One life

by Nessa Yavetil

When you are a powerful mage who reincarnates after every death, you learn to come to terms with love and loss. You learn to enjoy things while they last. But, what happens when you fall for someone who makes you believe you could change your destiny? (Sequel to "Do you remember love?" READ THAT ONE FIRST!)

9. Jump

9. Jump

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And sometimes I get nervous

When I see an open door

Close your eyes, clear your heart...

Cut the cord.

(The Killers - Human)

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WARNING: MAJOR spoilers for xxxHolic and Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles in this chapter!

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...

In dreams, I hear them.

I don't know who they are, but, from an inconceivable distance, their voices somehow reach me. They all sound very much alike, but at the same time… they're different.

One of them is crying quietly. One of them is yelling at the others. One of them is cursing in a low voice. One of them is trying to explain something about "reality" and "change". One of them is whispering about a miracle.

And one of them is silent… but I know it's there. I can feel a presence, somewhere, nearby... I feel pain in it, but also closeness, and it's strangely comforting. It's warm… It makes everything a little better.

Who are they?

What are they talking about?

Is it... about me?

But…

Who am I?

What am I?

Am I alive or dead?

Am I anything… at all?

…

"How is he?" a girl with long, dark hair whispers; her voice sounds worried as she walks into the dimly lit room, and closes the door behind her back.

A tall, winged creature with red hair who's sitting on a chair beside the bed, turns around and looks at her with distressed eyes.

"Just… the same," the creature sighs, her face pale and shaken. "I laid him on his bed, cleaned and bandaged the wound in his hand… but nothing's changed. He still looks like he's about to… well… you can see for yourself," she says, strangling a sob. The girl with dark hair stares at the frame lying on that bed, and her lips tremble. It looks, indeed, in pretty bad shape. Like a dying person. Something she has seen too much of, lately.

"Nakuru-san…" the dark-haired girl mutters, slowly approaching the winged creature with sorrowful eyes. "Please, come back to the study with us. You can't do anything else for him here… but we need you."

"What? You want me to leave him alone?" the creature says. "Are you out of your mind? Any moment now, he could…" Her voice chokes.

The girl with dark hair sighs.

"I… know. I know it's hard for you. It's hard for me too… but we're trying to find a way to save him... and we need all the help we can get."

"Oh, really? It's hard for you?" The creature roars, and the dark-haired girl backs off, but then, she sees the wetness on the creature's cheeks. "How long have you cared about him? A week? Two weeks? A few months, if we count the time you didn't even remember him? I've cared about him since he was a child! I swore to protect him, to be always by his side… and I've failed him. I failed him when he needed me the most. But, not again. I won't leave him alone… ever again."

With a look of compassion, the dark-haired girl walks towards the tall, winged creature, who's clenching her fists, and gently, carefully, lays a hand over her shoulder.

"I know it's not the same, but, Nakuru, believe me... I understand how you feel. You feel guilty. I know, because I… feel guilty too. But you have to believe me when I tell you that this isn't your fault. This isn't anyone's fault. This… is what he wanted."

"No!" she retorts. "You're wrong! How could this be what he wanted? How could he want to die like this… alone, isolated from everyone who loves him… consumed by hatred? Nobody could ever want that!" she says, tears streaming down her face. "Just… shut up. Don't try to help me. You don't know what I'm going through."

"Nakuru... I know."

"No, you don't! Tell me, what did you do the last time you saw him?"

"I… was trying to talk him out of this… make him understand... but I failed," the girl with long hair mutters.

"See? You failed... but at least you tried. Do you know what I did? What I said to him, the last time I saw him?"

The girl just shakes her head no.

"He gave me freedom, as his last, most precious gift… and I spit all over it. I told him to go fuck himself, save me from the trouble, and die already! The look in his eyes, when I said that… you wouldn't know. It hurt him. I was his guardian, and yet the last thing I'd ever done for him was disrespect him, hurt him… and do nothing to stop the horrible thing he was about to do. I was so angry at him, so hurt, that I couldn't… I couldn't even think straight. All I could do was throw a tantrum and go to Tsukishirou's house to cry on his shoulder and get drunk. That's how I spent his last hours alive. I… I will never forgive myself for this. I've failed him… I put my hurt feelings first. I don't deserve to be his guardian. What kind of guardian abandons its master when he needs it the most?"

"Nakuru..." the dark-haired girl whispers. "If you feel awful… if you've acted stupidly and selfishly, and put your own feelings first, and now you're ashamed of yourself… that means you're more like us than you think you are. Everything you've done… was very human. What I mean is, maybe that's how he wanted you to be. He created you… didn't he? He could have made you flawless, relentless, and obedient —a perfect magical guardian. But instead, he made you like us… self-centered, temperamental… flawed. So… maybe this is how you're supposed to be. Maybe it's okay."

"But, how can it be okay? How could I be a good guardian if I am like this? I need to be better!"

"Maybe he didn't want you to be his guardian. Did you ever think about that? Maybe… he just wanted you to be his family. Families aren't perfect, you know? They make mistakes, and they fight each other, and they can even leave you hanging when you need them the most… or even die on you," she says, gravely. "But we need them. Us humans, I mean. We need that kind of bond with other flawed human beings."

"But, what's the use of that? A bond that can so easily disappoint… A guardian is so much better! A guardian never fails, never dies… never leaves."

"A guardian is a slave," the dark-haired girl says. "It doesn't really have free will, does it? It doesn't choose its master. It cares and protects because it has to… because that's what it exists to do. But see, he never really needed your protection. He's the most powerful being in the world. He could take care of himself, couldn't he? Then, what do you think he created you for, flawed and human like you are… Nakuru-san?"

The red-haired creature looks at the girl with a disconcerted look in her eyes.

"You mean…"

"I mean, stop beating yourself up over this. You're not a perfect guardian, and maybe you'll never be one, but you're so much more than that. And we need you now… he needs you. There was nothing you could have done before to stop him. I tried, Mizuki-san tried, Spinel-san tried, and we all failed. But you can do something now. You can come with me and help us find a way to bring him back… or you can stay here and abandon all hope and just wait for him to die. It's your choice. Because you have a choice now, Nakuru. But choices have consequences. Will you be able to forgive yourself, if there was the tiniest chance to save him, and you stayed here with your arms crossed, putting your hurt feelings first… again?"

"Dammit, Tomoyo…" the creature says, wiping tears from her face. "And I thought Tsukishirou-kun was the most persuasive of this group. Okay... let's go. But… you think he'll be alright if we leave him alone in here?"

"I… honestly don't think it makes any difference whether we're here or not, Nakuru," she says, staring at the figure on the bed rather sadly. "He seems… so far away. I don't think he even knows we're here at all. But maybe with the others, we can make ourselves useful and actually help him. We'll come back to check on him soon. I promise."

…

The study door opens, and the two figures walk in.

"Finally," a big, panther-like creature says. "Now that we're all here… we need to discuss what we're going to do."

"How… how was he?" A girl with short hair and green, emerald eyes whispers. "Are there any changes?"

The girl with long, dark hair just stares at her and shakes her head no, sadly.

"You know that we would have felt it, if there was any change… Sakura," a young lad with brown hair and eyes says to her, laying a hand on her shoulder.

"So?" the red-haired creature with butterfly wings who just walked into the room asks, impatiently. "Did you find anything? Do you know how to wake him up?"

"Well… no," the big, panther-like creature answers in a somewhat annoyed tone. "Not yet. Nakuru, this isn't as simple as 'waking him up'. You know that. He's not asleep. He's not even in a coma. We're not even sure of how to call what's happened to him… but you can feel it too, can't you?"

The butterfly-winged creature turns even paler and looks away, refusing to answer. Everyone else looks down, away, or shares quick glances with one another, uneasy and uncomfortable.

Then, the girl with the long, dark hair, who looks very pale and scared too and has been quiet until then, dares to break that silence.

"What is it… Spinel-san? What's happening to him that all of you can feel but no one dares to say out loud?"

"It's... hard to explain," the girl with short hair and emerald eyes says. "It's not something we feel… more like… something we don't feel. I mean, it's like he's not even there. His body is alive, but his soul, his presence… I can't feel it anywhere. It's like… it's gone."

"Gone? What do you mean by gone? I… don't understand."

"It means he feels like a dead body would… without being actually dead, somehow," the other tall, human-like creature with wings and long silver hair answers. "It means he's lost his soul. And without a soul, a person can't live."

"What…?" the girl with the long, dark hair mutters, her violet eyes opening as a horrified look appears on her face. "But… is that even possible?"

"Only in cases of hardcore necromancy. And the body would quickly decay, of course."

"You mean like zombies?"

"Yes. But that's not what happened to him. He wasn't raised from the dead. Technically he hasn't even died yet… his body is not magically reanimated; it's still alive. Barely. But his soul… has left."

"But left… where?"

"We don't know," the woman with long, red hair and grave, serious eyes interrupts. "He told me that, after completion of his ritual, he would die, and there was no telling what would happen to his soul," she sighs. "It could be lost, vanished to another plane of existence, or even… completely destroyed."

"What? You mean it's…?"

"I'm not sure. I mean, since his body is still alive, his soul has to still exist somehow… in some form. There's a link between a person's body and their soul that's only severed in death… and he hasn't died yet."

"No, but he could die any moment now," the butterfly-winged creature says, anxiously. "He looks like… his life was hanging by a thread. How long can a body resist… without a soul in it?"

"I don't know," the woman with long, red hair says, sadly. "There are no records of anything like this ever happening before, but my best guess is... not long. A couple of hours, perhaps. The soul must still be around in some form, even though we can't sense it, or his body would be dead already. Souls tend to stay near their bodies, sometimes even hours after death. They stick around, confused, as if they can't understand that they don't belong on this plane anymore. When I was a priestess at Tsukimine Temple, sometimes I had to help the souls of the deceased let go of this life and move on to the next… because if they failed to do so, they might become ghosts. Maybe, with the ritual and everything, something like that happened to his... Maybe it got lost somewhere between life and death. But his body won't endure it for too long. As more time passes, his soul will drift away more, and the thin thread that still connects them will sever. So I'm guessing, best-case scenario… a few hours is all we've got."

"Can you be more specific?" The panther creature says. "How many hours are we talking about?"

"I… really don't know. I think if we're really lucky, maybe eight... ten hours. Half a day, tops. But it could also be less. There's no way to know for sure."

"Does he feel anything?" the green-eyed girl asks. "I mean, could he be in pain?"

"Not physically… but the souls I've dealt with before were usually in tremendous pain most of the time because of their confusion, and their unwillingness to accept their death and let go," the red-haired woman says, sighing. "But, this is far more complicated than that, because he's not dead, but not really alive either. It's like… he's trapped in between. He can't move forward… but he can't go back either. So… I honestly don't know. I hope not."

"Mizuki-san…" the girl with long, dark hair says, pensively. "Since you helped guide the souls of the deceased out of this plane… maybe it's possible that you could do it… the other way around? I mean… guide his soul back into his body?"

The red-haired woman stares at her, somewhat startled.

"I… don't know. I've never done anything like that, but maybe I could try, if we find it… and his body is still alive, and his soul is intact. But, how could it possibly be… after what he did?"

"Oh," the girl with long, dark hair mutters, as she covers her mouth with her hand in a sudden, horrified moment of understanding.

"What do you mean?" said the green-eyed girl, staring back and forth at both in confusion.

"He… tore his soul apart," the girl with long, dark hair answers, looking even paler than before. "It was like Spinel-san had said before. To be able to perform the ritual, he had to be at his most powerful… and to do that, he had to take away a part of his soul. Some part that made him weaker, somehow."

"It's true," the red-haired woman confirms. "And the ritual itself, because of its nature, was likely to tear it apart even more. So, right now, it's not even about finding his soul… but shreds of it. Which I also don't know where could be, nor how to find… and much less how to put back together. So, what I'm trying to say is…"

"It's hopeless," the panther-like creature says, finishing the sentence no one else dares finish. The red-haired woman nods, a defeated look on her face.

"What?" the butterfly-winged creature exclaims, her eyes turning suddenly fiery. "You made me come back here just to tell me that there is no hope? He's not even dead yet, and you're giving up on him already? I… can't believe you!"

"Nakuru, no one is giving up yet," the panther-like creature says. "But we need to assess the situation realistically… understand what we're dealing with. Maybe, if we do some research into the books, we might find something about lost, fragmented souls, and how to put them back together... if such information even exists. I'm just worried we might not have much to work with, because what he did was quite unprecedented, and also… the books he had hidden in the secret part of his study, which could have provided us with some clues, were almost entirely burned down."

"I'm sorry," the girl with long, dark hair says, crestfallen. "That's my fault. But I don't think we would have found that kind of information there, anyway. Those books weren't about magic or spells… they were biographies."

"Biographies? Whose...? Wait, you mean…"

The girl with long, dark hair nods

"How do you know?"

"He told me," she says, sighing. "Right before wiping my memories."

"Well, this is all really interesting," the butterfly-winged creature interrupts. "You know what? We should continue discussing old books for a while, maybe make some tea and bake some scones, and have a nice, friendly gathering here until he dies up there in his room, and then just see if reality falls apart or not. That would certainly be fun, wouldn't it?"

"Okay, that's enough, Nakuru," the panther creature says.

"Is it? Because apparently, we have time to discuss all kinds of stupid things that lead nowhere! What do I care if he had a whole room full of journals or whatever the fuck those burned books were? He's dying! So when you're ready to stop wasting time and actually do something, come join me! I'll be out there looking for his soul pieces or whatever!"

"And how are you planning to do that? Do you know what they look like, or how to find them?" the panther-like creature says, its voice sounding slightly irritated. "How would you recognize them, if you had the extreme luck of finding one? And what would you do with it? Idiot! This isn't a time to act rashly! We need to understand the situation first, otherwise, we'll be wasting the precious time we have!"

The butterfly-winged creature frowns and snorts.

"Well… I know it's not much to start with, but… I think I might know where one of those soul fragments could be," the girl with long, dark hair timidly says.

"Yes… of course!" the red-haired woman exclaims, her face suddenly lighting up. "The door! Did you find it?"

"No… I didn't even have time to look for it," the girl with long, dark hair says, sighing. "It all happened so fast… I'm sorry. But… I did find this."

Then, blushing a little, she extends her hand, which she had kept in a tight fist the entire time they were talking. In it, there was a shining, golden key with a moon and a sun monogram.

"That's… Eriol's staff key," the butterfly-winged creature exclaims, disconcerted. "Why do you have it? And what does it have to do with anything?"

"It does more than just summon a staff," the red-haired woman says. "It opens a door… a secret door that leads to the place where he's hidden the part of his soul that he wanted to protect."

"Wait… is that the same door you've mentioned before, Tomoyo? The one you saw in your dream, and he didn't want you to go through?" The panther-like creature asks.

Everybody stares at the dark-haired girl.

"Y-yes," she mutters. "I think it is."

"Do you have any idea where it is?"

"No, I'm sorry… I merely saw myself opening it once, in a dream," she nervously says. "I couldn't recognize where it was. It was at the end of some hallway… that seemed like it belonged in this house. But I couldn't really place where."

"It's magically hidden… which means it could be anywhere. The hallway could be disguised. Magically hidden things will only show themselves when the time is right… when the right triggering event occurs."

"And when will this… trigger event or whatever happen?" The butterfly-winged creature says, rather impatiently.

"I… don't know," the panther-like creature says. "We don't even know what it is. It clearly has something to do with Daidouji here, but… Maybe we could look through his books and papers and try to find some clues. Then, we could try to somehow… induce it."

"So, your best plan is still to sit around for hours and read books? Well, screw that! Do whatever you want, but count me out. I won't waste the little time we have browsing pointlessly through old, dusty books, while he's fading out with every second up there. We need to find ourselves some mysterious door? Then I'll go find it!"

"Nakuru, wait…!"

The butterfly-winged creature doesn't listen; she walks rashly towards the study door, ignoring all the others, and opens it. But as soon as she steps outside, she freezes.

"Guys…?" she says, her voice trembling. "What… what the hell is going on?"

…

"So… are you ready to give up?"

"What do you think?"

"I'm thinking not... because you're stubborn as a mule. But you should. Give up, I mean. You're wasting my time. There's no way you'll win this; you know that… don't you?"

"Don't jump to conclusions. Let's just wait and see… shall we?"

There's a snort from the other side of the table, and the man with long, dark, neatly tied hair and round glasses just smiles and moves a black piece on the board, taking with it a white pawn from the square where it was.

The woman in front of him stares at him, unimpressed.

"Is that what you're planning to do? Is that the move you're wasting my time on?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Why don't you resign already and be done with it? You know I've won."

"But, I'm not playing to win," he says, his smile widening. "Not anymore, at least."

"Then, what are you playing for?" The woman says, as she moves another piece and sweeps a black knight out of the board, her reddish, cat-like eyes narrowing slightly. "To annoy me?"

"Maybe just for the fun of it," the man says, his pleasant, relaxed expression never leaving his face as he makes another move. "If things go as planned… we might have few other chances to play chess together."

"Maybe that's a good thing… for you, I mean. I don't mind sweeping the floor with your ass over and over again, but… how would you deal with so much humiliation?" She says in a somewhat smug tone, as she makes another move, and another black piece is out of the board. Although, even if it's almost imperceptible… there seems to be a hint of sadness in her eyes.

"Losing to you is no humiliation at all… it's an honor," he says, pleasantly grinning. "But don't get so cocky now. I win sometimes too, don't I?"

There's another snort coming from the woman's mouth.

"Yeah… sometimes. So… is everything set on your side?" she asks, distractedly, as she moves another piece. "Did you make the… things?"

"Yes… a few days ago. I've been testing them, and so far they seem to be working as intended."

"So... are we ready then? We don't have a lot of time left… I can feel it," she says, and this time, the hint of sadness is more than just a hint.

"Don't worry," he says, and there's sadness in his eyes too. "We'll be ready. There are just a few details to take care of… and also, I have to make a little verification."

"What kind of verification?"

"You'll know really soon," he says, moving one of the few pieces he still has on the board. "Check."

"What?" she says, surprised. "What did you do that for? That was a stupid move; now you leave me no choice but to destroy you!"

"My dear, you never had any other choice but to destroy me. This isn't a friendly game; it's a battle, remember? And as you correctly said, I had no chance of winning it from the beginning. So, sooner or later you would have had to destroy me."

"Then, why keep playing? You could have resigned as soon as you knew."

"If I did that, we would have missed many of our most memorable games… and playing games with you is one of the things I enjoy most. Also… resigning is a cowardly thing to do. No self-respecting man goes out without a fight, does he? This way, I'm ending the game the way I want to. See? I'm making you attack my king now, because if you don't I'll attack yours, so by doing this, I'm ending the game the moment I choose to, the way I choose to. That's much more rewarding than just… resigning." he says, with a self-satisfied grin.

"So, you were playing for the last ten minutes, building a complicated strategy just to force me to checkmate you how and when you wanted… so it would feel like a win, even if you're losing? God… You're a sick person, Clow… did you know that?" she says, a resigned look on her face as she sighs. "You're never going to change."

"For the sake of everyone in this world… let's just hope I will. So, Yuuko-chan… you have a choice. What are you going to do now?"

"Well, I don't like being manipulated… but I don't like losing either. Especially when I was going to win either way. So, I think what I'm going to do is… call a draw."

"A draw?" he says, a bit taken aback. "Why? You can checkmate me. It's your win. You deserve it."

"I know," she says, smiling as her red, cat-like eyes narrow a bit. "But you've worked so hard for me to checkmate you just the way you wanted, that you've taken all the fun away from it. So… a compromise, maybe? A draw can happen if both players agree on it. Do you accept?"

"Can I refuse?"

"You can, but then you'll be an asshole," she says, staring at him. "I'm offering you another way out. The question is… how far are you willing to go, just to have things your way?"

"Okay then… let's call a draw," he says, snorting and giving her an annoyed little look.

"Well played. See?" she says, smiling. "You're not completely without hope."

"I'm not happy about it, though. A draw feels so… inconclusive and boring. I would rather let my king fall down spectacularly and solemnly, like a king should… but you won't let me have any fun."

"You surely love your drama, don't you? For everyone's sake, let's hope you can get past it… in your next life."

He looks at her for a moment, and smiles too. But it's a somewhat sad smile.

"Let's hope," he says, as he gets up from his seat, pulling a golden watch from his pocket and looking at it. "Well, this was entertaining; but now I have to go outside. There's something I need to do. If things are working as they should… she'll be here any moment now. I have to go meet her."

"She…?" the red-eyed woman asks. "Who?"

"My heir," he answers. "The one who will inherit my powers, my memories, and my guardians… in the next life."

"The next life?" the red-eyed woman says, looking surprised. "Then, what is she doing here? She doesn't even exist yet… does she?"

"No… not in this world. Right now, she exists only as a possibility. But if things work out as we foresaw, she will get born someday; and she will find my book, and become Mistress of the Cards. And one day she will travel back in time, using those very same cards, to meet me and ask me some questions. I've seen it all in my dreams. So, in a few moments, we'll know if our plan is going to work or not... because that time is now."

"I see. So… that's the verification you wanted to make."

"Yes. I have to go outside now and meet her. My guardians are already on the grounds… Kerberos is a bit worried, because of some sakura tree that isn't blossoming."

"Sakura…?" the red-eyed woman says, as if that word has some meaning for her.

"Yes… the poetry of it, right? Anyway, I told him it would blossom when the time was right. But maybe I can help speed things up a little." He says, a mischievous look in his eyes.

"Clow, leave that tree alone," the red-eyed woman says. "Don't go around messing with things just because you can. It's a bad habit. Why don't you just let things… be?"

"I could, but… what would be the fun in that?" he says, smiling impishly and staring back at her before leaving the room. "Wish me luck."

…

As soon as we hear Nakuru's shriek, we all hurry towards the door, but before anyone could get there, Yue, who's closest, grabs her by the arm and pulls her back into the study, slams the door shut, and then stands in front of it, blocking our way.

"Stay where you are! All of you!" he yells, with a strange authority that reminds me of when he was Sakura's judge, not her guardian; and we all freeze where we were and stare at him in perplexity.

"What…?" Sakura asks, wide-eyed and puzzled.

"Yuki, what the hell?" Touya says. "What's happening out there?"

He stares back at Nakuru.

"Tell them," he says.

"It's just… the corridor..." Nakuru starts, looking pretty shaken. "The corridor out there… has changed. I mean… it was normal just before, when Tomoyo and I came back from his room, but now… it's different. I know it sounds ridiculous, but… something really weird is going on."

"Different?" Sakura asks. "How?"

"Well, it's dustier… and the plants are all dead, and there's a big-ass portrait hanging from the wall just outside the door that I never saw in my life, and also it's… longer."

"Longer?"

"Yes, longer than it usually was... and there's a thick layer of dirt on the floor, as if no one has swept it in years. It looks like… like it has been abandoned for years. But it was spotless just a couple of minutes ago! I mean, we just came from there, and everything was normal! Wasn't it, Tomoyo?"

I don't know why, but a shudder runs through my spine as I nod to her. As if something about this resonates with me somehow.

"May I… take a look?" I timidly ask.

"No," Spinel says. "I'm sorry, but right now it'll be dangerous for any of us to go out there. We don't really know what's going on."

"Maybe... it's one of his illusions?" Sakura says.

"That's impossible," Spinel retorts. "Right now he has no soul, which means he can't do anything… much less complex magic, like illusions."

"Then, what is it?" Nakuru asks. "Because I swear to God, it was freaky as hell. When I opened that door I thought I was losing my mind!"

"This… might be a consequence of what he did," Mizuki intervenes, staring at us gravely. "The ritual he made created a tear in reality, and it could be starting to shatter… like I told you before. Time and space might have started to get affected."

"What does that even mean?"

"It means things that were stable before… well… aren't anymore. I don't want to scare you… but if this has started to happen, most likely it isn't just the corridor. The entire space inside the kekkai might have started to mutate, to change in ways we can't possibly predict. Time flow could be affected too. It's like... many possible realities are colliding and merging with each other, but nothing really stays. Maybe what's out there doesn't even look like what Nakuru saw anymore."

"What?" Sakura says, looking astonished. "Are you serious?"

"Yes… I know it's a lot to take in, but, as I explained before… this was a risk and he knew it could happen. That's why he created the kekkai, to contain the side effects, so, in case something like this happened… the rest of the world would remain unaffected. That's why I had to seal it. He didn't count on us being stuck inside it, though… just himself."

"So, you mean the worst-case scenario…" Touya mutters.

She stares at him gravely and nods. We all remain quiet for a moment.

"Can we stop it?" Kerberos says.

"I don't know. Maybe… if we manage to save him… to bring him back, the ritual will be undone and things will be back to normal, to what they were before it... Right now, since it wasn't completed, things are unclear… as if several possible realities were fighting to take place all at once. But if he dies, it'll be consummated… and I don't know what kind of reality will prevail then." she says, grimly.

"But…" I say. "If reality really is falling apart… why is nothing happening here?"

Mizuki just sighs.

"Because I cast a protective spell on this room the moment we got here, just in case... I hoped that it wouldn't be necessary... but now I'm guessing it was. It might be enough to stop the changes… for a while."

"For how long?"

"I don't know… but since there are so many powerful beings in this room, maybe we can use our combined powers to reinforce the barrier and keep the changes outside. Like… a kekkai inside the kekkai. Although… it won't last forever. If he dies…" she presses her lips, leaving the sentence unfinished.

"Oh my God! He's upstairs!" Nakuru suddenly exclaims. "He's alone in his bedroom, completely unprotected while all this reality-mutating shit happens! We must go get him!"

"I don't think he'll be in any danger, Nakuru," Mizuki says. "I mean, no more than he already is, anyway. He's the cause of this; he's like the vortex around whom all these changes are converging, so they won't affect him, as long as he's alive. But it'll be dangerous for us to go outside this room without a solid plan. Once things start to change they won't stop; and we could easily get lost out there, unable to find each other, or him, or this room… ever again."

"But then, how are we going to find the damned door, and the soul-shreds or whatever?" Nakuru says. "How are we going to put them back into his body, if we can't even leave this room?"

"We'll… find a way. But first, we need to think this through. Things have become… much more complicated than expected, and acting recklessly could be fatal," Spinel says, seriously. "So, until we have a reasonable plan, no one does anything impulsive, nor leaves the room. Do we all agree?"

We all say yes, even Nakuru, although she doesn't look too convinced.

"Okay then. Now, those with magic powers help me reinforce Mizuki-san's protective spell, and then we'll try to come up with some plan. We're smart people, and there are plenty of books here with information that might help us, so, don't worry… we'll… we'll figure something out". Spinel says, trying to sound optimistic.

And we all make our best effort to smile, and look as if we believe him.

…

Where am I?

How long has it been?

I open my eyes in the dim room, and suddenly, a jolt of panic runs through my body.

God… did I fall asleep?

As I rub my eyes, I realize there's no way to know how many hours have passed, besides the aching stiffness I feel in every muscle of my body from sitting too long on the floor, against a cold, hard wall. There's no access to any source of natural light, clocks and cellphones have stopped working inside the kekkai… but to me, it seems like we've been here for ages.

In the past hours, we went through so many books and discussed so many ideas –none of them even close to what Spinel called reasonable-, that it feels as if we've been locked inside this study for days. I know it's not the case, I know it's only been hours, but… how many? Five? Ten? Fifteen? It's impossible to say. All this time, and we're still not any closer to fixing this, nor saving him, than we were before.

Every now and then, someone has opened the study door just for a second, to have a peek at how things were outside; and every time they've seen different, increasingly strange and disturbing things.

Yue saw the corridors being flooded; streams of water were leaking from the ceiling and running through the walls. Later, Sakura saw the walls cracking and peeling, filling with moss and deteriorating rather quickly, as if hundreds of years passed in just the blink of an eye, and underneath the paint and the cement there weren't bricks but some kind of different, harder material, something like… white marble. Li-kun saw the corridor invaded by ivy and different kinds of weeds, and also many strange insects, some of which tried to sneak inside when the door was opened, only to disintegrate when they tried to trespass the protective barrier…

And so on.

Things were getting really scary… as if we were trapped inside some poltergeist movie or something.

Time passed and kept passing; as we kept trying to find something in the books, or in our minds that could give us an answer, a glimpse of hope… but we didn't find anything. Eventually, everyone became more disheartened and exhausted. Some of us had plane flights, some hadn't even slept in the last, heavily eventful 24 hours, so eventually, tiredness and hopelessness started to claim us all, one by one.

The last thing I remember seeing through my very heavy lids was Nakuru; the last one who remained stubbornly awake, with a book in her hands that she wasn't really reading and couldn't possibly understand (even if she wasn't completely drained out), with her gaze lost somewhere in the ceiling, struggling to not fall asleep…

God... how long has it been since that? An hour? Two? Eight?

Everyone around me is still asleep, but I don't really feel rested, so I want to believe it wasn't that long. I want to think there's still plenty of time, that Eriol is still alive and that soon everybody will wake up and keep thinking and then, we'll finally find that plan, that genius idea that had been eluding us and that would give us a chance to save him…

But I know that's not the case.

I know however little time we have, it's almost over; there's only a small pile of sand left in the hourglass, and there's no answer to this madness, no genius, life-saving plan to turn to.

Or maybe there is. Maybe the last, the only possible plan, it's the simplest, the most obvious one.

I have to go and find it.

As soon as the thought appears in my mind, I know it's true. The only thing to do besides sit here on my ass and read yet another book is to go outside, with the key in my hand, and find that damned door.

As I get up from the corner I'm sitting against and stretch my sore limbs, I feel my mind clearing up, and a strange feeling of confidence overcomes me. I will find that door; I know it; it doesn't matter that reality is falling apart or that this house is turning into a gigantic, ever-changing maze. I've already seen myself doing it. It's hitzusen… isn't it? They haven't seen it, so… they wouldn't be able to understand.

I move as quietly as I can among the sleeping figures, trying to not make a sound, to not wake anybody up; but before I get to lay my hand on the doorknob, I feel something grasping the fabric of my dress. I look down, and I see Mizuki-san, sitting on the floor against a wall too, rubbing her sleepy eyes and staring questioningly at me.

"I'm sorry," I mutter, as softly as I can. "I know you said it was unsafe to go outside… but I have to. I can't keep waiting anymore. I have to go and find that door."

"I… understand," she says in a whisper. "Daidouji-san… you don't have the amulet I gave you anymore… do you?"

I just sigh and shrug.

"No. I'm… sorry, Mizuki-san. I've failed to keep my promise. I said I would return it to you, but... I had to take it off, and he destroyed it, so…"

She just stares at me in concern, and sighs.

"That's a shame. Daidouji-san, how... was it? Seeing him... like that."

"It was… awful. Mizuki-san, you were right about everything. I should have listened to you. It was really terrible. Like he wasn't himself at all… yet at the same time, he was more himself than ever… but in a dark, twisted way. Exactly how he said he truly was, countless times, but I wouldn't believe him. Mizuki-san… you've known him far longer than I have… could it be that…?"

"Don't ask such questions, Daidouji-san. Whatever you saw… whatever he said to you… you have to remember it wasn't him. That wasn't the Eriol that we know."

"Yes, but… it felt like him. I mean, not at first, but then… even though his words, his actions were so full of hatred, they were also full of pain... and fear. And that pain and fear, I've sensed in him before, I knew were there. I really… don't know what to think, Mizuki-san. Haven't you wondered… what if we're just pawns in a game other people were playing, maybe since before we were born? What if everything we love and believe in are just lies… illusions, or something?"

"Daidouji-san… you're thinking about this with your rational mind, and Clow was an expert at messing with those. That's what I always told Eriol and he never understood. We've been moving in Clow's territory all along. We're all inside one of his schemes, surrounded by his puzzles, and he can keep us busy for decades trying to figure them up, trying to beat them… But, it's useless. That won't lead you anywhere… except where he wants you to be."

"Then… what should I do?"

"Maybe… stop looking with your mind's eye… instead, look deep inside yourself… deeper than your mind, even deeper than your heart and your feelings… There's a place inside you that knows who you are, what you want, and what you need to do… isn't there? A place where everything makes sense... where there's peace. Can you find it?"

I close my eyes for a second, and try to feel, to find that place.

"I… think so."

"What does it tell you? Even if we're all just pawns in a game other people set up many years ago… are you ready to stop playing?"

I open my eyes and stare at her for a moment, a bit surprised at myself.

"No. Not yet."

"Why?"

"Because if I stop playing now, he dies… and I can't let that happen."

"Why?

"Because… he's real. The Eriol you and I know… he's a real person. He's not just Clow's reincarnation; he's not a facade, nor an illusion. He's a person, a good person, who deserves to exist in this world. And he still exists, somewhere."

"Do you really believe that? Even after all you saw and heard?"

"I have to."

"Why?"

"Because if I don't... then nothing makes sense anymore. If people really can't change, if they can't rise above their fear and their pain and their past… then what's the point of anything? But I know they can. I could, because he helped me. And I know he did too. I've seen it. More so, I feel it… in my heart."

"Then, Daidouji-san… who gets to say what's true and what's fake for you?"

"You're right," I say, somewhat relieved. "Thank you… Mizuki-san. You've been nothing but helpful. I didn't expect this from you… but you really are an amazing person. I promise you, I won't let you down. I won't doubt myself, nor him, again."

"Yes, you will. You will, maybe a thousand times more. But it doesn't matter. When it happens again, just… try to find that place inside you; that place of peace. That place where you know... where everything makes sense. Be careful out there, Daidouji. It's a pity you no longer have the amulet… it could have protected you. You have to understand that without it, you'll undoubtedly get lost out there. You won't be able to come back."

"I know. Don't worry… I won't need to," I say, feeling strangely certain. I suddenly realize it doesn't matter that I won't be able to find my way back, because there's nothing to come back to. Unless I somehow manage to save him, soon no place will be safe anymore; and reality as we know it might collapse, so... "All I need to do now is….. move forward."

She nods. Then, she stares at Sakura.

"You should take them with you," she whispers, and I realize she means the cards, which are lying on the table where Sakura is leaning, completely asleep. "They have a part of his power sealed in them, and her power too… so, even if you can't use them, maybe in some way, they can guide you… and protect you."

I just stare at them and back at her, unsure.

"I couldn't possibly..."

"She'll be fine… don't worry," she says. "She doesn't really need them anymore, she has outgrown them... and I'm sure she'd want you to take them. As long as you have them, a part of her is with you. But if you wake her up and ask her, she won't let you step outside. I'm sure you know that… don't you?"

"Yes," I say, looking tenderly at the sleeping Sakura. Of course she wouldn't let me go. She would try to stop me in any way possible. She wouldn't understand that I have to do this.

Then, I walk towards the table, and silently, affectionately, I brush a lock of hair from Sakura's sleeping forehead… and grab the book of cards lying next to her.

"I'm sorry, Sakura-chan…" I whisper. "I'll try my best to return them to you… after I fix this."

As I go back to the door and open it, I look down at Mizuki-san.

"Thank you… again," I say.

"Good luck," she answers.

Alright, then.

It's time to end this.

…

But what I behold once I walk out of the study… is something I never expected.

The corridor looks old and abandoned, and it extends before me for miles, as if it had no end; and I can't see how far it goes. It's really dark; but there are some dim, intermittent lights on the ceiling that allow me to see the way, and its (possibly) endless extension; and on every side of me there are portraits hanging from the walls, and many, many identical doors.

And as soon as I see it, a shudder runs through my spine, because suddenly I realize… I've already been here.

It's the dream. My dream, I mean, the one with the endless corridor and the masks; the one that used to unsettle me so much. Only there are no masks here, just portraits; but the feeling of it is… exactly the same.

I have to walk that distance and find, find…

What?

Suddenly, I realize that things that were so obvious just a few moments before, are starting to become unclear.

Who am I… and what am I doing there?

Why am I all alone in this corridor, and why do I feel it's so urgent and imperative to find this… this… thing?

I don't really know anymore, but… I start walking.

…

There's a time gap from which I don't remember anything. It feels like I've been walking through this corridor for a very long time, maybe forever; as if my sole purpose in life, the sole meaning of my existence, was to walk this length.

Alone. Forever.

There are pictures hanging at my sides, but I barely pay any attention to them. They display the faces of people I don't know, people I don't care about. There are doors too, but I don't even try to open them. I somehow feel there's nothing behind them that could interest me; because… what could interest me, if I don't even know who I am?

Only when my feet start to hurt, I remember I have feet. I've almost forgotten that I have a body, that I'm probably someone, a person, with a name; but all of that doesn't seem to matter anymore. What matters is to keep walking, and find it. Find what? I don't remember that either… but I feel like it's crucial to keep looking.

Maybe when I find it, I'll know.

Eventually, after an indefinite lapse of time walking in that desolate corridor, something calls my attention. I seem to notice one picture, among the many hanging on the walls.

A photo of a green-eyed girl with short, auburn hair, sitting alone on a swing. I stop for a moment and look at it - not really sure of why I'm doing it, feeling something strange in my chest, when something in my hand tingles; and I remember that I have a hand, and that it's holding something.

A book?

It's a strange book with a lock that's actually tingling in my hand, as if there was something trapped inside that wanted out.

Suddenly, I feel compelled to touch that picture. Not really thinking about what I'm doing, I raise my hand, and lay it on the frame. The photo starts glowing, and the thing inside the book I'm holding seems to agitate even more, and for some strange reason, my heart (I suddenly notice that I have a heart) starts beating very fast.

Open it, some strange voice inside me (or is it outside me?) says. It's like a murmur that I hadn't noticed until now, but which has become clear.

Open it. Open it. Open it.

It means the door. The door that is right next to the picture; and behind which I suddenly sense, there might be what I'm looking for.

Maybe it's there?

Without thinking, like moved by some strange force, I lay my hand on the doorknob and open it.

…

I'm walking alone through King Penguin Park. Sunset is just falling on a warm summer day; and as I walk, I see the sky displaying the most beautiful shades of pinks and oranges and purples, I hear the sounds of the crickets and the birds, and for a moment, I just stop to enjoy this strange, unusual feeling of being almost happy, almost completely at peace.

That is, until I start hearing less comforting noises. Slowly, so gradually that I don't even notice when it has started, the air is filled with another sound: the sound of someone sobbing, crying, not too far from me, in the playground area. For some strange reason that I can't understand, I feel my heart beating faster, and instinctively, I start walking towards that sound. And then... I see it. Alone, sitting on one of the swings. It's her; the girl I saw in the picture: short, auburn hair, green eyes, a sad, beaten expression on her face...

And suddenly, I realize I know that girl.

It's…

Sakura… chan?

My heart jumps. My first instinct is to run towards her, ask her what she's crying about, and try to comfort her; but I can't do any of that. I feel like... paralyzed. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I sense there's something wrong with this scene; as if something was missing, or someone else was supposed to be here, and isn't… but I just can't put my finger on what it is, or who.

It's odd. Inside me, a strange feeling stirs, like an obscure awareness, that this is a chance in a million. If I walk to her right now without losing another second, if I talk to her, everything I always wanted would be mine. And I'm really tempted to follow this hunch and do just that, but the feeling of something being wrong or amiss lingers inside me, and I just can't decide to. As if, by doing this, I'd gain something I wanted, but at the same time, lose something too. Something that I can't even imagine what it is, but seems incredibly important.

So, as I struggle with the conflict that has suddenly taken place inside me, I just remain there, watching her frozen in place; until eventually, someone else appears.

A boy with brown hair and eyes, who stares at her with concern, soon approaches her, sits next to her, and starts talking to her. And she talks to him, for a long while, and she cries, but then, eventually… she smiles.

Only then do I notice the book in my hands.

With a painful and bittersweet feeling in my chest, and my eyes inexplicably filling with tears, I turn around and start walking away. And as I do so, I feel some inexplicable urge growing inside me of getting away from there, of going somewhere else, somewhere when I'm expected; where someone is expecting me. And I hurry up my pace and start running, trying to get away as fast as possible. And I run and run as fast as I can, until my heart is thumping like crazy and I can't hear them anymore, until everything turns black.

…

I wake up to the feeling of something tickling my nose. I open my eyes, and I notice the soft summer breeze has messed up my hair, and there are locks all over my face.

Then, I look down and see him: a head full of dark, silky hair spread over my lap, eyes closed, half-open lips, glasses still on his face but half fallen, and a book, forgotten in the grass, while a ladybug relentlessly walks over its cover.

My best friend since third grade; ever since I caught him lighting a stink bomb in the classroom. And more than a friend since a few weeks ago… when he kissed me by the lake at Tsukimine Temple, after he confessed to me that he could do magic… and also, that he had liked me for a very long time.

More than a friend. It's still strange to acknowledge him as that, but it also feels… kind of great. I, too, have liked him for a very long time; maybe even since that fateful morning when we first met. And now, to be with him like this is…

Strange.

Even though my heart is still thumping fast because of the weird dream I just had, now that I see him here, close to me, I start feeling a little more at ease. As if… things were okay. As if things were the way they should be; and I had woken up in the best world I could possibly be in. I run a hand through his hair, and for a moment, I try to imagine what a sad, gray thing my life would be if I hadn't met him, or if things had happened in a different way. To think that all these things that make me so happy; his eyes that look at me, his words, his lips that kissed me, his dark hair scattered over my summer dress, his constant presence by my side since we were kids; all of that was due to something as incidental and as ridiculous as a stink bomb, a boy's mischief on a spring morning, so many years ago…

Nostalgically, I look at the sky, and suddenly I notice the sun is setting. Soon it will be too late to go home, and my mom will kill me if I show up past my curfew again.

"Eriol," I mutter, shaking him gently, until he starts stirring and lazily opens his eyes. "It's getting late… I have to go home."

"What… did I fall asleep?" he mutters, smiling, as he arranges his glasses and sits up on the grass.

"Yeah. We both did," I say, standing up, shaking off the grass and twigs from my dress, and grabbing the forgotten book from the ground. "It's almost dusk. My mom won't be too impressed with you if I get home late again, you know? She already suspects something."

"Then, why don't you just tell her the truth?" he says, smiling maybe a bit smugly. "That we're no longer… you know… just friends? That I'm your…"

"Because she thinks you're a bad influence… She's one of the few people who doesn't fall for your good boy act, you know? So, we need to get you on her good side first."

"I see… So, the mother is just as perceptive as the daughter… isn't she?" he says, jokingly. "Then, I'll have to use my charm on her, like I did on you."

"Yeah… I don't think your charming pranks and misdemeanors will impress her too much," I say.

"Then… maybe I could try and see if I can turn back time a little, so you get home earlier. I haven't tried that yet… but something tells me that I would be able to, if I really focused. That way, she'll be happy."

"Why not just… stop wasting time talking nonsense and walk me home? If we hurry a bit, we can still make it in time."

He chuckles, and kisses me on the nose.

And then, we're walking through King Penguin Park, holding hands on what seems like the end of a pleasant summer day. But the strange uneasiness from the dream remains, and as I walk, I start wondering who was that girl I've seen, and why did I feel so compelled to reach out to her, why did she feel so familiar, so dear to me… I'm sure I've seen her face before, but now… I can't really place where.

That's why, when I hear the sobbing sounds coming from the playground area, a shiver runs down my spine.

"Did you hear that?" I ask.

"Yes," he says. "Sounds like someone is… crying. Want to go and check?"

It's odd and maybe a bit creepy, and I suddenly feel the need to get away from there as soon as possible. But I follow him anyway, and then… I see her.

It's the girl from my dream. And I realize… I recognize her.

"Eriol…" I say. "Isn't that… Kinomoto-san? From class 8-2?"

"You're right," he says. "That's Kinomoto-san."

"This… is the weirdest thing," I mutter, a bit spooked out. "I've just had a dream about her… like, just now. I saw her there, in that swing, right where she is now… crying… It was the exact same situation."

"Wow," he says. "Really? Who knows… maybe I'm not the only one developing powers here. Wouldn't that be neat? We could be like a couple of superheroes."

"Shut up," I say, nervously, as I give him a little punch. "This is serious. In my dream, I knew her. I mean… really knew her. It felt as if she and I were close… as if she was very important to me. And you… you weren't even there. Like you weren't part of my life at all. It felt so real… it was kind of scary."

"You know… some people believe there are many possible worlds, or realities… all somewhat different from one another... all happening at once. Maybe… your dream showed you another reality."

"You mean… like a parallel universe?" I say, staring at him. "Do you believe in that?"

"No… not really," he says, looking at the girl in the swing with a strange, almost gloomy look in his eyes. "I think there can only be one reality... and there's a moment in everyone's lives when they have to decide… which reality is the one they want to live in. Although, that decision isn't always a conscious one."

"What… do you mean?"

"It's called… hitzusen," he says. "Do you know what that word truly means?"

"I feel as if I should know… it feels familiar, but… I can't remember now. But if that's so, then… when did I make the choice that allowed me to be here… and not in that other world from my dream?"

"I think… right about now," he says.

"What?" I stare at him, surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Just… look at her. You're the most perceptive person I know. Look at her… and tell me why she's alone."

And I look at her, trying to remember all the times I've passed her in school hallways. Above all, I try to remember her eyes. They were green; and they sparkled when she smiled; but for some strange reason, underneath that, they always seemed a bit melancholic and lost and…

"She's very popular, and everybody likes her," I say, as a strange feeling grows in my chest. "She's always surrounded by people. But it's like… she's missing something. I think she doesn't have a real friend, someone she can really talk to. It looks like something really sad happened to her today, yet no one is with her. Maybe no one knows. Maybe she doesn't have anyone to share it with."

"And why is that?"

"I don't know… but it gives me an odd feeling to see her like that, so sad and lonely. I don't know what it is, I barely know her, yet suddenly I feel as if I knew her. It's the weirdest thing. It's really upsetting. Eriol, I don't want to see her anymore. Let's get out of here. Let's forget about her."

"Really… Tomoyo?" he says in the strangest voice, which adds to the unsettling feeling in my chest. "Are you sure you can do that? Are you sure you want to turn your back on this… on her?"

I look at him, suddenly startled, disconcerted; his gaze looks strange, as if it belonged to a completely different person. And suddenly, I feel like a different person too… almost like I did in my dream.

"What's… happening?"

"My dear…" he says, staring at me with a bittersweet smile. "Don't ask me. You know it better than anyone."

"No," I say. "I don't know!"

"Tomoyo…" he replies, softly stroking the side of my face. "You know."

And in a terrible, frightening moment, I realize it's true. I realize I know.

"Is this... a magic trick?" I ask, as a desperation like I've never felt before starts growing in my chest. "Is this another one of your tricks, like the water thing, Eriol? Are you playing with my head? Because if that's the case, I want you to stop now. It's not funny!"

"It's not a trick, dear. My powers had been increasing more and more lately; now I can control dreams and illusions, I can create them… and I can also wake people up from them. Tomoyo…"

I look down at the book I'm still holding in my hand, the book I hadn't paid any attention to until now, and I see there's a title on it.

The Clow.

"No!" I scream, dropping the book as if it burned, and pressing my hands against my ears. "Don't say it! I don't want to hear it!"

"I don't need to say it, because you already know it... don't you?" he says, staring at me painfully, as he places his hands on mine, and gently pushes them away from my ears. "You know what I'm about to say."

I stare at him, and my eyes fill with tears.

"You're about to say... that this is the dream… aren't you?" I mutter. "That this isn't my world... and I don't belong here. That I have to go back to where I belong… and leave you."

"Tomoyo," he says, staring at me with sad eyes. "I don't want you to leave, but... this was your choice. It was you... who chose something else. It was you who didn't choose this."

"But... what if I choose differently this time?" I say. "What if, instead, I choose to stay here, with you?"

He stares at me, surprised.

"You think... you can do that? That would mean going against fate, because this... was already decided. You can't do anything different."

"But what if I wanted to?" I say, growing impatient. "What would that entail? Answer me!"

"Well... if you wanted to choose this... you'd need to create a fracture in time and destiny, and destroy that thing," he says, looking down at the book lying on the grass, at our feet. "That thing... doesn't have a place in this world. That thing has the power to destroy everything. If you get rid of it, make it disappear somehow... then, maybe, you can stay here... and this could be our world. This could be our reality."

"I… want to," I say, feeling a knot in my throat. "I really want to. Things… are simpler here. I'm happy. All I would want is to stay here forever. With you. But, what would happen to them... if I chose this? What would happen to her?" I say, staring at the girl crying alone in a swing.

"Well..." he sighs. "In this world you would have love, and you'd never have to feel alone again; but for this world to exist, things would have to be a lot different. I wouldn't have any memories from my previous lives, which means I would never create my guardians, and the cards would never exist. She wouldn't have to become their mistress nor awaken her powers, and he would never have to come from China to collect them. In this world, they never meet… and you never become her friend. That's why she's all alone... why she feels so incomplete. She's missing something, but she doesn't know what it is. And she'll never know, because what she's missing doesn't exist in this world; it's nothing but an unfulfilled possibility. In this world, she's the one who has to cry and feel the emptiness in her heart. It can't be any other way… there is no world in which everyone could be equally happy, in which everyone would have it all. The universe needs balance. And that's why you didn't... why you won't choose this world. Because of her... and because you're unbelievably strong. I just wish I was as strong as you... because all I'd want is for us to stay here. Everything would be… so much easier."

As I hear him, tears run down my cheeks.

"I... understand. And I want that too, but… it would be wrong. You know that… right? Yes, things would be easier for us, and we would live more innocent, carefree lives… but at what cost? Other people's happiness? Other people's... existence? It just… isn't right. You're right, as much as I want to... I can't choose this. In part because of her, and him… because they deserve to meet, and be happy together. But also, your guardians... They'll never come to exist here, and they deserve to exist. I know you love them very much, I know how important they are to you. They helped you grow and become who you are. I know you wouldn't want them to disappear. And... there's another reason why I can't choose this now, and it's... you. I don't think I can explain it to you, but, Eriol... in truth, you're so much more than you are now. Everything you have been through has made you stronger, better... kinder. You've become such an amazing person… but in this world, you'll never know how much. A part of you, an important part, would be forever lost. It would be like cheating… like erasing all we went through and everything we did to become who we are. Don't be sad, Eriol," I say, as I stroke his face. "Even if this is a dream… I promise that, one way or another, I'll be there, by your side, when I wake up. And even if you say it's impossible… I'll try my best to find a reality in which everybody can be… happy."

He just stares at me, with a special, strange glow on his eyes; a glow I've never seen on them… in this life. But still, I know it. I've seen it before.

"I believe you. If there's anyone who can accomplish such a thing… it's you."

He smiles, wiping my tears with his hand; and I feel a bittersweet smile forming on my face. Then, he touches my cheek, where it's wet, and lays a soft kiss against it.

"Thank you for being with me in this world… and in the other one too. I'll be waiting for you at the end. Please... don't give up on me."

I shake my head no with a silent, sad smile. My hand lets go of his, and I turn around and start walking away.

…

Suddenly, I'm back in the corridor, closing the door I've just opened.

I'm not really sure of what has just happened; the details are already fading in my mind, but I notice that my face is all wet with tears, and there's like a strange ache in my chest that just won't go away. But then, I realize it's really not that important. What's important is that I still haven't found the door… the right door, I mean. What's important now is to remember who I am, and my purpose; to not get lost again… to keep walking until I find it.

And so, I do. At least for a while.

Because it's too easy to get lost here. The corridor extends before me like it has no end, and there are so many pictures in it, and so many doors… how would I even know if I've found the right one? How to distinguish that door from the hundreds, thousands that are here? And what would happen if I chose the wrong one? Will I be able to come out of it again? Won't I be forever trapped in another, different reality?

What are all these doors anyway?

As I keep walking through the endless corridor, I struggle to stay focused, to not lose my mind and my goal again. I keep repeating to myself must find the right door, must find the right door; but this place is so tricky, it's like a maze, and my memories seem to want to fly away from me as if they're made of wind; they seem to want to leave me, and I have to make a great effort to keep them, to remember who I am and why I'm here.

Must find the right door… must find the right door…

But what happened before, when I opened that other door, the one that wasn't right?

I remember finding a familiar face in one of the pictures, and then the thing in my hand tingled…

Suddenly, I look at the pictures that hang on the walls on both sides. They don't really say anything to me; but I realize if I look at them long enough, they start mesmerizing me. I can just get lost in the faces, in the colors, in their expressions; I start seeing who they are, who they could be or have been; they open new, different worlds to me, different realities, and I start confusing what's real, what's important, like the faces of my friends and their names, or the reasons why I'm here at all.

So, I try not to stare at them directly; just see them from the corner of my eye and keep walking until something happens that gives me a reason to stop.

But... that something never happens.

Must find the right door… must find the right door…

Time keeps passing, and I keep walking. I no longer know for how long. All I know is the scenery never really changes; it's always pictures and doors and a creepy, abandoned corridor that extends before me like it will never end. It starts feeling almost as if I am walking in circles, never getting anywhere. Eventually, I start feeling desperate. There's only a little time left, so I speed up my pace, hoping to find out if there's anything different ahead, maybe the door I'm looking for... but there is nothing. Or maybe it's still so far ahead that I haven't reached it yet.

How much longer would I have to walk until I find it?

With every step, tiredness and anxiety seem to grow more and more; they start to overcome me, until I feel hopeless and desperate. So, I start running, in an attempt to speed things up somehow, to get to the end of this damn corridor, to get anywhere at all. I run and run, until I'm so tired I can't anymore, until my legs tremble and I'm out of breath and even more desperate and frustrated than before, because it was all useless, because I'm nowhere closer to my goal than I was before. I feel a strong urge to scream, to cry, to do anything that's not moving in an endless straight line, and since there's no one here and it doesn't seem to matter what I do anyway, I give into that urge; I scream out loud my frustration until my throat hurts and I don't have any strength to do it anymore, until I can't almost breathe from all the screaming and all the running and my heart pounds as if it wants to escape from my chest.

Then, I stop.

I let myself fall to the floor, and I just cry in frustration and anguish. Suddenly, I feel that nothing matters anymore; not my friends, not him, not reality about to collapse; all that matters is to get out of here by any means possible, to leave this house and this corridor forever. I'm exhausted and scared and I can't stand it anymore; if I stay here much longer, I'm going to lose my mind.

Not caring anymore about what's behind these doors or what world I might get lost in, I stand up, walk to the nearest door, and open it.

And what I see then... it's nothing I could have possibly expected.

…

It's just… another corridor.

It's another freaking corridor.

Almost the same as the one I'm in: old, abandoned, stretching on forever, with walls filled with portraits and doors.

Unable to believe what I'm seeing, I just go to the next door, and open it.

It also leads to another corridor.

Then, feeling how desperation grows and grows inside me, I start opening all the doors on both my sides: all of them lead to new, almost identical corridors, with only minor differences between them.

I feel like I'm going insane. I even notice myself laughing hysterically, as I keep opening doors and doors, just to find the same thing in all of them. Then, not giving a fuck about anything anymore, I decide to go inside one of them, into one of those other corridors; and once I'm there, I choose a random door in that corridor and open it too, just to find it leads to another corridor too. So I walk in, and keep doing that again and again, senselessly; opening random doors and walking through them into different corridors, until I no longer know where I am or can't possibly find my way back to the original one.

Not that it matters anyway. Nothing matters anymore. This place is just a giant, freakishly intricate maze without an exit; and suddenly I think that maybe I'm being punished for something: for being a bad friend, a bad daughter, for failing to stop him, and maybe this is my punishment. Maybe I'm just doomed to be forever lost in this never-ending labyrinth, roaming through corridors and opening doors until exhaustion or hunger claims me, or until reality finishes going to shit and everybody dies.

…

Find the place, Daidouji-san.

Find that place inside you; that place of peace. That place where you know... where everything makes sense

Suddenly, in the middle of my desperation, a voice sounds in my head. A female voice, from a woman who's older and more experienced than me, from a woman who has suffered for the same person I have and who I thought I resented, but turned out to be nothing but a beacon, an ally, a guide.

Mizuki-sensei, I think, and strangely, a feeling of calmness, of fondness appears in my chest. She had also saved and guided Sakura-chan when she needed it the most; when she met her most desperate hour, and that turned out alright. Sakura-chan, with all her power, has always trusted in others; always let herself be helped, by Kero-chan, by Yue-san, by Mizuki-san, by Syaoran-kun, by her brother, by me… So if she, being the Cards Mistress, could accept help and guidance, why do I think I have to do everything alone? Why do I believe I'm all by myself in this, in everything, all the time?

Suddenly, I stop moving altogether. Listening to Mizuki-san's voice, I stand still in the middle of a random corridor, close my eyes, breathe in... and try to find that place inside myself, that place where there's calm and peace, that place where I know who I am, what I need, and what I have to do.

Then, I understand I'm not alone.

As long as you have them, a part of her is with you.

And so is he.

Also... I realize something. If this was all planned by other people a long time ago, that means there's at least one person who understands all of this better than me, better than anyone. Someone who must be watching over us, making sure everything happens according to plan. Someone who knows the answers to all my questions, and who might have even predicted how this will end.

And I've already met that person.

I just have to find her again.

I open my eyes, and, without really thinking about what I'm doing, I raise the book to my face almost until it almost touches my lips, and I whisper to it.

"Please… take me to her."

Then, something strange happens. It's like a heartbeat in my hands; almost as if there was something alive trapped inside the covers of that book that wanted to come out, and I feel something, like a hunch. I close my eyes and I start walking, slowly, trying to pay full attention to the book, to the way it feels and tingles in my hands, and whenever I feel something different, I stop. Then, I look at the portrait closest to me, raise my hand and touch it, and the door next to it makes a clicking sound, as if it has been unlocked. I open that door, and it takes me to a different corridor, but this time it isn't random. It's as if some strange, invisible force inside the book was showing me a path, was telling me which doors I need to open; and I follow it, slowly and with my eyes closed through many, many corridors, many turns and many doors, until eventually, finally… I open my eyes and find myself standing before the picture I've been seeing in my mind all the time.

It's a picture I've already seen before, in this very house, one rainy afternoon, after having tea with him and after he explained to me what the cards really were. The picture of a very beautiful woman, with long, black, luscious hair, all made up in a complicated hairdo, staring at me with reddish, unfathomable, catlike eyes.

Holding my breath, I reach out and touch it. It emits a faint glow, and there's a clicking noise in the door right next to it, and I know I won't find another corridor behind it. So, without giving myself any more time to doubt, I lay my hand on the knob, open it, and walk inside.

…

Suddenly, I'm standing in the middle of an antique-looking, luxurious Tudor-style living room, yet every piece of furniture in sight, from the carpet to the chandeliers, looks spotless and brand new, as if they weren't antiques but actually modern, up-to-date furnishings in an up-to-date home. For some reason, I start getting a strange feeling of déjà vu... as if I've seen this place before.

The room is illuminated by sunlight coming from the huge windows; and beyond their thin, white curtains, a lush green courtyard can be seen. In the middle of the room there's a big, unlit fireplace; and right next to it I see a carved, intricate chess table, with a few pieces lying on it in disarray, as if it had been used for a game just recently. And, on each side of that table, two big, velvet armchairs… one of which is occupied by someone, from whom I can only see a white, slender arm, and a hand with long nails holding a long Japanese pipe.

"Well, well, well… you've finally found your way here," a feminine voice comes from the armchair, startling me. "Please… come closer. I've been wanting to see your face."

I cautiously approach the armchair, until I see the person sitting there. It's an eccentric-looking, yet undoubtedly beautiful woman; a woman who looks about twenty-something, yet has a strange quality that makes her seem much, much older… or ageless, maybe.

She stares at me for a moment through her reddish, feline-looking eyes outlined by long lashes, and I realize she looks exactly like she did in her picture: tall and voluptuous, mysterious and extravagant with her ornamented kimono and her long, dark hair all made up in an elaborate hairdo.

And I realize I know this woman. I've heard about her, read about her, even dreamed about her. Suddenly, I realize I've been needing to meet her.

"Please… have a sit, dear," she says, pointing to the other armchair, which is empty. I sit down and stare at her for a few seconds. "You must surely be tired and thirsty. Do you want some tea?"

My first impulse is to decline, but then I realize that I'm actually quite thirsty. So, I nod. She smiles, pours some fragrant tea into a cup, and offers it to me.

"Here, have some. This is a herbal mix I made myself… I'm sure you'll like it, and it will surely soothe you a little. Well… this is an exciting moment, isn't it? I was really looking forward to meeting you."

"Were you?" I ask, after sipping the tea. It tastes delicious, and it really seems to soothe me a little bit. "Lately, it seems like everyone expects me to show up at all kinds of odd places."

She laughs.

"That's because you're a very important person… Tomoyo Daidouji-san."

"Thank you, but… I'm not such a thing. Although, I'm glad to be here. There are some things I need to ask you… Yuuko-san. I'm sorry… I don't know your last name."

"Oh, it's not important. There's no need for such formalities between us; especially since we share such a special bond," she says, a pleased, yet enigmatic look on her face as she sucks on her pipe, and lets out a silver cloud of smoke.

"Bond…?"

"Yes. Like I said, I've been expecting you… for a very long time. Much of what happened to you lately happened so we could finally meet. Just imagine… you and me, the only two people who truly got to know him, understand him, and love him… in all of his lives."

"Three," I correct her. "There's been at least three."

"Well, there's been more, of course, but the other ones don't count. None of them were as important as you and I are."

"You mean, for Eriol… or for Clow?"

"Oh, again with the names. Don't get so fixated on that."

"But, even without the names… the person you love, and the person I love… are not the same… are they?"

"They are, and at the same time, they aren't. If you mean their soul… it is the same. But the same soul can reside in two very different people."

"I see. So, will you tell me why you wanted to meet me… Yuuko-san?"

"Well… first, out of curiosity. I wanted to see the face of the person who would carry my legacy… it's a nice face, I must say. I see he's still going for raven-haired, which flatters me… but you could use a makeover. You would look so much prettier if you styled your hair more, and dressed in something fancier... But overall, you seem okay. I'm pleased."

"I look like this because I've been through a lot," I say, staring at the white dress I'm wearing, which is now dirty, torn in some parts, and a bit stained with blood. "I actually like fancy things too; although I'd rather make them for other people than wear them myself," I continue, a bit surprised at myself for having this kind of superfluous chat with this woman right now.

"Oh. Then you're a bit like me, although better, I guess? I like fancy things just for me. Anyway… there's another, more compelling reason to meet with you than to discuss fashion, isn't there? You have to do something very, very important… and you're a bit lost. So, I want to offer some guidance. Fate is such a tricky thing… it's so easy to get lost in it. I can help you find your way… and understand."

"Please do. I think I could use some help. There are many things I still don't understand... But, first of all… where are we? Is this some kind of alternate reality, or...?"

"No, this is the past. Well, for you it's the past. For me, it's still the present… kind of. It's complicated when you can see all the timelines, all the possibilities… all the consequences."

"And you manipulated things so I came here?"

"That's about half right. You got here through a long chain of events and coincidences that were very difficult to arrange, it's true. However, the last of them was the most difficult one: it was you making the decision to come here, and finding the way to do it. That was entirely up to you; I couldn't force it. But I hoped you would come eventually. I hoped you would realize you needed to hear what I have to tell you."

"And... before? Where was I? What was that maze of corridors where I was running, until I found the door that led me to you?"

"That was… chaos itself. Each and every one of those doors you've seen led to possibilities… to other worlds or realities that could have taken place… if only you had chosen them."

"I seem to recall, vaguely… being in one of them, for a short while. But then, I left. I decided against it."

"Well, actually… you've been to more than one. Each portrait you touched, each door you unlocked, led you to a different world... a different reality."

"What...? What do you mean? I don't remember going anywhere other than here... and that other place I can't recall. I've been in that corridor for maybe a few hours."

"Well... no. Actually, you've been there much, much longer than that. Time works differently in that corridor than in the real world, so you won't feel its flow; and your memory resets every time you turn one of those realities down. Your mortal brain... can't keep memories of many different realities all at once. But you've been to hundreds of them."

"What? Hundreds? Are you serious?" I say, suddenly feeling a dreadful feeling in my chest. "But then… how long was I there?"

"Well, in human time… it could have been years."

"Years!"

"It doesn't matter. I told you, time doesn't flow in that corridor, it exists outside of time... and you only stayed for a short while in each one of the rooms you found… in each of those realities. None of them had what you were looking for; but you needed to go through them, make some difficult choices, and get past them... to get to me."

"But, why?"

"Well... I'm a very powerful person, Daidouji-san. I'm the Dimensional Witch after all, I shouldn't be easy to find... should I? The few people who ever get to see me are the ones who are most certain of the will in their hearts. So in a way, it was a test of your will and determination. But you made it, and you're here, so now you can ask me anything you want, and I'll do my best to answer you. Although, of course... I can't promise to answer everything."

"But, if I was lost in that corridor for such a long time... is he still alive?"

"Well... yes... if you call that living."

"But how can that be? Mizuki-san said he would die in a matter of hours."

"Mizuki-san doesn't know everything there is to know here. You see... when his ritual was interrupted, his time was somewhat... stopped, so... he can't really die. But he can't live either. He got trapped in between."

"You mean... he's going to stay like that forever?"

She nods.

"Yes... unless you do something."

"But, what do I have to do?"

"I think you already know the answer to that question, Tomoyo-san."

I can only stare at her, horrified.

"You mean… kill him?"

She nods again.

"But, why? Because you two planned it many centuries ago? Because it's hitzusen?"

"No. Because that's the only way he will be free. And also, because for time to start moving again, for the kekkai to go down and for you and your friends to be able to go back to the world, he needs to die. And you're the only one who can make it happen."

"But, why? And why must it be me? Why am I the only one?"

"Because it can be no one else. Don't you remember what happened when he tried to attack you? Haven't you realized already what is the link between you and his magic… why his magic fails in front of you, or behaves in strange and unpredictable ways?"

"I'm... not sure. I thought his attack failed because deep down, he didn't want to hurt me. Because he is a good person. And I know he is, so, why does he have to die? It's so unfair! And, even if I wanted to kill him, which I don't… how could I possibly kill the most powerful mage who ever existed? I'm just a normal human! I don't even have any powers!"

"That doesn't matter... because you would do it with his. Don't you see? The only person who will ever be powerful enough to kill Clow Reed… is Clow Reed himself. But that is the one thing he could never do. He can't kill himself; he can't even stay dead for too long, because deep, deep down… so deep he might not even realize it… there's a secret, unrelenting wish in him to live. Because there's something that attaches him to life; even if it's just to suffer. It's like his soul can't let go. And because his powers are so monstrous, it doesn't even matter if he acknowledges this wish. Even if it's hidden deep down in his subconscious… it's there, and it won't let him die. That's why he keeps coming back. His whole, endless circle of death and reincarnation… he's been doing it to himself. And he can't stop doing it. Not without help."

"I see... what you said… actually makes sense. But, I still don't understand what do I…"

"You're right, you have no powers of your own, but you have a quality… let's say, an unusual level of receptiveness… that makes you like a conducting material. Like metal is to heat. You've seen it already; his powers passed through you. Which means other people's powers can be channeled through you, if they wish so. And he, for the first time ever… has wished so. That golden key hanging from your neck… you know what it is, right?"

"It's... a symbol."

"Yes… it is a symbol of his heart, of his will. All his powers are imbued in it. When it changes forms, it takes the shape of his deepest desire. Before, it was staff; a means to keep his raw power under control. But lately, it has changed into something different… hasn't it?"

I merely nod.

"A… dagger."

"Don't you understand what that means? He's ready to die now, to leave this world behind... that dagger's existence is proof of that, and is also the only thing that can kill him. And you're the only one who can wield it, because… it exists because of you. It was made for you. You're the only one who ever meant enough to him to be willing to sacrifice himself like that… who made him ready to sever his ties to this world. It is the first and only selfless act he's ever done... and it makes you the only one who can grant his wish. Because you'll do it with his own powers… and with his full willingness."

For a moment I just stare at her, speechless, as I unthinkingly reach for the key hanging from my neck. I feel a tear running down my cheek and a huge lump forming in my throat.

"Do you realize just how much power you're holding in your hands... even if it isn't yours?"

I just nod.

"Yuuko-san… I still don't understand something," I mutter. "Why me? He has lived for many centuries… I'm sure he has loved many… including you. Why am I the first one he's been willing to sacrifice himself for?"

"You're right, he has loved before… but this kind of sacrifice he could never do, until now."

"Why not?"

"Because he wasn't who he is now. He wasn't Eriol Hiiragizawa."

"Yuuko-san… who is Eriol Hiiragizawa? How did he come to exist?"

"My dear… Eriol Hiiragizawa exists, so that the world will have a chance of not being destroyed."

"I see," I say, a sad little smile appearing on my face. "That's what I thought."

"You thought about this?"

"Yes. I had plenty of time to think, in the last hours... days... years... well, however long I'd been trapped with the others inside the kekkai. I've come to realize, after all I've learned about Clow Reed, and especially, after my last confrontation with him… that anyone who had that monstrous, surreal, impossible amount of power would eventually come to a point where their mere existence and the existence of the world would conflict, to the point of becoming incompatible. Someone who could merely think of something, or not even think it; merely wish it subconsciously and see it happen… that person would be like a god. However, they would also have a human heart, and no human heart can control such power. A person like that would undoubtedly cause the world to end."

"For a simple human without powers… you really are quite remarkable," she says, a bit surprised. "But yes… you're right. Clow Reed foresaw that too, and therefore, and for the world's sake… he forged a plan to end his own existence. Which he did, with my help. Unfortunately… it was too late."

"What? What… do you mean?"

"I mean, the world… no, the universe… has already been destroyed by him. Well… not yet. But soon, this world we're in right now… will cease to exist."

"Wait… what?"

"What I mean is, the world you were born into… is a second-chance world. It's the result of a choice he made after ripping apart the entire fabric of the universe and causing an infinity of chaos. It's the result of a choice he made, or will make, partially out of guilt and regret… and partially due to his wish. That is why as long as he's alive, your world is very unstable, and its fate is yet to be decided."

"Wait… are you trying to tell me… that my world isn't real?"

"Oh no, it's real. It's as real as it gets. It's the world he chose, after all, out of many possibilities. He just doesn't remember having made that choice. You see, in his life as Clow Reed, he committed a sin… one of the most atrocious, unforgivable sins there are. One even worse than taking life. He… wouldn't allow me to die."

I stare at her, speechless.

"I mean… he hasn't done it yet. But he will... I've seen it happen. My time has come to an end; I'm supposed to die soon. But I won't… not entirely. He won't let me. The moment I die… he will unconsciously wish I don't. And since his powers are so strong… it will make my time stop. Chaos will occur then. You must understand… there is no graver sin than that. That wish is a crime against nature, against life, against the universe's very consistency. The universe can only exist if there's change, if things… flow. This is a rule that can't be broken, not even by Clow Reed. For life to exist, there must also be death. It's a circle that can never be stopped. Nothing can happen, nothing can be created in stillness. People's lives are precious because they end. Dying is not just every living being's fate; it's also their right. No one should ever be allowed to take that away from another person."

"But then, does this mean that… you're not really dead?"

"Not entirely... no. When the world collapses... my body will remain frozen in time, not dead but not alive either; kept waiting in an undisclosed location, which he will forget… and my soul will be shattered to pieces, much like his is now in your reality. What happened to him in your world mirrors what happened to me in mine. A part of it however, sustained only by my own determination, will remain attached to this house… which is my house in this world, and his house in yours. It's the only place that will survive the destruction, protected by his kekkai; and it's my connection to your world. That's how I can watch over you, guide you... and help you do the right thing. That's why I asked him not to touch anything, to leave everything as it is... especially the mirrors."

"I'm sorry... Yuuko-san. It's terrible, what happened to you... or what will happen. Is there anything I can do... to help you?"

She stares at me, surprised, and then smiles fondly.

"You really are a kind person, Daidouji-san. But don't worry about me. There's nothing you can do for me now. Maybe, when this is all over, my wish will be a bit closer to being granted too. I too, like him, will have to wait for someone who has the power to deliver me from my curse... and make my time move again. But the one I'm waiting for doesn't even exist yet in this world... in any world. It's possible that I'll still have to wait for many, many years... until that possibility becomes a reality."

"I'm… really sorry to hear that. But, what happened to you... he didn't know it would happen... did he? He didn't do it on purpose. He did it out of love, unconsciously... because he didn't want to lose you."

"He knew it would happen; we both have known for some time... but we also knew we couldn't stop it. I'm going to die, and he won't be able to not feel what he will feel. So in a way, yes... he will do it out of love; but it's a selfish kind of love, one that won't let go. That selfishness will doom me, and the repercussions of his sin… will shatter the entire universe, and bring pain to billions of people across all dimensions. That's why we're now trying to minimize the damage as much as we can, and why he will end up paying with his life to make amends... to make your world exist. A world where the people he cared about would have another chance. And also… a world where he could finally meet his long, awaited wish… and put the universe at risk no more."

"So... he knows about all this? He knows he will destroy the world and doom the person he loves?"

She nods.

"That's when Eriol comes along. Eriol, his very existence, is our plan to give the world a second chance. He is what Clow deep down wanted to be, but couldn't achieve in this life, nor in any other life before: someone who is kinder, more innocent, more… capable of love. Someone who can be able to sacrifice himself unselfishly. But, in order to become that, he had to give up a big part of his powers and memories; because they were too dark, too terrible to not taint his heart with hatred and resentment. You have to understand, through his many lives, he went through many, many things… most of them terrible and awful. He needed to purify himself of that to be able to truly die. And he did that by the act of creating the Clow Cards and sealing that part of his powers and memories in them… and also by giving up his life in this world, so those two people you care about so much could live again."

"What do you mean… what people?"

"The ones you know as Sakura and Syaoran. When reality collapses, they're the ones who will suffer the most. But they will come to exist again, in your world, because of Clow's sacrifice. Everything that happened in your reality… was meant to happen so that Clow could purge this sin, give them another chance… and also so that Eriol Hiiragizawa would come to exist. And he exists only to meet you; the only person whom he would come to love unselfishly, and therefore… the only person in the world who can make his wish come true."

"So… he really is a construct after all... he's not just Clow's reincarnation, he's actually... Clow's creation," I say, feeling a few tears escape my eyes, and run through my face. "And yet... he's real."

"He's everything Clow ever wanted to be. He's Clow's last attempt at redemption. Daidouji-san, don't you see? We're all constructs, creations of our past. The people we are now are the result of our past choices, our past actions... of everything we chose to keep, and everything we chose to let go of. Maybe some of those choices weren't conscious, like his were, but... does that make us less real? Clow gave up quite a lot to become Eriol, and meet you. It was an honest wish that made him do that… a wish to become a better person. Why would you think he wasn't real?"

"You're right," I say, wiping tears from my face, and feeling a faint smile form on my lips. "I knew it all along. But, what I still don't understand is… why me? Why did he have to meet me? What do I have that makes me so special?"

"Well, you're the goddess... aren't you?"

"No! That's the whole point, I'm not! I'm just…!"

"Daidouji-san… you don't need to understand everything now. But believe me, things will make sense… soon enough. But for now… do you at least understand why you're so important? And also… why you have to kill him?"

"But, if he dies... the ritual he started... won't it be completed? Won't humanity just... disappear?"

"Well... that's a possibility too. I'm sorry... our plan was a bit desperate and had a few weak links, and the weakest, and yet the most unavoidable one, was Eriol himself. We needed him to exist, but by extracting some of his memories, Clow allowed some unpredictability, some... randomness to happen. We couldn't be certain how he would feel, or how he would behave. Some of his recent actions have made this development quite... chaotic and unexpected. His wish has become twisted, and the ritual's results depend on his wish. So now, if you want to make sure your world doesn't end... you'll have to fix things. You'll have to make sure his heart is in the right place and his wish is the right one. And for that, you'll have to restore him what he's missing... before you do what you're meant to do."

I just stare at her, the lump in my throat growing even bigger.

"You're telling me I have to restore his soul back to him, make him be himself again... and then kill him? Do you actually realize the horrible, cruel thing you're asking of me? No... I can't do it. I don't want to. I refuse!"

"My dear... I know you don't want to. But your love isn't selfish, like Clow's love for me was… is it?"

"But... there has to be some other way!" I say, desperately. "There has to be! If I can restore his soul to him, and convince him to take back what he did with the ritual, maybe then..."

She just shakes her head no.

"I'm sorry, dear... but it's not that simple. We've examined every possible scenario, Clow and I… and there is no viable world in which someone like him could be allowed to exist. I'm really sorry… I know this is a great weight on your shoulders... but you need to understand that he's doomed. I would gladly take this burden from you… but I can't. I can't be the goddess he needs. I am powerful, very powerful… but still not enough to remove him from this world. No one will ever be that powerful. Also, even if I theoretically could... I don't think I could get myself to do it, either. My love for him... is a selfish love too. Also, he's not ready for it yet. In order for his death to be final, he has to truly want it. He has to be fully willing to leave this world for good. He needs to be able to put another person's life and happiness before his own… And for that, he needs to become Eriol, and meet you. So, I'm sorry, but it's all up to you now. The fate of your world, of your… reality… depends on your choice."

"The way you're making it sound… it doesn't really look like I have a choice."

"But you do. There's always a choice, Daidouji-san. Even if it's just one… and then the rest is just hitzusen."

"Then… when will I make this choice?"

"Soon… really soon. Now we need to end this conversation, Daidouji-san… our time is running out. He'll be back soon, and he can't know you were here. He's not ready to meet you… yet."

"Where… is he?"

"Outside… talking to his heir. The Sakura from your reality."

"What? Sakura-chan is here too?"

"Yes, but it's a different Sakura… from a different point in time. This Sakura is still learning to use his cards."

"Wait… you mean… is this when she traveled back in time, to meet Clow and ask him questions?"

"Yes. Exactly."

"But… that was years ago! You mean, the Sakura outside… is still a child? God… this is so bizarre! She doesn't even know I'm here too… nor everything that is going to happen in the next years."

"Yes… life can be weird like that. And I believe that thing in your hands is hers... isn't it?" she says, pointing at the book I'm holding. "It contains the cards."

"Yes. But these aren't Clow Cards anymore. They're Sakura Cards. She changed them… with her own power."

"So... right now, you're holding the powers of two of the most powerful beings in the world. What are you going to do with them?"

"I don't really think I could do anyth…"

Suddenly, a noise comes from outside the living room.

"Go now," she says. "Don't worry, you'll figure it out. Just... remember what I told you. If you want to save your world and release him from his curse... he has to die. We're counting on you. He and I, both went through terrible sufferings to get you to this point... but we can't make the final choice for you. Please... don't let us down. I'll watch over you. If you ever get lost again, look for me. You'll find me… in the mirrors."

"Wait, Yuuko-san... one last question. Where is the door I need to find? I mean... the important one."

"The answer to that is already with you. Look deep, beneath the surface… and you'll find it. Leave, now. And remember what I said."

She claps her hands twice, and a door appears on the wall in front of me. I open it, go through it, and suddenly everything turns dark, and I'm in the corridor again.

…

I don't know for how long I just stand there, motionless, in the middle of that dark, dusty corridor, holding the book of cards against my chest; tears welling up in my eyes as I try to weigh everything I've just heard in my heart. It doesn't matter how long I stand there, anyway. Time doesn't flow in this place, so it can be a few minutes, maybe hours… or maybe even days. It doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is that, according to everything I just learned… I will have to kill him.

I still can't believe it. I was hoping there would be some other way to save him, some unexpected loophole; but my recent meeting with the Dimensional Witch just shattered that small, flickering hope.

And now… what?

I'm still lost in this unending maze of doors and corridors, not even an inch closer to anything that would give me a chance to save him.

The answer to that is already with you. Look deep, beneath the surface… and you'll find it.

What did she mean by that? Where is my answer? What is that surface I need to scratch to find out what's underneath?

Suddenly, I realize I'm tired... so very tired. The overwhelming weight of this night, which seems to have started a century ago and feels like it's never going to end has started to push really hard on my soul. Suddenly, all I want is to find a place to lay down, to rest my head, my weary bones, my aching heart… at least for a moment. If only I could sleep for a few hours, clear my mind a bit… maybe I will be able to find the answer that's been eluding me.

And as I wish for this, I realize there's only one place I can think of, one place I want to reach; a place of quietness and peace where once, a long time ago in another long, restless night, I found relief; where I was able to find the soothing and rest I so needed. If only I could find it again, if only I could stay there for a while...

But, where could it be?

Trying not to sink into despair, I breathe deeply, trying to find that place of quietness inside me. Then, again, I whisper to the cards pleading them to guide me, and I prepare myself to listen.

And for a lapse of time that I can't really define - it could have been minutes, hours or even years, for all I know - my heavy, exhausted footsteps and the eventual cracking sound of a door opening are the only sounds that can be heard in that thick and suffocating silence. As I move forward, I realize I'm getting closer to the place I want to go, because the lights in the corridors start to get dimmer, farther away from each other, more intermittent, until I'm almost walking in complete darkness. But it doesn't matter. I have all the light I need with me. I have the cards; I'm not alone, and I listen to them, not with my ears nor my eyes but with my hands and my heart; I hear what they whisper to me, and I know they're taking me in the right direction. In a way, it almost feels as if Sakura and Eriol were here with me, walking next to me, guiding me and giving me words of encouragement. I cannot imagine how lost I would be in this darkness if I didn't have them with me.

That's one more thing I have to thank Mizuki-san for.

I don't know how long I walked, but eventually, I find it. I stand before the picture that I know will lead me to the place I've been searching for; because it's one I've already seen, for real, with my eyes, and tried to imprint in my memory, tried to turn into a picture I could save and look at later, whenever I felt scared or cold again. And it's here now, and although I can barely see it in the almost complete darkness, I can't help but shed a few tears of relief, of gratefulness, before I even dare touch it.

I've made it. I've found him. I don't know what's going to happen next, or how I'm going to continue this journey, but for now, I will just...

The picture shines dimly, almost unnoticeably when I touch it, but I feel the click in the door next to it. Finally... I'm allowed some rest.

I peek inside before entering the room, and the image I see is not too different from the one I saw that other night that seemed to have happened a hundred years ago, when I was looking for shelter and there was a raging storm outside. A room in shadows but with comfortable warmth; a fireplace barely lit, barely lighting anything; the shape of a bed, and a sleeping figure, unmoving, on it. Only when I close the door behind my back and slowly approach it do I notice that the picture isn't the same, and the figure isn't really sleeping. Holding back tears, I turn the bedside lamp on, lay the book of cards on the side table, take off the chain with the small golden key hanging from my neck and place it there too, carefully take off my very worn sneakers from my aching feet, sit on the bed, and finally, lay down next to him.

And in a strange way, I find it comforting. It's not the same as that other time; I know he's technically not even there, and I won't wake up in the middle of the night to find him awake and staring at me, but still... it's better than nothing. It's probably the last chance I will ever have to lay next to him, to look at him. So, I look at him. Even though he looks haggard and way paler than he ever was, as if he has been to hell and back, he's still so beautiful to me. And I look at him and I try to remember how he looks, I try to imprint every little detail in my mind, because, no matter what happens after this night... I never want to forget his face again.

…

After what seems an incredibly long, long time, I open my eyes, slowly, and for a few moments, I don't even know who or where I am. All I can feel is the lingering warmth of a presence close to me, and for a moment, nothing else matters. I just remain there, feeling utterly peaceful and content just to be here, just to be able to feel it.

As my heavy lids open a bit more, and my very sore eyes adjust to the dim light surrounding me, I start remembering who I am, and that that ceiling I'm staring at is my room's ceiling, and I realize I'm in my bed. The lamp on my nightstand is on, and it emits a soft light that spreads all over the room and bathes it in a yellowish tint. Then, I look at my side, and… I see her.

Asleep on my bed, right next to me, just like that night of the storm when I woke up in the middle of the night and found her… and just as beautiful.

What's this? Is this true?

Am I alive?

Do I really get to see her again?

I'm in shock; I can't understand what's happening… but I don't even try to. I just feel so… incredibly grateful.

For a moment, I can only stare at her in amazement. She's here, wearing that white dress, the same dress she wore that night when she sang for me, only now it's all dirty and ruined and stained with blood… but nonetheless, it still looks so beautiful on her.

Slowly, I reach out, and I notice my hand is bandaged and hurts like a bitch. I softly touch the side of her face, brushing some hair locks away, and caressing her smooth cheek.

Her eyes open. Deep violet eyes, which stare at me in shock for a few seconds, and then immediately well up with tears.

"E-eriol…?" she says, her voice choked as tears escape and fall down her cheeks. "You're… awake? But… how? How is this...?"

"Shhh," I say, smiling faintly and putting a finger to her mouth. "Don't cry. I'm okay… see?"

With her eyes filling up even more, she suddenly, impulsively throws herself into my arms and hugs me, and despite my surprise, for a heavenly moment I just hold her close.

"I'm still dreaming… am I not?" she says, sobbing a little against my shoulder. "Because this... can't be real. You can't be awake. We couldn't find a way to bring you back. I didn't…"

"You... were trying to bring me back?" I say, suddenly moved.

"Well, we couldn't just let you die... could we?" she says, moving away as a few tears slide down her cheeks. "Everyone is here... even Sakura-chan and Li-kun... We were all trying to save you."

"But... why?" I say, staring at her in shock. "Didn't you know what I was trying to do?"

She barely nods.

"If you had just let me do it... your mum would have been saved. But, this... this is senseless. And the others...?"

"I... don't know. The last time I saw them they were in your study, and they had all passed out of sheer exhaustion. We've been researching for hours, trying to find a way to bring you back… but, Eriol... we didn't save you. We couldn't find anything. If... if this is real, then something really strange is going on. You were on the verge of death. You'd lost your soul, and… Mizuki-san said you would never regain consciousness again."

"Leave it to Kaho to always be the fatalistic one," I say, a faint smile forming on my lips as I try to reassure her; but in truth, I'm asking myself that very same question. Is this real? Am I dreaming? But this… doesn't feel like a dream. My whole body feels heavy, and sore, and numbed as if I haven't moved it in a very, very long time; my mind is fogged, and I cannot find the sharp clarity I always find in my dreams. No, this definitely feels like waking life, which is way too strange... even scary. "Look… I don't know how this happened. Maybe there's a reason for this, but… I'm not going to try to understand it right now. If this is a gift, I'll just take it for now. I'm just… so happy to see you again."

"But..." she says, fighting back more tears. "Is it... really you? I mean... you look like yourself, but… do you feel like...?"

Then, I realize what she means.

"Oh. Yes… I guess. I mean... I feel like I've been run over by a train, but I no longer want to wipe out humankind… if that's what you're asking."

Only then does she allow herself a small sigh of relief.

"That's... good."

But I don't feel relieved at all. On the contrary… I feel terribly guilty.

"Please, forgive me…" I say, in a somber tone, "for treating you so badly back then."

"Do you remember... what you did? What you said to me?"

"Sadly, yes. I wish I didn't. I'm so sorry, Tomoyo... that part of me is something I never wanted you to see. I did all I could… so you would never see it. Please... forgive me."

"It's okay," she says, her voice somber as well, but at the same time, gentle and comforting. "I know it wasn't you."

"No… that's what I'm trying to tell you. It was me. That… is a part of me too. I'm responsible for it. That part of me could have killed you. Even if you forgive me... I'll never forgive myself for putting you at such a risk."

"Stop it. It was my choice to go there, and I knew what I would find. And, even if it's a part of you… it's not who you are. Not anymore. You're so much more than that, that in order to become that again, you had to remove another part of your soul and seal it away. Although, I still don't understand how you recovered it. I never found that damn door."

"Didn't you?"

"No… I didn't."

"How can you be sure?"

"Huh...? What do you mean?"

"I mean... how can you be sure? Even if I was unconscious this whole time, I somehow felt your presence... and even if I didn't know who it was, or who I was... I think it was the one thing that kept me alive. You were so lost... but you never stopped trying. You disappeared behind countless doors, but you always came back. How many did you open? How many places have you been?"

"I... really don't know. Hundreds, maybe. It felt like it would never end. There were moments when I thought I would never find you again. But still… I don't remember finding that door. Although… I don't remember most of what happened when I was lost in those corridors. It all seems like a blur to me now."

"Then, how can you be so sure you didn't find it? If I'm back here, awake… it means you must have done something. You must have brought me back… even if you can't remember now. And I'm sure you did, because you're something… out of this world, Tomoyo. Even as darkness was taking me away, you grabbed my hand and pulled me down. You wouldn't let it take me. I knew. I felt it. I'm sure it was you who saved me… even if it's only for now."

"For… now?" she says. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"What? No, don't even… I don't want to hear it."

"But you have to. Tomoyo… things haven't changed. You might have pushed things off a little... but our destiny still exists. If I didn't die today… that means it's still…"

"No. Stop it!" she snaps, staring at me with burning eyes.

"I know you don't want to hear it, but my wish is still..."

"Eriol… enough about your wish! I know what your wish is! Your real wish, I mean. You wrote it down here," she says, and then pulls a tiny piece of paper out of her bra and hands it to me. It's a wrinkled, folded napkin on which I wrote a few words only -hours?- ago. "If you even think about pushing me away again… it's never going to come true."

I stare at the piece of paper, and then back at her defying, pained eyes, and I feel my willpower quickly slipping away. My lips are trembling.

"God… you think I want to push you away? Do you have any idea of how much I've missed you? How much have I suffered, being unable to see you… talk to you… touch you… all this time? It was torture."

"It wasn't a good time for me either," she says. "The loneliness… that feeling of… void in my chest… knowing that something was missing, something important, and not being able to put my finger on what it was… all the while, walking through my life as if I was blind and deaf, like a zombie... like being half-dead. You think that was a picnic?"

"No. I know you suffered. But… if I don't push you away now... then all would have been for nothing."

"But it was for nothing!" she says, angry like I've never heard or seen her before. "Don't you see? You did a very, very stupid thing, and now we're back to square one, only now I'm pissed at you for the whole memory-wiping thing, and you turned dark and almost killed me, and we've lost a lot of time, time we could have spent together trying to figure this out!"

"Tomoyo, you… don't understand. You don't figure out deadly prophecies. You don't look for loopholes. You accept them, and wait for them to come true. Because they always do, no matter what you think or try, no matter if you like it or not."

"But, if that's true… then what was the point of us being apart all this time? What was the point of wiping my memory? If the end is going to be the same no matter what we do… why not just enjoy ourselves while we still can?"

"Because… I had to try. Even if I didn't have much hope for success... still, I had to try. I just couldn't live with the thought of putting you in dan-"

"Well, live with it, damn it!" she exclaims, her eyes showing a fierce spark in them. "It's not your choice to make. Stop patronizing me, Eriol. I don't need protection. I didn't ask for it, and I don't want it. Whatever this prophecy is, it's not just yours. It's mine too. I'm part of it, whether you like it or not. Tonight I could have killed you, you know? If only I'd reached out and grabbed the key when you were holding me by the neck… but I didn't. I chose to do things differently, because I'm not a pawn, Eriol… and neither are you. So… what if this isn't over? What if there's still some terrible fate to fulfill? Whatever it is, we'll deal with it. I can deal."

"I know you can deal... I'm not so sure about myself."

"You can deal, too. And you will, if you have to. But not like this. Not lying to me, wiping my memory, and denying me the right to choose. That's not you. That's something Clow Reed would do, but you're better than that. I know you are."

"You say that… and yet, my actions say otherwise," I say, bitterly. "I did all those things. Not that I'm proud of it… but I did them."

"Okay, so, you're human. You screwed up. You only have one chance to screw up that badly. Now, if you so much think about doing something like that ever again, mind my words: I will kill you, hitsuzen or not. That should make things a lot simpler for you," she says, in a wry, yet somewhat creepy tone.

I can't help but smile a little.

"You're so strange. Aren't you scared of this… at all?"

She stares at me, her eyes becoming more serious.

"What do you mean? Of course I'm scared. From the second I regained my memories I've been nothing but terrified. Even now... not knowing what happened to you, not having an explanation for how you actually regained consciousness... it creeps me out. A lot. But, I don't regret being here now. I want to be here... and find the answers with you."

I look at her, confused.

"Why?"

"Because... it's worth it. You're worth it... Eriol."

I just stare at her, speechless. Suddenly, unexpectedly, I feel a lone tear sliding down my cheek. In all of my lives, in the hundreds – no, thousands - years I've lived, no one has ever said something like this to me. Ever.

"Really?" I whisper, a bit shaken. "Am I?"

"Yes," she says, a bittersweet grin appearing on her face. "Look… I'm just as scared as you are, but I know what it's like to let your life be driven by fear. I did it for a long time… and I never want to do it again. So, I've made my choice. I know what I'm risking. I'm okay with it. But, I can't choose for you. So, if this is something you can't deal with, and you want me out of your life… just say the word, and I'll be gone. But I want you to make your choice out of your heart… like I did mine," she says, coming closer. "So… what will it be? Do you want me to leave? Or do you want me to stay? Am I worth it to you?"

I look at her, taken aback as a voice in the back of my head tells me that this is not the moment to doubt. It's clear what I have to do. Even if I don't want to, even if my heart breaks, I have to think about her; I can't afford to be selfish like that. Even if we manage to push back our fate for some time, I know this isn't a long-term thing. I know I can't offer her a normal life, and being with me will bring her nothing more than pain in the end.

And yet...

Something she said has just poked deep inside of me, and I can't let go of it.

I can't choose for you.

What makes me think I can choose for her?

Have I really been patronizing her, and everyone I've ever known, with my "being the most powerful mage in the world" crap? What makes me think my choices are better than other people's? What makes me think I can choose for them?

This woman who's looking at me, waiting for my answer… has made her choice. I see it in her eyes; and they are honest, determined, brave eyes. And the amazing person behind them thinks I'm worth all the trouble, and I… I'm beyond awe. I'm beyond words. What made me think I knew better? The only thing I know for sure is that she's one of a kind; I'll never find one like her again, ever, no matter how long I live or how hard I search. If there was ever something worth doubting myself, my prophecies and my whole lifetime beliefs; if there's something worth clinging to, something worth fighting for, is this. That's the only thing I know for sure.

"Yes," I whisper, my voice coming out a bit choked. "God, nothing was ever more worth it than you. Than this."

She smiles then, and what a sweet, lovely smile it is. Just seeing it makes everything bearable, everything… faceable.

"Then, we'll deal," she says, moving a little closer, although somewhat hesitantly, until I can feel the scent of her hair, and the warmth of her hand carefully laid over my bandaged one. "With our fears… with this prophecy… with anything we have to deal. But, not now. Tomorrow," she whispers, her face less than an inch away. "Now, I just want to… remember."

And realize that I… want that too. So, so badly…

Hesitantly, I reach up to cup the side of her face, which is wet; and little by little shorten the distance until our lips touch. It's barely even a kiss; but it feels like an explosion inside me, it makes me all tingly and I just stay still for a second, eyes closed, breathing in, just letting all the feelings bash over me. To savor this again, her touch, her taste, her aroma, after such a long time… it's more than I ever hoped for, more than I thought I deserved, and it's just… so overwhelming. She seems static for a moment too, but only for a moment, before she kisses me for real; soft, shy kisses, and I respond in the same way. It's as if we were just discovering again what it was like to kiss, how it tastes, how it feels; and couldn't quite believe how amazing it was this thing we've been missing.

Then, I remember the last time I kissed her. Her face was wet too, but that time they were sad tears, goodbye tears; and my eyes were clouded too. I remember the words I wanted to say to her, and how she shushed me because she wasn't going to remember them later. I remember how they burned on my lips and my tongue, and how I had to swallow them down. But not anymore.

"I love you," I say to her, and it's so incredibly relieving to finally say it out loud, as if I have suddenly removed a terrible weight from my chest. It feels... right, to hear those words on my lips, the effortless way they just came out, as if I couldn't hold them in anymore. She pulls back a bit and stares at me for a second, startled; but I can see it's not a surprise for her. She already knows, and of course she knows, how could she not know? It was impossible for me to hide it, it has been almost from the very beginning, since that stormy night when she crawled into my bed and cried in my arms. That night she crawled into my heart too, the sneaky bitch. And how could I not love her? She brought the light back into my life, and the color, and the hope; she has slowly become both life and death to me, and the one thing that gave me a reason to pursue any of them. And she's the only one I've known who has inspired me to be a better person, a less selfish person.

So no, it's no surprise for her to hear me say it. But it's actually a shock for me when I see the smile that forms on her face and her cheeks becoming flushed, and I hear the faint whisper coming out of her lips.

"I know. I love you... too."

It's a shock, so much that tears threaten to cloud my eyes for a second. I mean, I knew she had feelings for me, I knew she cared about me; she wouldn't be here if she didn't, but this... to hear her say it out loud, so candidly and openly and out there... I never hoped for that much. Even though it's not the first time someone has said this to me, it's the first time someone has said it after being confronted with all my flaws and the darkness that lingers within me; after witnessing the worst of me and having their entire life and even their world threatened by my mere existence... and yet she did, with words, and also with her eyes. As I hear her, I'm at a loss for words, a maelstrom of emotions colliding within my chest — shock, overwhelming joy, and a deep sense of fear — because, what do I do with this now? It's so scary and unfamiliar, yet so, so undeniably incredible...

"What?" She says, smiling, her eyes bright and her cheeks flushed. "Why are you staring at me like that?"

"It's… nothing," I manage to utter, my voice barely above a whisper. "It's just… I guess I still can't believe it."

"Why?" she asks.

"It seems… too good to be true. I honestly don't know what I did to deserve it."

Her smile becomes brighter, sweeter.

"You still don't see it, do you? What I see in you… what you mean to me," she whispers, her voice brimming with heartfelt sincerity. "You don't understand who I was before you found me that night in that bar… what my life was like. Eriol... I had lived my entire life in the shadows, watching other people walk in the sun and yearning to be there, paralyzed by the fear of what could happen if I dared... I was drowning, and no one knew. No one cared. But you saw me right away. You saw me, when no one else did, and you cared. You grabbed my hand just when I was sinking and you pulled me out; and then you pushed me into the light where others could see me... where I could see myself. It was the most amazing thing, what you did for me. You showed me a world where I could be me; where being me wasn't something to be feared, but a source of joy. A world where I didn't have to watch from a corner anymore; where I could step up and be a heroine, make magic happen too. You made me believe I could be all that. How could I not love you?"

I stare at her, speechless.

"And even if that wasn't enough," she continues, "then you went and did this unbelievably touching, brave and selfless thing, which only a big idiot with a hero complex would do, and almost died because of it… because of me. To save someone I love. Which was a very stupid, thoughtless thing to do and I never want you to do anything like that, ever again. But… you get my point, right?"

I can't help but smile, and nod.

"You love me because I'm cute."

"There," she says, chuckling. "I like that you get me so well."

I just smile and kiss her.

"Tomoyo… I'm sorry it was all so useless. I put you through all this… and I don't think I even managed to save her. If I'm here, breathing, that means she's still..."

"Hey," she says, a suddenly sad look on her face. "That's not your fault. Even if I hate what you did… it means the world to me that you tried. But, things were already fucked up… and not because of you. At least, now… I won't have to deal with them alone."

"No… never again. I promise," I say, and I kiss her again. Suddenly, it feels almost unbearable to not be kissing her after such a long time of missing it, of dreaming about it. But she kisses me back, and I feel her moaning softly between kisses, her eyes closed, her voice a wanton gust of air on my lips.

"This was... so nice. I remember now. Do you?"

"Hell, do I," I utter, unable to stop kissing her. "I never forgot… not for one day. I missed you. So much. God, you can't imagine."

I feel almost physically overcome by so many things that are coming back to me, from both my memory and my senses; and the mere thought that I actually have them back, right now… is unbelievable. I just want to take it all in, the feeling of her smooth skin on my fingers, the warmth of her chest against mine, how she rhythmically breathes and how warm her breath is, those sweet puffs of air blown against my face, against my ear… how her silky hair feels as it slides through my fingers… the shape of her shoulders, her arms, the curve of her back … just like I've done in the past, only now so much more aware of everything, so much more grateful…

"I missed you too," she says, her breath a bit gaspy as my hands move through her back, first down and then up again, touching her just barely, and I almost can't believe how nice it feels on my fingertips just to do that. But then, I'm reminded of something even better: the feeling of her touch on me, as I feel her lips playing on my ear and her fingers wandering inside my shirt, slowly, a bit shyly... as if this was the first time we ever did this. "I mean… I couldn't remember, but… I felt… I needed… God, how could you make me forget?"

"I'm sorry," I mutter, placing a kiss on her shoulder, and another one on the side of her neck, and feeling her gasp. "I really am. I promise, I'll make it up to you."

"You better," she whispers.

"I will," I say.

We fall down on the bed, and for a while we just dedicate ourselves to kissing and touching, long before we even think about getting our clothes out of the way. And when we finally do, there is no rush; it's like a ritual where every inch of skin exposed is something to be enjoyed and appreciated and kissed, and I take all the time I want to just touch her and relish the amazing feeling of her skin on mine, kissing her all over from head to toe, getting acquainted again with every detail of this marvelous thing that is her body. It's strange that after so much time and so much longing, I don't feel an overwhelming urge to ravish her, but it's just the opposite. I want her, maybe more than ever, but my desire is fueled by a different, deeper yearning —a wish to feel her, to remember her, to etch her into my memory and my senses completely; to rediscover what it feels like to have her in my arms, this amazing gift I thought I had forever lost. There's just so much I've missed that I want to take back, and I want to savor it all slowly and appreciatively, like you would taste a fine meal; every inch of her body and every tiny detail of her —every movement, every sigh, every tremor of her skin— is a marvel, and I need to experience it thoroughly and completely before moving on to the next.

And God, how could I ever be willing to forsake this? What kind of twisted, sick mind could ever believe there could be anything bad, wrong, or dangerous about this?

But gradually, our kisses and touches become more intense, and a fiery ache engulfs us as we slowly become more and more aware of the fleeting nature of our borrowed time. There's not a word spoken between us, but I feel it, and I see it in her eyes too. Suddenly, each caress and each kiss becomes more significant; each one feels like an act of rebellion against fate, an attempt to shed some light and push back —even if only a little— the darkness that's closing in around us. I kiss her feverishly, whispering sweet, senseless words of love and devotion, promises to seize and treasure every moment we might still have. The same emotion grips her too, and she urges me to surrender, her breathless voice sending shivers down my spine as she compels me to plunge deeper with her into the bottomless depths of bliss. I'm powerless to resist, and I yield to her, and it's everything I remember it was and more; as I get lost inside her I find a realm of unbridled pleasure where nothing else exists or matters anymore —no fears, no thoughts, no doomsday prophecies— just the amazing sounds that escape from her mouth, her body that grips me and envelops me and welcomes me as if I was part of it, and the million tiny sparks of light that ignite every fiber of mine.

Everything else fades; the room becomes our secret haven, and the space around us, our own personal kekkai that keeps the world outside. The air becomes warm with our mingling moans and gasps, creating a rhythmic symphony that builds and builds relentlessly until we find the brink of pleasure and we try to stay there for as long as we can; but we can't, and pleasure explodes in a spectacular crescendo, finally releasing all that yearning and pent-up desire of so many months.

A while later —when we're sweaty, tired, and content, and just resting in each other's arms, dozing against each other— I hear her voice against my neck, just as I'm about to drift into sleep.

"Eriol…"

"Mmm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I mutter.

"Do you... trust me?"

Startled by the unexpected question, I open my heavy eyes, and find her concerned ones staring at me.

"Huh?"

"I... asked you this question before, when you weren't yourself, and though you never really answered... your actions did. So, now that you're you again... I need to know. Do you?"

"Tomoyo... I trust you with my life."

"Can you promise me that you will continue to do so… even if we are in a life-or-death situation again? Even if I have to ask you for a leap of faith... like I did back then?"

I just stare at her, confused.

"You're acting weird. Why are you asking me this now?"

"It doesn't matter. Please... answer my question."

I look at her, and her eyes are serious and intense. I realize I just can't give her a half-assed answer.

"Tomoyo, I… I'd love nothing more than to promise you that. But, I don't really know what will happen, or how things are going to be played… What if I'm unable to… just like I was before?"

"Then... you will remember your promise," she replies, her voice sounding a bit anxious, a bit urgent. "Please say it. Just once. I want to hear it from you, and I want you to hear yourself saying it… just in case."

I look at her looking at me, and I notice the slight gleam of panic in her eyes… and I just can't. I can't not give her what she wants.

"I promise that no matter what happens or what you ask of me… I will trust you."

She smiles slightly and places a soft kiss on my lips. She settles back into my arms then, rests her head against my shoulder, and closes her eyes again.

"Thank you. Please… don't forget your promise," she mutters. As I tighten my arms around her and stroke her hair, she lets out a tired sigh, and slowly drifts into sleep.

"I won't," I mutter back to her.

For a little while, I just look at her, and I understand why she had to ask this, I understand what she's feeling. In truth, she's just like me, terrified —terrified of the tragedy that might come to us just for being together, terrified of losing each other again, of something horrible happening to her, to me, to both of us— but I understand now that it has to be like this. Hitzusen, this is; meant to be, and it will happen no matter what because our fates are entwined, she's part of my destiny and I'm part of hers, and I can't rip her from my life just as I couldn't rip myself from hers (I know, I've tried), and the most important of it all… I don't want to. Not anymore. I want to live with her or die in her arms, any of the two, but not alone, never alone again. No other life or death will ever be worth it.

And she feels the same way. For some strange, unfathomable reason, she wants to stay with me on this dangerous path till the very end, and she feels it's all worth it. She said it to me, but I think I knew even before she said the words. Her eyes told me.

And who am I to say no to those eyes?

They still have that weird quality that makes me feel at ease, even in the most difficult situations, as if, deep down, they truly believed, against all odds, that somehow things were going to be alright.

And for a while, as I am happily nestled in her arms, I let myself believe it too.

Just for a while.

…

But now… I'm not so sure anymore.

Because now I've woken up in the middle of the night, and everything feels so ominously still and quiet, as if life itself was on hold. There are no sounds coming from the house or from any other place; everything around me is so pitch black that even though my eyes are open, I can't see anything. I know I'm awake, though, because of the words that still reverberate in my head — those last words we exchanged just before falling asleep — and that familiar, unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach.

There are no coincidences in this world. The only thing is…

Waking up has always been somewhat weird for me, but now, unlike any other time I've woken up, the world around me doesn't feel random nor absurd anymore. I somehow retain the feeling that this name, this body, this world are the ones I was supposed to wake up to from the very beginning; that this is it, the moment I had been waiting for my entire life, all of my entire lives. That everything that happened before was just preparation for this.

Where are you?

In the dark, I reach towards the side of my bed, looking for you; but you're not there. I can feel some of your warmth, of your scent on the sheets; a subtle trace of your presence that lets me know that you were, indeed, here, besides me, just a moment ago. And then a very human, idiotic instinct makes me look towards the bathroom door; pointlessly searching for that line of light on the floor, that line that would tell me that everything is okay, that there's a logical reason for your absence, that the world is still rotating on its axis and in a few hours the sun will rise and there will be another day; the line that would give me the reassurance I need to stop thinking crazy and go back to sleep. But the room is immersed in pitch-black darkness, and there's no line of light on the floor, no line of light anywhere, and I start to feel a chill on my skin, on the pit of my stomach when I realize that the bathroom light isn't the only light I can't find. There is another luminous thread, a finer, more subtle one, that hides from me too.

Where are you?

I feel a gust of cold air against my cheek, and I notice that the bedroom door is open.

It would be impossible to explain to you the twinge of fear, of dread in the back of my stomach. As if something inside me knew what this means and what is about to happen but couldn't actually believe it; left with only the certainty that there's something foreboding in your strange, unjustified absence, in this bottomless silence I find when I reach for you and that I can't really understand. I need to know where you are. I need to get reassured that nothing weird, nothing outlandish is happening. But as I search for your presence in the house and don't find it, panic starts to overcome me... and it heightens even more when I realize I can't feel anyone, nor anything beyond the walls of the house, which means… the kekkai I raised is still there.

What does this mean?

Why can't I sense you?

Where are you?

I sit up, with the horrifying feeling in the back of my stomach that this is something I've already lived, many times; but all of those seem just like a rehearsal, a prelude. I get up from the bed and I shiver when I feel the cool air stroking my half-naked body. Not thinking too much about it, I slip into some robe and go out to the hallway. All I know is that you're not here and I need to find you; it's imperative that I find you, even if I have to do it the hard, crude way, with clumsy feet and eyes and hands, now that your radiance, your luminous presence is somehow hidden from me, faded or obfuscated by something, and all I can find is this disconcerting, unfathomable silence when I try to reach you.

The hallway is dark, so dark I almost can't see anything, but I have an intense feeling something is... wrong with it. I conjure up some lights, and what I see when my eyes get used to their dim luminosity is anything but soothing; and that dreadful word immediately comes to my mind.

Hitsuzen.

You're there, standing in the middle of the corridor, almost indistinguishable amidst such darkness. I barely catch a glimpse of you, of your white dress, of your bare feet touching the floor, walking away from me and the bedroom, and I have to conjure more lights so that the darkness doesn't swallow you. But it's only when I conjure them that I truly realize that something really outlandish, really bad is happening. This corridor we're in… doesn't look like any corridor I've ever seen in my house.

It's like the longest corridor ever, so long I can't even see where it begins nor ends; and it has many doors in it, and some of them are open and they lead into other, identical corridors, and it almost seems like it's… changing as you walk through it. It looks like a maze, one you can easily get lost in.

Also… it has pictures hanging from its walls.

I see you walking away, and I see your hand touching one of the pictures that hang from the wall, opening a door next to it, and stepping in, and I have to run towards you before I lose you. A distressing knot forms in my chest, because now I know what this is, where I've lived this before.

Please, no.

Not again.

Is it real this time? Is that really you in there?

For a moment, I doubt if I'm awake. This feels like some kind of dream inside a dream, like some kind of endless nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. But it only lasts for a moment, because deep down, I know I'm awake, fully awake, maybe for the first time ever. And I know I can't hide in my dreams anymore.

It's time.

…

"Tomoyo," I yell, as I follow you through some random door in that never-ending maze. "Wait! Please."

But you don't answer, don't even turn down to look at me; you just keep walking as if you hadn't heard me, as deaf and indifferent as a vision or statue could be. Not hesitating, as if you knew where you were going, you touch another portrait and open another door, and I lose sight of you again. So, I run towards you, trying to ease the raging anxiety in my stomach. I lay a hand on your arm, but you shake it off as if it was an annoying fly and keep walking. So, I stand in front of you, laying both hands firmly on your shoulders, trying to make you look at me.

"Tomoyo!" I say. "Look at me. What's wrong with you?"

But then I see your eyes, those eyes that look through me without really seeing me, like entranced; as if they were blind or perhaps staring at something far beyond me. And then you just keep walking, and I'm pushed aside, feeling like I don't have any strength left in my body to stop you.

"Tomoyo. What happened to you?" I mutter in horror. "Who did this?"

"You did," a voice behind me answers.

I turn around, and to my shock… I see her.

It's not a mirror reflection. It's really her, standing there next to me, in that bizarre, surreal hallway. The one who started everything.

"You!" I yell. "What have you done to her!?"

"I didn't do anything, Clow."

"You're lying! You did something! You've bewitched her! She's like… possessed. She doesn't see me, nor hear me!"

"She's not possessed, Clow. There's nothing wrong with her. It's… you."

"What?"

"Haven't you realized it yet? You're… not here. That's why she can't see or hear you."

"What…?"

I run to you again, and try to grab your arm, but this time, my hand goes right through it, and I can't touch you.

"What's… happening? Is this a dream?"

"It's not a dream. This is real, Clow. This... is your house now. This is your hallway, and that door, at the end of it… is your door." I look at where she's pointing, and suddenly I realize… it's there, at the end. Surrounded by darkness so thick that it almost looks like tiny hands are grabbing at its frame... barely visible by the flickering light above it... but I have no doubts it's the one. The door from my dreams, the one I never wanted you to see... and even less, open. And now you've seen it, and you're walking towards it, resolutely. "It's happening. She's going to open it. And you can't stop her, because you're not even here."

"You mean… I'm dead?"

"No. Not exactly. Not… yet. Your body is still alive… barely. But you're not there anymore."

"What...?"

I search for my bedroom with my mind's eye, and when I find it, when I enter it, I see my bed… and I see myself lying there with a bandaged hand, my face completely pale, my lips almost purple, and some freakishly weird black lines outlining my eyes.

"What… is this? What happened to me?" I yell, trying to make sense. I feel like I'm losing my mind. "Did you do this?"

"Clow… you did this to yourself. You knew there would be consequences for performing that ritual. Big consequences."

"But, I couldn't push it through the end! She interrupted me, and they stopped it!"

"Not soon enough. Your blood was spilled on the mahoujin… and your blood has too much power. You should already know that."

"But, I woke up! I was okay! We talked, and then… I don't understand. What's happening?"

"Oh, my dear boy… you really believe all that happened? Waking up and everything? I'm sorry to break the news, but… you've been like that ever since you cast the spell and passed out. You never regained consciousness. And you never will. You've abandoned this world for good... and willingly. This… is what you wanted."

I can't possibly explain to you, my dear, the horror that overwhelms me when I realize the truth of what she's saying, and the pain that engulfs me when I realize all the amazing things that happened between us after I woke up, didn't actually happen at all. That it was probably all in my mind; a beautiful dream where I could kiss you again, hold you again, in which you told me that you loved me and that I was worth it, and that we were going to be together till the very end. All of it… delusions and lies I told myself to not see the horrible truth.

I've abandoned the world for good. I will never talk to you again, touch you again. I'm not dead, but I'm not alive either.

I got exactly what I asked for.

I became a ghost.

"Yuuko... what's happening now? What happened... to my house?" I ask her.

"You mean… my house?" she says, wryly. "It's changing. Everything now is… changing. What will it turn into, we can't really know yet. But it's no longer up to us. It's up to her now."

"What do you mean?"

"It depends on what she does… after she opens that door."

"I don't understand. If I'm lying in my bedroom and won't wake up ever again… why is she doing this?"

"Isn't it obvious? To save you."

"But she can't save me! She'll just get lost in the darkness, go insane... or die! Please, for God's sake, Yuuko… if you ever cared about me at all… you have to stop her."

"I'm sorry, but… I can't. I'm just like you, Clow… I'm a ghost. I'm in this world just as much as you are. Besides, this is your wish. The one I promised to grant."

"It's not! How can you say that? I've never wanted to put her in danger!"

"Anyone who loves you enough to be willing to face what is behind that door would be in great danger. All the pain, the hatred in you… All the horrible things you've done… You can't keep all that stuff hidden forever... can you? And you don't want to, either. Clow, you wanted this as much as you dreaded it. You wanted her to see your darkness. The source of all your power. The worst of you. You want her to see it all, so that she can either forgive you and love you regardless, or be appalled by it and kill you for good reason. Either way, it will work for you. What won't work anymore, what you can't stand anymore, is living with that mask. That's why this has to happen. It is your wish."

"Did I really… cause all this?" I say, still unable to believe it.

"It's hitzusen, Clow."

"You mean... there isn't any way to stop her?"

"There is one. But you've already proven yourself to be terrible at making choices, Clow. Why don't you let her do it now, just for a change? She's your goddess after all… isn't she?"

I see you stop then, right in front of the door, and stand there, still, staring at it as if gathering courage. And then, you sigh, and raise your hand, and I notice something in it that I've missed before.

The key. You have the key!

You must have taken it from the hidden study, right after I dropped it. It has recovered its original form, but it's still stained with blood… just like your dress is.

My blood.

And then… you start speaking.

"Eriol…" you say. "I'm here. I don't know where you are, or if you can even hear me, but… I hope you do. I'm sorry I had to leave. I wanted to stay with you, in your room, in that beautiful, fake reality forever, but... I can't do it. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair, for anyone. So... I need to ask you for a leap of faith now. I've found the secret door you never wanted me to open... and I have your key. But it's not enough. I need you to do this with me. What is hidden beyond it is yours, so… I don't want to do it without your permission. So, please… will you trust me? I understand now what this key symbolizes. Why this is hitzusen… and why it has to happen. Why this is the only way it's going to end."

"No," I say, even knowing you can't hear me. "I can't…"

"Eriol-kun…" Yuuko says, and I realize it's the first time she has ever called me by my actual name. "You chose your own fate when you did that blood ritual. Now, it's time for her to choose her own path. Will you be stubborn again, like you were in your life as Clow Reed, and deny her the chance like you did with me? Or will you, for once, trust another person to decide their own destiny?"

And suddenly, I remember…

Voices.

The voices of beings who love me, and whom I love. I've heard them all around me as I was dying, and I've heard them before, all my life; calling me by my name, caring for me, making me feel that I was someone, my own person. And, among those voices, one, especially, stood out: the voice of someone who has been by my side ever since I was a sad, angry little child; someone who has wiped my tears once and made me laugh so many times and who has always been there for me. Someone who has taught me what it means to have a family.

.

"I want you to promise me that you'll try to get yourself back, and that if you're ever confused about who that is, you'll remember it's Eriol… not Clow. And if you're ever in doubt about what to do… you'll just do the opposite of whatever he would do. Promise me that… and then I'll calm down."

.

"Eriol… this is it," I hear you say, as you look at the key in your hand and the book of cards in the other. "Do you trust me? Will you take the leap?"

And then... I realize I promised you. It doesn't matter if it was or wasn't real, or if it all happened in a dream... I promised you that no matter what happened, or what you asked of me, I would trust you; just like I promised her that other thing. And I've meant to keep my promises, to both of you. But, it's not just that.

Also... I want to do it.

It's the opposite of what he would do... right?

"Tomoyo, I told you. I trust you… with my life," I whisper against your ear, and your eyes open for a moment, as if you have somehow heard it, or sensed it. And then, I lay my hand over yours... and the key starts glowing.

"Thank you," you say, and I see a tear running down your cheek.

And then you smile, insert the key into the lock, and turn it.

The door makes a cracking sound as you open it.

And then, you step in… and everything turns dark.

...

---

Author's notes:

Well... back from the dead one more time!

This is really the longest chapter I've ever written (more than 29,000 words!), and I could have easily cut it into two or three shorter ones, but for some reason I couldn't manage to do so. It took me a long time to write it, and after it was written, a much longer time to re-read and edit and correct, time I don't have much of, so, I made you wait forever. For that I'm sorry; but this one really was a bitch. Anyway, I hope there's still a few of you reading, and that you feel it's worth the wait, and your time. Please let me know your thoughts, and please notify me of any spelling/grammar errors you might have found. Remember, English is not my native language!

Anyway, the end is near now! One more chapter, or maybe two, I'm not sure yet. I hope you'll continue to be patient with me, and for those of you who keep up until the end, I promise I'll do my best to make your patience worth it. Thank you so much for reading everyone, and I see you all soon!