Chat

Lily hurried to the castle so Sev wouldn't have to wait too long. Passing through the hall, she heard the din of dinner through the door to the Great Hall and headed straight for the stairs. As she slowly climbed the seven flights, she realized how exhausted she was from the long walk, and remembering it, the bittersweet feeling of saying goodbye faded. The day had really turned out perfect. Almost.

Arriving home she was glad there was no one in the Common Room. She headed straight for her bedroom. She would go to bed right away, she wanted to enjoy the day's experiences alone and avoid indiscreet questions from the girls.

Her long climb had warmed her, and she began to undress to get into bed. When she was down to just her shirt, she realized that she hadn't left Sev's cloak in the laundry basket. He had deprived himself of it all wet day to keep her warm. Longing for the warmth of his hugs, she wrapped herself in it again, also with its hood to continue smelling his taste… she would take it later to the Common Room.

She got into her four-posted bed and drew the curtains so her roommates would think she was asleep when they arrived. Lying on her side, she felt an uncomfortable bulge. She had taken her wand out of the inside pocket but there was something else. The fruits... "So you will remember the walk," he had told her.

She took them one by one to her mouth, trying not to guess what they were by her touch, but by their taste, with her eyes closed, as he had taught her. A blackberry… a raspberry… another blackberry… a currant…

Every time she did it she would brush her lips with her fingers imagining that she was receiving them from his hand, like kisses. She was sorry that he wouldn't let her pick some of the little red berries to taste them again.

But she was wrapped in his cloak, she brought the edge of the hood to her face as she had when she tasted the berry, breathing in his scent again, now mixed with her own. The same gesture she made before Sev with her eyes closed. "The face you made when you tasted the berry…"

He… would he know? "You have to try to know what you like…" "Too bad the recipe has been lost…" "They always taste the same to me…" "You can try it again whenever you want…" "Never accepting what is offered to you…"

She woke up with her face completely covered, wrapped in his scent, with a strong feeling of discomfort, of missed opportunity. She sit up and peeked through the curtain, the room was totally dark, only the regular breathing of her roommates could be heard. She must have slept for several hours and she hadn't left the cloak in the basket.

She took the remaining berries out of the pockets, she would keep them for further recollection, and she felt a great regret as she took it off and slipped on her gown, tiptoeing down to the Common Room.

Luckily, the elves hadn't come by to collect the laundry yet, and taking some of the dirty clothes, she folded Sev's cloak neatly and placed it among the garments, distressed that his scent now mixed with so many others.

She was tempted to stay in the Common Room meditating in front of the fire, but thought that the elves would be coming soon to do their chores and she resigned herself to going back to bed to try to sleep, which took her a long time.

The next day at breakfast, Bethany pestered her with questions. "Where did you go yesterday? We looked for you around when we return from Hogsmeade and you didn't even show up for dinner."

She tried to get her off of herself by telling her the truth. "I was tired and went to sleep."

"Yes, yes, tired of studying so much…" She always tried to put her in evidence before Potter, who she had been infatuated with since third year, so she was terribly jealous of her for the attention he paid her. If it were up to her, she could keep him whole.

Luckily the glasses didn't intervene, now he didn't bother her anymore when Remus was present, sitting next to her as usual since the beginning of the term.

She had exchanged a couple of glances with Sev across the crowded tables, smiling at each other, and it seemed to her everything was fine again. She felt happy and the little wolf must have noticed because he whispered to her, "You look happy… Did you finally see each other?" She had told him that she had managed to meet him.

"Yes, we spent the day together."

Instinctively, she looked up at Sev again. He was looking at her intently again but this time he wasn't smiling.

Meanwhile, Remus was telling her, "And how was everything? Did you have a good time?"

"I'll tell you later, now there's a lot of gossip," nodding at Bethany who was sitting in front of her, a couple of spaces further. "We'll meet in the afternoon at the Library."

She spent the morning with the girls just to pretend, because what she really wanted was to be alone studying, losing herself in dreams at times. During lunch Sev smiled at her again but with some concern in his eyes.

When she got to the Library, she saw that fortunately, it was practically empty. Remus hadn't arrived yet and she sat on a bench away from Pince but not on the last one like she did with Sev. She couldn't conceive of being there if she wasn't with him.

Remus arrived right away, she didn't even have time to open the Herbology book that she had with her. After greetings and some comments, he asked her about her date. "How about yesterday? What did you do all day?"

Lily told him about the talk under the beech tree, the walk and the picnic, keeping quiet about many things that she would keep just for herself.

Remus interrupted her from time to time. "What a good idea, you will continue collaborating in Potions." And then, "I think I know that clearing you say, you know, from my late-night wanderings."

"Well, great then, right? You have resumed contact and I suppose you will find a way to see each other, even if it is secretly."

Lily sighed and it took her a few seconds to reply, "We already did, but we ended up arguing." She told him what had happened on the last stretch of the walk. She concluded, "And in the end I ended up crying and he hugging me and encouraging me. I don't know, I felt terrible, it's as if I forced him to be with me."

Remus sighed back, shaking his head. "Lily, I warned you not to force him," he interrupted himself, searching for words. "From what you tell me, from how he treats you and how he looks at you when you don't see him…" Lily looked at him questioningly. "Yes, Lily, in Potions he doesn't take his eyes off you. What I told you, it is clear that he also wants to be close to you despite having very good reasons to stay away. Remember the Slytherins, James, and the OWL thing is no small ordeal," he made another brief pause. "You've gotten used to having him always at your disposal for years, while he's been holding back what he felt for you, settling for your friendship without ever demanding anything from you. And now that you have also fallen in love, you continue to demand attention with excuses. Maybe I am wrong, but I think he also keeps you at a distance so that you stop seeing him as the friend who always gives you what you want and appreciate him in a different way. He has a different rhythm, he's been waiting for you for half his life, he's not in a hurry. After having laughed in his face when he finally dared to show you what he felt, you want everything right now, without letting him know that you are also for him, because you haven't told him anything... or am I wrong?"

"I told him I loved him… a lot."

"And what did he answer you?"

"He joked with me, but then he told me too, hours later, when he comforted me before saying goodbye."

Remus thought for a few seconds and sighed before continuing. "I guess you've told each other hundreds of times, that doesn't mean anything new between you. Neither the hugs, the cuddles, the affectionate words. Anything that helps a couple bond, to let each other know they're attracted to each other, is useless to you, because you've been doing it since you were kids. You have to be more clear."

"I was about to kiss him."

"Oh, yeah? And what did he do?"

"I don't know if he noticed, he had his eyes closed."

"And why didn't you?"

"I don't know... I didn't want to force him, I didn't know if he wanted…"

Remus shook his head negatively, as if desperate. "By Merlin, Lily!" screaming under his breath. "When I tell you not to force him, I mean not to demand his attention, but if he gets within your range… Where is your Gryffindor courage? He's not going to try again without making sure you don't reject him. You hurt his pride, remember? Any other would have sent you to take fresh wind. The ball is in your court, now it's your turn to take the risk. Kiss him, tell him, or let him go. If you keep making him dizzy you are going to do him a lot of damage, he is capable of waiting for you all his life."

They were silent for a long time. What a rebuke! Lily wanted to justify herself, to tell him that Sev probably already knew, but without telling Remus about the red berry.

"Well, I think he already realized it."

"How?"

"I don't know, but he threw hints at me."

"In what sense?"

"That he felt the same as always, although not with those words, and also sort of encouraged me to try what I liked."

"And that was after you almost kissed him?"

"Yes, but not right away, hours later, when we were coming back." After testing her with the berry.

Remus thought again. "I don't know, Lily, surely he noticed it. In any case, he is encouraging you in his snake fashion, not saying it to your face but making it easy for you to take the plunge. Did you answer him?"

Lily sighed deeply. "With more hints, I was angry that he didn't speak frankly to me and I returned them."

"Merlin, Lily! Damn pride makes you become a Slytherin like him, you'll never understand each other like this. He responds to your demands, he does not try to take advantage of your doubts, he continues to treat you with affection, leaving you space to launch yourself, he tells you that he continues to love you subtly so as not to commit yourself and you do not risk. I'm of the opinion that it's up to you girls to choose and I'm sure Snape does as well. I think you've gotten used to James harassing you and don't know how to appreciate gentleness. I'm starting to think you don't deserve him."

This time Remus had gone too far, and Lily flew into a rage. "He is not as nice as you think, he told me that I did not accept what he offered me."

"Oh, yeah? How was it?"

"When I asked him for DADA classes and we argued."

"It's just… how did you think of ending the day like that?" recriminating her.

"I just wanted to meet back together."

"But not in that way, Lily," patiently. "You had to give him the motivation that both of you are wanting. Don't be surprised that now he's distant again, you put the honey in his mouth and he didn't get to taste it, he must be in a hell of a mess. And yet he agreed, poor lad, you're driving him crazy."

They were silent for a minute.

"This morning he was smiling at me," Lily said. "But then, suddenly he changed."

"At breakfast?"

"Yes. It was just when you asked me about yesterday. I looked at him and he was looking at me very seriously."

Remus dropped his head, propping his forehead on his hand, his elbow on the desk.

"Remus…what's wrong? You are scaring me."

He still took a while to respond. "What we needed, Lily. If you didn't have enough with James and the snakes, now you've got me in the thick of it too. It's partly my fault, I should have imagined it."

"I don't understand you, Remus, what do you mean?"

Lupin sat up, sighing deeply. "Jealousy, Lily. All month he's been watching us sit together in the Great Hall, right across from him. One more reason for his seeming indifference. I'm surprised he hasn't moved. Merlin, what endurance does he have!"

Lily panicked. She remembered how she'd gotten when she'd seen Sev with Parkinson's in Potions and how he'd reassured her about it when she'd asked him.

"But if we're just friends…" she said with a pitiful voice.

"And what does he know? He also pretended to be just your friend and you saw, it's as if you had replaced him with me. Yesterday you gave him hope and he trusted, but when he has seen us whispering and you just go and look at him... He must be thinking that you are playing with him." He returned to rest his head on his hand. "What a disaster."

Lily was devastated. "What can we do?"

"For starters, stop sitting together. And you have to talk to him as soon as he gives you a chance. The cards on the table, and prepared so that he will not accept you at the first opportunity. As insecure as he is, he may believe that it is simply a new whim of yours."

"I don't think he's insecure…"

"Come on, Lily, it's taken him years to approach you... Maybe he is firm in other aspects, but with respect to you... it's all facade."

"But you'll still sit behind me in Potions…" pleading.

"Are you serious?" impatient. "Is that what worries you? You have something much more essential on your hands."

"But we managed to keep Potter from bothering us."

Remus thought about it for a while. "Okay, but zero contact, stop turning even with the excuse of seeing him. If you want to do it, look at him. And I hope he notices."

Lily was knackered, the matter was getting more and more confused. She now also was going to have to avoid Remus as well, who had become her mainstay since she was missing Sev.

He must have noticed how downcast she was, because he told her, "Don't worry, come on, as soon as he stops seeing us together he'll understand. You will know soon, this week in class without going any further, and we will always have our home to keep in touch. I'm sure you'll meet again, let me know so I can watch James when you do, okay?"

Lily nodded, and she felt a little more relieved, she should just wait until Wednesday for Sev's reaction.

"Are you okay? Remus asked.

"I try."

"Try not to think about it too much, really you just have to let yourself be carried away by what you feel and the waters will return to their course. I let you study, I'm leaving now. The only thing we need was for him to stop by and see us conspiring. See you at dinner."

"Thank you, Remus. See you."