11. Truth
Lights blinding, no way dividing what's yours or mine when everything's shining
Your darkness is shining, my darkness is shining
Have faith in ourselves.
(Alex Ebert – Truth)
...
So, there he is, standing in front of me and staring at me with big, surprised turquoise eyes —that shabby-looking child I found hiding in the depths of that cave, in a place that feels so alien and remote as if it were outside of time itself.
And he's looking at me. And he knows me.
And for some reason, after everything I've been through, I'm not even surprised anymore.
At least not too much.
"You… know me?" I say to him. "How?"
"I saw you… in that place," he says. "In that… corridor. It was dark. You had a book… and a key. You opened the book with the key… and everything started glowing. You were glowing too. I thought… I thought you were her."
Oh my God. Could this really be? Could he really have seen me in that corridor?
"Who?" I ask, although I'm almost sure what the answer would be.
"The resplendent one," he says, staring at me seriously. "Mother used to call her Goddess. I've been praying to her every day since I came here, but she never answered. Then, when I wasn't expecting an answer anymore… I saw you."
"But, how? How did you see me? You weren't there."
"Sometimes, I see things… in my head," he says. "Real things. Things that happen in other places... in other times. Sometimes I even go to those places; it feels like I'm there, but I'm not. But for a long time, I hadn't seen anything. Everything was dark and quiet. Nothing happened... nothing at all. I think I forgot I even existed. But then, I saw you. You appeared in that corridor, and the lights turned on. It was so shocking... I think I nearly forgot what light was like. Mother said the goddess was resplendent and brought light. But before, you were in the dark too, so you're not her... are you?"
"I'm sorry, but… no," I say, feeling more and more disturbed by this child's words. "I'm not your goddess."
"Then… who are you?" he says, a look of fear and distrust appearing in his eyes again. "And why are you here?"
"I'm Tomoyo," I say. "And I think I'm here because of you. But, what about you? Who are you?"
He just stares at me seriously, but remains silent.
"You won't tell me?"
"I... can't," he finally says.
"Why?"
"Because... I don't remember."
This time, I am quite shocked.
"You don't remember who you are?" I say, surprised.
"I remember a few things... Like, I had a name once... and a mother, and a home... but, not much more. Things like faces and names start to get fuzzy when you've been sitting in the dark for so long."
"What do you mean? How long... have you been here?"
"I'm not sure," he says. "Years… I don't know how many. Hundreds? Maybe more. It feels like I've been here... forever."
Oh my God.
Who is this child?
What part of Eriol is this I have in front of me, this ragged little boy who looks so helpless, yet stares at me with such strange, intense eyes?
This can't be a memory, but then... what is it?
Overwhelmed, I barely mutter.
"You've been here all alone... for hundreds of years? Why didn't you leave?"
"I can't," he says. "She told me to wait here. If I leave... Mother won't find me when she comes for me."
"You're... waiting for your mother?"
He nods.
"She told me it was dangerous outside. She said that if they found me, they would hurt me. She instructed me to hide here, and be really still and quiet until she comes to get me. I shouldn't even be talking to you, but you… you remind me of the resplendent one. Mother said we should always trust her, that she would help us and protect us from harm."
"Well... I'm not a goddess, but... I did come here to help you."
"How?"
"By taking you out of here."
"No," the boy says, obstinately. "I can't leave. I have to do what she said. I must stay and wait." Then, his eyes brighten for a second. "But, maybe you can go outside and look for her? Tell her to hurry?"
I hear this, and for some reason, I feel a sting in my chest. Because I know nobody is out there. Nobody else is coming for this boy.
"I... don't think that's possible."
"Why not?"
"Because... she's not there, darling. I don't know how to tell you this, but... no one is going to come. Ever. The world outside is about to end. There's no one left, and if you don't come with me now... you'll be stuck here forever."
"What... are you talking about?" For a second, a flash of fear appears in his eyes as he quickly glances at something hiding in the shadows behind him, which I notice for the first time. It's a small, box-shaped thing. "No... I don't believe you! The world is not ending! She will come for me. She promised!"
"I'm so sorry, dear, but... it's the truth." I say. "Hey... but what is that thing over there? The thing you just looked at?"
"That's... none of your concern," he says, staring at me warily, his tone becoming darker, slightly hostile. "Why are you still here? Leave! There's nothing here for you."
"That is just not true," I say cautiously, a bit taken aback by his sudden change of attitude. "That thing over there... looks like a chest. And you're protective of it, which tells me it's valuable. What are you hiding in it?"
"I told you... leave it alone," he says, even more glacial than before. "Just turn around and go away... or I'll be forced to hurt you."
"You don't really want to do that... do you? I'm sorry but, I can't leave. If that chest is what's keeping you here... I need to know what's inside it."
"Why? Why do you even care?"
"Because... I want to help you. Because you're important to me."
He stares at me, startled.
"You don't even know me."
"No... that's not true," I say, smiling sadly. "I know you... more than you think. And you know me too. Not just from when you saw me in the corridor... but before that. From another place and another time. You don't remember it now, just like you don't remember who you are... but I do. I remember everything. I know who you are, I could tell you. And I care about you... more than you think. It wasn't easy getting here; I had to go through a really long, really harsh journey to be able to be here now, to find you... and help you. But I can't if you don't trust me. I need to know the truth about why you're here... and what is hiding inside that chest."
He doesn't say anything for a moment, just stares at me as if in some kind of inner struggle.
"Even if I trusted you..." he finally says. "I can't tell you that."
"Why not?"
"Because... I don't know either. This chest is not to be opened. It has to stay here, away from the world and protected, hidden deep under the ground... because if it ever gets opened, terrible things will happen."
"What things?'
"I think... the end of the world."
I stare at him, surprised.
"Really? Who told you that?"
"It was... that strange lady."
"What strange lady?" I ask, almost fearing what I know I'm about to hear.
"She didn't say her name. She came a long time ago. I think it was one of the first nights I spent here... when I still remembered who I was. She looked kind of like you… but she had red eyes, prettier clothes... and butterflies in her hair. She looked like someone important. She brought the chest with her and gave it to me. She said it had something dangerous inside... something so powerful it could destroy the entire world. She told me I had to protect it, but I should never touch it or open it; I shouldn't even look at it or think about it unless I really had to... or the world might come to an end. She told me to keep it safe here, until the day the one I'm waiting for comes for me. Then she would know what to do."
Oh, fuck.
Yuuko-san.
Yuuko-san was here.
It's so frustrating... and so unbelievable at the same time. That woman is always two steps ahead of me, knowing everything I'm going to do before I even do it. Did she plan this entire moment too?
"She didn't tell you what was inside?"
He shakes his head no.
"And, after all this time... you never thought about opening it, and seeing for yourself?"
He stares at me, frowning and looking offended.
"I did, a few times... in the beginning. But I never dared. Then, when more time passed and I started to forget more and more things... I guess I forgot about it too. It doesn't matter. She chose me to guard it, and I did. And I will continue doing it... until I don't have to anymore."
"And when will that be?"
"When Mother comes for me... of course."
"Are you sure? Did the strange lady specifically tell you to wait for your mother?"
"She told me I should wait here and guard it until the one I'm waiting for comes for me. So, yes. Who else could it be?"
"Well... me."
"What...?" he says, taken aback. "You? No, that doesn't make any sense. Why would she mean you? I wasn't waiting for you. I don't even know who you are!"
"Yes, you know me... and I know the strange lady who entrusted you with this chest. It was she who guided me here. She wanted me to come here and find you. Tell me, after all this time, has anyone else come... besides me?"
As I look at him with compassion, I can't help but think that Yuuko-san purposely deceived him to keep him here, safe, hoping for that mother that won't ever come, and also that whatever is hiding in that chest she told him to guard with his life... might be the very thing I need to save him. All versions of him.
"That... doesn't prove anything," he says, visibly upset by my words. "Mother will come."
"Do you really believe that? After all this time?"
He stares at me with eyes full of tears.
"She will! Why are you saying such awful things? You're a liar! You told me the world is ending... but it can't be. The chest wasn't opened; I made sure of that!"
"And yet, it is. You can't possibly know what's happening outside, because you never left this god-forsaken place." As I say this, I see his hurt expression, and I feel guilty for my harshness. "I'm sorry... I didn't want to be mean to you. But I swear, I'm not lying. I've been out there, I've seen what it looks like, and the world... is really ending. If you come with me, you'll see it with your own eyes."
He frowns.
"I... don't want to see it," he says. "If you're right, and the world is really ending... all the more reason I should stay here. Nothing is happening here. I'm safe."
"Yes, but... what for?" I say.
"Huh?"
"I mean... is this worth it? Being all alone in the dark, waiting for someone who never comes in a place where nothing ever happens... forever. Is this really better than facing the end of the world? Is this a life you want to live?"
He stares at me, speechless.
"I… don't know. You're confusing me. What... do you want?"
"I told you... I want to help you. I want to get you out of here," I say. "You can't stay in a place like this. Your mother wouldn't want it either. She would want you to be in the sun... in the light."
"No. She said it was dangerous outside."
"It's not anymore."
"You just said the world is ending!"
"Sometimes worlds have to end so new, better worlds can be created. It's not just an end; it can also be a beginning. And it's up to you. You can take this dying world and build a new one out of it. A better one."
"That's... not true! I can't do such a thing!" he protests.
"Yes, you can. I've seen it. I've seen the world you created; I've lived in it... and it's a beautiful world. I promise, you'll be safe there. No one will hurt you like in this one. But first, you need to open that chest, release whatever is hiding inside, and face it... so that you can leave it behind and go outside."
"No!" he says, putting his hands to his ears and closing his eyes shut, as if he didn't want to hear or see me anymore. "You're trying to mislead me! Just... stop! Leave me alone!"
"If I leave now... I don't think I'll be able to come back. You'll be alone here, trapped in this cave with only that chest as company, until the end of time. Is that really what you want?"
He stares at me, unable to answer for a second.
"N-no, but she said... she said everything would come apart if I opened it. She told me..."
"She told you to wait for me... which you've done. And now I'm here, like she said, and I tell you it's okay. We have to do it. Everything is already coming apart... But inside it, we might find just what you need to put everything back together."
"How... do you know that?"
"I don't... but I feel it. Please... you'll have to trust me."
"Even if I wanted to trust you," he says, looking like a great conflict has broken out inside of him. "How will I open it? I don't have the key."
"Well... you're in luck," I say, taking the chain from around my neck and handing it to him. "This is your key. I brought it for you."
He stares at it and back at me, even more frightened than before. He reaches for it with a trembling hand, but stops mid-action and stares at me again, hesitantly.
"I'm... too scared."
"I know," I say, staring at him compassionately. "Taking a leap into the unknown, not knowing what you'll find... is terrifying. But I'm here with you. I promise, I won't leave you alone. Whatever is hiding inside... you can deal with it."
"But, what if something terrible happens, and it's my fault?" he says, concern showing in his eyes.
"More terrible than this? Look around. What could possibly be more terrible?"
He stares at me for a second, befuddled.
"Are you sure... you're not the resplendent one? Your eyes... the way you speak... I think... I think you are her," he says.
"Well... who knows?" I say, smiling. "Maybe I am."
"O-okay. If you promise to stay next to me... I'll do it."
"I'm right here," I say. "I won't go anywhere."
Then, he takes the golden key from me. Hesitantly, he fits it into the rusty lock and turns it. I'm not surprised when I hear a clicking sound, and small, trembling hands open the chest lid.
But nothing fantastic happens. There's no blinding light from the chest. As he opens it, he just stares inside it in disbelief... and I stare too.
There's only one thing there: a piece of wood.
A dry, old, burnt piece of wood.
What in hell...?
But then, I see the boy's face go pale and transform into a mask of horror, as he grabs it with his trembling hands.
"What?" I ask him, not really understanding what's going on.
"This… this..." he mumbles, almost petrified. "Oh, no… I know what this is... I... I... remember!"
"What?" I ask, worried about his sudden change. "Tell me!"
"She… she..." he babbles, his face becoming even paler as he turns to me and yells, "Why did you make me open it? I didn't want to see it! I didn't want to know!"
"What are you talking about?"
"She… she already came!" he says, in utter distress.
"Who?"
"Mo... ther!"
…
Suddenly, it's as if I'm seeing the entire sequence happen in front of my eyes. A child clutching in the dark, hiding, hungry, cold, and very scared. Waiting for hours without moving a muscle, almost without breathing, listening in that deafening silence to see if he could hear a sound of steps.
Finally, after what seems like an eternity, some steps can be heard. The child hugs his knees, trembling in the dark, and tries to be even quieter than before.
Then, a light can be seen. A torch, carried by a shabby female figure. The boy's eyes widen and fill with tears of relief.
"Mother!" he says as he emerges from behind the rock he was hiding, to greet her. "You came! I was so scared!"
"My child," she says, hugging him briefly. "It's okay. I'm here. Come now. We must leave this place. I already have everything we need."
"But... the bad people?" he asks, tearful. "Are they gone?"
"Don't worry about them," she says. "Everything will be okay."
It seems strange to me that, for some reason, this woman isn't making eye contact with the terrified little boy in her arms. Maybe she isn't as confident as she appears to be and doesn't want him to notice? However, the boy nods happily and grabs her hand, and she guides him towards the exit. But when they emerge from the cave…
There are people waiting for them outside. Around ten to fifteen men. All of them with torches and rustic, improvised weapons in their hands.
"Mother!" he cries, clutching her clothes.
"Shhhh," she says. "It's okay. Just do as I say."
"So... this is the hideout of the demon child," one of the men says. "Will you hand us the little beast now, witch? We'll forgive you for giving birth to it if you give it to us now. We need justice."
Then, the woman looks down at the child, who's staring at her in terrified silence. She looks back at the men facing her, and for a moment, it looks like she's hesitating. Then, she squeezes the boy's hand even harder for a moment, and sighs.
"Go," she says.
"What...?" he asks in shock.
"Go with them," she says.
And then she pushes him towards the men. Stunned, the boy trips and falls to the ground at their feet, and one of them grabs him by the hair.
"Mo… ther?" he says in utter horror, staring at the female figure who's not staring back at him, not understanding what's going on. The woman says nothing, but the men start to laugh.
"We have the demon child!" they say. "He won't terrorize the town anymore!"
"Let me go!" the boy yells.
Then, one of the men hits him really hard on the head, and everything turns black.
…
Sometime later, the boy opens his eyes again and finds out he's tied up, lying on the ground inside some hut. His mother is tied up next to him.
The men who captured him are there, laughing and smiling.
"Mother...?" the boy mutters.
"You told me you'd let me go!" The woman says, not looking at the boy next to her. "I'll go peacefully, and you'll never hear from me again! I'm no threat to this village. I've even healed some of you!"
"We don't make pacts with witches," one of them says, spitting on the ground.
"But I'm not a witch!" she yells. "I'm like you! I just happen to know some herbs!"
"If you're no witch, then how could you give birth to a demon child? You've bred with demons in one of your rituals, didn't you? You filthy, disgusting whore!"
"No, I swear! This one's father wasn't a demon; he was just some scumbag from the north! I don't know why he has those powers, but I didn't give them to him, I swear! Maybe the gods did!"
The men start laughing again.
"The gods?" one of them says. "The gods would never create such a twisted creature. Look at his eyes... no human has eyes like that! He has animal eyes. He's an abomination, just like you!"
"Don't talk to her," another one says. "Don't listen to a word she says. Her tongue is as poisonous as her arts. We should cut it out and throw it to the pigs."
"No, please, let me go!" She pleads, this time looking terrified, as the man approaches her with a knife and another one grabs her by the hair. I nearly feel blood leave my face as I understand that whatever they are going to do to her, it will be cruel and terrible. "He's the one you want!" She gestures desperately towards the boy, who's staring at her with horrified, unbelieving eyes. "He's the cursed one! Not me! Not me!"
But they listen to none of her cries.
"Shut up, witch!" one of them says as he slaps her, and then another one hits her too, and another one kicks her in the gut, and I can't keep looking. I have to look away, but I can't shut out her desperate, horrifying screams as they beat her into almost unconsciousness.
"Now she can curse us no more!" one of them says, spitting at her as she lies on the ground about to pass out, her face a red, swollen mess, blood coming out of her mouth, and her very pale face losing what little color it still has.
Then, they turn to the child who's lying tied on the ground, completely paralyzed, as if in shock at the unspeakable horror he just witnessed.
"And what do we do with her demon spawn?" one of them says.
"I say kill the little beast, keep the mother alive for a while. We can still find some use for her."
"She's a mess, and she's bred with demons. Do you really want to put your thing anywhere near that? It will most likely rot and fall off," one of them says, laughing. "She's a nasty thing. Better kill her and be done with it."
Then, one of the men approaches them with a hatchet.
"Do it," another one says. "The gods will smile at us. They're both abominations."
With the last of her strength, the woman stares at the boy. Even though she can't utter more than a pained groan, her hateful eyes speak volumes.
Kill them, they say. Do the same thing you did to those village boys… make them burn!
It's almost as if I could hear her, and he seems to hear it too.
"Mother… I can't!" he mumbles, terrified.
Yes, you can, and you will, her resentful eyes tell him. This all happened because of you. Now make it right! Save us! Do as I say!
"No!" the boy mutters, and I can't tell if he's talking to his mother, to the men in the hut, or to himself. "I can't!"
"Kill it now!" one of the men yells.
Then, the one with the hatchet raises it and swings it at the boy, who closes his eyes shut and screams, a terrible, almost guttural shriek coming out of his throat, and suddenly some kind of violent force emanates from him, pushing away everything and everyone. Some oil lamps get thrown down and smashed against the hut's wooden planks, and the precarious structure starts catching on fire. The ropes that bind him have somewhat loosened, and he's able to break free, and just as one or two of the men get up to strike him again, he raises his hand towards them almost instinctively and screams, and they all fly into the air and get smashed violently against the walls. This time they don't get up; they seem unconscious, and he remains there, trembling and paralyzed, staring at what he's done. He curls into a ball, hides his face under his arms, and starts sobbing as everything around him starts quickly catching fire.
"What are you doing? Get up!" I yell at him, unable to stop myself, even though I know this is a real memory and therefore, he won't be able to see me nor hear me. "There's no time for that now! You have to get out of here!"
Then, almost as if he heard me, he snaps out of it; he gets on his trembling legs and, coughing because of all the smoke, tries to escape the hut. Stumbling, suffering many wounds and burns from the many burning pieces of wood that are starting to fall from the hut's roof, he manages to find a loose plank in one of the walls and tears it open. Then, his mother who is still tied up and thrown against a wall, choking in her own blood and surrounded by fire, opens her eyes and stares at him in a silent plea.
Save me, those eyes say. Don't leave me here to die.
He looks at her with pained, troubled eyes, hesitating, and those few seconds are enough.
A plank of burning wood falls from the roof over her... and she's gone.
"Keep going!" I yell. "Don't look back! Just get out of here!"
Still in shock and with tear-filled eyes, as if on autopilot, he turns back to the loose wood plank, tears it out, and tries to escape the burning hut. But at his back are the voices and screams of many villagers that were there, watching the whole thing.
"There he is! The demon child! Get him!" some of them yell. "Don't let him escape! He'll burn the entire village down!"
But the boy runs, and in his desperation, he becomes as fast as the wind, and no one can catch him. They start shooting arrows at him, and one hits him in the shoulder, but he just keeps running, stumbling but not stopping until he's far away, lost in the dark, somewhere in the woods. He runs until he can run no more, and then falls to the ground, exhausted, next to a creek. He tries to remove the arrow from his shoulder, which is swollen and purple by now and dripping blood, but it seems to be too painful, and he can't manage to do it. Then he loses consciousness, and everything turns black again.
…
It takes me a moment to realize that I'm back in the cave, exactly where I was when the boy opened the chest. My entire body is trembling; my breath is caught in my chest, my heart is racing as if I had run along with him, and there's a painful knot in my throat.
"Are you... okay?" I ask with a hint of voice.
But he doesn't answer; he doesn't seem to hear me at all, as if I weren't even there. Curled into a ball, exactly like he was in the hut after everything was set on fire, he just looks down at the ground with strange, vacant eyes.
"She already came," he says softly, over and over again, as if talking to himself. "She already came. She already came."
"Are you okay?" I repeat.
But he doesn't answer. I try to place my hand on his shoulders, but the moment I touch him, it's as if I've been shocked by a ray of lightning, like those men in the hut. A strong force emanates from him and pushes me away violently, causing me to hit the ground hard and hurt myself a lot while he remains there, still curled up in a ball and repeating those words to himself as if no one else was here and nothing had happened.
"She already came. She already came. She already came."
"Eriol… I'm here," I whisper, staring at him with growing desperation. "Look at me. Please… come back. Let me take you out of this cave."
There's no answer.
I cautiously approach him again, and again, I'm pushed away by a powerful force. It's as if he had created a small but impenetrable kekkai around himself, one even I can't trespass.
"Please, Eriol… talk to me." I plead with tears in my eyes. "Please… we got all the way here... we're so close! Please... let me help you! Don't shut me out now. Please!"
Nothing.
It's like I'm not even there... at all.
I don't know how long I stay there, talking to him, trying to get closer to him just to be pushed away, trying to get him to notice me, to look at me... it seems like hours. Days, maybe. Time stops meaning anything in the utter darkness of this cave where nothing ever happens. But after what seems like a long, very long time, I finally realize the truth: I've lost him. I've truly lost him. I thought he was strong enough. I thought he could deal with his worst, most terrible memory if he had me by his side.
I was wrong.
He couldn't.
I made him face what he had most deeply hidden, the memory of his first and most awful betrayal, something his Eriol self didn't even know about, and it broke whatever innocence still remained in him, completely and forever.
Which means... I've failed.
The goddess warned me that this would be a test, and I failed it.
…
"What… happened?" the goddess asks me, just as I step back into the crumbling temple.
Around me, I realize the end of the world is fully taking place; the sky is utterly black, and lightning is falling all the way to the ground, breaking the old stone tiles. Everything is crumbling down, and most of the stone arches are already gone.
But I don't even care anymore.
"Truth… really is a terrible thing," I eventually say, looking down. "It can truly destroy… everything."
"It can also set you free," the goddess says.
I shake my head no.
"I'm sorry, but… it didn't set anyone free. It just made things worse. What I found going through that arch… wasn't just a memory. I found the last part of him, the part he hid, the part he wanted to protect above everything. The part of him that was still innocent… that still believed in love and people, that still wanted to have hope. And I failed to bring it back. Instead, I crushed it. I destroyed it completely. This," I say, throwing at her feet the old, burnt piece of wood, "is all that's left."
"What you did was necessary," she says, grabbing the wood from the ground and staring at it compassionately. "Nothing true can be built on a lie."
"He thought his mother loved him! Do you understand?" I yell. "She was the first person he ever loved... and she betrayed him! How can you say a child needs to know such a dreadful truth? How could you tell him that his own mother, the person who gave him life, the person he trusted to love and protect him saw him as a demon too, and was willing to sacrifice him to save herself when things became dangerous? Even if it was a fake memory, a fantasy... the idea of a caring, loving mother... he needed it. It gave him hope. He was comforted by the thought that even in such an awful world, there was one person who truly loved and was there for him til the very end. But there wasn't; he was all alone from the beginning, there was no love, no hope... nothing. And that truth was so horrible and destructive that he had to put it away, seal it in a card with so much power that it equaled all the others combined. He had to become oblivious to it in order to become the kind, loving person that I know, and not the monster that I know he can be."
"Every living person has the possibility of turning into a monster, Tomoyo-san," she says. "Goodness and evil reside inside every person's heart, and humans are equally capable of both. But true goodness can't be achieved through lies and fake premises. It requires confronting your demons, your most fundamental truths, however awful they might be, embracing them... and overcoming them. That's why true goodness is a rare, precious thing... like a lotus flower that only blooms in the mud."
"That... doesn't mean crap! That fantasy was the thing that kept him going, that kept him hoping, and I… I've destroyed it. I've left him alone… empty… an empty shell. That's what The Nothing card means... what's left after the last hope is crushed. And I, who claimed to love him, was the one who crushed it! I didn't help him; I just… destroyed everything."
"You've unsealed every last piece of their pain, and yes, pain can be quite a destructive force... unless you find something that gives it meaning. Something that ties it all together," she says, smiling.
Suddenly, I remember Yuuko's note.
"What... do you mean?" I look at her confused.
"Do you still want to know what's hidden in this fountain?" she says. "I think... you're ready now."
Hesitantly, I approach her and the shiny, beautiful fountain, which somehow is still standing among so much destruction. Then, she takes Sakura's book in her hands, opens it, and before my astounded eyes, she takes everything I've gathered inside it —all the objects I brought back from my expeditions to his memories that represented a part of his soul he lost— and throws them all into the fountain's water. Everything… until the only thing left in the book is Sakura's nameless card.
"You don't need this kind of magic," she says, staring at it. "You have enough on your own."
Lastly, she throws the burnt piece of wood I brought from the cave.
And as soon as it touches the water, all the fragments I've collected start dissolving into it, and the water becomes brighter, more luminous, until it seems like it's almost glowing.
"Now, if you truly want to know what lies inside… you need to go in there too."
"What...? You mean, I have to...?"
"The fountain is a portal now, which you unlocked with his soul fragments," she says. "Only someone who has witnessed all you have can access this... which is their most fundamental truth. Now, if you were serious about abandoning all hope, then stay here, next to me, and watch this world disappear. It won't take long now, but it'll be quite a spectacle."
"You… you say this fountain is now… a portal?" I ask, shocked and somewhat scared. "A portal to where?"
"Hitzusen," she says. "The moment when everything started."
"Wasn't that what I just saw?"
"No. What you saw was something that happened to them. Hitzusen is always about a choice... an important choice. The most important choice. The choice that changes everything."
"So… is that what I'm going to see there?" I mutter, staring at the glowing water. "The moment when he made this most important choice?"
"Something like that," she says. "I must warn you, though... this will probably be harder than all the other times."
"After everything I've been through... those words have lost their meaning. They don't scare me anymore."
She stares at me and nods.
"Go, then. Meet fate. Everything will make sense... soon."
Then, I climb to the fountain border, take a deep breath, and jump.
But even as my feet touch the water, I realize I won't get wet.
…
I open my eyes and find myself kneeling on the ground in some dark, sinister forest. It's nighttime, the air feels cool but humid, like it's charged with electricity, and the sky (the little I get to see through the thick canopy of trees) looks like a storm is coming. Even though I can't see much, it's not pitch-black like in the cave, and I can feel the breeze moving through the tree branches and stroking my arms and legs. I hear the sound of running water somewhere nearby, and a few animal sounds: an owl hooting, a noise of tiny legs moving through fallen leaves, a wolf howling in the distance...
But no sign of him.
Where am I?
What kind of memory is this?
Then, I hear a groan. A human-sounding groan, close, really close to where I am. So, carefully, I get up, and trying to watch my step and not trip over anything, I look for the source of that sound... until I almost trip on it.
At my feet, lying on the ground next to a creek, unconscious and covered in blood, there's a human shape. Although I can't see it very clearly, I realize it's the shape of a child who can't be older than six or seven years old, dressed in dirty rags and with wavy, light hair that perhaps is some kind of ashen blond, but in this penumbra looks almost grey... The lithe body is covered in bruises, cuts, and burns, and an arrow sticks out of a nasty wound on his right shoulder. It's him; the boy I talked to in the cave, the same one I saw in that terrible memory we unleashed there.
So, this is what happened after he escaped from the hut. He ran, and the villagers outside the hut started chasing him, but his desperation made him run even faster, and he managed to lose them, although not before they hit him with one of their arrows.
I saw him running until he was completely out of strength… until he couldn't run or walk anymore, and he collapsed next to a creek.
And now, there he is.
I stare at the lying frame in some sort of shock. How long has it been since...? It was dusk when it all happened, and by the look of the sky now, it seems like many hours have passed, the entire night; it feels like that time just before dawn, when the night's darkest hour has already passed and the sun is yet far from showing its face, but the sky is shyly starting to get clearer little by little. So, maybe eight, nine hours?
God. What a long, endless, excruciating night this must have been for him. He looks so dirty and battered, like it has been days, weeks, or even months for him. Cautiously, I get closer. He's unconscious but seems to be in a lot of pain, and he groans and grimaces every now and then. With my heart clenching, I kneel down by his side, and before I even think about what I'm doing, I stroke his forehead, and I realize it's burning with fever.
Wait a second.
Why am I seeing this?
And why am I able to touch him?
He's unconscious, so he can't have a memory of this. And if this is a memory... I shouldn't be able to affect him in any way.
But, then…
She said the fountain was a portal. A portal to what? To hitzusen, she said. To the moment when the wheel of fate started moving.
She never said it would be a memory.
Does this mean…?
Suddenly, I hear more sounds. Steps, voices… even a dog barking in the distance. And, among the trees, I start seeing the light of torches.
It has to be the villagers, and what could they be doing here, in the forest, in the middle of the night, if not searching for him?
They aren't too far, and they're getting closer by the minute.
Then, I realize one thing with some kind of cold, lucid certainty: there's no way he's going to survive this. He's feverish, unconscious, and badly injured. He can't escape, and soon the sun will rise and he'll be completely exposed. They're going to find him, and they're going to kill him —possibly even torture him first, like they did to his foolish mother. And I'll have to witness the whole thing, powerless, again.
No.
Not powerless.
Suddenly, I know what I have to do. I don't even think about it; overcome by some deep, dark impulse, I lift the boy's unconscious body from the ground. He doesn't weigh much, after all he's just a child, and a poorly nourished one. With him in my arms, I step into the creek until the water is at my ankles and I start walking downstream, moving away from that place as fast as I can. The sound of the stream and the remaining darkness help camouflage us, and after a while, I hear the villagers' voices and the dogs' barks farther and farther away, and when I look back, the torches are just small dots in the distance.
Still not sure I've lost them for good, I get out of the stream and keep walking next to it for a long, long time, until my arms get too sore and my legs start trembling from all the effort.
The sky is a lot clearer when, exhausted, I lay him down on the grass next to the creek.
He's still burning, and I realize that if he's ever going to make it, I need to attend to his wounds and lower his fever somehow.
Carefully, very carefully, I remove the arrow from his shoulder, wash the wound as well as I can with water from the creek, and, ripping a piece of fabric from my dress, I make a tight tourniquet to stop the bleeding. I don't have anything to sterilize the wound with, and it already seems a bit infected, but I try to put my hopes on his magic neutralizing the infection. He told me once that he never got sick... I just hope he's already powerful enough to recover from this. I do the same to all his lesser wounds, ripping more pieces of cloth from my dress to use as bandages, and after I'm somewhat done, I lay him on his back, with his head on my lap, and I soak the cloth in the creek's cool water and apply it to his face, forehead, and chest until the fabric becomes warm, and then I soak it back in the cool water and repeat the whole thing over and over again, trying to get his fever down.
Are you sure this is what you want to do… Tomoyo-san?
What…?
Yuuko-san?
Am I hearing Yuuko-san's voice in my head?
The moment of choice has come… your choice. You could let him die now… you know? You could even help him die… and it would be the most merciful, kind death he would ever be granted in all of his lives. If he dies now, he will die for good. No reincarnations. He's not powerful enough yet, and he's willing to leave this world. There's nothing left for him here; everything he loved is gone or a lie. You could spare him all of his suffering. You could change… everything.
I feel myself go pale as I look down at the boy I'm trying to save. And it's the strangest feeling ever to know that, in a way, this wounded child whose head is lying on my lap is the person I love, yet at the same time, he isn't. Not yet. He needs to go through a hundred lives, live a thousand things, suffer the most indescribable torments, take the bloodiest revenges, become the most powerful of beings and then fall from that height; realize he has to let go of all of that, give everything up, even his own existence, before he can become that person. And I could just stop everything from happening, I don't even have to use a dagger; all I have to do is put my hand over his face, stop him from breathing, and in a few moments it would all be over. He would be free from this pain and all others, released from all that misery and suffering forever.
Just like he wanted to.
Suddenly, I feel the blood freezing in my veins.
Is this what they have planned?
Is this the reason I had to go through so many things? To be able to be here now... and do this?
But... can I do it? Even if this is what he wanted, even though I know what's in store for this boy and I know it's nothing pleasant, not in this life or in any of his next ones... it feels wrong. The person I know, the person I love, will never come to exist if I do this. And he deserves to exist; he deserves to walk this world and have a chance to find some love and some happiness, even if only for a short time, even if only once.
A few tears escape from my eyes and run down my cheeks as I look at him.
"Gods, Eriol…" I whisper, softly stroking his blondish, dirty hair. "I don't know if I can give you what you want. This is too hard, and I told you, I'm just a girl… not a goddess of death."
Then, unexpectedly... the boy in my arms shudders a little, opens his eyes, and looks up at me. My breath gets caught in my chest.
Those eyes, despite being different in shape and color, don't look so entirely unlike the ones Eriol had. Although they are clouded by fever, they're still piercing deep, unsettling; and the things I see in them…
It's all there. Fear. Pain. Stubbornness. And also… a glimpse of hate, of anger towards those who did this to him. The seeds of what he would become; of what his life, all his future lives would be about.
You can change that. Now. You are the only person alive who has a chance of making all that stop, of breaking the wheel. If you dare to do what needs to be done, you could spare him thousands of years of misery and pain. You could spare so many others too. It's what he wants. It's the entire reason you and him met. He trusted no one else with this… just you.
As I struggle with all the thoughts and feelings that are rushing through me, a shaking little arm rises, and small, blood-stained fingers touch the lone tear sliding through my cheek, just for a second, until the weakened arm falls down again. He murmurs something in a strange language that I can't understand, but despite that, I realize I know what he said. I see the question in his eyes, and I see he's trying to comprehend who I am and what I am doing here, holding him by a creek and crying. He's trying to understand if he's already dead, because he can't believe that someone would find him and help him instead of finishing him off… And what a ruthless, cruel world this has to be to make a child believe that, believe that he really is a monster, a demon, something that could only be hunted and slain, never loved, never shown any mercy, a world where the last thing he would expect from a stranger was an act of kindness...
Those eyes look at me, and despite their different shape and color, they are undoubtedly his eyes.
The eyes of a sad child.
My heart clenches; all I want right now is to take him in my arms and take him with me, back to my world, to my time; show him a different world, show him there could be a different life... But of course, I know I can't. It would be a paradox, an impossibility; there's no magic in this world powerful enough to save this child from his tragic fate. All I can do is leave him here alone, in a world so hostile to him, to bleed and burn in fever, to be wounded, despised, and corrupted until none of his innocence remains, to suffer and make others suffer. That… or give him the gift of death.
I look at him. It would really be an act of mercy. I know it. And I could do it so easily. His life is already hanging by a thread. I could hold him and stroke his hair and lull him into sleep, and then cut that thread, take his last breath with me… He's so feverish, he won't even notice. He would go out peacefully, like a candle, and it would be a far sweeter, kinder death than any other he would ever have. And yet…
And yet…
I just can't stand it. Not the idea of killing him with my own hands… although it's horrible enough, I know that somehow I could manage the strength to do it if I knew it was the right thing. What I can't stand is the idea that he would die here, alone, and his existence would end forever without ever knowing what it's like to be happy. Without ever knowing what it's like to be loved.
No one deserves a fate like that.
"Forgive me," I say, even though I know he can't understand me, as more tears fall from my eyes. "I can't… I can't do what you asked of me. See? I'm not as strong as you thought. So, you'll have to be for both of us. Your life will be tough... but I promise you, it won't always be like that. One day, things will get better. One day, you won't have to hide anymore. One day, you will be loved exactly for who you are. You have a very long way ahead of you... and most of it won't be pleasant. There are terrible things waiting for you, and there will be times when you think you can't possibly take any more… but you can. I promise you, you can. Now, promise me you won't give up. Promise me that you'll live through it all... because I'll be waiting for you at the end, and I want to get to meet you. I want to know the amazing person that you will become... and I want you to know it too. Maybe then, you'll find it was all worth it... and forgive me for this weakness."
Tears are falling copiously from my eyes now, a giant lump in my throat as I say these words, and this broken, wounded, feverish child just stares at me from the bottom of his pained, surprised turquoise eyes; and even though I know he can't understand a word I say, I still need to say them, in the hopes that maybe, somehow, by some miracle, some of it will get through him —a spark of light, of hope, something to hold on to in the rough years that would come.
There's a pained, faint little smile on his lips, and another strange, almost inaudible word escapes his lips as he slips into unconsciousness again.
Are you sure… this is what you chose?
Yes, I say, inwardly.
Are you sure?
Yes. Yes!
Okay… go back, then. Your time is up… Tomoyo-san.
In the distance, I hear the sound of steps. It sounds like just one person. Doubtful, I look around, not sure if I should carry him away from there too.
Leave him. You have to go back.
But… will he survive?
It won't be an easy life, but… he'll survive. That's what you wanted… isn't it?
Then, I stroke his dirty cheek, place a soft kiss on his forehead, which burns much less now, and then, pressing my own forehead against his for a moment, I mutter.
"Goodbye, Eriol. Please... remember me. I'll be waiting for you at the end. Please live... and find me."
Let's go, Tomoyo.
Yes, I know.
With effort, I get up, resting his head softly against the grass. His misty eyes open again for just a moment, and he stares at me, like imploring me not to go, not to leave him alone there.
"Eriol…" I say, my eyes swollen with tears now. "Find me... at the bar!"
Then, everything around me dissolves, disappears, and I'm back at the temple again.
…
"So… it's done," the goddess says.
"What… what's done?" I ask, my eyes full of tears and my entire body trembling, still unable to believe what just happened.
"Hitzusen," she says, solemnly. "It has started."
"What... do you mean?"
"A circle can only close. Don't you understand what you just did?" she says. "You set the wheel in motion. You. The choice you made."
"You mean, all of that… was real? It wasn't a dream... or an illusion?"
She shakes her head no.
"You mean... I was really in the past? Did I actually travel back in time… and meet him?"
"That was… we could call it their first life. That child was ready to give up. They just wanted the pain to go away. They were going to die in total hopelessness. They were willing to abandon that ruthless world for good. They would have faded like a candle, never to return to this world again. But you… what you did, changed that. You gave them a reason to live. Even if they were feverish and would soon forget your face… they would remember that moment for the rest of their lives. The first time somebody showed them true compassion, kindness, and love… and thus, gave them hope and a will to live. They would never forget that moment."
"You mean, I…"
"You're the reason why they wanted to keep living, why they came back to this world over and over again. You're the reason they wouldn't forget their previous lives. You asked them not to forget you, and they never did… not entirely. Even though they didn't know it consciously… they lived all those lives to meet you again. A circle can only close, and now it has. Everything happened the way it was supposed to."
"But then I… I've just doomed him!"
"Yes… in a way you did. But this choice wasn't just yours. They made a choice that day too: they chose to live and find you. Everything else after that was hitzusen. Inevitable. A product of that choice."
Suddenly, everything around me feels somehow dirty, soiled… a trap.
I stare at her warily.
"Then… who are you? Why are you here? What is your role in this whole thing?"
"Come on, Tomoyo… you're better than this," she says, smiling. "You know who I am... don't you? You've known... all along."
I barely manage to stare at her in shock. Suddenly, a crazy idea appears in my mind, and even crazier words threaten to escape from my mouth; strange, nonsensical words that are burning on my tongue.
But I can't, it would be just... too much.
"Say it," she says. "You already know it. You'll feel better after you say it."
"You... are me," I mutter.
Her smile widens.
"I am you… what you will become in their mind. We're inside their mind, remember? I am you… the way they remember you from that day. The last word they said before you disappeared into thin air before their eyes… was goddess. They would spend the rest of that life believing that the goddess their mother taught them about saved them from the brink of death, because she had a purpose for them. The person who found them after you left would encourage that belief. He's a sorcerer too... a dark one. He would sense the boys' powers, nurse him back to health, and teach him how to use and harness that magic, how to become more powerful… but also more cruel and ruthless. And that way, the wheel of hitzusen is started."
"Oh my God," I say, still unable to believe everything she said to me. Or I said to myself? "But, if we're inside his mind, and you're a creation of it, just an image, a memory of me… how could you heal me? That's a power he never had. I don't have it either."
"They believe you have it… and that is enough," she says. "In a way… you do have it."
"Then… what should I do now?"
"I think you already know," she says, smiling.
And it's true. She knows, and therefore, I know too. Everything has started making sense.
"This world is at its end," I say. "All the fragments are already in the fountain... which is a vessel for his soul. I just need another vessel, one I can take back to my world. And I think... I already have it with me," I say.
She nods. Then, I take the key off my neck, and walk slowly towards the fountain. I drop it into it, and watch it glow brighter and brighter as it sinks, as if it was absorbing the water somehow. After a moment, there's nothing left but a shiny key at the bottom of an old, empty, cracked fountain.
I grab the key once more and hang it from my neck.
"There," she says. "You're all set."
"Almost. His soul… is still not complete," I say. "One part is missing, the most important part… is still in that cave. I can't leave it there."
"Then… go get it," she says.
"But, how can I bring it back? The last time I was there, I failed. The Nothing is too strong... I don't know how to defeat it."
"How did Sakura defeat it?" she asks.
Then, I remember. Sakura never really defeated The Nothing. Her love did… in a way. It transformed it into The Hope. I look at Sakura's almost empty book, and her nameless card is still there.
You don't need this kind of magic, she said. You have enough on your own.
"Alright," I finally say. "I'm going to try again."
"Hurry," she says, and I realize her body is starting to dissolve, to look transparent and fade, like she's starting to disappear with that world too. "There's almost no time left."
"What's happening to you?"
"It's okay," she says, smiling. "You don't need me anymore. Neither of you. I'm in you now. I am you."
She smiles at me one last time with that gentle, warm smile as I watch her vanish into thin air with a strange feeling in my chest. But then, I realize the last arch is going to crumble any moment now. And when it does… the last part of him that is still there will be forever lost.
I have to go now.
…
A few moments later, I'm back in the cave. But this time I have a glowing key hanging on my chest to light my way, so it's much easier to move forward and find the place where the little boy is.
He's still there, in the same position I left him in. Curled up into a ball, eyes vacant and expressionless, staring at nothing and repeating those words to himself.
She already came. She already came. She already came.
I kneel beside him.
"Eriol…" I say. "I know that's not your name, but at the same time, it is. Eriol, I need you to look at me now."
He doesn't answer.
She already came. She already came. She already came, he just keeps saying.
"Yes," I mutter. "She came. And she did something terrible. Something you didn't deserve, something no child ever deserves, but it happened to you nonetheless. It was horrible, and I understand why you needed to forget it. But, Eriol… you're stronger than that. You were strong, and you survived against all odds. You chose to live, to be here, in this world. And in time, you grew older and wiser. You made mistakes too. You did terrible things out of fear, like she did, and you paid for them, like she paid. You suffered, and you lost everything, and you learned from your mistakes. And eventually... you became good. You became better. You became someone who's capable of love and kindness, and who doesn't deserve to be punished anymore. You shouldn't be here. There's a part of you that's still innocent and pure, and I want it to come back. So, I'll ask you to look at me now. Look at me, Eriol."
Slowly, he raises his eyes and looks up at me, and something in them changes the moment he sees me.
They don't look vacant anymore. They are full of tears.
"I'm... not good," he whispers. "I can't be good. I... left her there. I let those men hurt her, and then I left her to die. She begged me to help her, and I hesitated, because of what she did... and she died because of it. I could have saved her, and I chose not to. That means I... I killed her. When I saw her burnt corpse, I forced myself to believe it was them... but it wasn't. It was me! I am the thing everyone said I was! I am...!"
He breaks down in tears, unable to accept the truth he's denied for so long, and I feel my heart clench in compassion as I finally realize what the horrible demon that has been eating him up from the inside is. It wasn't her awful betrayal, nor the traumatizing scene that followed… it was his own. That moment of doubt in the hut marked and branded him like nothing else ever did. That's why he could never stop feeling like a monster, a being capable of the most terrible things. His self-hatred and guilt had become so deep-rooted that no amount of change, love or reassurance could make him forget; not even removing that memory could. And it breaks my heart.
Unable to refrain myself, I draw him close and hug him, and this time, no force repels me.
"My dear," I mutter to him, trying to soothe him as he grips onto me like a lifeline. "There were monsters in that hut... but you weren't one of them. You were just a scared child. You didn't kill her. She was killed by a terrible world, and her own, terrible choices. You couldn't have saved her from that."
"I could have! I... chose not to!" he sobs.
"No. Listen to me," I say, staring into his teary, turquoise eyes. "Even if you could have managed enough strength to drag her out of that hut... she was going to die either way. They would have killed you both. Dying there was the one thing of value she could ever do to redeem herself from what she did to you; by doing so, she gave you a chance to escape... and live. Maybe because of that, one day she can be forgiven."
"And me? Who will forgive me? What I did was just as bad! And everything I've done, after... No," he says in despair. "I am beyond forgiveness. I can't go back. I need to stay here... forever."
"Eriol... it's true, you've done terrible things... but you've done enough penance. You've suffered, and you've been trying to atone for your sins, and you sacrificed everything to do it... but nobody can give you the forgiveness you seek other than yourself. You should try and find it in your own heart, but in the meantime… how about I give you mine? You know who I am, right?"
Suddenly, he stops crying, and his face lights up for a moment as he stares back at me.
"You…" he mutters, "are the resplendent one. I remember you now. You… saved me. You told me to live."
I feel a sad smile forming on my lips, and I nod.
"Yes," I say. "And now I've come for you. I've come to get you out of this place for good. Will you come with me?"
Then, I get up and offer my hand to him. He looks uncertain.
"Where are you taking me?"
"Outside," I say. "Into the world. Into the light."
"I don't know if I can go there... I'm scared."
"Yes," I say. "I'm scared too. It's scary to be in a world where time flows, where things... change. It's unsafe, and you can get hurt and lose the things you care most about. So much can go wrong… but it beats watching life from the outside. It beats being all alone, isolated, in a place where nothing ever happens. Trust me… I've been in a place like this too. It's safe, but... it's not worth it. Please, come with me. I promise you won't be out there alone."
"You... will be there with me?" the child says.
I nod.
"It's the end of the world... and I promised you we would meet at the end."
Then, he smiles slightly, hesitantly grabs my hand, and gets up from the ground.
"Okay," he says. "I... believe you."
Using the key's light, I guide us both towards the cave's exit. Eventually, I don't need the key's light anymore, because I see it. The light that comes from outside. And it's beautiful and warm.
Holding him by the hand, we both exit the cave, and walk into that light.
…
When I open my eyes again, I am back in a place I know. In my own world. In my own reality.
In Eriol's room. Lying on Eriol's bed, where he's lying too, still suspended between life and death.
I have Sakura's book by my side, but only one card is left. Around my neck, I have a thin golden chain, and hanging from it is Eriol's key, which now shines like a beacon.
I leave Sakura's book on the nightstand, take the key off my neck and lay down on my back beside him, still unable to believe I'm here again.
I've done it. Somehow, I've managed to reunite all the pieces of his soul, went on a journey to the past, to the worst of his memories, to the darkest places of his mind… and came back victorious. I understand now that he was right, that I am the freaking goddess, even though I'm also just a normal, mortal girl.
Things just kept turning weirder and weirder, but I've finally understood... everything.
I understood why he was so tortured, why he was so scared of himself, of the things he could do… because I saw them all. The darkest, the most terrible ones. But I also saw the other things… the effort he put into becoming better.
And after all that… I still feel the same way about him.
No, what I feel is even deeper than before, because now it's not just attraction or even love, it's a mixture of so many things… Because never before have I dreamt to know this much, to understand this much about someone.
Now I know why everything that happened between us was hitzusen, why it was meant to happen. When I chose to let him into my life and become a part of his, I never knew how important that choice could be, and how deep our lives and fates would entwine.
I never imagined I would be the sole reason why he was still here, in this world.
"I'm so sorry, Eriol," I say, even though I know he can't hear me. "I'm the reason why you had to suffer everything you went through. All the pain from all those lives… I knew how bad it was, I saw it… and I could have stopped it from happening, but… I didn't. Instead, I've doomed you to go through it all. I was weak, I couldn't give you what you wanted… I couldn't set you free when I had the chance. I hope you can forgive me."
Overwhelmed, with a knot in my chest and tears in my eyes, I touch his hand, which lies as cold as dead over the bed covers, and I entwine my fingers with his.
"I promise, I won't be weak anymore. This time, I'll make things right. This time, I'll give you what you need. What your soul craves."
Are you ready now?
The voice seems to come from somewhere nearby… or is it inside my head? Then, as I look to my left, I see her face, reflected in the mirror next to the bed.
"Is this really how it has to be… Yuuko-san?" I mutter quietly, as a tear escapes from my eyes.
In my other hand, the one not holding his, the key has transformed, once more, into a dagger. A glowing, beautiful dagger containing his soul.
Yes, Tomoyo-san. You know it is. There is no other way. If you want to restore his soul to him and allow him to die, you have to do it. It's the only way this is going to end. It's the only way reality will be restored, the kekkai will dissolve… and your friends will be able to leave. But most importantly, it's the only way he will be free. From hitzusen… from all his lifetimes of pain… from everything.
"I really… don't want to," I say, as more and more tears fall from my eyes, until I can barely see anything.
I know you don't, dear. But your love for him isn't selfish, like mine was… is it?
No, it isn't. Even if it breaks my heart forever… I know I have to do this.
I shake my head no.
You've kept your word, what you said to him near that creek, in his first life. Life was awful and hard, but it wasn't always like that. Even if only for short periods of time, he got to know what it's like to be loved, what it's like to be happy. He was truly blessed… some people never experience that. You were by his side at the beginning, and you are by his side at the end. He got to know everything human existence has to offer… except peace. Let him have it now.
This is what he wants.
I know it is.
Then, why is it so hard…?
I sit up. I softly stroke the side of his face, which is as cold as if he was truly dead.
"Okay," I finally say. "I'll do it. But first, I want to tell you something... Yuuko-san."
I'm listening.
I breathe in for a second, deeply, before the words come out of my lips.
"I... know."
Really? What do you know?
"Everything. Who you are. Why you're here, and why you sought Clow Reed when you were alive. I know why I can hear you inside my head, why I needed to meet you, and why you plotted to meet me. I also know that someday, in some place or time, your halted time will eventually start moving again, and you'll be allowed to truly die, like you wanted. And then, your deepest, most cherished wish will finally come true."
And how do you know all that?
"Because... I'm here," I say, a small smile appearing on my face.
Silence, and then… I hear laughter coming from the mirror.
I wasn't expecting this to happen. You never cease to amaze me… Tomoyo-san.
"No... stop that. I know you expected this too. You've seen the future. You have the power to travel through dimensions, and time is one of them. You knew everything that was going to happen from the beginning. You also knew we would eventually be here, having this conversation; and you know exactly what I'm going to do next... don't you?"
I assume... you're going to ask me for a wish.
"Yes. Exactly. That's what you do, isn't it? You grant wishes. I never really had a wish I dared to ask... not even to myself. But now I have one. Will you grant it?"
I can try... but I'm not sure it will work, Tomoyo-san, on account of that, as you know... this is an extremely irregular situation. Also, I'm not really here. You know that... right?
"But... in a way, you are. And since you've seen the future and predicted this, you already know what I'm going to ask you. You know whether it could be done or not. Maybe you've already prepared for it... haven't you?"
Yes, it can be done… but the price for such a wish will be tremendous. Are you sure you want to pay for it? I could never see past this moment. I can't promise anything. I don't know how things are going to turn out.
"It doesn't matter… I'm sure," I say. "You do your part, and I'll pay the price… even if it's this hard."
Solemnly, with a bittersweet look in her reddish eyes, I watch her nod.
It's already done, Tomoyo-san. All that's left now... is you.
"Okay, then. You can leave. Thank you... for everything. Go now. Be at peace." I say.
I don't even need to see her image disappear from the mirror, because I know she's gone. I feel her gone.
Then, I turn back to him.
"I'm sorry, Eriol… for everything. I love you. I hope… you can have some peace too."
Then, as I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his for a second, unable to refrain from the sobs coming out of my mouth and the tears from my eyes… I put the dagger against his chest, and plunge into it with all the strength I have.
…
It all happens in an instant; the sharp blade pierces through his skin, through his ribcage, and in a second his eyes open in a flash of horror and pain. His face seems to recover all life and colors, and his mouth lets out a strangled gasp. It would almost be a miracle… if it wasn't for all the blood. There's blood, so much blood everywhere, tons of blood coming out of his mouth and pouring from the wound in his chest unstoppably as he tries to breathe in estrangled rattles, but he can't. For a second, his eyes meet mine, and although he's unable to speak or pretty much do anything, they look as if he has understood what's happening, and they look grateful. I stare back at them sadly, and almost in shock. Suddenly, everything around us starts to shake, as if an earthquake has taken place and the room, the entire house starts crumbling, falling into pieces above us.
...
Author's Notes
Please don't hate me.
There's one more (shortish) chapter left, which I hope will come soon (at least, sooner than the previous ones), and which will end this story.
Please bear with me one last time, and please take care of yourselves in the meantime. This awful pandemic is far from over.