13. Chapter
I do not sleep well.
First, it takes me ages to fall asleep. My brain keeps replaying everything that has transpired between me and Eric the last couple of days. I have not wanted to admit it but now it is obvious even to me that I have fallen hard for him. And due to the way he protected me when factionless held us captive and the way he kissed me, I am pretty sure he feels something for me as well.
Then why is he pushing me away now?
When I do finally fall asleep the nightmares come. Different scenarios keep playing in my mind, varying from Sean raping me to Eric being shot in the head right in front of me, his lifeless body dropping to the floor, those gray eyes blank and empty.
When I wake up in the middle of the night I am drenched in sweat. Breathing heavily, I get out of bed and head toward the bathroom, putting my hair up in a bun along the way, and take a quick, cold shower.
Afterward, I get back to my bedroom and search my closet for something new to sleep in. I come across the shirt Eric lent me after my accident in the shower. Grabbing it, I hold it up to my nose and breathe in his scent. Warmth washes through me as well as the feeling of familiarity and security.
I put the shirt on and get back into bed.
The next dream I have is definitely not a nightmare.
It's a sex dream. About Eric. About Eric and I having sex in different positions, positions I actually have not even known existed.
This time, I wake up without the sweat but feeling all hot and wet and throbbing.
I close my eyes again and take a deep breath, trying to focus on the rain drops falling against the window but it is no use. I am aching.
Slowly, I move my hand beneath the blanket and then downward and underneath my underwear.
I let a finger slide along my slit and feel myself blush at how wet I am. It is not the first time I have touched myself but I still get the feeling of doing something forbidden, something selfish.
I insert my finger, moving it in and out a couple of times, my breathing accelerating, before spreading the wetness toward my clit.
Thinking about the feeling of Eric kissing me, touching me, I start rubbing. I imagine his hands wandering beneath my underwear, replacing my hand, maybe adding a second finger while he smirks at me, and I let out a low moan.
Barely three seconds later there is a knock on my bedroom door.
"Stiff? You okay?"
I swear my heart stops for several moments.
"Yes!" I yell, my voice breaking, heart now beginning to pound wildly against my ribcage. Did Eric hear me? What the hell is he doing in my apartment this early anyway?
I decide to ignore the fact that I do not think it abnormal that he is here at all.
"You sure?"
"Yes! Just – just leave me alone!"
"Jesus, sorry for making sure you're alright," he barks through the door before I can hear him stomping back to the living room, mumbling angrily to himself.
I let out a breath I haven't realized I was holding in. I do so not want to face him right now. Maybe I could lie, tell him that I was in pain after all.
How very un-Dauntless.
I sigh and get out of bed. Realizing I am still wearing his shirt I quickly get dressed before heading toward the bathroom for a shower.
I try to be as slow as possible but eventually run out of things to do to avoid facing him.
"What are you doing here this early?" I ask with a yawn when I step into my living room.
Eric gets up from the couch, concern written all over his face.
"I was making us breakfast," he answers, and my gaze travels toward the table where two bowls of cereal wait to be eaten. "Are you sure you're alright?"
And here we go.
"I'm fine, Eric," I reply, my voice final, hoping to end this conversation once and for all.
He closes the distance between us.
"Let me have a look," he says, grabbing the hem of my shirt. Even though electricity shoots through me, I bat his hands away.
"Eric!" I snap, glaring up at him. "I am not in pain!"
He stares at me in confusion.
"But I heard you moan – I thought –" and then his eyes widen as it finally clicks. My face begins to burn. "You – you did – in there? When I was – you –"
I have never seen Eric speechless before. It is almost comical, the way he stares at me in total disbelief.
I cross my arms in front of my chest defiantly.
"Yes. So what?" I reply, trying to act completely at ease. "You told me sex is normal here and that I need to loosen up. Me touching myself shouldn't be that big of a deal then?"
His mouth falls open and he just gapes at me.
Several seconds go by with neither of us saying a word, just looking at each other.
All of a sudden, his mouth snaps shut again, his jaw clenches.
"I'll meet you in the conference room," he says before turning around and walking out the door.
I raise an eyebrow in confusion. Well, that was not at all the reaction I expected.
Shrugging my shoulders, I sit down at the table and grab one of the bowls.
The meeting drags on and on.
Eric and I recount everything that happened to us when we were held captive and answer the same questions over and over again. Did we see or hear anything regarding the leaders? Did we see or hear anything regarding their hide-out. Were names mentioned, places, anything useful at all?
By the time Eric answers Jack Kang's questions about Gun-Guy a third time, my fingers are drumming against the table in irritation.
Eric seems to be as annoyed as I am.
His voice rises and he starts snapping at Jack and eventually, Max has to intervene.
"What's going on with Coulter, anyway?" My brother whispers into my ear.
"What do you mean?" I ask him.
"He's even angrier and more arrogant than usual," Caleb says. "And he keeps staring at you like, I don't know, like he wants to hit you or something."
My eyes shoot up and toward Eric across the table and our gazes meet. Frowning, I have to agree with my brother. Eric's eyes are blazing with something akin to rage.
What the hell have I done to him now?
"So what's the next step?" Marcus asks and I turn my gaze away from Eric and toward the other leaders.
"We will send patrols to every faction," Veronika answers. "We will make sure that the people and faction leaders are safe, that no weapons or serums or supplies are getting stolen. We're also thinking about installing even more cameras."
That seems to satisfy the other leaders.
"It's also Dauntless's job to investigate and provide us with answers," Johanna wants to know then, addressing Max. "What are your plans on that front?"
"Raids," Max answers without hesitation. "It's the only option we have at the moment, besides 24/7 surveillance. We will send teams to thoroughly search every empty building, every abandoned train station, any and every underground tunnel whatsoever."
"What about factionless itself?" I pipe up. Everyone turns toward me.
Eric snorts. "Their leaders won't hide in plain sight in the middle of the factionless sector."
I feel my pulse beginning to increase. The way he said that was like he thinks my idea is ridiculous, maybe even stupid.
"And why not? You just made it obvious that we would not expect it. What better place to hide?"
"Look," Eric sighs dramatically, like I am child that just does not get what the adults are talking about. "I have seen many insurgences and have done many investigations. I know what I'm talking about. Call it professional experience, trainee."
He did not just say that.
Heat rushes to my cheeks at being embarrassed in front of all the faction leaders like that.
"My idea regarding our gun shipments worked out just fine, didn't it?" I snap, raising a challenging eyebrow at him.
I can see his jaw clenching before his smug smirk returns.
"And that makes you an expert now? More experienced than the rest of us?"
"I didn't say that," I snarl. "But maybe you are simply too arrogant and full of yourself to see what might be right in front of you. You just can't admit that you might actually be wrong, that you haven't even thought about the most obvious possibility."
Eric gets out of his chair. Rising to the challenge, I do the same, ignoring the pull at my stitches.
"Beatrice," Caleb murmurs alarmed.
"Okay that's enough," Max interrupts, now getting up as well, before addressing Eric. "Go get some air, Eric."
"Why are you kicking me out? Why not her?" he exclaims in disbelief.
"Because Tris is still injured and dependent on crutches," Max replies, his tone more authoritative. "Now, will I have to repeat myself?"
Again, Eric's jaw clenches and his hands are balled into fists when he says "Fine" through gritted teeth.
Glaring at me one more time, he turns and leaves the room, banging the door shut behind him with such force that it is nearly knocked off its hinges.
"What the hell has gotten into him lately?" Harrison asks dumbfounded.
Well, wouldn't we all like to know?
One freaking week later Eric's mood is still as bad if not worse and I still have no idea what the hell I have done to get him this mad at me. Of course, he also does not tell me. He either ignores me or barks at me like a maniac.
Not once has he been offering to help me with my Band-Aid again.
In the office I get assigned the most idiotic work. I have swallowed every possible retort and gritted my teeth and done everything without a single complaint. I will not give in to his childish behavior.
But now, he has taken things too far.
Apparently, the meeting in Amity that I was to attend with Max and Harrison was preponed and Eric did not tell me. I only found out about it by accident when I ran into Veronika about ten minutes ago; she was rather surprised about me being here instead of on the train.
Acting like a total dick and giving me crappy assignments is one thing, risking my position as a leader is a completely different story.
Fuming, I make my way toward Eric's office where I know that son of a bitch is busy with a report from Candor.
I am done with his bullshit. If this is because he regrets kissing me, then why can't he just tell me that it was mistake and go on with his life? Why does he have to treat me like an asshole and bully me like I am still an initiate? Like I have done something to him?
No, this ends today.
I am going to confront him right now.
When leaving the elevator, one of my crutches gets stuck on the threshold and I almost fall head first into the office corridor.
Stupid crutches. And stupid Eric. And stupid threshold.
Maybe it is due to the angry thoughts clouding my mind that I don't hear the noises coming from his office.
So when I throw open Eric's door without bothering to knock, the angry yell of his name I want to let out gets stuck in my throat.
I freeze at the sight in front me, my mouth dropping open.
My heart starts beating painfully fast against my ribcage and I can feel my upper lip starting to twitch dangerously.
Bent over Eric's desk is a naked, dark-haired woman and Eric is standing behind her, obviously naked as well, his hands on her hips while the thrusts himself inside of her repeatedly, causing the girl to moan loudly.
In my shock, I let go of my crutches and they clatter to the floor with a surprisingly loud noise, causing Eric and the woman to startle and finally notice my presence.
Silence follows. I can only stare at the two of them while Eric seems to be completely stunned.
"Uhm …," the girl finally breaks the silence, trying to get up, but Eric's hand immediately shoots forward and presses between her shoulder blades, pushing her torso back down onto the table.
Then, the asshole has the audacity to smirk at me.
"Join us or leave us, Stiff," he says. "Either way, close the door, will you?"
And then he starts thrusting again while I remain frozen in the doorway, my mouth still hanging open.
He grabs the woman's hair and pulls her torso up against his front, putting her tits on fully display.
She is gorgeous, even I can admit that. I can only dream of having such womanly curves.
Holding my gaze, still smirking, he brings his mouth to her ear and mock-whispers: "What do you say? Eat her pussy while I fuck you like this? Would you like that, baby?"
I barely hear her answering groan.
Baby.
Something shatters inside of me. I have heard him use that nickname before, of course. He always calls them baby. And yet, somehow, after he called me that, this is just too much.
I know my reaction is childish but I just can't help myself.
"Really, Eric? Another one? How many women can you even fuck in the course of a day? She's what – the fourth?"
Now it is his mouth that drops open and while I hear her exclaim an enraged "What?!" I pick up my crutches and then slam the door shut behind me.
Angry and close to tears, I make my way back toward the elevator. Stupid, stupid me. Thinking I was special to him, that there was some kind of spark between us. How foolish.
Fighting with everything I have to not start sobbing I press the button for the apartment block that does not belong to leadership members. I know Christina has the day off so maybe she is at home. I do not want to be alone right now.
I do not make it that far, however. Two levels later the elevator comes to a stop and the doors open. I will my face to be completely neutral so whoever is going to step in will not notice my distress until I realize I am facing Uriah.
"Uri?" I breathe when I look into his unusually serious eyes.
"Come on, let's talk," he says, motioning with his head for me to get out and follow him.
I furrow my brows and am about to ask what he wants to talk about when he continues.
"I was working in the control room, taking over my brother's shift. I know you walked in on Eric and that girl."
"Oh," I reply because I really do not know what else to say. He nods his head again and I hobble along behind him.
I barely realize where we are going until we arrive at the mess hall. Uriah grabs us two cappuccinos before walking toward a table in a corner, far away from prying eyes and ears.
"Just tell me already," I mutter when we are both sitting, "Tell me how stupid I am."
"You're not stupid," he answers, still so uncharacteristically serious.
"Oh no?" I snap sarcastically, raising an eyebrow. "I fell in love with him. He kissed me and I foolishly believed that he feels something for me as well, that I would be the only one for him now, that we would magically enter a happy-ever-after-relationship where it doesn't matter who we are or where we come from."
I intended to exaggerate but now that the words are out of my mouth I realize part of it is actually true. How naïve of me.
"He does feel something for you, Tris," Uriah sighs. "That's why he's acting like the greatest asshole in the universe, even for his standards. I've told you before, he's in love with you."
"Great way of showing it," I mutter, staring darkly at the foam of my still untouched cappuccino.
"This is Eric we're talking about," Uriah continues. "He is completely overwhelmed. I don't think he's ever cared about anyone but himself. And now he has this whole new spectrum of feelings, fear, jealousy and so on. He is helpless, doesn't know what to do with those kinds of feelings. So he's doing what he's always done – fucking unimportant women, trying to make everything go back to normal, safe territory."
I can only stare at Uriah now. Because although none of this makes it okay, he might actually have a point there.
"Since when are you so … therapist-like?"
Uriah laughs. "I'll let you know, I have many hidden talents, my lovely little friend. Just because I'm the fun one doesn't mean I'm not smart."
Silence follows and I grab my cappuccino and take a sip. It tastes heavenly.
"Seriously, though," he breaks the silence after a couple of minutes. "Were it any other guy I'd say don't give up on him. But it's Eric and you are … you." – he gives me a pointed look, emphasizing what he can't say out loud in here – "It's too dangerous. It'll cost you your life."
I know, of course. I am not stupid – or that stupid, at least.
I decide to let the day end by lounging on my couch, thinking about the miserable turn this day has taken. To make everything perfect – or worse, depending on how one looks at it – I have slipped Eric's hoody on and keep inhaling his scent while bawling my eyes out, just like all the teenage girls in those horrible cheesy movies Christina has made me watch.
It fucking hurts. It feels like someone has punched their hand through my chest and is now squeezing my heart, crushing it with an unbearable power.
If I had the choice, I would gladly take getting shot again over feeling this kind of pain.
More than ever before I wish I could talk to my mom. She would wrap her arms around me and stroke my hair, just like when I was child. She would tell me that the pain would go away and that I would find someone that is worthy of me. And I would cry even more, tell her that Eric is worthy of me and that there will not be any one else now, that he was my one true – okay, I have definitely watched too many of those crappy movies.
I groan. This has to stop. I am not this dramatic and desperate. I am Dauntless. I am strong. I am –
My apartment door is suddenly thrown open and then banging against the wall behind it; I am so startled that I fall of the couch with a yelp and land hard on my ass. I groan at the instant pain caused to my stitches.
"What the fuck was that today, Stiff?" Eric barks angrily, slamming the door shut behind him.
I stare up at him in utter disbelief from my position on the floor. He turns around, his eyes blazing with rage, and is in the process of continuing his ranting but stops in his tracks once our eyes meet.
"What – have you been crying?"
Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no. I can only imagine what I must look like. Eyes swollen, face blotchy. God, please do not let there be any snot around my nose.
"No," I finally answer.
He raises an eyebrow.
"Allergies," I explain, while getting up. "You know, against grass pollen and stuff."
He smirks, crossing his arms in front of his chest, and leans back against my kitchen counter.
"It's winter. The ground is covered in snow."
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. This is so not my day. This idiot is making me lose my wits.
"Get out," I say, surprisingly calm but determined.
The smirk vanishes. "Huh?"
"Get the fuck out of my apartment," I say slowly, taking a step toward him, balling my hands into fists. I am suddenly overcome with the urge to hit him. To break his nose and ruin this ridiculously attractive face. "And give me back my key."
My left eye begins to twitch, my earlier pain turning into rage.
"No," is his simple reply.
"Eric, I swear to god," I say through gritted teeth, trying to control myself. "I can't deal with this right now, with you. Get out. Leave me the hell alone. I am done playing your games. Go and find someone else to mess with."
"Is this because of Tatja?" He wants to know and I feel bile rising in my throat. I did not want to know her name. "Listen, you weren't supposed to know –"
"That is your excuse?!" I yell in disbelief, now really beginning to lose my cool. "Eric, I thought there was something between us. I mean, I don't risk my life for just anyone and I think neither do you. And I certainly don't kiss people just for fun – I know it's different for you, of course."
"Do we really have to talk about this?" For the first time ever, Eric seems uncomfortable.
"Yes, Eric!" I shout. "Because not talking about it is why we're in this mess in the first place!"
"Oh come on, baby, you know I –"
"Don't call me that!" I screech, just as surprised about my reaction as him.
"You've never had a problem with it before," he replies, stunned. "I thought you liked it?"
I snort. "Yeah, it's great to be called the same nickname as all your … your … hoes."
He smirks again, uncrossing his arms, and advances on me.
"You are so fucking hot right now, Stiff," he says, his voice deeper now. "All riled up and jealous."
"Don't," I say, raising my hand to signal him to stay away. I suddenly feel so, so exhausted. "I am not falling for your charms again. Go back to Tanja or Katja or-"
"Tatja."
"Fuck you, Eric."
He crosses his arms again, the smirk gone now. He stares out the window for a moment, his jaw clenching, and then turns his gaze back toward me.
"Fine, if you can't accept my apology, I'll go."
He turns around and yanks the apartment door open.
"What apology?!" I yell incredulously. "Do you even know what that word means?"
The door bangs shut behind him and I let out a frustrated scream before sinking down on the couch and crying myself to sleep.