingdom of Vale is out of flowers." The girl said, making direct eye contact for the first time.

"How?!"

"Are you certain they're enough?" Salem asked looking out over the warhouse filled to the brim with flowers and arrangements from across the land.

"Jessica! Scream if you can hear me!" Came the call of one of the White Fang members she had borrowed to help gather all the flowers, attempting to unbury those who had been slow and weak enough to get trapped under the mass of foliage.

"I think so, Mistress." Salem always appreciated Tryian's honesty. "Though I must ask, will your date be coming here, or will we need to move the flowers?"

In truth Salem hadn't actually considered that, she had been so preoccupied in gathering the flowers that she had failed to see the problem. She looked out over the warehouse once more.

"I found her! Quick help me pull her out!" The Faunus all flocked to their companion. "She's not breathing! JESSICA NOOOOO!"

"Of course not you fool, I merely wanted to have a wide selection to choose from." Salem walked over to one of the smaller piles of the colorful plants. "I can't maintain my disguise all day after all, and I'm told people aren't comfortable seeing me. I guess people these days are just too jealous to handle me."

"A brilliant idea, Mistress. Shall I aid you in your search?" Tyrian asked. He was a wise man, for he could both see and appreciate her brilliance.

"This requires a ladies touch I'm afraid, something more... personal. I'm sure you understand." Salem leaned down and picked up a bundle of white roses. "These should work."

"A wise choice, Mistress. Have you thought about a dress?"

Salem winced, Tryian winced, the White Fang winced, Jessica winced.

"She's alive!"

The time had come, Richard had made all of the necessary preparations, made a reservation, found a good suit, and had even managed to get some flowers. It had taken Onyx Team nearly six hours and a trip halfway across Remnant, not to mention a good chunk of the Dominion's ammunition supplies, but it had been worth it. Now came the easy part, the part where all he had to do was wait, stay come, focused, aware o-

"I can't do this." Richard closed his eyes and brought a hand to his face. "I am not ready to date! What if she doesn't like me? What if she thinks I'm too up tight or strict? Worse! What if she doesn't like the flowers?!"

"Sir, I merely asked if you wanted your parking slip validated?" The attendant behind the stand spoke, but Richard didn't have the time to listen to his unreasonable speech. He had far greater concerns.

Here he was, standing outside the fanciest restaurant in town waiting for his date, his beautiful date might he add. He had no idea what to say, what to expect or how to act. It was a little embarrassing honestly, he knew how to launch a nuke, how to fly and command a Prowler, how to properly assassinate a target, how to commit a war crime, and yet he had never learned to talk to girls.

Richard gasped in horror. "What if she doesn't match the profile?!"

He heard the sound of screaming from down the street and his attention was drawn to the sight of a lone Ursa sprinting down the street. How it got there was not his concern, neither was the fact it was barreling right towards him. The only thing he could focus on was the woman riding the beast.

She wore a gorgeous black dress that contrasted with her skin perfectly. Her blonde hair was kept in a gorgeous style that stopped it from getting in the way of her beautiful face. She seemed to almost raditate with a sense of stunning, utter confidence that he had never seen before.

She rode the beast up to the main entrance of the restaurant and looked around for a moment, searching through the various people around her, as if looking for one in particular.

That's her… it has to be! Richard thought. There was nobody else who it could have possibly been, nobody else could've had that kind of stunning entrance. He looked around to make sure no one else was going to try and approach her, to his astonishment everyone but the clerk had run away. They'd clearly been intimidated by her radiant beauty. No, beauty doesn't do her just. She is so much more.

"Are you General Lovin'?" She looked down to him with the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen, so filled with life and something almost magical.

He was absolutely mesmerized with her every movement, so much so that he couldn't speak. Instead he merely offered a hand to help her down from the gentle beast. When he did so a smile spread across her face that reminded him of the first time he had seen a sunrise on Earth. A natural beauty that nothing in the galaxy had ever been able to compare too until this vary moment.

The clerk at the counter coughed, giving Richard the nudge he needed to find his words. "Are you Salem1786?" She nodded as a small blush came to her cheeks.

"All the lower numbers were taken." Salem chuckled nervously though Richard failed to notice, to him it was one of the best sounds he had ever heard.

Taking her arm, he began to lead her into the restaurant but before they could go through the door, she stopped and went over to the clerks desk.

"Do you validate parking?" Salem asked the clerk.

The man looked to the Grimm standing before him, it looked back. The two made eye contact for a moment before the Grimm flinched and looked away.

"Yes, m'lady. Would you like me to park him for you?" The clerk's eyes stayed firmly on the beast.

"Oh I would be very grateful. Here you are." She briefly patted the Grimm on the head. "You be good Reginald, and stay out of trouble." She handed the clerk a pair of keys and then retook Richard's arm, finally heading back into the restaurant.

The Clerk stared at the keys, stared at the beast, then back at the keys. "Another Grimm mode of transportation… well, to the reserved parking you go." The clerk hopped on the back of the Grimm and rode it to the special parking place.

Salem was nervous, for potentially the first time in her very very very very very very long life… though if her date asked, she was twenty-eight. She couldn't quite put her finger on it but every time her date spoke her stomach got tied up in knots as if a spell had been cast over her. True the two had never spoken in person before now, but they had spent many hours talking over their scrolls and yet now was the first time she felt so strange.

He was handsome, she would easily admit that. He cut a dashing figure in the suit he wore, a trim figure with a nice butt to boot. It was only when he spoke though, that she found herself unable to sit still.

"What can I get you?" A waitress directed her attention to Richard and Salem felt her hand twitch slightly.

"I'll have the… soup." Every second that her date spent talking to the waitress was just another second that he wasn't spending with Salem. This waitress was trying to steal her man! Her blood boiled in a manner she hadn't felt since the time Ozma had saved that town and the women had all offered to "repay" him. She'd been infuriated then - what could she say, she was passionate - and time hadn't cooled her temper.

Salem was quick to butt in and place her own order, driving away the harlot in the process. "I too would like to partake in the... soup." Nailed it.

The waitress wrote something down on her pad and then walked away in defeat. It was at this moment that Salem regretted her choice to drive the young girl away, because now she had no idea what to do. Thankfully, her date was quick to her rescue.

"So, are you from around here?" Her knight in shining armour reached out and grabbed a glass of water to drink while waiting for her answer.

"No actually, I had to take a few layover flights." It had been a constant annoyance when people shot down her Nevermore and she had to find a new one to ride, only to have the same pattern repeat itself over and over, until she decided to mount an Ursa and ride that through the city on foot. Really, some people could be so rude.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I could have met someplace closer, where are you from?" Salem felt bad for making her date feel bad, it was a bad way to start a date.

"I'm from my Kingdom." Salem reached down to drink from her own water.

"Which one is that?"

"My Kingdom." She thought the answer was straight forward enough.

"Which one though, there's like five?"

"The one that covers like ninety-five percent of the planet, my Kingdom." Salem wasn't sure how much clearer she could get.

"Oh you mean the Grimmlands… really, a woman of your beauty? You must be pretty capable in order to carve out an existence out there." Salem blushed at the simple praise. "There aren't very many people from out there. What's it like?" She was grateful that her date kept the conversation going, she was not well versed in maintaining such a social matter.

"Desolate, abandoned, Grimm infested, purple, but it's home." She wasn't sure why but her date laughed at the statement.

Did I say something funny?

She laughed along just in case it was a human thing she no longer understood.

"What about you, where does "General Lovin'" come from?" Salem leaned in, bending over slightly to show off her cleavage, a trick that Cinder had told her was sure to make the boys go crazy. She wasn't sure why she wanted them to go crazy but it was apparently desirable among all the youngsters these days.

Richard began to sweat slightly. "Oh-um… it's nice enough. A lot of responsibility and all, the UNSC doesn't run itself after all." He chuckled nervously after finishing the shaky sentence, forcing his eyes to meet her own. His willpower was strong, a trait she found herself admiring, but even still she caught his eyes flicking down from time to time; then again, she was feeling pretty nervous too, it was reassuring to know that she wasn't alone.

The UNSC… isn't that important?... I feel like I know what that is… eh, must just be something from an ad.

The waitress came back with the soup, some kind of flavored water that humans found desirable.

Far be it from me to judge. Salem didn't need to eat, to be fair she also didn't really need to sleep either but she found it an exceptional way to kill time, and eating wasn't all that different. Though the soup was a bit more like drinking than eating.

The two sat in silence eating/drinking their soup. Salem wasn't sure if the silence was normal or not but it began to stretch on into something a little more awkward, until her date spoke up once more.

"How would you like to see my spaceship?"

Salem gripped her stomach with a groan, fighting - and losing - to keep her beverage of soup and dinner inside. Richard had offered her a pat on the back and a sympathetic look, surprisingly the two had been enough to calm her nerves just enough to not embarrass herself in front of her date.

Now he was taking her to his spaceship, whatever that was. She knew she had heard the moniker before, but she couldn't think beyond the stud sitting beside her, currently wrapping his arm around her in a possessive manner that she normally would have found unacceptable.

He was different though, very different. She felt… special, wanted, and happy.

The shuttle's occupants all watched on in jealousy, at least that's what she thought it looked like, as Richard and her talked back and forth. A feminine voice came on over the off brand bullheads radio, much to Salem's irritation as it interrupted a riveting tale of how her knight had first learned to fly.

"Commander, I am detecting contaminants aboard the Pelican, are you in danger?" The voice carried an urgency Salem couldn't understand, slowly the meaning dawned on her however and she looked over to the other occupants of the totally not a bullhead.

Their faces were incredibly pale, skin covered in sweat, and she could see their fingers twitching as they clutched their weapons. They were clearly sick with something. She lifted her dress off the floor a little, moving it away from the danger. While she couldn't get sick, if they threw up on her, the dress would be ruined. Replacing it would be impossible since the last person who knew how to weave it had died nearly a century ago. Truly, her greatest failure.

"Yes I am." Her date looked at her, eyes filled with something familiar yet not, a distant memory she had long since forgotten. "I'm in danger of falling in love." Salem felt her face burn and she struggled to keep her disguise up through it, looking up into his face she searched for any sign of deceit. The look in his eyes made her believe him implicitly.

His words were so perfect, so beautiful, truly no one had ever thought of them before.

"I… I don't know what armaments to use for that, please specify?" The voice once again spoke over the intercom.

"It's the most powerful thing in the world." One of the other passengers made a gagging sound, interrupting her date's perfect words.

"Spinning up MAC rounds." Her date failed to notice the voice talking once more. "It has been a pleasure to know you, Commander." There was a moment of silence and then an incredible force that flew by the shuttle. It threw the vehicle to the side, causing Salem to smash into Richard's chest. He wrapped his arms around her to hold her spayed and she had never felt so safe. "How did I miss?" The voice spoke but Salem didn't hear it, she was too occupied with the man's eyes above her.

Half the shuttle cooed, the rest gagged.

Richards hadn't expected a welcoming group when he intended to bring Salem up to the ship, he had expected a small group to gawk and point but that was all. He hadn't expected this.

"Move you maggots! The enemy is upon us!" Fairfire was barking orders to the ships stationed Marines as they ran around setting up makeshift barricades… and were those landmines, what good were they inside of a spaceship?

I know I don't date much, but was the tank really necessary?

"The end is on that Pelican! when you see the evil of her eyes open fire!" Nathan gave his own orders. "The magic wizard and General Ironwood have warned us of what's coming, may God have mercy on us all!"

He felt a little embarrassed but his date seemed impressed. The crew were so busy with their preparations that they actually failed to notice Richard and Salem sneak off down the corridor and out of the line of fire.

Once the two were alone he began the conversation anew. "I'm sorry about them, it can get pretty serious around here. They try to keep drills fairly constant, never know when the king of the demons might show up." He shrugged softly at his joke but Salem seemed to love it.

"Don't worry, my home can be much the same." Salem didn't seem to take interest in the view of the desert below, nor the highly dangerous, super deadly, world ending, nuclear weapons he accidently walked them past. Instead she just kept looking at him. He knew this because he kept looking at her.

"You have many employees?" He could recall her telling him about her large real estate business, quite the promising group with surprisingly little Grimm problems.

"Eh, you gain some you lose some." She shrugged her shoulders and looked up to his face. "Perhaps there is something you would like to lose?"

Ben had wanted to find the commander, they had some serious things they needed to talk about, after confirming he wasn't on the Bridge, he had figured the lounge would have been the next best bet. However as he approached the door he saw a confusing sight, Nathan and Fairfire stood outside arguing about something. He made to move past them to the door but was stopped suddenly.

"Don't go in there!" The two yelled in unison.

"Why? I need to talk to the Commander." Ben moved to open the door but was stopped once more.

"Only darkness awaits you through that door, does your future mean nothing to you?" Nathan and Fairfire continued to speak in unison.

Ben sighed. "I don't care about whatever you two are doing, I just need to talk to him. I'm a Spartan, I can handle it."

He couldn't handle it.

The door was open for no more than a second before a hand fell over his visor to spare him such a fate, but it was too late. He had seen things. As the door closed he fell to the floor.

"Another has fallen to the evil within." Nathan bemoaned.

"My poor, innocent boy!" Fairfire cried.

Ben sat on the floor looking on in awe at the door, he was speechless. Even on Draco III, he had never witnessed such horror, such eltrich abandon for reason.

Salem couldn't recall the last time she had been so tired, sweat poured down her frame leaving her skin slightly sticky and her muscles ached.

"So… what next?" Her partner looked to her with an impish grin. "Unless you think you can go another round."

Salem gasped for air but was quick to give her reply. "A Human will never best me, no matter how adorable or good they are! Start the next song!" Salem moved back into position of the sensor as the game started the next song, the silhouette on the screen moved and she followed, careful to match her movements to the girl on screen.

All she had to do was just dance, simple in principle but the game was working against her. The evil video game refused to let her destroy anything, she hated to say she enjoyed it anyways.

I should get one of these back at the tower, maybe that would curb Cinder's desire for power, death, and blood… it's working on me. Then again… that may be the company.

As Salem swayed her hips back and forth across from her partner, a hundred miles above the surface of Remnant, she came to a realization.

Perhaps the planet can live just a bit longer… so long as I get him.

She moved away from the sensor, it beeped angrily at her for stopping the dance moves but she payed it no mind. She pulled herself up slightly on his shoulders and planted a soft kiss on her man, on her commander. Her foot raised slightly as the kiss stretched on, hands eventually racing to other parts of the body as each started to explore the other.

"I do believe, this means I win." Leaning back, it was Salem's turn to grin. "Unless you think you can… go again." She winked mischievously.

His response had her weak in the knees. "Oh, I know what the ladies like."

Authors Note: Well well well, look what we have here.

Those of you that read the original Men From ONYX may remember this gem, though it has gone through some changes. I decided it was finally time to update it and make it work with some adjustments for the new canon and I gotta say… damn I'm good.

Hope you all enjoyed and as always don't forget to review and let me know.

Sincerely, SardonicEffigy