Buck stepped out of the Jeep, breaths coming in harsh gasps as he struggled to control his sobs. He'd been driving around for over two hours in an attempt to clear his head but to no avail.
Every minute that passed during the drive made him feel a lot worse than he initially felt when he left the station. He only decided to stop on a deserted beach when he almost crashed the Jeep when he swerved a little too sharply to avoid another car.
Buck slowly dragged himself down against the Jeep to sit on the sand, chest heaving and tears still pouring as his mind spiraled out of his control.
"I-I'm not wanted," he choked out.
"They.. T-They don't w-want me," he continued sobbing, thinking out loud as he spoke to no one but himself.
His thoughts were too loud and he couldn't think straight. All he knew was that it hurt.
And he didn't want it to hurt anymore.
He didn't want to be exhausting anymore.
But he didn't know how not to be.
He'd spent most of his life trying not to be exhausting for his parents. He did everything they could ever ask and yet he was still exhausting, still too dramatic, still too needy.
Buck gripped the fabric of his shirt against his chest right above where his heart was beating so fast.
"S-Stop.. Just stop.. M-Make it stop. P-Please," he begged to no one as he tightened his grip on his shirt.
Then, as if suddenly given a burst of energy, Buck wobbly got on his feet and looked up at the night sky, and screamed.
"PLEASE! MAKE IT STOP! I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE! I'M TIRED OF THIS LIFE! I TRIED SO FUCKING HARD FOR ALL OF THEM, ISN'T THAT ENOUGH!? AM I STILL NOT ENOUGH?!"
And just as suddenly as he got on his feet, Buck fell on all fours, heaving and gasping as he tried to catch his breath.
His eyes darted towards the sea as he watched the waves crash on the shore, and it was then that he realized that this was the first time he was this close to it after what happened with the tsunami.
Just then, thoughts of being swallowed by the enormous waves of the tsunami and the feeling of being dragged around like a rag doll rushed to the forefront of his mind.
And Buck was surprised that he associated that thought with a feeling of relief instead of the usual fear he had every other time.
The longer he stared at the waves crashing against the shore, the more drawn he was to the sea, and the more drawn he was, the more appealing the thought of being a helpless rag doll against the waves became.
A sudden blow of the breeze sent shivers down his spine, causing goosebumps to appear on his skin. He gently pushed himself off the ground and rested on his knees as he continued staring at the sea, and thought of being thrown around under the waves to the point of no longer knowing what was up and down.
"If I'm n-not wanted, then m-maybe I shouldn't b-be around anymore?" he whispered to himself though it came out more of a question than a statement.
Mind suddenly made up, Buck slowly got up on his feet and walked back to his Jeep. He shakily reached over the glove box and grabbed the small notebook and pen he always had in the Jeep for when he needed to write a grocery or to-do list.
He sloppily and hastily wrote two letters for the only two people who had his back during the chaotic mess that was the lawsuit. He was a sobbing mess again by the time he had the letters folded and stashed in his duffel bag.
Buck let out a shaky breath as he leaned back on the driver's seat, gaze locked on the sea once more. He clumsily wiped at his face and took another deep, shaky breath in an attempt to calm his thoughts only to choke on another sob.
He unclipped his badge from his uniform and stared at it as he traced his fingertips against the embossed details. All his life he felt so unwanted and undeserving of being someone's something.
Son.
Brother.
Friend.
Colleague.
But the moment he earned that badge after completing his probationary period and having Bobby be the one to clip the badge onto his dress uniform, Buck finally felt like he finally knew what it was like to be deserving of something he really wanted. And as the years passed, he finally knew what it was like to be wanted by people he considered his family; to even be included in a family.
He remembered the way the 118, especially Hen and Chim, cheered when he was finally and officially welcomed into the 118 during his badge-pinning ceremony. He remembered the way Bobby looked at him with that proud expression he rarely has that day. He remembered how the whole house celebrated and how unbelievably welcomed and wanted he was.
But now all he felt was unending grief and loneliness. He fought to come back, fought to return to the only place he felt like he was important and wanted. Fought to make them understand that he deserved to be with the team–with his family.
And yet they took it as him going against them, attacking and betraying them.
Buck had to admit that maybe filing for that lawsuit may have been the wrong way to go about it, but hell. At the time he felt like he had no other option. He couldn't understand why he wasn't being allowed to go back when he passed his recertification test and even set a new record. His medical, both physical and psychological were all done and signed by three different doctors.
Though considering how he was in the middle of a deserted beach in the middle of the night, contemplating what he was going to do almost five months since his medical, Buck had to admit that he may need to come in and have the psychological part a re-evaluation.
The events that led to him filing the suit up until now, three months into his reinstatement, all did nothing but pull him down to the dark abyss inside his head. And no matter how much he tried to keep on fighting to prevent being pulled in, no matter what distraction he had, it still wasn't enough.
"It still wasn't enough," Buck echoed his thoughts quietly as he ran his thumb over his badge before gently placing it on top of his duffel bag.
He leaned back heavily against his seat with a deep shaky breath, eyes glued to the sea before him once more as tears once again ran down his cheeks. Pulling his gaze away, Buck slowly unbuttoned his uniform, leaving him with just his undershirt as he held it at arm's length in front of him.
Buck trailed his fingers over the "Buckley" nameplate on the breast pocket flap before folding the shirt. He grabbed his badge from where he placed it and placed his shirt on top of the duffel and the badge on top of his shirt, just above his nameplate.
He was about to grab his driver's license from one of the side pockets of the bag and place it deep inside his pocket for easy identification when his phone vibrated in his pocket, reminding him that he had one and indicating a message was received. It brought him briefly away from his thoughts, and he bit his lip as he contemplated whether or not he wanted to know who it was from and what they had to say.
Buck looked up at the sea before nodding to himself.
"One last time and then I'm gone," he whispered to himself as he fished his phone out of his pocket, freezing as soon as he saw who the message was from.
May.
Buck swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to keep himself in check as he unlocked his phone to read her message.
Buck it's been two hours since your shift ended and you haven't texted. Have you gotten back to your apartment? Text me back as soon as you read this.
Another choked sob broke from his lips as soon as he finished reading the message because, at that moment, it felt like his saving grace.
Then, as if suddenly struck by how close he was to the edge of letting himself fall to his demise, Buck pulled up May's contact and called her instead, hoping against hope that she wouldn't turn him away.
His thoughts were running at a hundred miles a minute as he waited for her to pick up. He closed his eyes as he tried to even his still ragged breathing before he opened them again and turned his gaze back to the sea that seemed to be calling out his name.
May let the conversations flow around her during dinner, offering a nod or short answers when needed. Truth be told she wasn't up for any interaction, not with the 118 that is. Her eyes kept darting back to her phone which was currently sitting next to her hand on the table.
She had just sent Buck a text asking if he was already back at the loft, and was waiting for a text back to let her know he got home safe. It wasn't out of the ordinary that he didn't text since she knew that his shifts weren't exactly a walk in the park. But Buck recently promised her and Harry that he would always let them know that he got back to his apartment safe and sound after every shift following a few reports of randomly targeted firefighters going missing about two months back.
Even before that, Buck had already forged a strong bond with both her and Harry over the years ever since the firefighter had the privilege of pissing her mom off during their disastrous first call together. That bond only grew and became something akin to a sibling relationship when Bobby and her mom got married.
Everyone in their immediate circle knew that Buck was Bobby's kid in all the ways that mattered. Biology be damned.
When May found out that Buck had filed the lawsuit, her initial reaction had been what the hell? But after a moment, she realized that the suit was justified and that Buck had every right to sue Bobby and the city.
She had been home the night Buck came and told Bobby that he was suing and that no communication whatsoever was allowed from then on until the suit concluded. That didn't stop her and Harry from talking to Buck. If anything, the lawsuit only made both of them reach out and check in on him more than usual.
A kick to her foot pulled May out of her thoughts. She gave Harry the side-eye to convey her displeasure before raising an eyebrow that could rival her mother's expression in a quiet inquisition.
"Someone's calling you," Harry told her quietly, his eyes fixed on her phone as he took a sip of his orange juice.
May's attention immediately turned to her phone as she grabbed it, the relief she felt flooded her senses when she saw Buck's caller ID. She tapped the answer button and pressed the phone against her ear.
"Hey. I was wondering when you'd check in, I was getting worried," May said to the receiver as she stood up from the table, intending to move outside to the patio.
Y-Yeah. S-Sorry about that.
She halted mid-step at the way Buck's voice cracked and his sharp intake of breath. "Hey, are you okay?"
May was acutely aware of the sudden halt of the conversations happening around her, but she paid them no mind as Buck's harsh breathing came from the other end of the line, and that was enough for her to move.
"Where are you?" she demanded, phone still pressed against her ear as she quickly moved to grab her coat and retrieved her car keys from the dish by the stairs.
"May, what's going on? Where are you going? Is he okay?" Harry asked her worriedly as he too got up from his seat and followed after her.
May held up a hand at him, indicating that she needed a moment to talk to Buck. "I swear if you don't tell me where you are this instant I wi-"
I.. I'm at a b-beach.
May could swear her heart skipped a few beats at that response because she knew for a fact that Buck still didn't like water, more specifically the sea, and knew that it was because it still reminded him too much of the tsunami.
"Okay. I'll be there as soon as I can, okay? Just stay where you are," she managed to say as she held her phone a bit tighter.
May.. I-I'm at a beach..
"I know, Buck. You just told me," May reminded him, clipping the phone between her ear and shoulder as she fumbled to get her coat on as she did so.
..in Malibu.
That made her pause, eyes wide as she turned to look at Harry who had a concerned and confused expression all over his face.
"What?" May whispered to the receiver.
She heard a broken laugh erupt from Buck on the other end of the line, and she could swear her blood ran cold at the sound.
I.. I needed to get away, May. I-I didn't w-want to go home, s-so I..
May closed her eyes as she brought a hand to her eyes, pinching softly on the bridge of her nose.
"So you drove around to clear your head, and you ended up on a beach somewhere in Malibu," she finished softly.
Y-Yeah. May?
The tremor in Buck's voice told May there was so much more to it than just clearing his head for a drive that had him ending up on a beach about an hour away from LA.
"What's going on, Buck?" she asked.
I-I miss him, May. I miss Bobby.
May bit her lip to prevent the string of curses she wanted to let out at his response.
Because of course!
Of course, Bobby was the main reason why the man she and Harry saw as their older brother was alone somewhere on a deserted beach in Malibu this late at night when he should've been taking a much-needed rest after the 24-hour shift she knew he just had.
"Buck..," she trailed off, not really knowing what to say to make him feel okay because none of this was okay.
But Buck didn't seem to have heard her because he continued, going on a roll that had alarm bells ringing left and right in her head.
A-And I get it.. I messed up with the s-suit. I betrayed him. I shouldn't have.. I should've just.. I.. May I want it to stop.. I want to stop being so… so e-exhausting and a liability a-and a burden.. And I just, I-
"You're not, Buck!" May cut him off, her tone akin to one her mother would use on her and Harry. She didn't give him enough time to get lost in his head even further or even to respond as she immediately continued.
"You're not any of those things. Do you understand me?" she told him firmly, willing him to understand and to see that he was worth so much more than that.
B-Bobby thinks I am though. M-Maybe that's why he keeps building up his d-damn walls with me.
May had to fight the urge to throw a glare at her stepfather. God, how could they have let things escalate like this? Before she could say something of reassurance to Buck, however, the man's cracked voice beat her to it.
W-Why can't I have a parent who g-gives a damn about me? W-Why doesn't anyone e-ever want m-me? What is w-wrong with me?
"Nothing's wrong with you, Buck!" May exclaimed as she finally glared at Bobby who, like everyone else in the house, had paused from their respective conversations to listen to her side of the conversation she was having with her older brother.
She did not miss the way Bobby tensed when she said that and almost let out a scoff.
Almost.
May shook her head and turned away from them as she waited for Buck to speak.
M-May?
"Yeah, Buck? I'm here," she replied softly.
I-I'm tired. I just.. I'm so, s-so tired, May.
May straightened up at that and whipped around to look at her mother the same way she and Harry always did whenever they felt something wasn't right or when something alarmed or bothered them.
Because Buck sounded more than just tired.
His voice carried a strange sense of tone that May easily recognized from working at Dispatch Center. She may have been only working for almost as long as Buck's been reinstated but she already has had her fair share of calls in that amount of time.
May took a deep breath to steady herself, her hand curling tighter around her phone as she turned away from her audience to address her brother without them overhearing.
"Buck, are you, or are you not a danger to yourself right now?" May asked slowly and quietly so the others wouldn't hear.
It was silent for a moment and May almost panicked because she thought Buck dropped the call until he responded.
I.. I almost c-crashed the Jeep. I s-swerved to avoid another car. W-When I lost control of the Jeep, I-I thought I was gonna die, M-May. And for a brief moment, I wanted to. I want to, May.. I.. The sea, I.. I d-don't feel terrified of it now. It's l-like.. the voices i-in my h-head.
May would be lying if she said she wasn't panicking at that point. Because although Buck didn't explicitly say that he was indeed a danger to himself, as a dispatcher May knew better than not to read between the lines.
And she knew that the situation at hand was more than just a bad night for Buck.
Because at that moment, May knew that it was life or death.
Because she knew that Buck was on the brink of losing it all.
"Are you okay? You're not hurt, are you?" she asked him calmly as she turned around to catch her mom's eyes, which she easily did as Athena already had eyes on her.
I.. N-No. I-I'm okay.. physically.
May swallowed hard at her brother's response before she beckoned her mother to come closer to both her and Harry, who, in the span of her conversation with Buck, had stayed closer to her.
"Okay, Buck, okay. Can you tell me where you exactly are right now? Are you inside your Jeep?" she asked just as Athena stood next to her.
I.. May I..
May felt her blood freeze when Buck failed to answer her and she instinctively grabbed her mother's hand and held onto it tightly as her gaze locked with Harry's worried ones.
Find his location now. She mouthed to Harry, who immediately understood and did as he was told and fished his phone from his pocket.
"Buck, I need you to go back inside the Jeep. Okay? Can you do that for me?" May asked, heart beating so hard in her chest as she hoped and prayed that he listen to her.
B-But the sea.. the w-waves.. they l-look inviting.. a-and peaceful..
May shook her head as she exclaimed, no longer caring if the people who broke her brother to the point of him doing what she knew he was doing heard what she had to say.
Her older brother was alone in the middle of a deserted beach intending to drown himself and they were there enjoying a damned barbeque get-together like they didn't do and regret a single thing they said and did to her brother.
So, no. May didn't care if they heard what she had to say to keep her brother alive and away from that damned sea.
"No, Buck! Stay away from the sea! I need you to turn around, get back inside the Jeep, and stay there, okay? Please, Buck!"
But there was only silence from the other end of the line and May held her breath as she bit on her lip, heart racing as she waited for him to respond.
Seconds felt like hours and she started to panic, thinking that Buck left his phone on the sand and did go into the sea.
But before she could even really act on her panic, May eventually heard the whistle of the wind traveling through the other end of the line and the faint crunching made by shoed feet walking on sand.
"B-Buck?" May couldn't keep her voice from trembling as she called for her brother.
She was faintly aware that the 118 were on their feet and that her mother's hand was tightly holding hers instead of the other way around. But her whole attention was solely on the continuous sound of shoed feet hitting the sand traveling from the other end of the line.
May didn't know if he was walking away or towards the sea, and that alone was making her chest hurt with how fast her heart was beating. Her mind raced with the worst possible scenario that could happen as she curled her hand even tighter around her phone to the point of bruising, praying, pleading, and begging to any god listening to keep her brother alive and away from the sea.
She was on the brink of crying when she suddenly heard the distinct noise of someone climbing into a car followed by the loud thud of a car door closing.
Sucking in a sharp breath, May called to her brother again.
"B-Buck? Evan?"
The only response she got was him releasing a gut-wrenching sob that utterly broke her heart into pieces the moment it reached her ear.
M-May?
The young dispatcher had to pull her other hand from her mother's grip and wiped away the tears that unbiddenly fell on her cheeks.
"I-I'm here, Buck. I'm r-right here," she responded immediately, not caring if her voice trembled.
H-Help. P-Please.
May unconsciously nodded at his plea for help, and before she could offer a response, Harry suddenly exclaimed as he looked up at his phone and his eyes met hers.
"I found him!"
May let out a relieved breath the moment she heard those three words. She nodded at her younger brother, catching her mother's steady gaze before addressing her older brother on the other end of the line.
"We found you, Buck. We'll be there soon, okay? We're taking you home."